HCG and food/diet/body issues, working with the inner self. - Page 5

minimonkey · 02-06-2012, 01:01 AM

Nola -- I chuckled out loud when I read about your son's playmate's scooter -- oh, yes... that is JUST how the trickster works, and that is when he is being subtle!

Ha ha, indeed!

I have been getting a ton of that stuff recently -- and a lot of strange instances of coming full circle to where I was a number of years ago, through no doing of my own.

Sometimes there's no option but to run with it, when life starts playing with one in this way -- resisting it doesn't work, except to make one miserable.

minimonkey · 02-06-2012, 01:10 AM

Not being able to trust one's perceptions is part and parcel of the aftermath of abuse -- it's true for almost everyone who has been through it ... sexual abuse is particularly prone to creating that in its survivors, though all kinds of abuse can do it.

Abuse trauma shatters the self in so many ways -- it is pretty overwhelming to think about it --

I like to think (in my current Jungian state of mind) that it isn't coincidence that we all find ourselves here right now ... that we have a lot to learn from each other, and that there is a plan in place.....

I am grateful for you wonderful, brave women -- thank you for being my fellow travelers on this journey!

C'Marie · 02-06-2012, 01:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nola baxter

When I first encountered it, it was like going into a big dark cavern with monsters lurking in every corner!

Now there is a little more light, and I have managed to get through the dark to the light at the other side enough times to feel not so afraid of going there again.

And facing the monsters does make them go away, in the end..

AMEN. I really believe that.

minimonkey · 02-06-2012, 07:45 AM

Morning, lovelies! I also totally believe that facing our monsters is the only way to heal --
and we are brave for doing it!

Speaking of monsters, I got on the scale -- post load weight is 113.4. I am not freaking out -- just really ready to move forward now. I suspect some of that weight will drop off pretty fast this coming week.

I'm not at all hungry this morning -- yahooooo for that! Protocol, I'm ready. Black coffee for me this morning -- and a big plate of hopefulness that this will work.

I'll be doing loose clothing this week -- lol! That's fine, all part of the process.

minimonkey · 02-06-2012, 02:35 PM

My drops are here!!!

Well -- since I was still feeling very zen about the scale this afternoon, I decided to do one more moderate loading day. The loading is making a huge difference, so I am going to do today with the new drops in my body -- and then launch in the morning.

I think I could have done it without loading today, but why not give myself the benefit of the doubt as much as possible? If the scale is up a little more tomorrow, so be it -- though it may not be, at least not much, because I am just not able to choke down gazillions of calories today.

I hope the extra load day will make for a truly hunger free round, and good losses too.

minimonkey · 02-06-2012, 02:44 PM

I can't believe how not bothered I am by the loading gain -- the EMDR must have shaken something up in a good way.

Don't get me wrong -- I'd love to see no gain from today's mini-load, and I'd love to see a great round with a steep descent on the scale to goal -- but I thought I might be way panicked to see that higher number, and I just don't feel it today.

I feel, on some deep level, that this round (including the load) is going to fix something that is broken -- and I am ready to let that happen.

SueQ · 02-06-2012, 07:30 PM

I think loading while taking the HCG is really important, but I don't know why. That is just what my dr told me to do. And I loaded REALLY well this round and my time doing VCLD has been so much easier than the first round. So good call on that!

I'm experiencing something strange and new and maybe it doesn't belong on this thread, but since I've been hanging out here I'll ask about it. Warning, it is probably more than you want to know about certain female and other bodily functions!

I take a lot of magnesium each day. I drink CALM to help keep me "regular" plus I take a multi and cal-mag-zinc because I've had a lot of issues with muscle twitches this round. So basically I am extremely "regular" and it isn't even solid. Sorry, TMI, but germaine to my question! I drink 4-5 liters of water a day.

My TOM is weird this round, been having them every two weeks, and it is that time again. Last night, I was so thirsty. I just kept drinking water, but I also noticed I was retaining a lot. My eyes were puffy from it and I felt super bloated. I also was not "regular" yesterday in the elimination area. I gained a lb this morning. No cheating or off-protocol stuff at all.

Do you think this is TOM/hormone stuff, or water retention in anticipation of a whoosh? I never have issues like this, HCG or not. I am thinking it will pass like everything else, but wondered if anyone else has had this happen.

minimonkey · 02-06-2012, 09:42 PM

SueQ -- I love the avatar!! So nice to have a face to go with the name... and a lovely face it is, too

Funny you should mention the body business -- I've been having a similar thing happen. Despite magnesium (oxycleanse,) I have been retaining water and also fighting constipation. I have also been very thirsty! I have no answers for you, but at least I can say you aren't alone.

