HCG and food/diet/body issues, working with the inner self.

[minimonkey]

It also may be that as neurotic as I can get about my weight at times, there is a part of me that realizes that gains and losses are small beans in comparison to everything else in my life, and that it isn't worth spending too much of my time and energy on ...

I DO get a lot more neurotic when I am thinner -- this I have definitely noticed. It's almost like the fear of gaining is far worse than the actuality of it.

Hmmm... that seems right on the mark.... I will need to stay with that one for a while!

[SueQ]

I knew I was going to do another round after Christmas, so I decided to eat whatever I liked during Christmas time, but I found myself gorging myself and eating things I don't even like just for the sake of overeating. It was very, very weird, because I have not overeaten in ages! And then I did it again during my recent interruption. Weird. Almost like, I'm never going to eat like this again, so why not go for it, except that I didn't even enjoy it, but I seemed powerless to stop it.

Wow! Almost my experience to a "T". I did my first HCG round Sept - Oct and decided to take a break for the holidays, but not necessarily to indulge. Just to have a break. I stabilized just fine, but found myself testing the boundaries of how much I could eat. It was like I wanted to make sure I was eating as much as I possibly could and not gain. I knew i was probably going to do another round but wasn't committed, and my weight just starting climbing. I only got about 4 lbs over last HCG weight, but I flipped out and started the HCG immediately. Walked off the scale straight to my HCG bottle and put a tablet in my mouth. This was on 12/31. I knew that I was just kicking the problem down the road, because the problem was me and I do not know how to handle maintaining a certain weight, particularly one this new for me.

That is why I am terrified of maintenance and I think one of the reasons it isn't too hard for me to stay on HCG this long. I'm on day 38 and planning to keep at it until I lose the last 20 lbs, so probably another 6 weeks for me. I am so glad I'm starting the heal your life workshop on Sunday because i really need a miracle and lots of healing to be ready to try that again. And the workshop is 6 weeks. Love the synchronicity of that! Plus I'm not really doing a lot of emotional work right now. I'm realizing that reading over all the insights the rest of you are having. I've been talking about my past experiences here so far, not my present. And I'm quite afraid of opening up that door again, but it is time.

Hi Garnet, Hi Shelby!

I did lose the lb I gained this morning, plus another, so I'm feeling good about the way things are going otherwise. I am going to google EMDR too, I am not familiar with that.

I did realize from reading what you have written that I had been thinking of myself as fat, when that is not true anymore. Sure, I have some fat to lose still, quite a bit actually, but the fact is I am a much smaller person that I used to be and fat is not a word anyone would use to describe me today. I am the only one doing that. I like the idea of considering them a holding area for things yet to resolve.

[shelbyla]

So I have been a lot in my head the last few days. I had quite a bit to drink on Sunday (not normal for me) and as usually happens when I drink, I started getting emotional. When I get emotional, I get needy, especially around the men in my life. And we all know men LOVE needy women... Anyway, I got into a conversation with the current bf around him not wanting to be with me and bless his heart, he said he'd love to talk about it...when I was sober. I had a complete breakdown crying jag when I was alone, mostly around why I'm not loveable, why I can never be good enough, why I always dig myself into these situations with men who have no real interest in being with me. And that just makes me try harder which makes them run faster which makes me cling tighter, yada yada. Yesterday was ok--just a whole lot of embarrassed about getting drunk enough to let down my guard. Today, I'm feeling blue again. Possibly ovulation related but who knows. My girlfriends tell me to not overthink things or I'll drive myself crazy. I'm not sure how to approach this. I think maybe some sleep will do me good. May you all rest peacefully tonight...

[SueQ]

Hugs, Shelby. I really think there is a physiological phenomenon to hangovers that involve shame and guilt, and Lord knows we have enough of that already in spades. I think you will feel better after a good night's rest. Just remember it was one day in an otherwise amazing, bright and successful life's journey. It doesn't define who you are today. We are human and we sometimes do things we aren't proud of, but I really believe that it is my purpose in life to exist in an imperfect state and learn the lessons from it that I am here to learn. If we were perfect our work here would be done.

