HCG and food/diet/body issues, working with the inner self.

[minimonkey]

I am all for manifesting a healthy metabolism that doesn't gain weight! I think I need the external factor (the hcg and protocol) in order to believe it, but that's ok -- if that is what it takes, and the end result is the same, so be it.

I did some EMDR around "it is now safe to let go of the baggage I am carrying" -- and guess what? I went right into my legs, and all the fatty areas on them started tingling like crazy, which lasted a long time -- it was quite something!

I'm only doing the EMDR for short periods of time, but I am doing it once or twice a day, and it seems to clear more material each time I do it.

I hope on the other end of this I will not need to live on a "diet" either, but rather that I will naturally eat the right amount of food that is good for my body's needs.

There's a technique that some folks use -- it involves a laser pointer, lol-- for helping clear the body of food sensitivities. It's big on another board, but there are people here who use it too -- Shelby has, I know --

Anyhow, when I get to p3, I am going to get a laser pointer and try it.

Hey, I am so full of woo-woo right now, I'm up for just about anything....lol!

[minimonkey]

Oh -- and, I am down another .6 lbs today, for a total loss of 5 lbs in 4 days... now THAT ain't shabby at all I sailed right past a previous stall weight of 110 -- which is really encouraging! Now, we'll see what happens when I get down to 105, which was my last serious stall weight....

I suspect the losses may slow in the second week, since that is typical for most folks, but I am trying not to set myself up for that to happen, either.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

so why do I hold myself to a different standard than I do others?

"Because you can be kind to others but you are not allowed to be kind to yourself" ??

In its many senses, physical and emotional..

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

I am all for manifesting a healthy metabolism that doesn't gain weight! I think I need the external factor (the hcg and protocol) in order to believe it, but that's ok -- if that is what it takes, and the end result is the same, so be it.

I did some EMDR around "it is now safe to let go of the baggage I am carrying" -- and guess what? I went right into my legs, and all the fatty areas on them started tingling like crazy, which lasted a long time -- it was quite something!

I'm only doing the EMDR for short periods of time, but I am doing it once or twice a day, and it seems to clear more material each time I do it.

I hope on the other end of this I will not need to live on a "diet" either, but rather that I will naturally eat the right amount of food that is good for my body's needs.

There's a technique that some folks use -- it involves a laser pointer, lol-- for helping clear the body of food sensitivities. It's big on another board, but there are people here who use it too -- Shelby has, I know --

Anyhow, when I get to p3, I am going to get a laser pointer and try it.

Hey, I am so full of woo-woo right now, I'm up for just about anything....lol!

I think the laser pointer sounds good- if there was one around I would use it!

I love the bit about the fatty areas tingling! - now that is powerful stuff

I think I will work around something like that- offloading baggage etc.
I did come up with quite a lot of stuff this morning;
around;
"being crushed by all that weight"
(many ramifications! - being crushed by someones physical weight,
being crushed by my own weight- devastated and crushed when gaining weight!,
being crushed under a weight- physical and emotional devastation)

" carrying around all my own burdens"
"carrying a burden" (weight)
"not being a 'burden' - on someone else (all the physical and emotional ramifications)

and more..

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

I did some EMDR around "it is now safe to let go of the baggage I am carrying" -- and guess what? I went right into my legs, and all the fatty areas on them started tingling like crazy, which lasted a long time -- it was quite something!

maybe you will be the first to lose your saddlebags and you wont even need that gel!!

[minimonkey]

I had to buy some computer stuff today anyhow, so... I bought a laser pointer... hee hee. I will use it for lecturing in any event, but if it can allow me to eat a wider range of foods, then it was well worth the investment.

[SueQ]

I am not sure what is up with this, but I am completely exhausted! I only slept about 6 hrs last night and did all my normal running around for a Saturday. I did just about decide I am going to try a fat fast and was home researching the plan, when I was so overwhelmingly tired and hungry that i ate dinner and have been laying in bed since 6:30 pm!

The psychological impact of thinking of eating all that rich food did make me really hungry, and i'm still not sure it is the right thing to do. Feels like that fear of eating normally at the end of P2 type stuff to me.

I'm thinking it is just not enough sleep on so few calories, so I'm going to go with it and stay in bed and watch TV. I'll decide in the am if I am going to do a fat fast.