Even the hhcg tends to mess up my cycle -- and now it has been missing in action for 2 months -- wonder what the actual hcg will do to it?

SueQ · 02-06-2012, 09:47 PM

Thanks, Mini!

HCG didn't affect my cycle at all the first time, but this time it sure is. It could be peri-menopause too (my doctor's favorite go-to excuse for everything!) but the timing sure is coincidental.

Ok, I've been reading other posts and I have to ask. I thought a whoosh was a big weight loss day but then I read someone's journal where he was clearly talking about diarrhea. I would like to make sure I use the right words. Which is it?????

minimonkey · 02-06-2012, 10:09 PM

Most people use whoosh to mean a big drop in weight -- usually from water retention going away -- so you are correct in your usage of that "non-word" ...lol!

I'm in perimenopause too, so it is hard to tell whats what with TOM -- but it got wonky right after starting the hhcg, so I have to think there is some connection.

Thanks for the vote of confidence about loading -- I followed my intuition on this one, and it said load one more day -- so I did.

I will be starting the real drops tonight -- and protcol in the morning -- and I am excited.

I'm not mad at myself for gaining, either -- it is what it is. I am doing what the protocol calls for, and that's doing something good in the long run.

I actually found loading pretty freeing, on the whole ... and it reminded me that I don't want to eat heaps of calories all the time --

I'm looking forward to a round without hunger, and to easy, fast losses

I really hope it works out that way!

SueQ · 02-06-2012, 10:38 PM

I have a very strong feeling that you are on the right path, too, for what it is worth! I think it is all the positive, accepting energy in your posts. All that body, mind, spirit harmony has got to be a sign of good things to come!

I'm choking down a glass of water with apple cider vinegar in hopes it helps with the water retention, then calling it a night. Have a wonderful tomorrow

nola baxter · 02-06-2012, 11:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by minimonkey

Sometimes there's no option but to run with it, when life starts playing with one in this way -- resisting it doesn't work, except to make one miserable.

Agreed!
I wanted to resist like crazy when this stuff first hit,
but now that I have passed through that resistance, things are starting to flow!

nola baxter · 02-06-2012, 11:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by minimonkey

I can't believe how not bothered I am by the loading gain -- the EMDR must have shaken something up in a good way.

Don't get me wrong -- I'd love to see no gain from today's mini-load, and I'd love to see a great round with a steep descent on the scale to goal -- but I thought I might be way panicked to see that higher number, and I just don't feel it today.

I feel, on some deep level, that this round (including the load) is going to fix something that is broken -- and I am ready to let that happen.

It is good how things are changing for you!

I think the work you are doing on the inner should facilitate and allow for healing on the outer,
I believe I can feel this happening for myself.

I can feel shifts in my food needs and attitudes, subtle things at times, but they are there.
I am "allowing" much more, not resisting so much, and feeling freer and easier about food, and my body.

Yes, I look in the mirror, and I see my body is not quite how I want it, and has some extra weight on, and saddlebags and cellulite, but I can accept it more lovingly now.

I am not trying to engineer weight loss at the moment, but very much going with the flow with my eating;
and watching not to go into restrict mode in an attempt to get weight off,
and watching and feeling the body to feel how much food and what food to eat at any given time,
and allowing for feelings to come up;
ie, I am eating more, and so I might gain weight
or, I am eating less, and I might lose weight..
and being a bit more Zen about either option!

But how I am really treating it now, is that I am seeing my body as a manifestation of whats going on inside.
So if its not looking good on the outside, I am thinking, ok,
so what inner reality or feeling am I manifesting through my body still-
ie, feeling of shame, being bad, feeling fat, ugly, unworthy, needing to be punished, etc etc..
So working from the inner to the outer, rather than the outer to the inner
(going on a diet or imposing a regime).

nola baxter · 02-07-2012, 12:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by minimonkey

Not being able to trust one's perceptions is part and parcel of the aftermath of abuse -- it's true for almost everyone who has been through it ... sexual abuse is particularly prone to creating that in its survivors, though all kinds of abuse can do it.

Abuse trauma shatters the self in so many ways -- it is pretty overwhelming to think about it --

I like to think (in my current Jungian state of mind) that it isn't coincidence that we all find ourselves here right now ... that we have a lot to learn from each other, and that there is a plan in place.....

I am grateful for you wonderful, brave women -- thank you for being my fellow travelers on this journey!

I dont think its a coincidence we are all here right now.
I have already noticed that some of the stuff people have said is synchronistic to stuff I am working on -
and has opened up a window up to show me something I was not seeing before.

My big question right now is around my perceptions, and what part of them I can trust!

