HCG and food/diet/body issues, working with the inner self.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by shelbyla

Bear with me if you can, ladies! This is a little stream-of-consciousness'esque... )I have just now gotten around to reading all the posts. I have been completely SLAMMED at work the last few days!)

Sue - I too appreciated your post and when you talked about writing letters to yourself, I thought of the pictures that I have of myself as a child. For whatever reason, I have all my school pics from the time I was about 4 (did my parents not want them?). There are some that I like when I was very young but on the whole, I feel an overwhelming sense of hatred and contempt for that girl.

I was a very lonely child, always wanting to please, and always failing. I wasn't heavy as a child (other than that icky hormone surge at 13), but I was very thin (mostly), very homely, very weird, very smart, very unattractive, very unpopular, very shy...a lot of very's there. When I finally outgrew that awkward stage, I had an extreme amount of contempt for those people who thought I was unattractive and I almost defiantly kept--and often highlighted--the "weird" parts of me. The Dungeons & Dragons, the heavy metal, the drinking. And the bad boys.

At the same time, I was desperately trying to make everyone and anyone like me. So I also followed fashion and social trends, kept myself thin, went to college and then grad school, got a conservative job at a conservative company, which I have to this day. And the whole time I was and am still really feeling like a fraud--whether I am hanging out with the boys in the band or my yoga friends or the Hollywood counterculture or the people I work with.

I'm either too straight or too wild. My music is too hard or too soft. My clothes are not cool enough or not as conservative as they should be. My makeup is too much or too little. I am too loud or too quiet. I am too successful or my job isn't glamorous enough. Well you can see where this is going. Nothing is ever QUITE right with me. And WHY not? What IS "right"? I've never fit in. Do I want to??? I think some part of me does. But mostly I want to be admired and successful and loved for who and how and what I am, fat or thin, straightforward or politically correct, Barry Manilow or Avenged Sevenfold, tanktops and blue jeans or evening gowns...

And I apparently needed to get THAT out. Thanks for listening...

Hiya
Thanks for sharing..

If I had to try to interpret one thing from the end of what you said;
I would say that you have a conflict going between wanting to be loved for who you are (not based on external looks or achievements),
and not believing that you can be!

Hence you flick between pleasing society, being thin, or having the right job, or whatever the situation seems to require;
and then making an opposite statement that you will not conform to others standards or stereotypical ideas of how you should be or look -
with the true desire that someone will see you for who you are and love that!
(while still not fully believing it might be possible).

Correct me if I am wrong!


I think I have a friend who does similar- she wants to be thin, and feels that thats the only way she will pull a man, and she strives to fit into this aspect of what society considers desirable of a woman;
but at the same time, she goes through stages where she will go out of her way to do things to ensure that a man will not like her on the basis of physical attraction, ie, dresses down, or shaves her head!
She has the war between wanting to fit into society and be loved,
but not wanting to do it at the expense of compromising her soul and who she is and having to become something she is not simply in order to be loved.

[minimonkey]

Wow -- ladies -- hugs all around!

I can't believe the amount of pain that we've all been living with for so long. I hope we all find ways to let it go, and heal our bodies and minds.

I decided to start the round today with the hhcg, and I am loading. That's right -- loading -- something I have never done before. I've done mini loads before, but today I decided I would all out eat, and eat I did. My GI tract isn't happy, but it was freaking out from all the stress in any event.

I did keep it pretty low carb, but the calories were certainly very high, at least for me.

I'm trying just to stay with the emotion of completely sanctioned eating, knowing that this is a part of the protocol that seems to make for greater success in the long run. It's not fun -- and I didn't eat anywhere near as much as some folks do when they load.

I think I'll try to stick this out for one more day -- and then it's off to the p2 races, beginning with the hhcg, and switching as soon as my real-deal stuff gets here.

I can say this -- the sensation of eating when I am not hungry is not one I'm enjoying -- there's pleasure in the taste of food, but overall, I can't say this is something I will care to repeat any time soon!

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by HCG girl

I have had trouble dealing with weight my whole life. There is a deep seated emotions in relation to weight and how my mom always told me I was fat. She had one friend that always said how I would be beautiful if I wasnt so fat. Nice right!?? Well, growing up with that didnt help me figure out how to deal with food and emotional eating. My mom is really skinny and never gains weight and my dad gains easily and has always had weight issues. I get my weight problems from his side. I hate that I feel so fat all the time. I try to stay positive and see that I am progressing nicely with my weight loss journey but it is hard. It is nice to see that other people are having issues with emotions and dealing with weight loss/gain. I am doing HCG and I am now down 30 lb. I still have 20lb more to get to my goal weight. I have lost 30lb but nobody has really noticed, that also bugs me. How do you have a dramatic weightloss like that and no one even see's it. Also I havent dropped a size in cloths yet either. That would be a huge motivator for me. Good luck to you all!!