It sounds like you had some cleansing to do, and crying is very cleansing!

Hope tomorrow is a much sunnier day for you.

[minimonkey]

Hugs, Shelby!!

That is almost exactly what happens to me when I drink -- which is one of the main reasons that I rarely drink anymore.

It opens up all the buried stuff, but in a way that isn't really able to be assimilated -- but it does give one clues as to where the real work lies.

Sue! -- wow, your experience and mine really are similar -- I keep running back to p2 rather than master maintenance -- I totally hear you on that. I don't have any answers, but am sending you lots of support and a hope that we can do this together!

[minimonkey]

I ended up eating nothing at all today -- I didn't plan that, but I ended up getting home really late, and just wasn't feeling the desire or need to eat.

I won't make a habit of that... but I guess the load and the hcg really are killing the hunger -- pretty spectacular! I hope it lasts!

[lunagirl704]

Good Morning Ladies:

I started reading a book that addresses the brain chemistry involved in eating disorders (overeating AND restricting) and alcohol/ drug addiction. The author states amino acid deficiency is the cause of these behaviors, and lists several (glutamine for carb cravings, tyrosine for energy, 5htp for depression) etc..Has anyone had experience taking these? Author is the director of a treatment clinic and has many case studies to back this up. If the TOS of this site allows me to post the author/title I will.

[shelbyla]

I take glutamine for the carb cravings and 5-htp to help me sleep. I DO notice when I don't take them but it's good to know the amino acid connection and the connection with the ed's. Thanks Luna! I think I have experimented with tyrosine in the past but stopped taking it--I think it was contraindicted for hypthyroid/hypoadrenal folks. I'll have to check my notes...

[garnet10]

Originally Posted by SueQ

Wow! Almost my experience to a "T". I did my first HCG round Sept - Oct and decided to take a break for the holidays, but not necessarily to indulge. Just to have a break. I stabilized just fine, but found myself testing the boundaries of how much I could eat. It was like I wanted to make sure I was eating as much as I possibly could and not gain. I knew i was probably going to do another round but wasn't committed, and my weight just starting climbing. I only got about 4 lbs over last HCG weight, but I flipped out and started the HCG immediately. Walked off the scale straight to my HCG bottle and put a tablet in my mouth. This was on 12/31. I knew that I was just kicking the problem down the road, because the problem was me and I do not know how to handle maintaining a certain weight, particularly one this new for me.

That is why I am terrified of maintenance and I think one of the reasons it isn't too hard for me to stay on HCG this long. I'm on day 38 and planning to keep at it until I lose the last 20 lbs, so probably another 6 weeks for me. I am so glad I'm starting the heal your life workshop on Sunday because i really need a miracle and lots of healing to be ready to try that again. And the workshop is 6 weeks. Love the synchronicity of that! Plus I'm not really doing a lot of emotional work right now. I'm realizing that reading over all the insights the rest of you are having. I've been talking about my past experiences here so far, not my present. And I'm quite afraid of opening up that door again, but it is time.

Hi Garnet, Hi Shelby!

I did lose the lb I gained this morning, plus another, so I'm feeling good about the way things are going otherwise. I am going to google EMDR too, I am not familiar with that.

I did realize from reading what you have written that I had been thinking of myself as fat, when that is not true anymore. Sure, I have some fat to lose still, quite a bit actually, but the fact is I am a much smaller person that I used to be and fat is not a word anyone would use to describe me today. I am the only one doing that. I like the idea of considering them a holding area for things yet to resolve.

Wow, that's it. I'm terrified of maintenance. I'm going to stick with this thread because until recently I didn't realize how much emotional stuff is interfering with my proverbial "last 10 pounds."

