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-   -   Yesterday was AWFUL! (http://www.lowcarbfriends.com/bbs/juddd/754982-yesterday-awful.html)

HotMommy 01-25-2012 08:04 AM

Yesterday was AWFUL!
 
I didn't veer away from the plan, thank goodness and I'm back from the mental distress I was experiencing.
Anyway, yesterday was my UD and the more I ate the more sure I was I wasn't going to go back on JUDDD, I was going wake up this morning call it quits. However when I woke up I felt nothing more than happy and motivated for my DD.
My mood was so terrible regarding the subject I probably ate close to 4000 calories yesterday, I didn't track but it was one high calorie thing after another.
I can't really decipher what was going on in my mind but I do know that it is reiterated that UD need to be enjoyed and that was opposite of joy.
I guess what I'm looking for is some words of wisdom or motivation to stop those feelings of deprivation and self loathing from coming back.

Can anybody help?

SillverOrchid 01-25-2012 08:16 AM

I have no real advice just :hugs: emotions can get the best of anyone! The important thing is your back on track today :)

TallToriV 01-25-2012 08:20 AM

I'm so sorry yesterday sucked so bad. :console: But each day really is a chance to start over! And I'm glad to hear you're feeling better this morning.

If I could ask a personal question, may I ask why your target BMI is so low? At 120, you'd be medically underweight according to the BMI regs the NIH puts out. Lord knows everyone's different, and no scale can really fit everyone, but if you're already at a weight that's quite low for your height, and you're going through these crazy hunger phases, it may be that your body would like to stay where it's at, rather than going for that ultra-low weight.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be intrusive. It's just that I spent a long time trying to push my own body into a similarly low weight for my own height, and learned that this can backfire in some not nice ways. Maybe a break from weight loss (going to 40%-50% DDs, not just calling a free-for-all, of course) would help you to maintain the good you've done, rest up, and then take another look at that 120 goal. It sounds like the permissive aspect of UDs is triggering some mental stuff for you - I can't possibly eat whatever I want, I'll be fat and gross, oh well I might as well eat EVERYTHING because if I let myself have what I want I'll end up fat and gross - and I've learned it can be really helpful to take some time to just look at that and think about it and see where it's really coming from. You might even consider going back and adding up what you did eat, now that you're in a better place; it might not be nearly as much as it seemed at the time.

Whatever you decide, you've done beautifully! :clap: Remind yourself of that - put up sticky notes about how far you've come to remind yourself, if that'll help. I swear, our weight can trigger so much mental junk for us! But it's for the best, really, because we get a chance to take a good look at it and learn from it.

ouizoid 01-25-2012 08:29 AM

mommy--as I recall from other postings last year, you have a pretty significant ED. Are you sure this is right for you? It may all work itself out--JUDDD has been helpful for some of us with ED, but I do think you may need to be cautious given your history.

HotMommy 01-25-2012 09:00 AM

Well I just erased my previous post because I think it was a bit TMI. I don't really want anyone to feel sorry for me and I just went off about my ED in a "poor pitiful me" way. When I can think of what to say I'll come back and post :(

Beeb 01-25-2012 09:11 AM

:console: I am going to agree with Ouiz and suggest that this WOE may not be for you. It is even warned about in the JUDDD book about this WOE not being for people with EDs. Even though some here have done OK with their ED and JUDDD, it really is something that needs to be researched and really thought about before jumping in all the way.

The comment that struck me was this one you said: "I quit eating and the results were beautiful". This just didn't sound healthy to me. :dunno:

Please don't do something that may cause your ED to come roaring back and JUDDD may just be doing that.

Just my thoughts and opinions, nothing more. :console:

Knittering 01-25-2012 09:17 AM

:console::console::console:

HM, you are beautiful and I don't think you need to lose another ounce.

I worry about this WOE being triggering for people who have had EDs or are prone to them; I know that I find the DD-feeling tempting. Why not just stretch it out to another day, and another, and another? If I have those thoughts, I can only imagine what it must be like for someone with a disordered eating history.

