BiPolar~ Because we need our own thread~

[sweet&sugarfree]

Originally Posted by CurveControl

We have Special Brains, and Cool Thought processes, and Like any Superior Performace Creation we need special handling and additives to run at top performance.

I have never ever met anyone as creative, and fun as a (properly medicated)BiPo.

Molly You just made me feel like 800 million bucks!! Thank you!!!

[Houston Heather]

It's a good thing I read this, I need to take my Lithium.

Seriously, can you tell my hair is thinning? This picture was taken of me a couple days ago:



I don't know who the bald, blind bum is. It could be my husband.

I got a little sloppy on my medication times but I was getting the right AMOUNTS every day. I am just really bummed about my hair.

It was even worse because I got a sunburn, and I can see way too much bald, pink, scalp .

[magickal1]

i starting taking the biotin 10,000 mg a day so 2 capsules i know it will tak about 90 days to see results but i am hoping it will u should try it , lithuim does make ur hair fall out , thats why I wouldnt take it, but try the biotin along with a good muti vitamin...
i think im finally gettin stable after a few weeks of cycling bad......

[Houston Heather]

Thanks! I am thinking about cutting it short. Less work, no big handfulls of hair falling out, and less obvious bald spots. It's long enough that I could send a couple of ponytails to the cancer kids.

Pretty soon I'm gonna look like DH! It's only gotten obvious to me since I went up to 1,200 mg a day. DH and I don't want to stop the lithium 'cause it does an awesome job for me.

Worst case, I can get those "Do-rags" - a scarf you tie over your head. I see my doc in late July.

Sorry to be so obsessive but it's a lot bigger deal than I thought it would be. It's so obvious with the sunburn!

I hope things are nice and boring for ALL of us for the next while.

[Racquel]

Can I join this thread?

Hi ... BiPo with ADD and slight OCD with anxiety and some paranoia.

If anyone read my thread in the ML 2 weeks ago you'll know that I had a pretty severe bad manic episode. I'm not proud of it and am now living with the ramifications of my actions but honestly, I had NO control that day.

So here's my story -- I will apologize in advance for it being long but need to get it out with people who can understand. I can distinctly remember when it all hit me. My mother was having an affair when I was in 5th grade and I knew before even my dad did. I remember sitting in class thinking I was going to die. I tend to wonder if something in our pasts doesn't trigger this in the brain. I was always the "bad" kid ... bad grades, bad attitude, bad friends. Saw my first shrink in 7th grade. OD'd at 16 and instead of trying to find out what was wrong they put me on antidepressants and mom told me I was an embarrassment to the family and look how much money this little "stunt" cost her. Didn't know I was graduating until the morning of. I'd rather skip school and go to work early. Fast forward to 19, met a guy, moved in 2 months later, married 2 months after that. Abusive relationship and all I could see is that he was trying to alienate me from my family. He threatened to have me locked up and I eventually went to doc and was put on Lithium. I was a zombie but it gave me enough common sense to leave the marriage. Filed Monday and met ex #2 that Saturday. I went off the Lithium and was doing pretty good until I had DS2 and then my swings got bad. We bought an old Victorian and one afternoon within 15 minutes I'd ripped up the carpet and pulled down all the wallpaper in the living room. I had the whole house torn apart to remodel. But still there wasn't anything wrong.

We eventually moved after my parents did. Not sure why I still wanted to follow that ellusive dream of the perfect relationship with my mother. It all came to a head around 2002 or 2003 when I had to wait in the gyn's office for over an hour and had a total meltdown in her office. She made the call to the shrink and got me an emergency appt with therapist that afternoon. I was put on another round of meds and in therapy discovered that I have some serious issues with my mother and growing up the way I did. Hated my shrink and found another that was truly a life-saver. Everything seemed to be better but I still hated the way the meds made me feel so mid-2006 I started to research natural ways to deal with it. I started to eat totally clean and began a round of vitamins, minerals and EFA's. By Nov, with my docs approval, I weaned off all meds. That Oct I had brought DS back up to see his dad ... I spent the whole drive home crying and knew that we needed to come back. I needed to be away from my parents and I knew my marriage was over. We packed up and came home last summer. By fall we'd decided to seperate but he really is one of my best friends. We basically grew up together then eventually apart.

