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Old 10-18-2011, 04:11 PM   #1
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Struggling A Bit....maybe TMI...

I posted a bit of this on another thread, but wanted to post here too...

It was an UD for me today...just back from my chinese buffet!

Ate plenty of meat, veggies (no rice, noodles, crackers or pastry..not very keen on them!) and a tiny square, about 1" of cake, and some fresh fruit Some of the meaty stuff was very sweet...weird, as it was all meant to be savoury.

As some of you know, I was bulimic up until starting lc in March this year. Usually, after a dinner out....it wouldnt be long till the dinner WAS out..of me.
I had no intention of doing that this time...and ate a normal amount of food...so I was rather distressed to find my first instinct after finishing was to get rid of the food.

I didn't....but I am rather sad that I even wanted to. It may be partly the lack of control over the ingredients of what I was eating....I cook all my own food normally...and know exactly what I am getting!

TBH, I am sitting here feeling a bit "off". I think it is psychological in part, knowing I am full of high cal, probably carby and sugary food... though I DO feel very bloated and gassy! (and, funnily enough..still a bit hungry!!)

I had 2 medium plates of food...not piled high or anything, just a little taste of a lot of things, plus 2 large glasses of water.

I think I am finding it quite hard not knowing WHAT I have actually eaten!

I faithfully record everything in ************...and at the end of the day I can see my cals/carbs/fat/protein all recorded there....there is just no way I can do that today...and I am finding it hard! I have recorded everything else I have had today...I didn't want to just have a totally uncontolled day...but there is just a big gap where dinner should be.

Part of me wants to take a couple of laxitives, just to hurry it through.

But I dont want to set a precedent...What i DO want is to be able to go out, and eat a nice meal, like a normal person.

So what I am doing, is just drinking LOTS of water, and going to bed.

I am SO sorry if I have disgusted or revolted anyone by posting this...I just needed to get it out...so I can move on.

hugs to all
Jo
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Old 10-18-2011, 04:20 PM   #2
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Jo! I think you said it yourself in another of your posts that I just read:

You're a work in progress.

We all are, really. The progress part for you TODAY is that you recognize those old feelings of wanting to get rid of your big dinner out but, and this is the progress part, YOU DIDN'T ACT ON IT. Six months ago, that dinner would have been history, but you have learned so much and grown so much since then...today is a VICTORY for you, Joedi. See the positive and build on it.

You are doing great!! More hugs...
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Old 10-18-2011, 04:22 PM   #3
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Hi Jo,

first of all BIG HUGS TO YOU. Second, no apologies. You are among friends, and we care about you. I am glad this is a safe place for you.

I DO think part of it is what you mentioned about not feeling in control on how to calculate your food. I think this brought some emotions forward.

Praying for you this evening. On a much lighter note, how was your ds's birthday? I hope it was everything he hoped it would be.

More hugs..........
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Old 10-18-2011, 05:08 PM   #4
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I have had the same problem before. It is actually a *huge* accomplishment to keep the food in. It takes a BRAVE person to live with the fear associated with doing so: loss of control, pain (from bloating, etc), having to isolate from people, depression, knowing you're going to (temporarily!!!) gain weight back. It totally sucks but I--as a fellow sufferer--am PROUD of you.

And, if god forbid you DID have a relapse, please know that you are not a failure. It happens. Sometimes the best we can hope for as disordered eaters is a good long stretch of "normal" eating. *hugs* to you- hope the morning sees you feeling better
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Old 10-18-2011, 05:11 PM   #5
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you did an AWESOME job of recognizing old addictions rearing their head. but that's just what they are OLD. you are not the same person you were 6 mos ago. you've grown and are in a better place. it's natural for the thoughts to still creep in....you are still learning. and NOT acting on those thoughts is AWESOME!!

BE PROUD for what you DID do and don't dwell on the feelings that came afterward. BE PROUD that you didn't act out! and be gentle on yourself for the rest....with more time those other things that are bugging will diminish as well.
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Old 10-18-2011, 06:01 PM   #6
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I am new here, but just like you have given me encouragement these last couple days I want to give you some also. You should be proud of yourself, that is a big accomplishment, acknowledging the behaviour but making a different choice. It sounds like you did ok calorie wise so do not fret. Tomorrow is another day and you have successfully made it through the day.
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Old 10-18-2011, 06:24 PM   #7
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Just wanted to offer you encouragement too. If you gain anything, it will be temporary water weight from all the salt. It won't last. I couldn't begin to log my Chinese buffet meal into ****** either, just too many assorted things (I don't know what some of them were).

