Old Timers and Newbies!

[ixtapacheryl]

Originally Posted by Ailuros

Here's a picture from Wikipedia.



I've never tried to fit one on a pork rind .

OMG that looks gross ..... now don't take offense but I don't eat anything that swims. I hate seafood/fish/etc. My military father use to make me eat 4 shrimp on a Friday night and I would swallow them whole with milk.

Originally Posted by Tooter

Do you know what I watched last night? "The Full Monty". I had seen it before, but I had to watch it again. Love that movie. Anyways, It was funny listening to them talk. It was like I was on a 20 Sec Delay in "understanding" them.

At one point I turned to one of my sons and said "They are speaking English, Right"?

Our local theater is putting on "The Full Monty" next month. I never saw the movie and didn't know if it was worth $40/ea to go and see it. It also includes a luncheon...

By the way our friend died of cancer this morning at 10:10AM. I washed and ironed his shirt the other day for his wife. Took up a meal for her the other day as she was just eating baked potatoes (she's diabetic). When I got the call I rushed to her house. Thank goodness she had his cousin and her husband arrive from the east coast of Florida to be with her. She was not in the bedroom when he passed and didn't want to see him one more time. The other people kept her busy in the laundry room when they put him on the gurney and wheeled him out of the house. It was sad - but he had a peaceful death at home and is not in any more pain. I just tried calling her but the cousin took her to the funeral home and then they must have gone out to dinner. We removed the hospital bed, oxygen, etc. from the bedroom and moved her bed back where it belonged. I vacuumed and put away all the lotions/etc. that belonged to him so they were not visible when she enters into the room.

One more thing - went with my husband to the cancer doctor and he confirmed that he does have CLL (Chronic Lympo Leukemia) Stage 0 .... That sure was good news as people can live with that for years. The only thing he will have to watch out for is colds, infections, etc. because the white blood cells have a tendency to decrease. So some good news and then some sad news.

Oh yes - on the Fascination thread - not much new except Heidi had to attend another deposition and she did show up. Don't know the outcome of that as it remains private. She is still taking new memberships and has increased her fees to something like $70+.

[Lost and Found]

Hi...Cheryl!!!!

Sorry to hear about your friend.

You know that he is in a better place...one free of pain. It's worse for the people who are left behind...who miss him, and who love him. For all of you...my deepest sympathies, and prayers for a brighter tomorrow.


Happy for your husband!!!!

[*Pear*]

Oh Cheryl, its so hard to lose someone. I'm glad he went quickly and that he was able to go at home, not in a nursing home.

I'm glad your husband got good news today. That was a skeery situation too.

I just had the best dinner, bockworst with sauerkraut and 4 strawberrys with whipped cream. The strawberries were really sweet. I hope it doesnt make me gain.

[*Pear*]

$80 for Kimkins, is she nuts? Thats crazy!!!

[*Pear*]

So Click, did HE come home today? Has the poo poo hit the fan yet?

[*Pear*]

Hippie, has the pirate arrived?

[*Pear*]

Well, I'll be back later.

[*Pear*]

Wow, where is everyone? this is prime time.

Just did two miles on the trampoline... phew.

Well, I'm going to have to amuse myself if no one comes and entertains me.

[*Pear*]

Go here and type in Heath Ledger is dead. Select English to Spanish.

Google Translate

What's up with that?!!!

[*Pear*]

Application for permission to date my daughter.

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME _____________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ____________

HEIGHT ________ WEIGHT _________ IQ __________ GPA _________

SOCIAL SECURITY #______________ DRIVERS LICENSE #____________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS___________________________________________ __________
CITY/STATE ____________________________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: __________________________________________________ _____
__________________________________________________ _________________

Number of years they have been married _________________________________

If less than your age, explain:
__________________________________________________ __________________
__________________________________________________ __________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ __________________
__________________________________________________ __________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ __________________
__________________________________________________ __________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ __________________
__________________________________________________ __________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend __________________________________________________ _

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? ____________

mother? ___________

pastor? ____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

__________________________________________________ __________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

__________________________________________________ __________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

__________________________________________________ __________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

__________________________________________________ __________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?

__________________________________________________ __________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

__________________________________________________ __________________

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

__________________________________________________ ________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/ Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your back) .

To prepare yourself, start studyingDaddy's Rules for Dating.


Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're surely not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I willmake you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing or holding hands. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[*Pear*]

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in
the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded. But
these are still very funny!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.

2. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

3. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them.

4. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold
it all together.

5. This child has been working with glue too much.

6. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

7. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.

8. If this student were any dumber he'd have to be watered twice a week.

9. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These 15 were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
[These are some mighty 'quick witted' cops!]

15. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
went through.'

14. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
after you wear them a while.'

13. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate
a worthless document.'

12. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want on the ticket, huh?'

10. 'Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket.'

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk
or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs.'

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven.'

5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS. . .

1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't.........Sign here.' [ouch!]

[*Pear*]

I wonder if we should have had Pirate fill out that application...

[*Pear*]

Originally Posted by *Pear*

Go here and type in Heath Ledger is dead. Select English to Spanish.

Google Translate

What's up with that?!!!

Awww, they fixed it. It was translating Heath Ledger into Tom Cruise.

[Ailuros]

Good morning . I enjoyed my kipper for breakfast - with lots of butter . I did some internet food shopping at the weekend that should arrive today - Italian stuff, like salami and cheese, mostly.

Tooter, I've put the coffee on for you.

[Lost and Found]

Good morning...everyone!!!!

Ailuros....I'm glad that you enjoyed your kipper!!!!

Your Italian food order sounds good.

Well I lost 2 pounds this week.

I need to run my son to school...be back later!!!

[Lost and Found]

I wonder where Jean has been?

I hope that she is alright!!!!

[Lost and Found]

Well.....it's been 2 months since begining this new woe, and I've lost 19 pounds. It's not as much as many, but atleast the scale is still moving. For that...I am thankful.

Tooter must be getting ready for tonight!!!! (Ew-LaLa!!!!)

[Ailuros]

Originally Posted by Lost and Found

Good morning...everyone!!!!

Ailuros....I'm glad that you enjoyed your kipper!!!!

Your Italian food order sounds good.

Well I lost 2 pounds this week.

I need to run my son to school...be back later!!!

Another 2 pounds . Well done .

We had some of the goodies from the Italian food box for lunch - some mortadella (sort of cooked pork sausage/salami) with olives, and distinctly non-Italian dill pickle.

[woe]

lol at your avy, Pear!

[Tooter]

Originally Posted by Ailuros

Good morning . I enjoyed my kipper for breakfast - with lots of butter . I did some internet food shopping at the weekend that should arrive today - Italian stuff, like salami and cheese, mostly.

Tooter, I've put the coffee on for you.

Aww....That is so sweet. Thank you for the Coffee!

[Tooter]

Originally Posted by Lost and Found

Well.....it's been 2 months since begining this new woe, and I've lost 19 pounds. It's not as much as many, but atleast the scale is still moving. For that...I am thankful.

Tooter must be getting ready for tonight!!!! (Ew-LaLa!!!!)

Congrats! No, I "over" Slept.

[Tooter]

Originally Posted by woe

lol at your avy, Pear!

I keep thinkings she is "Click"!

[Lost and Found]

Originally Posted by Ailuros

Another 2 pounds . Well done .

We had some of the goodies from the Italian food box for lunch - some mortadella (sort of cooked pork sausage/salami) with olives, and distinctly non-Italian dill pickle.

Thanks, Ailuros!!!!

What are the white chunks in the picture of meat?