HCG and food/diet/body issues, working with the inner self.

[garnet10]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

Thank you for your kind words, Garnet!

I am also looking forward to seeing your progress pictures -- good for you for taking them

Oh, and welcome to the saddlebag-bemoaners club -- you'll fit right in, lol. I hope one of us manages to figure out what the heck they are about, emotionally.

I'm thinking the metaphor is apt enough, given that saddlebags mean one is carrying baggage with them..... hmmm......

Yes, I'm an unwilling member!

I'm going to post this on a new thread, but I'm wondering if anyone has tried a "contouring gel" to reduce their saddlebags. Dr. Belluscio (I've read all his research on his website) states:

We currently indicate the hCG Protocol plus the local administration (to the thigh area) of a cream containing diluted amount of Aminophyline (metilxanthine) and Yohimbine (Alfa Blocker).

So I found a Contouring Gel on netrition, and I decided to start it yesterday since I am close to "goal". At this point I don't care if reshaping happens because of hCG or the gel, I just hope it may happen.

[nola baxter]

I have started to understand more of the mechanism of how everything ends up being focused and encapsulated in the arena of weight, body, fat and diet.

Key phrases- insulate
and encapsulate

ways it plays out;

I insulate myself with fat
I insulate myself with food and eating
I insulate myself from other stuff by focusing on food, my weight,and my fat.
I insulate myself from the real issues with a layer of fat

I encapsulate myself in fat
I ENCAPSULATE THE TRAUMA IN FAT!
I encapsulate myself by making myself all about the body, diet and weight;
using it as a buffer from the real issues underneath, buried traumas, painful feelings etc.
I encapsulate myself in fat to protect myself from the real issues
I encapsulate myself in fat to protect myself physically (abuse protection)

[nola baxter]

I have been reading a book aloud to my son; "The Green Witch", by Alice Hoffman (a beautiful fable)
two things stuck out and spoke to me!

a phrase in the book;
"women who refuse to step back into a time when they had no words and no rights"

Immediately in my head came, "I HAVE NO RIGHTS"
Then came the connections
a dual connection;
Feelings of noneity in the abuse; I am as nothing, a nonperson.

And the connection with "illegitimate" relationships;
relationships that are hidden, wrong, bad , unacknowledged;
and how in these relationships we have no rights, because the relationship is not even supposed to exist!
We cant ask anything in the relationship
We cannot demand anything in the relationship
We cannot ask anything of the relationship
We cant demand anything of the relationship
And most pertinently-
we cant ask or demand anything of the person in the relationship;
because we are a persona non grata in the relationship!

And as for "women that have no words"
that goes deep, and I havent even gone there yet!

[nola baxter]

The second phrase in the book

"Is Diamond a prisoner or a guard?
Is he my worst enemy or still my beloved?
Can I find anything, or simply lose more? "

This went straight in!
I could immediately comprehend the tenor of the feelings and questions.
They are identical to the duality of the feelings in abuse;
the dichotomy and entertwining of abuse and love and how they get wrapped up together,
and how I have kept playing out that duality in my subsequent relationships.

"IS HE MY WORST ENEMY OR MY BELOVED?"
This is a feeling I have often had in my relationships;
where there is a confusing combo of love and abuse!
And the feeling-
do I need to protect myself from this man,
or does he truly love me?
This has actually been a deep soul dichotomy I have examined over and over again- the man who is seemingly hurting and loving me at the same time.
And the questions within;
"why do I always have to end up protecting myself from the one I love"
"WHY DOES IT SEEM LIKE I ALWAYS HAVE TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM THE ONE I LOVE,
AND WHY DOES THE ONE WHO LOVES ME HURT ME,
AND WHY DOES THE ONE i LOVE HURT ME?"


"CAN I FIND ANYTHING, OR SIMPLY LOSE MORE"
Why is it always that in these relationships we end up being stripped bare;
We think we are obtaining love (or finding love);
but end up in an emotional desert, with less than what we started with.

"IS HE A PRISONER OR IS HE A GUARD"
Is he a guard over us (keeping us imprisoned within an abusive scenario);
or is he a prisoner of his own abusive past!

And- do we need to guard ourselves against him?

It is a very confusing dichotomy that is created when love and abuse are experienced together!

[SueQ]

Garnet, I am going to look into that contouring gel, particularly if it is safe to use on P2. I'm getting closer to goal weight although I have some areas that I am starting to worry are going to be lose skin leftover after weight loss. I've been doing skin brushing, and maybe this well help too.

