HCG and food/diet/body issues, working with the inner self.

[nola baxter]

nice to see you back

[nola baxter]

I am wondering if I can really do this process well while on a diet.

In the past few days I have been holding my self in abeyance by light food restriction,
while I am making a decision;
and this has seemed to shut the lid down on a lot of things for me.
Now I have to really dig to find stuff, whereas before it was just floating to the surface willy nilly - or,
leaping out and staring me in the face!

It seems- and I am still pondering on it and wondering if it is true;
but that for me, going on a diet neatly suppresses and controls a lot of my "stuff" (my suppressed feelings, experiences, beliefs, emotions etc..);
and makes it much harder , if not impossible, to access them,
thus keeping me in a state of status quo/non-change -
and no need to change because it is a "fairly" comfortable state for me.

And I say "fairly", because the diet state always fails in the end for me too- at some point or other my body (which images itself according to my hidden self),
starts sabotaging my diet efforts.
At then I am in the state of "loss of control over my body" again..

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by SueQ

This second scenario is one I have struggled with. I resist it and am afraid that if I stop dieting that this will happen, and what is so wrong with being able to accept myself just as I am ? It doesn't mean that my body will never change, but that is what it feels like.

I admire you for giving yourself the space to be uncomfortable and then deciding what comes next. I fully support you in whatever you choose for yourself, and and the process of deciding what it is that you want to do. It has been very helpful for me to see you through the process, at least your words and thoughts.

I have though more about this..
"What is so wrong with being able to accept myself as I am?"

Well, for me, accepting myself as I am , has always meant accepting myself as fat, because ,
in my current state of consciousness- that is always what I have manifested,
when I just let myself "naturally" be.
And the fact is- I dont want to be fat - in my conscious mind;
and, I believe, in my true self.

For me also - so far virtually every negative feeling I have had ,
is represented by and associated with my fat;
so: shame =fat or fat = shame
guilt = fat and fat = guilt
rage = fat and fat = suppressed rage ,hate and anger
powerlessness = fat and fat = powerlessness
and so on..

So in every case, each of these suppressed feelings within me,
has played a part in manifesting my "fat",
or in manifesting the "fat me" that my inner self believes itself to be.
And all of these feelings are also one and the same with fat in my subconsiousness;
so if I felt shame- I felt fat
and if I felt fat - I felt a sense of shame
if I felt powerless - I felt fat
if I felt fat - I also felt this sense of powerlessness.
and so on.

So , accepting myself as I naturally am- meant living with my "fat"
and all the the feelings that this "fat" brought up and represented in me;
powerlessness, fear, guilt, rage, disgust, loathing, wanting to kill myself etc.

In short- getting fat represented all my worst traumas
(in my case a lot of abuse)
and all of the intense negative feelings and thoughts about myself;
basically - it was an extremely! (and I do not exaggerate), traumatic state for me..

[SueQ]

It seems- and I am still pondering on it and wondering if it is true;
but that for me, going on a diet neatly suppresses and controls a lot of my "stuff" (my suppressed feelings, experiences, beliefs, emotions etc..);
and makes it much harder , if not impossible, to access them,
thus keeping me in a state of status quo/non-change -
and no need to change because it is a "fairly" comfortable state for me.

And I say "fairly", because the diet state always fails in the end for me too- at some point or other my body (which images itself according to my hidden self),
starts sabotaging my diet efforts.
At then I am in the state of "loss of control over my body" again..

Reading over this I get a strong sense of either/or, black/white. Things have to be one way or the other, they cannot be both at the same time, and they are polar opposites. My question to you (and to me) is does this have to be true for you?

Do you believe that you have to choose between emotional freedom and dietary/physical freedom? If you believe that, that belief could be creating what you are experiencing. Can you give yourself permission to believe that both are possible?

Well, for me, accepting myself as I am , has always meant accepting myself as fat, because ,
in my current state of consciousness- that is always what I have manifested,
when I just let myself "naturally" be.
And the fact is- I dont want to be fat - in my conscious mind;
and, I believe, in my true self.

Deserving. Do you only deserve freedom or happiness in one area of your life and does it always have to come at the expense of freedom in another area?

Maybe in focusing on the big picture, super deep issues, we are missing part of the lesson and the answer is not in absolutes. Maybe the answer is in a combination of small changes we need to make to allow us to have what we want.

