HCG and food/diet/body issues, working with the inner self.

[nola baxter]

Hi All

I am opening this thread for people who are struggling with non-physical aspects of the diet;
emotional reasons for eating or non-eating,
food hang-ups, body hang-ups, weight hang-ups, diet and food struggles,
or whatever it is that is the issue.

Mini and I have been discussing some of these things on the exercise thread and we thought we would take it off the exercise thread and make it its own topic for discussion.

For many of us food, diet, and body issues are entangled in painful emotional patterns- and it can be helpful to talk about it and hopefully enable support,
sympathy and insights!

[lunagirl704]

Hi Nola...thanks for starting this thread. Dieting is a way of life and even though medically I don't need to lose weight (normal bmi and just 10lbs over ideal weight) I diet because it gives me something to focus on, so other things in life...stresses and joys even...don't matter. When I look at photos I think, 'oh I weighed x there.' I suffered from ED when I was younger, so most of my life has been caught up in these obsessive thoughts, jumping from one plan to another...and ultimately I am only gaining and losing the same 5-7lbs. I could eat what I want at my current weight and easily maintain...The irony is not lost on me.

[minimonkey]

Luna -- I do the exact same thing with photos -- sadly, I can tell you almost exactly what I weighed at most points in my life.

You (Luna) read my little meltdown earlier today over my bigass gain with the attempt at p3 -- Nola, no doubt you'll read it as well -- and I a running screaming back to p2 immediately! I did one last p3 meal this morning (which is all I will eat today) -- and I am going protocol tomorrow with the hhcg, and will just switch to the real hcg when it arrives.

I am going through the most challenging semester of my entire, very long academic career right now, and I feel like I am drowning and failing on so many fronts (I'm not, but it is a critical time with a lot at stake, and I could fail easily if I don't stay on top of things) -- and I absolutely cannot bear feeling as if I am on the verge of losing all the progress I've made with weight loss.

So, it is back to extreme dieting for me, and I will try to stay present with the feelings as I go. I won't engage in any bizarre ED behaviors, I promise... (aside from the hcg protocol, which is honestly close to being disordered if one makes a lifestyle out of it.... )

I think something is way off in my body -- I'm going to cycle off my hormones for a week, and see where that gets me -- and just be very, very clean with the diet.

Unlike you, Luna, I don't think I could maintain at this weight without effort -- at least not right now... my body seems to like hovering at around 122-125 -- at that weight, I can pretty much maintain eating anything and everything -- but I really dislike my body at that weight.

[lunagirl704]

Mini- I'm sure the stress isn't helping matters either! Do what you need to to ease your mind...the scale will follow. I 'found' hcg because I thought it would be the "be all end all" to these ups and downs...But lol it's not working for me! Go figure. If I was not hungry at all and losing .5-1 lb per day like some I wouldn't be here...I'd be shopping! I am so glad I found this community though...It makes me feel less alone.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by lunagirl704

Hi Nola...thanks for starting this thread. Dieting is a way of life and even though medically I don't need to lose weight (normal bmi and just 10lbs over ideal weight) I diet because it gives me something to focus on, so other things in life...stresses and joys even...don't matter. When I look at photos I think, 'oh I weighed x there.' I suffered from ED when I was younger, so most of my life has been caught up in these obsessive thoughts, jumping from one plan to another...and ultimately I am only gaining and losing the same 5-7lbs. I could eat what I want at my current weight and easily maintain...The irony is not lost on me.

Hi Luna

I am glad you are joining us.
I think for those of us who diet like this, controlling our diet and weight is a way of trying to control and run away from our painful usually-buried emotions.

You are lucky at least- I cant eat what I want and maintain- for me it ends up as gain, as with Mini.
And like Mini, I have gained lately even when adhering to a diet that theoretically should not make me gain!

For me , this has triggered a lot of painful emotions, and though a part of me wants to control and shut down those painful emotions by trying another diet tactic to lose the weight;
the other part of me realises that that is only a temporary solution at best (assuming I could even make it work and lose the weight),
and that these feelings will always come back to me in some way or other.

