BiPolar~ Because we need our own thread~

[Houston Heather]

Today has been going awesome. When I woke up, my hip flexor muscles were still sore from a workout a day ago. It would be hard to run, so I slept in. A half hour later DH came in and asked me if I wanted to run. He wanted to be my alarm clock and knows it's important. I thought that was very sweet.

When I got on the scale, the number: 196 did an awesome job of putting a stake in my depression. I checked it twice. I had a 5 pound whoosh overnight.

I will be diligent about my food today. It is awesome to see a reward for my workouts and clean eating. I'm doing them to get healthy but 200 pounds is not healthy for me.

I called my Mom (step) and got her opinion on "Do I look cute with short hair". I didn't want to make a decision to cut my hair based on brain chemicals. She was very supportive, saying sweet things like "You look cute now, too". I am doing it because I want something easier and cooler. Good. I'm clear on that. '

I had a bad habit, back in the day, of making drastic hair changes based on cycling moods. Nothing too bad but a lot of freaked out co-workers. One time I tried to dye it purple but it wouldn't take!

[CurveControl]

I did that too, Drastic hair changes on a whim!
these days I am happy with shoulder length so I can wear it up.

I am glad today is better for you!

[Racquel]

Heather -- I'm so sorry he treats you that way. But then one must wonder if we don't somehow (with mental illness) gravitate towards those that don't treat us well. Not saying you did but after my post yesterday I've had to take a long hard look at my own relationship. Some very helpful posts helped to open my eyes a bit to what I put up with.

OK, so I know I really screwed up when I had my major malfuction a couple weeks ago but I'm wondering if the issues as of late have really only been me. My head has been clear and my moods great since being back on treatment and now I'm seeing things I didn't before.

Last Tue I was sick but DBF went out. OK, no big deal ... quiet night to myself. He text me at 10:45 to say he was stopping for eats and would be home. Well, after getting a number of different stories from him I take off for a walk around 12:30 or so. I'd had one drink sitting here and that's all. He comes home around 12:45. I text to say I'd be back shortly (heard the truck) and he calls. I tell him where I'm at and he says "oh sure, right by XX's house" ... I try to explain that I'm hyper and taking a walk. He says he won't talk to me when I'm like this. Hello? I had 1 drink! I get home and he chews my ass for over an hour still maintaining that it was a super busy night, had to wait for food, order got screwed up, etc. Don't BS a BS'er ... especially when it's my usual night to work there, I KNOW how busy Tue is and I'm very good friends with the owner. She'd called me the next morning and I say "boy, bang up night huh?" ... she laughed and said yeah with DBF and one other person in? That morning he asks me to go to lunch. So I go, he says he feels about "this big" (holding fingers an inch apart) and swears it'll never happen again. Loves me and is sorry.

Sat night we go out with a friend who I told to stay over so he didn't have to drive after drinking. It's a great night and we all have a good time. We get home and friend goes into bathroom. DBF laughs and says "hmmm, think he's sick". Well, friend comes out and I start to open my mouth and DBF says "shut up". I stand up and go to bedroom. He's saying "honey, honey, I was just joking". Said it didn't sound like it which sent him into a tyraid. He goes to bed and I ask friend WTH? He says "I don't know, you didn't do anything".

Last night I had to work. Had asked him to watch DS for me. Calls me up and says "hey, if bro stops by could you have him bring me some beer?". OK, I've got absolutely no problem with that ... you want to have some beer at night I'm fine with it and he knows that. So I say "hmmm, did you actually call him and ask him to stop?". DBF says "well, I was just talking to him ...". OK, so just tell me that ... you know I don't really care. Like I said, don't try to BS me. Then I proceed to get the poor, pitiful me texts ... "I'm bored, blah, blah, blah". So I text "well, I'd much rather be home with you". I get a "yeah sure, have fun tonight" (sarcastic) texts. Then the texts get nasty and I finally get a "F off I know u like it when im here and ur there" message. Then he says why don't you just talk to my sister and BIL some more. So they come in and I'm like "hey, WTH did you say to him?" She says "nothing, he was complaining that he's stuck at home". So of course, we have a good laugh because she knows he tends to twist things. I call DS to say goodnight then get a "what? can't even talk to me" text. Um no, not when I'm super busy at work and you're being an a$$hat. Then by 11:45 he's calling to see what's up with the computer and is decent to me. Is then sending me jokes via text and laughing with me. I didn't say much this morning. So I text him this morning and ask WTH I did. He says nothing, it was that he was here and I was there ... that it was a hell day at work and he wanted to be out with me and that he was being stupid. I say ok, either you don't trust me or your jealous. He wrote back and said jealous then said stressed and tired of being broke.