It's just one meal out, was a special occasion, so I hope you can try not to stress too much. You'll be back on track now. I know Chinese buffet food makes me feel strange too, and I sure didn't sleep well, though that was at least in part due to the 2 glasses of wine. I don't know why I picked that place to eat, it was just something I hadn't had in so long.

Anyway, I'm proud of you for recognizing what you were experiencing and not allowing it to make you do something to yourself that might hurt you worse than one Chinese buffet meal.

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MAINTENANCE since 11/12/11, & have lost more weight. I shake things up all the time with my version of Pirate Jenny's MUDDD, my "Fast 5" & other IF. ...low-moderate fat....and eating "healthy" foods 75+% of the time which lets me have real life and indulgences too I've reached my goals, improved my health & appearance, and enjoy my lifetime woe!
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Old 10-18-2011, 07:31 PM   #8
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I think recognizing the "abnormal" thoughts is a big step toward healing. Back a year ago you probably would have thought it was normal to rid yourself of the meal. We play such self-destructive mind games. You are doing great. Long term....if we don't heal the mind we can't maintain the weight loss. You are on your way to a healthy mind and body.
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Old 10-18-2011, 07:35 PM   #9
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to my JUDDD BUDDD!

You took the very first step to healing; You saw a problem and did something OTHER than what you normally would do to solve that problem (water and bed)!

This, my dearest friend is the start of your healing and faith in yourself. You controlled the things you could (water and bed) and left the rest behind (what was the food made of, how many cals, etc.) because you knew that it was not something you could ever really figure out or control.

WTG! You did and are doing an AWESOME job!! It's the tools we develop to solve a problem that are the most important, even more important than the solution itself! Never forget that, Jo!

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Old 10-18-2011, 10:13 PM   #10
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Old 10-19-2011, 03:47 AM   #11
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I am sorry that you had a struggle, but you did brilliantly well overcoming it! Congrats on getting through it!

Lack of control can be a big deal...I can relate to a small degree, just because anyone who has been on a long term food plan and has religiously logged food can feel so unnerved when the possibility of doing so is not an option. Also, the feeling of not being able to trust what is in your food...that is not fun. I have often been freaked out by these same feelings while on vacation (forced to eat at a restaurant!) and even taking the leap yesterday and starting JUDDD. Eating what I did yesterday was an indulgence, but it also came with so much guilt and worry, and I'm going to have to get over that (or learn how to) to make this work. Even so, I cannot compare my feelings to yours...It would be totally unfair. I think you did a brave thing coming here to talk about it, and you should be SO proud of how you handled the whole situation!

I hope you feel OK and back to normal tomorrow!
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Old 10-19-2011, 04:18 AM   #12
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The big thing I'm learning both through my own therapy and through my cognitive behavior training classes in school is this: when we get the urge to perform a destructive action against ourselves, we have to stop and think back to what we were thinking directly before we thought of performing that action. We then write those thoughts down and there is more often than not, a thought pattern that comes up before the urge to perform the action.

So: thought ---> urge ---> action i.e. I was thinking about not knowing what was in my food, and how I haven't eaten out in a long while. I felt slightly uneasy about eating things that are so far off my plan. ---> maybe I should purge this stuff? ----> actual purging.

BUT: we can take that initial thought and say "I've said this to myself before and I know where it leads. If I pay attention to these self-destructive thoughts, I will end up purging. ----> urge is lessened ----> purging avoided.

There are also many, many thought patterns that can come up before an urge and subsequent action occur, so its always good to write them all down. I have patterns of three or four destructive thoughts that occur before I binge.

I hope that made sense to everyone. Its 7am and I'm running on about 4 hours sleep! lol

Jo:
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Old 10-19-2011, 06:31 AM   #13
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very proud of you for not giving in to your urges!! lots of love and understanding is being sent your way! we can do this!!!
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Old 10-19-2011, 08:21 AM   #14
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Everyone has said it already, but great job on holding tight and fighting your urges. It is a process, and I completely understand. Well done to you and we are all here for you in any way that we can help!! I hope today is a better day for you and you are feeling better!!
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Old 10-19-2011, 10:46 AM   #15
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I think your on your way to healing Jo. When you were actually bulimic and getting rid of food did you tell anyone? You probaby did it in secret and didnt want anyone to know. Just bringing your feelings out in the open says alot. You might of had an old feeling to get rid of your dinner but you didnt act on it. To me that says alot and you should be proud.
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Old 10-19-2011, 11:14 AM   #16
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So proud of you, Jo! I can't relate to the bulimic part, but I can relate to the loss of control and not knowing what's in the food!

