HCG and food/diet/body issues, working with the inner self.

[shelbyla]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

Icecream: The way I read Shelby's post was that she felt that she saw some of herself in what you had written -- she reacted to your words and thought they might indicate a block that she also had in herself. (Correct me if I am wrong, Shelby!)

It was painful to read about your relationship history -- I don't know you at all, but it made me want to give you a hug, and tell you how courageous you are for taking on the feelings associated with all that pain. (It also made me want to hunt down the people who have hurt you, and smack them over the head with a frying pan!)

Mini had it exactly right icecream. I felt discomfort when I read your statement and I drew the conclusion that since *I* was feeling so uncomfortable with it, that *I* probably have some sort of similar issue. Men-wise, I alternate between men who I "like" but can never feel deeply for (and thus they can never hurt me) to men who make me completely mentally crazy (and who utterly destroy me emotionally). In the latter cases there is usually a component of trying to "save" or "help" them in some way and I usually put up with a lot of cr@p because a) I'm infatuated and b) I usually blame myself. Luckily this has never really turned to physical abuse but there has been plenty of emotional/mental. Oddly, I am usually thinner during the bad-boy phases than the nice-guy phases--probably because I really don't care what the nice guys think. Unfortunately, I think I am in one of my bad-boy phases right now. And I am trying my damnedest to not put up with anything and not try to save him. It's kinda tough but I am muscling through. I think... Btw, I've got some good cast-iron that you can borrow. It probably is good for multiple heads...

[icecreamjunkie]

HaHa! just to give ya'll an idea of the type of diabolical idiots I have dealt with....I used to have an act on here years ago (when I was following SB) that was tied to my personal email address. Well, the psycho that I was with at the time (i refer to him as bipolar #1...to imply there was a #2 that quickly followed!) created an act on here and flamed a bunch of people...well, because I sometimes logged on at his house my act was tied to his because of shared isp address. Needless to say they banned me. I THOUGHT that they allowed me back on and blocked his act....I just tried to go in and email the webmasters about an issue I am having with my signature and noticed that the email that is tied to this act ( i created this shortly after we broke up, I was trying to clear anything he MIGHT have access to...he still hacks into my acts, email, fb, myspace anything i have and it has been since 2009!)was one that he had created. I almost threw up....i was terrified that he would check that email and have access to my act and information here. So, when I tried to change my email to my own personal act. it told me I had been banned (again, that is the email I had used when he did the flaming....which i knew NOTHING about). Are we ever really rid of them??? I contacted yahoo and they put me in touch with their legal dept. Unfortunatley, they said they can't track isp addresses or they would be more than happy to nail him with federal charges for hacking into my email. They did change my password to something that I don't even know so that he can never get it! UGH!!! Does any of this make sense??? I just want to use my own email address!

[marylouise]

oh my goodness.........wow......hey icecream...delete ur in box...its full....okdokie

[icecreamjunkie]

ok, so all of the messages that were associated w/ my old act that had been banned just showed up in my inbox...that is why it is full. OMG I want him out of my life....it has been since April of 2009....it is worse than the weight....i just can't get rid of him!!!!!

[marylouise]

oh my goodness...I am so sorry....oh me...calm down cause he sounds like he ant worth rise in B/P......

[marylouise]

you need to delete your cache 4 sure.....

[icecreamjunkie]

Originally Posted by marylouise

oh my goodness...I am so sorry....oh me...calm down cause he sounds like he ant worth rise in B/P......

Thank you! I am now sobbing....it is like I will never be free of him. There is a series of letters, copies of texts, IMs and such in a safety deposit box in Texas W my parents and my best friend (who, crazy enough is not only my best friend but quite possibly the world's most perfect man...)that detail his crazyness, should anything ever happen to me.

I composed the msg below to send to the moderators to see if they could help me. Does it make sense....or does it just make me sound like a babbling psycho?! Gosh....now ya'll are going to think I am psycho!

