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Old 12-27-2012, 02:49 PM   #61
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DesertGurl View Post
I can relate to the picture thing SO well. I am the oldest of 4 girls...while we are rather spread out in age, that girly competition thing still doesn't fade and of course through everything i've always compared myself to them... I have always been the biggest one. The one sis who is right under me is overweight and the 2 youngest are thin..especially my 30 yo sister..like, perfect thin.. Anyways, the 1 sis who is heavy also, we would go visit and I'd see her and think, wow she's gained alot (I have lived far away from home for years) since I last saw her..thinking that I wasn't *that* big... UM, WRONG! Pictures would be taken, and once again I would be mortified at how large I looked when I always would be feelin pretty darn good about myself. Now I am estranged from my family going on several years now so I have no idea what she looks like, nor do I have to worry about being the biggest sister anymore ..... but yeah, I dread pictures but having kids I suck it up and make sure to take them, espeically with my kiddos because I do not want them missing out on visual history of our family, KWIM? It's hard though!
First of all, let me say that I'm sorry you are estranged from your family. I know despite the reasons, it's still difficult. I considered "divorcing" myself from my family a few months ago, due to many reasons and I know how painful it is. I was never the biggest sister, in fact, one of my other sisters always was and she struggled with her weight throughout our childhood. Now she is at least 60 lbs lighter than I am and tells me, " I know you're depressed and that's why you're so heavy." I was always the glamorous one of the family, lol, and they started to expect me to always look so good, so it was a huge and major thing when I started to gain (and gain)....anyway, I just wanted you to know that I understand and we will get through this together!
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Old 12-27-2012, 03:51 PM   #62
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Thanks Jaymar

My attitude comes from being very close to having to take medicine for conditions caused by a unhealthy lifestyle. I didn't want to be on RX so I worked to do my best to change it. I know there are some doctors out there who see bs numbers creeping up and want to slap you on metformin or something like it. And there are some who explain that by getting off the carbs, your numbers can come down. There is a well known doctor, Mary Kennedy, who I looked up when this became an issue for me. I learned that she put her patients on very low carb diets and even with A1c over 10 these people who stuck with it got their numbers down to a healthy level. It is possible. We live in a prescription crazy society where there is a pill for everything. And the ones who want to take the pills and eat the carbs, well good luck. Unless you make some dietary changes, high blood sugar will probably still be an issue, for most. I choose to skip the processed food and high carb stuff. Its worked for me. And sounds like for you too! I know there are a lot of people who have to take medications and I understand that. In my situation it wasn't the only choice.
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Old 12-27-2012, 09:11 PM   #63
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I think for sure that learning all we can about how our own body works is a very big part of having success in losing weight...it seems to me that a lot of people who influence our health choices are kind of stuck in a mind set that does not promote that self examination and exploration....so by people telling me for years that LC was unhealthy, I believed it...it took a long time to make a connection to my own problems...then , after doing juddd about a month , I came to the conclusion that I was probably gluten intolerant..so I had to ask..well...ah..if some people can't tolerate gluten, wouldn't they have problems about losing weight also?..just another connection for me, and taking it out seems to have given a boost to losing....We are all so different, even physiologically..and yet..seems like so many people want to push the "healthy grain" mind set on us..I just say that there is no one size fits all where our own bodies are concerned..it's a learning process, and probably a healing process.so I wish everyone the best on the journey to where you want to be..I've been shamed and blamed for not being able to lose weight, it's sad that with so much information available today that people involved in helping someone like me, cannot have a more open mind..but I do think that's the case..over the years I ruined my metabolism trying to starve, because I was told that was the way...well, I don't think it is..and judging by the success people are having here, I think helping the body to heal from all the deprivation, in a way that it will respond to, is the way I'm choosing...back on potato day tomorrow..can't wait for the magic to kick in after this holiday week.
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Old 12-27-2012, 09:21 PM   #64
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Jaymar! Isn't JUDDD wonderful how it helps you learn so much about yourself and is so flexible we can do what we need to so that it works for each of us.

I know now that when I was just LCing I was eating too much. It just wasn't good for my body and that is why I stalled. I will always eat mostly LC, i feel good eating HFLC, but with JUDDD I can have a cookie or a piece of bread on an UD and still stick with the plan.

