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-   -   Does Your Weight Make You Reclusive or Shy? (http://www.lowcarbfriends.com/bbs/juddd/805782-does-your-weight-make-you-reclusive-shy.html)

Never Too Late 06-09-2013 09:14 AM

Does Your Weight Make You Reclusive or Shy?
 
Hi Folks,

This morning I have the chance to meet a new group of people at a local "bread/bakery" type restaurant. In short it's a "club meeting" in a topic or group that I have interest in.

I've always been a sort of loner and bookworm, even since I was little. Don't get me wrong, I've made plenty of friends, but usually through school, work or church, and I've been married and raised a family.

But now that I am semi-retired (age 56) and recently moved to a new community in Los Angeles I find myself more and more reclusive. In fact in 18 months I haven't met anyone new and hardly venture out, except alone or with my DH.

To be honest, I hate to meet people because of my size (245) at 5'1", and I a lot of baggy skin, etc. -- it scares me to meet new people because I've been hurt in the past and I'm afraid of rejection. It seems easier just to stay home, read a book, play with my dog and search the internet (pathetic, no?)

Since this is my down day, I am using the excuse not to go meet the people because it's fast day ... blah blah blah. But in reality, I looked at their menu and there are many items under 300 calories likes soups and lettuce wraps.

I am so scared to go, but am forcing myself to take a shower, get dressed and drive to a strange city to meet them. I am determined to have a good time.

Do any of you find yourself being reclusive or shy because of your weight? How do you cope?

KeirasMom 06-09-2013 09:36 AM

I had a group of "fat" friends and group of "thin" friends and an overlap group. Not that my friends were fat or thin, but there was the group who knew me when I was thin, and the group who always knew me fat. When I got fat, I lost some friends who obviously weren't friends anyway. Because of that, I didn't go to the last couple of reunions. I didn't want to be judged by my weight. Now I'm sort of sad about that.

I've always been sort of a loner, too, and have to force myself to get out there. Even now. :dunno:

DeltaBigBoy 06-09-2013 10:03 AM

I am definitely a recluse. I don't feel comfortable in any clothes I buy. I'm paranoid everyone is staring at the fatty feeding his face. The older I get the worse it has become. Other than work, groceries and relatives I go nowhere. I even do all my shopping on the Internet. I am the epitome of loner. BUT, I also hate most people in general. I find them annoying so its not so bad. :D

Carly 06-09-2013 10:13 AM

I'm shy by nature, but had more self doubt when I was fat. I really feared that I was being judged. I don't know whether that was the case or not. I am somewhat more out going now and don't mind being in a group of new people as much, but would still rather be with people I know and like. I've always been around lots of people, but have gone through phases of feeling close with people and times when I feel more isolated even though there have been plenty of people around. It really has to do with how I feel about myself.

CarolinaCoast 06-09-2013 10:24 AM

I agree with Carly that it's how I feel about myself. Even though I'm not overweight now and only had 30 pounds to lose, if I'm up 3 lb over my maintenance weight, I don't want to go out of the house. It makes me feel very low. I magnify it in my own mind.

vickismc 06-09-2013 10:53 AM

Great topic!

I would not say I am a loner but I am an introvert who really has to try hard to get out there. I am not comfortable but I do know that as I've lost weight I am more apt to put myself out there before I lost weight I would avoid social situations as much as I could! I am kind of shy and do not like to be the center of attention. I moved from Colorado to California 5 years ago and that is when I gained over 50lbs. I don't really know anyone here except for my finace and his parents. I mostly do things either alone or with my finace. I'm okay doing things alone as I was single for a long time in Denver and most of my friends were married which makes it difficult to do a lot with them. Once I get to know someone I am fine and have great friends but it's the opening myself up that is the hardest part for me.

In the past year as I lost weight I have finally tried to branch out and I joined a Ladies Night Out group. It took me months to finally get the courage to go to one of their dinners and even then kept trying to talk myself out of going as I was driving there. I don't feel that these ladies are my 'best friends' and I only see them once a month but at least I am getting out there some and I do enjoy it once I'm there.