I need HELP! Please, I am begging. Several years ago, I had a psycho boyfriend who created an act and flamed people(is that the right word) well, I had NO idea he was doing it but because i often logged on at his house, ya'll had tied my email address and bentleykisser act on here to him as well and thought it was me. I thought it had been at least semi cleared up...well, after I finally got away from him I created a new act that I knew he would not know about (I STILL have him taunting me on yahoo IM from time to time)....I went in tonight and wanted to send ya'll a message about my signature that I am having problems with and noticed that the email that is tied to the icecreamjunkie act is one that he had set up years ago. I literally almost threw up in panic...I don't want him to have any access to me and it scared me that he might God forbid still check that email act. So, I tried to change the email to my bentleykisser email and it said I had been banned. I am guessing that this is still because of the flaming that he had done years ago. PLEASE help figure this out. I promise you that I had no idea he was doing it, he is crazy, half of Beaufort Co, SC will agree with me on that one. He is not a nice person and I am still paying for ever having gotten involved with him. My parents and best friend in texas have letters in a safety deposit box should anything mysterious ever happen to me....I am not even kidding...he is that diabolical. Please advise me on how I can change this email? I no longer have the password for it and I desperately want to use my personal email.
thank you so much and I hope this makes sense!
Theresa

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

Wow, Nola -- that is one powerful dream! It stirred up a lot of feelings in me as I read it -- those images could have come out of the deeper parts of my own psyche as well. Your dreams seem to be allowing for the processing through of a lot of grief right now -- and I do believe that a lot of our inner work happens in the unconscious, while dreaming.

I really hear you about the feeling as if your life is crashing to the ground -- I am feeling much the same way, but not really about the weight so much as about external events in my professional life. In many ways, it isn't far from the truth right now --

The weight stuff is just an added frustration on top of everything else, and like Luna and others, it provides me a shelter from feeling the other emotions -- if I concentrate all my feelings on my body/diet/etc., I don't have to face the rest of it ---

Of course, that totally backfires, and I end up working through the other insecurities, griefs, and so forth in a displaced form, and trying to fool myself into thinking that a few extra pounds is the heart of the problem.

Hi Mini
That dreaming seemed to help me;
I feel better today after that sleep , more at peace - and I am sure it did help me process some of the grief.

Its sure easier to deal with a few extra pounds than everything else!- I wish it worked..lol

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by icecreamjunkie

Thank you! I am now sobbing....it is like I will never be free of him. There is a series of letters, copies of texts, IMs and such in a safety deposit box in Texas W my parents and my best friend (who, crazy enough is not only my best friend but quite possibly the world's most perfect man...)that detail his crazyness, should anything ever happen to me.

I composed the msg below to send to the moderators to see if they could help me. Does it make sense....or does it just make me sound like a babbling psycho?! Gosh....now ya'll are going to think I am psycho!

I need HELP! Please, I am begging. Several years ago, I had a psycho boyfriend who created an act and flamed people(is that the right word) well, I had NO idea he was doing it but because i often logged on at his house, ya'll had tied my email address and bentleykisser act on here to him as well and thought it was me. I thought it had been at least semi cleared up...well, after I finally got away from him I created a new act that I knew he would not know about (I STILL have him taunting me on yahoo IM from time to time)....I went in tonight and wanted to send ya'll a message about my signature that I am having problems with and noticed that the email that is tied to the icecreamjunkie act is one that he had set up years ago. I literally almost threw up in panic...I don't want him to have any access to me and it scared me that he might God forbid still check that email act. So, I tried to change the email to my bentleykisser email and it said I had been banned. I am guessing that this is still because of the flaming that he had done years ago. PLEASE help figure this out. I promise you that I had no idea he was doing it, he is crazy, half of Beaufort Co, SC will agree with me on that one. He is not a nice person and I am still paying for ever having gotten involved with him. My parents and best friend in texas have letters in a safety deposit box should anything mysterious ever happen to me....I am not even kidding...he is that diabolical. Please advise me on how I can change this email? I no longer have the password for it and I desperately want to use my personal email.
thank you so much and I hope this makes sense!
Theresa

I am really sorry you are having this problem.
Your letter sounds alright to me, and does not sound psycho, (just desperate and needing help).
I hope you can get it sorted.