Hi HCG Girl

Dont be discouraged by people not mentioning your weight loss- some people truly dont notice (which could be a good thing because it might mean they are focusing on you more as a person than as a fat or thin being);
and some people notice but dont mention it for all kinds of reasons!

Encourage and congratulate yourself- you are over half way there!.

On the site I mentioned earlier in this page, (on the Naturally Thin site by Jean Antonello);
she has written a fantastic article on
"Is "emotional eating" really emotional?"

It made really good sense to me-
she is pretty much saying that most of our eating actually has a physical basis (ie, we have or have at some time have been denying our hunger);
and that stress relief eating (what we call emotional eating), only happens in the presence of someone who has consistently and repetitively denied hunger, which is a chronic stress to the body in itself.
So in a time of extra stress (negative emotions and life happenings), our body tries to lessen the stress load by at least relieving one stress- the chronic state of denying repressing and supressing our natural hunger and body signals.
So it will push us into eating at these times to achieve this, and make the situation more manageable.
(my laymans interpretation)..

She also writes articles about how to follow your natural body signals for hunger,
and getting out of the feast and famine cycle,
and so on..

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

Wow -- ladies -- hugs all around!

I can't believe the amount of pain that we've all been living with for so long. I hope we all find ways to let it go, and heal our bodies and minds.

I decided to start the round today with the hhcg, and I am loading. That's right -- loading -- something I have never done before. I've done mini loads before, but today I decided I would all out eat, and eat I did. My GI tract isn't happy, but it was freaking out from all the stress in any event.

I did keep it pretty low carb, but the calories were certainly very high, at least for me.

I'm trying just to stay with the emotion of completely sanctioned eating, knowing that this is a part of the protocol that seems to make for greater success in the long run. It's not fun -- and I didn't eat anywhere near as much as some folks do when they load.

I think I'll try to stick this out for one more day -- and then it's off to the p2 races, beginning with the hhcg, and switching as soon as my real-deal stuff gets here.

I can say this -- the sensation of eating when I am not hungry is not one I'm enjoying -- there's pleasure in the taste of food, but overall, I can't say this is something I will care to repeat any time soon!

Very brave of you to load Mini! Go for it ..

[nola baxter]

Insights have been coming thick and fast for me today;
I am starting to see more of the connections between my man issues of late, and my body/diet issues,
and I am unearthing more of the blocks around trusting my body,
and unearthed some stuff around pain this morning..

I also got the insight this morning, that gaining weight is not what is supposed to be for me right here and now.
The point is clearing the toxic hidden emotions and traumas that are affecting my life, in subtle and unsubtle ways;
and that it is these undealt with things causing the weight gain,
not the weight gain being some kind of punishment for something I have done wrong!
( yes somehow I had that belief in there somewhere, and everytime I gain weight I have the sense I am being punished - but for what?);
It is dealing with the toxic buried stuff that will alleviate weight issues and allow my body to become its natural self- which ain't fat!!..lol

I also unwittingly went into pain and resistance issues this morning.
I was feeling good, walking home from my exercise stint- then suddenly I had a heavy pain in my stomach-
this pain has come to me at various times in my life- during labour, periods, stomach/gut issues;
and it is always the same pain, like having a heavy rock in my stomach.
At times of dealing with emotional trauma , this particular pain has surfaced, and sometimes I have got stuck in it and not been able to pass through it- and have been left in pain for a day or two until it passes over.

So I started doing EFT tapping on it-
even though I have this pain in my stomach,
even though I am resisting this pain,
even though I dont want to feel this pain,
even though I am afraid of this pain..

