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-   -   How do you explain JUDDD to others? (http://www.lowcarbfriends.com/bbs/juddd/766035-how-do-you-explain-juddd-others.html)

sorenkkg 04-02-2012 09:51 PM

How do you explain JUDDD to others?
 
Ok, this is a weird one-- bear with me:

I know I'm an adult and what I do and eat is no one's business except my own (and maybe DH b/c I live with him and he's awesome and supportive).

Now, I love my mother, don't get me wrong, but... there's a reason I'm ok living 6hr drive away from her in another province! :annoyed:

So, the end of this week, I'm driving to Montreal to visit the family (my mom and my step-dad, and my cousins who are hosting the Seder dinner, some friends who still live there).
I've timed the big family meal to be an UD, so no real issues there. Sunday when I see my friends probably, another UD.

But the night I arrive, and the saturday and Monday (when I may leave, or leave on Tuesday an UD) are all DDs. I'm bringing shakes and some provisions with me for sure.

HERE's the question:

my mother is sort of a trigger for me in a lot of ways. I've learned to deal with her better over the years (she does NOT change, so let's not go there).

but there's no way she's not going to notice my DD's.

If I tell her about this, it can go 2 ways:

1) she says, huh, that's interesting, how's it going for you... you know, I do that too, I sometimes eat more on some days and less on others. I invented it actually.
(this was basically her reaction to my LC conversion-- telling me about the drinking man's diet, etc, how she only eats broccoli and salad, and tuna most of the time, and she totally understands LC, etc).Her way of being supportive I suppose.

2) she tells me this is stupid and makes no sense and why do I do these crazy things that OBVIOUSLY don't work b/c I've been on LC for 8+ years and haven't kept the weight off.
Why can't I just be like her and eat XYZ and be normal? She's said this type of stuff too, when she's NOT feeling supportive.

My mother is VERY smart, but not very self-analysing. Not hugely empathetic either.

She's also completely physically different from me. If I didn't have her eyes, and she with her Caesarian scar, I'd think I was adopted.
I take after my dad's family 100%.

So my mom is 5'0 tall (maybe 4'11 with osteo), fit like crazy, eats whatever she wants, weighs maybe 120?

I'm almost 5'6", weigh 255 (say), and have been dealing with weight issues since I was 11.

Ok, there you have it-- recommendations on how I should play it, given that I'll be in her house for 4 days?

Huge thanks :)
Soren

annieS 04-03-2012 12:15 AM

ahhh... mums !
we all have issues I guess ;)
mine wouldn't notice a 10 lbs lost but does notice (and notices me) any 0.5 lbs gain...

if you really think she won't understand/support I guess if it was me I would just tell her I'm feeling nauseated on friday night as I arrive, that I can't eat a thing and on the other way around I would say on monday I had way to much to eat during the weekend and that all I can bear is letuce with broth...

Maybe you can wait for JUDDD to really really work on you (and that'll be soon ;)) and when she'll notice the obvious weight loss then explain her all about JUDDDD ! she won't be able to criticize this WOE then ;)

bonne fin de semaine à Montréal !

cammie 04-03-2012 12:17 AM

I'll be very interested in the responses, since I'm facing the same issue soon. I'm thinking if I add a second meal on Down Days (which I don't normally do) my parents mightn't notice too much as I do all the cooking when I'm there anyway.

That assumes I don't completely fall off the wagon which is what normally happens when I'm staying with them! All I can say is good luck with your visit. :hugs:

heyjupiter 04-03-2012 12:26 AM

I know what it's like dealing with a difficult mother!

I tend to get defensive when anyone criticizes my WOE. I just think "where were you when I was packing on the pounds?!?" For some reason, it's not ok to show concern when someone gains weight, but it's perfectly fine to criticize how someone is losing weight. Backwards, huh? Ok, so I'm off on a tangent here! My point is, don't do what I do... Getting defensive is never productive with these kinds of people. If your mom triggers you, sometimes something as simple as counting to ten will help you to respond in a more level headed sort of way rather than out of emotion. As for explaining things to her, is there any way you could get away with "oh, I'm just not that hungry today after eating so much yesterday" or something similar? I know you'll be there a number of days, so this may not work the whole time. But sometimes it's easier to not explain things to people simply because you know they'll never understand.