I have no internet savvy- I am sorry I have no good ideas of how to help!

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

I think this is very, very likely true!!!! I have a terrible time expressing my pain -- and even when I do, I tend to think I am burdening others with something that is too trivial for them to waste their time on, and so forth... It ends up turning in on me, and wreaking havoc on my body.

I have that inhibition too, about expressing my pain to others, and often dont. I most often keep it in and try to deal with it on my own.

And when I think about it - I find it hard to accept sympathy/empathy from others?
I am not sure what that is about-
something to look at..
My family is very big on stoicism and the stiff upper-lip!

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by shelbyla

Mini had it exactly right icecream. I felt discomfort when I read your statement and I drew the conclusion that since *I* was feeling so uncomfortable with it, that *I* probably have some sort of similar issue. Men-wise, I alternate between men who I "like" but can never feel deeply for (and thus they can never hurt me) to men who make me completely mentally crazy (and who utterly destroy me emotionally). In the latter cases there is usually a component of trying to "save" or "help" them in some way and I usually put up with a lot of cr@p because a) I'm infatuated and b) I usually blame myself. Luckily this has never really turned to physical abuse but there has been plenty of emotional/mental. Oddly, I am usually thinner during the bad-boy phases than the nice-guy phases--probably because I really don't care what the nice guys think. Unfortunately, I think I am in one of my bad-boy phases right now. And I am trying my damnedest to not put up with anything and not try to save him. It's kinda tough but I am muscling through. I think... Btw, I've got some good cast-iron that you can borrow. It probably is good for multiple heads...

I had a "nice guy" last year, who treated me really well, but I just didnt love him and realised I never would,
so I said goodbye to him!
I found it really strange how little I missed him afterwards and how much the break-up didnt hurt (me).

My "bad guy", with whom I have had a lot of ups and downs, ons and offs,
and whom I do have the feeling of love for;
I finally told to go away and that, " I didnt want to see him any more because from what I could tell he was trying to treat me like a cheap f***."
But always, my break-ups with him have been very painful and entailed lots of missing and hurt, and lingering feelings.
There is no logic in it.

[icecreamjunkie]

Originally Posted by nola baxter

My "bad guy", with whom I have had a lot of ups and downs, ons and offs,
and whom I do have the feeling of love for;
I finally told to go away and that, " I didnt want to see him any more because from what I could tell he was trying to treat me like a cheap f***."
But always, my break-ups with him have been very painful and entailed lots of missing and hurt, and lingering feelings.
There is no logic in it.

I know right?!? What is it that causes us to do that? Is it the "you always want what you can't have"?
Now, I admit that I was upset at first when i broke up w/ the psycho...though now, I would give anything to erase him from my life. I just got off the phone with my parents telling them about the nightmare of him always somehow creeping back in one way or another. My last one (the broken engagement) I still cry every day...I can't get him out of my head. Nola, do you still mull over all of the good times, or do you rehash the bad moments? I tend to go from one to the other....like a bad ping pong game! It is actually exhausting...and I WISH I could learn to let things go! I KNOW that is one of my pitfalls...learning to exhale and move on!

[SueQ]

The Heal Your Life book is by Louise Hay. I think she does workshops too but they are probably pricey. Her seminars are. A friend of mine led the one I did. If you are in AZ we are starting another one next week, but that isn't likely I suppose. If you want me to ask her about how to find other ones just let me know.

Nola, your dream made me think about the crazy fear I get into every time I start another HCG round, or my P3 after where I became convinced that I was not going to be able to maintain no matter what. It manifests in strange ways. Irrational fear of dogs, beliefs that I have some terminal disease in my body somewhere, paranoia, anxiety. I am starting to be able to recognize it now and the awareness helps it to subside. I do have to accept it and tolerate it without trying to change it though. It is scary to feel powerless over our weight, and sometimes scarier to be thinner than we have allowed ourselves to be. It reminds me how and why I got overweight in the first place and why I so comfortably stayed there for so long.

When it gets really bad I actually have a conversation with my body and reassure it that "we" are safe and that we are working together for my greatest health. We deserve it. Doing that actually broke the plateau I was writing about above.