I also connected with a group of ladies who love Disney and that group seems to be the easiest because of our mutual interest of Disney...there is always something to talk about and we mostly meet at Disneyland so if you don't want to talk much it's not really required because there are a lot of distractions.:)

Before that I joined gym and I took classes at the local community college to try to maybe meet people but the introvert in me stays pretty much to myself and didn't/don't really interact with others much.

Sorry, I got off track but to answer your question I do feel a bit more comfortable as I've lost weight. However, losing weight has not change the fact that I am an introvert who has to try REALLY hard to interact with new people and situations as I had a difficult time even at my lighter weight. I will always have issues with new people and new situations.

pooticus 06-09-2013 11:05 AM

This is a super great topic!

When I was heavier (314) it was SO hard to be with people. I was extremely self-conscious and always felt condemnation when we would dine out. I would see people staring at me with accusation.

I got down to 218 before my second surgery and felt so much better about myself and lost a lot of self-consciousness. I don't know if that was about the weight loss or about that I physically felt better. It was also physically difficult to move at 314lbs.

Now after my second recon surgery, I've regained weight up to 243. It's difficult again and I am resistant to going out so much. But I also feel physically trashed most of the time from the aftermath of the cancer treatment as well as the weight gain. So it's hard to answer that question!

My thoughts are yes, weight limits most people and isolates them.

Good for you for making yourself meet people!!! Kudos. We want to hear how it went!!!

ravenrose 06-09-2013 11:18 AM

be eccentric, not fat. own who you are and know if someone judges you for it, GOOD, because it saves you wasting time with a worthless person. better to know now! *hug*

Librarygirl 06-09-2013 02:00 PM

Yes!! I have spent so many years as a recluse because of my weight. It's not all in my head either, lol. My family could not talk about much else (among themselves, and to me...yet a bit more "sensitive" to me in person), plus have had people I once knew when I was thin see me out and openly gawk. My ex told me the reason he wasn't interested in me physically anymore was because of my weight, and when I was even 20-25 lbs smaller than I am now, the bf I had left me because I gained. To say I'm shy about my weight is putting it mildly. I want to cry huge tears of joy at just losing these 30 lbs I've finally lost, and to be finally sort of "proud" of how I look is simply amazing.

Sorry, I wrote a novel! Simply put, I LOVE JUDDD and all of you beautiful people for giving me back my life!!!

pooticus 06-09-2013 02:48 PM

Cindy :hugs: EF them! I'm so sad for your experience, but you are truly more beautiful for your adversity!!! :hugs:

Librarygirl 06-09-2013 03:53 PM

Thank you, Pooticus. You have been through so much and yet are so supportive and empathetic.:hugs:It makes me ashamed to say anything negative about myself. I do feel like I'm in a cocoon of sorts in here, and I hope you all don't feel that I'm too self-indulgent.:hugs:

Demonica 06-09-2013 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vickismc (Post 16462696)
Great topic!

I would not say I am a loner but I am an introvert who really has to try hard to get out there. I am not comfortable but I do know that as I've lost weight I am more apt to put myself out there before I lost weight I would avoid social situations as much as I could! I am kind of shy and do not like to be the center of attention.

This is definitely me too!

When I was younger and in elementary, I wished like crazy that I could be invisible so people would just leave me alone. Then when I got a little older (middle school years) and wanted a boyfriend I couldn't seem to attract one for anything! Now I want to be invisible because of all the attention I AM getting from guys!

I can't win for losing.

Flutter 06-09-2013 05:05 PM

Yep. Guilty as charged. The weight gain definitely makes me isolate more as I feel even worse about myself and it just snowballs in to gaining more, isolating more, feeling worse, etc etc etc. However, as Carly said, it's more about my self esteem really. I felt a lot better about myself through my school years, then when I was working in the field I loved. When I had my 3rd child and decided to stay home with the kids, all of the above took a nosedive. (isolated more, gained more weight, felt worse about myself, etc) I'm in between now. I will take a bit more of a risk, but lots of times only when pushed. ;)

OP, I really hope you had a wonderful time today. Please let us know how it went! You should be very proud of yourself moving out of your comfort zone and just DOING it! :heart:

deedee 06-09-2013 05:17 PM

Definitely, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. I'm actually waiting to start dating again until I've lost another 10-15 pounds. If I'm being honest, when I was at my highest weight, I didn't feel like anyone would want to date me. Now, I just want to be my most confident, comfortable self before dating.

