No idea what to do

[Rainypep]

So I discovered JUDDD a year ago when my 2nd child was about 5 weeks old, and committed to try it at that time while breastfeeding, I only made it about a week and have been in a strange overeating, beating myself up, postpartum depression and recovery cycle ever since. I lost about 90 pounds and maintained for about 15 months before my first child and after him I hung on to about 15 pounds until I got pregnant again.

after my second I actually ended up 5 pounds down from where I was pre- pregnancy with him. But then I just went off the rails. I have been eating and beating myself ever since. I have gained about 20 pounds back. I am finally feeling better depression wise and have successfully stopped Zoloft without any repercussions. But I just can't get any eating plan together. I have been a little chubby/robust all my life. And I have never been an easy loser, but I know that if I can stick with a plan, it will work. I just can't seem to stick to a plan.

I am still nursing my 13 month old 3 times a day, but it isn't his main source of nutrition, so I am still abit hungrier than I would probably be without that but I figure I won't wean him for about 5 more months. (nursed my firstborn until about 18 months as well). I just don't know what made the difference before that allowed me to do so well, and why I'm in such epic failure mode now.
Insight? Thoughts? Encouragement? I feel as though I almost need a daily phone or email buddy to check in with or something. I am tired of burning my husband out with my woes, I am tired of being fat, I am sick of beating myself up and yet I just don't change.

Sorry for the woeful tale. Just needed to get it out somewhere.

[Mssarge]

Sorry I can't be of help except to be a shoulder on which to talk...please stick around, we have several who have experienced what you're going through....the depression and dealing with losing while breast feeding. And that's what this forum is all about, helping each other through the good and bad times...

[Rainypep]

thanks for the support, needed that. My plan is to try and stick around and hopefully that will make the difference

[Kissa]

Exactly, to begin simply become a JUDDD BUDDD again. As you read all the successes , the concerns, the queries etc, I am sure it will inspire you to start JUDDD again.

But you don't have to until you feel ready. And when you do you know that you will have all the support you could possibly wish for right here on this forum.

Be kind to yourself, you have been in a difficult place and are still coping with 2 tinies and all that that entails. 20lbs is not a lot and once you feel ready to recommit I am sure you will see the losses you want and enjoy the lovely way that JUDDD seems to resculpt our bodies.

Join in the October chat and newbie threads. Have a look at some of the other popular threads. Don't be a stranger. When you are ready we will all be here to help.

[gotsomeold]

Originally Posted by Rainypep

I just don't know what made the difference before that allowed me to do so well, and why I'm in such epic failure mode now.

It's called postpartum hormones. Sometimes baby-making goes smoothly and sometimes it seems to be smooth but those little internal regulators are secretly going bats wing. Sometimes, not so secretly as your DH probably knows.

Stop beating yourself up. Pregnancy hormones are not something you can control!

Further ... and I am 100% behind nursing baby as long as seems right to you and baby ... but, furthermore, while you are keeping yourself in milk-producing mode, you are telling your body it is not yet time to return to ground zero norm. So, internal regulation has not yet resumed normal levels.

We know you are stabilizing. Getting off Zoloft is a great sign!

Spend time here. Read, ask questions, answer questions, join the club, plan and prepare.

You are in a very special time. Stop flogging yourself because you can't do everything at once. Take care of two children. When the time is right that excess weight is going to go. And we are going to be here to help you evict it.

Know you are beautiful right now.

You really are. When negative thoughts creep in, tell yourself that is just your hormones talking (and hormones usually shout), and try to replace them with something positive. Stop obsessing about "why can't I... why don't I...". Look at the all the wonderful things you are doing!

[sterlinggirl]

Hang in there kiddo.. you body is still not your own..

[Rainypep]

Thanks everyone for the kind words. In my mind I know that I am doing the most important job, enjoying these short years with the babies, but it doesn't always feel that way inside. I do love them more than anything.

[cici52]

Can't help in the advise area. Just wanted to give my support.

[LoCarbGal]

You're getting the best advice from the pros here, Rainypep. I can't offer advice on this, but I can lend a shoulder.

I do agree that just taking part in the conversations here, learning, asking questions, is a great start. I read and lurked for several weeks before I joined and posted, and another couple before I actually started doing JUDDD. Stick with us, and when you're ready to start JUDDDing, you'll know it.

[zipp2play]

Start easy. Maybe just try to do maintenance levels. See how that feels. You can do this, let us all help!

[Flossyliz]

What a beautiful thread!
You are not alone Rainypep. Be gentle with yourself and enjoy your babies.

[piratejenny]

why I'm in such epic failure mode now

Okay, first of all--you are NOT in failure mode. No human being is a "failure" based solely on their weight or eating habits.

Second--why did you want to stop the Zoloft? Do you think there's any chance that being on an anti-depressant (a different one, if necessary) would help you stick to an eating plan?

This is just my opinion, but I think I am more likely to take better care of myself when I feel good about, even proud of, myself; and less likely when I feel ashamed. If I were to go off my anti-depressant, I would soon start feeling worthless. (Don't mean to project any of my issues; this is just my experience.)

I am sick of beating myself up and yet I just don't change.

Sweetie, you say you are better "depression wise" but this sounds like depression to me (and I spent about 25 years wanting to kill myself--I know from depression!!!<--in Yiddish accent, please. ).

I know it's a difficult cycle--maybe you think that if you lose weight, you'll feel better about yourself, and then you'll be motivated to lose more weight. But maybe you need to feel better first, and the energy/motivation will follow. And maybe medication isn't the answer for you...but it may be something outside of yourself--vitamins, nutrition, a fitness pal (as you mention).

Check in here often! Good luck, honey!!!

[Rainypep]

thanks for the kind words everyone. PirateJenny, I had only been on zoloft for about 10 months just for postparum depression and even at the time that I started it my psychiatrist wasn't even sure he thought I totally needed it. It was serious grey area. At the time when I weaned off I was feeling the side effects outweighed the benefits I was feeling. I haven't really been all that depressed or anxious since, I guess the only really issue at this point might be slightly fixated on weight loss, and feeling bad about that part of myself. I no longer have that feeling of wanting to sleep excessively or no energy or difficulty concentrating and I was having fairly annoying load of side effects even at the lowest clinical dose.
I think some of the issues I was having anxiety/depression wise were pretty understandable and even my psychiatrist felt my response was legitimate to the fact that life has been coming pretty hard and fast for the last 2.5 years, lots and lots of change and things out of our control.
I do appreciate the input from someone who has been there, very nice to hear positivity and genuine concern, thank you for that. Time will tell I suppose

[piratejenny]

I was having fairly annoying load of side effects even at the lowest clinical dose.

Oh...yuck!!! I hope you are feeling much better, except for the weight loss issue!

One thing I took a few years ago, that is a mild mood-booster, is called SAM-e.
Talked about it & a couple other supplements in these threads:
st johns wort
adding new supplements like 5htp