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Old 12-28-2012, 08:37 AM   #65
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First of all, let me say that I'm sorry you are estranged from your family. I know despite the reasons, it's still difficult. I considered "divorcing" myself from my family a few months ago, due to many reasons and I know how painful it is. I was never the biggest sister, in fact, one of my other sisters always was and she struggled with her weight throughout our childhood. Now she is at least 60 lbs lighter than I am and tells me, " I know you're depressed and that's why you're so heavy." I was always the glamorous one of the family, lol, and they started to expect me to always look so good, so it was a huge and major thing when I started to gain (and gain)....anyway, I just wanted you to know that I understand and we will get through this together!
Cindy, thank you. It's been a rough coupla years to say the least. It was a decision that had to be made just for the realization that I could no longer deal with their toxicity. Out of the 3 sisters, the baby (she's 20yrs younger than me and has no real play in any of this) is the only one I speak to. The other 2 are all about avoiding confrontation and sweeping everything under the rug, let's pretend nothing is wrong. They'd rather ignore the problems despite how things make them feel because that's how we were raised.... our parents never dealt with anything, would get angry for things but not discuss the back issues or reasons for anger, etc.. Wasn't until a couple years ago my dh and I nearly divorced and then reconciled that I finally "got it" and realized the poison that they'd been spreading and saw just how exhausted I was from trying to hold all of them up. I was done. The sad part, my parents have not once tried to contact me to say hey we know we f*ed up can we try and fix this..nothing. And the 2 sisters, well, they've just gone along their merry way, one of them accusing me of not caring about my nieces and cut me off completely from them.. they were 2,3 and 5 when I last saw them and it breaks my heart. Their mom has accused me of being "stupid, a moron, and useless".... it goes on and on... The more time went on and things came out I realized I made the right choice. I no longer have my mother's negativity playing in the back of my head, and I no longer mourn the fact that my dad was absent my entire life except when I was getting in trouble with my mother.. .. it all worked out for the better, but still hard. Unfortunately, these people are small-minded enough to carry this over to my children... my daughter's spoke their peace about how they thought it not fair what they were doing to their mom, they talked intelligently and thoughtfully..(they were 14 &16 at the time..)..my parents never even bothered to communicate & the sisters told them they were too young to understand and to stay out of things they did not get.. Yeah! I've had to realize that family is what you make it and not relegated to relatives.
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Old 12-28-2012, 08:43 AM   #66
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Cindy, thank you. It's been a rough coupla years to say the least. It was a decision that had to be made just for the realization that I could no longer deal with their toxicity. Out of the 3 sisters, the baby (she's 20yrs younger than me and has no real play in any of this) is the only one I speak to. The other 2 are all about avoiding confrontation and sweeping everything under the rug, let's pretend nothing is wrong. They'd rather ignore the problems despite how things make them feel because that's how we were raised.... our parents never dealt with anything, would get angry for things but not discuss the back issues or reasons for anger, etc.. Wasn't until a couple years ago my dh and I nearly divorced and then reconciled that I finally "got it" and realized the poison that they'd been spreading and saw just how exhausted I was from trying to hold all of them up. I was done. The sad part, my parents have not once tried to contact me to say hey we know we f*ed up can we try and fix this..nothing. And the 2 sisters, well, they've just gone along their merry way, one of them accusing me of not caring about my nieces and cut me off completely from them.. they were 2,3 and 5 when I last saw them and it breaks my heart. Their mom has accused me of being "stupid, a moron, and useless".... it goes on and on... The more time went on and things came out I realized I made the right choice. I no longer have my mother's negativity playing in the back of my head, and I no longer mourn the fact that my dad was absent my entire life except when I was getting in trouble with my mother.. .. it all worked out for the better, but still hard. Unfortunately, these people are small-minded enough to carry this over to my children... my daughter's spoke their peace about how they thought it not fair what they were doing to their mom, they talked intelligently and thoughtfully..(they were 14 &16 at the time..)..my parents never even bothered to communicate & the sisters told them they were too young to understand and to stay out of things they did not get.. Yeah! I've had to realize that family is what you make it and not relegated to relatives.
Breaks my heart all the way around. I'm so sorry you & your kids have had to go through this. Even though it's "better" to cut off family sometimes, it still isn't easy and is full of pain. I've watched my Dh & his family go through this with one of his sisters. Heartwrenching. (but life is filled with much less drama as a result)
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Old 12-28-2012, 09:05 AM   #67
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Breaks my heart all the way around. I'm so sorry you & your kids have had to go through this. Even though it's "better" to cut off family sometimes, it still isn't easy and is full of pain. I've watched my Dh & his family go through this with one of his sisters. Heartwrenching. (but life is filled with much less drama as a result)
You said a mouthful there! ^^^^ that would be in regards to my MIL and SIL. I cut out both of them probably over 10 years ago..I finally had enough of their twisted psychotic b.s. DH finally saw too after some time exactly what I was talking about. My family tried to use my impending divorce..or the "getting back together" as the *reason* to all of a sudden get nasty when we were there for a visit 2 years ago..during New Years... but after therapy (lots of it!) I learned that it was only a symptom of issues they have had with me for probably forever.. I've always been sorta the black sheep of the family..I refused to conform, marched to my own drummer, and was ALWAYS in trouble..but then, when you're being told what a rotten human being you are no matter what you do, the idea of trouble kinda just follows.. I was always asking them questions as to why they said certain things to me, why they were mad, why I got treated the way I did at times, etc.. it just infuriated my mom. The other 3 girls all just shut up and never asked questions and let my parents do whatever... I was always the one pushing the envelop wanting them to own their comments, decisions, etc..
So when this huge fight went down (this new year's eve will be 3 years) ..and I mean HUGE... it was a culmination of all of those years I think.. I was just done. Funnily, my mom chose to pick a fight with my husband, to which he just sat there and refused to play into her moodswings and nasty, snarky comments.. that pissed her off even more.. I stepped in and told her to knock it off and everyhting exploded in a split second.. then the one sister..who's the next oldest..she proceeded to tell me how dumb I was for staying with my husband, and how stupid I was, etc...all in front of my kids.. my son wasn't in the room so he missed everything, but my girls saw it all..and this is the stuff they tried calling her on and she still refuses to budge on it and saying that these things needed to be finally said.. Really????? My husband had to drag me out of the room, I was ready to knock her out.