So right now, I am trying to work through the negative feelings that are coming up, and clear them.
Sometimes I feel like I am getting somewhere, but I no sooner clear one thing and feel a bit better, than another comes up behind it and I am sunken in a morass of overwhelming negative feelings again!

However I am coming to see that it is at that point of overwhelm, and when the feelings get very intense (the exact point when you want to jump ship and go on a diet again to alleviate the feelings);
that you can be close to breaking through something..

I was talking to a friend this morning, and she is going through similar;
she said for her it is like approaching a wall, and we want to turn away,
but she is saying to herself, "dont turn away, just keep going through it, dont turn back or away from it!"

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

Luna -- I do the exact same thing with photos -- sadly, I can tell you almost exactly what I weighed at most points in my life.

You (Luna) read my little meltdown earlier today over my bigass gain with the attempt at p3 -- Nola, no doubt you'll read it as well -- and I a running screaming back to p2 immediately! I did one last p3 meal this morning (which is all I will eat today) -- and I am going protocol tomorrow with the hhcg, and will just switch to the real hcg when it arrives.

I am going through the most challenging semester of my entire, very long academic career right now, and I feel like I am drowning and failing on so many fronts (I'm not, but it is a critical time with a lot at stake, and I could fail easily if I don't stay on top of things) -- and I absolutely cannot bear feeling as if I am on the verge of losing all the progress I've made with weight loss.

So, it is back to extreme dieting for me, and I will try to stay present with the feelings as I go. I won't engage in any bizarre ED behaviors, I promise... (aside from the hcg protocol, which is honestly close to being disordered if one makes a lifestyle out of it.... )

I think something is way off in my body -- I'm going to cycle off my hormones for a week, and see where that gets me -- and just be very, very clean with the diet.

Unlike you, Luna, I don't think I could maintain at this weight without effort -- at least not right now... my body seems to like hovering at around 122-125 -- at that weight, I can pretty much maintain eating anything and everything -- but I really dislike my body at that weight.

Hi Mini

Okay I read yesterdays post, where you were up to 107.8 (or something), which seemed actually ok, all things taken into account;
and now todays!

I can fully and completely imagine how you are feeling. I know all these feelings myself and have been having them over the past weeks/days etc.
(and many times over the years).
And the shock, and the feeling of I dont deserve this, and its not fair, and the horrible sinking feeling that you have to go on a diet again,
and shut down the bodies natural desire for food and hunger satisfaction;
and that it shouldnt have to be like that, in some part of ourselves it feels wrong and like a punishment.. and why?!

And I can understand why you want to quickly go back into control mode and get on a strict diet to make sure you lose that weight!
I was feeling exactly the same this morning, upon seeing clearly the weight I have gained, and having all the negative emotions arise as a result.

I have got no solutions!
Only full sympathy.

I started tapping on myself (EFT) and repeating phrases that came to me.
This morning it started off with feeling digusting, shameful, full of loathing, heartbroken, etc.. and came round to feelings of ;
my body is disgusting, shameful, needs to be covered and stay hidden,
my body needs to be hidden! (under layers of fat?)
I dont want to feel or be in my body, I dont want to feel or see my body, it feels too disgusting and shameful, I want to separate from my body, I dont want to know about my body,
and so on..

I felt some levels of clearing-
especially when I got to the bits about the body being shameful and needing to be hidden and covered (because there is something bad and wrong about it);
and the bits about wanting to not feel or see my body, and feeling so bad in it and about it, that I wanted to separate from it and disjoint myself from it,
or kill it!
I didnt get any full memory recall, just impressions about my mother and her suppressive attitudes towards the body, and it needing to be covered and hidden like it was something shameful and disgusting.

I felt it was only partial clearing though- I didnt get the full lightness of feeling and release that you get when you have really hit the bottom of something.

