|02-09-2012, 01:21 AM||#181|
Nola and Sue -- I am going to spend some real time with these posts tomorrow -- so much of this is hitting right at the heart of my own internal scripts, it is eerie --
Even though all my loves are illegitimate..... shudder!
I really need to process too... or maybe I need a hot drink, with a lot of alcohol in it, lol!
|02-09-2012, 06:39 AM||#182|
Senior LCF Member
The book is The Diet Cure...good call Nola! I am taking bits and pieces from it. i am curious to try the supplements. Will start with tyrosine (for alertness and energy) and glutamine( for carb/alcohol). Can't hurt and didn't spend much on them. I am sure that my body/brain chemistry is somehow messed up from years of dieting and yo-yo-ing up and down.
|02-09-2012, 09:18 AM||#183|
Senior LCF Member
I think it screwed me up a lot over the years - - poor body..
Let us know how it goes.
|02-09-2012, 09:59 AM||#184|
Senior LCF Member
Most of the abuse I am referring to in my current or more dated relationships
is more subtle abuse too.
It is not like someone who comes home and beats me and rapes me or something like that-
but more subtle abusive patterns, where the underlying current is pain and hurt, and not a feeling of love and nurture,
and where we are not treated well, in one way or other.
Sometimes this kind of abuse is not neccessarily obvious to the casual eye- or even to ourselves!
But it is a strong undercurrent nonetheless
and also the same underlying thread or pattern, of whatever original abuse
or situation that we encoded that became our pattern or programming.
100 pounds is a lot of protection to have to put on! That says something in
You have mentioned quite a few key factors there too..
One thing I was working more on last night was the whole abuse/love connection- and the bizarre the twists and turns of it.
As I was tapping I uncovered more subtle beliefs,
I need to be abused to get love,
I need this abuse, because I am not lovable, and to get love I first have to be abused
(because in essence, I am not deserving of love, and have to suffer the abuse first to become worthy)
I cant get love unless I am abused first,
I need the abuse to get loved!
Pretty twisted, but thats how my psyche interpreted the love/abuse matrix.
It goes something like this;
I was abused by someone who was "theoretically" loving me or supposed to love me (parental role),
so if someone who loves me abuses me, there is something wrong with me!
And if there is something wrong with me, I need to be punished (abused/treated badly), before I can be deserving of love!!
The other bit I saw was how desperate we (I ), am to feel we are loved,
and how essential/fundamental it is to our psyche to feel love,
so as that we will suffer abuse for it,
and that we will make the abuse our fault so we can still be "loved" by
(ie, It is not that they are bad, there must be something wrong with me that they are abusing me.
The fault lies within me, not them. )
Last edited by nola baxter; 02-09-2012 at 10:11 AM..
|02-09-2012, 10:05 AM||#185|
Senior LCF Member
|02-09-2012, 01:00 PM||#186|
You said to Sue:
"100 pounds is a lot of protection to have to put on! That says something in
Something about that statement really stirred me - moved me. Pounds of protection -- what a beautiful way to look at it! That seems so perfectly accurate --- fat as armor of protection. I can't say why your phrasing hit such a deep place in me, but it certainly did!
|02-09-2012, 01:05 PM||#187|
Nola -- our scripts are so similar because I was also abused by someone who was in a parental role -- my mother's long term partner. They weren't married -- in fact, they never married nor lived together (they maintained separate houses) -- but they did remain partners for over 30 years, and my mother remained loyal to him until his death a few years ago (2006, I believe). She both knew, and didn't know, about the abuse simultaneously.
She's trying to process through a lot of it herself -- a lot of details came to light around the time of his death, that more than confirmed what I had been telling her.
I love my mother deeply, but there is also a sense of betrayal that I can't begin to describe --
Rogue p2 cycling:
8/28:128.6 .... 10/7 118.4 ....10/20: 115.8
Last edited by minimonkey; 02-09-2012 at 01:11 PM..
|02-09-2012, 01:09 PM||#188|
I don't know how familiar you guys are with Freud and his theories about the Oedipal complex... but man, he'd have an absolute field day with this stuff. It is the Oedipus complex at its most literal, playing out right before our eyes.