[minimonkey]

Originally Posted by nola baxter

"Because you can be kind to others but you are not allowed to be kind to yourself" ??

In its many senses, physical and emotional..

Have you considered becoming a therapist?

[minimonkey]

Sue -- I have done really well with fat fasts in the past, but since I didn't stabilize at all, I'm now a bit hesitant to suggest them to anyone else.

They will definitely be my go-to correction day for p3 though!

I'm sure the exhaustion is as much from p2 as from anything else -- it takes it out of one, for sure, and you've been doing it a long time.

[minimonkey]

I'm planning to do a bit more of the EMDR on myself tonight, still working on the "baggage" phrase -- since last night was so odd! I'm tired -- I did errands earlier, and have been immersed in thesis stuff for most of the evening -- definitely ready for some sleep.

I am also going to start lasering foods in preparation for p3 -- I figure I will start with the ones that are lying around anyhow, but that I am not eating now -- and move from there. I won't know anything about how it is or is not working until p3 though... but still, it isn't much work to laser a thing a day, or whatnot.

Anyhow, pretty excited about all this so far -- and hoping these nice scale losses keep up, too.

I'm definitely feeling some deprivation with the p2 -- not a lot of real hunger, though I was genuinely pretty hungry this afternoon... and I am trying to stay with those feelings -- what does it mean to deprive myself? What does it mean to deny pleasure in service of some other goal? Etc. What would it mean to have both? Do I feel I deserve that? If not, why not?

[SueQ]

Mini, your questions got me thinking about hunger. Used to be on P2 when I got hungry I would get afraid, because in the past my hunger would escalate and become overwhelming. That rarely happens anymore, probably a blood sugar thing, but I've learned that most of the time I can sit in a little bit of hunger and it is ok. Times like last night, it was more of sick, I have to eat now type hunger. Sometimes that hunger feels like deprivation and sometimes it feels like natural progress. I still worry about hunger sometimes, like it is going to take over. Not sure where i am going with all that.

I like this question: what does it mean to deny pleasure in service of some other goal? We do that for the short term often but when dieting it can seem endless, like it might have to be a forever choice. What is the balance between denial of pleasure in pursuit of a goal, and truly depriving our bodies and not listening to their signals?

[shelbyla]

Hi all. I am going to repost this here since the exercise thread isn't getting a lot of visibility these days. Hope you guys will forgive me for mixing mediums, so to speak! Hopefully someone can help me with this... My bf, who exercises strenuously every day (weights, cardio, kickboxing), has started hhcg. He has some concerns about his level of exercise and the vlcd, as do I. I went back to P&I to see what the original doc said about exercise and I can't find anywhere that indicates that Dr. S prohibits any form of exercise. Or even anything around the common recommendation of not starting anything new while on a round. Can anyone help me find where this info is coming from?

[SueQ]

Interesting, i can't find it either. I did find something on pg. 64 in my manuscript in the section about causes for weight gain:

Finally, the weight can temporarily increase - paradoxical though this
may sound - after an exceptional physical exertion of long duration
leading to a feeling of exhaustion. A game of tennis, a vigorous swim, a
run, a ride on horseback or a round of golf do not have this effect; but a
long trek, a day of skiing, rowing or cycling or dancing into the small
hours usually result in a gain of weight on the following day, unless the
patient is in perfect training. In patients coming from abroad, where
they always use their cars, we often see this effect after a strenuous day
of shopping on foot, sightseeing and visits to galleries and museums.
Though the extra muscular effort involved does consume some
additional Calories, this appears to be offset by the retention of water
which the tired circulation cannot at once eliminate.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

I'm planning to do a bit more of the EMDR on myself tonight, still working on the "baggage" phrase -- since last night was so odd! I'm tired -- I did errands earlier, and have been immersed in thesis stuff for most of the evening -- definitely ready for some sleep.

I am also going to start lasering foods in preparation for p3 -- I figure I will start with the ones that are lying around anyhow, but that I am not eating now -- and move from there. I won't know anything about how it is or is not working until p3 though... but still, it isn't much work to laser a thing a day, or whatnot.

Anyhow, pretty excited about all this so far -- and hoping these nice scale losses keep up, too.