The phrases shifted more over into resisting,
and started being all about resisting pain;
wanting to resist the pain, and not wanting to resist the pain,
and not being allowed to resist,
not wanting to resist because of punishment,
not resisting because of fear of punishment,
being sad because I allowed fear to suppress me into not resisting
At around this point- the sore stomach was gone!!
(I was having impressions of a situation where I was not allowed to resist, and was afraid to resist, but also felt there was some way in which I had been bad and wrong , because I didnt resist-
something like this anyway-,it was not fully clear to me)

Then I kept tapping on phrases that were coming to me, and having impressions of an abusive situation where I was being hurt but not allowed to make a noise or express it;
so the tapping went something like;
even though I am in pain and I am not allowed to cry out,
even though I have to hold this pain inside myself,
even though I cant express this pain,
even though I have to keep quiet about my pain,
even though I cant show my pain,
even though I have to pretend I am not in pain,
even though I have to keep quiet and hold it within,
even though I am not allowed to resist..
and so on

and then more follow-ons ..
even though there is something wrong with me that I am being hurt like this,
even though I must be something bad to have to be hurt like this,
even though I must have done something bad to be hurt like this,
and so on

I was kind of surprised, because I didnt realise that some of my inhibitions and restraints about expressing my own pain stemmed from this kind of situation-
I had thought they were more from my staunch family persona .

It also showed me about this underlying feeling I have (unconsious) , that I need to be punished because there is something bad about me? (or something like that)
ie, I am bad so I need to be punished.

A lot of this stuff is not fully clear to me as yet..
Its just starting to open up into bits of understanding or insight here and there.

[SueQ]

Wow, lots of powerful honesty here and I relate to it all! It makes me feel so much better to hear other people say what I am thinking, especially when I didn't realize I was thinking it or believing it until someone else said it.

I am terrified of maintenance. Reading mini's anxiety about it made me realize it. I am really glad I am not there yet. My doctor brought it up today and I got all whacked out just thinking about it. Just trusting I will be ready when it is time.

Shelby, loved your post. Totally BTDT! And still do!

Nola, that is some powerful stuff you are "tapping" into.

[minimonkey]

Originally Posted by lunagirl704

Oh Shelby...we would have been great friends! I was the same way. Now, I am trying to help my 7 year old girl who is being rejected by her classmates., turned down for playdates etc. She is sweet and outgoing, a people pleaser. I am having horrible flashbacks to my childhood and teen years...the rejection, pain, feeling fat and the desperate need to change. 7 years of pure misery...that morphed into a raging ED. I'm transferring my insecurities to her. It's all coming back at once. Wow. Anyone btdt?

Shelby! Luna! Why the heck couldn't we have all grown up together????

I was big into Dungeons and Dragons, always the outsider, all of that... (except I was a bit heavy, for the 80s, which isn't saying much. )

I embrace my eccentricities now -- hence, I have dreads, and piercings, and I am writing my thesis on the aesthetics of Steampunk....lol! I actually became quite comfortable being a purposeful outsider from the mainstream years ago, but it sure is miserable when one is a child.

[minimonkey]

Nola, I swear you and I must have some kind of energetic connection going on! I literally told my roommate today that my stomach/gut "feels like there is a rock in it." I am absolutely serious... those are the precise words that I used.

My gut has been kicking up a fit with all the food, and it did feel exactly that way -- like there was a solid, unyielding object lodged in there.

It's interesting, because you and I are unearthing a lot of the same types of emotions right now, too. I think somatic symptoms, and the words we choose to describe them, must say a lot about the energies behind the symptoms.

Thank you for saying I am brave for loading -- it's been an emotional roller coaster ride since I went to p3, and today was just bizarre....I kept reminding myself that I promised to do this next round protocol, and that includes loading ... but man was it hard to get myself to eat large amounts of calories! It's scary, but I think I need to move through that fear, and realize that gaining a few pounds is hardly the end of the world. It's easier to deal with, knowing that I am going to be heading into p2 -- but it is also a good exercise in tolerating emotion, and seeing what it feels like to eat in absolute abundance. I felt a lot of guilt, and a lot of shame... but I also had a few moments of feeling rather gleeful at being able to do it.

If I can sit with the anxiety, I'll load through the weekend.... but I'm taking the next couple of days a lot more moderately -- meat, good fats, and eating only when hungry -- I will definitely weigh on Monday, because I want to see what the scale does after adding in the non-homeopathic hcg.

If I can't tolerate the anxiety of continued loading (a real possibility) I'll just start the p2 early -- even the one day of loading probably helped prepare me for the upcoming round, particularly coming at the end of several days of non-restrictive p3 eating.

Once I start the protocol for real, though, I am giving it my best effort to stick it out. I haven't done a protocol round in a long time, so I am not sure how well I'll fare with it.

I have high, high hopes that the real-deal hcg will make a difference, so I am fairly sure I'll ride it out, no matter how miserable it might be for a relatively short while.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

Nola, I swear you and I must have some kind of energetic connection going on! I literally told my roommate today that my stomach/gut "feels like there is a rock in it." I am absolutely serious... those are the precise words that I used.