There are situations in which Freud's theories hit it dead on -- and I see a lot of truth in them when applied to my own life.
Forgive all my psych ramblings... I am teaching a Theories of Personality class at the moment, so this stuff is very much on my mind.
|02-09-2012, 04:18 PM||#189|
Senior LCF Member
I am not going to write about some things here, because it has not been brought up in my family yet, and it doesnt seem the time to do so,
and because some things about my whole abuse situation are not fully clear as yet.
However, once I brought up the issue of sexual abuse to my mother, and that I had been sexually abused;
she immediately went into strong denial;
"no, you couldnt have been, I was always with you, you kids were never left alone" (this was not quite the reality!)..
Then some time later , she said;
"You dont think it was your father do you? surely not, he would have never done a thing like that!"
At the time, I had only some beginning memories and understandings,
and I said;
"no of course no, it never entered my head!"
And so it hadnt, at the time.
It was not in my conscious psyche at all.
The realities of my abuse were locked away in a split off part of myself that was not connected to my conscious mind.
But yes, betrayal;
I have been into that aspect a bit before, but so far it has not come up yet this time.
But now, even as I write- I can see this as a massive theme of my life!!!
And at key points in my life - repeated events that have been characterized and accompanied by a most devastating sense of betrayal.
We are mirrors for each other!
Last edited by nola baxter; 02-09-2012 at 04:21 PM..
|02-09-2012, 04:26 PM||#190|
Senior LCF Member
I think seeing it in this light can enable us to accept and love our bodies more.
Because in its own way, our body is really only trying to help and defend us,
and survive! -
even though its way of doing so may come across as warped and not always positive to our conscious intellectual mind!
( and our skinny-obssessed society- lol)
|02-09-2012, 04:49 PM||#191|
Senior LCF Member
It has been another busy time for me this morning,
with lots of understanding coming fast and strong.
At this stage in the process , I can honestly say not only is it
but pretty jolly exciting
So many patterns and encodings are becoming clear to me and losing their grip,
I am seeing so many of my patterns, and how they connect to the abuse and other childhood happenings I have experienced,
and how I have duplicated them over and over throughout my life in the various relationships.
I have been seeing and feeling the common threads and resonances in my life and relationships;
even though the scenarios and relationships may look different- the inner elements are the same!
I feel like I am on the verge of an inner quantum leap;
where a whole
section of the inner psyche shifts and changes- for the positive!
I started to see so clearly this morning how concretely and literally we encode things in our body and psyche,
(from the things that have happened to us, and that we have experienced);
and then we keep repeating it and duplicating it just like a computer program-
It was so so exciting and interesting to feel and understand -at an even deeper level!
And actually - very freeing;
it very much takes a lot of the personal element out of it, or blame or shame,
or, "there is something wrong with me!"
Its just that we literally have been programmed , mainly as a result of our childhood experiences,
and that program is generally operating below consciousness,
and running our lives!
Our job is to access it and change it for the better not to feel bad about its manifestation in our lives.
I can feel new elements of freedom,
my mind is starting to feel freeer and lighter, with a much greater sense of letting go in all aspects of my life.
As I relate to people around me, it is changing
I am able to be more direct and honest- emotionally and otherwise. Less social pretenses..
I noticed a more uninhibited feeling around food today,
and I also considered and allowed for the possibilty of gaining weight again at some time in this process,
and being willing to allow it if thats what it takes!
This involves releasing the remaining food controls , and fully letting go!
Last edited by nola baxter; 02-09-2012 at 04:53 PM..
|02-09-2012, 05:08 PM||#192|
Senior LCF Member
themes and insights
Because I have been working closely on issues that connect to my relationship with my "bad guy";
I have become aware of the possibility that there may be nothing left of this relationship after I have worked on the abuse issues!
