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Old 03-18-2014, 05:39 PM   #1
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Self-sabotage?

I had posted in the daily weigh in thread that I deserved a couple pound gain after an UD became a MD and a DD became an UD. As always, SlowSure was insightful and asked why it happened... and that got me thinking.

For some time now I've been aware of my tendency to self sabotage. I know I do it, but I don't know exactly why. I could give some guesses, but I'm no psychologist. I see it coming before it happens, but somehow still end up feeling powerless to it for a few days.

When I hit my new low last Friday morning (hadn't seen that low of a number in a couple years) I suddenly had a feeling that I was headed into destruction mode. And I did. It was as if I couldn't stop it. And I'm having a tough time recovering this week.

I guess my question is: does anyone else do this? Shouldn't new lows be a big motivator to keep going, not a trigger to derail? If others do this, how do you stop it? Any tips and similar stories are welcomed!

Thanks in advance, JUDDD Buds
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Old 03-18-2014, 05:51 PM   #2
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I didn't do it all through my weight loss, but since I hit goal, I find myself struggling with being a bit resentful of restrictions. That could lead me to self-sabotage if I'm not extremely careful and aware.
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Old 03-18-2014, 06:21 PM   #3
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Sometimes success can be an excuse to indulge. But so can failure!
All-or-nothing thinking:
"Well, I've already ruined everything by having the lasagna, so I might as well have the cheesecake too."
"Well, I ate lasagna and cheesecake yesterday, I must be a failure at my diet. why bother?"
(Never mind that you have been losing weight like crazy and haven't cheated in months.)

Last edited by nikki; 03-18-2014 at 06:23 PM..
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Old 03-18-2014, 06:45 PM   #4
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I don't struggle with this issue and I did feel movitaved when I saw new, lower numbers. Just today, I weighed in at 122.9 and that just made me want to see 121 even more. I hope you decide you deserve succuss and try to avoid self- sabotage
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Old 03-18-2014, 07:21 PM   #5
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For me in the past I've gone one way or the other with the same results. For example: Wow! I've reached a new low! I deserve to celebrate. Then I would eat, the scale would bounce up and: I knew it. Nothing is working. I blew it by eating the lasagna, chips, whatever. I may as well just eat some more because nothing works for me and I'm always going to be fat.

It's a lose-lose mentality!

I have no idea why it happened in the past. So far since my re-start with JUDDD it has not happened either way.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Maybe you feel unworthy or undeserving subconsciously.

Take a step back. Take a deep breath. Often. REFUSE to beat yourself up over this. Enjoy the progress you have made and think about all you have learned and all you can learn about what's happening now.

Make a plan for tomorrow. Maybe you need a free day tomorrow or an UD. Get that out of your system. Wait a few days to weigh again. Get one or two great DD rotations accomplished and then weigh after a DD.

Good luck. This is definitely a good topic and thank you for starting this thread and sharing openly with us.

I really want to see what other JUDDDers say about this.

In the meantime big HUGS. You will figure this out if you hang in there!!!
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Old 03-18-2014, 07:23 PM   #6
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Another theory about self-sabotage is fear. There's all types of fear. Fear of losing weight especially because many use fat as a layer of protection/safety. Fear of not only failure but of succeeding because it may mean what else are we capable of succeeding at that we're afraid of trying?

Generally most of our negative behaviour and attitudes are deeply rooted in fear, but doesn't necessarily have to be challenging to figure out the root cause if you're open and honest with yourself (it's nothing something you need to share with anyone else). The real challenge is replacing those negative thoughts and behaviour with positive ones once you figure out what's at the root, and then acknowledging it and being aware of it when it happens.

One good way to figure out the trigger is to write down (actually write down, not reflecting over it verbally or in your head) the perceived act of self-sabotage, the date, what triggered the event (what thought, conversation, behaviour), how it made you feel. Doesn't need to be a novel, point form is fine but write it down each time and then you may find a trend emerge from that.