TallToriV 01-25-2012 09:18 AM

Well, I hear you. First off, know that you're not alone. I wasn't able to get therapy right away, either - I tried nutritional counseling, and I just lied to the lady anyway, so it was pretty pointless. I did the best I could for as long as it took, and wound up being able to start therapy about 10 months later. When I DID start therapy, it was because just making yourself eat isn't enough - I'd done that, gained enough weight to be "healthy," and the underlying issues were coming through in new and creative ways, lol. Even though I was eating, I was still ana; I just thought I was doomed to think myself fat forever. THAT stage lasted several more years, and I'm just now coming off it. It's definitely a journey.

It might help to look on it that way. Rather than thinking "My relationship with food is dysfunctional," try "I'm healing from some really difficult stuff that I'm not totally ready to face yet, and this is one way my brain is trying to help me cope." Be patient with yourself. Try to accept where you are honestly and without judgment. I can speak from experience and say that once you believe you're just messed up and that's all there is to it, you're painting yourself into a really tight corner. Everyone has their issues to sort through - some people drink, some people get really angry for no reason, some people binge eat or starve. The drinking, anger, and eating disorder aren't really the illness in and of themselves; they're a symptom, either of a chemical imbalance or mental habits like negative self-talk and bad self esteem.

How do you feel about reading some books in lieu of therapy? It might be a good starting place. Try "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay, and "Remembering Wholeness" by Carole Tuttle. If you can get your focus off of the eating, understanding that it's only a symptom, and start gently exploring yourself as a full person, you'll be totally unstoppable!! ^_^

Oh, and one last thing. Right now, you're fine physically. You are not seriously underweight, you're not binging more than you can handle. You are safe. You WILL figure this out. It's sooooo important to know that you won't inevitably hurt yourself, that you really are in charge and taking care of yourself. You're just figuring it out as you go, like we all are. Well-intentioned people saying "OMG you have an ED!!! Go to the hospital NOW!" make it so much worse for me, lol, thank god this forum's not like that.

TallToriV 01-25-2012 09:25 AM

I see folks saying that JUDDD isn't so great for ED people. I see what they're saying, but I know that JUDDD has really, really helped me personally as far as giving me permission to eat on up days. What a lot of people don't realize is that DDs are normal days for those of us who've been through ana. Having a group of people like this cheering you on during up days is SO valuable!!!

I think that the issues that are coming up for you came up for a reason, and if you're able, you should look at them. I also think that you'll need to deal with them no matter what you do - LC, low-cal, even trying to push it all away and just eat whatever you want. No matter what you do, sooner or later you'll need to learn self-acceptance, and it sounds like you're closer now that you've ever been, just because you're finally aware that you ARE judging yourself too harshly. If you weren't on this board, we wouldn't be here to say "Hey, gal, 120 is a reeeeally low target weight for a tall honey like you!!!" ;-)

moonmirror 01-25-2012 09:31 AM

My opinion is if someone is ana, then JUDDD is better than no plan at all. The up days on Judd give a person with ana some nutrition, when that person might be restricting continually on a daily basis and getting NO nutrition, normally.

Based on what I've read from your past posts Hotmommy Juddd might be a healthier option for you.

Try to let the big calorie day go. Its just calories. You probably needed it.

You probably have no extra fat on you at all, since you are 5'8 and 124-128 pounds. Your body is trying to get its protein, that's all.

Don't forget that people who restrict too much for too long have bodies that eat its own tissue, including the heart and brain. Its why ana's go into cardiac arrest.

The up days just might save your life!

HotMommy 01-25-2012 09:33 AM

A lot of you got to my reply before I erased it and aren't calling me dumb, that's what ED's do to you, I let some of the information slip and thought everyone was going to call me stupid. That's why I haven't gotten help I feel like my family and friends would mock me!
Anyway, lots of good advise and uderstanding TallToriV I understand you're a recovered ANA and that's inspiring to me, I actually have the book by Louise L. Hay and haven't read it, had I known it may help in this aspect I would have already! I'll start on it today :)
Thanks for the advise everyone. I am going to spend some time REALLY thinking about the subject today:) most likely I'll continue with JUDDD because, as I said, for me the every other day eating is a good thing. But none the less I have some thinking to do. I appreciate the positive words of encouragement.

TallToriV 01-25-2012 09:38 AM

Pfft. You are as far away from pitiful as can be. You got this. If you want to talk post-thinking, we're here!