I also noticed that some friends stopped being so friendly when I got heaviest, and after I lost weight, those friends told me they were relieved because they'd been "so worried" about me when I gained the weight. I've cut those people out of my life. Who needs those kind of friends?

I guess the one good thing about being very heavy is I learned to like spending time by myself. Our most important relationship will always be with ourselves, so it's a valuable lesson to learn.

Never Too Late 06-09-2013 05:39 PM

Everything went swimmingly at this morning's meet-up. There were about 14 people, of all ages, and we shared much in common. After a few moments of tamping down my fears, the initial discomfort subsided and then we all got into some great conversations. I felt very at ease.

I was so touched by all your answers. Thank you for your support. I think much of the time I truly value my alone-time, but about 5% of the time I feel overly lonely and know that it's not healthy for me. That's when I know I need to "shake things up" and get out of my comfort zone. It's sooooo hard, but I can do it with your tremendous support.

I also got a good giggle from Delta Big Boy's post when he said "I am the epitome of loner. BUT, I also hate most people in general. I find them annoying so its not so bad." I'm right there with you, Delta BB, I agree wholeheartedly!

There are a few other nice things that happened this morning. I loathe clothes shopping, so I usually buy my clothes through catalogs and they hardly ever fit well. I left the house this morning looking like doo-doo with a pair of baggy jeans with bleach spatters on the cuffs, and a peach skin blouse that hung on me like a circus tent. (Can you believe these were my best clothes, Ugh!)

So right before this morning's club meeting I drove to a large-lady department store for the first time in 8 years. I struck up a conversation with a woman before the store opened. She gave me a 30% discount card! Wow! Then I went in and found a really nice pair of jeans and a beautiful deep blue blouse that were a size smaller than I normally wear. I tried them on and they fit and looked great! And they were both half off, plus the discount! Whew, psychologically I felt so much better when I walked out of the store wearing the new clothes and a sparkly new necklace.

After the club meeting, I tried to drive home the same route via surface streets. Well, all my life while living in L.A. I would traverse the L.A. freeway system with no drama or trauma. Then I lived in 2 small villages in two different states (one of those states was Hawaii) and got out of the habit of driving on freeways. Now that I've moved back to the mainland, I have been agitated and fearful -- even to the point of panic attacks. I haven't been on a freeway in 8 years!

So I got horribly lost on surface streets on my way home. After an hour, in desperation I actually got on the freeway. And you know what? It wasn't so bad.

So today, I managed to conquer my fear of meeting new people, my fear of getting on the freeway, and my aversion to shopping for clothes in a woman's large size shop and having to look in a full size mirror! Yay!

And ... drumroll please ... I stuck to my down day, eating a steak lettuce wrap for 280 calories. And when I got home, hubby complimented me on my new outfit.

Flutter 06-09-2013 05:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Never Too Late (Post 16463207)
Everything went swimmingly at this morning's meet-up. There were about 14 people, of all ages, and we shared much in common. After a few moments of tamping down my fears, the initial discomfort subsided and then we all got into some great conversations. I felt very at ease.

I was so touched by all your answers. Thank you for your support. I think much of the time I truly value my alone-time, but about 5% of the time I feel overly lonely and know that it's not healthy for me. That's when I know I need to "shake things up" and get out of my comfort zone. It's sooooo hard, but I can do it with your tremendous support.

I also got a good giggle from Delta Big Boy's post when he said "I am the epitome of loner. BUT, I also hate most people in general. I find them annoying so its not so bad." I'm right there with you, Delta BB, I agree wholeheartedly!

There are a few other nice things that happened this morning. I loathe clothes shopping, so I usually buy my clothes through catalogs and they hardly ever fit well. I left the house this morning looking like doo-doo with a pair of baggy jeans with bleach spatters on the cuffs, and a peach skin blouse that hung on me like a circus tent. (Can you believe these were my best clothes, Ugh!)

So right before this morning's club meeting I drove to a large-lady department store for the first time in 8 years. I struck up a conversation with a woman before the store opened. She gave me a 30% discount card! Wow! Then I went in and found a really nice pair of jeans and a beautiful deep blue blouse that were a size smaller than I normally wear. I tried them on and they fit and looked great! And they were both half off, plus the discount! Whew, psychologically I felt so much better when I walked out of the store wearing the new clothes and a sparkly new necklace.