To use me as an example, I felt that I was always in conflict with others (even though in reality but I wasn't but I felt that way). I wrote down all the times where I felt I was in conflict and that's when I discovered each time I felt this way, it was because I felt dismissed and this how I came to discover that being dismissed is my trigger which caused various negative emotions (neglect, not good enough, lack of self-worth) and I use food to comfort and protect myself. Since I've done this, I no longer feel like I'm in conflict but I'm very aware now when I feel triggered - this hasn't completed eliminated the negative emotions, but I'm positive it will come in time.

I'm no expert, I just read a lot of books and talk to a lot of people. The biggest lesson I have learned through my journey so far is the utter importance of self-forgiveness, self-acceptance and self-love. No one else can beat us up or put as down without our permission and most often we're most harsh and unforgiving with ourselves which eventually turns into a vicious cycle.

Anyways, hope this helps.

Last edited by oceania; 03-18-2014 at 07:26 PM..
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Old 03-18-2014, 07:38 PM   #7
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Thank you all! I could go into a lot of specific reasons why I think it happens: all centering around both fear and feeling undeserving. So your all's thoughts really do help!

I was just thinking today that I needed to journal more about these types of things, and you have solidified that need. Thank you!
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Old 03-18-2014, 09:23 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oceania View Post
Another theory about self-sabotage is fear. There's all types of fear. Fear of losing weight especially because many use fat as a layer of protection/safety. Fear of not only failure but of succeeding because it may mean what else are we capable of succeeding at that we're afraid of trying?

Generally most of our negative behaviour and attitudes are deeply rooted in fear, but doesn't necessarily have to be challenging to figure out the root cause if you're open and honest with yourself (it's nothing something you need to share with anyone else). The real challenge is replacing those negative thoughts and behaviour with positive ones once you figure out what's at the root, and then acknowledging it and being aware of it when it happens.

One good way to figure out the trigger is to write down (actually write down, not reflecting over it verbally or in your head) the perceived act of self-sabotage, the date, what triggered the event (what thought, conversation, behaviour), how it made you feel. Doesn't need to be a novel, point form is fine but write it down each time and then you may find a trend emerge from that.

To use me as an example, I felt that I was always in conflict with others (even though in reality but I wasn't but I felt that way). I wrote down all the times where I felt I was in conflict and that's when I discovered each time I felt this way, it was because I felt dismissed and this how I came to discover that being dismissed is my trigger which caused various negative emotions (neglect, not good enough, lack of self-worth) and I use food to comfort and protect myself. Since I've done this, I no longer feel like I'm in conflict but I'm very aware now when I feel triggered - this hasn't completed eliminated the negative emotions, but I'm positive it will come in time.

I'm no expert, I just read a lot of books and talk to a lot of people. The biggest lesson I have learned through my journey so far is the utter importance of self-forgiveness, self-acceptance and self-love. No one else can beat us up or put as down without our permission and most often we're most harsh and unforgiving with ourselves which eventually turns into a vicious cycle.

Anyways, hope this helps.


Quote:
Originally Posted by brainardt View Post
Thank you all! I could go into a lot of specific reasons why I think it happens: all centering around both fear and feeling undeserving. So your all's thoughts really do help!

I was just thinking today that I needed to journal more about these types of things, and you have solidified that need. Thank you!
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Old 03-18-2014, 11:34 PM   #9
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You're ahead of the game because you're identifying the pattern, even if you feel helpless to stop it at this point. I think just being aware and thinking it through will help you to prevent it or at least control it in the future.

I can remember reading some other people's posts when I was pretty new at JUDDD, and I was also super-motivated and losing well, saying that when they saw a new low, somehow they would have an UUAD for some reason. I thought "that's crazy! Why would they do that?". Well, now having been in diet mode for 2 solid years, I've experienced it a few times. Sometimes a new low makes me yearn that much more for the next milestone and I go forward with gusto. Other times it somehow makes me feel like I need a little more to eat. I don't have any idea why.

In the past, I can remember a few times when I was eating way too much (I hesitate to use the word binge, as I think that's more a clinical definition and I'm not sure I ever really binged) and I realized that somehow I was punishing myself. Like when I was extremely stressed with work, or unhappy with the way a personal relationship was going. I felt bad about myself and darned if I wasn't going to make it worse by overeating. Again, I don't know why.

