HCG and food/diet/body issues, working with the inner self.

[minimonkey]

Wow -- today's observations are making me feel defensive, hurt, and angry, so you guys must have hit on something powerful. (That doesn't mean I want you to stop doing it, btw!)

Cheryl has also made the observation that I am rarely "still" -- and there is truth to it.

I think there is a ton of truth to the idea that on some level I feel like I have to keep in motion/action, or I might die -- that doesn't sound too strong, it sounds accurate.

I have to leave this morning shortly, but I will think/feel on these things today.

I have a semester that is keeping me running, frantically, for the next few months, too -- so I couldn't be still in that regard even if I wanted to, without huge consequences.

Love you guys -- I'll check in tonight most likely, or at least tomorrow morning (I get home late tonight, but still usually check the boards.)

[lunagirl704]

Mini- you know I am going through the same thing It's just the worst feeling to diet, deny your body food and have nothing to show for it. I am going to start the rx hcg again next week and just work hard at it and see what happens. We just won't lose as fast as those with more weight to lose. I cannot weigh every day- it drives me crazy to see the fluctuations even though logically i know i did not gain 2 lbs of fat overnight. Your body is trying to catch up...you will start losing again!

[minimonkey]

Hugs, Luna -- we are definitely in the same little boat, and I want out of it! Let's swim for the shore, shall we?

I'm not sure which is worse -- weighing or not weighing -- both have their downfalls.

I'm actually cool with the idea of just waiting out the plateau (see, new word, lol! Plateaus are lovely resting places ) -- but then I do want the ability to keep doing protocol after the scale starts moving again.

If it looks like that is the pattern, I will probably just order some more hcg and do a longer round -- so be it.

Okay, now I am "stalling" about getting out the door -- so off I go!

[minimonkey]

I lied -- one more post...

There's a lot in what Luna said -- suffering and denial with nothing to show for it -- that is the heart of a lot of this.....

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by lunagirl704

Mini- you know I am going through the same thing It's just the worst feeling to diet, deny your body food and have nothing to show for it.

Yes ! Indeed.. Been there a hundred times..
An excruciating feeling- like hitting a brick wall of resistance

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

I lied -- one more post...

There's a lot in what Luna said -- suffering and denial with nothing to show for it -- that is the heart of a lot of this.....

This comes straight to mind

"there is nothing in it for me",
and
"there was nothing in it for me.."

and an core belief about
not being allowed to have anything just for yourself,
(not even your body..your body belongs elsewhere,
you are not allowed to own it, you dont own your own body,
its not under your jurisdiction-
ie, you cant make it lose weight)

Well, this may not be you , but as I am writing it- I see it is fully me!..

[minimonkey]

LOL Nola -- sometimes we are powerful mirrors to ourselves -- and yes, it very much applies. I did some work last night about deserving/not deserving things... it hit very deep. I was trying to process things like I deserve love and forgiveness, I deserve to have pleasure without repercussions -- and everything in me was screaming NO YOU DON'T!

Then I tried the negative -- I did not deserve abuse, I do not deserve to suffer -- and the same inner chorus piped up again, though it wasn't as strong with the negative statements as it was with the positive one.

Along with that whole theme you mentioned, I have an internal script about selfishness, too -- that taking care of myself is selfish, that denying my time/energy/etc. to others is selfish, and that selfish is about the most horrible thing a person can be.

[minimonkey]

Some things are breaking free in my life, if not in the diet arena -- I'm writing, finally, and I think I am finding my authorial voice again despite having been raked over the coals so much -- and that feels good. I meet with my thesis chair tomorrow, and I hope she has some kind -- or at least neutral -- things to say about the last piece I sent her.

I have to say, having myself torn down as a writer was one of the hardest things I have been through to date -- I've always won a lot of praise and even awards for my writing -- and it was a real blow to find a committee of people who had nothing but harsh, harsh criticism for everything I put on paper. I'm proud of myself for rallying and trying yet again, when what I wanted to do was curl up in a ball, cry, and quit.

[SueQ]

I've never defended a thesis before, but my son has observed some and says they are always brutal no matter how good they are. I can't imagine how hard that would be when you have worked so hard.