Eieio 01-25-2012 09:46 AM

Hmomma I can relate and I don't have Ed.
 
Ur my firs post to read today. I joined in the juddd woe just the other day.
I have never had a problem with wt. until after having a hysterectomy about 6 years ago.
For the last year I've lost 25 lbs on low calorie( which was very slow wt coming off, and then doing low carbing for the last ten lbs.
Reading ur post this morning. I felt... Gee maybe I have Ed, cause while trying to up my carbs and trying to stay at my goal wt. of 135. MY WT? WENT UP LIKE MAD. N 3 weeks I gained back 5 lbs. very depressing, cause I still did normal exercise. So just Monday I was feeling way down in a hole about the pass year of working and doing good and now back to wt gain. I feel like u u talking.
So now after my real accomplished down day, yesterday. Took in 600 cal.
which was a ok day. I keep broth and water, coffee circulating in my body.
All was well. Surprised me. And still this morning I've had only coffee and it's 10:40 am. So no me. And could be beginners luck. Smile.
Any way I'm so new at this, but I'm amazed at my over so call 24 hrs of fasting, with liquids..any way I felt I needed to say that everybody has negative thoughts about themselves, even folks without official Diagnosis of Ed.
We r human. I hope I did right in posting. Just needed to let u know how I felt Monday. several people have posted for me. Which is a great help.
My husband is going to think I'm mad at him since I have this group of people to help me withi encouraging words and just plan talking a out food.
U HAVE A GOOD DAY! Make the devil l cringe. Smile

sophiethecat 01-25-2012 10:41 AM

:hugs: HM :hugs: We're here for you.

MLE 01-25-2012 02:29 PM

HotMommy,
knowing your history and sharing some similarities, I can honestly say that JUDDD is a mixed bag...a blessing and a curse. For me, I have made some important decisions over the past few years that have changed everything for the better. The first is accountability, second is transparency, and third is vulnerability. I am accountable to someone for my behavior in association with food. This helps particularly on those days when I am tempted to resort to old tricks. This is where transparency comes in. I have to choose to let someone know that I am having those thoughts and talk through them so that I don't act on them. And, of course this takes vulnerability. I have to basically allow myself "nakedness" in truth and trust that those I am accountable to will not hurt me. I have been practicing these principals long enough that I have had no recurrance of ED behavior since 2008. And, the old habits and mindsets continue to disappear little by little, the warped thoughts occur less and less frequently.
I think SoHappy has posted some wonderful advice in the past regarding binge eating in the beginning of coming to the JUDDD WOE. I think I am quoting her correctly when she says that over time, our relationship to food will no longer be driven by the feeling of deprivation because we CAN eat everything and nothing is restricted. Eventually, we will choose more healthy foods.
Makes sense to me...here in France, I do not see the teens having the same relationship with alcohol as those in the US where it is restricted until 21. Binge drinking is not an issue here like it is there, I think, BECAUSE it is not restricted. Someone correct me if I am wrong here. But, it is probably the same with this WOE. The "fun" of eating all the restricted junk looses its appeal. That said, stick with JUDDD for a while and if ED behaviors increase instead of decrease, then you know it is not for you. But, if not, maybe this WOE will be the one that changes your relationship with food once and for all!

JKat 01-25-2012 02:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HotMommy (Post 15359897)
A lot of you got to my reply before I erased it and aren't calling me dumb, that's what ED's do to you, I let some of the information slip and thought everyone was going to call me stupid. That's why I haven't gotten help I feel like my family and friends would mock me!
Anyway, lots of good advise and uderstanding TallToriV I understand you're a recovered ANA and that's inspiring to me, I actually have the book by Louise L. Hay and haven't read it, had I known it may help in this aspect I would have already! I'll start on it today :)
Thanks for the advise everyone. I am going to spend some time REALLY thinking about the subject today:) most likely I'll continue with JUDDD because, as I said, for me the every other day eating is a good thing. But none the less I have some thinking to do. I appreciate the positive words of encouragement.

Bigs :hugs: Try not to beat yourself up so much. I hope all works out for you

mainemom 01-25-2012 07:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TallToriV (Post 15359618)
I'm so sorry yesterday sucked so bad. :console: But each day really is a chance to start over! And I'm glad to hear you're feeling better this morning.