This has put me in a bit of an inner quandary,
and the need to be willing to release and let go of this relationship ,
and let it take its natural form - whatever that may be - untwisted by abuse elements.
The need to let go of this relationship has unwittingly brought up its own conundrums that have needed to be dealt with;
Holding on to abuse patterns so I can hold on to the relationship,
Holding on to the relationship so I can have love ( but is it really love in that form?)
And various mental twist and phrases around it, connecting abuse to love;
If I let go of the abuse, I wont be loved
If I let go of the abuse , I wont have love
If I dont have love, I cant survive!
(resonance of abuse situations where the abuse is perpetrated by an adult who caretaking for us-
ie- as children we need them for our survival, so have to do what it takes to keep them happy, so we can maintain our lives, or be looked after, or whatever..?
(but also the survival thing is about love, and how neccessary and vital that is for our emotional and psychogical survival!)
I need to have love to survive
I need to have abuse to survive (interconnection of love and abuse)
I need to keep the love/ I need to keep the abuse - to survive - I cant do without it..
unconsious driving beliefs or feelings;
I "need" the relationship!
This relationship is critical to my survival..
Last edited by nola baxter; 02-09-2012 at 05:12 PM..
|02-09-2012, 05:59 PM||#193|
Senior LCF Member
I started to see all the connections of my abuse , sex,
and my subsequent relationships quite clearly this morning;
How it was used in the abuse situation and then repeating similar themes in my subsequent relationships;
sex as control
sex as abasement
sex as a tool or weapon;
to be used against women (in my case);
used to degrade, annihilate, strip of self-worth,
and express underlying unacknowledged hate and ambivalence .
Used as "power over" - ( rape or childhood abuse situations),
or "power against" (I have sex with someone else to punish the other women/woman in the picture)
Its use as a punishment; in many aspects-
man has sex with daughter to punish mother (unconscious agenda),
man has sex with someone who is not his partner to punish partner(unfaithfulness).
man flirts with other women to punish partner or make her insecure (also using it to have "power over", and keep her in needing position )
In my own relationships and my current one- I could see the patterns,
past and present!
For me- my current uses sex in many punishing abusive ways;
he goes for conquest- love and leave them.
Once he has got what he wants- he abandons them and moves on;
he has established his position of power (they sucuumbed to him),
and so he doesnt need them anymore and discards them .
(yes, I have watched him do this quite a few times!)
He also uses flirtation and being interested in other women (visually watching them.. porn.. etc), as a method of minimizing the current woman he is with ,
and keeping her in a insecure, lesser position;
and in competition with other women- easily able to be replaced..
Interestingly enough he also has the "power over " thing in his parenting.
He needs his children (and mine), to be kowtowing to him;
saying please and thankyou ; and "yes sir no sir three bags full"! lol
And if the children challenge his "big man" position, he gets very angry;
and even if I challenge his "big man" position, he gets angry too!!
and wants to end the relationship- or punish me in some way (other women) -or go emotionally cold and cut off love.
I also understood in my situation with the original abuse;
where the sex with the child is being used against the mother, as an unconscious weapon or punishment;
and also in subsequent relationships I have had,
where I have been involved to some degree or other with a man who has a partner;
and where that man is unconsciously or consciously using me as a tool, or a punishment, against his current partner.
(this was a bit of an ouch insight! and especially in some more recent cases!,
one of which involves the current man)
I got a birds-eye view of many of the abusive and unhealthy uses of sex being repeated in
my various relationships over the years.
And lastly- I got insights around abasement;
sex used to abase and degrade the woman- to make her
as less than, as a non-person, as something of no value.
I saw how the men in my life have manifested this pattern with me in my relationships,
and how it is a facet of an underlying hate/love relationship to women, and unacknowleged angry feelings on behalf of the man directed towards women.