PixieKGirl 04-03-2012 04:38 AM

I would explain that you are VERY happy and content with this way of eating and that you'll "experiment" for a few months and make a final decision. If she thinks its "dangerous" , remind her that everyone fasted in the Old Testament including Moses.

My 16 year old son keeps telling me......just workout Mom. Who knew a 16 year old knows everything about nutrition?

Mimosa23 04-03-2012 04:52 AM

Difficult dilemma!

I would probably not mention too much, and when asked, stand your ground. Deep down you know your choices are just that: YOUR choices! What does your mother have to do with it?

The thing is: we cannot change the way other people react towards things. The only thing we can change is how we ourselves react towards things.

Your mother is going to respond how she's going to respond. Only you can decide how you deal with whatever she's going to say.

SoHappy 04-03-2012 05:07 AM

I told a woman about it from the standpoint that it was simply a diet, and it cut calories about as much as any other diet did, but that it didn't cut any calories at all on one day, and cut two day's worth of calories on the next day, and you just go back and forth like that.

I said that so many, many studies now have shown how this way of dieting is even better for us, and really easy because you're on the 'diet part' only half the time and the other half you're not dieting at all... AND, AND, AND... you could eat any foods you wanted to on this diet, so it was really fun as it was going along!

Dottie 04-03-2012 05:09 AM

"I eat 1200 calories a day, but it's split between 2 days". Most people tend to understand calorie counting, so that's worked so far.
Good luck with your mother, some people just make you shake your head.

sunday 04-03-2012 07:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SoHappy (Post 15550469)
I told a woman about it from the standpoint that it was simply a diet, and it cut calories about as much as any other diet did, but that it didn't cut any calories at all on one day, and cut two day's worth of calories on the next day, and you just go back and forth like that.

I said that so many, many studies now have shown how this way of dieting is even better for us, and really easy because you're on the 'diet part' only half the time and the other half you're not dieting at all... AND, AND, AND... you could eat any foods you wanted to on this diet, so it was really fun as it was going along!

:D Now this is exactly what I will say from now on! Said so well!!! :)

DD80 04-03-2012 07:44 AM

Every other day I'd "feel sick." :laugh: I have a difficult mother too.... I'd either do that, or I'd eat like one egg for breakfast and one piece of bacon...just saying that I ate too much the night before and wasn't that hungry. I'd eat a small lunch or no lunch, and then a small serving of whatever dinner they are having.

To "normal" people, I tell them that I calorie cycle.

babykinz 04-03-2012 08:17 AM

It would confuse me too, to see someone drinking diet shakes one day and then the next eating normally. Especially if normal is what people would consider non diet foods.

Personally I would play it light heartily and say something like.... Oh you know me Mom, I'll try anything once. or.... I really like the science behind this way of eating so I a giving it a shot.
Then, as the weight comes off let the pudding of proof speak for itself.

Enjoy your visit! :heart:

Beeb 04-03-2012 08:37 AM

"Every other day I eat less calories and on the other day I eat more" It's an average of (fill in the blank) and it works well for me to keep off the 30+ pounds I have lost since eating this way".

Usually a clear enough answer that questions are not asked. As far as your mom I have the same mother but 100% worse! :stars: I just don't tell her things anymore. Maybe on your DDs you can just say you "aren't that hungry" and just pick (doing the calories count in your head). She will ask what is wrong and you can say your stomach is a bit "off" one day and then think of another excuse the other DDs.

Sometimes with mothers like this we have to learn to pick our battles. Your choice of an eating plan is not her business and not a battle. It's your choice, plain and simple.