If I could ask a personal question, may I ask why your target BMI is so low? At 120, you'd be medically underweight according to the BMI regs the NIH puts out. Lord knows everyone's different, and no scale can really fit everyone, but if you're already at a weight that's quite low for your height, and you're going through these crazy hunger phases, it may be that your body would like to stay where it's at, rather than going for that ultra-low weight.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be intrusive. It's just that I spent a long time trying to push my own body into a similarly low weight for my own height, and learned that this can backfire in some not nice ways. Maybe a break from weight loss (going to 40%-50% DDs, not just calling a free-for-all, of course) would help you to maintain the good you've done, rest up, and then take another look at that 120 goal. It sounds like the permissive aspect of UDs is triggering some mental stuff for you - I can't possibly eat whatever I want, I'll be fat and gross, oh well I might as well eat EVERYTHING because if I let myself have what I want I'll end up fat and gross - and I've learned it can be really helpful to take some time to just look at that and think about it and see where it's really coming from. You might even consider going back and adding up what you did eat, now that you're in a better place; it might not be nearly as much as it seemed at the time.

Whatever you decide, you've done beautifully! :clap: Remind yourself of that - put up sticky notes about how far you've come to remind yourself, if that'll help. I swear, our weight can trigger so much mental junk for us! But it's for the best, really, because we get a chance to take a good look at it and learn from it.

:goodpost:

HotMommy 01-26-2012 08:49 AM

Thanks everyone! I did some serious thinking and I have a list a mile long why JUDDD is more appropriate for me in comparison to regular LC or no diet plan. For the most part it's forgiving, even if you mess up big time by the end of the following DD you haven't gained an ounce or even may have lost weight. That's excellent for someone with bulimia! It gives you the peace of mind the know it is OK. Treats taste better with that mentality, too :) 2nd after having an ED for so long you learn to like being hungry...it's good it means you're not gaining weight and you have control I may be lost without the DD so much identity is based behind me ED, as though it defines who I am in a way, yet it's controlled and safe I'm not harming my body. The best of both worlds!
Best of all I'm eating like a pig (on UD) and lost a couple pounds, during the past 4 years I'd given my arm and leg to know this was possible!
I'm excited for UD, about eating which I've kind of despised over the years, last night when I went to bed I found myself thinking "yay UD tomorrow!" this morning I invited my sister to lunch. I feel like my mental state is really improving. I feel happier and more energetic. Best, I feel like there may be a way out of the evil clutches of this monster called ED. Just maybe...
So, this is why I believe JUDDD is right for me!

moonmirror 01-26-2012 08:55 AM

I think its a great sign that you're excited for UD's and doing them without purging.

HotMommy 01-26-2012 08:59 AM

As far as the mental distress I experienced that day before it's because I was just eating and eating and eating for me that usually means the start of something bad but the fact I stuck to my DD and well, even enjoyed it, and woke up this morning 125lbs. I was afraid but I'm glad I stuck to my guns because now I'm not.
Who wouldn't expect fear of eating from someone whose battling an ED? I suspect it will happen again and for that reason I'm glad I have all of your support to get me through :shake:

TallToriV 01-26-2012 09:02 AM

Me!! Oh, me!! I would totally expect it ;-) I think this woe is really helpful, though, because you learn to live through it, if that makes sense. If you're freaking out because you're eating a lot, you eventually learn that tomorrow you get a break. If you're freaking out because you're not eating a lot (for me, THAT'S traditionally the sign of a bad thing coming, I SO get what you meant there), you learn that the next day you'll be eating a lot again. Nothing's scary anymore.

sophiethecat 01-26-2012 09:11 AM

:jumpjoy: Tori & HM! :jumpjoy: So happy to read this! So happy for you guys to be finding peace and a woe that works for you! :jumpjoy: :love: :hugs:

MLE 01-26-2012 02:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sophiethecat (Post 15363020)
:jumpjoy: Tori & HM! :jumpjoy: So happy to read this! So happy for you guys to be finding peace and a woe that works for you! :jumpjoy: :love: :hugs:

DITTO!!

TallToriV 01-26-2012 02:45 PM

:love:


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