Originally Posted by lunagirl704

Good Morning Ladies:

I started reading a book that addresses the brain chemistry involved in eating disorders (overeating AND restricting) and alcohol/ drug addiction. The author states amino acid deficiency is the cause of these behaviors, and lists several (glutamine for carb cravings, tyrosine for energy, 5htp for depression) etc..Has anyone had experience taking these? Author is the director of a treatment clinic and has many case studies to back this up. If the TOS of this site allows me to post the author/title I will.

I'm glad you posted this, because when I went through my uncontrolled eating, it never occurred to me to try taking glutamine! It's nice to think there might be a tool (I also forgot about things like EFT and what I learned from Overeaters Anonymous) to help get through this.

[nola baxter]

Well, I will start by spewing up my guts this morning before I answer any posts!

It has been another intense 24 hrs for me with lots of stuff coming up.
In my meditation yesterday morning, the key phrase that came for me was;
"EVEN THOUGH I COULDNT RESIST AND I LET MYSELF DOWN " , ( I will love and accept myself anyway)..

I didnt get all the mental comprehension around this,
but just felt deeply that it was one of those deeply keyed in phrases and meditated and did visualized tapping around it, and similar phrases, until I felt a clearance of energy and release.

I knew it had some connection to my relationship with my "bad guy" ;
and has also played itself out in foody issues with the need to control and punish and restrain the body to keep it in check.

I also got a funny little insight last night (which at the time triggered the memory of having been shown it once before);
and that was that because I felt that eating was forbidden to the body,
(because in some way the body had to be punished and shut down),
the only eating I felt free to do was hidden eating;
and this meant "hidden" in many senses;
ie, hidden from others (private or secret eating),
or hidden from myself (unconscious eating- eating on the computer, while reading, or in whatever way dulls the consciousness the the fact that u are eating),
or "sanctioned" eating,
ie, under the umbrella of an "other" authority-
like a diet, or "health lifestyle diet" ;
or knowing that you are truly hungry, and hence should be allowed to eat at this point( but actually really getting to the point of starving hungry before u feel justified to follow this instinct);
or being allowed to eat something because you have sufficiently starved and restricted and restrained yourself beforehand so as to be allowed a small treat or reward..
and similar...

LOL- so after writing this, I realise it is actual a big insight- and has been very much an underlying control factor of my eating patterns!!!
Particularly the "hidden from myself" eating,
and "sanctioned" eating.
Gawd..

[nola baxter]

Well, I just want to send hugs to everyone who is struggling;
and that I really love and value all the sharing that is going on!

I had a long unplanned session in the middle of the night where I went into a kind of meditative flashback time where I could see certain elements of abuse and where I had repeatedly reproduced and re-enacted these elements in my relationships.
It was a real birds-eye view of many aspects, and quite painful in some ways;
I could really see how my trying to make the abuse "ok"
( or justified/allowable because "they/he does really love me");
had caused me to continue to allow the same abuse over and over again, because it was "ok"!

I felt /feel , very sad that I so much needed to feel that I wasnt being abused, that I needed to make it "ok".
And that the part of me that needed to feel love and was telling myself that they still loved me despite the abuse, was the bit perpetuating the abuse;
because in my psyche, these people were telling me they loved me, or they were people who were supposed to love me, and if someone who was supposed to love me was abusing me-
it must mean that I was unlovable!
and be the most unlovable person in the world..

(sorry for the bad grammar and sentencing- sometimes its just hard to get this stuff out in a coherent form)

I saw my "bad guy" yesterday, and a couple of things came up-
things that have been make or break issues for him in the past.
I came home afterwards, and was tapping on the stuff,
and at some point I had this thought-
Do I really want a wounded bird? (some of this stuff triggered by your post on "wounded birds" Mini)
And this strong feeling came out of my soul-
"I want a whole man who can love me for who I am".