I actually believe that a lot of these fears are physically stored in cellular memory in my fat and that is why they intensify when I lose weight. I drink a ridiculous amount of water to flush those fears out with the fat. But I'm pretty kooky about the spiritual aspects of weight loss

I hope this passes for you soon. Sending you lots of healing energy!

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by icecreamjunkie

I know right?!? What is it that causes us to do that? Is it the "you always want what you can't have"?
Now, I admit that I was upset at first when i broke up w/ the psycho...though now, I would give anything to erase him from my life. I just got off the phone with my parents telling them about the nightmare of him always somehow creeping back in one way or another. My last one (the broken engagement) I still cry every day...I can't get him out of my head. Nola, do you still mull over all of the good times, or do you rehash the bad moments? I tend to go from one to the other....like a bad ping pong game! It is actually exhausting...and I WISH I could learn to let things go! I KNOW that is one of my pitfalls...learning to exhale and move on!

Hiya

I dont know why I loved the bad guy and not the good! I dont know if its due to some twisted bit of my psyche;
or because I just love the bad guy regardless, for who he is, good or bad.

I have gone through a lot of painful cycles with this man, and now it is not so painful any more- I feel I have cycled out of a lot of it (ie, grown through it and out of it emotionally);
and when I finally told him to go away- a few weeks ago, it was not so painful any more, I felt I took my power in my hands by making that move.
I still have residual feelings for him- I do not know if or when they will go away- but it is not the painful tearing like it was in the past.

In the past I would do as you say-
mentally bounce between the good times and the bad!
I think you just have to let it flow, and accept the all the feelings, good and bad , and gradually they do subside and you can move on.
It is pretty hard and painful to deal with- especially the way it happened in your last relationship.
I do remember how I felt when I more or less found my one crawling out of bed with someone else (and it wasnt even with someone I knew , and we were technically on a "break");
but it was still excruciating.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by SueQ

The Heal Your Life book is by Louise Hay. I think she does workshops too but they are probably pricey. Her seminars are. A friend of mine led the one I did. If you are in AZ we are starting another one next week, but that isn't likely I suppose. If you want me to ask her about how to find other ones just let me know.

Nola, your dream made me think about the crazy fear I get into every time I start another HCG round, or my P3 after where I became convinced that I was not going to be able to maintain no matter what. It manifests in strange ways. Irrational fear of dogs, beliefs that I have some terminal disease in my body somewhere, paranoia, anxiety. I am starting to be able to recognize it now and the awareness helps it to subside. I do have to accept it and tolerate it without trying to change it though. It is scary to feel powerless over our weight, and sometimes scarier to be thinner than we have allowed ourselves to be. It reminds me how and why I got overweight in the first place and why I so comfortably stayed there for so long.

When it gets really bad I actually have a conversation with my body and reassure it that "we" are safe and that we are working together for my greatest health. We deserve it. Doing that actually broke the plateau I was writing about above.

I actually believe that a lot of these fears are physically stored in cellular memory in my fat and that is why they intensify when I lose weight. I drink a ridiculous amount of water to flush those fears out with the fat. But I'm pretty kooky about the spiritual aspects of weight loss

I hope this passes for you soon. Sending you lots of healing energy!

Ok, yes I have read some of Louise Hays books, and worked with the material a bit. Maybe it is time to revisit them to see if anything speaks to me.
(I live in NZ- a very long way away!)

Ironically enough my fears tend to be triggered more by weight gain than weight loss.
(Although I do wonder if there are some hidden reverse fears that stop me from obtaining, or being able to stay at the lean weight that I want for any reasonable period of time.)
I am scared of being powerless over weight gain- that brings up a lot of stuff for me;
and in fact is what has happened recently- I seemed to have gained and have had no power over it- ie, not been able to control it through diet.

I too believe things are stored in our cells, fears, emotions etc.
Mini was talking about that recently too, speculating that with the weight loss that she had had, that various emotions were being likely being released.

Maybe my body has been trying to bury my recent painful (maybe considered unsafe) emotions,
by trying to lock them away in fat!