Yesterday I tapped on the negative feelings I was having, heartbreak, sadness, loathing etc.. and it somehow came round to the control issue;
and needing to control the body,
and what would happen if i didnt control the body, and that I had to control the body,
and that it was terrifying to not control the body,
that I had to control the body or be punished,
and that I absolutely had to control the body no matter what..

Again, I got some degree of clearing but it didnt feel complete.
I got impressions of my mother and potty training..lol..
But I felt there was more I didnt hit yet.

I had a long talk to my friend , and we agreed that the answer was not jumping on a diet,
but a part of me wants to , and is afraid of what will happen if I dont,
will I keep gaining?
But for now, I am still going with the flow, and following the feelings.

I am starting to see what my next tap will be around! :
"even though I must go on a diet,
even though I absolutely must go on a diet because I am not allowed to face these feelings-
( or because I dont want to feel like this- or because these feelings are too scary and too big),
even though I must control these feelings,
even though I absolutely cant face these feelings..

oh joy..

Hang in there Mini,
whatever you choose to do.

[icecreamjunkie]

Originally Posted by nola baxter

Hi Mini


I started tapping on myself (EFT) and repeating phrases that came to me.
This morning it started off with feeling digusting, shameful, full of loathing, heartbroken, etc.. and came round to feelings of ;
my body is disgusting, shameful, needs to be covered and stay hidden,
my body needs to be hidden! (under layers of fat?)
I dont want to feel or be in my body, I dont want to feel or see my body, it feels too disgusting and shameful, I want to separate from my body, I dont want to know about my body,
and so on..

What is EFT?

I totally can relate to all of the feelings and think that my weight issues stem on both ends of the scale..."nobody will love me unless I am skinny"....."if i am obese, gross and ugly no one will hurt me again" I have seesawed with this for ALL of my adult life!!! I am now trying to lose the weight for good this time....get back to my healthy self all while trying to heal myself. I know it is going to be a long and slow process for both...but if I don't work on myself on the INSIDE...I won't need to worry about the outside...I will go crazy and never be happy or content!

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by icecreamjunkie

What is EFT?

I totally can relate to all of the feelings and think that my weight issues stem on both ends of the scale..."nobody will love me unless I am skinny"....."if i am obese, gross and ugly no one will hurt me again" I have seesawed with this for ALL of my adult life!!! I am now trying to lose the weight for good this time....get back to my healthy self all while trying to heal myself. I know it is going to be a long and slow process for both...but if I don't work on myself on the INSIDE...I won't need to worry about the outside...I will go crazy and never be happy or content!

Hi

Yep, I know a lot of those feelings!

EFT is a simple method of tapping on a few accupressure points, while repeating phrases that are relevant to your current feelings or situation that you are wanting to deal with or change.

It helps to open up the energy circuits, and unveil deeper emotions, feelings,
core beliefs and thoughts, and events that are connected to the issue at hand .
(Thats how I would describe it anyway- others might have a different experience, or way of putting it).

There are long and short variations of EFT and many sites that will tell you about it,
here are a few sites;
How to Do EFT Tapping | Tapping Points Using EFT Short Cut
TapIntoHeaven.com - EFT Tapping Charts
EFT Shortcut, EFT Tapping Points, EFT Training

There are several u-tubes demonstrating it too- google it if you are keen!

[icecreamjunkie]

Thank you!! I will have to check those sites!!

[star a.d.]

it's definitely weird for me to suddenly have so much less of my "protective layer". I need to start using my words. the past week or so, suddenly people are noticing that I've lost weight, and I'm trying not to let my mind go "AAAAA, MUST...BE...UNNOTICEABLE! GIMME PEANUT BUTTER ON 100 CRACKERS, STAT!"

and it's doubly weird since I feel a bit more comfy in my skin. I'm insane when it comes to this stuff. I'm not sure how to deal with it.

a friend of mine, my dieting buddy since college (still dieting together even though she now lives on the opposite side of the world, hehe) said that her therapist said it's really important to work on the issues that kept you heavy so that when you lose weight, they don't come out in other ways. eep.

anyway, I had a day of somewhat self-defeating eating (self defEATING), but managed to pull it back before I got to 950 calories. I can't believe I'm in rebellion mode and I hate it.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by star a.d.

a friend of mine, my dieting buddy since college (still dieting together even though she now lives on the opposite side of the world, hehe) said that her therapist said it's really important to work on the issues that kept you heavy so that when you lose weight, they don't come out in other ways. eep.