I know I can have a relationship with this man- but because of his immaturity and unwholeness, I will be the one dragging him along, being the adult and the mother in the process,
and doing all the emotional work for both of us.

During the my middle of the night insights- I also saw that my "wounded bird" pattern was part of the abuse matrix,
ie, I "shouldered" the responsibility of the abuse (because it was my fault because I was unlovable);
and now I am still "shouldering" the emotional responsibilty in relationships,
and taking the load- being the mother (or something similar).

And actually within my "whole" self - I want something better , something more balanced, give and take, where a man is grown up enough to actually think of and care for me and not still be so locked in his own childish emotional patterns that he can only think or act on behalf of himself.

My tapping in the evening also brought up this other sense;
I could feel my mother-
and the whole way in which we had to be a particular "rightness" or have certain behaviours, looks and achievements, to get her approval and love.
If we varied from this circle of "rightness", we incurred judgement, disapproval, and the sense of being cut off from love.
I could see that this was exactly the same scenario that was being duplicated in what happened with my man;
I did something he had a heavy judgement of disapproval about (parenting issues),
and when this happens, he makes a harsh emotional cut off;
and either physically breaks off the relationship, or emotionally cuts himself off from you, in some way.
Hence the removal of love when you are not achieving the standards, or doing what they think you should be doing, or whatever ..
So in my life as a child, I had a strong feeling of fear around going outside the "circle of behaviour and achievement", because this entailed the feeling of, or a loss of love.
And this kind of aura of fear has had an unconscious restraining affect around my life and behaviour- hindering my ability to feel like I can be free to be myself.
And also enabling a core belief;
"I CAN ONLY BE LOVED IF I DO AND ACT AND AM EXACTLY AS THE OTHER PERSON WANTS ME TO BE" !!
ah, ouch..

And again , while I was tapping on this stuff-
the feeling and desire comes up ;
" I want to be loved for who I am, not be in a restrictive relationship where being loved depends on me making the right acts or behaviour (or in the case with some men- being sexy enough)! "

So much there..
And I havent even written all that has come up!

I had dreams last night too-
in one dream, I looked out the window and saw a large slug-like monster coming to the house. I called out to my son, shut the front door,
shut the door!
So I go into the room and he is looking out- and hasnt shut the door;
I say shut the door! and as I am shutting it the monster is slamming against the door and coming in.
At this point something deep and strong arises in my gut and I say to the monster
"in the name of Jesus (remants of christian upbringing), GET OUT!"
Then I actually wake up- and I can physically feel this strong feeling in my gut-
like a deep gut feeling of preservation that has come up and said- no more, I wont have it!, get out! I deserve better, you dont have the right, you cant come in here, I wont let you come in here..

Earlier in the night I had another dream- I was in a shower and was feeling really gutted and crying, and there was a man there offering soap and comfort, and I felt he was safe, and I could lean on him and trust him, and as I was leaning on him and he was comforting me,
I was saying :
no more , I just cant take it one more time;
and I was weeping and weeping.

(ok- so now I remember!)-
it was at this point in the dream when I got out of the shower and went to the other room to look in the mirror at my face because I had been crying and was aware my face would look a mess, and make-up run etc.
so it was as I was looking in the mirror, and trying to splash water over my face to clean it (it was looking a mess),
that I looked out the window and saw the slug monster coming!!!

[nola baxter]

Other bits I am remembering,

The bit about love and abuse is where my matrix has got all confused;
ie, because the abusers were supposed to be loving me, or pupporting love,
and there was some elements of feeling love there intertwined with the abuse;
my coding has enmeshed the two,
love and abuse..
love=abuse..
if someone loves you they abuse you
if someone abuses you they love you
and so on..

And the other part;
I got a sense of always when there has been abuse, or I have attracted abusive type relationships,
is at times when I have been very vulnerable and needing;
or more specifically;
feeling empty of love, companionship, attention , or something-
desperately needing something, and needing to to have my empty bucket filled in some way.