Thanks for sharing this revelation and working through it here in public. I'm sure you'll figure it out and be able to work around it or stop it.
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Old 03-19-2014, 07:13 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oceania View Post
Another theory about self-sabotage is fear. There's all types of fear. Fear of losing weight especially because many use fat as a layer of protection/safety. Fear of not only failure but of succeeding because it may mean what else are we capable of succeeding at that we're afraid of trying?

Generally most of our negative behaviour and attitudes are deeply rooted in fear, but doesn't necessarily have to be challenging to figure out the root cause if you're open and honest with yourself (it's nothing something you need to share with anyone else). The real challenge is replacing those negative thoughts and behaviour with positive ones once you figure out what's at the root, and then acknowledging it and being aware of it when it happens.

One good way to figure out the trigger is to write down (actually write down, not reflecting over it verbally or in your head) the perceived act of self-sabotage, the date, what triggered the event (what thought, conversation, behaviour), how it made you feel. Doesn't need to be a novel, point form is fine but write it down each time and then you may find a trend emerge from that.

To use me as an example, I felt that I was always in conflict with others (even though in reality but I wasn't but I felt that way). I wrote down all the times where I felt I was in conflict and that's when I discovered each time I felt this way, it was because I felt dismissed and this how I came to discover that being dismissed is my trigger which caused various negative emotions (neglect, not good enough, lack of self-worth) and I use food to comfort and protect myself. Since I've done this, I no longer feel like I'm in conflict but I'm very aware now when I feel triggered - this hasn't completed eliminated the negative emotions, but I'm positive it will come in time.

I'm no expert, I just read a lot of books and talk to a lot of people. The biggest lesson I have learned through my journey so far is the utter importance of self-forgiveness, self-acceptance and self-love. No one else can beat us up or put as down without our permission and most often we're most harsh and unforgiving with ourselves which eventually turns into a vicious cycle.

Anyways, hope this helps.
My weight was definitely a protective layer, a perfect excuse to not be out in the world and put myself in a situation where I would be hurt emotionally again. So staying fat and feeding that protective layer was more important than getting healthy. If I was healthy and fit then there would be no reason why I couldn't be in a new relationship and find someone new to be with, so it was easy to just stay the same and get worse. I definitely "tried" to get healthy but every attempt was sabotaged by me, and my eating and I was never successful.

Finding the right motivation for myself was really my key to success, to be health for myself and my daughter and to ensure I would be in her life for as long as possible. But even with the right motivation I still had periods of time where I feared finally getting to goal, what would I do then? What was the purpose of getting there? Once I get there does that mean I should start dating? And I would find myself less motivated and I would lose ground and gain weight again. It was also a fear of having no goal after losing all the weight, if I reached goal, then how could I continue to be successful on a regular basis? I would be eliminating something I was using as positive feedback on a regular basis.

I now know that there are absolutely no expectations for myself other than those I make for myself. So I don't have to live up to anyone else's expectations and as long as I'm happy and content I can do or not do what I want. I also realized that losing weight while a great positive feedback, was just the journey getting healthy and that health is a constant goal that I always have to be aware of and part of all my other real goals. So I needed to refocus on living life, enjoying my new found health, traveling, doing things it allowed me to enjoy. And once I decided that it naturally led to being more social and my network of friends is now growing and its fun and I'm not looking for any relationships but now I realize that maybe its a possibility and it doesn't cause any anxiety anymore. I'm even going to a speed dating event with a group of people I've been hanging out with, for fun, no expectations, and no fear.
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Old 03-19-2014, 08:32 AM   #11
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Mike, that's awesome. I've also come to realize that (heaven forbid) if anything were to happen to DH, I would be able to be happy either with just myself and my daughter, or with dating again. When I was obese, I just knew I'd always be alone if something happened to DH. Of course, that was a fear of my own making and probably wouldn't have been the reality, but it's nice to know that my weight is no longer holding me back. It's funny how even the "what ifs" can shape our lives and our self-perceptions.
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Old 03-19-2014, 08:59 AM   #12
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Thank you, thank you for sharing so openly Mike! And Dawn!