Or, you can just say what I say to my narcissistic mother who doesn't deserve my respect or understanding anymore to twist myself in a pretzel to not hurt her feelings when she never thinks about not wanting to hurt mine: "Don't want to talk about this, it's my life, my choices and not your business so let's change the subject".

DD80 04-03-2012 09:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beeb (Post 15551077)
"Every other day I eat less calories and on the other day I eat more" It's an average of (fill in the blank) and it works well for me to keep off the 30+ pounds I have lost since eating this way".

Usually a clear enough answer that questions are not asked. As far as your mom I have the same mother but 100% worse! :stars: I just don't tell her things anymore. Maybe on your DDs you can just say you "aren't that hungry" and just pick (doing the calories count in your head). She will ask what is wrong and you can say your stomach is a bit "off" one day and then think of another excuse the other DDs.

Sometimes with mothers like this we have to learn to pick our battles. Your choice of an eating plan is not her business and not a battle. It's your choice, plain and simple.

Or, you can just say what I say to my narcissistic mother who doesn't deserve my respect or understanding anymore to twist myself in a pretzel to not hurt her feelings when she never thinks about not wanting to hurt mine: "Don't want to talk about this, it's my life, my choices and not your business so let's change the subject".

I hate to say this, but it makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one with this type of mother. I spent so long idolizing her, loving her, and trying to not only not hurt her, but to make her happy. She was my best friend. I'm just starting to realize that I can't make her happy and everything I do (just living my life) seems to hurt her. She's not my friend (heck, she's been telling me that for years...guess I should have listened...) Man, it hurts. I feel so isolated in this issue and even though I feel sorry that you have the same issue, it makes me feel not so alone.

End t/j. Sorry guys.

Hatewashingup 04-03-2012 09:57 AM

I was hesitant to tell my parents as I knew they would worry about the down days. But I just explained it to them as calorie cycling and that I now diet only every other day.

My mum was actually quite shocked at how much I ate when I went round for dinner on an UD, lol.

Beeb 04-03-2012 09:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DD80 (Post 15551299)
I hate to say this, but it makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one with this type of mother. I spent so long idolizing her, loving her, and trying to not only not hurt her, but to make her happy. She was my best friend. I'm just starting to realize that I can't make her happy and everything I do (just living my life) seems to hurt her. She's not my friend (heck, she's been telling me that for years...guess I should have listened...) Man, it hurts. I feel so isolated in this issue and even though I feel sorry that you have the same issue, it makes me feel not so alone.

End t/j. Sorry guys.

You got a Sista here, DD, and we can do this together!! Set our boundaries and not let these "moms" cross them! :hugs::high5::shake:

DD80 04-03-2012 10:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beeb (Post 15551367)
You got a Sista here, DD, and we can do this together!! Set our boundaries and not let these "moms" cross them! :hugs::high5::shake:

Thank you. :hugs:

ellgee 04-03-2012 10:13 AM

I sure empathize with you and others on the mom issue. I live four hours away from my mom and yes, I love her, but it isn't always far enough.

Every phone call we share includes a conversation about my weight, what exercise I'm doing, my daughter and her weight problems and the great success she's having with her weight loss.

Like Soren - my mom is 5'7" and was a majorette in high school. She probably weighs in the 160s. Not bone thin but not obese. Here I am 5'3" and always been chubby, fat, obese.

As to the question - I am NOT telling my mom what I'm doing and if I have to spend time with her I will just tell her I'm counting calories. She is sharp and if it is over two days, I imagine I will tell her I'm calorie cycling and eat large portions of low cal food on DDs so she won't criticize me and tell me I'm starving myself. UDs would pose their own problem because I'd be criticized for overeating. I can see the difficulty you face.

I wish you lots of luck and by the way, I love your posts!!

sorenkkg 04-03-2012 10:49 AM

Merci Annie :) Thank you Laura and everyone!