Things have been going hot and heavy for me on the inner and the outer,
with food/body issues dovetailing with relationship issues, and abuse (sexual).
I have had some definite opening up and clearing of some stuff,
around ;
"I CANT LET GO" (relating to all feelings in the body, natural body instincts desires and function, natural hunger, emotional feelings, and so on)

"I cant trust my feelings!" ( on all levels- body feelings and emotions)

"I HAVE TO RESIST and GUARD AGAINST MY FEELINGS " (emotional, feelings of hunger, or any natural instinctive feeling that comes to me)

"I HAVE TO CONTROL AND MONITOR MY FEELINGS, because they cant be trusted!!!"

A feeling profound unworthiness, like being less than the dust under someones feet-
(the feeling of being treated as a tool for someone elses gratification and discarded like **** after being broken, used and abused.)
As I felt this feeling of unworthiness, I could also feel it as an actual sensation in my body, I could feel tightness and tensions of muscles, and sensations of abuse.
And I also got a birdseye view of a few of my relationships where this same exact feeling has been triggered, (usually by an incident of bad treatment of some sort in the relationship);
and I understood, that the men involved were actually holding this same feeling of unworthiness (and like they were worth ****), inside themselves,
and acting it out externally/projecting it externally onto the other partner-
in this case me!

So after all this lot, I got up and texted my "bad guy",
who was wanting to meet up;
I told him to go away unless he was fully serious- and could act on what he says (ie, he loves me).
He wanted to come round and talk;
so he did, and I accepted what he had to say..
The whole intricacies of my relationship with this man would take pages to write,
but in essence,
he is immature, and seems to congenitally treat women like ****(doesnt fully realise it). He has the matrix of abuse and has not really worked on it.
I have had to call him on it alot, in one way or another;
and to give him credit, he has often stepped up to the mark and been authentic.
There are masses of seeming incompatibilities in this relationship,
but a deep visceral feeling, on both sides.
If I could put it into words- I would say , my body and heart love him,
but my head goes WTH??!!

But to cut it short, the thing I am wondering right now, are are my feelings for him stemming from a kind of matrix that connects love and abuse?
Or are they true feelings from the soul?
Or a damn confusing combo of both?!

Working on it...

nola baxter · 02-07-2012, 12:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by minimonkey

I'm not mad at myself for gaining, either -- it is what it is. I am doing what the protocol calls for, and that's doing something good in the long run.

I actually found loading pretty freeing, on the whole ... and it reminded me that I don't want to eat heaps of calories all the time --

Okay, throwing a wild card out at you!

"I am not mad at myself for gaining , either---it is what it is. I am doing what the protocol calls for, and thats doing something good in the long run"

I am reading that as;
"I can let myself eat because it is in the rules"
or,
"because an external authority or system makes it ok"
rather than-
I can load and eat because its okay to follow my body,
or,I feel free to eat because I am hungry,
or, I just jolly well feel like eating!!

Hmm - I still like eating lots of calories most of the time!!
that may never change! lol

minimonkey · 02-07-2012, 12:47 AM

I think what you are doing is pretty amazing, Nola -- and it has inspired me!

I am working both ways though -- outer and inner together (at least I hope so).

I'll keep working with it -- pay attention to the feelings that come up as I lose during this round (or, if I stall, what comes up there) -- etc.

I keep doing EMDR around the idea that I can reach goal and maintain without effort - also that it is safe for me to be at my goal weight --

And both of those are bringing up some major stuff -- so there is resistance there.

Oddly enough, I am having trouble letting go of the idea that I need to struggle to maintain! That, ostensibly, is what I want -- but I think I don't feel I deserve to be at goal unless I struggle and suffer.... I think I have a lot of attachment to the struggle.

I want to be able to let that go.

minimonkey · 02-07-2012, 12:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nola baxter

Okay, throwing a wild card out at you!

"I am not mad at myself for gaining , either---it is what it is. I am doing what the protocol calls for, and thats doing something good in the long run"

I am reading that as;
"I can let myself eat because it is in the rules"
or,
"because an external authority or system makes it ok"
rather than-
I can load and eat because its okay to follow my body,
or,I feel free to eat because I am hungry,
or, I just jolly well feel like eating!!

Hmm - I still like eating lots of calories most of the time!!
that may never change! lol

Dead on it, Nola! Good call! That is exactly why I feel okay about it

minimonkey · 02-07-2012, 12:59 AM

I definitely have that love and abuse matrix -- though it isn't strictly abuse for me anymore, but "love and suffering/sacrifice" -- I choose relationships that require a lot from me, sometimes way too much --

You know how there's that colloquialism about "someone who picks up wounded birds" -- meaning someone who takes in broken people and tries to help them?