In the spirit of honesty, I will share a little of why I think my little bout of self-sabotage is rooted in fear.

I have a fantastic DH. I mean, truly fantastic. But I didn't always think so. I'm a person that is always, always looking forward to the next thing. Something new. Something different. So after a few years of marriage, I suddenly felt unfulfilled and "needed" something new. At this same time, I was just out of nursing school and the transition from a moderately sedentary college student to a busy, on my feet 12hrs a day nurse caused me to lose weight. I had a new confidence and was receiving new attention. A recipe for disaster. I decided to start a new life on my own and separated from my husband.

We have since reconciled and after much therapy, are doing very, very well.

As I am losing weight I start to see (or think I see/sense) some hesitation and self consciousness from him, which I think is stemmed from that rough time period when I tore apart our world. So that alone makes me want to step back and do whatever I can to alleviate his fears. At the same time, losing weight also makes me remember all the poor decisions I made at my thinner weight, which then leaves me feeling undeserving of losing weight. As if being overweight is paying penance for my past sins.

Anyway, that's where I think all this comes from.

BUT I am aware of it. I am journaling it. I am going to talk to DH this evening about it. And just move forward, confident in my self awareness and confident that being thin does NOT spell disaster.
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Old 03-19-2014, 09:16 AM   #13
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So much raw emotion here and so much rigorous honesty. It is overwhelming.
I am moved to tears.
My whole thinking about self worth is tied to my weight. Always has been.
I just want to be able to sit next to myself and be comfortable ~ not judging or self-abusive or in my head. Just comfortable.
I want to be comfortable in my clothes.
Comfortable in my thoughts.
Comfortable in my current state.
I pray that we all reach this point in life. I can only imagine how wonderful it will be.
Blessings and so very many hugs.
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Old 03-19-2014, 10:33 AM   #14
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Apparently, I do this too. Yesterday I was thrilled after my weigh-in to find that I am losing again, 12 lbs since my start on 1/26. It took me some real work to reign in my up days and get past the four periods I had in less than two months (TMI, perimeno). I felt so great all day about it. Then I proceeded to go over my up day calories, I have no idea why. Today is a DD so back on the horse!

I have been pondering the concept of waiting to start working out until I hit onederland (I am at 208) currently to avoid the water weight stall. Maybe I will do body weight exercises only and join the gym for circuit training at 199. I hear cardio is not regarded as helpful for weight loss as it used to be. Very interesting, many years ago when I was in great shape I just did weights because I hated cardio so much but I always felt guilty about it. Now I am hearing that is the way to go. I feel like that guilt was worthless and contributed to me not lifting for many years. Just shows again I should do what's right for me and not listen to any guilt voices.

Now that I am in for the long haul, loving JUDDD, taking it slowly, these occasional UUADs should be just fine. Thanks everyone for the comfort and wisdom so evident on this board.
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Old 03-19-2014, 10:35 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oceania View Post
Another theory about self-sabotage is fear. There's all types of fear. Fear of losing weight especially because many use fat as a layer of protection/safety . . . . I discovered each time I felt this way, it was because I felt dismissed and this how I came to discover that being dismissed is my trigger
Quote:
Originally Posted by Planelman View Post
My weight was definitely a protective layer, a perfect excuse to not be out in the world and put myself in a situation where I would be hurt emotionally again . . . . So staying fat and feeding that protective layer was more important than getting healthy . . . . there are absolutely no expectations for myself other than those I make for myself
Quote:
Originally Posted by Patkid View Post
My whole thinking about self worth is tied to my weight. Always has been. I just want to be able to sit next to myself and be comfortable ~ not judging or self-abusive or in my head.P
Quote:
Originally Posted by brainardt View Post
In the spirit of honesty, I will share a little of why I think my little bout of self-sabotage is rooted in fear
These are amazing posts. Thank you for your honesty. I've been afraid of many things my whole life, too. I know that's affected my ability to lose weight and keep it off. Over the past couple of years, I looked at my fears, and came to realize I expected others to keep me safe and happy. I kind of thought if they changed and did what I needed, I'd be able to lose weight and keep it off. But I'm out of the blame game. I'm responsible for my health, safety, and happiness. In the process of accepting that and really getting it, most of my lifelong fears went away (though there's still a vague fear of being totally dependent on others). I'm guessing this awareness and change in attitude will help me lose/maintain my weight at a healthy level. Finally.