I'm definitely feeling some deprivation with the p2 -- not a lot of real hunger, though I was genuinely pretty hungry this afternoon... and I am trying to stay with those feelings -- what does it mean to deprive myself? What does it mean to deny pleasure in service of some other goal? Etc. What would it mean to have both? Do I feel I deserve that? If not, why not?

Hi Mini

In the past - when I was young , I thought of being something like a therapist- but these days, I think lol
But who knows, maybe sometime in the future when the time is right.

The laser pointer sounds exciting, and hopeful.
What foods are you going to laser?

How did the deprivation work go?
I can see that there could be a lot of emotional loading behind that lot!

I have thought along the same lines;
"Why do I (at some level) feel the only way I can achieve my goal weight is through starving and deprivation?"
I dont feel fully that way now, I have definitely cleared some associated stuff-
but I feel there is still a bit of something there- a feeling of hindrance to the possibility that my body will just naturally achieve that lean weight.

One thing comes to mind;
"Why do I feel I have to deny the body?"

ok, and there is something underlying that,
I think its something like;
"Why do I have to deny the body to make it do the right thing?"

or
"WHY DOES THE BODY HAVE TO BE 'MADE' TO DO SOMETHING?!"

(Ok, so these are keys for me I think..
My body was "made" to do something (that didnt feel good ),
and now I still have to keep "making" my body do something.
I HAVE TO MAKE MY BODY DO SOMETHING
I have to keep doing something that goes against my natural instincts-
"make" myself do the diet..)

I HAVE TO DENY THE BODY AND MAKE IT DO THE RIGHT THING
"I HAVE TO DENY THE BODY TO MAKE IT DO THE RIGHT THING"!! (in other words- the body wont do the right thing on its own!)

I see there are many twists and turns and multiple meanings and ways these phrases play out,
physically,emotionally, and mentally..

(The phrases represent a kind of coding in the body..)

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by SueQ

Feels like that fear of eating normally at the end of P2 type stuff to me.

There definitely could be something there...

It reminds me of something I noticed last night;
I was eating a meal with a friend, and suddenly I realised;
I am fully conscious and feeling aware of my body and the eating of the food throughout the whole experience!

And at that point- I realised that up until now, I have been unconsciously cutting out during the food experience;
going unconcsious in some way,
or going AWOL.
It is exactly the same kind of mechanism as to how I was cutting out in my breathing during exercise;
the two things have to be directly connected.

I dont actually know what I cleared that caused the difference;
but your words "fear of eating normally" made me realise it must of been some type of fear mechanism that was causing me to "cut out", and "go unconscious".
Of course- I wasnt really actually aware I was doing this before!

But the ramifications for food are obvious- because I was "cutting out" during the experience;
neither my psyche, or body, was fully acknowledging or experiencing the food eaten- so I would feel the need to eat more,
both physically and emotionally/mentally.

Which explains why I have been feeling so full and satisfied on pretty much the same amount of food I was eating before, and sometimes even less;
with none feelings of the hunger or needing to eat more that I had had before!


It is unexpected!

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by shelbyla

Hi all. I am going to repost this here since the exercise thread isn't getting a lot of visibility these days. Hope you guys will forgive me for mixing mediums, so to speak! Hopefully someone can help me with this... My bf, who exercises strenuously every day (weights, cardio, kickboxing), has started hhcg. He has some concerns about his level of exercise and the vlcd, as do I. I went back to P&I to see what the original doc said about exercise and I can't find anywhere that indicates that Dr. S prohibits any form of exercise. Or even anything around the common recommendation of not starting anything new while on a round. Can anyone help me find where this info is coming from?

Hmm, I dont know either.
I didnt read pounds and inches, but another book, "the Cure Romana", by Leslie Kenton. It is her revision of the Simeons protocol.

But my understanding revolves more around the fact that p2 calories are too low to successfully sustain and support any heavy exercise;
and that the body is better to be in a non-stressed, restful situation during P2.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by SueQ

Mini, your questions got me thinking about hunger. Used to be on P2 when I got hungry I would get afraid, because in the past my hunger would escalate and become overwhelming. That rarely happens anymore, probably a blood sugar thing, but I've learned that most of the time I can sit in a little bit of hunger and it is ok. Times like last night, it was more of sick, I have to eat now type hunger. Sometimes that hunger feels like deprivation and sometimes it feels like natural progress. I still worry about hunger sometimes, like it is going to take over. Not sure where i am going with all that.