Before I came and read your email, I was in the kitchen talking to my body! - Telling it it was ok to be lean, that it was safe to be lean, that it was allowed to be lean, that it was alright to be lean,
and that I would look after it and feed it well, that it would be well fed!,
that it was healthy and fun to be lean - and so on..

I have been through this weight cycle enough times ,
and been so fully disciplined with the external aspects of weight loss (only to fail repeatedly);
to know that success in it must be driven more by inner aspects than outer- so I too am kooky about the spiritual aspects!

Thanks for your support

[nola baxter]

Hi

I have been reading this site and finding it really good;
Naturally Thin: Anti Diet Resources from Jean Antonello

especially the articles;

"Listen up your body is trying to talk to you"
"Is 'emotional eating' really emotional?"
"Feast or Famine, the vicious cycle behind eating problems"
"Genevieves story"

and many others..

I first came to this womans ideas years ago, and was trying it out;
I was reading a forum where people were doing it, and trying to go with the process.
But I was gaining weight and got to a point where that was just too emotionally uncomfortable for me; and I couldnt trust the process;
so I started to calorie restrict and diet again.

But I am looking at it again and considering the ideas.
Because I feel for sure, that denying and repressing and controlling natural hunger is a screwy way to live and leads to all kinds of negative repercussions.
But for many of us who have forced our bodies against our natural hunger over the years , and have messed with our metabolisms, and all our bodies natural mechanisms;
there is the potential of large weight gain with this process, until the body becomes relaxed enough to reduce hunger and let go of weight.
(or something like that)
And for some of that , that is untenable, or very scary, or not doable, or whatever!

I have followed and allowed my body's hunger more over the recent years, but have still been controlling and restraining it
to a degree;
and am considering , do I fully let go or not?

[C'Marie]

Wow, I am so glad this thread exists. I wish I had more time to even consider joining in. I know it would help but I am working many, many hours right now and am so focused on that and the actual protocol that I don't let myself *think* anything right now in order to get through this time period (tax season - I'm a tax accountant).

I will say that I have been wondering when or if I will get to a point where the bad dreams start again as I get thinner. Maybe they won't this time because I have figured it out, in the awake world. I have had repeated issues with that every time I have lost weight. They are very bad and very violent and about rape. I finally realized awhile ago that even though I had forgotten about them and not really consciously connected them to weight loss and not being able to maintain, that I was ready to face them again if need be. I am worth it.

AND A DEVIL EXPOSED IS A DEVIL DEFEATED. I will NOT live in fear. IF G-D be for us, who can stand against us?

[minimonkey]

Icecream: I just wanted to send a huge hug to you -- that situation sounds horrible! I really hope you get it sorted out sooner rather than later.

[minimonkey]

C'Marie -- I am so sorry to hear about the dreams -- they also sound awful, and very much related to the weight loss. It's amazing what comes up for us as our bodies change.

I suspect you are right that having faced them in the awake world will make a difference ...either they will be less distressing, or they won't occur at all. I hope you don't have to go through that ever again -- and you are very brave to be willing to face them if they happen.

[minimonkey]

Nola, I am going to check out the site you mentioned, and see if anything resonates with me.

I'm feeling seriously uncomfortable with this p3 break -- trying to make myself eat, knowing that I will be heading into a protocol round starting next week... and I feel a lot of guilt, anxiety, fear, you name it, from eating freely. I know this isn't a good sign -- there's something about being in "diet" mode that makes me feel better, though I hate it at the same time.

I do know that I will be mighty glad when the hcg gets here, and I have a legitimate reason to start dieting again. I'm really hoping it works ... and by works, I mean provides the promised losses as well as the hunger suppression and the metabolic reset.

I also know that if that doesn't do the trick, I need to come to terms with either keeping my body and its needs on a very short leash indefinitely, or come to terms with weighing more than I want to weigh, and I'll be totally honest in saying that I prefer the former choice to the latter.

I am willing to give a go to the Leptin Reset, if I can't stabilize after doing the hcg... and I will take that as it comes.

Luna, I seriously understand your frustration with all of this -- we are in so much the same place at the moment.