A side effect of the fears was that I never felt satisfied with my life. I always felt something was missing, and that my life would be perfect if other people would just line-up the way I thought they should (hmm, a theme, here). In looking at myself, I realized the absurdity of this assumption. One day I apologized to my DH for expecting him to make me happy, and he said "I've had a very happy life." It was like a bomb going off in my mind. We had the same life, so what was wrong with my picture? A huge awakening; I realized immediately that my life has been very good too, in spite of the snags that happen along the way to everyone - I'd just never seen it that way. I do now.
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Old 03-19-2014, 10:43 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carrie jayne View Post
These are amazing posts. Thank you for your honesty. I've been afraid of many things my whole life, too. I know that's affected my ability to lose weight and keep it off. Over the past couple of years, I looked at my fears, and came to realize I expected others to keep me safe and happy. I kind of thought if they changed and did what I needed, I'd be able to lose weight and keep it off. But I'm out of the blame game. I'm responsible for my health, safety, and happiness. In the process of accepting that and really getting it, most of my lifelong fears went away (though there's still a vague fear of being totally dependent on others). I'm guessing this awareness and change in attitude will help me lose/maintain my weight at a healthy level. Finally.

A side effect of the fears was that I never felt satisfied with my life. I always felt something was missing, and that my life would be perfect if other people would just line-up the way I thought they should (hmm, a theme, here). In looking at myself, I realized the absurdity of this assumption. One day I apologized to my DH for expecting him to make me happy, and he said "I've had a very happy life." It was like a bomb going off in my mind. We had the same life, so what was wrong with my picture? A huge awakening; I realized immediately that my life has been very good too, in spite of the snags that happen along the way to everyone - I'd just never seen it that way. I do now.
I love this post. And I can relate to every word. Thank you!!
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Old 03-19-2014, 10:55 AM   #17
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Some of the recent comments have put me strongly in mind of Kate Harding's post on her site from 2007:
The Fantasy of Being Thin
Quote:
Because, you see, the Fantasy of Being Thin is not just about becoming small enough to be perceived as more acceptable. It is about becoming an entirely different person Ė one with far more courage, confidence, and luck than the fat you has. Itís not just, ďWhen Iím thin, Iíll look good in a bathing suitĒ; itís ďWhen Iím thin, I will be the kind of person who struts down the beach in a bikini, making men weep.Ē See also:
  • When Iím thin, Iíll have no trouble finding a partner/reinvigorating my marriage.
  • When Iím thin, Iíll have the job Iíve always wanted.
  • When Iím thin, I wonít be depressed anymore.
  • When Iím thin, Iíll be an adventurous world traveler instead of being freaked out by any country where I donít speak the language and/or the plumbing is questionable.
  • When Iím thin, Iíll become really outdoorsy.
  • When Iím thin, Iíll be more extroverted and charismatic, and thus have more friends than I know what to do with.
Et cetera, et cetera. Those are examples from my personal Fantasy of Being Thin, but Iím sure youíve got your own.
It's a thought-provoking post that she composed to express her thinking in response to a quotation that she'd recently read:
Quote:
Obese patients are often encouraged to believe that weight loss is an appropriate way to combat depression, save a failing marriage, or increase the chance of career success. The irrationality of hopes pinned on weight loss is so striking that dieting might almost be likened to superstitious behaviorÖ. Passing from childhood into adolescence, leaving home, marrying, starting a new job, having a baby, experiencing marital difficulties, adjusting to children leaving home, and growing old ó all these life situations may become unexamined reasons to diet. In other instances, concerns over weight mask even more serious problems.Ē