Well, I LITERALLY take in wounded birds... that's why I have 12 pigeons and five doves! Don't get me wrong... I adore my birds -- and the three most disabled pigeons are my favorites of them all, and I am blessed to have their presence in my life -- but it is also an interesting metaphor for the types of people I surround myself with.

shelbyla · 02-07-2012, 05:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by minimonkey

I definitely have that love and abuse matrix -- though it isn't strictly abuse for me anymore, but "love and suffering/sacrifice" -- I choose relationships that require a lot from me, sometimes way too much

Well, ouch. THAT one hit pretty close to home. I need to think about that a bit. You guys are so much better at this stuff than I am but just know that I am reading and absorbing and processing over here. And also thanking the powers that be for you guys. Really.

nola baxter · 02-07-2012, 08:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by minimonkey

Dead on it, Nola! Good call! That is exactly why I feel okay about it

LOL

nola baxter · 02-07-2012, 08:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by minimonkey

I think what you are doing is pretty amazing, Nola -- and it has inspired me!

I am working both ways though -- outer and inner together (at least I hope so).

I'll keep working with it -- pay attention to the feelings that come up as I lose during this round (or, if I stall, what comes up there) -- etc.

I keep doing EMDR around the idea that I can reach goal and maintain without effort - also that it is safe for me to be at my goal weight --

And both of those are bringing up some major stuff -- so there is resistance there.

Oddly enough, I am having trouble letting go of the idea that I need to struggle to maintain! That, ostensibly, is what I want -- but I think I don't feel I deserve to be at goal unless I struggle and suffer.... I think I have a lot of attachment to the struggle.

I want to be able to let that go.

I looked up the EMDR again, and it looks good.
I have got into the groove with EFT though, and am so used to using it,
so will stay with that until I hit something I cant shift- and need another tool.

I have a bit of that struggle thing too (and am looking to see where it has come from)-
but on the other hand I feel within myself that leaness should be a natural easy relaxed state,
and not have to be a forced one-
or be a constant battle and struggle to maintain.
A fit active healthy person should just naturally fall into that groove.

I think whichever way you choose, inner or outer, it is about staying with the consciousness and awareness of the process of what is happening internally as you do these things.

I decided for myself that I didnt have to jump off any cliffs and let go of anything (food controls) unless it felt comfortable for me;
but becoming more aware of why I might want to restrain and restrict , and even of the fact that I am restricting and restraining, was a good start for me .
As I work with the inner issues, I am releasing more external control around food and diet;
it is happening in a kind of see-saw balancing act, negotiating between the flow of the two.

nola baxter · 02-07-2012, 09:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shelbyla

Well, ouch. THAT one hit pretty close to home. I need to think about that a bit. You guys are so much better at this stuff than I am but just know that I am reading and absorbing and processing over here. And also thanking the powers that be for you guys. Really.

cool

garnet10 · 02-07-2012, 10:10 AM

Wow, this thread is amazing, and I think this is where I need to be right now. Especially since I discovered this morning that I have been losing and re-losing the same weight since May 2011!!!!! Splurged during an awesome two-week vacation, (didn't overeat but didn't watch what I ate) but then....here's the problem:

I knew I was going to do another round after Christmas, so I decided to eat whatever I liked during Christmas time, but I found myself gorging myself and eating things I don't even like just for the sake of overeating. It was very, very weird, because I have not overeaten in ages! And then I did it again during my recent interruption. Weird. Almost like, I'm never going to eat like this again, so why not go for it, except that I didn't even enjoy it, but I seemed powerless to stop it.

And here's my real negative thought--I look at myself now, 52 pounds lighter, as overweight. It's almost as if the last couple of years when I gained all that weight never happened, and I'm back to being always 10 pounds overweight and not happy with my body. I look at my cellulite and saddlebags and I'm frustrated that I thought this diet would resolve these issues, and it hasn't.

I'm hoping I will feel better about myself once I start exercising again, but I'm not too pleased with how I have been behaving about this diet for the past several months. I have to stop looking back and just move forward, but I really feel now I have to work on some mental/emotional stuff to avoid this yo-yo effect.

minimonkey · 02-07-2012, 10:50 AM

Well -- I certainly did gain loading!

My zen is being challenged a bit this morning -- and I don't have a lot of time to stay with the process today -- so I will be placing all my trust in the aforementioned external authority, and going forwards with a protocol day.

If I am honest with myself, I am a bit disgusted at this recent, rapid loading and p3 gain...

minimonkey · 02-07-2012, 11:24 AM

Dude, I looked at my body naked in the mirror -- this weight pretty much all went straight to my thighs and butt

My zen is definitely shaken. But, I will attend to how it feels to walk around in this body, the good and the bad ... and stay with the experience.