DD80, I hear you. It's taken me a long time, and a LOT OF MONEY, to understand more about myself and my mom... finally, I realized I was spending MY money to analyze HER :p

And someone said above-- we can't control someone else's reactions, just OUR reaction to their reaction. SO TRUE.

Ok, so, my plan is-- go in with some DD foods in a cooler so I have some stuff (and she'll have eggs, etc).

She knows I sometimes do shakes, so that's not a huge deal.

if she asks/notices that I'm not eating much for dinner when I arrive-- I can say I snacked a lot on my drive (DD on thursday).

I'll try to figure out the DD on Saturday-- go out and about, eat a bit during the day, and if we wind up somewhere for dinner, stick to veggies (I'm envisioning a greek or chinese place).

I can say I've lost "about 15lbs" since the start of the year, so she'll be happy with that.

I really feel for all of you-- if your mom's anything like mine-- yes, there's a lot of love, but I'm not always sure I *like* her that much, all the time.
As long as we don't have a knock-down, drag out, screaming match-- I consider the visit a success ;)

Will report back on this later in the week, I'll have my PC and a lot of free time.

Thanks for the advice and support everyone! :D
Soren

sungoddess 04-03-2012 11:09 AM

Wow- sounds like many of us have the same mom!! Oh wait, that isn't possible.:stars:

My mom sounds like yours. She is 5'0" and thin and always has been. I have been a big disappointment to her with my lifelong weight struggles. She took me to TOPS when I was 13 and humiliated me for life when she bought me a girdle at age 12 and PUT IT IN MY EASTER BASKET!!!!:cry: OMG:sad: I don't like to see her very often because of her judgments about my weight. It hurts me so deeply and I just don't want to feel what I feel when she is around.

I haven't seen her for awhile, but she came out to visit for 4 days in January with her boyfriend. I worried and fretted about this visit for months ahead of time. I worried about how I was going to take the criticism. Plus I was doing JUDDD and didn't want her attitude about it. Lucky that Friday and Sunday were up days. I wasn't sure how to handle the down days.

Now my mom is a big reader, so I armed myself with some pages of studies downloaded about boosting the metabolism with alternate day eating. I didn't say anything until she asked me, and then I said I was doing something my doctor told me to do to boost my metabolism. (the doctor thing gave it credibility). I handed her the papers to read- don't know if she read them or not. I told her I eat more calories on one day and less the next to make an average of 1200 calories. We were still able to have a nice lunch at Black Angus on my down day. My mom said, "so is it working?" I said, "yes". And she said "good". THAT IS ALL SHE SAID ABOUT IT!!:confused:

I was shocked. If she had gotten all negative, I would have drawn the line and ended the discussion about it, but I didn't have too.:jumpjoy:

I think just saying I was splitting 1200 calories into two days explained it.

Good luck and if necessary, just say... I would appreciate your support on this mom, instead of your criticism and end the discussion at that.
:hugs:

b_lou_who 04-03-2012 11:17 AM

I wouldn't explain.

Just eat low on down days and if she even notices or asks
say "I'm just not hungry" or
"my tummy is bothering me a little, this is all I want"
"I feel like I ate too much yesterday, just keeping it light today"

most people are too self centered to notice what we do (barring hypercritical mothers I suppose) and no one has ever questioned me when I answer with any of those things no matter what "diet" I happened to be on. And since nothing is off limits with juddd/IF then if you make a food choice it is for your health or your palate.

sorenkkg 04-03-2012 11:17 AM

:goodpost: Bev!

wtg!

hey, did you go from being a moongoddess to a sungoddess, or am I confused?