Nola, so much of what you are processing I relate to. Definitely fat as a form of protection and the idea of trauma stored in it. There was a certain range of weight that I lost where I did a lot of the kind of work you are doing, and came to the conclusion that all those fears I was experiencing when I put on the weight were re-entering my body as the fat was melted away.

Luna (I think) there was a post of yours I wanted to reply to but it is on another page so I'll need to go look at it and then post again.

I'm following this thread daily and very much enjoying the activity being shared. I did a lot of journalling of my own the other night to explore further healing and it is taking me in a different direction, not so focused on the weight loss aspect, and it is nice to know what most of that is behind me for now and I'm moving on to other areas, but that means I probably won't have as much to contribute here. I'll still be reading and supporting your journeys though!

[SueQ]

Originally Posted by lunagirl704

Everyone's stories are so moving and emotional....I have no advice to give, but I am sending hugs to all.

I'm in a bad place this morning. TOM is near and I am feeling bloated and just miserable emotionally and physically. I've been eating clean p3...with some wine as a cheat, and I wouldn't be surprised if I am gaining. Won't get on the scale though. And as I write this I know it's not totally about weight. I had an awful day at work yesterday (I don't like my job and am sort of stuck here), got home and my kids were bratty and difficult. I just feel like a mouse on one of those wheels, running after a piece of cheese that does not exist. Why is losing weight the only thing that makes me happy, and the one thing (lately) I am not successful at?

This is what I was trying to find! Totally relate to that. It used to be all the time, and still is some days for me, that whether I had a good day or bad day depended on what the scale told me. I'd analyze everything I ate the day before, and just have a cloud hanging over me if it wasn't a big weight loss day, stable, or heaven forbid a gain. The good days were nice, but I was very much aware that it wasn't my own natural inner joy giving that to me, that I had given my power away to the scale. I told myself I wasn't going to weigh every day but every day I rationalized why it was a good idea.

It does and can get better. It did for me. Sure, I am happy when I lose weight, but it doesn't make or break my day anymore, and I can be totally or mostly zen about a small gain or goose-egg in weight change. I'm not exactly sure what changed that, perhaps acceptance and a little more faith in the idea that I deserve a slender body and that I don't have to punish myself or suffer to accomplish it. I just don't get to dictate exactly when that happens for me. I keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing the right thing, making a decision to not repeat any wrong things I do, and I continue moving in the right direction. I am very much a one day at a time person and when I can stay in that place, I don't have to conquer the rest of my life in the results of one day's weigh-in. It's just today.

I find it very powerful to think about this: the only thing real in life is this moment. Right now. Not the one that just passed, not the one that is coming, not the one you will wake up to tomorrow. We are only alive and experiencing reality right this second. And I have pissed away a lot of reality by trying to fix the past or get to the future. I may not like everything about my reality today, but it is all that matters. It's tough to accept when we are on a journey towards a goal, but it is possible because I can often do it, and I am as OCD and scatterbrained as they come!

[minimonkey]

SueQ --- OMG, woman, I just saw your before and afters on the other thread --- YOU ARE TOTALLY AMAZING! What a huge transformation!!!!!!!!!!

I'll be back to address all the new posts here, but I had to hunt down this thread just to gush about your pictures right away (I gushed over there, too!)

[SueQ]

hee hee, thanks, Mini! I loved putting that I was 170 in that photo, but 157 now because it was only a month ago!

[minimonkey]

I have the contouring gel, and I like it -- I think it helps tighten up that area, at least in terms of water retention, and I think it helps with the skin, too. I will be repurchasing it, I think.

[minimonkey]

Sue -- your successes are amazing. We need current pics....STAT!

[SueQ]

Which gel did you get? I got the Flexx Appeal. I was worried about the phospolipids because that sounds like oil.

I'll see if I can get a new pic. I don't think I look that different from my "after" that I posted. Something about that outfit and pose worked really well. I'll definitely take some when I hit goal weight in another month or so.

[nola baxter]

Ok, so I had to go and hunt out that thread!

Mini is right- amazing transformation Sue!
Very inspiring!