I personally have trouble moving past the exploration of issues and think the answer is always in going deeper, when sometimes the awareness alone is already starting to heal me. I move from dwelling in the struggle to affirming for myself that those things are no longer true for me in my reality today. The past has no power over me today. I reject the thoughts that come up that tell me otherwise.

Do you think that you could be at the point where you are feeding these beliefs by continuing to think about them, and it may be time to be willing to release them? Only you can decide. If I have gone too far with my comments, please let me know.

I'm very aware I'm saying things that I need to hear right now and it may have nothing to do with your journey.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by SueQ

Reading over this I get a strong sense of either/or, black/white. Things have to be one way or the other, they cannot be both at the same time, and they are polar opposites. My question to you (and to me) is does this have to be true for you?

Do you believe that you have to choose between emotional freedom and dietary/physical freedom? If you believe that, that belief could be creating what you are experiencing. Can you give yourself permission to believe that both are possible?




Deserving. Do you only deserve freedom or happiness in one area of your life and does it always have to come at the expense of freedom in another area?

Maybe in focusing on the big picture, super deep issues, we are missing part of the lesson and the answer is not in absolutes. Maybe the answer is in a combination of small changes we need to make to allow us to have what we want.

I personally have trouble moving past the exploration of issues and think the answer is always in going deeper, when sometimes the awareness alone is already starting to heal me. I move from dwelling in the struggle to affirming for myself that those things are no longer true for me in my reality today. The past has no power over me today. I reject the thoughts that come up that tell me otherwise.

Do you think that you could be at the point where you are feeding these beliefs by continuing to think about them, and it may be time to be willing to release them? Only you can decide. If I have gone too far with my comments, please let me know.

I'm very aware I'm saying things that I need to hear right now and it may have nothing to do with your journey.

Well , I am just going to wing it here and say a few things off the bat.

One is, I dont mind whether what you say is 100% what I think the issue is or not -
I would still rather that you said it, and I am really glad that you say something, and I thank you for saying something!
It gives me ideas to bounce off and chew over,
and it helps to focus my sights on something to clarify an issue, whether for or against.
I dont feel at all like you have gone too far with your comments- I have considered them deeply and am still considering them..lol
- because some things are below the mental consciousness and take time to surface and clarify..

I do think however that once an issue is really done and gone, that the thoughts dont pop up any more.
I worked with a guy and he said that when people got healed they forgot about the issue they had been healed of, and then complained that nothing had happened- and that both he (Scott McGee) and (Grant McFetridge- Peak States of Consciousness) noticed the same phenomena.
So I tend to feel that if stuff is still popping up-there is still an issue there,
it may not be the one you have just dealt with- it maybe something underneath it that has come up, once the surface and overlying issue has been resolved.
Thats how I find it works for me anyway- I deal with something, and then a whole lot of other stuff comes up behind it,
and sometimes it is the same thing, but at a deeper level,
and sometimes it is the same thing, but from a different aspect and with different angles to it,
and sometimes it is a newer and deeper issue, that can be the ground or foundational aspect of the issue you just offloaded.

I do believe that when something comes into your mind, it has comes from some aspect of yourself. I no longer think that thoughts are just random- even if our mental consciousness doesnt understand the connectivity-
those thoughts will still be connected to and are a part of some part of our being-
or a reflector/reflection of some parts of our being.

I also think this- and I may be wrong-
but it seems to me that when the awareness comes , that something has already shifted;
ie, the awareness comes as a result of an inner shift.
And then, that if there is still stuff bothering you on or around the issue- it is just other aspects or angles, or something deeper that is holding the structure of the issue in place .

Kind of like this -
I have noticed many control issues in my life- a lot around controlling my body and controlling my emotions;
And then I saw the the control was only the surface issue , or the offshoot.
Underlying the control were other issues like;
fear -fear of loss of control, fear of being powerless, fear of having no choice
And then there was the fear- why was I afraid?
Well, certain core experiences imprinted certain beliefs and feelings and understandings into me, based on my impressions and perceptions of the time.
So underneath the fear, was a core experience in which was cemented within me some core beliefs around control, fear; powerlessness etc..

So I kind of see it as a number of layers, going down , down , down.
And there do come points where you really hit a king pin and a whole bunch of stuff seems to shift at once.