I was still eating clean and taking all my supplements. Then I met DBF, I moved to where I'm currently living, I started eating like crap around March, I stopped all supplements and drinking a lot. He's tried to tell me something was wrong ... funny that I didn't see it. It all came to a head 2 weeks ago. I had his b-day party planned for 8PM. He decided that morning that we were going out of town and wouldn't drive so we drove with his sis and BIL. He promised we'd be back by 5. Well, we spent the afternoon drinking beer and I changed to mixers. We didn't get home until after 7. I don't remember leaving the original place we were but I remember pulling into 2nd bar. I don't remember leaving there ... next thing I remember I was in my bathroom doing my makeup. I've also been told about something I did in car on way home but have NO recollection of it. Then we were at b-day party and by 10:30 I was ticked again cuz DBF took off with my car. Well, all he did was run his brother to our house. I WENT OFF and didn't let him explain. I grabbed my keys and took off. The next think I remember was being in a field, trying to get out then my airbags going off. DBF had to come get me and I was still so mad at him. I think I was still mad that my mother cancelled her trip to come see me that weekend. I backhanded him and the WRONG thing to say to someone manic is "is that all ya got?". Uh no, I either fractured or dislocated the knuckle on right hand. He had to restrain me ... I was totally out of control. Both my wrists/arms were completely bruised. He apologized but I know it had to be done. He said what hurt him most is that when he'd move near me that night I flinched. Said he never wants to see that and never wants to see me that out of control again. Hmmmm, I don't ever want to see him that mad again either. My manic states have moved from on top of the world to total rage. Needless to say, it was a horrible night. He told me he hated me. The next morning he left and I spent the day beating myself up. Then it hit me ... I knew what had changed. In my quest to lose weight I'd stopped eating and when I did it was junk or bar food. My blood sugar was way out of whack. I'd stopped all supplements. He came home and we talked. He told me he'd give me a few days but if things didn't change he was gone. I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach I went back on treatment that night and have been eating clean since. I went back to look at where I went off road and there's no reason I should be living right now. There's no reason I shouldn't have rolled my car ... no seatbelt on and it's a convertible. Needless to say I've been without a car for 2 weeks now and I have nobody to blame but me. I honestly believe my uncle was riding with me and gave me a serious wakeup call. I also had to admit to myself that when it comes to booze I am very much an alcoholic. That was the hardest thing to do because I never wanted to be my father. I come from alcoholics on both sides of the family. I hate that part of me.

The past 2 weeks have been MUCH better. I started to slightly swing manic the other day and was able to talk myself down. I can rationalize when my head is clear. DBF has (thankfully) stuck with me. He reminds me to eat and take my supplements. He keeps me in line but the one issue we have now is that he makes BiPo comments when I do get a bit upset. I remind him that I'm allowed feelings but I'm not swinging ... I'm a rapid cycler to the fullest extent where I can swing within minutes. He offered to eat better just to help me. We have laughed and talked more in the past 2 weeks than in the past 2 months. I've had to learned to laugh at myself recently and I've had to explain and apologize to a lot of people.

Today he left for fishing and was supposed to bring me smokes back ... he didn't ... he forgot. There was a day recently that I'd have gotten really pissy and chewed his ass. Not today, I laughed it off and told him to have a good day. I still get manic but I think it's the ADD brain kicking in. Half a Ritalin calms me right down. I've had absolutely no rage in the past 2 weeks. I've had no mood swings.

One thing most people don't realize is that I honestly can't control my tongue or actions when off treatment. It's like something takes over. But my biggest issue is booze. We went out the other night and my normal night is beer (which I am absolutely fine with ... no issues) then switching to liquor. I didn't realize that I was sitting there wringing my hands until DBF said something. He said "honey, I'm here with you. Have 1 and have her make it weak". I did and then I switched to just soda. I WILL NOT let it control me. That Saturday is pretty much a blank. I only remember bits and parts from about 5 until bar-time. I hate that feeling. I hate being out of control. I hate not remembering things I did.

So that's it. I'm sorry it was so long but I really don't have anyone to talk to. Can't even tell anything to my mom because she again got pissed at me 2 weeks ago and hung up on me. I wouldn't tell her anyways because I don't need the lecture I'd get. Sadly, all I want to do is say "look, you married an alcoholic and managed to also raise one" but that would serve no good. I just thank God every day that DBF is still here because with him I can truly be myself.

[Houston Heather]

Wow! You got lucky! I am so, so glad you came back! I was worried about you after your post!

It's great that DBF is still in the picture. I get the anger when I'm manic now too. It starts out with lots of talking, spending, then it goes to paranoia, then anger. Fortunately, I can whack a mania with another lithium.