One thing about letting go of them, I've finally been able to let go of a lifetime of issues with my weight.. spending all those years with a mother who was obsessed with weight and body image...someone who struggled to be thin and basically did whatever it took to stay skinny...I saw her do everything.. all the while using me as her punching bag..and then feeding me junk food and french fries.. ridiculousness!!

Anyways, yeah, this time of year kinda gets to me.. Sorry Cindy for hijacking the thread!
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Old 12-28-2012, 09:12 AM   #68
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My father died in Sept. 2010, and my mom had to go to a nursing home in 2011. Since then we have kept their house and meet there for family gatherings, but it is empty. Last summer I asked my brother about getting the riding lawnmower that is stored in the shed (at my parents house), because the one I had quit working completely over two years ago and mowing the back lawn with a push mower is tedious, to say the least...I am the only one of my siblings who needed it, as the rest of them are somewhat to very much more financially stable than I am...anyway, he never contacted me back, so after several days of no answer I called him and he said the rest of the family had issues with me having it (the lawnmower). I said, Billy, I am really tired of you treating me differently only because I am the youngest you feel like you can talk down to me, etc. (obviously the conversation was a bit more detailed on his part and mine)...so out of spite he started emailing me every correspondence related to my question about the lawnmower, from the rest of the family as they had responded to each other (with my email not included), thinking I'd never see what they said. It was devastating...I was accused of never being satisfied and that I would always "want" something, and that they needed to take a stand (???, against me, their baby sister). One of my sisters even accused me of taking advantage of my mother. It has taken a few months and one, so far, family gathering (at Thanksgiving) to talk to any of them again, and our relationship will never be the same... I hated going to family events for years now because of the whispering, etc. about my weight, but this took the cake. For now, my mother brings us all together (and our relationship, my mom's and mine is very good), but I'm not sure what the future will bring.
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Old 12-28-2012, 09:13 AM   #69
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Wow Danielle! That is a shocking story, and I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. It does sound very conflicting, but smart of you to cut it all off and allow your life to be calm. It amazes me that the people who are supposed to love you no matter what can be the cruelest. My immediate family (Mom, Dad, brother) and I had such a wonderful life together. Nothing but love and support (oh, we fought. No yelling, but silent treatments were our coping tool) but nothing hurtful or long-lasting. I think it's one of the reasons I've stayed single. I've never found a guy who could offer that same calm, loving, supportive way in the long-term. And I've refused to settle.
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Old 12-28-2012, 09:27 AM   #70
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You said a mouthful there! ^^^^ that would be in regards to my MIL and SIL. I cut out both of them probably over 10 years ago..I finally had enough of their twisted psychotic b.s. DH finally saw too after some time exactly what I was talking about. My family tried to use my impending divorce..or the "getting back together" as the *reason* to all of a sudden get nasty when we were there for a visit 2 years ago..during New Years... but after therapy (lots of it!) I learned that it was only a symptom of issues they have had with me for probably forever.. I've always been sorta the black sheep of the family..I refused to conform, marched to my own drummer, and was ALWAYS in trouble..but then, when you're being told what a rotten human being you are no matter what you do, the idea of trouble kinda just follows.. I was always asking them questions as to why they said certain things to me, why they were mad, why I got treated the way I did at times, etc.. it just infuriated my mom. The other 3 girls all just shut up and never asked questions and let my parents do whatever... I was always the one pushing the envelop wanting them to own their comments, decisions, etc..
So when this huge fight went down (this new year's eve will be 3 years) ..and I mean HUGE... it was a culmination of all of those years I think.. I was just done. Funnily, my mom chose to pick a fight with my husband, to which he just sat there and refused to play into her moodswings and nasty, snarky comments.. that pissed her off even more.. I stepped in and told her to knock it off and everyhting exploded in a split second.. then the one sister..who's the next oldest..she proceeded to tell me how dumb I was for staying with my husband, and how stupid I was, etc...all in front of my kids.. my son wasn't in the room so he missed everything, but my girls saw it all..and this is the stuff they tried calling her on and she still refuses to budge on it and saying that these things needed to be finally said.. Really????? My husband had to drag me out of the room, I was ready to knock her out.