-Wooley and Garner, from ďObesity treatment: the high cost of false hope,Ē published in the Journal of the American Dietetic Association, vol. 91, no. 10, 1991.
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Old 03-19-2014, 11:02 AM   #18
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Originally Posted by Patkid View Post
My whole thinking about self worth is tied to my weight. Always has been.
I just want to be able to sit next to myself and be comfortable ~ not judging or self-abusive or in my head. Just comfortable.
I want to be comfortable in my clothes.
Comfortable in my thoughts.
Comfortable in my current state.
and ditto on all points. I've been food- and/or weight obsessed all my life. I know where it started on both accounts. I hope and pray before I die (providing I live to a ripe old age!) that I can live one day - just one measely day - without my weight entering into every, single, thing I do. One would think this would be all it takes to stick with something and lose this weight, right? Ah, if were only that easy. I battle with my self-worth all the time due to the blasted number on the scale. I don't do it to others and my husband, family, and friends love me as I am. Why can't I?

As to the original post, I find I self-sabotage all the time.
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Old 03-19-2014, 11:05 AM   #19
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Originally Posted by vanilla_latte View Post
and ditto on all points. I've been food- and/or weight obsessed all my life. I know where it started on both accounts. I hope and pray before I die (providing I live to a ripe old age!) that I can live one day - just one measely day - without my weight entering into every, single, thing I do. One would think this would be all it takes to stick with something and lose this weight, right? Ah, if were only that easy. I battle with my self-worth all the time due to the blasted number on the scale. I don't do it to others and my husband, family, and friends love me as I am. Why can't I?

As to the original post, I find I self-sabotage all the time.
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Old 03-19-2014, 05:19 PM   #20
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Wow. I would quote everyone one of these posts but it would take a whole page to do it so just imagine them all here.

SlowSure, your post sparked me to write though because I have known several people who have gone for the gastric bypass surgery- 2 sisters and an ex-boyfriend among them. After they (and several others I know) lost the weight, they went through a severe round of depression because they did expect their lives to magically be transformed in every area just because they were now thin. In fact two of these people tried to take their own lives. It is scary and sad and mind-blowing that we attach so much of our own self-worth to our weight. And how we hide in it too (that's me- I echo so many of the thoughts in these posts) and self-sabotage.

I wish I had an answer to stop the self-sabotage and terrible thoughts of poor self-worth. The only thing I have learned to do is come to these boards and read. The only thing that helps me is to read people saying "its ok you had some bad days - just start again tomorrow". You guys rock.
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Old 03-19-2014, 06:28 PM   #21
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I really love all you guys. I struggle with this issue as well, and it seems to be a part of why we were overweight to begin with, so really understandable actually. I do fear that things will not be as good as I hope (unrealistically) when I reach goal, and at the same time fear that they will be better and that I will have to change. I don't dwell on those thoughts, but if I analyze or think about it, it's there. I've begun working with a therapist for the first time in my life, and I hope it's going to help me work through some issues--including this one. I have nothing but understanding and empathy for all of you.
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Old 03-19-2014, 09:05 PM   #22
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My weight was definitely a protective layer, a perfect excuse to not be out in the world and put myself in a situation where I would be hurt emotionally again. So staying fat and feeding that protective layer was more important than getting healthy. If I was healthy and fit then there would be no reason why I couldn't be in a new relationship and find someone new to be with, so it was easy to just stay the same and get worse. I definitely "tried" to get healthy but every attempt was sabotaged by me, and my eating and I was never successful.

Finding the right motivation for myself was really my key to success, to be health for myself and my daughter and to ensure I would be in her life for as long as possible. But even with the right motivation I still had periods of time where I feared finally getting to goal, what would I do then? What was the purpose of getting there? Once I get there does that mean I should start dating? And I would find myself less motivated and I would lose ground and gain weight again. It was also a fear of having no goal after losing all the weight, if I reached goal, then how could I continue to be successful on a regular basis? I would be eliminating something I was using as positive feedback on a regular basis.