.

I think what the therapist said was true,
and of course the other way the issues might come out is through unwittingly regaining the weight again!

[star a.d.]

Originally Posted by nola baxter

I think what the therapist said was true,
and of course the other way the issues might come out is through unwittingly regaining the weight again!

TOTALLY. there is definitely something to that.

rebellion mode rages on. just had some extra chicken.

[shelbyla]

Originally Posted by icecreamjunkie

I totally can relate to all of the feelings and think that my weight issues stem on both ends of the scale..."nobody will love me unless I am skinny"....."if i am obese, gross and ugly no one will hurt me again" I have seesawed with this for ALL of my adult life!!!

Hmmmm...I read that and felt VERY uncomfortable. To the point of "the first part I get...but the second part...no way...that's SOOOO not me..." I think I need to look at that a little more closely. Anything that provokes that strong of a negative reaction seems like something where there might be a block...

[minimonkey]

Shelby -- I totally hear you with the discomfort -- that is exactly the reaction that I had when I read Nola's first set of tapping phrases! It made me realize it must be hitting home.

Nola, thank you for the very, very supportive post!!!! That really helped me feel less alone in my frustration and fear. Shelby, thank you, too, for sharing your experience with gaining on this p3 -- I don't understand it, really. I know a lot of it has to be water, but it is still freaking me out.

I did stick it out through a p3 day today, and I think I am going to do a steak day (a hamburger, actually, since there is one with my name on it in the fridge) tomorrow and see where that gets me.

If it turns things around, maybe I'll try alternating clean eating with correction days, and see if that works. If not, I am probably going back on hhcg, and going protocol.

I think I am going to keep my posting to this thread only for the time being -- I don't know what I want to do, and I need to figure that out -- and only I can figure that out -- but processing out the emotions is helpful with that.

I've fought so hard for every pound I've lost this round... I am just not willing to let that all be undone in a matter of a couple of weeks.

[minimonkey]

Well, dilemma mostly solved -- my hcg has shipped and should be here Monday. I am going to give my best shot at doing this protocol -- if the hcg works, it shouldn't be difficult. If not, I suppose I am back to figuring out what to do.

[icecreamjunkie]

Originally Posted by shelbyla

Hmmmm...I read that and felt VERY uncomfortable. To the point of "the first part I get...but the second part...no way...that's SOOOO not me..." I think I need to look at that a little more closely. Anything that provokes that strong of a negative reaction seems like something where there might be a block...

Hello there Shelby! Not totally sure I follow...do you mean "I" might have a block there?....

My issues start as early as HS...EVERY relationship I have had has been a bad one...whether mentally or emotionally abusive to I dare say all but one has ended because of infidelity. December I was planning a wedding....went to surprise him on a monday and found him in bed w/ an old HS friend.....story of my life!

I actually went to my doc for the HCG and he has been helping me through this more than anything! Too bad he doesn't take insurance!

[SueQ]

Hi All,

I'm kind of new here. I'm on my 2nd round of HCG and have been dieting since March of last year. I lost about 40 lbs with regular dieting and didn't introduce HCG until Sept. I've lost 79 lbs so far, another 20 or so to go.

I love the idea of this thread. The emotional part of losing weight has been critical for me,so much so that I started a blog too just because I needed an outlet for all the stuff going on in my head during the process. When the overeating was removed as a coping mechanism for me, I had to find something to replace it.

Has anyone read the book or done a Heal Your Life workshop? That made a big difference for me, but it wasn't easy either.