My gut has been kicking up a fit with all the food, and it did feel exactly that way -- like there was a solid, unyielding object lodged in there.

It's interesting, because you and I are unearthing a lot of the same types of emotions right now, too. I think somatic symptoms, and the words we choose to describe them, must say a lot about the energies behind the symptoms.

Thank you for saying I am brave for loading -- it's been an emotional roller coaster ride since I went to p3, and today was just bizarre....I kept reminding myself that I promised to do this next round protocol, and that includes loading ... but man was it hard to get myself to eat large amounts of calories! It's scary, but I think I need to move through that fear, and realize that gaining a few pounds is hardly the end of the world. It's easier to deal with, knowing that I am going to be heading into p2 -- but it is also a good exercise in tolerating emotion, and seeing what it feels like to eat in absolute abundance. I felt a lot of guilt, and a lot of shame... but I also had a few moments of feeling rather gleeful at being able to do it.

If I can sit with the anxiety, I'll load through the weekend.... but I'm taking the next couple of days a lot more moderately -- meat, good fats, and eating only when hungry -- I will definitely weigh on Monday, because I want to see what the scale does after adding in the non-homeopathic hcg.

If I can't tolerate the anxiety of continued loading (a real possibility) I'll just start the p2 early -- even the one day of loading probably helped prepare me for the upcoming round, particularly coming at the end of several days of non-restrictive p3 eating.

Once I start the protocol for real, though, I am giving it my best effort to stick it out. I haven't done a protocol round in a long time, so I am not sure how well I'll fare with it.

I have high, high hopes that the real-deal hcg will make a difference, so I am fairly sure I'll ride it out, no matter how miserable it might be for a relatively short while.

Hi Mini

Well I sure relate to a lot of your feelings, and it seems we have very similar patterns going on!
And that "rock in the stomach" - well, that represents real old buried stuff for me!

I can imagine how challenging it is for you to eat a lot of food right now; especially when your weight has not been so much under your control,
and the added potential of more uncontrolled gain must be exploding fears all out of proportion!
Try to allow the feelings to come up, and do some kind of process on them - they are the key to unlocking what lies beneath,(as I am sure you know).

My digestion and gut has been very funky and not good for a few days now;
in a way I have not experienced for a long time-
and then this stomach pain this morning!
I know it is all connected with the feelings, fears and emotions that are being unlocked. I have always seemed to be holding my stuff in this arena of my body.
Since that tapping I did this morning though, around that "rock in the stomach", my stomach and digestion has been very settled and comfortable.
Fingers crossed it will continue to be so!

I hope you can get through yours;
apart from all the food that your body is unused to, it must represent other emotional stuff as well ;
starting with the anxiety and tension that is being triggered by freely eating.
Allow it- and allow the feelings as best you can!

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by SueQ

Wow, lots of powerful honesty here and I relate to it all! It makes me feel so much better to hear other people say what I am thinking, especially when I didn't realize I was thinking it or believing it until someone else said it.

I am terrified of maintenance. Reading mini's anxiety about it made me realize it. I am really glad I am not there yet. My doctor brought it up today and I got all whacked out just thinking about it. Just trusting I will be ready when it is time.

Shelby, loved your post. Totally BTDT! And still do!

Nola, that is some powerful stuff you are "tapping" into.

Hi Sue

Yes it is powerful stuff I am tapping into- and hopefully getting to the bottom of things!
I dont want to keep perpetuating the same stuff.

I appreciate the honesty going on too..

I guess you have some time to work on those maintenance fears- at least you know in advance, and can look at it from afar for a start- that can be easier than being smack in the middle of it!

[minimonkey]

I'm certain that my gut issues are at least partially emotional in nature -- like you, Nola, my gut has been off for a few days now, even before I changed my diet -- and also in a way that I haven't experienced for a while. I can't imagine it is all coincidental, given all I have been dredging up in the emotional realm.

I am also loving all the honesty happening on this thread, and I am so glad to have you all as such supportive, courageous co-travelers on this journey

[lunagirl704]

Great posts everyone...This is such a supportive group . I think we all want and need to be loved for who we are....but I don't know who I am, so how can anyone really know and love me? My whole life has been tied to my weight and gaining/losing it, I feel like a fraud. I am constantly questioning my parenting abilities, my social skills, why I never learned to 'play the game.' Deep down I am sensitive, loyal and honest..and i don't want to be hurt. I fear rejection. Growing up I always had to be perfect...now that's what i try to project. Except it's a facade, and there is nothing underneath. I hope this makes sense.