After the club meeting, I tried to drive home the same route via surface streets. Well, all my life while living in L.A. I would traverse the L.A. freeway system with no drama or trauma. Then I lived in 2 small villages in two different states (one of those states was Hawaii) and got out of the habit of driving on freeways. Now that I've moved back to the mainland, I have been agitated and fearful -- even to the point of panic attacks. I haven't been on a freeway in 8 years!

So I got horribly lost on surface streets on my way home. After an hour, in desperation I actually got on the freeway. And you know what? It wasn't so bad.

So today, I managed to conquer my fear of meeting new people, my fear of getting on the freeway, and my aversion to shopping for clothes in a woman's large size shop and having to look in a full size mirror! Yay!

And ... drumroll please ... I stuck to my down day, eating a steak lettuce wrap for 280 calories. And when I got home, hubby complimented me on my new outfit
.

This is BEAUTIFUL!!!!!! I have goosebumps on my arms (and not just b/c of it being a DD!!!) and tears in my eyes. I am PROUD of you and THRILLED for you! You go girl!!!!! :cry: :heart::clap::jumpjoy: What a wonderful, perfect day!!!!!

deedee 06-09-2013 05:47 PM

Quote:

So today, I managed to conquer my fear of meeting new people, my fear of getting on the freeway, and my aversion to shopping for clothes in a woman's large size shop and having to look in a full size mirror! Yay!

And ... drumroll please ... I stuck to my down day, eating a steak lettuce wrap for 280 calories. And when I got home, hubby complimented me on my new outfit.
What an amazing day you had!

Pami 06-09-2013 05:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DeltaBigBoy (Post 16462635)
BUT, I also hate most people in general. I find them annoying so its not so bad. :D

This sounds like Grumpy Cat to me :p

Carly 06-09-2013 06:19 PM

Never too late it sounds like you had a great day! So happy for you!

Familyvet 06-09-2013 08:41 PM

That is so awesome! Sounds like a whole string of NSV's! And all because you forced yourself to get out of your comfort zone! You are a true inspiration!! I hope you made some wonderful new friends today!

vickismc 06-09-2013 08:55 PM

Never to Late - So glad to hear about your amazing day!

LoCarbGal 06-09-2013 10:50 PM

Cyn, I'm so glad you had a great time! And that you pushed yourself to do something out of your comfort zone. I'm right there with all you guys. I've always been on the shy side, and have to really force myself to put myself out there. There are so may people out there that seem to want to talk endlessly about themselves, and normally I don't. I'm constantly amazed at the detailed stories and account others give of their everyday occurrences - I mean down to the smallest details. I often find myself thinking "I can't even imagine telling anyone those kinds of things, and if I did, why would they want to hear it? B-O-R-I-N-G!

The extra weight has definitely made me more even more introverted. I don't like putting myself in situations where anyone would say "Hey look at the fat lady eating/walking/shopping/anything." And Deedee, I'm with you about dating. I know there are lots of guys out there who are not put off by extra weight, but I am uncomfortable with it. Mine I mean. So dating will wait for awhile yet for me too.

And Scott, I'm right there with you! Most people are definitely NOT my favorite thing! That's why I feel so lucky to have found all you JBs!

wiiiifit 06-09-2013 11:59 PM

What an awesome ending to your day full of NSVs! Congrats to you!

I have always been shy, quiet and introverted even when I was younger and thinner. Now, having been a stay at home mom in a really rural area for several years; it has only gotten worse.

Librarygirl 06-10-2013 04:32 AM

Cyn, it really sounds like you had a great time. I am so happy for you! What a wonderful thing that you had time to shop and find some fabulous clothes (and jewelry!) to wear before you went too. Thank you for sharing your experience, and letting us know how it went. :)

pooticus 06-10-2013 04:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Librarygirl (Post 16463086)
Thank you, Pooticus. You have been through so much and yet are so supportive and empathetic.:hugs:It makes me ashamed to say anything negative about myself. I do feel like I'm in a cocoon of sorts in here, and I hope you all don't feel that I'm too self-indulgent.:hugs:

Please never think that! What the cancer has taught me (cuz people now come out and share their struggles and crosses with me) is that we are all carrying such huge crosses of our own regardless of its name. We all struggle and just cuz one is called cancer does not make it more imposing than any other!!!