[minimonkey]

I'll keep doing the emotional work around body concerns on my own, and I am going to be restarting therapy tomorrow. I won't be working on diet anxiety, specifically, with my therapist, but that is because there are so many more pressing concerns that I need to talk about in therapy at the moment -- my academic nightmare, for starters... life stresses that are genuinely huge. I suspect that if I get some of that worked through, I may also relax a lot more about my body -- I hope so, anyhow.

I'm sending lots of love out to everyone who is struggling right now, and lots of thanks for providing a safe, non-judgmental place where I can discuss these feelings. That means a tremendous lot to me.

[lunagirl704]

Icecream- I'm so sorry to hear of your situation...have you notified the police? He is a stalker.

C'marie- I admire your courage to face the dreams in the awake world...

Mini- I stopped my hcg yesterday and didn't feel any different hunger-wise than I did while taking the pellets. So I am questioning their potency. There is a lot of snake oil in the hcg world. This weekend I am just going to 'be.' I am going to eat p3, not too much, and see where it gets me. I have a lot to do this weekend so I am just not going to think about it. I'm not sure if I will start up again on hcg next week. I hope your new hcg works! I want the same things from it! I look forward to reading about your progress.

I started therapy again last week...right now i'm not sure I want to continue but there are some issues I would like to work on.

[minimonkey]

Good for you, Luna, in letting go of the "diet" for a little while -- and I wonder, too, about whether your pellets were working or not.

I'm trying to do the same thing -- just eat p3, and "be" this weekend -- I am also very, very busy the next few days! We'll see, I suppose, whether I have any success doing that. I am certainly looking forward to the structure of the upcoming protocol hcg round, though... and I will be seriously excited if it works.

I wouldn't necessarily trust the drops I purchased, either, except that there is a group of people using them who swear they both test positive on a pregnancy test, and that they work.

I hope you all have good weekends, and that we all find increasing peace and relief from all these stresses!

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

Nola, I am going to check out the site you mentioned, and see if anything resonates with me.

I'm feeling seriously uncomfortable with this p3 break -- trying to make myself eat, knowing that I will be heading into a protocol round starting next week... and I feel a lot of guilt, anxiety, fear, you name it, from eating freely. I know this isn't a good sign -- there's something about being in "diet" mode that makes me feel better, though I hate it at the same time.

I do know that I will be mighty glad when the hcg gets here, and I have a legitimate reason to start dieting again. I'm really hoping it works ... and by works, I mean provides the promised losses as well as the hunger suppression and the metabolic reset.

I also know that if that doesn't do the trick, I need to come to terms with either keeping my body and its needs on a very short leash indefinitely, or come to terms with weighing more than I want to weigh, and I'll be totally honest in saying that I prefer the former choice to the latter.

I am willing to give a go to the Leptin Reset, if I can't stabilize after doing the hcg... and I will take that as it comes.

Luna, I seriously understand your frustration with all of this -- we are in so much the same place at the moment.

Hi Mini

Some of those articles on the Naturally Thin site are talking about exactly what you are expressing;
ie, "guilt, anxiety, fear around eating freely"
"being in a diet mode making you feel better"..

I am right now tossing up this very choice;
do I keep my body and its needs on a leash (to avoid weight gain);
or let go, eat to my hunger, and come to terms with potentially weighing more than I want-
and facing the emotional repercussions that will come with this gain, and all the intense feelings and pains that come up .

You say you prefer the former- ie, keeping the body and its needs on a leash;
and this is always the choice I have come to in the past.
But I dont know if it works in the long run- can you do it forever?
and do you end up compromising your metabolism and body functions more and more to do so , and end up digging yourself into a tighter corner, so that eventually it becomes unfeasible/impossible to continue??

I am at the moment working with a balance, allowing to some degree, and restraining some degree.
I know I cant completely restrain, because it is too uncomfortable- my hunger and depletion screams at me! ;
but nor do I want to completely let go, because then I think for sure I will gain weight, and I dont know if I can deal with that , I have already gained some, unwittingly - and dont know if I can tolerate more.