Hang in there!
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Old 10-19-2011, 03:36 PM   #17
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Thankyou everyone for taking the time to reply...it helped more than you could ever imagine.

After posting...i couldnt really believe I had been so open...and was tempted to remove it....but I knew it had done me the world of good just getting it out there, and I knew that everyone on this forum would treat me kindly.

Muffin made an excellent point, that when we get the urge to perform a destructive action against ourselves, we have to stop and think back to what we were thinking directly before we thought of performing that action. We then write those thoughts down and there is more often than not, a thought pattern that comes up before the urge to perform the action.

It stopped me in my tracks, and made ME think, what was I thinking before I wanted to purge? My immediate thought is always "I dont want that in my belly...it will make me fat...if I can remove it, I wont gain..and I will have a clean slate"

Now, when I have this particular thought, I can counteract it with "its my UD...that food is part of my planned UD calories" and "Your DD tomorrow will balance it out" and "If you DO put on weight...its only water, and will soon come off"

I really feel I have a tool here I can use...and I think it can be used in many situations!

Also, thankyou Emky, for sharing that you have had the same problem...it IS a huge accomplishment to keep the food in...just to know that some else has been there helps enormously.

I am proud of myself for not behaving in my old ways...as Beeb put it "doing something other than I normally would to solve the problem"..I have juddd to thank for that, and I am very grateful!

I wasn't going to weigh this morning...but I figured that was cowardly...and not very helpful to my progress...if I dont learn how to cope with upward swings of the scale due to water weight, I am never going to have the normal, healthy attitude to food that I want.

So I stepped on...feeling pounds heavier...telling myself "it doesn't matter if you have put a few on!"....only to find I was 0.5lb DOWN!

So while my head was worrying and agitating, my body was just responding to juddd....and gave me a little loss!

I am so glad I didn't purge...and that I did weigh...or I would never have seen this.

Maybe next time I WILL gain a lb or 2...but, thanks to juddd...and everyone here, I feel a lot more able to cope!

you guys!

Jo
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Old 10-19-2011, 04:25 PM   #18
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And I never doubted your ability to get past this for 1 MINUTE!!

You are strong, and you are a JUDDDer! Those 2 things alone make you perfect in every way! Congrats on the loss!!
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Old 10-19-2011, 04:27 PM   #19
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^^So happy to hear it turned out well! I will keep this particular incident in mind if/when something like this occurs in my life.
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Old 10-19-2011, 05:10 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Joedi View Post
..........I wasn't going to weigh this morning...but I figured that was cowardly...and not very helpful to my progress...if I dont learn how to cope with upward swings of the scale due to water weight, I am never going to have the normal, healthy attitude to food that I want.

So I stepped on...feeling pounds heavier...telling myself "it doesn't matter if you have put a few on!"....only to find I was 0.5lb DOWN!

So while my head was worrying and agitating, my body was just responding to juddd....and gave me a little loss!

I am so glad I didn't purge...and that I did weigh...or I would never have seen this.

Maybe next time I WILL gain a lb or 2...but, thanks to juddd...and everyone here, I feel a lot more able to cope!..........
This just about made me cry. I'm really proud of you, Jo.

I think it's hard for a lot of us to be able to relax enough to trust that this plan will take care of us if we accept it, and then let it do it's work.

We have to trust that if we have set the correct calorie levels for Up & Down days and stick to them, JUDDD will work, and we can relax about it. We have to trust that just doing a DD will be enough to undo the calories from an UD. (There's where we have to have made sure we set our calorie numbers correctly... LOL) We have to trust that we can eat up to our UD calorie number and it's OK. We have to trust that despite some wild weight fluctuations on the scale, JUDDD is doing its thing, and over time, we're going to reach our goal. We have to trust that it's OK to enjoy the journey, delighting in the foods we get to eat along the way.

You did wonderfully well when it came down to trusting. I'm really happy to read this story this evening!
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Last edited by SoHappy; 10-19-2011 at 05:11 PM..
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Old 10-19-2011, 05:14 PM   #21
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Awesome, Jo!!
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Old 10-19-2011, 06:37 PM   #22
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woohoo!!!
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Old 10-19-2011, 06:41 PM   #23
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Jo,

I am rejoicing with you!!
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