So right at the time I am needing something- along comes an abuser, who looks and acts like he is going to fulfill some of these needs,
but it is really the false guise of someone who is actually going to strip me of self-worth, and drain me of everything I have got , and potentially use and abuse me!

Or ;
the other scenario- the abuser does seem to fulfill some of my needs , for love, or affection, or for the feeling of being loved;
but only at the expense of compromising my soul
ie, being or doing something that is not who I truly am (being a cipher),
or doing something that feels wrong , bad, or sick, to me,
or having to be someone whom I am really not,
and all such similar things!

[minimonkey]

Nola -- WOW! That is some incredibly powerful stuff coming up -- so much of it speaks so loudly to me at the moment, it's insane. I can't quite begin to respond to it yet.

Luna, it's fine to post the names of books and authors -- just no links to sites that sell any products that compete with Netrition -- at least that is my understanding of the TOS.

I'm off to a good start on protocol day two -- and down 2.4 from yesterday's high loading weight ... feeling good so far. Still doing the emotional work daily with the EMDR, and I think that is proving very useful. I'll write in more depth about what is coming up when I have put some of it together more thoroughly.

I have shivers from reading your post, Nola -- this whole thread is blowing my mind with the honesty and insight withing it. You ladies are amazing!

[minimonkey]

Feeling reasonably good in my skin today, all things considered. Of course, the 2.4 lb drop this morning didn't hurt in that department, lol -- but given that I am still quite a few pounds above where I was a couple of weeks ago, I'm feeling pretty good.

Second day of protocol is going fine -- I am eating my allotted calories, and feeling a tad hungry even then, but nothing unbearable. I will be pushing liquids tonight -- that always helps.

I'm trying to keep tabs on my feelings all through this -- the sense of deprivation on p2, the feelings when I see a loss or a gain, the way I feel in my body -- it's interesting to note.

I'm off to teach tonight, so it'll be a fast and furious evening - high energy, but very enjoyable too -- I have to have be very "on" when I teach, so there isn't a lot of time to wallow in my own stuff, which is rather nice all around.

[lunagirl704]

Mini- I'm hoping a great night of teaching ...and the rush from it will curb your appetite...! I had a productive day at work and dh was off so he helped with the kids...nice My appetite was under control today ...this with tom on the way...so all is good. The book I mentioned in an earlier thread is amazing. I ordered the supplements. Can I name the book on here?

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by SueQ

That is why I am terrified of maintenance and I think one of the reasons it isn't too hard for me to stay on HCG this long. I'm on day 38 and planning to keep at it until I lose the last 20 lbs, so probably another 6 weeks for me. I am so glad I'm starting the heal your life workshop on Sunday because i really need a miracle and lots of healing to be ready to try that again. And the workshop is 6 weeks. Love the synchronicity of that! Plus I'm not really doing a lot of emotional work right now. I'm realizing that reading over all the insights the rest of you are having. I've been talking about my past experiences here so far, not my present. And I'm quite afraid of opening up that door again, but it is time.

Hi Sue

I think of that phrase, "a time and season for everything"!

The last time I got really deep into the same stuff I am dealing with now,
my son- 9 months old at the time, suddenly became very sick,
and vomited for 3 nights and 2 days!
I could do nothing else but look after him day and night in a continuous stream (I was on my own).
I cant see it as a coincidence, the timing was just too critical;
I had just started to uncover some very deep dark areas in my life around abuse and punishment (physical), and was feeling overwhelmed;
and like I was walking into "Nightmare in Elm Street", or similar..
Then that same evening, my son got sick!
Maybe my soul just wasnt ready to deal with it all at the time;
and now I am ??

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by lunagirl704

Mini- I'm hoping a great night of teaching ...and the rush from it will curb your appetite...! I had a productive day at work and dh was off so he helped with the kids...nice My appetite was under control today ...this with tom on the way...so all is good. The book I mentioned in an earlier thread is amazing. I ordered the supplements. Can I name the book on here?