OhioGuy 04-03-2012 11:39 AM

i swear that 90% of what you say to family members is a waste of breath.
seems like everyone is deaf or dumb.
i bet half of you have been in this situation before:
"Im not eating sugar, bread, or carby stuff"
pause for 2.6 seconds and listen for this response
"Wanna go for pizza and icecream tonight?"

then this
"Well that IS sugar, bread, and all things carbs"
pause for dear in headlights look
"Well just dont eat as much"

In stead of trying to explain juddd the other day i told someone i eat every other day.
i eat a lot on one day and nothing the next and when you divide the calories out over the 2 days its a healthy diet.
for some reason, that worked.
and they can understand that every other day you can go with them for pizza and icecream. lol

vanilla_latte 04-03-2012 11:47 AM

I'd go with what a couple others said - just say you're not too terribly hungry, pick at the food and keep the calories in your head. If she notices that your lack of appetite seems to be every other day, just agree that it does seem a bit odd, doesn't it? ;)

Good luck with however you choose to handle it. :up:

Becky 04-03-2012 11:48 AM

I'm going to keep it to myself! My mom is never an issue and is very supportive, my younger overweight sister (she weighs 190 and should lose at least 40lbs according to her....I agree) is the problem, she loves very meanly picking on me when I tell her how much I have lost. She always implies I'll never keep it off, though she has gained 20lbs in the time I've lost 25 so forget it, she obviously thinks her way (exercise 3x per week 1/2 hour per session, but still eating WAY too much) is best for her so I'm not even going to discuss weight loss with her anymore, my mom and you guys are great at positive comments, I don't need the negative.

sophiethecat 04-03-2012 11:50 AM

Quote:

i swear that 90% of what you say to family members is a waste of breath.
seems like everyone is deaf or dumb.
i bet half of you have been in this situation before:
"Im not eating sugar, bread, or carby stuff"
pause for 2.6 seconds and listen for this response
"Wanna go for pizza and icecream tonight?"
:hyst: People have this way of hearing you but not really wanting to hear you or something :dunno: ... and I have experienced that same thing from people myself when I was on LC or other diets. Including the following:

Quote:

"Well that IS sugar, bread, and all things carbs"
pause for dear in headlights look
"Well just dont eat as much"
You really nailed it! :laugh:

Quote:

In stead of trying to explain juddd the other day i told someone i eat every other day.
i eat a lot on one day and nothing the next and when you divide the calories out over the 2 days its a healthy diet.
Quote:

for some reason, that worked.
and they can understand that every other day you can go with them for pizza and icecream. lol
Love, love, love this!!! :high5: On JUDDD we only have to diet half the time and there are no forbidden foods! :jumpjoy:

sophiethecat 04-03-2012 11:56 AM

:console: Really sorry that so many JUDDD buds have had to listen to such negativity all their lives from their mothers and other family members. :sad: Great advice has been given already. Just do what YOU need to do and want to do. It's YOUR life, your health, your body. :up: Again, I am really sorry for the pain the OP and so many of you have endured, and hope this is the turning over of a new leaf in your life in not only getting the body you want, but in feeling good about yourself, :jumpjoy: your choices, and making the best of your relationships in a way that is comfortable and healthy for YOU. :jumpjoy: :hugs: :love:

Skinjob 04-03-2012 12:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DD80 (Post 15551299)
I hate to say this, but it makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one with this type of mother. I spent so long idolizing her, loving her, and trying to not only not hurt her, but to make her happy. She was my best friend. I'm just starting to realize that I can't make her happy and everything I do (just living my life) seems to hurt her. She's not my friend (heck, she's been telling me that for years...guess I should have listened...) Man, it hurts. I feel so isolated in this issue and even though I feel sorry that you have the same issue, it makes me feel not so alone.

End t/j. Sorry guys.

You're definitely not alone. I can relate. :hugs:

gotsomeold 04-03-2012 12:41 PM

For a long time I have been trying to figure out why the :doh: 'eat every other day' thing seems to work.

After all, if someone told me they were averaging 1200 calories over two days, I would think "600 cals/day sounds like a road to starvation mode" (note: I would not say that, but I would think it and ask very interested questions until I got the whole story).

However, for some reason the magic phrase 'eat every other day' seems to diffuse the situation. Maybe it is so :stars::stars::stars: that people just give up and turn off?