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by SueQ

This is what I was trying to find! Totally relate to that. It used to be all the time, and still is some days for me, that whether I had a good day or bad day depended on what the scale told me. I'd analyze everything I ate the day before, and just have a cloud hanging over me if it wasn't a big weight loss day, stable, or heaven forbid a gain. The good days were nice, but I was very much aware that it wasn't my own natural inner joy giving that to me, that I had given my power away to the scale. I told myself I wasn't going to weigh every day but every day I rationalized why it was a good idea.

It does and can get better. It did for me. Sure, I am happy when I lose weight, but it doesn't make or break my day anymore, and I can be totally or mostly zen about a small gain or goose-egg in weight change. I'm not exactly sure what changed that, perhaps acceptance and a little more faith in the idea that I deserve a slender body and that I don't have to punish myself or suffer to accomplish it. I just don't get to dictate exactly when that happens for me. I keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing the right thing, making a decision to not repeat any wrong things I do, and I continue moving in the right direction. I am very much a one day at a time person and when I can stay in that place, I don't have to conquer the rest of my life in the results of one day's weigh-in. It's just today.

I find it very powerful to think about this: the only thing real in life is this moment. Right now. Not the one that just passed, not the one that is coming, not the one you will wake up to tomorrow. We are only alive and experiencing reality right this second. And I have pissed away a lot of reality by trying to fix the past or get to the future. I may not like everything about my reality today, but it is all that matters. It's tough to accept when we are on a journey towards a goal, but it is possible because I can often do it, and I am as OCD and scatterbrained as they come!

I love this post,
thanks Sue..

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by SueQ

Nola, so much of what you are processing I relate to. Definitely fat as a form of protection and the idea of trauma stored in it. There was a certain range of weight that I lost where I did a lot of the kind of work you are doing, and came to the conclusion that all those fears I was experiencing when I put on the weight were re-entering my body as the fat was melted away.

This is very interesting, and to the point!
I wonder what is yet in store for me!
Or what I have yet to "unstore" from my body!

[minimonkey]

This makes so much sense. I have been doing EMDR around the phrase "It is safe for me to attain and maintain my goal weight" and all kinds of stuff is coming up -- something about getting below about 110 starts to trigger old emotions for me -- but I do think the EMDR is helping a great deal in clearing those.

I start to feel very vulnerable when I am at 105 and below -- so I will work with that.

[minimonkey]

Protocol day 4 complete, and so far it has been quite easy. I'm not having to struggle with hunger -- what hunger I have is quite transient -- and so far energy has been fine, and the losses spectacular, for me.

We'll see what happens both physically and emotionally as I get the next 5 lbs off, and beyond....

[nola baxter]

Ok, so there has been an actual physiological change in my body!

I noticed this morning when I did press-ups, that I breathed all the way through,
and noticed the same thing tonight!.
It made me realise- that normally I have been making this funny kind of cut-out or disconnect in my breathing somewhere during the set (and with other exercises too).
But this has changed!!

And moreover- I managed to bang out 60 press-ups in a row - the first time this time round (did it 20 yrs ago)!!

I have noticed this physiological change at the same time
there has been an organic underlying change in my hunger/food/eating circuit.
My hunger/eat food circuit is also feeling smooth and uninterrupted,
in a way I could not have imagined!

Super cool, and super weird!

[minimonkey]

Originally Posted by SueQ

Which gel did you get? I got the Flexx Appeal. I was worried about the phospolipids because that sounds like oil.

I'll see if I can get a new pic. I don't think I look that different from my "after" that I posted. Something about that outfit and pose worked really well. I'll definitely take some when I hit goal weight in another month or so.

I got the contouring gel -- pretty sure it has no oil in it.

And doesn't that feel good, saying "when I hit goal in another month or so" ? !!!

You have come so far, and you are so close now

[minimonkey]

I just checked -- the Flexx Appeal is the same stuff I have. I like it pretty well. In fact, you just reminded me to put some on that "baggage" I am carrying!

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

Protocol day 4 complete, and so far it has been quite easy. I'm not having to struggle with hunger -- what hunger I have is quite transient -- and so far energy has been fine, and the losses spectacular, for me.

We'll see what happens both physically and emotionally as I get the next 5 lbs off, and beyond....

Yeah, wow- I see its falling off!

I was thinking this morning, that generally most of us dieters gain weight exponentially, way out of proportion to excess calories consumed;
and lose very slowly; more slowly than should be expected from the amount of calories cut.

I thought , wouldnt it be cool , if by doing he inner work,
that suddenly weight loss would be accelerated way more than any calorie cut would justify!