However , in as far as what I am dealing with is concerned- I have been thinking about it, and wondering whether it is just time to shut down the intense inner work for a while , control my diet, and move on?!
Have I dealt with enough for now- is it time to stop looking in and look out- well, I dont know.
But what is coming to mind is that there is still an issue going on-
and that is that this essential matter is unresolved for me;
ie, I have still been gaining weight,
and am still in the position of either:
having to control my diet, and control my being in a way that feels wrong on a lot of levels, and puts me in a state of ongoing semi-hunger and subfunctioning:
or ;
get fat- which also feels wrong on a lot of levels.

So I realise now that there is a issue coming up here of trust;
what I have been struggling with in my mind is trust-
"do I continue to trust and let go again, release the diet controls, and continue to process what comes up, and hope for the best??"
or
"do I stay in the controlling position and control my diet at a level that I find less traumatic and keeps me at a weight I at least feel okay with??"

I dont know if that is an approach of polar opposites?
I am not able to see clearly if that is the case or not-
I can only see this- there is either a change of there is not!
This is a longstanding issue, that has been a tremendous conflict within me all of my adult life - a battle of my soul, that has had me all tied up in knots on the inside.
And if I cant get to a place of freedom on this matter- I feel like I may as well lie down and die!
There is just something really really critical about this issue for me-
a matter of life and death so to speak.

And you used another word Sue- "absolutes"- which ties in with the "polar opposites" and "black and white";
Is there some issue I am seeing as too black and white that is blocking my vision??
I am not sure- it is not clear to me - lol - I cant see it in black and white

I just know that there is a issue just sitting there, and that I have been wrestling over it for a few days- the awareness of it is niggling away at me.
I know trust is a part of it- and deserving? I am not sure- not clear on that either.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by SueQ

Reading over this I get a strong sense of either/or, black/white. Things have to be one way or the other, they cannot be both at the same time, and they are polar opposites. My question to you (and to me) is does this have to be true for you?

Do you believe that you have to choose between emotional freedom and dietary/physical freedom? If you believe that, that belief could be creating what you are experiencing. Can you give yourself permission to believe that both are possible?




Deserving. Do you only deserve freedom or happiness in one area of your life and does it always have to come at the expense of freedom in another area?

Maybe in focusing on the big picture, super deep issues, we are missing part of the lesson and the answer is not in absolutes. Maybe the answer is in a combination of small changes we need to make to allow us to have what we want.

Okay- so that other post was getting far too long- so I had to start a new one.
As you may have figured I am trying to nut out things as I am writing- so please bear with me!

Choosing between emotional freedom and dietary/physical freedom?-
well in my conscious mind, at least- they are one and the same
ie, emotional freedom leads to dietary freedom
and conversely it should follow;
dietary freedom should lead to emotional freedom?!
So maybe that is actually the key- lol- let go of the diet and emotional freedom will follow!

There is this principle involved- that when you suppress something in one part of your life- it has a cross-over effect on other parts of your life;
so suppressing myself via the vehicle of diet (for me a diet is a suppression- I dont know if it is so for all or not!),
leads to a suppression of other things;
physical energy, emotions, a sense of freedom.


I believe however- that some underlying belief is hindering me from being able to have;
freedom- in diet
and
freedom- to have what I want
(ie - to have leaness and to feel free and unrestricted and not eternally restraining myself and my body and having to count every calorie..)

So- yes- it is always one thing at the expense of another! absolutely.

But what is the underlying belief/beliefs keeping that structure in place?
I feel like I have already unearthed so much- is there some king-pin I am missing- or is this just the end of the road?

feelings of a lack of freedom
feelings of a lack of trust
feelings of a lack of choice
feelings of not deserving
feelings of not worth it- having no worth
feelings of guilt

Is it just time to let go and trust again?
I have been holding myself back in mistrust essentially.

And interestingly enough- two days ago- two people from whom
I have been estranged- both for the same amount of time,
both contacted me (trying to make up)
In both cases, I felt they betrayed the relationship- not once but many times,
and when they contacted me - I found it hard to unfreeze my heart and respond with any warmth.
In fact - in the case of one of them- I dont know if I should even let him step one inch into my life!
I know that the timing is connected to this issue with the diet- and that there is a key factor/factors underlying both the diet and relationships issues.
I am not sure what is the issue though-
I have been turning it over in my mind ever since-
do I honour my feelings of distrust and not wanting to be betrayed and hurt again-
or do I soften up a bit and allow for some reconciliation?