One thing about letting go of them, I've finally been able to let go of a lifetime of issues with my weight.. spending all those years with a mother who was obsessed with weight and body image...someone who struggled to be thin and basically did whatever it took to stay skinny...I saw her do everything.. all the while using me as her punching bag..and then feeding me junk food and french fries.. ridiculousness!!

Anyways, yeah, this time of year kinda gets to me.. Sorry Cindy for hijacking the thread!
Your issues sound similar to mine, Danielle. Isn't it terrible how the ones who are supposed to love us the most are often the ones who hurt us the most? My sister who is closest in age to me, who was the most outspoken against me earlier this year (which devasted me, because I thought she would stand up for me), sent me the nastiest, most horrible texts after the incident I mentioned, saying that she hadn't even wanted me at her annual xmas eve party for years now but didn't have the heart to tell me not to come. She said, Cindy, you have terrible problems and issues and everyone in the family talks about you all the time. She said, I'M HAPPY WITH MY LIFE, AND I WORK ON IT ALL THE TIME, etc., etc. about how stable her life is/was. Now, in November, out of the BLUE, she announced that she had met someone from work and was getting married. She moved out of her house that she recently had built with her partner of 14 years, moved in with this man and married him two weeks later. Who's happy and so content with their life???
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Old 12-28-2012, 09:50 AM   #71
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Wow! People never fail to amaze and disappoint.
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Old 12-28-2012, 09:57 AM   #72
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Oooh Danielle & Cindy, my heart breaks for you both. To say I'm sorry is just such an understatement. Huge hugs to you both! You are both very strong to put yourselves first and separate from situations that are bringing you nothing but heartache and pain. I just don't understand why siblings (or anyone, for that matter, but especially family!) have to backstab, criticize and belittle others like they can. As I've mentioned, my Dh's family can be the same way. (for ex: when FIL died, one SIL, the one that we see no more, tried to hit the other SIL with her car after getting upset while picking out pictures for the funeral home..all in front of my small children) It's hard enough to witness from the outside (I'm the only 'outlaw' left in his family, understandably so, if you ask me!). I don't have siblings that are close, I'm the oldest with 2 younger brothers, both still single. One has a drug problem and lives far away. My baby brother was just dx with schizophrenia a few years ago at the age of 30. So, my family has different issues and maybe that's why I look at stories like my Dh's and your families and it makes me even more sad. Life is so fragile and short. I wish I could give you both enormous IRL hugs!!!! Please do know you have friends that care and will always listen, though. <muah>
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Old 12-28-2012, 10:01 AM   #73
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Cindy~ Lady, you know I commiserate. Isn't it devastating to realize that the people whom you think have loved you unconditionally don't. Makes me SO sad. Kills me to think of alllll the years gone by and all this time they have always thought this things about me and have talked about me insessantly behind my back for always. I hope that your family is able to come together and make ammends so that there can be healing. If not though, you are a strong woman who can forge ahead and be perfectly alright. I think that right there is something that angers my family, that I didn't fall down in a heap and become incapable..if anything all of this made me so much stronger.