I honestly don't have much time to worry about it one way or the other today -- I have much more important things to concentrate on -- but I will stay as present as I can with the whole process.

nola baxter · 02-07-2012, 12:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by minimonkey

Well -- I certainly did gain loading!

My zen is being challenged a bit this morning -- and I don't have a lot of time to stay with the process today -- so I will be placing all my trust in the aforementioned external authority, and going forwards with a protocol day.

If I am honest with myself, I am a bit disgusted at this recent, rapid loading and p3 gain...

Stay with the disgust!
Theoretically there is no reason for u to be disgusted with yourself,
you are only struggling to do whats right and best and trying to solve the weight issue!
But the disgust is to do with some other underlying (false) encoding;
as you will know yourself, though you might not feel it right at this point!

nola baxter · 02-07-2012, 12:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by minimonkey

Dude, I looked at my body naked in the mirror -- this weight pretty much all went straight to my thighs and butt

My zen is definitely shaken. But, I will attend to how it feels to walk around in this body, the good and the bad ... and stay with the experience.

I honestly don't have much time to worry about it one way or the other today -- I have much more important things to concentrate on -- but I will stay as present as I can with the whole process.

I know the feelings. It is hard when the reality slaps u in the face.

I am still seeing it as a way of my body showing me, and manifesting some way that I am feeling about myself inside.

Stay with it! Please dont freak out too much.
You can do it..

nola baxter · 02-07-2012, 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by garnet10

Wow, this thread is amazing, and I think this is where I need to be right now. Especially since I discovered this morning that I have been losing and re-losing the same weight since May 2011!!!!! Splurged during an awesome two-week vacation, (didn't overeat but didn't watch what I ate) but then....here's the problem:

I knew I was going to do another round after Christmas, so I decided to eat whatever I liked during Christmas time, but I found myself gorging myself and eating things I don't even like just for the sake of overeating. It was very, very weird, because I have not overeaten in ages! And then I did it again during my recent interruption. Weird. Almost like, I'm never going to eat like this again, so why not go for it, except that I didn't even enjoy it, but I seemed powerless to stop it.

And here's my real negative thought--I look at myself now, 52 pounds lighter, as overweight. It's almost as if the last couple of years when I gained all that weight never happened, and I'm back to being always 10 pounds overweight and not happy with my body. I look at my cellulite and saddlebags and I'm frustrated that I thought this diet would resolve these issues, and it hasn't.

I'm hoping I will feel better about myself once I start exercising again, but I'm not too pleased with how I have been behaving about this diet for the past several months. I have to stop looking back and just move forward, but I really feel now I have to work on some mental/emotional stuff to avoid this yo-yo effect.

Hi Garnet

Yep- working on the same issues! wanting to get off the rollercoaster of up and down weight issues,
and being so affected by it!
And remove the inner sabotages that stop me from achieving and keeping hold of what I would like for my body,
(it always seem to slip away just as I am about to achieve it!).

I have got the saddlebags and cellulite too- and had hoped hcg would solve that for me too! nope..

I still think my saddlebags are a holding pattern of some sort,
ie, they represent some inner stuff I am still holding on to or havent dealt with,
and that they will go away whenever I have unlocked whatever needs unlocking!

garnet10 · 02-07-2012, 05:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nola baxter

Hi Garnet

Yep- working on the same issues! wanting to get off the rollercoaster of up and down weight issues,
and being so affected by it!
And remove the inner sabotages that stop me from achieving and keeping hold of what I would like for my body,
(it always seem to slip away just as I am about to achieve it!).

I have got the saddlebags and cellulite too- and had hoped hcg would solve that for me too! nope..

I still think my saddlebags are a holding pattern of some sort,
ie, they represent some inner stuff I am still holding on to or havent dealt with,
and that they will go away whenever I have unlocked whatever needs unlocking!

Yeah, I have thought that, too. I have come very far with letting go of things in the last year or so I had higher hopes for my present thighs. Ironically, after posting today it just came to me that this is my body shape, and although I may finally make it into size 8 pants, I will probably never attain the shape I dreamt of, (partly genetics and partly my unwillingness to obsessively exercise), and I'm okay with that, especially since my sweet husband told me today that he thought I looked "great" and didn't care if I lost more weight from my thighs.

It took me a long time to realize hCG was not going to re-shape my body into something more "normal". This was a real hard one for me. I was going to post my before and "almost" after pics, when I realized my thighs didn't look dramatically different! I actually looked at my pics and thought, "I can't post these!!!" But when I lose my last 10, I will post them. I don't want other pear-shaped ladies to be disappointed if the reshaping doesn't happen for them.