But on the other hand, I am fairly conscious in my eating at this stage, and maybe my weight gain would not be exponential because I havent been in complete restriction/supression mode, nor do I have binging issues;
just needing/desiring to eat more than I currently do, because my hunger seems to dictate that.

Thinking aloud here, trying to work it all out ..
I know the feelings that come up with weight gain can be overwhelming for me , and can put me in a trauma state,(as I have been experiencing in the past weeks),
and I dont know if I want to wittingly choose that, it just seems too overwhelming and painful at times.
And is the weight gain certain anyway- if I truly let go, can it be circumvented somehow?
Theoretically, if I remove all emotional resistances and blocks, the body should come into balance and normalize, and not need to gain weight;
but will a disturbed/disrupted body from years of dieting restraints hinder this, or slow the process so that in the interim- weight gain is inevitable?
And in the time it takes to work on the inner stuff- the emotions, traumas and blocks involved- will I have gained a lot of weight that might end up hanging around?

However, if I am to look at it from a far off viewpoint, my soul seems to be pushing me into the direction of letting go, not restraining:
with the inadvertent weight gain I have experienced,
crisis on other levels in my life breaking down my resistance and control,
and the intuitive mental shift that I had the other day - that restraining the desire to eat was not the the right thing to do
in the situation..

I hope your therapy brings relief and help Mini.
I am sure it will have a bounce off effect on the diet issue too, often our issues have cross-connecting links..

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by C'Marie

Wow, I am so glad this thread exists. I wish I had more time to even consider joining in. I know it would help but I am working many, many hours right now and am so focused on that and the actual protocol that I don't let myself *think* anything right now in order to get through this time period (tax season - I'm a tax accountant).

I will say that I have been wondering when or if I will get to a point where the bad dreams start again as I get thinner. Maybe they won't this time because I have figured it out, in the awake world. I have had repeated issues with that every time I have lost weight. They are very bad and very violent and about rape. I finally realized awhile ago that even though I had forgotten about them and not really consciously connected them to weight loss and not being able to maintain, that I was ready to face them again if need be. I am worth it.

AND A DEVIL EXPOSED IS A DEVIL DEFEATED. I will NOT live in fear. IF G-D be for us, who can stand against us?

Hi C'marie

It is nice to see you here!
It sounds like you and Sue have a similar template on this, with strong fears arising with weight loss.

It sounds like your bad dreams are definitely revealing something deep,
and I like your courage and attitude;
"a devil exposed is a devil defeated ! I will NOT live in fear.."
It is the way to go, though it takes us to the edge at times.

I hope we can all offer you support you in times when you may need it!

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by nola baxter

Hiya

I dont know why I loved the bad guy and not the good! I dont know if its due to some twisted bit of my psyche;
or because I just love the bad guy regardless, for who he is, good or bad.

I have gone through a lot of painful cycles with this man, and now it is not so painful any more- I feel I have cycled out of a lot of it (ie, grown through it and out of it emotionally);
and when I finally told him to go away- a few weeks ago, it was not so painful any more, I felt I took my power in my hands by making that move.
I still have residual feelings for him- I do not know if or when they will go away- but it is not the painful tearing like it was in the past.

In the past I would do as you say-
mentally bounce between the good times and the bad!
I think you just have to let it flow, and accept the all the feelings, good and bad , and gradually they do subside and you can move on.
It is pretty hard and painful to deal with- especially the way it happened in your last relationship.
I do remember how I felt when I more or less found my one crawling out of bed with someone else (and it wasnt even with someone I knew , and we were technically on a "break");
but it was still excruciating.

OKay, so I got my answer in a dream!
I am attracted to the "bad guy" for some wrong reasons,
ie, something twisted in my psyche that attracts me to the wrong men,
something to do with abuse , and needing the abuse because it is in my template, or my conditioning/inner program..

I havent pinned it exactly, except that after writing this last night,
I dreamed of my "bad guy", and in the dream the feeling was clear;
yes, I am still attracted to him,
but - there was a big caution and the feeling that it is not safe to go with this attraction,
his intentions havent changed, and that it is not good for me to be with him,
and that it is the destructive part of me, not the positive, that is attracted to him.