LCG~yeah I never woulda believed it had I not been in it. There is no going back for us because not a one of them will ever own their behavior or are willing to change. I'm ok with that, I've made my peace and accepted that our family life will always be this way. My mom has some huge deep-seated resentments towards be because she sees me as ruining her dreams to pursuing a medical career... yes, I know, totally stupid and invalid and inexcusable... as a child however, it's hard to understand wth all the anger, mental/emotional abuse was about...kwim? I think ya might be surprised at finding someone who can take care of YOU. You know what you want and trust me, many men will appreciate that you KNOW what you want. It may come along when you least expect it!
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Old 12-28-2012, 10:05 AM   #74
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I think ya might be surprised at finding someone who can take care of YOU. You know what you want and trust me, many men will appreciate that you KNOW what you want. It may come along when you least expect it!
That is a wonderful thought and one I hold onto. That HE is still out there and we'll find each other. And with losing this weight, I'll be more open to him, and he will be more likely to notice me.
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Old 12-28-2012, 10:12 AM   #75
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Originally Posted by Librarygirl View Post
Your issues sound similar to mine, Danielle. Isn't it terrible how the ones who are supposed to love us the most are often the ones who hurt us the most? My sister who is closest in age to me, who was the most outspoken against me earlier this year (which devasted me, because I thought she would stand up for me), sent me the nastiest, most horrible texts after the incident I mentioned, saying that she hadn't even wanted me at her annual xmas eve party for years now but didn't have the heart to tell me not to come. She said, Cindy, you have terrible problems and issues and everyone in the family talks about you all the time. She said, I'M HAPPY WITH MY LIFE, AND I WORK ON IT ALL THE TIME, etc., etc. about how stable her life is/was. Now, in November, out of the BLUE, she announced that she had met someone from work and was getting married. She moved out of her house that she recently had built with her partner of 14 years, moved in with this man and married him two weeks later. Who's happy and so content with their life???
Lord have mercy! Here I thought I was the only one with kooks for siblings! The one sister who said the nasty things...sister #2..she tried contacting me last new years eve on the guise of letting me know of our dad's health issues.. while my other sister..#4 was already keeping me informed (he has cancer).. and then when I told #2 not to contact me anymore she blew up in emails about how she missed me, wanted things back, etc.. all the while trying to berrate me for my behavior the year before at our parents house when the fight went down.. Ummmm, NO! So as usual, her way of solving everything is to pretend it didn't happen and move on... story of my life and I'm over it. I've NEVER been that person and why would I do it now?! She had the audacity to feign offense at my shutting her down Inadvertently...after the new year some stuff ended up on facebook on sister #3's wall from #2..something snarky and rude about me...well, while *I* was not friends with either on there anymore...my girls were! Both saw it and were devastated that the aunt whom they had looked up to and held on a pedastal proved to them some more just how conniving, manipulative, and backstabbing she really was. Mind you, my kids are all at an age to decide whether to have a relationship with them...I made absolutely zero demands from them, it was up to them, etc.. so you can imagine how hard it was for the girls to see that things were not as they seemed... my son still does talk to all of them because he's stayed out of everything...kinda awkward but I won't begrudge him that if they treat him with respect and keep negativity out of it! Of course they talk to him because he isn't making them own their behavior! OH, and sister #3....STILL have not spoken one word to her in nearly 3 years....she misssed the entire debacle/blowout, had headed back to her house a few hours away..a day after we got home from it she emailed me a short paragraph stating she had heard what happened and was now willing to hear my side of the story... What. The. Heck?????????????? She sounded like the Godfather or something Needless to say, I never responded and to this day, not a word from her to where she has just jumped on the bandwagon and sat and gossipped and talked about me to her hearts content.. and abandoned my daughter's for no reason whatsover.. HER LOSS!