Is it "The Diet Cure", by Julia Ross?
lol- I will name it and see what happens..

I read it, and liked it alot;
but I took a couple of things and for me there was not much difference . It just wasnt the major key in my case.
But I like the bit where she says a person with a healthy metabolism/body should be able to eat a decent amount of food,
and not be in mega food restriction.
She herself said she ate around 3000 cals a day and wasnt active, and considered this a reasonable standard to go by!
Which means I should be on 4000 cals a day..lol
(paraphrasing from memory!)

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by shelbyla

So I have been a lot in my head the last few days. I had quite a bit to drink on Sunday (not normal for me) and as usually happens when I drink, I started getting emotional. When I get emotional, I get needy, especially around the men in my life. And we all know men LOVE needy women... Anyway, I got into a conversation with the current bf around him not wanting to be with me and bless his heart, he said he'd love to talk about it...when I was sober. I had a complete breakdown crying jag when I was alone, mostly around why I'm not loveable, why I can never be good enough, why I always dig myself into these situations with men who have no real interest in being with me. And that just makes me try harder which makes them run faster which makes me cling tighter, yada yada. Yesterday was ok--just a whole lot of embarrassed about getting drunk enough to let down my guard. Today, I'm feeling blue again. Possibly ovulation related but who knows. My girlfriends tell me to not overthink things or I'll drive myself crazy. I'm not sure how to approach this. I think maybe some sleep will do me good. May you all rest peacefully tonight...

Well, I would say- dont feel bad about it!!
I would look at it as a happening that has just opened up a window into your soul so you can see some of the things that are hurting you at an underlying level.
Find a process or method that suits you, and enables you to look inside and access the inner stuff ;
to facilitate understanding where it all comes from, and being able to deal with it and offload it.

It can and does happen- I dont believe we are meant to carry this stuff for the rest of our lives!
And we are only shown it so we can deal with it;
not in order to make us feel bad.

And be gentle to yourself- we all have these issues of some sort!
It is not evidence of something wrong with you..

[minimonkey]

Luna

I'm pretty sure it is fine to name books, informational websites, etc -- and even to post links as long as the sites don't sell anything that presents competition to Netrition (or, in the case of hcg, that facilitates buying anything illegal or in a legal grey area).

Now I am interested in the book (assuming it is the one Nola mentioned) and will look that one up!

[minimonkey]

I ate my protocol food today, took my drops, and am now not the least bit hungry This is very, very cool. I hope the rest of the round goes this well -- if it does, I'll have an easy time with it.

2 days down, 20-something more to go --

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by garnet10

Yeah, I have thought that, too. I have come very far with letting go of things in the last year or so I had higher hopes for my present thighs. Ironically, after posting today it just came to me that this is my body shape, and although I may finally make it into size 8 pants, I will probably never attain the shape I dreamt of, (partly genetics and partly my unwillingness to obsessively exercise), and I'm okay with that, especially since my sweet husband told me today that he thought I looked "great" and didn't care if I lost more weight from my thighs.

It took me a long time to realize hCG was not going to re-shape my body into something more "normal". This was a real hard one for me. I was going to post my before and "almost" after pics, when I realized my thighs didn't look dramatically different! I actually looked at my pics and thought, "I can't post these!!!" But when I lose my last 10, I will post them. I don't want other pear-shaped ladies to be disappointed if the reshaping doesn't happen for them.

I am also going to work hard this round on removing those inner sabotages--I know I can stabilize--I've done it before!

Thank you so much for starting this thread!

I think it is good to post the pics- even though they may not represent a particular success (reshaping) that you think they should!
Maybe it helps for other people to see that particular reality ,
and feel okay about it when hcg doesnt neccessarily solve all their problems either!

I am glad your husband is affirming- that goes a long way!

I will let you know if my saddlebags suddenly drop off as I am doing this work!
lol..

