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Old 01-10-2012, 06:12 AM   #1
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I need a hug!

Three months ago my 87 year old father alternated walking five miles one day with spending at least an hour in the gym the next day; was actively involved his church and HOA, and happily dedicated a most of his life to helping my mother gently slide into dementia.

Today, after many days spent in ER and at doctors' offices, he has four separate things wrong with his heart, his vascular system is failing, he is on oxygen 24 x 7, diuretics, and exhausted by walking across a room.

Mother is confused. She alternates between terror of losing the man she fell in love with when she was 11 and he was 13, and being angry because why won't he move the chair across the room for her?

I know where this is going. The cardiologist says he can resume light exercise and can even drive short distance (the grocery is a mile away from their house). So, life may stabilize. For awhile. But I know where this is going. My father was orphaned over 80 years ago. It will not be very long before his beloved Mother welcomes him Home.

And I can be strong for my parents. I am doing what I always do in a medical crisis: dropping my own life, taking care of things, being upbeat and supportive, running errands, talking to doctors, watching for signs of the next crisis. I can be strong for my sister who is really trying, but gets overwhelmed and vanishes for awhile when she can't cope. I can help my poor confused mother without getting angry at her confusion.

I can be strong. In fact, I take greatest comfort from doing things, from being strong. But, well, I really wanted to share this with someone. I really wanted to say I can do whatever has to be done while I am scared and sad and feeling lost because one of the most wonderful fathers in the world is going to have to leave this world.

I wanted to say that. And I thought of all the amazing people on this forum. Send me your prayers, please. Hold me in your thoughts. The next days or weeks or months are going to be difficult. Thank you for letting me share this.
__________________
- Nancy
GOAL 10/3/12
Still at goal 2/6/13
STILL below goal 2/15/14

I did not "lose" weight. I evicted it. It is gone and it ain't coming back!

JUDDD cares about calories. JUDDD does not care what you eat. Your body probably does.
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Old 01-10-2012, 06:28 AM   #2
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What a tough situation. You are such a strong person.
I'll keep you in my thoughts!
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Old 01-10-2012, 06:32 AM   #3
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Old 01-10-2012, 06:43 AM   #4
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WOE: Back to JUDDD!

I am sending you all the good energy I have. Please know you're not alone. I'm sure several of us have dealt with similar situations and maybe can't offer anything more than support, but we are most certainly willing and able to offer that.
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Old 01-10-2012, 06:56 AM   #5
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Sorry your going through this lots of your way!
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Old 01-10-2012, 07:01 AM   #6
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I do understand what you are experiencing, as I've lived that also, so you have my full support and
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Old 01-10-2012, 07:04 AM   #7
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Start Date: Started JUDDD 10/26/11
and . I'm very sorry.
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Old 01-10-2012, 07:09 AM   #8
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while i can't identify with all your are going thru, i can identify with the knowledge that your daddy is preparing to leave you. i lost my 59 yo daddy sept '10. it hurts....a lot...but i know that he would not want me being sad everyday. so i look at his smiling face on my desk everyday and smile back at him and tell him i love him.

love on him with your arms as much as you can. but prepare to only be able to love on him with your heart. that's what i did and it did ease the transition from physical hugs to heart hugs a bit easier.

thinking of you....
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Old 01-10-2012, 07:22 AM   #9
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I have just said a pray for you and your family members and will keep you in my thoughts now.

As an older woman who lost her parents many years ago now, your story brought back many memories for me. Sad, and yet beautiful and cherished.

I know you are feeling a great happiness that your parents have been able to live into extended old age with each other, but so difficult to see our parents as they weaken in the last years of their life. You are blessed (even though it is so hard) to be the one who has the strength emotionally to help and care and guide and foresee and arrange and plan and take over the work that still has to be done right now. Years from now, you will be so glad you were blessed to be there for them, difficult though it is now.

Hope your dad is able to recover strength enough with the medical care he is given now to feel able to do a few more things he wants to do, so he doesn't feel so constrained and helpless. And I hope your mom doesn't get any worse beyond this in her dementia periods, so that she has plenty of good lucid time with you all.