I have no idea what is going with me body, spirit and mind-wise other than to say that I am wallowing in a big pool of joy and acceptance. The Heal Your Life work has me trying to say affirmations 400 times a day and I walked around all day today saying "I love and approve of myself today. I am perfect, whole and complete". I hummed it, whispered it, said it quietly in rhythm with my steps everywhere I went. I sang love songs to myself in honor of Valentine's Day and meant them. I am on a mission to fall in love with myself and bring maximum joy to my life.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by SueQ

I have no idea what is going with me body, spirit and mind-wise other than to say that I am wallowing in a big pool of joy and acceptance. The Heal Your Life work has me trying to say affirmations 400 times a day and I walked around all day today saying "I love and approve of myself today. I am perfect, whole and complete". I hummed it, whispered it, said it quietly in rhythm with my steps everywhere I went. I sang love songs to myself in honor of Valentine's Day and meant them. I am on a mission to fall in love with myself and bring maximum joy to my life.

I love it.
Nice and gentle..

I have been processing through some heavy stuff over the past few days
and reading your words was soothing.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

LOL Nola -- sometimes we are powerful mirrors to ourselves -- and yes, it very much applies. I did some work last night about deserving/not deserving things... it hit very deep. I was trying to process things like I deserve love and forgiveness, I deserve to have pleasure without repercussions -- and everything in me was screaming NO YOU DON'T!

Then I tried the negative -- I did not deserve abuse, I do not deserve to suffer -- and the same inner chorus piped up again, though it wasn't as strong with the negative statements as it was with the positive one.

Along with that whole theme you mentioned, I have an internal script about selfishness, too -- that taking care of myself is selfish, that denying my time/energy/etc. to others is selfish, and that selfish is about the most horrible thing a person can be.

Yep- "deserving" has been knocking on my door lately.

When people say; "you deserve it"
I think, well, I dont know if I deserve it- but I do know that I want it!
That phrase, "you deserve it" has never sat right with me!

I am glad about your writing- it is a good sign.

[minimonkey]

I think I am going to work with the deserving phrase again tonight, if I have the energy -- if not, I'll take a night off from processing.

I am exhausted on so many levels, but I also feel great after teaching -- tired, but very good

[SueQ]

welllllll.............ok.........last night I went a little nuts in a semi-controlled manner. I was hungry, very very hungry and oh so tired and I ate about 5 oz of macademia nuts and 3 low net carb amberlyn belgian chocolate candy bars! I have never cheated on HCG other than the FF, which was intentional. up 2.2 lbs which wiped out my ff drop and puts me at net .4 lb gain for the week. So all things considered, not a horrible slip but really out of character for me. Makes me wonder about my better moods in relation to eating or if I was sabotaging in some way. I think I am not going to focus on trying to analyze it other than to say it may just be time for this round to be over and I haven't wanted to accept it. Going to do a VLCD and see how I feel at the end of the day.

Last time I started Heal Your Life, I decided to end a P2 as well. At that time, I decided that I was not able to focus accepting myself just as I am when I was dieting and trying to change things. I didn't want that to be true again this time. But maybe it has to do with how long the rounds are and just needing a break.

I am also very aware of my perception about this round that I "have to" stay with it until I hit goal weight. Although the only person saying I "have to" is me.

[nola baxter]

It popped into my mind this morning how my relationship with my good guy from last year represented a facet or a duplicate of the abuse;

Because he was a guy I wasnt particularly attracted to, a part of me was always pulling back in the sexual interaction and not really feeling 100% about it all!
This represented the part of the abuse where you are having sex with someone that it does not feel right to have sex with (in one way or another,
ie, they are a parental figure, you dont like them, you are too young! , you dont want too! and so on).

The other bit of it is where in the abuse,
you somehow feel that something is wrong- though you dont know how to articulate it or explain it;
ie, father has sex with girl, and girl believes father loves her so it must be ok,
but inside of her she feels deeply wrong- or that there is something going on that is wrong.
This is a duplicate of how I felt in that relationship-
on so many levels- this seemed like a man who was loving me, he treated me very well, was not hurting me, and was quite a lot compatible, and so on.
Mentally I was always trying to persuade myself that this was a good man for me. But on a visceral level, I felt things wrong (not sexually attracted and didnt feel I loved him).

So I was going against my visceral feeling of something being wrong,
and staying in the relationship-
duplicating abuse ;
feeling something right (thinking there is love),
feeling something is wrong(abuse, hurt)
Staying in a situation where I was deeply compromised,
and conflicted at a soul level!