I just got back from vacation so I've been a little sloppy with my pills. I just took them, in fact.

Like you, I notice that my moods are a lot better when I'm eating smart. If I eat crap, I feel like crap. I remember one day in particular. I'd been running depressed. I felt better and decided to eat some ice cream (with sugar). Within 20 minutes I went straight to suicidal.

That was bad.

[Racquel]

The other thing I've had to realize is that I have some pretty severe issues with my mother. I've had to work through those and decide that it's best I just not talk to her much. When she starts to lay into me or criticize I need to cut the conversation off. It doesn't go over well when I stand up to her (ya know, breaking that dance of anger) and she usually hangs up on me anyway. Instead of it making me mad I look at it as "hey, don't need to listen to that anymore".

It's funny to look at the whole thing. First ex told me she treated me like crap. I thought he was trying to alienate me from family. Second ex on more than one occasion told her how she treats me isn't fair. More than once we've gone without speaking for months due to that. Then dad would call to say she missed my kids. Most recently DBF wanted her email addy so he could write to her ... why? Because he see's how I am when I get off the phone with her.

She was to be here the weekend of the major meltdown. Was supposed to be staying with her friend but then supposedly friend was moving out of state that day. Friend #2 hadn't returned her call. I'm like just come stay with me and we'll spend some time shopping and stuff. The morning she was to be taking off she text me to say she was too depressed to come up. OK, I can understand that ... thought she and dad were fighting again. Then calls me that afternoon to say friend #1 wasn't moving ... had just run her brother home in another state. Then says friend #2 called back and said she could've stayed there. THEN she was upset that she didn't come up. You'd think at 38 I'd stop chasing that dream of the great mother daughter relationship. I think I've gotten to that point. OTOH, had she come I'd have never spent the day getting cranky. I wouldn't have taken off and I firmly believe it happened for a reason. I believe that in all bad comes good. I needed the slap in the face. I really think that whole thing played a big part in that episode though. The whole time we lived near them we saw them only every few months ... a bit more in the summer. They were always too busy. Funny how she's not too busy to run to spend the day with SIL. Funny how they can spend the weekend at my brother's who lives further away than we did. I am the blacksheep ... always have been ... always will be. I have stopped trying to gain her approval because it'll never happen. I'm the uneducated, twice divorced girl who's son's live with their dad's. I am the one who still drives the sports car ... well, not right now. I am the one who loves life and will grow older but won't grow up. Little brother is the highly educated professional (no kids) with the huge 5 bedroom (expensively decorated) home driving his 2 high brand cars. But ya know what? I am me ... I don't need to put on airs like they do. Accept me for who I am or don't.

[Racquel]

Originally Posted by Houston Heather

Wow! You got lucky! I am so, so glad you came back! I was worried about you after your post!

It's great that DBF is still in the picture. I get the anger when I'm manic now too. It starts out with lots of talking, spending, then it goes to paranoia, then anger. Fortunately, I can whack a mania with another lithium.

I just got back from vacation so I've been a little sloppy with my pills. I just took them, in fact.

Like you, I notice that my moods are a lot better when I'm eating smart. If I eat crap, I feel like crap. I remember one day in particular. I'd been running depressed. I felt better and decided to eat some ice cream (with sugar). Within 20 minutes I went straight to suicidal.

That was bad.

Thankfully, he's stuck with me. He'd told me to not expect him to be all nicey nice and it broke my heart because I knew I'd seriously screwed up. But it's back to "come sit by me honey" ... I love you's and kisses.

I have paranoia too and I hate it. I always used to think people were talking about me ... out to get me. I used to think I'd see things so my doc put me on schizo meds. Those were NOT fun. I still see things out of the corner of my eye but I like to believe that it's my guardian angel looking out for me. The paranoia hits once in a while. Like when DBF goes out without me and I sit here obsessing that he's with someone else. I have to talk myself down and realize that he'd never hurt me ... he tells me every day he loves me and he shows it daily that he's with me and only me.

Right now I'm just glad to be alive. Someone must've been riding with me because like I said, there's no reason my car didn't flip that night. I was given a second chance and I won't mess it up.

[CurveControl]

Raquel, Is your Mother BoPo?

[Racquel]

Originally Posted by CurveControl

Raquel, Is your Mother BoPo?