Mini- loading is hard...try to eat yummy fats (hello peanutbutter!). I couldn't load properly because it was hard to consciously overeat. You are doing the right thing though and it should stimulate your metabolism.

The people I am most attracted to...as friends...have been people that were like !@#$ the norm and the establishment...I respect them for going against the cookie cutter types that we are supposed to aspire to be. They're real.

[shelbyla]

Originally Posted by lunagirl704

Great posts everyone...This is such a supportive group . I think we all want and need to be loved for who we are....but I don't know who I am, so how can anyone really know and love me? My whole life has been tied to my weight and gaining/losing it, I feel like a fraud. I am constantly questioning my parenting abilities, my social skills, why I never learned to 'play the game.' Deep down I am sensitive, loyal and honest..and i don't want to be hurt. I fear rejection. Growing up I always had to be perfect...now that's what i try to project. Except it's a facade, and there is nothing underneath. I hope this makes sense.

Mini- loading is hard...try to eat yummy fats (hello peanutbutter!). I couldn't load properly because it was hard to consciously overeat. You are doing the right thing though and it should stimulate your metabolism.

The people I am most attracted to...as friends...have been people that were like !@#$ the norm and the establishment...I respect them for going against the cookie cutter types that we are supposed to aspire to be. They're real.

Yes, perfect sense. 100%.

Yes, it should and should keep our little Mini not hungry and able to stick to protocol.

Yes, yes, and yes. Hitting the nail on the head this morning, Luna!

[minimonkey]

I am really trying to stick it out with the loading at least one more day -- and yes, it is terribly hard to make myself overeat on purpose. I'm not prone to binges, but this kind of eating feels like a binge to me.

But those who load well tend to lose well, and that's what I am holding out for --

I know I was getting fairly depleted after months and months of dieting -- rogue or not -- and that is the very reason for loading, per Simeons --

I want this to work, and I promised I'd do what it takes to get there, and that includes loading -- so I am walking through the fear, and just doing it. That said, today is going to be a more moderate version of loading, because I actually felt pretty awful, physically, last night.

I am probably going to hate, hate, hate the post-load scale number, too -- but hopefully it will be short lived.

Monday morning is the target date for starting the protocol -- and once I do it, I'm going to try very hard not to look back... so I better eat well while I can.... eek.

[minimonkey]

Luna -- I think many, many of us grew up thinking we had to be perfect -- and still carry that message around. I know I did -- and I've struggled with trying to let go of bizarre forms of perfectionism for years. If it isn't weight, for me, it's something else -- I'm always pushing myself to achieve more, do more, try harder....

No matter how hard I tried to meet the standards, it was never enough -- at least in my own head.

I'm working on that -- but it brings up a ton of stuff around being a quitter, a failure, lazy, and so forth .... and it isn't pleasant one bit!

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

I am really trying to stick it out with the loading at least one more day -- and yes, it is terribly hard to make myself overeat on purpose. I'm not prone to binges, but this kind of eating feels like a binge to me.

But those who load well tend to lose well, and that's what I am holding out for --

I know I was getting fairly depleted after months and months of dieting -- rogue or not -- and that is the very reason for loading, per Simeons --

I want this to work, and I promised I'd do what it takes to get there, and that includes loading -- so I am walking through the fear, and just doing it. That said, today is going to be a more moderate version of loading, because I actually felt pretty awful, physically, last night.

I am probably going to hate, hate, hate the post-load scale number, too -- but hopefully it will be short lived.

Monday morning is the target date for starting the protocol -- and once I do it, I'm going to try very hard not to look back... so I better eat well while I can.... eek.

Hang in there Mini, and walk through the fear !

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by lunagirl704

Great posts everyone...This is such a supportive group . I think we all want and need to be loved for who we are....but I don't know who I am, so how can anyone really know and love me? My whole life has been tied to my weight and gaining/losing it, I feel like a fraud. I am constantly questioning my parenting abilities, my social skills, why I never learned to 'play the game.' Deep down I am sensitive, loyal and honest..and i don't want to be hurt. I fear rejection. Growing up I always had to be perfect...now that's what i try to project. Except it's a facade, and there is nothing underneath. I hope this makes sense.