This represents that inner feeling and conflict of the twisting of love and abuse,
and where some bits may feel right and loving
and some bits feel deeply wrong and hurtful!!!!
And you really cant work out whats what!

It also highlights the bit about believing and trusting in your own gut feelings
that are telling you there is something wrong in this situation;
over a higher authority, or some other person, who may be telling you that its okay!
In this case , my mind, was telling me it was okay
but my body and gut feeling, was telling me it was not.
I thought my mind should dominate my body...lol

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by SueQ

welllllll.............ok.........last night I went a little nuts in a semi-controlled manner. I was hungry, very very hungry and oh so tired and I ate about 5 oz of macademia nuts and 3 low net carb amberlyn belgian chocolate candy bars! I have never cheated on HCG other than the FF, which was intentional. up 2.2 lbs which wiped out my ff drop and puts me at net .4 lb gain for the week. So all things considered, not a horrible slip but really out of character for me. Makes me wonder about my better moods in relation to eating or if I was sabotaging in some way. I think I am not going to focus on trying to analyze it other than to say it may just be time for this round to be over and I haven't wanted to accept it. Going to do a VLCD and see how I feel at the end of the day.

Last time I started Heal Your Life, I decided to end a P2 as well. At that time, I decided that I was not able to focus accepting myself just as I am when I was dieting and trying to change things. I didn't want that to be true again this time. But maybe it has to do with how long the rounds are and just needing a break.

I am also very aware of my perception about this round that I "have to" stay with it until I hit goal weight. Although the only person saying I "have to" is me.

Maybe the diet does represent some way in which you feel you are forcing yourself?
And because you were saying all those affirmations yesterday about loving and accepting yourself, and being complete and whole as you are;
the eating represented a manifestation of this,
ie ; you accepted yourself in some way by accepting this drive/need to eat -
even though the forcing part of you felt you should not.

[nola baxter]

I did a lot of clearing around fear yesterday.

I have felt like eating a lot more food over the past two days, and because I am allowing my drive and instinct to eat,
I have been allowing it to just flow and not over-analyse or halt it,
ie, do I really need the food,
am I really hungry, I'm going to get fat, etc.
So as I was eating late avo , I was thinking, I am eating over my maintenance,
I am going to get fat;
and up comes this strong sense of fear,
and I get the words in my head; "I am eating my fear"
Anyway, I keep eating until I feel satisfied, all the while observing feelings and thoughts that are coming up;
then I go and start meditating on it.

I felt a lot of fear- around eating making me fat, I have eaten this extra food so i am going to get fat , etc.
And this strong aura of fear.
As I am meditating and saying phrases that come to me in my head;
I am feeling very stuck in the fear, it feels like its not shifting;
then up come impressions and feelings around abuse situations;
lying in bed, fully transfixed, afraid , a figure looming over,
feeling "transfixed with fear"
I was feeling quite stuck in it, stuck in the process, the fear wasnt going away;
then come this phrase, "stuck in the fear"
and then ;
"stuck in the fear that this eating will make me fat"
and " stuck in the fear of being fat"

I lay there and fully felt the fear- my physical body was actual feeling the transfixion, and feeling of immobilization (immobilized by fear),
and I was getting the original feelings around the abuse and some stuff like
afraid to move
afraid to make a sound in case I dont hear him coming
afraid I might here him coming
afraid of whats going to happen
etc.
Finally the fear and constriction released, and I got up to take my son swimming!

Later I did more work on it;
fear of the pain
fear of the hurt
fear of him coming because of the hurt
(this also related to my current situation where I understood my ambivalent feelings around my bad guy at the moment;
I am afraid of him coming- because of the hurt -emotional,
though on some levels I want him to come)

afraid of him coming (literal physical translation- past abuse) because it might hurt!
afraid of the hurting
fear of the hurting

and this one
"sick and tired of all the hurting!"
at which point I realized that this was part of my feeling right now with my bad guy relationship;
"I am sick and tired of all the hurting"
(which may well be the death knell phrase for that relationship?)

There was a whole bunch more stuff that followed on..
Stuff about dominance,
the man needing to dominate, be on top, I had to be on the bottom (physically, psychologically, emotionally)
The need of these men to dominate, and hurt.
Not being allowed to be "on top" and being punished for being on top..(my current man is punishing me at the moment for some ways he felt I was "on top"- I knew a lot about some stuff he has negligible comprehension of)
The man needing you to be in a lesser position for the purposes of feeling his superiority and power over ,and not feeling his insecurity or inferiority complex.