And I saw how in certain situations (particularly with original abuse),
where I felt this abasement, this stripping of worth and esteem and value,
and the intense feeling of being as worth nothing!
And I realised that my dream of last week;
of being by the side of the road,
tremendously bereft, and stripped of all but a dirty covering;
was representative of this feeling of abuse,
and being stripped of all inner worth and esteem, , being laid bare, left with nothing and being as a nothing..
Okay- so I just remembered my dream of last night and am starting to get a glimpse of its connection to this stuff.
In my dream I awoke in bed to a sound, and looked to see a woman with a knife- she led me to a place where there were a bunch of men, who were all about to beat me up and leave me for dead for some supposed thing I had done.
In the dream I knew and felt fully that I had not done anything wrong, and could not be guilty of what they were accusing me of-
which they wouldnt even tell me what it was!
I was begging them, I didnt do it, I havent done anything wrong, what is it that I am supposed to have done wrong??
And I was afraid, and deeply felt I was innocent, and knew they were about to beat me very badly,
and I was afraid of the pain..
The dream is something about undeserved punishment and abuse,
the feeling of innocence, and bewilderment,
and not knowing what I done wrong!
And fear of punishment, and pain, and being abused and left as dead..
Which actually ties into other stuff I started to see this morning-
about punishment and abasement in my family as a child- we were physically punished a lot;
punished until we confessed our sins (religious upbringing),
punished until we said we were sorry and asked Jesus to forgive us,
and so on!!
Gawd, no wonder I got screwed up and had to control and punish my body so much!!!
Last edited by nola baxter; 02-09-2012 at 06:09 PM..
|02-09-2012, 06:05 PM||#194|
Senior LCF Member
the external body
I got a flash of insight this morning;
about how within myself, I have had all these bad feelings;
shame, guilt, fear,feeling fat and ugly, that I am a bad disgusting person, and so on;
and to offset these bad feelings, I have focused on the external aspects of getting the body looking perfect,
to cover, and compensate for, and try to negate the inner feelings.
I am looking good on the outside- so I must be okay,
If I am looking good on the outside- it makes me okay,
I NEED TO LOOK GOOD ON THE OUTSIDE TO BE OKAY!!
Hence the need for a strong external focus on the body, and getting the body "right" to make up for the inner feeling of "not right"
And there leads the path to many food and body hang-ups and obssessions!
|02-09-2012, 07:12 PM||#195|
Senior LCF Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Stats: 182/141.6 5/6/13/Goal 125
Start Date: hCG 10/9/10; restarted 5/6/13
I have been reading through the rest of this thread and I cannot imagine what some of you have been through. My heart goes out to all of you who as children had to endure the unimaginable.
|02-09-2012, 07:33 PM||#196|
Senior LCF Member
I have to say, my childhood was clouded by an immense amount of pain , shame, guilt and feeling bad about myself.
Fortunately as an adult- and now, I have managed over the years to gradually pull myself out from under that cloud!
But not without times of profound despair..
Lol, about worrying about underwear pics..
Looking forward to seeing the new ones
I hope you fully achieve your goals! And who knows, maybe the saddlebags will just go at some point.
|02-09-2012, 10:11 PM||#197|
You are on fire, Nola! I so admire all the work you are doing -- and I can't tell you how much everything you are writing speaks to me. I am reading with interest, and on the edge of my seat for the next thing you have to say -- and at the same time it scares the heck out of me, too.
I've dropped three pounds so far in the past two days, but it was all loading weight --- still, that's pretty impressive. I am trying to stay without judgment -- this is neither a good thing nor a bad thing with regards to me as a person -- it just is.
I noticed today that there is a new self-help book coming out from the creator of EMDR... I wonder what she is espousing, since she has been so adamant that one is never to do EMDR on oneself, or on another person unless one is a clinician and trained, etc. I suspect I'll buy it just to find out.