Hi Luna

At about the age of 23 , I realised I was like an empty shell, I was so disconnected from my real self.
In my real self was lots of pain , and shame and things I considered unacceptable and needing to be hidden, hence was I was operating from a kind of split off part of myself.
And while operating from the split off part separated me from the pain, shame, guilt, traumas and bad feelings in my real self;
it also did not feel good, I did not feel fully real- though I tried to be real,
and I couldnt not feel connected to my inner self,
which is another whole kind of pain in intself.
So then was the journey to getting back to myself, and dealing with the inner pains, and feeling an inner connection to my true being again.

Despite the issues I still struggle with (and the trauma upheavals in myself over the past weeks);
these days I generally feel strong and grounded, and real within myself,
connected to who I am and the inner self/guidance, which gives a kind of confidence and assurance.
My friends describe me as solid, and real!..lol

I am now 43- and it has taken time, and I am not yet fully all there,
but I am a hell of a long way from where I was when I was 23 !
It has taken time , and allowing a lot of negative scary feelings , emotions and memories to arise. But at the end of the day the journey is worth it.

I had a painful childhood, which filled me with shame , pain , guilt, and profoundly negative feelings about myself.
I was mercilessly bullied between 5 and 10, and had a very punitive religious upbringing, highly revolving around punishment and needing to being good (but inadvertently being taught/shown that I was bad).
And I have shadowy memories, feelings and bodily impressions around sexual abuse from very young,
which has also manifested itself in a cycle of attracting abusive men;
and a completely remembered situation of sexual abuse as a young teenager..
One of the men I lived with on and off for 8 yrs went on to marry someone else and sexually abuse her daughters, for which he went to prison.

I can have a lot of understanding and sympathy for the feelings you have, and say that you are not a fraud- even though you may feel so.

The focus on the weight and food is like a smokescreen for deeper painful feelings of pain and inadequacy, and usually some hidden traumas;
and when you get more connected to who you really are (the parts that are in shadow that you feel are unacceptable),
you will feel more whole within yourself, and more secure to be who you truly are.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

I'm certain that my gut issues are at least partially emotional in nature -- like you, Nola, my gut has been off for a few days now, even before I changed my diet -- and also in a way that I haven't experienced for a while. I can't imagine it is all coincidental, given all I have been dredging up in the emotional realm.

I am also loving all the honesty happening on this thread, and I am so glad to have you all as such supportive, courageous co-travelers on this journey

Well I hope I can transfer my good gut feelings to you today through our energetic connection..lol

Since that process yesterday my gut is so good!! Yay!

[shelbyla]

Mini - we are all here, cheering you on. YOU CAN DO THIS! I'm sure your body (despite the tummy revolt yesterday) is thanking you for the nourishment. As for loading, sometimes I've put on 5 pounds which has taken me a week to get off but I've never been hungry on my rounds...ever...except for the time when I deactivated my drops. I am hoping and praying that after your load you have the same luck as I know that this is something you've struggled with a bit.

Nola - it's odd but I think you, Mini and I are all around the same age. (Not sure about Luna and Sue Q.) I turned 44 in October. Maybe it's the age of reflection and healing for all of us. I certainly hope so. I know that the last year has brought a LOT of changes for me and I think that finally FINALLY I may be getting a little more comfort in my own skin. Not that it seems like it from the above but you should have seen into my psyche about 2 years ago. Talk about a giant MESS! I'm glad I'm out of the situation that was causing it but there were certain things I enjoyed then that I don't now about my career. But at this point I am so so thankful to be employed that I am counting my blessings every day and not worrying so much about job satisfaction. Anyway, just thought it was curious, our ages being so similar.

[nola baxter]

Well, I had a really good processing situation this morning and am going to try and convey it quickly because I am going out.

I will preface it by saying that EFT kind of works for me in a very organic way, I start to tap on some surface feeling, or almost random thought,
then as more feelings and thoughts or impressions surface, I start to tap on those things,
and it is kind of like following a thread, that takes you some where,
or uncovering layers, which end up revealing some important feelings, memories, or core beliefs at the bottom of it all that are the roots or keys to the issues at hand!
It is kind of exciting when you get to the bottom of something;
and feels very good- clearing and a release, and a shift;
but sometimes along the way up come painful feelings and things you might want to resist, or that feel awesomely scary to face, you feel you might die if you look at them;
or sometimes you may even start a process with overwhelming feelings that you want to escape from;
either way , I have done this processing enough to know that the scary feelings can be got through- to a place of release and clearance.