Again- I dont know-
there is some conflict within that is preventing clarity both with regards to the relationships, and with the diet.
Is there something I am missing ?
Am I too black and white about it all?

If anyone can give me any pointers or random ideas? feel free please..

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by SueQ

Maybe in focusing on the big picture, super deep issues, we are missing part of the lesson and the answer is not in absolutes. Maybe the answer is in a combination of small changes we need to make to allow us to have what we want.

Still pondering this section-
the answer in small changes- not absolutes?
small changes that will allow us to have what we want?

I am thinking- what small changes could I make that will enable me to have what I want?
and:
are they physical changes?
or changes in attitude?

And - how or "what" am I seeing in absolutes that is blocking what I want?

[nola baxter]

Yep, well I have finally finished! ..

[nola baxter]

Well the answers have started flowing.
I released myself from the stranglehold of the dietary constriction I had put around myself;
and straightaway, up came this feeling of fear and tension in my mid-stomach area.

I started to meditate on it and then came stuff;
fear in the gut
fear of the gut
a "gut" fear
feelings of fear in and around the gut
and
"AFRAID TO TRUST IN MY GUT FEELINGS!"
"AFRAID TO TRUST IN MY GUT"

Then;
link of trust broken
lines being broken
bonds of trust broken
breaking the line of trust- ( I then saw this as the connection between my relationship issue and diet issues)
betrayal of the body
betrayal of/in relationships
"a breaking of trust" - the trust is broken
breaking of the links/lines of trust
a breakdown of communication between body and soul
a cutting off for fear of betrayal - and lack of trust

"a breakdown in the lines of communication!"
between body and soul - a break in the lines of communication due to lack of trust and fear of betrayal
(this is what Grant Mcfetridge talks about- when the different parts of us - mind/body/heart, become estranged, and stop talking to each other, like a dysfunctional family, all working against each other, not in harmony with each other, ..)

So- both in the diet(in my body), and in my relationships;
a fear of betrayal and a lack of trusting causing a breakdown in the lines of communication!

When I started to realise all this - big things started to shift inside and I felt lightness and freedom.

There is some more things there- that are not fully cognitive yet;
about this "fear in my gut" and "fear of my gut"
What is my "gut" fear?

But for now- this is all good- I am sure insights will follow!

And now I am going to the gym..lol

There is some other key here- when I was in my 20's I started to question the religious beliefs I was brought up with,
and eventually when I came to the realisation of the core truth beneath all religions- I was freed from the need from any religion!
ie, when you understand the underlying premise- no need for any more rules and regulations!
This popped into my mind last night- and I see that there is
a correlation between this and my diet situation;
when I have finally understood or cleared the core issue- no more need for any diet!!

[SueQ]

In both cases, I felt they betrayed the relationship- not once but many times,
and when they contacted me - I found it hard to unfreeze my heart and respond with any warmth.

It sounds like you think the way you responded to them was not right. Why should you respond with warmth to someone who betrayed you? I understand not wanting to be resentful or bitter, but I would think it prudent to be cautious around someone who has hurt you in the past.

"a breakdown in the lines of communication!"
between body and soul - a break in the lines of communication due to lack of trust and fear of betrayal
(this is what Grant Mcfetridge talks about- when the different parts of us - mind/body/heart, become estranged, and stop talking to each other, like a dysfunctional family, all working against each other, not in harmony with each other, ..)

I like this, have never heard it explained this way. As I try to lose this last bit of weight on P2, I am facing all sorts of new levels of internal resistance. I do not trust my body to cooperate with me and give me what I want. I am second guessing myself all over the place and cannot get clear on what my inner guidance is right now. For me though, it boils down to believing I don't deserve to have all things working well in my life and I feel like the weight loss must come at some cost - poor health, elevated liver enzymes (!), etc.

There is some other key here- when I was in my 20's I started to question the religious beliefs I was brought up with,
and eventually when I came to the realisation of the core truth beneath all religions- I was freed from the need from any religion!
ie, when you understand the underlying premise- no need for any more rules and regulations!
This popped into my mind last night- and I see that there is
a correlation between this and my diet situation;
when I have finally understood or cleared the core issue- no more need for any diet!!