Ouch..double ouch!
How could I still be so screwy..lol

[HCG girl]

I have had trouble dealing with weight my whole life. There is a deep seated emotions in relation to weight and how my mom always told me I was fat. She had one friend that always said how I would be beautiful if I wasnt so fat. Nice right!?? Well, growing up with that didnt help me figure out how to deal with food and emotional eating. My mom is really skinny and never gains weight and my dad gains easily and has always had weight issues. I get my weight problems from his side. I hate that I feel so fat all the time. I try to stay positive and see that I am progressing nicely with my weight loss journey but it is hard. It is nice to see that other people are having issues with emotions and dealing with weight loss/gain. I am doing HCG and I am now down 30 lb. I still have 20lb more to get to my goal weight. I have lost 30lb but nobody has really noticed, that also bugs me. How do you have a dramatic weightloss like that and no one even see's it. Also I havent dropped a size in cloths yet either. That would be a huge motivator for me. Good luck to you all!!

[C'Marie]

HCGgirl, I went a long way down before I changed sizes because I was wearing clothes that had next to no shape. Also people didn't say anything for quite awhile because of the style of clothes I wore covered me, also people are afraid to say something even if they do notice because they're not sure whether it's a positive losing weight because you're working on it or a negative losing weight because you could be sick. Don't let either of those things unmotivate you, girly!

[shelbyla]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

SueQ -- I also found your post very relevant, and thank you for putting that out there so honestly. I've had moments of looking at pictures of myself as a child, and feeling intense grief, or protectiveness, for that little girl --- it is hard to remember that the child in that photo is also the adult woman that I beat up on so mercilessly (emotionally) at times....

Bear with me if you can, ladies! This is a little stream-of-consciousness'esque... )I have just now gotten around to reading all the posts. I have been completely SLAMMED at work the last few days!)

Sue - I too appreciated your post and when you talked about writing letters to yourself, I thought of the pictures that I have of myself as a child. For whatever reason, I have all my school pics from the time I was about 4 (did my parents not want them?). There are some that I like when I was very young but on the whole, I feel an overwhelming sense of hatred and contempt for that girl.

I was a very lonely child, always wanting to please, and always failing. I wasn't heavy as a child (other than that icky hormone surge at 13), but I was very thin (mostly), very homely, very weird, very smart, very unattractive, very unpopular, very shy...a lot of very's there. When I finally outgrew that awkward stage, I had an extreme amount of contempt for those people who thought I was unattractive and I almost defiantly kept--and often highlighted--the "weird" parts of me. The Dungeons & Dragons, the heavy metal, the drinking. And the bad boys.

At the same time, I was desperately trying to make everyone and anyone like me. So I also followed fashion and social trends, kept myself thin, went to college and then grad school, got a conservative job at a conservative company, which I have to this day. And the whole time I was and am still really feeling like a fraud--whether I am hanging out with the boys in the band or my yoga friends or the Hollywood counterculture or the people I work with.

I'm either too straight or too wild. My music is too hard or too soft. My clothes are not cool enough or not as conservative as they should be. My makeup is too much or too little. I am too loud or too quiet. I am too successful or my job isn't glamorous enough. Well you can see where this is going. Nothing is ever QUITE right with me. And WHY not? What IS "right"? I've never fit in. Do I want to??? I think some part of me does. But mostly I want to be admired and successful and loved for who and how and what I am, fat or thin, straightforward or politically correct, Barry Manilow or Avenged Sevenfold, tanktops and blue jeans or evening gowns...

And I apparently needed to get THAT out. Thanks for listening...

[lunagirl704]

Oh Shelby...we would have been great friends! I was the same way. Now, I am trying to help my 7 year old girl who is being rejected by her classmates., turned down for playdates etc. She is sweet and outgoing, a people pleaser. I am having horrible flashbacks to my childhood and teen years...the rejection, pain, feeling fat and the desperate need to change. 7 years of pure misery...that morphed into a raging ED. I'm transferring my insecurities to her. It's all coming back at once. Wow. Anyone btdt?