There was also an article in the Huffington Post yesterday about EMDR, speaking of synchronicities. In fact, EMDR has come up unbidden in my life about five times in the past week, in very odd ways. I suspect that might be a sign that I am supposed to be doing it right now.... lol.
I was too tired to do it last night, so I let it be --
I'll give it another go tonight -- and I suspect I may work with that "all my loves have been illegitimate" phrase -- man did that hit home!
I have this odd thing that happens to me sometimes, where a phrase will just start popping up unbidden, and it is often recurrent. For a long time, that phrase would often be "I want to get married." This happened even when I actually was married -- and I took that to mean that my marriage didn't feel real (it didn't).
Well, it just started happening again with that phrase -- before I read your statement about illegitimate loves -- and I was pretty amazed by that. I think "married" means "legitimate" in my world -- or secure -- or both.
|02-09-2012, 10:14 PM||#198|
Thank you for your kind words, Garnet!
I am also looking forward to seeing your progress pictures -- good for you for taking them
Oh, and welcome to the saddlebag-bemoaners club -- you'll fit right in, lol. I hope one of us manages to figure out what the heck they are about, emotionally.
I'm thinking the metaphor is apt enough, given that saddlebags mean one is carrying baggage with them..... hmmm......
|02-10-2012, 12:23 AM||#200|
Senior LCF Member
Yes, 3 pounds for you is fast!
I have begun to see and understand that even the most seemingly random phrases and thoughts that come into our mind mean something-
and particularly recurrent phrases, or habitual things we say or think.
They are often word patterns or keys to word patterns that represent underlying codes, beliefs and feelings, and experiences.
(something like that anyway!- but they are like a thread that you can take hold of and follow , to find the ball of wool at the other end!)
(The one that is coming to me today, that I still dont know what it means is;
flooding, I am being flooded, I am in floods;
something about flooding, or being in floods?!)
That is a pertinent point on the security aspect!
I hadnt thought security as relating to the illegitimacy side of it.
But ironically enough, I was pondering yesterday as to why I have relationships that involve me having to switch on and off,
because the relationship is always having to be switched on and off in one way or another!
Either literally; physically, because the man belongs elsewhere;
or emotionally; because the man switches on and off, and becomes emotionally unavailable!
Either way, there is no sense of security in the relationship, nothing or no-one to lean on!
And in that scenario, I am always having to withdraw my emotions, retrench, and shut down, as the relationship is constantly being withdrawn and cut off.
I am pretty sure you should stick with the EMDR.
It seems to be working in a significant way for you.
And I think people should do what works, whether the rules say so or not.
EFT works well for me; for me words are very much a key to unlocking inner stuff.
But sometimes it is too wordy; and I need to go with the intuitive meditative thing, where it is more about following energy flows and allowing them.
Some things are too deep for the conscious mind to unlock, and need another way of access.
I was hungry tonight, and had eaten a certain amount, but still felt some hunger;
so I thought, shall I go with the hunger , or restraint?!
But I felt- go with the hunger,
in fact - that that is the natural design!
Now that I am starting to feel more connected with my body , it is beginning to feel errant/not quite right to restrain natural appetite.
The whole concept of diet is starting to seem a bit bizarre?!
(I am as surprised as anyone at this- I have been the diet queen of restraint
and control! -
and this is very much a new awareness and possibility to me)
I say this, aware that it is a diet board and most of us are on a diet with various forms of restraint-
and I dont want to say anything that will offend anyone , negate what anyone is doing,
or make it to be wrong!
But just that to me , at this point,
it is starting to feel counter-intuitive to artificially restrain hunger and appetite to achieve calorie control, or weight control.
I think it is because the body is meant to operate in an intuitive flow, sending out signals to be listened to;
and not contained by a restraint and control mode around an artificial construct of health or diet, or amount of calories imbibed.
I think the restraint and control mode is needed only because we have become out of touch with our bodies.
I am very much thinking aloud here,
because I am even surprised at this for myself - it is a work in progress..