I like this question: what does it mean to deny pleasure in service of some other goal? We do that for the short term often but when dieting it can seem endless, like it might have to be a forever choice. What is the balance between denial of pleasure in pursuit of a goal, and truly depriving our bodies and not listening to their signals?

Good questions, and food for thought.

My strong gut feeling these days is actually to feed and support the body , not deprive it,
and this feels very right and good to me now,
and gives me a very contented happy feel- like a cat curling up in the sun!

I do still get hunger- sometimes I am just busy, and doing some job- so I dont eat straight away,
but I feel okay with that hunger (and the feeling is not as urgent or fearful as it used to be!).
However generally for me now,
going into deprivation, or purposefully denying the body when it feels hungry no longer feels like something I should be doing,
it feels wrong/errant?..and punishing..

[minimonkey]

Shelby, I believe Sue has provided the only real advice Simeons gives regarding exercise. A lot of people adhere to the "don't start a new regimen" during p2 wisdom.

Personally, my body just hates it if I try to work out hard on p2. I can do easier workouts just fine, but if I push it too far, I pay.

Not sure how the current round will go regarding exercise -- I haven't had time to try working out yet.

[minimonkey]

Sue -- I hear you about that sick, take over the world, hunger.

I have had that in rounds past, and it actually is a bit scary -- I know Nola gets that, too.

I have pushed through it, and am not at all sure that is a good idea --

Thankfully, I haven't had that yet this round. If I space my food out throughout the day, I seem to do okay, hunger wise.

[nola baxter]

more is coming to me..

Even though I was forced to do something (abuse)
Even though I am forced to do something (abuse)
Even though I force myself to do something (I force myself to do something that doesnt feel good in the abuse situation)
EVEN THOUGH I MUST FORCE MYSELF! (force the body, force the body to lose weight, force my emotions)
Even though I am forced
Even though I am always forcing (can see the myriad of ways I have felt I have to "force" myself or "force"others)
Even though I am forcing myself to do something
EVEN THOUGH I AM ALWAYS FORCING MYSELF TO DO SOMETHING (and never feel things will just happen naturally;
and many ways in life that I have felt I had to force myself to do something;
force myself to go on a diet,
force myself to lose weight
force myself to do the cleaning, etc. etc.!)

And ways in which I had to be "forced" to do something, by others, or circumstances)
EVEN THOUGH I HAVE TO BE FORCED TO DO SOMETHING..

[minimonkey]

I had some interesting stuff come up in the EMDR, around childhood and weight. In second grade, I started having very bad nausea, and ended up missing a lot of my second grade year in school -- I was very underweight at that point. By fourth grade, I had put on a lot of weight and was a pretty chunky kid. This all happened about the time my abuser came into my life.

I don't have a lot of memories from those years, but I do remember the shame of being the "fat kid" in school -- and a lot of memories are coming up around that -- but also --

I always assumed that I must have done a lot of overeating to gain all that weight -- but last night, what came up was that I didn't eat any more than my skinny friends. I don't know if that's true or not -- I do remember a few incidents of bingeing, and of eating in secret -- but that was when I was already heavy.

I now wonder if I really DIDN'T eat more than my friends. I remember insisting that was true, when I was a kid, and feeling that the weight gain was very unfair.

One thing that confounds all this is that I may well have contracted Lyme as a child -- I know I was at least re-infected in my 20s, but I do have some evidence I had it much younger.

Anyhow, that all came up for me last night, and right now, I feel like crying when I think about it-- so that is pretty powerful stuff!

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

I had some interesting stuff come up in the EMDR, around childhood and weight. In second grade, I started having very bad nausea, and ended up missing a lot of my second grade year in school -- I was very underweight at that point. By fourth grade, I had put on a lot of weight and was a pretty chunky kid. This all happened about the time my abuser came into my life.

I don't have a lot of memories from those years, but I do remember the shame of being the "fat kid" in school -- and a lot of memories are coming up around that -- but also --

I always assumed that I must have done a lot of overeating to gain all that weight -- but last night, what came up was that I didn't eat any more than my skinny friends. I don't know if that's true or not -- I do remember a few incidents of bingeing, and of eating in secret -- but that was when I was already heavy.