I don't know if we are allowed to link in our blogs on this forum, so I'll just post in a paragraph from one entry I made in Sept called "Fat is not stored energy" that was a a crucial point of healing for me, in case any one else relates to it.

Fat for me is not simply stored energy. It is stored grief, anger, resentment and shame. This is not a theory. I have experienced significant weight loss after significant emotional healing accomplished only through facing emotions that I did not know were there. Through recognizing my own feelings of unworthiness. And it wasn't until I began to forgive myself, through an intense process of looking at a photo of myself as a young child and writing letters of love and forgiveness to that child, that I began to release the weight. After the first 50 pounds, I feel lighter not just in my physical body. I feel like I take up less space on the planet, and I can honestly feel the slimming of the barrier between my spirit and other people. I feel very vulnerable, like I am transforming into a being who lives in a world with other people, who is accountable in relationships to other people. And it is scary. And it was happening to fast, and when I am barely coping with this new sensation, I couldn't imagine it going further yet. I wasn't ready. And guess what...........I stopped losing weight. While eating 600 calories a day. For me this is not only about what I eat. My body, mind and spirit are very in tune with what I perceive as the biggest need. And my spirit still wants some layers of protection.

[lunagirl704]

Good morning! I feel like all you wonderful ladies read my mind...I was up another lb this morning to 109. This, after a 'protein day' yesterday that consisted of egg whites and chicken with a little swiss chard. I cried on the way into work. I just feel so defeated, and hopeless. Why do I hate myself when the scale goes up? It was by no fault of mine...If the scale went down a few lbs, I would have been on top of the world. I worry about how this is affecting my 7 year old daughter. She is on the heavy side (but not really chubby if that makes sense, she's big boned like my dh) and I find myself getting angry when she doesn't fit into clothes or when she wants more food. She asks why I eat salad all the time and not the meal the family is eating...she she's seen me a number of times scowling at myself in the mirror, measuring my thighs etc. She's a happy, healthy girl and I don't want to f--- her up. I just hate this. My coworker is eating a bagel with cream cheese now and yapping about her weekend plans...and here I am thinking about how many oz of chicken to have on my salad, and the clothes in my closet that don't fit.

[lunagirl704]

Hi SueQ and welcome Fantastic post, and congratulations on your progress- emotionally and with the weight loss.

Originally Posted by SueQ

Hi All,

I'm kind of new here. I'm on my 2nd round of HCG and have been dieting since March of last year. I lost about 40 lbs with regular dieting and didn't introduce HCG until Sept. I've lost 79 lbs so far, another 20 or so to go.

I love the idea of this thread. The emotional part of losing weight has been critical for me,so much so that I started a blog too just because I needed an outlet for all the stuff going on in my head during the process. When the overeating was removed as a coping mechanism for me, I had to find something to replace it.

Has anyone read the book or done a Heal Your Life workshop? That made a big difference for me, but it wasn't easy either.

I don't know if we are allowed to link in our blogs on this forum, so I'll just post in a paragraph from one entry I made in Sept called "Fat is not stored energy" that was a a crucial point of healing for me, in case any one else relates to it.

Fat for me is not simply stored energy. It is stored grief, anger, resentment and shame. This is not a theory. I have experienced significant weight loss after significant emotional healing accomplished only through facing emotions that I did not know were there. Through recognizing my own feelings of unworthiness. And it wasn't until I began to forgive myself, through an intense process of looking at a photo of myself as a young child and writing letters of love and forgiveness to that child, that I began to release the weight. After the first 50 pounds, I feel lighter not just in my physical body. I feel like I take up less space on the planet, and I can honestly feel the slimming of the barrier between my spirit and other people. I feel very vulnerable, like I am transforming into a being who lives in a world with other people, who is accountable in relationships to other people. And it is scary. And it was happening to fast, and when I am barely coping with this new sensation, I couldn't imagine it going further yet. I wasn't ready. And guess what...........I stopped losing weight. While eating 600 calories a day. For me this is not only about what I eat. My body, mind and spirit are very in tune with what I perceive as the biggest need. And my spirit still wants some layers of protection.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by icecreamjunkie

My issues start as early as HS...EVERY relationship I have had has been a bad one...whether mentally or emotionally abusive to I dare say all but one has ended because of infidelity. December I was planning a wedding....went to surprise him on a monday and found him in bed w/ an old HS friend.....story of my life!