Do we see a pattern here? Usually we go out together and most of the time we have a great time when we do. The rest of the time we get along beautifully ... we laugh a lot and it's always nice here. I know he loves me because he shows it many ways. But the only thing that keeps coming to mind is passive-aggressive behavior. I know he's jealous and trust me when I say that as we've grown together it's gotten much better than it used to be. I don't want to give up on this but at the same time I'm tired of wondering what it is I've done when he does this and I'm tired of apologizing for things that I don't even know what I'm apologizing for. I finally text him last night and said if you want me out of your life just say so ... that's when he sent the joke and was laughing with me. This morning I text and said you need to decide if you want this or not. He text back and said I do it's just that you were there and I was at home, just me being stupid, sorry.

So what say you all? Can this ever change or is it doomed?

[asizetobig]

Racquel- Sorry to hear things aren't going well. How long have you been with your DBF?

[Houston Heather]

I don't think you want advice from me!

But kind of sneak in the idea of couple's counseling. See how he reacts. We did get some counseling years back but I wasn't diagnosed or medicated at the time. I paid for it out of pocket.

It seemed really helpful for DH at least. It couldn't hurt to bring it up.

[Racquel]

Originally Posted by asizetobig

Racquel- Sorry to hear things aren't going well. How long have you been with your DBF?

7 months ... not long by most standards but still enough time invested that I don't want to just throw it away if it's something that can be helped. For the most part he really is a great guy but it's that other 5% that I just can't deal with.

He called at lunch today (does everyday to say hi) and apologized for being an a$$. I'm more hurt than I am mad. It never used to be like this. Told him next Tuesday I'd get a sitter for DS but he said not to and that it's alright. But I just don't know if I can trust that I won't have a repeat of last night. He promised that it wouldn't happen again. I told him that he's passive aggressive and that I just can't do it anymore. Told him that I'm tired of apologizing and not even knowing what it is I'm sorry for. It almost seems as though he turns things around on me. My mother did/does that to me and I swore nobody else ever would ... yet here I am. I know it can change I just don't know how to go about it. Told him no more or I'm done ... he said he's going to work on it but I'm not sure that when he gets into those moods if he even realizes what he's doing ... until after all is said and done.

I'm wondering now who really needs the meds?

[asizetobig]

Racquel- Maybe a long heart to heart talk with DBF will help... Good Luck !!!

[CurveControl]

Originally Posted by Racquel

7 months ... not long by most standards but still enough time invested that I don't want to just throw it away if it's something that can be helped. For the most part he really is a great guy but it's that other 5% that I just can't deal with.

He called at lunch today (does everyday to say hi) and apologized for being an a$$. I'm more hurt than I am mad. It never used to be like this. Told him next Tuesday I'd get a sitter for DS but he said not to and that it's alright. But I just don't know if I can trust that I won't have a repeat of last night. He promised that it wouldn't happen again. I told him that he's passive aggressive and that I just can't do it anymore. Told him that I'm tired of apologizing and not even knowing what it is I'm sorry for. It almost seems as though he turns things around on me. My mother did/does that to me and I swore nobody else ever would ... yet here I am. I know it can change I just don't know how to go about it. Told him no more or I'm done ... he said he's going to work on it but I'm not sure that when he gets into those moods if he even realizes what he's doing ... until after all is said and done.

I'm wondering now who really needs the meds?

R~
Couples counseling has gone a long way to helping DH and I deal with my BiPo and our relationship.
Would he go?

[Houston Heather]

Yup. I read that we tend to hook up with other mood disorders (depression, etc). It's sure true in my case!

Time to go workout so I don't hate myself in the morning.

I LOVE my new short hair. Love it. Even DH likes petting it - after checking to make sure I didn't "feel like a dog". No, I didn't.

[Racquel]

Originally Posted by CurveControl

Would he go?

I highly doubt it but I guess it doesn't hurt to ask. I know there's issues and I'm not ready to throw in the towel. He's jealous, he's very insecure, has a low self esteem, etc. So why do I stay with him right? I really, really care about the guy. Even with everyone I've done he's still here and willing to give me another chance when he very well could've bailed on me when the nuclear meltdown occurred. I know that the issue is alcohol because this only happens when he's drank too much or wants to go out and can't. Yeah, I know, that's a whole other issue.

I mean he really is a dream guy. He cooks me dinner, helps me clean the house, we take walks together, we laugh a lot (well, except during "those" times), I catch him just looking at me and smiling, calls me every day at lunch to say "hi", texts me "i luv u" for no reason, calls me sexy and overall I can just be myself with him. I honestly don't want to lose that and want to work on these issues. I've worked on me and am doing much better now.

[CurveControl]

Heather, I am glad you both like the hair cut. My best friend has female pattern baldness and says that keeping her hair short has helped, both with appearance and she feels like she is not losing as much as quickly as she did with longer hair because there are less tangles and less pulling/stress on the hair.

Rachel, It sounds like you do have a good foundation! I don't blame you for wanting to keep the good and work out the other crap!