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

I ate my protocol food today, took my drops, and am now not the least bit hungry This is very, very cool. I hope the rest of the round goes this well -- if it does, I'll have an easy time with it.

2 days down, 20-something more to go --

Yay!
Maybe eating all that food did something good.

[minimonkey]

Nola -- I think the loading and the new, real-deal drops are both making a huge difference -- I honestly feel quite good at the moment. We'll see what happens as the round continues, but I am hopeful at the moment....

Off to impart knowledge to impressionable minds, now... wha ha ha!!!

[nola baxter]

I had two particular and related insights today.

One was, as I looked at my body -
I could see some fat gone, but definitely some excess remains!
But I felt clearly, that as I looked at it, that as I do the inner work , any excess fat will leave, and drop off, as a natural uninhibited process.

I have also been trying to work out the ins and outs of my relationship with my "bad guy",
trying to see if the relationship is solely a function or manifestation of the abuse matrix and should be axed;
or if there will be something left there after all the abuse aspects have been dis-entwined!
ie, is there real love there, or is it just abuse conditioning,
and when thats all gone there will be nothing left in or of the relationship?!

But I kind of realised -
I dont need to try and work it out in my head or overanalyse it, or guard in advance against it,
but as I deal with the inner issues,
the relationship will take form as it is meant to,
and in a natural way;
ie;
it will just drop off if there is no resonance left after the abuse aspects are gone,
or if there is something left, that will be clear and shown too, and it will be purer and better!
I wont need to go hunting for answers, it will happen as a natural process on its own.

I dont need to manipulate the process in any way,
same as the diet thing- I dont have to manipulate or engineer the process- just do the inner work and all else will follow.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

Well -- the disgust only lasted a few minutes -- and the rest of the day has just been me trying to feel the difference in my body now, versus two weeks ago -- marveling at how fast the body can change, feeling the difference in how it is to inhabit a bigger versus a smaller body, etc.

I like this,
kind of a bit detached and zen.

I am feeling more accepting of my larger size too, though not completely enthralled over it!;
and as is the case with you,
other people may not even notice it;
but to me it is a big deal,
and an imperfection! (hmm- underlying attitude there..)

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

Nola -- WOW! That is some incredibly powerful stuff coming up -- so much of it speaks so loudly to me at the moment, it's insane. I can't quite begin to respond to it yet.

Hiya

It is powerful, and the ball is rolling so fast now I can hardly keep up with it! I am saying to the powers that be, please just slow down a tad!

I feel like a whole floor of my psyche has opened up, but now I have to clear out all the debri.

I am becoming fully aware of the "encoding" ;
and becoming so amazed by how it works;
and how a particular encoded phrase branches out and manifests as a live reality into all aspects of our lives.
I can really see it and feel it as I uncover stuff;
I can see the patterns .
And when I uncover a phrase that has a real resonance, and then get insights and understandings as how this phrase is operating in my life;
it is fascinating and exciting! - even in spite of the sometimes negative aspects involved.
I would say an encoded phrase is something similar to a core belief,
and normally unconscious, but very much the ground on which our lives take form and are manifested!

For instance- this morning I started tapping on;
"even though I am the mother"
and the tapping went round and round to different aspects and angles of that;
even though I supplanted my mother,
even though I was made the mother, even though I was a child
even though I was the mother
even though I didnt want to be the mother,
even though I never wanted to be the mother
even though I was made to be like a mother,
even though I was a mother and I didnt want to be,
even though I became my mother,
even though I have become as my mother,

And while tapping on this stuff I could feel/see the realities, and how they were manifest in the past (during the abuse), and in the present
ie,
in an abuse situation I was made as my mother, by taking her place,
I felt bad that I was (unwittingly) supplanting her place,
I didnt want to be made my mother, as I was still a child and it was a role that felt wrong and overwhelming.
I was not physically ready to be a mother- my body was not ready for it.
I was not emotionally ready to be a mother- my psyche was not ready for it.
I could see how I took the "mother" aspect into my relationships, and became the mother there- perpetuating an inappropriate role.
and so on..
the implications were widespread and fascinating!