I am also going to work hard this round on removing those inner sabotages--I know I can stabilize--I've done it before!

Thank you so much for starting this thread!

minimonkey · 02-07-2012, 06:12 PM

Well -- the disgust only lasted a few minutes -- and the rest of the day has just been me trying to feel the difference in my body now, versus two weeks ago -- marveling at how fast the body can change, feeling the difference in how it is to inhabit a bigger versus a smaller body, etc.

I'm honestly not too flipped out about it right now, and that makes me wonder if there's something comforting about the regain -- as there was something threatening about the loss. And yet, I am not at all willing to give up losing it again, and as soon as possible, too.

The funny thing is that I carry my weight well for a little person, and probably nobody else even notices a difference in me one way or the other -- this is an internal battle. Sure, they'd notice if they were scrutinizing me naked ... but no one but me scrutinizes me naked !

Protocol day one has been wacky -- I didn't eat before leaving the house, and aside from some momentary twinges, I haven't been hungry at all --- oh, if the rest of the round will go like this, it'll be a breeze!

I will try to eat some protein when I get home, even though it'll be late evening by then -- but either the loading did something marvelous to suppress my appetite, or the new hcg is doing it, or I am having a strong placebo effect .... in any event, I'll take it!

If the disgust comes back, I will stay with it.

02-06-2012, 01:10 AM	#122
minimonkey Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,029 Gallery: minimonkey Stats: 5'0" -- very small frame WOE: Clean eating, whole foods	Not being able to trust one's perceptions is part and parcel of the aftermath of abuse -- it's true for almost everyone who has been through it ... sexual abuse is particularly prone to creating that in its survivors, though all kinds of abuse can do it. Abuse trauma shatters the self in so many ways -- it is pretty overwhelming to think about it -- I like to think (in my current Jungian state of mind) that it isn't coincidence that we all find ourselves here right now ... that we have a lot to learn from each other, and that there is a plan in place..... I am grateful for you wonderful, brave women -- thank you for being my fellow travelers on this journey! __________________ Rogue p2 cycling: 8/28:128.6 .... 10/7 118.4 ....10/20: 115.8

02-07-2012, 10:10 AM	#143
garnet10 Senior LCF Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Posts: 881 Gallery: garnet10 Stats: 182/141.6 5/6/13/Goal 125 WOE: hCG Start Date: hCG 10/9/10; restarted 5/6/13	Wow, this thread is amazing, and I think this is where I need to be right now. Especially since I discovered this morning that I have been losing and re-losing the same weight since May 2011!!!!! Splurged during an awesome two-week vacation, (didn't overeat but didn't watch what I ate) but then....here's the problem: I knew I was going to do another round after Christmas, so I decided to eat whatever I liked during Christmas time, but I found myself gorging myself and eating things I don't even like just for the sake of overeating. It was very, very weird, because I have not overeaten in ages! And then I did it again during my recent interruption. Weird. Almost like, I'm never going to eat like this again, so why not go for it, except that I didn't even enjoy it, but I seemed powerless to stop it. And here's my real negative thought--I look at myself now, 52 pounds lighter, as overweight. It's almost as if the last couple of years when I gained all that weight never happened, and I'm back to being always 10 pounds overweight and not happy with my body. I look at my cellulite and saddlebags and I'm frustrated that I thought this diet would resolve these issues, and it hasn't. I'm hoping I will feel better about myself once I start exercising again, but I'm not too pleased with how I have been behaving about this diet for the past several months. I have to stop looking back and just move forward, but I really feel now I have to work on some mental/emotional stuff to avoid this yo-yo effect. __________________

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02-06-2012, 01:01 AM	#121
minimonkey Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,029 Gallery: minimonkey Stats: 5'0" -- very small frame WOE: Clean eating, whole foods	Nola -- I chuckled out loud when I read about your son's playmate's scooter -- oh, yes... that is JUST how the trickster works, and that is when he is being subtle! Ha ha, indeed! I have been getting a ton of that stuff recently -- and a lot of strange instances of coming full circle to where I was a number of years ago, through no doing of my own. Sometimes there's no option but to run with it, when life starts playing with one in this way -- resisting it doesn't work, except to make one miserable.

02-06-2012, 07:45 AM	#124
minimonkey Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,029 Gallery: minimonkey Stats: 5'0" -- very small frame WOE: Clean eating, whole foods	Morning, lovelies! I also totally believe that facing our monsters is the only way to heal -- and we are brave for doing it! Speaking of monsters, I got on the scale -- post load weight is 113.4. I am not freaking out -- just really ready to move forward now. I suspect some of that weight will drop off pretty fast this coming week. I'm not at all hungry this morning -- yahooooo for that! Protocol, I'm ready. Black coffee for me this morning -- and a big plate of hopefulness that this will work. I'll be doing loose clothing this week -- lol! That's fine, all part of the process.