I actually went to my doc for the HCG and he has been helping me through this more than anything! Too bad he doesn't take insurance!

Ouch, that would have been pretty devastating?
I am glad the doc is helping.
It sounds like a bad repetitive cycle you have going there, I hope you find the key to break it.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

Shelby -- I totally hear you with the discomfort -- that is exactly the reaction that I had when I read Nola's first set of tapping phrases! It made me realize it must be hitting home.

Nola, thank you for the very, very supportive post!!!! That really helped me feel less alone in my frustration and fear. Shelby, thank you, too, for sharing your experience with gaining on this p3 -- I don't understand it, really. I know a lot of it has to be water, but it is still freaking me out.

I did stick it out through a p3 day today, and I think I am going to do a steak day (a hamburger, actually, since there is one with my name on it in the fridge) tomorrow and see where that gets me.

If it turns things around, maybe I'll try alternating clean eating with correction days, and see if that works. If not, I am probably going back on hhcg, and going protocol.

I think I am going to keep my posting to this thread only for the time being -- I don't know what I want to do, and I need to figure that out -- and only I can figure that out -- but processing out the emotions is helpful with that.

I've fought so hard for every pound I've lost this round... I am just not willing to let that all be undone in a matter of a couple of weeks.

Hi Mini

Yep, I have the same deal at the moment, it looks like months of hard work have been undone in a few weeks- and I havent even done anything to warrant it!
The only good part about it is nicer breasts!

But for you it may be only a small glitch and soon-to-be-gone water weight.

For me this whole deal is a turning out to be a big crisis, I feel like my life has coming crashing to the ground.
and I am still trying to see if there is a connection between the painful events I experienced around Xmas, and the triggering of this weight situation for me.
Or if the weight thing was going to happen anyway and it just hit all at once!
I cant fully see it yet.
The hope and expectation and good results that I was experiencing last year seem to have been completely annulled?
I keep thinking, how could I go from that situation to this, what has caused the change in tide;
or is it just "my time" to deal with some inner issues, and it was just meant to be regardless?

I read your post on the other thread about your academic crisis Mini, and the painful feelings you were experiencing with it,
and it set me wondering if it is similar for you and if the other external issues in your life are triggering and tying into the stasis and struggle in the weight arena.
ie, is the pain that is being triggered by one situation, causing the body and psyche to react by not losing weight/gaining etc..
and then creating a rebound effect of trauma in that arena too.

I dont know how clear I am being here- because I cant see these things very clearly myself at the moment and am trying to work it out for myself.

I hope your day is more peaceful today.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by SueQ

Has anyone read the book or done a Heal Your Life workshop? That made a big difference for me, but it wasn't easy either.

Fat for me is not simply stored energy. It is stored grief, anger, resentment and shame. This is not a theory. I have experienced significant weight loss after significant emotional healing accomplished only through facing emotions that I did not know were there. Through recognizing my own feelings of unworthiness. And it wasn't until I began to forgive myself, through an intense process of looking at a photo of myself as a young child and writing letters of love and forgiveness to that child, that I began to release the weight. After the first 50 pounds, I feel lighter not just in my physical body. I feel like I take up less space on the planet, and I can honestly feel the slimming of the barrier between my spirit and other people. I feel very vulnerable, like I am transforming into a being who lives in a world with other people, who is accountable in relationships to other people. And it is scary. And it was happening to fast, and when I am barely coping with this new sensation, I couldn't imagine it going further yet. I wasn't ready. And guess what...........I stopped losing weight. While eating 600 calories a day. For me this is not only about what I eat. My body, mind and spirit are very in tune with what I perceive as the biggest need. And my spirit still wants some layers of protection.