I am more convinced every day my DD2 is BiPolar. I am so sad for her.

[Racquel]

Originally Posted by CurveControl

I am more convinced every day my DD2 is BiPolar. I am so sad for her.

Molly -- what about having her try a round of vitamins, minerals and EFA's? Couldn't hurt to at least give it a whirl. Everyday I take a round of vit C, multi-vit, EPO, B12, and Omega-3's. For the most part I eat pretty clean except that I'll make some broccoli/cheese poppers when I'm at work -- 2 nights a week. I've found that treating myself naturally with supplements works better than the drugs did. Don't get me wrong, the drugs worked but I hated the way I felt. I've got a huge creative bone and the drugs completely deadened that. That is a big part of me. I'd upload pics to show what my creative juices can do but have forgotten my password to photobucket and it's listed with an email addy I no longer have.

Last night was a good night. DBF was home with my DS and his DS 'n DD. Think he was going a bit nuts with them. But my psoriasis flared up again. I'm convinced that it was brought on by stress because it hit me bad right after the meltdown a couple weeks ago. It had finally almost cleared up and then yesterday I woke up with it really bad again. Hmmmm, could it have been the stress from Tuesday night? I mentioned it to him when he called today and he said "well, reduce your stress" ... I said "I could if you'd not cop an attitude with me". He laughed and said I was right. His sister and BIL came in last night. She said I need to start giving him some of my daily regimen.

[Racquel]

OK -- I just created a new account. Hopefully they'll be able to move my other photos or at least give me my password to the old one.

Anyhoooo -- here's a few pics of what I can do when the drugs don't have me so blah. Oh, and I can write too.

A cake I made for DS2's Blue and Gold Banquet:


And Blue and Gold Banquet cake for DS1's:


Then finally a small cake I made for my aunt and uncle when they got married. It was just for them and 6 family members thus it was small.

[CurveControl]

I know that the supps seem to be helping you, But I am not convinced that they are a cure. A good Idea? yes, But I have taken a Miltu, Vit E (for fibrocystic breasts) and Omega 3's since I started Atkins many years ago, and it did not affect my mood swings at all. Eating Clean has a good effect on me, But it does not keep me stable as I need to be. I do not see a BiPo 18 year old eating as clean as would be needed for even that much relief.

I have seen way too many people try to manage BiPo with anything BUT mood stabilizers, because taking psych meds means you are crazy and they do not want to be 'crazy'.

I am glad that they seem to work for you, But IMO supps do not control BiPo any better than they could control epilepsy. That is JUST my opinion, and each person has to do what they feel is right.
I hope I have not offended you, I do think there are many conditions that Supps are a fantastic treatment for, and often a better treatment than traditional prescription meds, But I won't risk my DD.

[CurveControl]

Very cool!
I get more creative in Hypomania, and do some of my best writing and decorating and creating when I am Manic or Hypo manic.

[cenicienta]

Originally Posted by CurveControl

I know that the supps seem to be helping you, But I am not convinced that they are a cure. A good Idea? yes, But I have taken a Miltu, Vit E (for fibrocystic breasts) and Omega 3's since I started Atkins many years ago, and it did not affect my mood swings at all. Eating Clean has a good effect on me, But it does not keep me stable as I need to be. I do not see a BiPo 18 year old eating as clean as would be needed for even that much relief.

I have seen way too many people try to manage BiPo with anything BUT mood stabilizers, because taking psych meds means you are crazy and they do not want to be 'crazy'.

I am glad that they seem to work for you, But IMO supps do not control BiPo any better than they could control epilepsy. That is JUST my opinion, and each person has to do what they feel is right.
I hope I have not offended you, I do think there are many conditions that Supps are a fantastic treatment for, and often a better treatment than traditional prescription meds, But I won't risk my DD.

I tend to agree with you. Any amount of supplements my mother took never helped her with her mood swings.

I think you're right about why people don't want to take psych meds. I remember when I first went on Zoloft, my husband attached a stigma to it (thought that I was turning into my mom). Now he himself is on Lexapro and it no longer is a stigma to him. Funny how that works, huh? I think that we both need some mood stabilizers though. I am starting to think that he maybe needs them more than me. I never know who is going to walk through the door when he comes home. He gets really irritated over things that most people (including myself) would shrug off. If toys are on the floor when he comes home from work, I just know he is going to turn ugly on the kids. He says some hurtful things to them. For example: I can't keep the house clean because you are always making a mess or I just cleaned out the van and now there is a ton of junk in it thanks to you kids. I always make a point of telling him to watch his tone right in front of the kids. I don't tell him to "shut up", but I make a point to say "Daddy" very sternly and scolding like to let him know that he is crossing the line. Hey, I don't want my kids growing up like I did, constantly being hounded and feeling about an inch tall with all of the hurtful things my mother said to me.