That's a beautiful thing. It happened to me as well where religion is concerned but I didn't realize it until I read what you wrote! I definitely have spirituality in my life but no longer feel like it has to be part of any specific organized religion. I just know what I know because I am connected to it. Wouldn't it be glorious to get to that point in our mind-body relationship as well?

Nola, you are probably taking a long nap because you have been working hard!

[C'Marie]

After just reading for a few minutes, I have a couple thoughts:

Sue - google the liver doctor lady as there may be something there to help "clear" the congestion or high enzymes going on there.
And Sue, when I said I was just now getting it, the learning to be nicer to myself, after a half a century on this earth, I don't regret my life or (most) of the choices I've made. I just had to learn in the last couple of years that I had to learn to take care of myself because I was burning myself out taking care of other people - and mostly other people who didn't give a #%$^ about me, if I burned out they would just move along to someone new to use. I had to learn to listen to my dear husband to learn to rest and be good to myself.

And Nola, you are not being unkind to NOT allow someone to come back into your life when they hurt you and are disloyal to you. To let them back into your life is unkind to you. You don't have to hold a grudge or be mean, but a simple, "I don't choose to associate with you any further, I hope you have a nice life," should be plenty. If you met them today, would they be the sort of person you would choose to associate with? I suspect not. You owe them NOTHING. To be quite blunt, I've had some of these issues as well with others who have trampled me and my family after spending quite a bit of time inside our inner circle. I can choose to disassociate myself from them. I would help them out of a ditch if I was the only passerby, but I will not end up in a situation where they are expecting trust they have not earned. (And I am talking about the same people I described in the paragraph above-people you give your heart, time, life, money, effort, and tears to willingly help them and then they poop on you deserve a heartfelt prayer to put them into G_d's hands for safekeeping because we have to take our hands OFF <before they end up around their throats LOL>.)

(((HUGS TO YOU ALL)))

[minimonkey]

Sue--

"Deserving. Do you only deserve freedom or happiness in one area of your life and does it always have to come at the expense of freedom in another area?"

Whoa! I knot that was meant for Nola, but that question hits it right on the head for me! It seems that when I am feeling happy/prosperous in one arena, I feel I need to suffer in others to make up for it!!!

I'm slowly catching up on this thread -- sorry for the absence.

I'm attempting maintenance, beginning today, with my LDW at 107.2 -- I feel pretty ready to take this on, and my body seems to have set at this weight, so I hope it goes well. This past few weeks haven't been a wash, even though the scale hasn't budged in a while -- I'm seeing some recomposition and reshaping happening, and I honestly like my body on the whole right now -- I'd like it to tighten up a bit more, but I think that can happen on p3. I look forward to getting back in the gym more in the coming weeks

[SueQ]

Thanks, C'Marie! I will google that. Your husband sounds like an incredible, loving man. I'm glad you have someone in your life that reminds you to be good to yourself.

Hi Mini! Just happy to see you here again! Maintenance sounds really, really good (I'm back on P2). I'm happy you are happy with where you are!

It's been a doozy of a week for me. I was not emotionally ready to be back on P2. But I'm in it, don't want to cut the thing short and screw up the weight I have lost so far, so I'm seeing it through at least 23 days. Today was much better, emotionally and hunger-wise. Almost back to LDW, .2 away. Am hoping to break through my lowest weight in the last year by the end of this week (152.6 during P3 when I needed to gain back up to be within my window). Although really it will be what it will be and I'm just planning to stop after the round minimum.

Hope you all have a great day, inner self friends I first typed "inner body friends"...freudian??

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by SueQ

It's been a doozy of a week for me. I was not emotionally ready to be back on P2....

Hope you all have a great day, inner self friends I first typed "inner body friends"...freudian??

ha-ha - "inner body friends" - that sounds just about right!..

I am surprised to hear you were not emotionally ready to be back in P2- because in some ways you seemed "rearing to go" ;
on the other hand- I suppose there were a lot of conflicting feelings and experiences around it..

But now you are "in" it!
I guess that best you can do is ride it through and continue to examine your thoughts and feelings around the whole experience;
and then if it really comes to you strongly that you are not ready to be in that space and want to abort the P2- I guess you can?