No -- she's very much a control freak. Her way or the highway. Unhappy in her marriage ... always has been ... she gets very depressed. Growing up I was the doormat so to speak. Every little detail of their problems was layed on me ... I know more than what a daughter should know. My therapist in high school said my relationship with my father was more like emotional incest. Where I did no wrong, could do what and wear what I wanted my mother on the other hand couldn't ... this was from my father. She grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother who ran around. She was left to raise her siblings. Making coffee at age 5 and at 3 was left with the baby and told not to touch him. She portrays things to the outside world as her life is perfect ... always had a good job, a brand new house, brand new high end car, the best furnishings, big fancy boat, etc. My brother is the same way. They both look down on people ... especially me. When I go back for family things I revert right back to age 5.

My father on the other hand ... he would be the BiPo one. He's an alcoholic. He's moody. But I also tend to wonder if some of the moodiness doesn't stem from my mother. She barks and commands. An example -- I called one day to see if she could shorten some pants for DS. Now a rational person would've said "yes, I can but it'll be a little while because I've got a lot going on right now". Right? Nope! Not mom. What I heard was "WELL, I can't just drop everything and do it right this minute". She barked it at me! She'll need dad to take something outside. Instead of "hey hun, would you mind blah blah blah" it's "do you THINK you could get this out of here one of these days" with a nasty look on her face. The funny thing is that when I'm not on treatment and taking care of myself I talk the same way ... short, rude and curt. I detest that about myself.

I want to go back to school ... that's the issue I'm struggling with right now because it needs to be something on the creative side. My mind was not made to sit at a desk answering phones all day. I can't even tell her because I'll get a lecture on how I've never finished anything. In a conversation a couple weeks ago I said "can you believe I'm in a 5 at 147 pounds" ... she said very matter of factly "no, I can't". If she compliments it's followed by a dig. For example, told her my loss so far is around 90-95 pounds. Her response? "That's great. I just hope you keep it off this time". The past 2 weeks not talking to her has been very peaceful but at the same time makes me feel so guilty. Trying to live up to her expectations was emotionally draining. Nothing I ever did was ever good enough. I've tried to talk to her about it. I've tried to tell her that the way I grew up hurt me. She says I need to stop being jealous of my brother and I need to stop living in the past. It's hard to stop living "with" the past as it has defined me. When I stopped doing the little dance with her and started speaking up things seemed to get worse. Usually when I voice my opinion I get hung up on no matter how diplomatic I try to be. My personal opinion is that even though she has everything she could ever want she's jealous of me. I left an unhappy marriage and I am truly happy now. I ain't got a pot to p!ss in and I'm barely scraping by but I actually like me. I've got a DBF (of whom she'll change the subject if I bring him up ) who treats me (for the most part) like gold. When she found out I smoked it was "well I never did THAT". Well, I do, deal with it. I think the other thing is that when she looks at me she see's my father and she see's my aunt which I'm a lot like. She can't stand her sister.

[Houston Heather]

Wow.

My birth mother was my boogeyman. Married seven times, lost 2 children, constant drinking and suicide attempts, she wasn't diagnosed until her 40's. By then, she was such a hard-core alcoholic that she couldn't stop. I believe the drinking cancelled out her pills. My sister says she wasn't always consistent with them, either.

At any rate, my whole life, I heard "Don't drink or you'll end up like your mother." "Your mother is in rehab again, don't take anything stronger than a tylenol". I learned at a very early age about broken promises and expectations (don't have any).

My dad had custody. He would allow her to have me for a Saturday, as long as she got me back by dinner, when she was stable and sober. I saw her maybe 6 times between age 2 and age 9. At age 10 she stabilized somewhat and I got to see her every Saturday for a few months. Another relapse and I didn't hear from her for years.

In the meantime, my Stepmom, who is raising me, has 2 bipolar kids to deal with, her youngest and me. We were not diagnosed until years later. Poor Mom.

It sounds awful but I will ask myself "Do I want to end up like my Mother?" when considering drinking (I don't), anything stronger than a tylenol, and skipping medication.

I have been sick to my stomach all day from my pills but I'm about to take my night-time dose. I don't want to go off the rails.

Oh, and my birthmother. They found her dead in a motel room 6 years ago. She was living out of her car and about to move in with my sister. It wasn't until the autopsy that we realized it was natural causes (heart attack). We were all convinced it was suicide. I can't think of anything sadder than that.

"A heart attack? Really? I thought she killed herself!"