02-06-2012, 02:35 PM	#125
minimonkey Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,029 Gallery: minimonkey Stats: 5'0" -- very small frame WOE: Clean eating, whole foods	My drops are here!!! Well -- since I was still feeling very zen about the scale this afternoon, I decided to do one more moderate loading day. The loading is making a huge difference, so I am going to do today with the new drops in my body -- and then launch in the morning. I think I could have done it without loading today, but why not give myself the benefit of the doubt as much as possible? If the scale is up a little more tomorrow, so be it -- though it may not be, at least not much, because I am just not able to choke down gazillions of calories today. I hope the extra load day will make for a truly hunger free round, and good losses too.

02-06-2012, 02:44 PM	#126
minimonkey Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,029 Gallery: minimonkey Stats: 5'0" -- very small frame WOE: Clean eating, whole foods	I can't believe how not bothered I am by the loading gain -- the EMDR must have shaken something up in a good way. Don't get me wrong -- I'd love to see no gain from today's mini-load, and I'd love to see a great round with a steep descent on the scale to goal -- but I thought I might be way panicked to see that higher number, and I just don't feel it today. I feel, on some deep level, that this round (including the load) is going to fix something that is broken -- and I am ready to let that happen.

02-06-2012, 07:30 PM	#127
SueQ Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 223 Gallery: SueQ Stats: 237/154/145 WOE: RxHCG Start Date: March 2011	I think loading while taking the HCG is really important, but I don't know why. That is just what my dr told me to do. And I loaded REALLY well this round and my time doing VCLD has been so much easier than the first round. So good call on that! I'm experiencing something strange and new and maybe it doesn't belong on this thread, but since I've been hanging out here I'll ask about it. Warning, it is probably more than you want to know about certain female and other bodily functions! I take a lot of magnesium each day. I drink CALM to help keep me "regular" plus I take a multi and cal-mag-zinc because I've had a lot of issues with muscle twitches this round. So basically I am extremely "regular" and it isn't even solid. Sorry, TMI, but germaine to my question! I drink 4-5 liters of water a day. My TOM is weird this round, been having them every two weeks, and it is that time again. Last night, I was so thirsty. I just kept drinking water, but I also noticed I was retaining a lot. My eyes were puffy from it and I felt super bloated. I also was not "regular" yesterday in the elimination area. I gained a lb this morning. No cheating or off-protocol stuff at all. Do you think this is TOM/hormone stuff, or water retention in anticipation of a whoosh? I never have issues like this, HCG or not. I am thinking it will pass like everything else, but wondered if anyone else has had this happen.

02-06-2012, 09:42 PM	#128
minimonkey Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,029 Gallery: minimonkey Stats: 5'0" -- very small frame WOE: Clean eating, whole foods	SueQ -- I love the avatar!! So nice to have a face to go with the name... and a lovely face it is, too Funny you should mention the body business -- I've been having a similar thing happen. Despite magnesium (oxycleanse,) I have been retaining water and also fighting constipation. I have also been very thirsty! I have no answers for you, but at least I can say you aren't alone. Even the hhcg tends to mess up my cycle -- and now it has been missing in action for 2 months -- wonder what the actual hcg will do to it?

02-06-2012, 09:47 PM	#129
SueQ Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 223 Gallery: SueQ Stats: 237/154/145 WOE: RxHCG Start Date: March 2011	Thanks, Mini! HCG didn't affect my cycle at all the first time, but this time it sure is. It could be peri-menopause too (my doctor's favorite go-to excuse for everything!) but the timing sure is coincidental. Ok, I've been reading other posts and I have to ask. I thought a whoosh was a big weight loss day but then I read someone's journal where he was clearly talking about diarrhea. I would like to make sure I use the right words. Which is it?????

02-06-2012, 10:09 PM	#130
minimonkey Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,029 Gallery: minimonkey Stats: 5'0" -- very small frame WOE: Clean eating, whole foods	Most people use whoosh to mean a big drop in weight -- usually from water retention going away -- so you are correct in your usage of that "non-word" ...lol! I'm in perimenopause too, so it is hard to tell whats what with TOM -- but it got wonky right after starting the hhcg, so I have to think there is some connection. Thanks for the vote of confidence about loading -- I followed my intuition on this one, and it said load one more day -- so I did. I will be starting the real drops tonight -- and protcol in the morning -- and I am excited. I'm not mad at myself for gaining, either -- it is what it is. I am doing what the protocol calls for, and that's doing something good in the long run. I actually found loading pretty freeing, on the whole ... and it reminded me that I don't want to eat heaps of calories all the time -- I'm looking forward to a round without hunger, and to easy, fast losses I really hope it works out that way!