Thanks for sharing this post Sue
I find it lovely, and very relevant.
And the part about the weight loss stopping when the feelings were getting too much!-
it is pretty much about the questions I am asking and looking at within myself;
ie, why have I currently gained weight on a regime that would have normally meant maintenance or possibly small loss?
what inner factors are driving this?
is there a physical cause, or it is driven from the inner?

Is the "heal your life" book/workshop from Louise Hay - or is it someone else?

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by shelbyla

Hmmmm...I read that and felt VERY uncomfortable. To the point of "the first part I get...but the second part...no way...that's SOOOO not me..." I think I need to look at that a little more closely. Anything that provokes that strong of a negative reaction seems like something where there might be a block...

Yep - I agree, there is most likely something to be uncovered there.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by lunagirl704

Good morning! I feel like all you wonderful ladies read my mind...I was up another lb this morning to 109. This, after a 'protein day' yesterday that consisted of egg whites and chicken with a little swiss chard. I cried on the way into work. I just feel so defeated, and hopeless. Why do I hate myself when the scale goes up? It was by no fault of mine...If the scale went down a few lbs, I would have been on top of the world. I worry about how this is affecting my 7 year old daughter. She is on the heavy side (but not really chubby if that makes sense, she's big boned like my dh) and I find myself getting angry when she doesn't fit into clothes or when she wants more food. She asks why I eat salad all the time and not the meal the family is eating...she she's seen me a number of times scowling at myself in the mirror, measuring my thighs etc. She's a happy, healthy girl and I don't want to f--- her up. I just hate this. My coworker is eating a bagel with cream cheese now and yapping about her weekend plans...and here I am thinking about how many oz of chicken to have on my salad, and the clothes in my closet that don't fit.

Hi Luna

I know how you feel-
I am right there myself, and struggling with self-hating and devastated feelings when weight is gained.
it seems way out of proportion to the stimulus- ie, why should gaining a few pounds make me feel my life has ended.

And funnily enough I was walking along the road yesterday thinking of my son,
and thinking - if for no one else, I have to deal with these issues for my sons sake (he is 8.5);
because he will morph them off me in some fashion otherwise,
and they will go on to affect his life negatively in some form or other.
So when I am thinking- I dont want to deal with this stuff, I just want to shove it under the carpet and try to get away from it- I will think of him!

[nola baxter]

I slept very deeply last night - after eating a decent amount of carbs in the evening-
which as a side note, made me realise how badly I sleep on low-carb?!
(anyone got any answers as to why that is?)

anyway, I dreamed,
and in my dreams I was weeping all night, and the second dream which I remembered most clearly,
was that I was with a couple of others, on the side of the road huddled under a covering of feathers and sludgy mud,
we had lost our homes and lives in general ,and all that was left of our lives was this desparate survival state of huddling beside the side of the road with this inadequate covering.
I turned the the old woman next to me, and she was showing her skeleton and some bits and pieces of memorabilia (dreams are not logical- lol), and I could see all her losses in what she was showing me, one of her bones was chopped off near the pelvis, (no leg) and she had lost a child, and a few other unclear things, as she was showing me I could feel the immensity of her pains and was just weeping unstoppably.
And as I woke after this dream , I pondered it and felt it clearly that it represented exactly how I am feeling right now.
ie, the old woman represented me in the griefs and wounds she was showing me that were my own,
and that huddling by the side of the road, with little covering , arms around ourselves, and no life left to speak of except bare survival, is how I feel at the moment in my emotional psyche;
and struggle to convey to anyone the depth of this- or why I should feel such devastation within myself at the moment, seemingly out of proportion to the external events.

So these feelings run deep, and I think, why, what is the origin/origins of such particular painful feelings?
they will not just be about the weight, but the weight merely triggering past pains.

[minimonkey]

Icecream: The way I read Shelby's post was that she felt that she saw some of herself in what you had written -- she reacted to your words and thought they might indicate a block that she also had in herself. (Correct me if I am wrong, Shelby!)