Last edited by DesertGurl; 12-28-2012 at 10:17 AM..
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Old 12-28-2012, 10:26 AM   #76
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Oh, and Cindy, dontcha just love how they can sit in their ivory towers looking down on the rest of us as if they all have the perfect lives and do everything perfectly..:*yawn*... I told mine to come out of her tower and come live like the rest of us..and all she kept repeating was how she and her husband worked hard for everything they had and she would not apologize for having money (he's a lawyer)... Uhhhh, ok??? but that ISN'T what I was referring to you dumb ninny...but thanks for reitterating just how materialistic you are!
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Old 12-28-2012, 10:48 AM   #77
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Sending lots of love.
Family can be... well, let's just say... they really know how to push our bottons and some family members are just not good for our health.
At the end of the day we have to live our lives the best way we can and sometimes that means doing so in the absence of certain people...
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Old 12-28-2012, 11:47 AM   #78
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Oh, and Cindy, dontcha just love how they can sit in their ivory towers looking down on the rest of us as if they all have the perfect lives and do everything perfectly..:*yawn*... I told mine to come out of her tower and come live like the rest of us..and all she kept repeating was how she and her husband worked hard for everything they had and she would not apologize for having money (he's a lawyer)... Uhhhh, ok??? but that ISN'T what I was referring to you dumb ninny...but thanks for reitterating just how materialistic you are!
Two of my brothers and one of my sisters never said anything bad about me, and seemed supportive. At least I don't have *all* of the family against me. Of course, I don't know what goes on behind my back, but I choose to let things go for now. I agree with Carly, it's unfortunate (to put it mildly) that family can be so awful sometimes, and sometimes we have to make our own way without them.
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Old 12-28-2012, 12:19 PM   #79
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I finally just had to acknowledge that my family was not going to contain relatives and really, who says that's how it had to be?... Family is what you make it and I love the lil one that I have strung together. My therapist at the time told me flat out that a family intact is not the norm these days and that I needed to let go of the ideology of what traditional family is, that it's what I make it. I am no longer a target or a punching bag anymore and that's all I care about. Far as I'm concerned, they're missing out on the better version of me. The obstacles I've had to overcome have made me stronger, better, and hungry for life.

Thanks for the free therapy, girls
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Old 12-28-2012, 02:03 PM   #80
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Cindy, thank you. It's been a rough coupla years to say the least. It was a decision that had to be made just for the realization that I could no longer deal with their toxicity. Out of the 3 sisters, the baby (she's 20yrs younger than me and has no real play in any of this) is the only one I speak to. The other 2 are all about avoiding confrontation and sweeping everything under the rug, let's pretend nothing is wrong. They'd rather ignore the problems despite how things make them feel because that's how we were raised.... our parents never dealt with anything, would get angry for things but not discuss the back issues or reasons for anger, etc.. Wasn't until a couple years ago my dh and I nearly divorced and then reconciled that I finally "got it" and realized the poison that they'd been spreading and saw just how exhausted I was from trying to hold all of them up. I was done. The sad part, my parents have not once tried to contact me to say hey we know we f*ed up can we try and fix this..nothing. And the 2 sisters, well, they've just gone along their merry way, one of them accusing me of not caring about my nieces and cut me off completely from them.. they were 2,3 and 5 when I last saw them and it breaks my heart. Their mom has accused me of being "stupid, a moron, and useless".... it goes on and on... The more time went on and things came out I realized I made the right choice. I no longer have my mother's negativity playing in the back of my head, and I no longer mourn the fact that my dad was absent my entire life except when I was getting in trouble with my mother.. .. it all worked out for the better, but still hard. Unfortunately, these people are small-minded enough to carry this over to my children... my daughter's spoke their peace about how they thought it not fair what they were doing to their mom, they talked intelligently and thoughtfully..(they were 14 &16 at the time..)..my parents never even bothered to communicate & the sisters told them they were too young to understand and to stay out of things they did not get.. Yeah! I've had to realize that family is what you make it and not relegated to relatives.
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Old 12-28-2012, 02:28 PM   #81
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I absolutely feel for you all, and agree that if somebody is toxic in your life, there's no reason for them to remain there, family or not. When my mother was still alive, I maintained minimal contact with my father. Now that she's gone (nearly 8 years now), I've only seen him a handful of times, and then only for Keira's birthday or Christmas. If it weren't for her, I'd never see him at all. To be fair, he's good to her, and that's the only reason he's allowed to be in her life at all. He lives about 30 miles away, and we haven't seen him for over a year though, so I guess it's not all that important to him to see her anyway. I won't go into all the gory details about why he's toxic to me, but just as an illustration of how our relationship goes: When my mom died, Keira was only 10 weeks old. My home phone rang while I was feeding her, and I didn't want to stop what I was doing to answer the phone, so I let the machine pick up. Here's the message he left. "This is Bruce (not Dad or anything). I just thought I should let you know your mother's dead." That's it. No explanation, no condolences, nothing.