02-06-2012, 10:38 PM	#131
SueQ Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 223 Gallery: SueQ Stats: 237/154/145 WOE: RxHCG Start Date: March 2011	I have a very strong feeling that you are on the right path, too, for what it is worth! I think it is all the positive, accepting energy in your posts. All that body, mind, spirit harmony has got to be a sign of good things to come! I'm choking down a glass of water with apple cider vinegar in hopes it helps with the water retention, then calling it a night. Have a wonderful tomorrow

02-07-2012, 12:47 AM	#136
minimonkey Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,029 Gallery: minimonkey Stats: 5'0" -- very small frame WOE: Clean eating, whole foods	I think what you are doing is pretty amazing, Nola -- and it has inspired me! I am working both ways though -- outer and inner together (at least I hope so). I'll keep working with it -- pay attention to the feelings that come up as I lose during this round (or, if I stall, what comes up there) -- etc. I keep doing EMDR around the idea that I can reach goal and maintain without effort - also that it is safe for me to be at my goal weight -- And both of those are bringing up some major stuff -- so there is resistance there. Oddly enough, I am having trouble letting go of the idea that I need to struggle to maintain! That, ostensibly, is what I want -- but I think I don't feel I deserve to be at goal unless I struggle and suffer.... I think I have a lot of attachment to the struggle. I want to be able to let that go.

02-07-2012, 12:59 AM	#138
minimonkey Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,029 Gallery: minimonkey Stats: 5'0" -- very small frame WOE: Clean eating, whole foods	I definitely have that love and abuse matrix -- though it isn't strictly abuse for me anymore, but "love and suffering/sacrifice" -- I choose relationships that require a lot from me, sometimes way too much -- You know how there's that colloquialism about "someone who picks up wounded birds" -- meaning someone who takes in broken people and tries to help them? Well, I LITERALLY take in wounded birds... that's why I have 12 pigeons and five doves! Don't get me wrong... I adore my birds -- and the three most disabled pigeons are my favorites of them all, and I am blessed to have their presence in my life -- but it is also an interesting metaphor for the types of people I surround myself with.

02-07-2012, 10:50 AM	#144
minimonkey Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,029 Gallery: minimonkey Stats: 5'0" -- very small frame WOE: Clean eating, whole foods	Well -- I certainly did gain loading! My zen is being challenged a bit this morning -- and I don't have a lot of time to stay with the process today -- so I will be placing all my trust in the aforementioned external authority, and going forwards with a protocol day. If I am honest with myself, I am a bit disgusted at this recent, rapid loading and p3 gain...

02-07-2012, 11:24 AM	#145
minimonkey Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,029 Gallery: minimonkey Stats: 5'0" -- very small frame WOE: Clean eating, whole foods	Dude, I looked at my body naked in the mirror -- this weight pretty much all went straight to my thighs and butt My zen is definitely shaken. But, I will attend to how it feels to walk around in this body, the good and the bad ... and stay with the experience. I honestly don't have much time to worry about it one way or the other today -- I have much more important things to concentrate on -- but I will stay as present as I can with the whole process.

02-07-2012, 06:12 PM	#150
minimonkey Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,029 Gallery: minimonkey Stats: 5'0" -- very small frame WOE: Clean eating, whole foods	Well -- the disgust only lasted a few minutes -- and the rest of the day has just been me trying to feel the difference in my body now, versus two weeks ago -- marveling at how fast the body can change, feeling the difference in how it is to inhabit a bigger versus a smaller body, etc. I'm honestly not too flipped out about it right now, and that makes me wonder if there's something comforting about the regain -- as there was something threatening about the loss. And yet, I am not at all willing to give up losing it again, and as soon as possible, too. The funny thing is that I carry my weight well for a little person, and probably nobody else even notices a difference in me one way or the other -- this is an internal battle. Sure, they'd notice if they were scrutinizing me naked ... but no one but me scrutinizes me naked ! Protocol day one has been wacky -- I didn't eat before leaving the house, and aside from some momentary twinges, I haven't been hungry at all --- oh, if the rest of the round will go like this, it'll be a breeze! I will try to eat some protein when I get home, even though it'll be late evening by then -- but either the loading did something marvelous to suppress my appetite, or the new hcg is doing it, or I am having a strong placebo effect .... in any event, I'll take it! If the disgust comes back, I will stay with it.