And how in my family, I was never "on top"
I was always in the middle (middle child)
and now I am always in the middle (in relationships- never being made "first" in the relationship, in one way or another;
and by being in the middle- between two other people)
I wasnt allowed to be on the top in my family- tall poppy syndrome- anyone that stuck their head up too far got
promptly crushed!
Fears around being on top, and being hurt for being "on top"-
ie, not allowed to achieve in life, not allowed to be better than someone else..

There was so much there!!

[nola baxter]

I have been becoming aware over this time, of how my body has been manifesting all that is within me,
my emotions, feelings, and thoughts, past traumas and experiences etc..

I have been moving into a more and more "allowing" space ,
as opposed to "controlling".

I was always trying to control my body before, and desperately trying to control those manifestations;
I wanted to hide the things that were within, hide the shame, hide the fear,
hide the guilt, hide the anger, hide the feelings of self-disgust and low self-worth, hide the feelings of being fat or feeling I was fat (lol):
so I would want to control my body to look good externally to try and suppress and negate these inner feelings.

Ironically though ,
a part of me has been working against myself;
because in my not wanting to feel and acknowledge all the inner feelings- shame , feeling bad about myself etc. ;
my body has been unconsciously trying to burythem in fat.

So it becomes a paradox;
I dont want to feel the feelings ,
so sometimes I am driven to eat to avoid feeling them,
and the body unwittingly uses fat as a kind protection against feeling the feelings , to encapsulate them- (storing the feelings in the fat cells of the body),
so then the body gains weight (deserved or undeserved),
but then I am ashamed of my fat- and my fat externally manifests the shame (and bad feelings about myself) ,
that I am trying so hard to suppress.

So it all twists and turns on itself in so many ways;
but yesterday, I decided to consciously allow for the manifestation of all that was within;
ie, I would stop controlling my body externally, and let what was within come out.
It is a mode of accepting fully those feelings and things within, and allowing them to be seen and known ,
and then I can clear them and heal them as I am able!


I realize that in order to actually create permanent change, those feelings that are inside have to come out, and be dealt with;
because they are my internal sabotage,
and all the while they are there;
my self and my body will be unwittingly at war with itself -
working alternately both for and against what I am trying to achieve
(natural unforced leanness!).

I hope I am making some sense here- there are so many dualities and dichotomies in this whole thing that I find it super hard to explain and get it out in a comprehensive form!

Have a nice day everyone

[minimonkey]

Wow -- that is some extremely deep, powerful work you are doing, Nola -- it takes a lot of courage to do that! I applaud you!

I did some more emdr last night, and there were a lot of words and phrases this time (that's unusual for me with emdr)

I do not need to hide my body anymore

I do not need to hide anymore

I do not need to hide IN my body anymore

It is safe to come out of hiding

I don't know quite how I got there -- I started out doing work about deserving -- but it seemed really powerful when it hit.

[SueQ]

Originally Posted by nola baxter

Maybe the diet does represent some way in which you feel you are forcing yourself?
And because you were saying all those affirmations yesterday about loving and accepting yourself, and being complete and whole as you are;
the eating represented a manifestation of this,
ie ; you accepted yourself in some way by accepting this drive/need to eat -
even though the forcing part of you felt you should not.

Dead on, there, Nola. Thank you for that.

[SueQ]

Mini, interesting stuff. I went to an angels workshop a few weeks ago and the spiritual medium gave me an angel message "It is ok to be seen". Similar to your hiding. At the time I didn't completely relate to it, but I'm starting to see how I hide. I don't like to be the center of attention, and when I am I feel like I have to "perform" and be witty, impressive and profound. I don't want to stand out - either from being unattractive or attractive. It is like I want to be secretly beautiful and thin. I stopped wearing makeup when I lost weight, partly because of the HCG but partly I think because people were starting to notice me too much.

Nola, I really relate to the sense that body wants to work against me. The word sabotage keeps coming up. I don't rationally believe my body is working against me, more likely that I am subconsciously sending it mixed messages or opposite messages of what I really want it to do. I'm hoping these affirmations will start to change that on the level in which that stuff operates, because it is really difficult for to me to figure out the place to change that. I am pretty sure it is in my brain somewhere That triune brain.