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by C'Marie

And Nola, you are not being unkind to NOT allow someone to come back into your life when they hurt you and are disloyal to you. To let them back into your life is unkind to you. You don't have to hold a grudge or be mean, but a simple, "I don't choose to associate with you any further, I hope you have a nice life," should be plenty. If you met them today, would they be the sort of person you would choose to associate with? I suspect not. You owe them NOTHING. To be quite blunt, I've had some of these issues as well with others who have trampled me and my family after spending quite a bit of time inside our inner circle. I can choose to disassociate myself from them. I would help them out of a ditch if I was the only passerby, but I will not end up in a situation where they are expecting trust they have not earned. (And I am talking about the same people I described in the paragraph above-people you give your heart, time, life, money, effort, and tears to willingly help them and then they poop on you deserve a heartfelt prayer to put them into G_d's hands for safekeeping because we have to take our hands OFF <before they end up around their throats LOL>.)

(((HUGS TO YOU ALL)))

Well you made me laugh Cmarie- with the bit
"take our hands off before they end up around their throats"
..lol

I guess coming from the background I do-
where self-abnegation, "self" denial, and self-annihilation were all the genre, in one way or the other :
I sometimes find it hard to know where the boundary posts are in a relationship;
and get confused- "where am I in all of this?"
and
"is there supposed to be any "me" , in all of this?
and
"how much am I supposed to put up with"??

I did dream about the situation last night though and when I woke up got this in my head;
"you are sitting on the fence because you are not really sure about what to do" (in regards to the relationships)
and
"you havent done anything wrong" -
which I took at first to mean just the present- ie, my negligible responses;
but then realised it was also referring to the past -
and to what caused the relationship severations in the first place...

Then I felt,
well just sit back and let be what will be-
if these people really want a relationship of some sort, they need to make the effort and reparation..
so I feel.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by SueQ

It sounds like you think the way you responded to them was not right. Why should you respond with warmth to someone who betrayed you? I understand not wanting to be resentful or bitter, but I would think it prudent to be cautious around someone who has hurt you in the past.



I like this, have never heard it explained this way. As I try to lose this last bit of weight on P2, I am facing all sorts of new levels of internal resistance. I do not trust my body to cooperate with me and give me what I want. I am second guessing myself all over the place and cannot get clear on what my inner guidance is right now. For me though, it boils down to believing I don't deserve to have all things working well in my life and I feel like the weight loss must come at some cost - poor health, elevated liver enzymes (!), etc.



That's a beautiful thing. It happened to me as well where religion is concerned but I didn't realize it until I read what you wrote! I definitely have spirituality in my life but no longer feel like it has to be part of any specific organized religion. I just know what I know because I am connected to it. Wouldn't it be glorious to get to that point in our mind-body relationship as well?

Nola, you are probably taking a long nap because you have been working hard!

Yes- I guess in terms of responding to those who betrayed me- it is a bit of an abuse response wherein I tend to take it all on myself,
make it my fault- so somehow I have to make up for it..
I am still sorting through and discarding those kind of responses..

But last week I did have this thought; "I can make my feelings right"
(I have always made my feelings and my "self" wrong and the "other" (person and their feelings) to be right.
So this was a novel concept to me- I can believe in and validate my feelings?

A long nap - well I did work out very hard at the gym yesterday,
and this is what I found;
When I did deep , weighted squats- I was activating and breathing through my abs in a way I havent experienced before- particualrly in the solar plexus area!
I could feel I was activating the muscles in a new way.
And to confirm the experience, I had unusually sore abs today.
So I take this to be a result of "reconnecting to my gut" from the work earlier in the morning.

I also found- my energy crashed half way through- which I take to be a result of the previous days (minor) food restriction.
Which made me think;
that my body functions far better on more food- and in many ways- there is just no doubt about it.
But how to correlate that with a good weight!!
I was in fact talking to my body today, and saying;
"okay body- I want to be lean, how can we go about this together!"
"how can I be lean and you get what you want and need!- the right amount of food, nutrients, energy etc.."
And I had a very interesting experience- which I will write in my next post..

"I just know what I know because I am connected to it"
this is perfect for the mind-body connection as far as I am concerned-
and reflects the kind of intuitive flow that I feel should be with the food, body, rest, relaxation, exercise etc.

[SueQ]

Nola, I know, I was surprised myself about not feeling into it this time around. I think it was a reaction to feeling restricted but I think most of it has passed. I go through a fear wave each round and just got it over with early this time.

And, I just started TOM. What is it with this batch of HCG??? I am a week early. Perhaps that explains some of the emotions, but it better not screw up my week 1 losses!