Last edited by nola baxter; 02-10-2012 at 12:32 AM..
|02-10-2012, 06:38 AM||#201|
Senior LCF Member
Everyone's stories are so moving and emotional....I have no advice to give, but I am sending hugs to all.
I'm in a bad place this morning. TOM is near and I am feeling bloated and just miserable emotionally and physically. I've been eating clean p3...with some wine as a cheat, and I wouldn't be surprised if I am gaining. Won't get on the scale though. And as I write this I know it's not totally about weight. I had an awful day at work yesterday (I don't like my job and am sort of stuck here), got home and my kids were bratty and difficult. I just feel like a mouse on one of those wheels, running after a piece of cheese that does not exist. Why is losing weight the only thing that makes me happy, and the one thing (lately) I am not successful at?
|02-10-2012, 11:43 AM||#202|
Luna -- first off, HUGS to you!!!
Second -- this isn't advice, really -- just sharing my own experience of late and throwing out a few questions.
You mention that losing weight is the only thing that makes you happy -- if that is true, have you considered that you might be depressed? Depression takes all sorts of forms, and correcting any underlying bodily imbalances (with meds, or diet, or what not) can make a world of difference.
You are SUCH a lovely person, and I hate to hear of you struggling!
Also -- have you identified what is behind the feeling of happiness when you do lose? (Why does that make you happy? What does it say about you?)
What does it mean about you when you don't lose? When you gain?
I'm all about identifying these internal scripts right now, thanks to Nola and her amazing role-modeling!!
|02-10-2012, 12:09 PM||#203|
I did more of the EMDR last night -- and I am not sure exactly what came up, but I got to a point where I really couldn't make my eyes move consciously -- I did have a few memories about childhood arise, but nothing that seemed too traumatic -- but after it, I felt this amazing sense of release and lightness -- my whole body felt it.
I slept deeply and very well afterward, and I feel great this morning. I'll definitely keep working this way for a while
|02-10-2012, 12:20 PM||#204|
Senior LCF Member
Mini- thanks You've really got me thinking...I may be depressed. I was on antidepressants when I was in my early 20's...and they did nothing for my mood or ED behaviors. I am happy/content when I am with my family and friends...it's just that when I am losing weight...sticking to a plan and seeing results.. or at a 'goal' or lower weight, my mind is free. I can be 'me.' At the point I am at now, I am always distracted; I am thinking about getting these last few lbs off, clothes I can wear, how thin other people are, how it will make me feel in control and strong. So these thoughts prevent me from being there (with my dh, friends, or kids) 100%. So I'm not really, truly happy. Make sense?
I do think I have some obsseeive- compulsive traits for sure.
When I lose it's like a high...I feel beautiful, sexy, confident, strong, protected from being hurt, like I can do anything...I am 'thin.' I guess, as typical ED thoughts, dieting takes all my energy, so I don't have to think of anything else, like my current work situation which is less than ideal. It's like a distraction. The thing is, when I get to goal the behaviors continue. I am never like, oh I'll have some cake...it's still chicken and salad, regardless if I am 98lbs or 110, ya know? It's all about control I guess.
When I gain I feel worthless, ugly, unloveable, a failure. It makes me distrust food, and I want to immediately get on a plan. Ironically my dh likes me curvier and would not care if I put on weight. I guess he sees me for me and I don't. My kids don't see the extra 7-10 lbs. They see mommy. The body that produced 2 healthy beautiful kids. I have basically been maintaining eating clean low carb. When I do give the hcg another chance, if it doesn't work maybe I will just give up and enjoy that sprouted grain bread with peanutbutter lol.
I saw a therapist a few weeks ago but decided not to go back for a few reasons, one of which the appt time was not good for me and it was her only slot. I didn't really like her either It takes a long time to build a good relationship with a counselor and I don't want to commit to that for many reasons. It may be wrong but it's the truth. I am looking for a group.