Thank YOU for being vulnerable to us and sharing. We never know where or how we are healed! :hugs:

Librarygirl 06-10-2013 05:30 AM

:goodpost: :hugs::hugs::hugs:

zipp2play 06-10-2013 05:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pooticus (Post 16463003)
Cindy :hugs: EF them! I'm so sad for your experience, but you are truly more beautiful for your adversity!!! :hugs:

I agree with this 100%!!! I guess I am not the norm here. I have never been shy or a loner. In high school I was probably my "shyest" and I let what others thought of me bother me. I was a big teenager. After I got out of that, I was always active and outgoing no matter how big I got. Honestly, at my largest 230 pounds, I met and got engaged to my husband. I have always enjoyed being part of a group and yet, I try to surround myself with those that don't view SIZE as an issue for anything. Does that make sense? I mean, I am a lot smaller now, but I still try to only be part of groups that don't view size. I work a lot at my children's schools with the parent groups. I recently joined a book club. I participate in a Bunco group. You name it. I have always felt that PEOPLE need PEOPLE. Maybe it's just me that needs others.

Life is meant to be lived and I pray each of you finds the inner strength to say EFF them --as Cindy had stated. Truly big or small, NONE of us are a number. We are genuine people with thoughts and dreams. There are some horribly mean awful skinny people, but I have also known some really horrible, mean Heavy people too. The world is full of all kinds. Find the ones that see things as you do.....and enjoy!

Flutter 06-10-2013 06:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zipp2play (Post 16463570)
I agree with this 100%!!! I guess I am not the norm here. I have never been shy or a loner. In high school I was probably my "shyest" and I let what others thought of me bother me. I was a big teenager. After I got out of that, I was always active and outgoing no matter how big I got. Honestly, at my largest 230 pounds, I met and got engaged to my husband. I have always enjoyed being part of a group and yet, I try to surround myself with those that don't view SIZE as an issue for anything. Does that make sense? I mean, I am a lot smaller now, but I still try to only be part of groups that don't view size. I work a lot at my children's schools with the parent groups. I recently joined a book club. I participate in a Bunco group. You name it. I have always felt that PEOPLE need PEOPLE. Maybe it's just me that needs others.

Life is meant to be lived and I pray each of you finds the inner strength to say EFF them --as Cindy had stated. Truly big or small, NONE of us are a number. We are genuine people with thoughts and dreams. There are some horribly mean awful skinny people, but I have also known some really horrible, mean Heavy people too. The world is full of all kinds. Find the ones that see things as you do.....and enjoy!

You have such a fun, lively and wonderful attitude, zipp! :love::heart:

LoCarbGal 06-10-2013 07:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zipp2play (Post 16463570)
I agree with this 100%!!! I guess I am not the norm here. I have never been shy or a loner. In high school I was probably my "shyest" and I let what others thought of me bother me. I was a big teenager. After I got out of that, I was always active and outgoing no matter how big I got. Honestly, at my largest 230 pounds, I met and got engaged to my husband. I have always enjoyed being part of a group and yet, I try to surround myself with those that don't view SIZE as an issue for anything. Does that make sense? I mean, I am a lot smaller now, but I still try to only be part of groups that don't view size. I work a lot at my children's schools with the parent groups. I recently joined a book club. I participate in a Bunco group. You name it. I have always felt that PEOPLE need PEOPLE. Maybe it's just me that needs others.

Life is meant to be lived and I pray each of you finds the inner strength to say EFF them --as Cindy had stated. Truly big or small, NONE of us are a number. We are genuine people with thoughts and dreams. There are some horribly mean awful skinny people, but I have also known some really horrible, mean Heavy people too. The world is full of all kinds. Find the ones that see things as you do.....and enjoy!

Very :goodpost:!

KeirasMom 06-10-2013 07:41 AM

Cyn, what a fantastic day!! I'm so pleased you put yourself out there and got to reap some of the rewards of going outside your comfort zone. Yea, you! :high5:


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