[nola baxter]

This bit about
" having one thing at the expense of the other"

I had one realisation after my meditation this morning;
"I dont have to deny myself in relationship anymore"
"I dont have to deny myself for relationship anymore"

Always in relationship- I felt like I had to deny, annihilate,and abnegate myself-
as a condition of having a relationship..

"A relationship is always at the cost of my "self" !"

And it the same in the diet- have to deny, annihilate and abnegate my body-
to have what I want-
ie, the body I want..

"A body always at the cost of myself ( hunger, lesser function, life, energy, freedom, etc)"

Theres more stuff going on there for me;
but I just thought I would write this bit so far-
because it seems to be one of the going issues for a few of us!

[nola baxter]

Good luck for your maintenance Mini- it may be a whole new journey for you!

[nola baxter]

Well I had an interesting experience today;
I was meditating and going through stuff, talking to my body, and considering letting go of my diet and all the associated feelings and thoughts;
then I really felt in myself, this full scale desire to just leap into food head on,
"dive headfirst into a vat of food" (a Mini quote- lol);
and then I thought- what if I do this,
consequences, fat, etc..
Anyway I was just letting different energies run through my body and stuff come up;
and I felt again the feelings, afraid, fear ,constriction, fear around my neck about food and calories..
and I just kept sitting through it all;
then I got up and started writing.
And I was having this big feeling and associated words;
feeling all out in space, out in space, no ground, nothing to rely on
free-falling in space, feeling out of my body in space, feeling "spaced" out
then-
This whole feeling that I have when I consider fully letting go and trusting my body- is like floating out in space , with no ground under my body;
no ground, no anchor ,nothing to anchor myself to , nothing to rely on, no "ground" under my feet.

And the feelings and thoughts started to clarify;
"no reason to trust" , "no grounds on which to trust"

And then I remembered-
all yesterday I was thinking of ringing up this guy and saying to him
"give me one good reason why I should trust you for one minute?!"

And I realised, with my body- I felt so betrayed by my body and in the whole experience of abuse I felt;
"I can never trust anyone again"
"I can never trust any body again"
"I can never trust "my" body again"

The feeling of betrayal and loss of trust was so great and tremendous it felt like I no longer had any ground beneath my feet in my life anymore;
I had nothing to trust in anymore, I could not trust in anyone else, and I could not trust in my self , or my body anymore.
I no longer had anything or anyone to rely on;
nothing on which I could rely, or "ground" myself, or "have any faith in".
The feeling was as like "going for a massive free-fall - with nothing to catch you at the bottom"
And it is this exact feeling, with a massive sense of fear, that I get when I contemplate letting go and trusting the body.

The idea and feeling of trusting again , trusting my body, trusting myself, trusting anyone,
after experiencing such betrayal and loss of faith and trust;
is as scary as going for a massive freefall!!

After this all , I literally felt like I had gone for a massive free-fall- with all of the fear and adrenalin still in my body.
It was a very strong and real experience, for sure!

[minimonkey]

Small insight from me this morning -- when I get something that I want, I fear losing it --- this applies to my whole life, not just thinness.

Hmm -- p3 food for thought.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

Small insight from me this morning -- when I get something that I want, I fear losing it --- this applies to my whole life, not just thinness.

Hmm -- p3 food for thought.

I am the same, that I am sure.

I was noticing the other week a sense of fear/uncertainty around being thin again;
Then I realised that that is what it was,
fear and insecurity around maintaining the state;
fear and insecurity because I didnt feel it was "mine" to "have and to hold" in the first place;
ie, "I am not thin" (intrinsically),
I felt I didn't truly "own", or "deserve" thin,
and so it was a very insecure precarious state..

Kind of like something I had "acquired illegimately"
and didnt deserve..

[SueQ]

Kind of like something I had "acquired illegimately"
and didnt deserve..

There it is, that deserving thing!

Nola, I'm reading an excerpt from "The Psychic Pathway" on Amazon trying to decide if I want to buy the book. Someone recommended it to me. The page I opened up to is about a woman named Nola, who is being coached to work from love rather than a place of survival. I'm passing that one because I don't hear the name Nola very often, and in case it is a message for you!

I just took my first of two classes in intuitive development. I'm not sure how to feel about everything that I learned and experienced, but I am very open to all sorts of possibilities right now.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by SueQ

There it is, that deserving thing!