This morning I started randomly tapping about being lean
then tapping about releasing stuff stored in my body
then allowing my body to release stuff stored,
telling my body it was safe to release stuff that was stored,
( I was feeling that my body felt it was unsafe and had to hold on to things and could not let go)
So I was then tapping on it being safe to let go, and it was okay to let go,
and
"accepting my body's fear and needing to hold on because it wasnt safe to let go"
so I kept tapping on it being safe and ok to let go

Then I start feeling my body's fear and need to be safe,and feeling that it will not be safe to let go;
I start tapping around ;
I will do my best to protect and nurture the body,
I will do my best to keep it safe and look after it,
I will feed and nurture it

Then I start to get a sense of my body like a frightened cowering child in the corner , starving, and afraid it is being punished or will be punished;
so I start tapping around this;
even though my body feels it is starving, even though my body feels it doesnt deserve to be fed,
even though my body is afraid it wont be fed,
even though my body is starving, and afraid,
EVEN THOUGH MY BODY FEELS IT IS NOT WORTHY AND DESERVING OF BEING FED (this one was a strong feeling and impression)
and so on.
I just kept tapping around this stuff until it was feeling better,

Then it shifted to
Even though the body feels it has to hoard fat since it is not going to be fed,
even though the body is afraid it is not going to be fed,
even though the body is afraid of starving and so hoards fat, I love and accept it.
even though my body feels it has to hoard fat to protect against starving..
and similar..

Then it shifted to
I accept and love my body's fear and need to hoard fat to protect itself
I accept my bodys desire to hoard fat to protect itself
I accept my body's need for safety
I accept my body's need and desire to feel safe by hoarding fat.

I tapped around stuff like;
I will accept and protect my body
I accept and feed my body
I will feed and protect and nurture my body

And there was more tapping,
around accepting that my body had gained fat because it was trying to protect itself and feel safe and relieve the emotional stress it has been under lately
(external emotional stressors, and the internal feeling and fear that it is starving and will not be adequately fed)
and accepting my my body for gaining this fat even though I didnt like it and found it ugly and superfluous,
accepting that my body has gained this fat, even though it is not my preference
understanding my body's desire to gain this fat, even though I have not liked it,
and understanding my body's desire/need/want to gain fat to feel safe and protected..

So I think this is the main gist of it all!
It was long, and quite detailed,
I have just tried to condense it and give the main impressions,
because I found it so interesting, and could really feel my bodys need to feel safe,
its desire to protect itself from stress (emotional) and hunger/starving, by gaining weight,
and its inner feeling of being a bad child, not worthy, starved and neglected in a corner ,
feeling that it must be bad,
not being fed and looked after properly,
and being afraid of all that, and wanting/needing to survive and protect itself however it could..

[SueQ]

Mini, I have been thinking how odd it is that I haven't responded to you personally (my mind revolves around me, and I always think people are thinking about me, LOL) and I realized that it is because I relate so strongly to what you going through and am afraid that I am going to struggle the same way once I have lost all the weight I have to lose. I think it is likely that I will struggle, we all do, as we are trying to find our new way of living, but that is ok, and in my experience generally means that something is about to get lifted or removed from me. Some part of me resists growth and healing. When the resistance is strongest, a breakthrough and relief for what troubles me is imminent.

So I re-read some of your posts and what came to mind was something that my Mother said to me during one of my recent struggles. I was in that place where I was beating myself up and blaming myself for not being instantly successful like it seems like so many other people seem to do so effortlessly. So I want to say it to you.

You have been fighting and winning so many battles for so long now, but even warriors get tired. Wrap your arms around yourself and rest.

[lunagirl704]

Shelby- Thanks for being there! I'm just @#$% up forever.

Nola- I feel like you know me. It's amazing. Empty shell....is me.

BTW.. I am 38, and a cancer (july 4 birthday lol)

Mini- You will do this!!! So will I! We will support each other!!!! There is no alternative...


My kids are driving me batty so...more tomorrow!

[minimonkey]

Ladies -- I am running out to do some grocery shopping (for my one more load day -- I am doing it! I am so proud of myself for loading, even though it is bringing up all kinds of stuff for me....) and then for the upcoming protocol round --

I decided to load through tomorrow, since I am coming off such a long period of dieting, and since I couldn't manage to get much food down me today... I may as well start this round fully loaded, and with all the cards on my side for a truly good -- and hopefully final! - round.

I want to spend some real time responding to all these posts -- there is a lot here that I want to respond to at length... so look for a couple of long posts from me later on....