I now know that there are absolutely no expectations for myself other than those I make for myself. So I don't have to live up to anyone else's expectations and as long as I'm happy and content I can do or not do what I want. I also realized that losing weight while a great positive feedback, was just the journey getting healthy and that health is a constant goal that I always have to be aware of and part of all my other real goals. So I needed to refocus on living life, enjoying my new found health, traveling, doing things it allowed me to enjoy. And once I decided that it naturally led to being more social and my network of friends is now growing and its fun and I'm not looking for any relationships but now I realize that maybe its a possibility and it doesn't cause any anxiety anymore. I'm even going to a speed dating event with a group of people I've been hanging out with, for fun, no expectations, and no fear.
Amazing! Thanks for sharing!

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Originally Posted by Patkid View Post
So much raw emotion here and so much rigorous honesty. It is overwhelming.
I am moved to tears.
My whole thinking about self worth is tied to my weight. Always has been.
I just want to be able to sit next to myself and be comfortable ~ not judging or self-abusive or in my head. Just comfortable.
I want to be comfortable in my clothes.
Comfortable in my thoughts.
Comfortable in my current state.
I pray that we all reach this point in life. I can only imagine how wonderful it will be.
Blessings and so very many hugs.
P
You can start that right now. Just let yourself be. Accept yourself. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Say that yourself everyday, look in the mirror. Keep saying it until you believe it. Never put yourself down or talk negatively about yourself (or others for that matter). So often we call ourselves stupid, or put ourselves without down even realizing. Most of us can't even accept compliments with just a simply thank you. We often say "oh you're just saying that" or "it's only because...". We need to learn to accept and love ourselves.

Quote:
Originally Posted by carrie jayne View Post
These are amazing posts. Thank you for your honesty. I've been afraid of many things my whole life, too. I know that's affected my ability to lose weight and keep it off. Over the past couple of years, I looked at my fears, and came to realize I expected others to keep me safe and happy. I kind of thought if they changed and did what I needed, I'd be able to lose weight and keep it off. But I'm out of the blame game. I'm responsible for my health, safety, and happiness. In the process of accepting that and really getting it, most of my lifelong fears went away (though there's still a vague fear of being totally dependent on others). I'm guessing this awareness and change in attitude will help me lose/maintain my weight at a healthy level. Finally.

A side effect of the fears was that I never felt satisfied with my life. I always felt something was missing, and that my life would be perfect if other people would just line-up the way I thought they should (hmm, a theme, here). In looking at myself, I realized the absurdity of this assumption. One day I apologized to my DH for expecting him to make me happy, and he said "I've had a very happy life." It was like a bomb going off in my mind. We had the same life, so what was wrong with my picture? A huge awakening; I realized immediately that my life has been very good too, in spite of the snags that happen along the way to everyone - I'd just never seen it that way. I do now.
This is HUGE! The most important step is self-awareness, you're already half way there!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Librarygirl View Post
I really love all you guys. I struggle with this issue as well, and it seems to be a part of why we were overweight to begin with, so really understandable actually. I do fear that things will not be as good as I hope (unrealistically) when I reach goal, and at the same time fear that they will be better and that I will have to change. I don't dwell on those thoughts, but if I analyze or think about it, it's there. I've begun working with a therapist for the first time in my life, and I hope it's going to help me work through some issues--including this one. I have nothing but understanding and empathy for all of you.
I've been seeing a counsellor for the last 2 years through work and she's been a God-send.

Another thing that's helped me folks is thinking positive and envisioning the person you want to be and the life you want. I kid you not, whatever I've put out to the universe, I'm getting! I know the book The Secret is a bit cheesy and there's part I don't really agree with but the general principle of positive attracts positive, negative attracts negative is so true. If you're constantly in a negative frame of mind, you will attract negative behaviour, things and people in your life and vice versa with positive. Start small and frame things in a positive way. For example, instead of saying I want to lose weight. Say I want to be healthy, slim, trim, etc. Avoid saying things "I don't want to be overweight" because don't is a negative word. Healthy and slim are positive words. It just helps your frame of mind and makes you feel more positive.

I send all of you much love and light to help you in your journeys.

Last edited by oceania; 03-19-2014 at 09:09 PM..
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Old 03-20-2014, 06:27 AM   #23
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What an awesome and insightful thread. Toni, I can so relate to what you are saying. I didn't get a chance to read all the posts because I have to leave for work, but I'm definitely marking my spot!