Nola, I'm reading an excerpt from "The Psychic Pathway" on Amazon trying to decide if I want to buy the book. Someone recommended it to me. The page I opened up to is about a woman named Nola, who is being coached to work from love rather than a place of survival. I'm passing that one because I don't hear the name Nola very often, and in case it is a message for you!

I just took my first of two classes in intuitive development. I'm not sure how to feel about everything that I learned and experienced, but I am very open to all sorts of possibilities right now.

Thanks Sue

I will think on that message.
I can do with a bit of something right now ..
I have just been smacked in the face with a most devastating betrayal in my current life, and am finding it very hard to encompass. It is beyond what I could have imagined.
And I guess- no coincidence with the timing - since as betrayal and trust issues are what I have been working intensively on over the past few days.

Still- I feel I could have done without it!

[SueQ]

I'm sorry to hear that, Nola. I'll send you some prayers and encouragement from here.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by SueQ

I'm sorry to hear that, Nola. I'll send you some prayers and encouragement from here.

Thankyou Sue.
I am getting through it.

Do you know what the fear is about that comes up during your P2?
Does it get better each time- or are you just more used to it and so prepared for its coming?

[SueQ]

I really think it is based in that whole cheating the system thing you mentioned in a post above, although those aren't the words that you used. I don't believe that I am capable of having the body I want, and that I am finding some kind of loophole using HCG to lose the weight I do, and that there will be a cost. It changes enough each time that I get to experience it new and not be completely able to convince myself it isn't real.

I decided tonight to stop the HCG. I'm mostly past the fear, or dealing with it ok, but I'm getting hungrier and don't have that underlying high level of motivation to make it worthwhile. It's my TOM again, so I'm basically exactly at last round LDW, which is ironic, because the big risk I think in stopping the HCG short of 23 days is that my body will try to stabilize at the exact weight I am right now....hahaha!!!!!

I spend the day shopping with my sister and she said a lot of things to me that I can hear from her and believe, because she is very thin and fit and doesn't sugar-coat things or say things just to make me feel good. She basically told me that I looked as thin as my Mom (who looks great, that is a good thing!), that she doesn't think I need to lose another 20 lbs and asked me if I worried about getting too thin. I am starting to think all of this dieting is keeping me from seeing my own body objectively. I am not too thin or close to that, however, I don't think I am as fat as I think I am, and I think I am much more "normal" in weight than I am able to see. I took my last HCG dose tonight, I am not going hungry anymore, and I am going to focus on loving my body exactly how it is right now and appreciating all the hard work I have done up to this point.

I am going to P3, then start some exercise, and I have a consult with a plastic surgeon in May. I'm not even close to being ready to make a decision about a tummy tuck, but I want information. That is the one part of my body it is hardest to accept the way that it is, but the more research I do the more it seems that my issue isn't going to be corrected by diet and exercise. I'll either learn to accept and love it, or have a tummy tuck. Nothing extreme about that, is there???? At least I'm not deciding now.

[C'Marie]

I posted this quickly in the P2 and P3 thread (a combined thread which is usually the only place I post when I'm in a hurry) --

I am stress eating. That's unusual for me. Usually under stress I starve so this is relatively new. I am not eating much that is *bad* but the volume of food, even P3 seems very high and I am a little freaked out about it right now. I feel I am gaining and I am afraid to weigh but I know better. I have lost 100 pounds and NOW feel like eating? WTH. I am considering going and getting some appetite suppressants for a stop-gap measure until this busy season for me ends April 17. Ideas? Anything actually healthy for me to take? I need to get a grip or jump back on P2, which I had just decided not to do to keep my energy up higher.

[C'Marie]

@Sue and Nola,

You both mention "deserving" and Sue, the "loophole" and I have struggled with those same feelings - like doing it the hcg way is somehow "cheating" at weightloss and I don't deserve to keep it off. I am determined to overcome this issue. I simply don't want to be fat anymore. Whether or not I feel like I deserve it, I know that I really do, so I'm stepping up and TAKING IT, by force if necessary. I am starting to feel almost militant and I'm not sure against who. For goodness sake, does this make any sense!?

[C'Marie]

@Nola, I'm very sorry to hear someone betrayed you. You don't deserve anything but true friends in your life. (((HUGS)))