It was painful to read about your relationship history -- I don't know you at all, but it made me want to give you a hug, and tell you how courageous you are for taking on the feelings associated with all that pain. (It also made me want to hunt down the people who have hurt you, and smack them over the head with a frying pan!)

[minimonkey]

Wow, Nola -- that is one powerful dream! It stirred up a lot of feelings in me as I read it -- those images could have come out of the deeper parts of my own psyche as well. Your dreams seem to be allowing for the processing through of a lot of grief right now -- and I do believe that a lot of our inner work happens in the unconscious, while dreaming.

I really hear you about the feeling as if your life is crashing to the ground -- I am feeling much the same way, but not really about the weight so much as about external events in my professional life. In many ways, it isn't far from the truth right now --

The weight stuff is just an added frustration on top of everything else, and like Luna and others, it provides me a shelter from feeling the other emotions -- if I concentrate all my feelings on my body/diet/etc., I don't have to face the rest of it ---

Of course, that totally backfires, and I end up working through the other insecurities, griefs, and so forth in a displaced form, and trying to fool myself into thinking that a few extra pounds is the heart of the problem.

[minimonkey]

Originally Posted by nola baxter

Hi Mini

Yep, I have the same deal at the moment, it looks like months of hard work have been undone in a few weeks- and I havent even done anything to warrant it!
The only good part about it is nicer breasts!

But for you it may be only a small glitch and soon-to-be-gone water weight.

For me this whole deal is a turning out to be a big crisis, I feel like my life has coming crashing to the ground.
and I am still trying to see if there is a connection between the painful events I experienced around Xmas, and the triggering of this weight situation for me.
Or if the weight thing was going to happen anyway and it just hit all at once!
I cant fully see it yet.
The hope and expectation and good results that I was experiencing last year seem to have been completely annulled?
I keep thinking, how could I go from that situation to this, what has caused the change in tide;
or is it just "my time" to deal with some inner issues, and it was just meant to be regardless?

I read your post on the other thread about your academic crisis Mini, and the painful feelings you were experiencing with it,
and it set me wondering if it is similar for you and if the other external issues in your life are triggering and tying into the stasis and struggle in the weight arena.
ie, is the pain that is being triggered by one situation, causing the body and psyche to react by not losing weight/gaining etc..
and then creating a rebound effect of trauma in that arena too.

I think this is very, very likely true!!!! I have a terrible time expressing my pain -- and even when I do, I tend to think I am burdening others with something that is too trivial for them to waste their time on, and so forth... It ends up turning in on me, and wreaking havoc on my body.

[minimonkey]

SueQ -- I also found your post very relevant, and thank you for putting that out there so honestly. I've had moments of looking at pictures of myself as a child, and feeling intense grief, or protectiveness, for that little girl --- it is hard to remember that the child in that photo is also the adult woman that I beat up on so mercilessly (emotionally) at times....

[icecreamjunkie]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

Icecream: The way I read Shelby's post was that she felt that she saw some of herself in what you had written -- she reacted to your words and thought they might indicate a block that she also had in herself. (Correct me if I am wrong, Shelby!)

It was painful to read about your relationship history -- I don't know you at all, but it made me want to give you a hug, and tell you how courageous you are for taking on the feelings associated with all that pain. (It also made me want to hunt down the people who have hurt you, and smack them over the head with a frying pan!)

Thank you! But you better buy a few frying pans.....the list is LONG! Some of them i knew were "bad boys" and stayed in way longer than I should have...this last one....he was so different. I've NEVER in all my relationships felt, believed, trusted and loved the way I did with him. oh well, he KNOWS he lost the best thing that ever happened to him and I do too! But it still hurts...time will heal though....I just don't want to do it with food this time. I have two AMAZING friends....you might know them....Ben & Jerry???

Gracious, I hope that Shelby doesn't suffer from that too!!! Though, I tend to think that us women have a tendency to internalize things that others don't...It is weird how a pattern keeps repeating itself.....even though I have ZERO intention of it happening.