You all are such an insightful and knowledgeable group.

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Old 03-20-2014, 07:46 AM   #24
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Sort of...

Like this morning when I weighed I had that feeling of relaxation because I have reached my mini goal; which is a weight where I feel as though I'm really on the right track. <---as you see, my avatar says 188, which was true last year before I fell off the wagon between surgery, work, stress, and some depression with family stuff. I weighed in this morning back at 188 which is 10 pounds down from January, I've only been JUDDDing since March 1st though and my start weight was 196 then.

Anyways.. Although I feel that relaxation, I feel like donig whatever it takes to hold on to the loss, and continue to go down. I get more discouraged when my weight goes up, and I find it more difficult then to stick with it, especially on an UD, when I need to eat.
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Old 03-20-2014, 08:04 AM   #25
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Thank you, thank you for sharing so openly Mike! And Dawn!

In the spirit of honesty, I will share a little of why I think my little bout of self-sabotage is rooted in fear.

I have a fantastic DH. I mean, truly fantastic. But I didn't always think so. I'm a person that is always, always looking forward to the next thing. Something new. Something different. So after a few years of marriage, I suddenly felt unfulfilled and "needed" something new. At this same time, I was just out of nursing school and the transition from a moderately sedentary college student to a busy, on my feet 12hrs a day nurse caused me to lose weight. I had a new confidence and was receiving new attention. A recipe for disaster. I decided to start a new life on my own and separated from my husband.

We have since reconciled and after much therapy, are doing very, very well.

As I am losing weight I start to see (or think I see/sense) some hesitation and self consciousness from him, which I think is stemmed from that rough time period when I tore apart our world. So that alone makes me want to step back and do whatever I can to alleviate his fears. At the same time, losing weight also makes me remember all the poor decisions I made at my thinner weight, which then leaves me feeling undeserving of losing weight. As if being overweight is paying penance for my past sins.

Anyway, that's where I think all this comes from.

BUT I am aware of it. I am journaling it. I am going to talk to DH this evening about it. And just move forward, confident in my self awareness and confident that being thin does NOT spell disaster.
I can really relate with this mindset... I'm so glad you and your hubby worked things out and that you're prepared this time for weight-loss side-effects.
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Old 03-20-2014, 08:13 AM   #26
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Wonderful thread. Thank you all for your honesty.
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Old 03-20-2014, 11:14 AM   #27
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Backatcha.

It never, ever ceases to amaze me that the simple - or what should be simple - act of fueling our bodies can turn into such a twisted, evil, self-demoralizing act. Why is it we think we're going to absolutely fall over stark raving dying of hunger if we miss a meal (or two, or three) when a single DD shows us nothing could be further from the truth?

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Old 03-20-2014, 12:39 PM   #28
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I have been self sabotaging (and self soothing) with cocktails since last Saturday. Never to the point of impairment, but too many calories wasted.
I think I may have uncovered a new tool in my tool box today:
I ate a rather large and satisfying (healthy, too) breakfast.
Then about 1PM I ate my 'main' meal. Even had a nice and kind of big dessert.
I feel very satisfied and have plenty of calories left for a very light supper ~ planning a hard boiled egg and some broth.
I will NOT have enough calories left for cocktails!
Essentially, in this routine, I will be starting my DD fast at about 2PM on my UD.
If this works as I hope it will I may continue it on UDs.
Thoughts?
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Old 03-20-2014, 12:45 PM   #29
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Another theory about self-sabotage is fear. ... Fear of not only failure but of succeeding because it may mean what else are we capable of succeeding at that we're afraid of trying?

....
This. This, so much!!!

I don't want my weight reduction to be a reproach to me, as to what else I might be failing to do. I want it to build my confidence, and spur me to greater heights!
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Old 03-20-2014, 05:09 PM   #30
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This. This, so much!!!

I don't want my weight reduction to be a reproach to me, as to what else I might be failing to do. I want it to build my confidence, and spur me to greater heights!

I see you as SOARING already!
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