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Old 01-09-2014, 03:28 PM   #1
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Way off topic but I need to vent (long)... (friend's being cheated on)

THIS IS LONG I'm so sorry, but I have to get this out of my head so it doesn't consume me all night...
And I'm sure this belongs in the "playground" area, but I mostly just know you JBs best , so I'm putting it here. Anyone who sees it is welcome to comment of course

History:
So, I'm friends with this guy from our university days. That makes 20yrs right about now.

For a while, he dated/lived with a very good friend of mine. I didn't introduce them, but they found each other, and there you go. However, it was a VERY toxic relationship.

When they broke up, I stayed friends with both-- b/c I was friends with both before.
She harbored some resentment b/c she thought she was right (all the time) and I shouldn't be friends with him. Um...not how I work. And she was the cause for most of the toxicity.

Eventually, I stopped being friends with her (b/c she is straight-up crazy, and proved it over the ensuing years) and stayed friends with him. I'd meet his girlfriends, he met my boyfriends, and eventually my husband, and now me and DH are part of the gang with this guy friend and his/my other friends from school.

Ok, great.

So-- guy friend gets married to a lovely girl a few years ago. We didn't know her well before the wedding, but in the years since, we hang out. Have even talked about vacationing together, maybe getting a cottage, etc.

Situation:

Today, the wife pings me on FB-- asks if crazy ex-girlfriend was at a dinner a few years ago (wife wasn't there, but was meeting us the next day at the cottage for a long weekend)... And she was.
And I thought that was weird, and I said to the husband -- why is SHE here? And he gave some BS answer, and we all let it go (there were other of his friends there that I know for a long time, we all thought it was weird and bad).

So I say to wife on FB-- yes, she was there. And she's like, call me now if you can

and to sum up this loooong story-- he's been cheating on her, with this ex, and at least 1 other woman who I don't know.
She found out about it, he owned up to some (but not all of it-- she's found more stuff on his phone).

They're in therapy already, I think she's willing to work through this (which is not what I thought she'd do, but I support her in her effort).

I"M SO MAD AT MY GUY FRIEND FOR BEING AN #&^$%$^%#& IDIOT!!!

She's a good woman, and he is a good guy with faults. Between me and DH, we sometimes don't like the way she talks to him, but I thought they'd work through their issues as a couple. Marriage is work, right?

Today, she unloads all the behind the scenes stuff on me (the cheating with new person, the cheating and really crazy "leading on" emails/bbms with my ex-friend, the financial situation, I already knew they don't sleep in the same room... all these stories!).

And of course, she's like-- don't tell anyone.

You know I'm telling my DH. That's a given. But I really needed to vent this somewhere none of them will see.

I feel badly for them. We're in our 40's. They don't have kids, and I think both of them want kids. They're both really smart and articulate, each witih their own faults. he's got mommy issues (she walked out on him when he was a wee kid, raised by evil step-mother (seriously, they modeled all the Disney villains on her), etc). I know his philandering (which goes back AGES) is based on his self-esteem issues, etc. But he's not had the benefit of years of therapy, so he's just stagnated and not really grown in this area.
He has to want to change. Right now, I think he's sabotaging himself, and probably doesn't even know why he's doing it. He's got a great thing going, if he could just pull himself together.

On her side, she's an only child, parents had a great marriage, so I don't think she understands where he's coming from (doesn't have to condone, but some understanding would be nice, right?) and like I said, she does sort of harp on him and talk down to him sometimes.

I hope their couples therapist is an award-winner, b/c she's got her hands full here.

Ok, well, I just had to get that out. If you have advice for me (I'm mostly going to try to stay out of it. What I really want to do is call him and yell at him, and yell at ex-friend to stop messing around with a married man. And yell at my friend who is current friend-of-ex-friend to stop condoning her behavior and set her straight!).

S.
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Old 01-09-2014, 04:09 PM   #2
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Um. I just think stay out of it. You don't need that kind of stress in your life right now. Let them work it out.
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Old 01-09-2014, 04:15 PM   #3
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Yeah, if you get in the middle of it, you will eventually end up being the bad guy by one or the other (or both).
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Old 01-09-2014, 04:33 PM   #4
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The way you wrote it, it sounds like he's been cheating for years. Apparently they have been dealing with "issues" for a while now, so it almost sounds like the wife of your friend is disclosing this to you in desperation, wanting your involvement, hoping it might make a difference (and that he will stop). I agree with everyone here. Just let them work it out for themselves.
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Old 01-09-2014, 04:37 PM   #5
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Love your response, Soren: freak privately, say and do as little as you can in public.
I dunno. I figure nobody wakes up saying, I'm going to be an a$&@&$& today (including me, when I have been an a$&@&$&). We're all just doing our best to find our way home (to sanity, love, whatever) and some days - some years - that looks prettier than others.
I can add bad/twisted energy to a bad/twisted scenario, or I can add compassion and hope.
I sound like a hallmark card, I know.
All the best to them and you.
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Old 01-09-2014, 04:47 PM   #6
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that is so sad. i have been in this position that you speak of more times than i care to think about

that being said, you got some very sage advice about not getting involved. don't do it. you will get yourself in trouble.