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by SueQ

I think it is likely that I will struggle, we all do, as we are trying to find our new way of living, but that is ok, and in my experience generally means that something is about to get lifted or removed from me. Some part of me resists growth and healing. When the resistance is strongest, a breakthrough and relief for what troubles me is imminent.

Yes ! this.. I agree..

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by shelbyla

Mini - we are all here, cheering you on. YOU CAN DO THIS! I'm sure your body (despite the tummy revolt yesterday) is thanking you for the nourishment. As for loading, sometimes I've put on 5 pounds which has taken me a week to get off but I've never been hungry on my rounds...ever...except for the time when I deactivated my drops. I am hoping and praying that after your load you have the same luck as I know that this is something you've struggled with a bit.

Nola - it's odd but I think you, Mini and I are all around the same age. (Not sure about Luna and Sue Q.) I turned 44 in October. Maybe it's the age of reflection and healing for all of us. I certainly hope so. I know that the last year has brought a LOT of changes for me and I think that finally FINALLY I may be getting a little more comfort in my own skin. Not that it seems like it from the above but you should have seen into my psyche about 2 years ago. Talk about a giant MESS! I'm glad I'm out of the situation that was causing it but there were certain things I enjoyed then that I don't now about my career. But at this point I am so so thankful to be employed that I am counting my blessings every day and not worrying so much about job satisfaction. Anyway, just thought it was curious, our ages being so similar.

I am 44 in August this year!
The last month has certainly been a bombshell of change for me.
And really, it hit me by surprise- came out of the blue so to speak, and at a time I was feeling quite settled and contented in myself overall!

I think the 40's are supposed to be a time of change and
coming into ones own power?

[minimonkey]

Wow -- Nola -- I could almost have written your post about being a shell, the punitive religion, the abuse.... WOW do we have a similar template in life!!!!

I was depressed all through high school, and well into my 20s -- and at 28 or so, everything came crashing in on me and I finally went to a therapist -- that was when I first started facing the abuse -- and I was a wreck for quite a while. I still see the same therapist -- I've known him since 1989 (he was my professor) and he's been my analyst since 1995. He's been with me through the worst, darkest moments I've ever faced, and I am grateful to have him in my life.

Yes, I turned 44 this past December, so Shelby & Nola, I am very close in age to both of you.

I hope that all the unsettledness I'm feeling at the moment is leading to some real healing -- it feels like I am willing to open up some feelings that I hadn't been willing to touch this deeply before.

Its rather terrifying, but I also know it is necessary if I am really going to heal. At times, I like to pretend I have it all together, but I never manage to fool myself for very long (I do manage to fool others at times.)

[minimonkey]

SueQ-- What an incredibly sweet, supportive thing you said to me! Thank you!

I hope you don't struggle as I am struggling, and perhaps facing some of this now will make it easier for you when you get to maintenance.

I'd love to think I'll have it all figured out when you get to goal, and then I can tell you how its done... but that seems a little ambitious, lol!!!

[minimonkey]

Question that may be out of the blue, but are any of you familiar with the theories of Carl Jung at all?

Or, if not, are you familiar with the "Trickster" character that shows up in art, literature, folklore, etc. from around the world?

I am asking this for a reason.... I promise.....

[minimonkey]

So -- I made it through load day two -- I got a bit hungry this evening, so I ate some more. It is a lot easier to eat if I actually am hungry, and I'd rather do an extra day or two of moderate loading than to force myself to eat when my body doesn't want food.

I'm trying really hard not to resist the process, not to freak out over it, and to just be totally at peace with whatever the scale may have to say when I finish loading. It's hard as heck!

I keep just telling myself that it is okay to accept my body, thin or not so thin, and that my body is not my enemy.... sometimes that feels true, and other times it doesn't at all.

I'm not sure if I will start protocol Monday, or possibly Tuesday . I'd like to have the real hcg in my body when I do start it, but I also don't want to keep loading, so if I decide to wait until Tuesday, I'll eat high fat again on Monday but in a decidedly measured way.

[minimonkey]

Luna, you and I have some kind of kinship, too -- at least I feel that. I hate to see you struggling so much, and giving up so much of your life to the struggle with food. I wonder what is behind the need for that struggle -- you said yourself that the fight with weight is mostly a smokescreen over other things. That hits home for me, too, in a big way.

I'm not belittling the desire to be thin, because that is very real for me, as it is for many of us -- but it seems to carry so much other importance along with it.

Just reading this thread has me feeling physically shaken up -- there is a lot of power here, and a lot of very, very courageous women willing to open up some frightening places within ourselves!