It's not easy. But you're blessed if you can be a part of it. And you will never be able to understand how your love can grow even amid your frustrations during this time. Sometimes you head is just swirling and you don't know whether to laugh or cry. Whew! But, as I said, years from now you'll remember this period with much tenderness in your heart. God bless you all.
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Old 01-10-2012, 07:40 AM   #10
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I'm so sorry that you've entered into this period of life where you must be strong, even though you wonder how you can make it through. My heart hurts for you today, and I will be praying for peace and ease through this transition for you all.
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Old 01-10-2012, 08:09 AM   #11
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My thoughts are with you.
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Old 01-10-2012, 08:11 AM   #12
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Hi there and I am in a very similar position. My father has a heart condition and a lung condition. He can't walk at all anymore and even if he could his hearts cant cope and his blood pressure falls and so does he. My mother however is in good health and can take care of him and she has good help. I feel like there is something I want to say to my father but I dont know what it is. Sorry don't mean to hog your post. I hope you are coping ok, you are in my thoughts and prayers
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Old 01-10-2012, 08:20 AM   #13
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and more to you. We are ALWAYS here for you, and I'm glad you know that!

Post often, lets us shoulder some of this crazy time for you, and know we all have you in our thoughts and prayers!
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Old 01-10-2012, 09:01 AM   #14
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Sending many and saying a for you and your family.
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Old 01-10-2012, 09:30 AM   #15
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I am so sorry....Huge
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Old 01-10-2012, 09:52 AM   #16
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Oh, Nancy... hugs and prayers.
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Old 01-10-2012, 10:01 AM   #17
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Sending more hugs and prayers , too.
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Old 01-10-2012, 10:14 AM   #18
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I'm sorry. What a heartbreaking situation. I'll be thinking of you and your family.
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Old 01-10-2012, 10:30 AM   #19
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Old 01-10-2012, 11:28 AM   #20
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WOE: JUDDD/PHD, LC now that my BG is getting weird
Start Date: JUDDD 1/1/12 + LCHF 12/1/13 (controlling diabetes)
This is just the greatest group. Thank you all. I feel so much better for putting what I feeling into words, and for reading all of your wonderful replies.

For 35 years my parents and I lived half-way across the country from each other. Seven years ago my parents moved to a town close to Asheville, NC which let me drive up from Atlanta to see them monthly. Four years ago, when I turned 55, I took early retirement and DH got permission to work remotely, and we moved here. So, I have had four wonderful years of being close to them - which is a blessing I cherish every day.

Dazygyrl, I am so sorry! Your dad and I are the same age. I wish I could give you a real hug!

Majella, I wish I could hug you too. I learned when I was very young that the only way to live is by treating everyone I care about as if I might never see them again. And I learned the only words, and actions, that really matter are "I love you." Those words share joy, forgive error, accept the past, and assure the future. They cover it all. And my father and I share them whenever we speak...it helps.

Last edited by gotsomeold; 01-10-2012 at 11:39 AM..
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Old 01-10-2012, 11:33 AM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SoHappy View Post
I have just said a pray for you and your family members and will keep you in my thoughts now.

As an older woman who lost her parents many years ago now, your story brought back many memories for me. Sad, and yet beautiful and cherished.

I know you are feeling a great happiness that your parents have been able to live into extended old age with each other, but so difficult to see our parents as they weaken in the last years of their life. You are blessed (even though it is so hard) to be the one who has the strength emotionally to help and care and guide and foresee and arrange and plan and take over the work that still has to be done right now. Years from now, you will be so glad you were blessed to be there for them, difficult though it is now.

Hope your dad is able to recover strength enough with the medical care he is given now to feel able to do a few more things he wants to do, so he doesn't feel so constrained and helpless. And I hope your mom doesn't get any worse beyond this in her dementia periods, so that she has plenty of good lucid time with you all.