[minimonkey]

Nola -- you're right about that! Although, I have had periods of my life where the weight fell off, too, way out of proportion to any calories cut ... so I know there is a lot more to this than simply calories in/calories out.

Yes, the pounds are coming off fast right now -- that was load weight, and the weight from going to p3 --

What's astounding to me right now is that I am doing the 500 calorie protocol, and feeling great -- no real hunger to speak of, energy is good, etc. I dearly hope that lasts!

Even if the inner work doesn't help with the weight process, it certainly feels good to be resolving some of this junk! And just maybe... it'll resolve the junk in my trunk, too

[minimonkey]

I had a few odd thoughts recently -- one of them being that about half the time a woman/girl catches my eye (in a non-sexual way, just to be clear) and I think... wow, she's cute/gorgeous/etc. -- she's fairly curvy, and not particularly thin.

My point? I find a curvy female form attractive -- on others. Now, that's not to say that thin women don't also catch my eye in that way -- but thinness is not a prerequisite for being beautiful in my book -- so why do I hold myself to a different standard than I do others?

[minimonkey]

Nola -- I missed your post about the breathing and the hunger and the press-ups -- how very cool!!!!!! I'm so excited to watch you going through this process

Something has really changed in my body too -- but I have no idea if it is the hcg, the loading, or the inner work -- or all of it together that is responsible. I do know I am feeling good right now, though, and that I am not hungry on 500 calories, and that the weight is coming off (let's hope it continues to do that...) so something has changed.

[lunagirl704]

Originally Posted by SueQ

This is what I was trying to find! Totally relate to that. It used to be all the time, and still is some days for me, that whether I had a good day or bad day depended on what the scale told me. I'd analyze everything I ate the day before, and just have a cloud hanging over me if it wasn't a big weight loss day, stable, or heaven forbid a gain. The good days were nice, but I was very much aware that it wasn't my own natural inner joy giving that to me, that I had given my power away to the scale. I told myself I wasn't going to weigh every day but every day I rationalized why it was a good idea.

It does and can get better. It did for me. Sure, I am happy when I lose weight, but it doesn't make or break my day anymore, and I can be totally or mostly zen about a small gain or goose-egg in weight change. I'm not exactly sure what changed that, perhaps acceptance and a little more faith in the idea that I deserve a slender body and that I don't have to punish myself or suffer to accomplish it. I just don't get to dictate exactly when that happens for me. I keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing the right thing, making a decision to not repeat any wrong things I do, and I continue moving in the right direction. I am very much a one day at a time person and when I can stay in that place, I don't have to conquer the rest of my life in the results of one day's weigh-in. It's just today.

I find it very powerful to think about this: the only thing real in life is this moment. Right now. Not the one that just passed, not the one that is coming, not the one you will wake up to tomorrow. We are only alive and experiencing reality right this second. And I have pissed away a lot of reality by trying to fix the past or get to the future. I may not like everything about my reality today, but it is all that matters. It's tough to accept when we are on a journey towards a goal, but it is possible because I can often do it, and I am as OCD and scatterbrained as they come!

Sue- you are right and I need to live in the moment instead of obsessing about the past and worrying about the future. I just have so much weighing me down, I sobbed last night about an incident from my past. If these emotions are because of TOM, he is vicious this month!

[SueQ]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

Nola -- I missed your post about the breathing and the hunger and the press-ups -- how very cool!!!!!! I'm so excited to watch you going through this process

Something has really changed in my body too -- but I have no idea if it is the hcg, the loading, or the inner work -- or all of it together that is responsible. I do know I am feeling good right now, though, and that I am not hungry on 500 calories, and that the weight is coming off (let's hope it continues to do that...) so something has changed.

You are in the zone. I was thinking that reading through your most recent posts. That happened to me this round and I love it. I forgot to be worried about being hungry (expecting it, rather) and just knew it was time and it is. Body/Mind/Spirit synchronicity is a wonderful thing. We just know we are going to be successful, and so it is!

[SueQ]

Originally Posted by lunagirl704

Sue- you are right and I need to live in the moment instead of obsessing about the past and worrying about the future. I just have so much weighing me down, I sobbed last night about an incident from my past. If these emotions are because of TOM, he is vicious this month!