Then after all of this, he wonders why the kids never want to sit on his lap at night. All three of them want to be by me at night. Makes me feel good though that my kids love me so much even though I can lose it at times as well. When I lose it, however, I might get stern and crabby with them, but I will never blame them for anything like my husband does.

Anyhow, I have been feeling pretty "normal" for the last few days. I have been sleeping pretty well. Apparently I haven't been sleeping enough though since my husband came home last night and told me that my eyes looked very tired.

[Racquel]

Originally Posted by CurveControl

I hope I have not offended you, I do think there are many conditions that Supps are a fantastic treatment for, and often a better treatment than traditional prescription meds, But I won't risk my DD.

Not at all! The only reason I mentioned it is because it sounded as though she was not on meds. I know that many teens just don't see that they have a problem so will not seek treatment. That's all I meant by it.

Very true that they won't "cure" the BP but if I can control it to the best of my ability doing it naturally I need to give it a shot again. I'm very well aware that it could flare up again causing me to need the meds but given that they've worked in the past (until I quit taking them ) I'll do it as long as they continue to work. Maybe someday I will need to do the meds again and I will be more than willing to do so ... but not until it's necessary. So far now, DBF has promised to let me know if I begin to slip. If I ever do then it'll be off to the doc for me. But I do know that managing my symptoms with supps (at this time) works better than the meds did ... my head is actually clearer on the supps ... meds always gave me "brain fog" no matter which one they put me on and no matter the dosage. I just pray that the supps keep me level for a long time to come.

On a side note, a friend swears up and down that her hystorectomy "cured" her BP. She said it was miraculous ... had the hysto and BOOM no more BP or meds needed. Hmmmm, well ask her husband and friends about that so-called cure. NOT! I've watched her turn from lovey-dovey with him to sarcastic to screaming at him to laughing with friends and then back again. Over and over and over again in the course of a night. Last weekend we went to a grad party and the woman's sister was completely flipping out. Yep, unmedicated BiPo. I looked at DBF and said "boy, was I like that?". He says "nope ... you were worse hun ... see why I was ready to bale?". It actually made me very sad to think I'd treat him in the way she was acting. I vowed then and there (having seen it from someone else) that it'd never happen again. The only issue I struggle with now is when I do get irritated about something he asks if I took my supps. I've had to explain that even though my moods are level I am still allowed to have feelings and I'm allowed to have a voice. I don't yell, I don't fly off the handle, I don't get p!ssy and I don't have that loose, cutting tongue. But I am allowed to voice concerns and opinions in a calm manner. He's gotten better with realizing this. It's actually helped because we can sit down and talk now instead of me being a total loon and him getting defensive immediately.

[CurveControl]

Cencienta~Shortly after I started meds (In September, I am fairly new to treatment!) DH and I had a Tiff. He really had me pissed, and it was a legitimate thing not a "manic overreact" and he made a crack about needing more meds. I was quick to tell him that "I got Medicated NOT moved to Stepford" Then he got an ass chewing about NEVER EVER making med comments just because he dosn't agree with me, and he has been much better since then.

[CurveControl]

DD is on ADD meds right now. Speed and BiPo is not a good combo.

Her Pdoc is a weenie, and wants to stick w/ his ADD dx even though I KNOW living with her that she is BiPolar. No Doubt in my mind.

[CurveControl]

ITA~ it is so hard to get them to recognize that Angry is Angry, and if THEY can get angry so can WE!

[Racquel]

Originally Posted by CurveControl

DD is on ADD meds right now. Speed and BiPo is not a good combo.

Her Pdoc is a weenie, and wants to stick w/ his ADD dx even though I KNOW living with her that she is BiPolar. No Doubt in my mind.

Maybe it's time for a new doc. I had one once that when I tried to tell him the meds were really wacking me out he said to keep on them. The lower dose wasn't working so he bumped it up. I would lose words ... ie: pass me the green stuff because I couldn't remember the word lettuce. It got bad enough that I'd be in the middle of a conversation and just forget. I'd drop off mid-sentence and then couldn't even remember what we were talking about. Then one night I sat on the couch and was seriously out of it. I called and he told me to quit them and make another appt. Yes, quit cold turkey. By the next night I was literally pacing the kitchen ... for 2-3 hours. DH had me call the emergency line and thankfully they referred me to someone else who got me in ASAP. She put me on something else which worked for a while but then it was another trial and error.

I know that most wouldn't agree with the supps and I totally respect that. We all need to do what works for us as individuals. All I know is that DS has been with me since Tuesday and I haven't gotten mad or out of line once. It's been a great time. I'm sure that's been a good reprieve for him because when I'm not taking care of me I'm not a good mom. Sucks but it's true.

[CurveControl]

Yeah, ITA she needs a different doc. She has an appointment with a new doc, but not until the last week of July.