Anyway, it is a secret weapon. Use it wisely. :cool:

sungoddess 04-03-2012 12:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sungoddess (Post 15551597)
Wow- sounds like many of us have the same mom!! Oh wait, that isn't possible.:stars:

My mom sounds like yours. She is 5'0" and thin and always has been. I have been a big disappointment to her with my lifelong weight struggles. She took me to TOPS when I was 13 and humiliated me for life when she bought me a girdle at age 12 and PUT IT IN MY EASTER BASKET!!!!:cry: OMG:sad: I don't like to see her very often because of her judgments about my weight. It hurts me so deeply and I just don't want to feel what I feel when she is around.

I haven't seen her for awhile, but she came out to visit for 4 days in January with her boyfriend. I worried and fretted about this visit for months ahead of time. I worried about how I was going to take the criticism. Plus I was doing JUDDD and didn't want her attitude about it. Lucky that Friday and Sunday were up days. I wasn't sure how to handle the down days.

Now my mom is a big reader, so I armed myself with some pages of studies downloaded about boosting the metabolism with alternate day eating. I didn't say anything until she asked me, and then I said I was doing something my doctor told me to do to boost my metabolism. (the doctor thing gave it credibility). I handed her the papers to read- don't know if she read them or not. I told her I eat more calories on one day and less the next to make an average of 1200 calories. We were still able to have a nice lunch at Black Angus on my down day. My mom said, "so is it working?" I said, "yes". And she said "good". THAT IS ALL SHE SAID ABOUT IT!!:confused:

I was shocked. If she had gotten all negative, I would have drawn the line and ended the discussion about it, but I didn't have too.:jumpjoy:

I think just saying I was splitting 1200 calories into two days explained it.

Good luck and if necessary, just say... I would appreciate your support on this mom, instead of your criticism and end the discussion at that.
:hugs:

oops, I mean 2200 (to 2400) over two days. Too late to edit it. :sad:

Yam-Yam 04-03-2012 01:09 PM

I have four older sisters. Two of them are old enough to actually BE my mother, and they certainly act like they are!!! (my mother passed away in 1990). One of them "was" my mother growing up because my own mother was like my grandmother and too exhausted from raising 10 kids to do any more mothering!:hyst: The one who is only 4 years older than me is very bossy, judgemental, and still always telling me what to do!!!

They all live 3,000 miles away from me. Whew! But, in May, like I do every year, I will be spending a week with them all back at the old homestead.

I've been thinking a lot about this. They are all great cooks and everything is always about food. When I come, if I do not eat all the fattening and carb laden stuff they have prepared for me, I get in trouble. Seriously.

This year they will have to notice my weight loss because it's become pretty obvious. Hallelujah! :hyst: And they will ask me what I am doing. (They will do it because they want to lose weight, too. But they won't like the answer!:p)

Here's my plan: They pretty much know I'm an information junkie and that I love to read self-help type books. I'm going to tell them the truth. I started out doing Weight Watchers and liked it, but the weight loss was really slow. Heard about a book by Dr. Pierre Dukan and read it and started adding in some of his techniques.

Then heard about a great book by Dr. Johnson called "The Alternate Day Diet" and it's all about cycling calories on a daily rotation.

By then their eyes will be glazed over. :rofl::rofl::rofl: That happens if I try to talk about a book I've been reading!:rofl::rofl::rofl: And, most likely they will change the subject.

I'm pretty good at taking the food I'm offered, playing with it, talking, telling stories, then offering, "can I take your plate?" if someone's plate is empty. I stand up, take all the empty plates and slide mine underneath and toss them (since we usually use paper plates at family get togethers).

Then I say, "Can I get anyone anything while I'm up??" And I re-fill my glass with ice water.

That's my DD plan!! Woo-Hoo!

This is a great thread!! Thanks, Soren, for getting us thinking and chatting about this subject!!!:hugs:

Good luck with your Mum!:high5:


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