Thanks, Mini for asking these questions. It felt good to let it out. I know you ladies understand.
|02-10-2012, 01:54 PM||#205|
Senior LCF Member
Whether I am losing or gaining weight has been the one thing that has had the power to make or break my world for the most part of my adult life!
Its like all my issues and underlying hurts have been funnelled into that one point; have I gained or lost weight!
It is a total displacement, but so much has been intertwined with it for me that it has been one massive ball of thread to untangle.
And I can fully relate to all you say about feeling a failure, ugly, unlovable, etc, when gaining; and needing to immediately jump on a plan to alleviate these things! I have had an identical program- to the T.
All I can say is, try to love and accept yourself despite these things;
and start to chip away at it bit by bit.
It is a process, and the bad feelings dont go away all at once;
or in my case there have been so many bad feelings,
that I have had to gradually excavate the mountain!
A group sounds like a really good idea.
It could be a good help in beginning to offload and unravel things for you- and support!
|02-10-2012, 02:11 PM||#206|
Senior LCF Member
I know that feeling of release and lightness, it is so good,
and makes this whole process worthwhile.
Your bit about not being able to make your eyes move consciously brings up something that has come up for me this morning, (and I remember this feeling has come up in the past with emotional and body work);
and that is being COMPLETELY "immobilized",
and , feeling "immobilized".
ie, physically "immobilized" in the situation;
completely unable to get up, move , or stick up for myself, or defend myself;
and repeated incidents of "immobilization" in my life.
Feeling emotionally "immobilized"- and unable to stick up for myself, or defend myself in any manner, even when I was completely innocent,
(a common scenario for me).
Being physically "immobilized" (even as an early adult);
and in one particular case allowing a sexual interaction I absolutely didnt want!
shock and immobilization held me in a kind of pseudo-paralysis in the situation. (damn hard to explain to anyone else how a seemingly consenting adult was not the faintest bit consenting!!)
And other phrases, themes and emotional/physical play-outs;
even though I cant stick up for myself
even though I cant defend myself
even though I cant move
even though I am stuck
even though I am immobilized and cant move or even blink my eyelids!
(the weird thing is, my father died of motor neurone disease, and at the end he could even blink his eyelids, and he was completely " immobilized", physically-
I just realized this connection- too weird!!)
|02-10-2012, 02:19 PM||#207|
Senior LCF Member
The "flooding" thing keeps impinging on my consiousness.
I have tapped around it and can feel there is something more about it - its lingering on the edges of my consciousness;
one resonating phrase;
"pouring out of me like a flood"
"floods of blood"
"floods of pain"
"floods of grief"
and at the moment;
I am being "flooded" with insights!
and "feeling flooded"
being afraid of the "flood of blood"
being "completely flooded"
and - feelings of shock and fear
Last edited by nola baxter; 02-10-2012 at 02:38 PM..
|02-10-2012, 02:34 PM||#208|
Senior LCF Member
Because I have started to notice shifts in my body as how to relate to food,
(and also exercise- as I found out when I went to do exercise in the park this morning),
I have been thinking on it and understanding a bit more.
As I now perceive it, the food/hunger thing is supposed to be an unhibited flow;
ie, body feels hunger, signals it to the person, person eats, hunger fulfilled and satiatied, person goes away and lives their life until hunger signals again!
But in my life, this flow chart so to speak,
has been impeded by feelings of guilt , shame , fear, shutting down the body, distrusting its signals, restraining and condemning its signals, fear of eating, fear of gaining weight, and so on..
So all these things have created a block, or disconnection in what is meant to be natural unihibited flow, or cause and reaction chain.
Now, without any mental constructs or mental manoevering- I am experiencing what seems to have been a significant removal of those blocks in between my natural hunger, and the freedom of eating food!
I have never felt like this in my memory;
so it has not come from any mental understanding, because I didnt actually "know" or "feel" this reality before.
It is still in process, and a new thing- so I will see how it all goes.
But it is like a completely new window opening, and very cool.
I hope I have been able to explain it in some kind of understandable way!