Luna, I hope I didn't come across as telling you that you should be thinking or feeling differently than you are. I said what I said because I related so much to feeling that way, and was thinking about what was different in the times that I am not feeling that way. You are feeling whatever you are feeling right now for a reason, and that is the way it is supposed to be. I'm not big on judging or "should-ing" all over myself. If I realize I don't like the way I am feeling or thinking, I "could" try thinking a different way. I do believe there is a lot of value of doing what we can in the present to heal or rectify the past, then focusing on the present. Just trying to set it aside unhealed, ignore it, and feel happy-happy-joy-joy doesn't work for me at all!

TOM is really a %@*)#$. It is quite unfair that we lose complete control over hormones and emotions during those times. I suppose it serves some higher purpose too, but at the moment what it seems to do is make me feel like an emotional train wreck and screw up my weight loss stats The emotional rollercoaster+weight gain = the complete opposite of Zen no matter how far I have come.

[SueQ]

Ok, almost done replying here and hogging the board.

Nola, love what is going on with your awareness. That is what comes through most strongly for me when I read your posts. When that happens for me, I am generally at the top of the mountain, so to speak, where we have done the work and now start to see the patterns and are able to change them.

I was thinking this morning, that generally most of us dieters gain weight exponentially, way out of proportion to excess calories consumed;
and lose very slowly; more slowly than should be expected from the amount of calories cut.

I thought , wouldnt it be cool , if by doing he inner work,
that suddenly weight loss would be accelerated way more than any calorie cut would justify!

This may be controversial, but am throwing it out there. I have chosen to believe that the idea that I gain wait exponentially out of proportion to calories consumed is a false idea that I have had in the past and have created that reality for myself. I reject that idea and no longer believe it has to be true for my body. I'm creating space for that to change and believe the emotional work is part of that. I am going to manifest THAT reality in my body.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

Nola -- I missed your post about the breathing and the hunger and the press-ups -- how very cool!!!!!! I'm so excited to watch you going through this process

Something has really changed in my body too -- but I have no idea if it is the hcg, the loading, or the inner work -- or all of it together that is responsible. I do know I am feeling good right now, though, and that I am not hungry on 500 calories, and that the weight is coming off (let's hope it continues to do that...) so something has changed.

I am less hungry at the moment - but I dont know if thats because all the processing is distracting me and taking a lot of time!
Time will tell.

I was wondering yesterday- will I ever go on a diet again, or choose to eat less or manipulate my diet in an effort to lose weight?
I dont know at this stage, it is all early days-
but right now I am in a very free-flow food mode;
get hungry - eat!
and eat till full satisfaction,
then wait for the next time.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by SueQ

Ok, almost done replying here and hogging the board.

Nola, love what is going on with your awareness. That is what comes through most strongly for me when I read your posts. When that happens for me, I am generally at the top of the mountain, so to speak, where we have done the work and now start to see the patterns and are able to change them.

This may be controversial, but am throwing it out there. I have chosen to believe that the idea that I gain wait exponentially out of proportion to calories consumed is a false idea that I have had in the past and have created that reality for myself. I reject that idea and no longer believe it has to be true for my body. I'm creating space for that to change and believe the emotional work is part of that. I am going to manifest THAT reality in my body.

lol.. I do so much of the hogging these days, that it is good to see someone else do it!

Yes, I believe you are right- I do feel at the top of the mountain (at least this mountain);
and it feels like a very good clearing space, quite easy and quite exciting!
I can already feel that a lot of things have shifted and changed and just dissipated.
There is still debri to clear , but it is moving fast and easily.

I totally believe in aiming to manifest the different and better scenario in your body!
I have even upped the ante for myself - my intent and projection is to have a body that just discards excess calories and fat like a dog shaking water off its coat!

To get the results I think it is a combo of doing the inner work -
getting rid of blocks, traumas, inner sabotages, and hindering patterns;
and then affirming what is that you really want.

And yes,
"I AM GOING TO MANIFEST THIS IN MY BODY!"
(for all of us)..

[minimonkey]

Sue -- Your reference to "should"ing all over yourself made me chuckle -- one of my favorite theorists, Albert Ellis, cautioned against doing that, as well as against "must"erbation ! Good things to keep in mind.

LUNA ! HUGS! I am so sorry you are carrying so much metaphorical weight at the moment -- I do, really, hear you on this one, and I hope you find some joy and relief in the near future! Crying can be a good thing -- it helps clear out the mind and body, and actually, literally flushes a lot of cortisol out of the system (I hate doing it though!)