I now wonder if I really DIDN'T eat more than my friends. I remember insisting that was true, when I was a kid, and feeling that the weight gain was very unfair.

One thing that confounds all this is that I may well have contracted Lyme as a child -- I know I was at least re-infected in my 20s, but I do have some evidence I had it much younger.

Anyhow, that all came up for me last night, and right now, I feel like crying when I think about it-- so that is pretty powerful stuff!

Hi Mini
I am glad that you are seeing all of this.
I have had some similar sounding stuff.

I was a lean kid, but then unexplainedly started getting plump as an early teenager (12)- which in restrospect, I think was because abuse issues were being unwittingly triggered by my passage to adulthood and becoming a sexual being!

Then started the diet and all of my diets and 30 yrs of bodily struggle!

But so many times over the years, I have gained weight in a way that is
not about having overeaten food-
and struggled with an immense sense of unfairness and injustice over it.
(Even though it was a while before I was able to realise that the weight gain wasnt deserved/justified? -
because in between was all the self-castigation, and it must be somehow my fault {resonance of the abuse},
and -
I am doing something wrong, or I must be doing something wrong, I must be wrong!)

And everytime I would gain weight in a way that didnt seem justified,
or was way out of proportion to any food consumed;
up would come all the feelings that I was being punished somehow;
punished for doing something wrong?
punished because I was bad? or my body was bad?
And stuff along those lines;
but at the same time-
an immense feeling of unfairness and injustice!!

[minimonkey]

I am working EMDR with the phrase "I am now healing all the damage that was done to my bodily systems." We'll see where that gets me.

I lot of emotional stuff coming up for me today -- I'll write more about it later when I am not in the middle of thesis work.

And yes, Nola, I have been dieting for most of 35 years myself -- I started dieting at ten, and have never really stopped struggling since then. There have been times I just decided I wouldn't diet -- but the struggle never really ceased.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

I am working EMDR with the phrase "I am now healing all the damage that was done to my bodily systems." We'll see where that gets me.

I lot of emotional stuff coming up for me today -- I'll write more about it later when I am not in the middle of thesis work.

And yes, Nola, I have been dieting for most of 35 years myself -- I started dieting at ten, and have never really stopped struggling since then. There have been times I just decided I wouldn't diet -- but the struggle never really ceased.

good luck on your emotional work!

For me it is a "barrage", a "flood", and I am being overwhelmed!
I opened the door- and its all come "flooding out"

[minimonkey]

Yeah, Nola, that is happening to me now too. I wondered, when you mentioned "flood" imagery, if that was what it was referencing. (Flood imagery also harkens back to female sexual response, and the betrayal of the body's reactions, for what its worth.)

I don't know if this is the best of times, or the worst of times, for this all to be breaking forth for me -- I need to be writing in a very focused way, but I also think a lot of my creative energy is bound up in all this trauma, and letting some of it loose might free that up a bit -- I'm not sure.

This is all the trickster's domain -- the chaos overlay on the rational -- and it is most appropriate, in some ways, to what I am writing.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

Yeah, Nola, that is happening to me now too. I wondered, when you mentioned "flood" imagery, if that was what it was referencing. (Flood imagery also harkens back to female sexual response, and the betrayal of the body's reactions, for what its worth.)

I don't know if this is the best of times, or the worst of times, for this all to be breaking forth for me -- I need to be writing in a very focused way, but I also think a lot of my creative energy is bound up in all this trauma, and letting some of it loose might free that up a bit -- I'm not sure.

This is all the trickster's domain -- the chaos overlay on the rational -- and it is most appropriate, in some ways, to what I am writing.

Yes, thanks for the tip on the flood imagery; makes very good sense;
it is constantly in my mind at the moment, and even though I have tapped on it a bit, I have not got to the bottom of it.

Sounds like a good time- if there is ever a good time..lol

I think though- that it happens when you are ready;
I didnt consciously choose it,
and would have run away from it if I could!
But now that it has happened- I am truly grateful!

[nola baxter]

I am pretty pleased and happy at the moment.