I could have never even imagined such a thing!- it just wasnt in my conscious psyche.

[SueQ]

Originally Posted by lunagirl704

Good Morning Ladies:

I started reading a book that addresses the brain chemistry involved in eating disorders (overeating AND restricting) and alcohol/ drug addiction. The author states amino acid deficiency is the cause of these behaviors, and lists several (glutamine for carb cravings, tyrosine for energy, 5htp for depression) etc..Has anyone had experience taking these? Author is the director of a treatment clinic and has many case studies to back this up. If the TOS of this site allows me to post the author/title I will.

Interesting. I do take l-glutamine, is it the same thing, I wonder? I am also a recovered alcoholic. I thought the L-glut helped preserve muscle mass when losing weight and also helped with cravings.

[nola baxter]

The thing that has come up right now;

"even though all my loves are illegitimate!"

(all my relationships have been illegitimate in some way-
either the man has a partner,
he is unsuitable in some fashion,
or unacceptable in some fashion,
or majorly incompatible,
or something!)

The insight I have so far is that this stems from the abuse;
where the relationship was illegitimate (wrong , bad, inappropriate),
and that it felt deeply wrong on some levels,
but yet , there were still some feeling of love there for me in the situation with the abuser.

My tapping invovled statements like this;
even though my love is illegitimate,
even though all my loves are illegimate,
even though I shouldnt love this man (cause he is abusing me at the same time!)
even though I am not allowed to love in this situation,
EVEN THOUGH I AM WRONG TO FEEL LOVE IN THIS SITUATION ( a key phrase)
even though I am wrong to love this man,
even though it feels wrong to love this man
even though something wrong about loving this man
even though this man is wrong for me
EVEN THOUGH THIS LOVE IS ILLEGITIMATE
and
EVEN THOUGH MY FEELINGS ARE ILLEGITIMATE (a key core belief here- with widespread implications, of how my feelings just arent right!-
cant be trusted, or allowed , have to be shut down, axed , annihilated, etc)

Right- I know you guys will be sick to death of me now!
I am going to go and have a hot drink..
I am doing too much processing to have time to eat much food- thats why I will lose weight

[SueQ]

Originally Posted by nola baxter

I got a sense of always when there has been abuse, or I have attracted abusive type relationships,
is at times when I have been very vulnerable and needing;
or more specifically;
feeling empty of love, companionship, attention , or something-
desperately needing something, and needing to to have my empty bucket filled in some way.

Reading this took me in a weird direction. I am fond of the "bad boy" relationships. I have never considered them abusive relationships, which may be another truth I have yet to face. But you know, the hard-to-get, edgy guys who are "cool" and kind of dangerous. Who forget to call, or only show up late at night, but just often enough, pay you some real attention? Anyway, I have this idea in my mind that love will turn them around, although I don't really want them to be "good", I still want them to be jerks to everyone but me. Because then I am special. And generally I use my financial independence, good job, responsible mother type status to try to attract them; not the real things about me that there are to love.

I ended my last such relationship approx 15 years ago and immediately put on 100 lbs. I had never been really overweight until that point in my life. And I have not dated a single time since then. So this weight loss brings up a lot of fears about my own dysfunction in relationships because my fat is my protection from myself in that area of my life.

I am doing my best to overcome it with the healing work, but I get really angry when someone mentions men or dating or naturally assumes I am losing weight to find a man. I've been very fortunate that I am quite accustomed to not having one, and don't miss having one at all right now. That may change along with everything else, but I am trusting that it won't happen before I can handle it.

[SueQ]

Mini, glad you are feeling good! Hope you have a good night teaching. I think I have to go off and journal now because Nola is waking up my demons...LOL!