[CurveControl]

My parents lives are nutty too, But in different ways. I think my Dad is the BiPo, he is an alcoholic. But my Mom's lupus cased a lot of brain issues and psychosis.

[Houston Heather]

DH is being a total butt pain today. UGH.

Sometimes I want to yell at him and tell him to leave me alone, damnit. I feel suffocated.

I always saw "caregiver burnout" as a dramatic "going up in flames" deal. I realize now it's more of a quiet suffocation.

I took everything today, etc. I took a nap, all my supplements, I'm just saying something I think often. It's especially bad when he gets an attitude and then acts like a martyr because I can't jump to fill his need, whatever it is, immediately.

LEAVE ME ALONE, DAMNIT!

AGGH!

[Racquel]

Molly -- how ironic that you think your dad is BP and is an alcoholic ... mine too as I posted previously. I tend to wonder if it isn't a way to self-medicate. I think that's what I did when off treatment.

Heather -- sounds like you need to lock yourself in the bathroom ... draw a nice bath and relax with a book or magazine. That's usually what I do when I get totally stressed out.

Things are actually going well in my house. I think it helps that I've been in a better mood. Had an issue Saturday night but I was pretty much sober (after having been out all night) and DBF ... well, he was pretty blitzed. Told me to shut up when we got home. I got ticked and went to the bedroom. He was doing the "honey, honey, come here I was only joking". Told him whatever cuz it certainly didn't sound like it. Needless to say it resulted in a tiff and him passing out. Got up Sunday morning and apologized. Sadly, that happens more and more these days. Most days are good but there are some days I wonder what I stay.

[wifezilla]

I always saw "caregiver burnout" as a dramatic "going up in flames" deal. I realize now it's more of a quiet suffocation.

Yup. That's about right. Usually I get along great with my son, but some days he drives me up the wall. My friend says it is because my ADD sometimes conflicts with his autism. Those are days I tell his dad to take him with him on errands

[Houston Heather]

Oh, you'll love this. I went in the bathroom and SHUT THE DOOR. I started taking a shower. He followed me in and kept talking to me musing/questioning - doing his whole "What is reality/why does God?" bit.

I told him I wanted time alone and he KEPT TALKING TO ME. Later on, he called me a "Fat psycho retard" so I'm pretty pissed at him right now. He sees nothing wrong with that behavior.

Ugh. I am sleep deprived and overdosed on caffeine. Thank God I am taking my pills and getting my exercise. He keeps acting like when he "needs" me, I have to jump up and do it, even though he can do 70% of the stuff on his own, and 25% of the stuff can wait.

Now I have to go fix his long white cane, when what I really want to do is.....

[sweet&sugarfree]

Heather I am sorry about your hair, you and dh are cute together!!
Hi Racquel hi! Sending you lots of hugs!!!
Hi Molly!!

I am feeling well. I made an appointment with the good doctor next Tuesday. I talked with some of my friends last night about what I've been going through and my friend Beth was like well your not always 100% but we still love you ups and downs. That makes it easier because I am only really social when I feel up. When your down you dont want anyone to know and that only makes it worse. Isolation is not really helpful when I am depressed.. Hope everyone has a good Tuesday i have to work..

Love you all,
Molly

[CurveControl]

Raquel~ Yes I do think that many BiPo drink to self medicate. Often it starts as something to slow things down so we can sleep and progressed to full blown alcoholism. I know alcoholism is genetic, but I often wonder how many started out with genetic BiPo and drank themselves into alcoholism.


The last time my DH told me to SHUT UP I did. For over a month. I was That mad.

Heather I am so sorry your hubby thought it was ok to call you that!!
Do you have a caregivers support group? even an on line one might help!

I think DD2 is BiPo. She has done some really bizzare crap this week, with possibly long term consequences.

[wifezilla]

I often wonder how many started out with genetic BiPo and drank themselves into alcoholism

Alcoholics are often self-medicating bipolars. I don't think the drinking starts it, but they may start drinking because of some of the symptoms. I am sure it doesn't HELP things, but I think brain wiring/genetics is more likely the cause.

[CurveControl]

I agree Wifezilla, The drinking starts so the BiPo can self medicate and just gets worse.

[Racquel]

Heather -- I'm sorry he said that to you. Seems rather cruel to me.

I read recently that there's new research suggesting BP is a form of epilepsy. They are thinking that it's a seizure deep in the brain that can't be read with the current technology. That would make sense seeing how BiPo's can turn on a dime.

[CurveControl]

Originally Poste