I am feeling positive changes in my body and psyche;
A really relaxed and free feeling around food and eating .
Lack of fear!
Feeling I can just eat, and not have to restrain myself in any fashion,
or be overly worried about it!
I am eating to full satisfaction,
and not putting stoppers or holds on
amounts of foods, types of foods, or when it is eaten.
Its a new paradigm, and has come from the inside out,
rather than the outside in.

I feel more relaxed in my body, and my body feels lighter.
I feel more connected to my body.

I saw in the mirror today that the planes of my face are leaner again.
At some point last week- the tide changed from gaining, to losing.

On the other side of things- I am getting insights and clearings so fast I cannot keep up with it.
Sometimes I close the door on it to get a break!
I could literally sit on here all day and write about it.

I am seeing some really amazing stuff about words, which I will write more on later- I am still forming it coherently in my mind.

But overall- its very good! the freedom on the other side of the barrier..

[minimonkey]

Wow -- you have no idea how happy it makes me to read that Nola!!! I am so glad this is working for you You've written far more than I have about this stuff -- it comes fast and furious for me, and I can't begin to write it all down.

I'm still working very much from the outside-in paradigm with food, being on protocol -- and I am finding that very comforting at the moment. I don't have to focus on what to eat -- just when -- and it is simple. I'm not having much hunger, and what I do have is very, very tolerable.

It's good for me right now -- so I can focus on my thesis, and also focus on the inner work, and not have the additional stress of wondering if I am eating the right things, is my plan working for me, etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum.

Scale stayed the same today, but I can really see my thighs/butt leaning back out -- they sure plumped right up the moment I started eating this last time. I am very much hoping that doesn't happen again.

The first things I am going to try with the laser are almond butter, and coconut manna. When I get ready to start p3, I will also do greek yogurt, but I can't be trusted to have that around right now, lol! I have the others, so I can go ahead and laser them.

Coconut manna seems to be a notorious gainer for me, oddly enough -- I do fine with the oil and the milk, but the actual fruit/fiber of the coconut makes me gain. Oh, and whey protein, which my body just hates. It thinks I am carb loading when I use it -- I finally figured out that I have a huge sensitivity to whey -- I think that really bit me in the butt last summer..

When I get ready to transition to p3 this time, I am going to be doing a lot of EMDR around safety and maintenance --

Today, I did the phrase "I am now clearing all the debris from my chosen path" -- and lo and behold, I finally started to get past my terrible, paralyzing writer's block. (I've had my thesis eviscerated, and three drafts thrown out now, so the fear isn't irrational -- I used to love writing! This has been a huge blow for me).

I definitely think there is a lot to this ... and I am not about to stop, even if it is opening up the floodgates to my inner workings, which is disruptive -- it's a productive sort of disruption, and as you say -- it happens at the time it is supposed to happen.

[minimonkey]

I was just reflecting on your post -- and it still fills me with fear to think about eating in an unconstrained way -- lots of work to do there. I guess I am rather attached to my outside authority giving me permission to sate my hungers -- lol, and....ugh.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

I was just reflecting on your post -- and it still fills me with fear to think about eating in an unconstrained way -- lots of work to do there. I guess I am rather attached to my outside authority giving me permission to sate my hungers -- lol, and....ugh.

If I had to describe one way I feel around food at the moment ,
it would be "joy".

I have unknowingly felt so much fear and constriction around food and having to restrain my body around it;
for as far back as I can remember;
that I just didnt know this free, easy, relaxed, and non-fearful feeling!
It is a literal feeling inside of the body. My body is literally relaxed.
My "gut" is relaxed. I have been holding my tensions and my fears in my gut for years (IBS).
I could never trust my "gut" instincts..lol

I have had a myriad of restricting beliefs and holds around food and my body;
and the need to
restrain, control, inhibit, hold back, pull-back, lock the body down, not let it go, hold onto the body, and so on.
And all these things had a "literal" hold on my body. And now that they have "let go";
my body feels free.
There was like a literal lock on my body, my body was "locked in"
and "locked down".

I couldnt let it be free, I was too afraid to. Afraid of what might happen if I let go;
my body would be "out of control" and "out from under my control",
and if that happened- well , that was a terrifying prospect!

Of course, as it happens, the fear was not representative of the truth;
the fear was just a result of the
resonance, conditions,and experience of abuse;
where my body was used against me, and became as my enemy,
and I came to believe I had to treat it an enemy.