THAT being said, i personally would call my guy friend and rip him a new one. but that is just my italian impulsiveness that has gotten me in trouble more times than i care to admit. not a good idea. i am not known for my ability to think first and than act. ooooh noooo not at all. i act first and than pay dearly for it later

i am sorry you are going thru this and i am sorry for your friend. i hope the counseling works.
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Old 01-09-2014, 06:11 PM   #7
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Thanks folks. I am staying out of it. I let her tell me stuff, I said some supportive things.

I agree Colleen, I desperately want to smack my guy friend and be like, snap out of it.

None of my friends are divorced, and seeing this happen is indeed sad.

And crazypants...

Good advice, thanks for letting me vent.
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Old 01-09-2014, 06:36 PM   #8
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Soren, I do understand and hope I didn't sound cold in my response. I went through some of the same issues, with a cheating spouse. Apparently everyone in town knew my husband was cheating (with more than one person), and I felt like a complete fool. I know how she feels, but I don't know if anyone outside of the relationship can really do anything but be a shoulder to cry on.
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Old 01-09-2014, 06:54 PM   #9
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Oh, no, Cin. I just nodded as I read everyone's responses.

I knew this guy when he was cheating on his girlfriend when he was 19. It's in him. But he also is the guy who gave a great analogy/visual about why its so bad...

You have a golden statue. And you flip it over, and chip away some gold from the base. And flip it back.
You don't see the damage, but you know it's there. And if you keep doing it, your statue will be hollow and worthless. And you did that.

So, knowing that, knowing that he taught me that, I'm even more mad with him. UUUGH.

Sigh.
S.
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Old 01-09-2014, 09:58 PM   #10
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Ah Soren. I'm sorry you're having to even hear about all this stress. It really hurts when good friends are hurting, and especially when they are acting all wackadoodle. Cheating on your spouse is out of line. Cheating with someone who is married is out of line. Why are people so cavalier with their vows and with the trust their spouse has? I just don't get it. Try to extricate yourself for your own sanity!
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Old 01-10-2014, 03:16 PM   #11
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Old 01-10-2014, 08:26 PM   #12
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Thanks Chickie's!
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Old 01-11-2014, 05:12 AM   #13
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Hugs Soren! That is devastating! You come vent here as often as you need to!

Oh, I also encourage you to run an internet search on 'triangulating behavior'...and plan how you are going to respond as she/they try to use you as the fulcrum of the triangle.
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Old 01-11-2014, 09:04 AM   #14
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Oooh, interesting new term for me, Nancy!

The guy friend hasn't communicated with me on this yet. I don't think he will. We have similar personalities (sorta) but I think hr knows my reaction, and doesn't want to hear it.

Funny, he initiated a couples dinner last Saturday (my successful dd at the steakhouse and movies? That was them).
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Old 01-12-2014, 11:31 AM   #15
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Old 01-12-2014, 11:48 AM   #16
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Soren, the male half of this sad mess is triangulating...just not verbally.

Just take care of yourself. I know (from too much personal experience) this stress is not good for you.
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Old 01-12-2014, 12:12 PM   #17
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Fabulously interesting. Not your problem. Not your business. Not fair to you for the wife to vent to you since you know both of them and indeed have known the husband longer.

We all need soft places to land and places to vent, but the marriage and what is going on is sacrosanct. Involving too many family/friends in a marriage is a mistake.
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Old 01-12-2014, 02:09 PM   #18
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Thanks Marsha. She actually did say she hasn't talked about this with anyone, but 1 work friend. I feel badly for her, slightly less badly for him.

No calls or anything since this happened, so I'm working to put it behind me, while also wondering what will come of it.

Glad we didn't buy a cottage together though.
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Old 01-12-2014, 02:19 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gotsomeold View Post
Soren, the male half of this sad mess is triangulating...just not verbally.

Just take care of yourself. I know (from too much personal experience) this stress is not good for you.
From what I've now read (thank you Nancy! I wish I had taken psychology in university!), I think they both are. Her in a "well meaning" way, and he in the toxic way.

Whole sad mess is the right term for this as well.

Sigh.

But hey, I learned a new psychology term. And given that I'm often in this position (less as an adult, but I'm still someone people around me vent to), I'm happy to have a term for this behaviour.

S.
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Old 01-12-2014, 04:22 PM   #20
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I have a friend who I and others encumber with venting to because she gives great advice. She can handle it and everything but I do feel bad for her. Me? I have little patience and tend to be blunt ... and then I wonder why people don't want to talk to me.
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