No reason to have those types of people around.
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Old 12-28-2012, 04:23 PM   #82
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Dawn, that's awful. Wow, what we all have gone through. Thank God, we have each other is all I can think to say. It's a wonder we're only overweight and not trying to buy drugs on the streets.
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Old 12-28-2012, 04:39 PM   #83
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Dawn, wow We have all gone through something at some time or another.

For me, food was my drug.. I started to binge (badly) in high school to drown out the conversations (with my mom re: weight, etc) in my head that went round & round.. this carried on through my adult years well into my marriage..something I hid from my husband for years..until he caught me one time.. Wasn't until a few years ago I was ready to leave the bingeing behind and I correlate it to leaving the toxicity behind. We all do what we need to to survive, and when we're ready we embrace change and take different chances to make our lives better.
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Old 12-28-2012, 10:25 PM   #84
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Oh Dawn, what a sad story. And I know it's just one of many. Much much of my extended family is truly messed up, and there are some who I don't care if I ever see or hear from again. But luckily my closest family is wonderful. Hearing your stories, all of you, has given me yet another opportunity to be grateful for what I have.
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Old 12-29-2012, 04:36 AM   #85
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This is a truly brilliant and very moving thread. Wow. So much to think about.
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Old 12-29-2012, 07:23 AM   #86
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OH Dawn. I'm actually speechless.
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Old 12-29-2012, 08:13 AM   #87
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With time I have come to see that my family does the best they can and truly can't help some of the things they do or say and that is sad, but I have learned I can love them for who they are and take them in small doses only so often. I have put a stop to certain activities that continued to make me feel badly about myself. I also have set limits and boundaries with DW's family- they are bad for my health most of the time. We have each other and really treasure that!
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Old 12-29-2012, 08:25 AM   #88
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Oooh Danielle & Cindy, my heart breaks for you both. To say I'm sorry is just such an understatement. Huge hugs to you both! You are both very strong to put yourselves first and separate from situations that are bringing you nothing but heartache and pain. I just don't understand why siblings (or anyone, for that matter, but especially family!) have to backstab, criticize and belittle others like they can. As I've mentioned, my Dh's family can be the same way. (for ex: when FIL died, one SIL, the one that we see no more, tried to hit the other SIL with her car after getting upset while picking out pictures for the funeral home..all in front of my small children) It's hard enough to witness from the outside (I'm the only 'outlaw' left in his family, understandably so, if you ask me!). I don't have siblings that are close, I'm the oldest with 2 younger brothers, both still single. One has a drug problem and lives far away. My baby brother was just dx with schizophrenia a few years ago at the age of 30. So, my family has different issues and maybe that's why I look at stories like my Dh's and your families and it makes me even more sad. Life is so fragile and short. I wish I could give you both enormous IRL hugs!!!! Please do know you have friends that care and will always listen, though. <muah>
Melinda, you've had a lot to deal with too. I cannot imagine your children witnessing such a thing!! Your story just goes to reflect some of ours and emphasizes that relatives are not necessarily friends, nor people who love you. I'm sorry about your brothers too.
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Old 12-29-2012, 08:33 AM   #89
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With time I have come to see that my family does the best they can and truly can't help some of the things they do or say and that is sad, but I have learned I can love them for who they are and take them in small doses only so often. I have put a stop to certain activities that continued to make me feel badly about myself. I also have set limits and boundaries with DW's family- they are bad for my health most of the time. We have each other and really treasure that!
Love this!

Also big ol' hugs to everyone.
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