It's not easy. But you're blessed if you can be a part of it. And you will never be able to understand how your love can grow even amid your frustrations during this time. Sometimes you head is just swirling and you don't know whether to laugh or cry. Whew! But, as I said, years from now you'll remember this period with much tenderness in your heart. God bless you all.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through--and please know that not only are we all for you and your family, but most of us have to go through this type of tribulation at one time or another.
My 79 yr. old father was left in a hospital by his 20-yr. younger second wife, who left a message on my answering machine saying she was divorcing him. I moved him into an apt. close to my home and took care of him every day, while taking care of my own 3 children. But, what a blessing to have that closeness with him for that last year of his life.
My FIL passed away suddenly w/o any of the family knowing how advanced my MIL's dementia had become. We all took turns taking care of Mom until she passed 3 years later.
Remember, they will not be here forever. Enjoy whatever time you have with them; you will be so grateful later.
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Old 01-10-2012, 12:18 PM   #22
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Start Date: LC 6/11; JUDDD 10/11; Maintenance 11/11
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Old 01-10-2012, 12:33 PM   #23
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Holding you in my heart, love...Will keep your sweet family in my prayers.
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Old 01-10-2012, 12:33 PM   #24
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Sending prayers for courage, wisdom and strength. Please pace yourself and treat yourself gently and control those things you can control.
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Old 01-10-2012, 12:47 PM   #25
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I am holding you in my thoughts and in my heart. Your father sounds like an amazing man, and to hear that he and your mother have had each others love for so many years is wonderful.
He is so blessed to have you take care of him now.
Take care hun

hugs
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Old 01-10-2012, 05:19 PM   #26
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HUGS and thoughts of positive strength, i can't give you a hug in person but know that you're thought about!!
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Old 01-10-2012, 07:20 PM   #27
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hugs and prayers
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Old 01-11-2012, 02:56 AM   #28
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Start Date: JUDDD 1/1/12 + LCHF 12/1/13 (controlling diabetes)
You are all just the best people! All the caring gave me the energy to wonder why, suddenly, I felt overwhelmed by situation I have known was coming (and I have been preparing myself for) for years.

I realized I have five bestest friends who would usually drop everything to support me and let me vent. But right now each of them are facing life-threatening medical emergencies with spouses, children, and grandchildren. They need to call me, to cry on my shoulder. And, when they ask about my Dad, they don't need the stress I would add if I broke down.

Then, last week, one of the nicest, most repeat clients I had committed suicide, leaving his wife and small children lost and confused. I think that was the straw.

Thank you, thank you all! You have shown me something I was too busy to see: chuckle, this is kind of an especially stressful time. You are all beyond wonderful - I am so glad I asked for that hug.
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Old 01-11-2012, 04:53 AM   #29
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gotsomeold View Post
You are all just the best people! All the caring gave me the energy to wonder why, suddenly, I felt overwhelmed by situation I have known was coming (and I have been preparing myself for) for years.

I realized I have five bestest friends who would usually drop everything to support me and let me vent. But right now each of them are facing life-threatening medical emergencies with spouses, children, and grandchildren. They need to call me, to cry on my shoulder. And, when they ask about my Dad, they don't need the stress I would add if I broke down.

Then, last week, one of the nicest, most repeat clients I had committed suicide, leaving his wife and small children lost and confused. I think that was the straw.

Thank you, thank you all! You have shown me something I was too busy to see: chuckle, this is kind of an especially stressful time. You are all beyond wonderful - I am so glad I asked for that hug.
Even over the internet, a group can come together and become friendly and then good friends, and truly care about what goes on in others lives. One of the nice things, too, is that we can ask for support when we need it, have access to so many thoughts and viewpoints, that it can really clear our head when we need some new perspective.

Hope today is a good new day for you, and you feel refreshed and stronger. And hoping it is a good day for your mom and daddy too.
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Old 01-11-2012, 05:31 AM   #30
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WOE: JUDDD/PHD, LC now that my BG is getting weird
Start Date: JUDDD 1/1/12 + LCHF 12/1/13 (controlling diabetes)
The true caring is amazing. Yep, I am back to my usual irritatingly cheerful self today. And, I adore ALL of you!!!
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