I also noticed when I exercised in the park today, that I was able to fully breathe through all my press-ups, and I felt much more connected to my body and following its signals and stop signs, rather than ignoring them, or pushing through the barriers (ie, a kind of disconnection from the body).
I have seen that a lot of people exercise as a way of punishing and restraining the body- which is operating from a mode of shutting the body down and not hearing its signals.
I have done a combo; I both listen and hear it,
but I also have had points of disconnection where I dont listen, shut it down, and make a kind of disconnect, and am driving and forcing it;
rather than working with it, allowing and trusting it to be as it should be.
Last edited by nola baxter; 02-10-2012 at 02:37 PM..
|02-10-2012, 03:00 PM||#209|
Senior LCF Member
One of my phrasings came up this morning,
(and from memory, it was almost identical to one of yours Mini);
"Even though I have to lie down and take it"
And with this came up issues around defending myself and not sticking up for myself, and quietly accepting abuse.
And also, on challenging authority;
"I am not allowed to challenge the authority"
"I cant challenge authority"
"I will be punished if I challenge the authority"
"I will be punished if I challenge my father"
"I will be punished if I challenge"
"I am afraid to challenge my father"
and so on.
Something in me is starting to rise up and feel more assertive and
able to challenge,
and feel free to say;
what the heck are you doing?!
or- I am not happy with what you are doing!
or- why are you doing that? lol..
and to just generally confront people on their inappropriate,
or hard to understand, or painful behaviour!
I have always had a tremendous constriction on defending myself,
and on confronting other people about their behaviour- even when it is wrong or painful for me,
and on just being able to freely say- "I dont like this", or "I dont want that",
or "can you please stop doing that";
or whatever it may be that needs to be said to express myself,
stick up for myself,
and have myself treated as being valid being;
and a person in my own right,
not just a cipher, or a tool for the benefit of someone else's well-being and gratification.
Some more minor stuff also came up around not being listened too;
ie, my father was emotionally unavailable;
emotionally disconnected, and physically busy (always working).
And he never had time to listen or really pay attention to me.
Lately I have really noticed when talking to some people, particularly some men-
that they are absolutely not really hearing me;
I say something, and then they talk back, and I realise they just havent really listened to or heard a thing of what I am saying to them,
its like I am not existing in the conversation!
and like what I say is a non-event and not of any point!
A feeling that also comes from abuse;
I am not heard
I am not listened to
I am not allowed to speak
I have to lie down quietly and take it
I AM NOT ALLOWED TO SAY ANYTHING
Last edited by nola baxter; 02-10-2012 at 03:06 PM..
|02-10-2012, 04:40 PM||#210|
Senior LCF Member
fat as obscurity
I noticed in the mirror that some fat is leaving me,
and as I walked this morning I was thinking how the lines of my body (and muscles) are becoming clearer,
And I thought about how fat obscures the body-
and then a few connections became immediately obvious!
my fat obscures me
my fat is obscuring me
when I am fat I am obscure
when I am fat I am in obscurity (protective mantle)
my fat obscures my body
my fat is obscuring my body
I am obscuring my body from myself through fat;(because I dont want to see or feel it- abuse repercussions)
I obscure my body from others- by getting fat
I obscure my body from myself - by fat
I obscure my emotions,
My body obscures my emotions with fat
My body gets fat to obscure my emotions
I can start to see that in some way my body gains weight as a covering to try and obscure and lock away original traumas, hurts and pains;
it is trying to protect me from them.
And when something happens in my life that has the same resonance or feeling as a trauma or bad experience;
this triggers unexplainable or unintended weight gain.
The body tried to protect by becoming physically obscure (gaining weight so abusers wont see you);
and emotionally obscure, with the weight hiding and creating a smokescreen for the deeper pains.
And the body literally locking away memories in the cells of the fat?
If anyone else has any further insight?
Last edited by nola baxter; 02-10-2012 at 04:42 PM..