[SueQ]

Oh and while I'm being a thread hog, Mini, your bit about hiding and mine about performing made me think of your experience with negative feedback on your thesis work. That external validation again that we need approval to show ourselves.

[SueQ]

P.S. I love you guys

[minimonkey]

Well, today's meeting with my thesis chair went quite well - so I am feeling a lot of relief on that front. Now all I have to do is write, write, write -- but she liked what I have written on the new topic so far, and I am genuinely excited about my topic, too -- so I am over a major hurdle. I hope there won't be any more tearful breakdowns from here on in, at least with the thesis part of things.

I seriously wanted to dump a cup of coffee over my dude's head this morning, though -- he "half-listens" to me a lot of the time (and then blames it on being hard of hearing, which he is... but that isn't the problem with the tuning out) -- and this morning, he wanted to read my new draft -- so I let him.

Seriously, he started asking about things I have been talking about for months now -- and the subject of my crying breakdown last week -- it was so clear that he has been almost completely absent from the conversations we've had... it was really frustrating.

I don't need him to be involved with my thesis writing -- if he doesn't want to be, that's fine. But, what bothers me is him asking to be involved and kept in the loop, and then not paying a darn bit of attention when I try to talk to him about it.

My roommate was present for this morning's exchange, and she was so angry about his response that she literally had to leave the room. I walked out into the kitchen, and she looked at me, shook her head, and said "what the....." -- where HAS he been?

[minimonkey]

It's funny about the hiding, Sue -- I am a pretty introverted, private person -- but I have a public persona that does draw a lot of attention to me. The dreads, the funky clothes, the witty personality, etc. -- those actually serve to hide me.

Crikey -- we just had an earthquake. I am going to get out of this ancient building now -- later, loves~

[SueQ]

Yikes, Mini, I hope you are safe!

[minimonkey]

Thanks, Sue -- turned out to be a small quake, but since I was on the 5th floor of an old building, I felt it quite a bit -- and you never know when a little quake might be a foreshock.

Seems fine now, though ... nothing since, and that was several hours ago.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

It's funny about the hiding, Sue -- I am a pretty introverted, private person -- but I have a public persona that does draw a lot of attention to me. The dreads, the funky clothes, the witty personality, etc. -- those actually serve to hide me.

Crikey -- we just had an earthquake. I am going to get out of this ancient building now -- later, loves~

Introverted here too!

And I always going into hiding when I am hurt or needing to deal with something,
or withdraw and hideout when I am hurt!
Its one of my defences.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by minimonkey

Well, today's meeting with my thesis chair went quite well - so I am feeling a lot of relief on that front. Now all I have to do is write, write, write -- but she liked what I have written on the new topic so far, and I am genuinely excited about my topic, too -- so I am over a major hurdle. I hope there won't be any more tearful breakdowns from here on in, at least with the thesis part of things.

I seriously wanted to dump a cup of coffee over my dude's head this morning, though -- he "half-listens" to me a lot of the time (and then blames it on being hard of hearing, which he is... but that isn't the problem with the tuning out) -- and this morning, he wanted to read my new draft -- so I let him.

Seriously, he started asking about things I have been talking about for months now -- and the subject of my crying breakdown last week -- it was so clear that he has been almost completely absent from the conversations we've had... it was really frustrating.

I don't need him to be involved with my thesis writing -- if he doesn't want to be, that's fine. But, what bothers me is him asking to be involved and kept in the loop, and then not paying a darn bit of attention when I try to talk to him about it.

My roommate was present for this morning's exchange, and she was so angry about his response that she literally had to leave the room. I walked out into the kitchen, and she looked at me, shook her head, and said "what the....." -- where HAS he been?

To be so not hearing you , he obviously has a strong agenda not to "hear" you!
Something to do with his own inner programs about not being able to deal with and hear womens pain, so he just blocks it , tunes it out?
Doesnt feel he can deal with it so blocks it out.
He cant deal with you so he blocks you out?

I have to say though, I have had a bit of stuff coming up around people-
and in particular men;
" never hearing me" and "not listening to me";
they do not see or hear who I am.
There was a facet of the abuse that create this sounding board within me;
ie, "he didnt hear me and he didnt see me"-
he was just relentlessly pounding out his frustrations, I was just a faceless tool in more than one sense.

And the other side of it;
my needs and voice were never heard,
or allowed to be made heard ,
in those situations.

Umm ,yes maybe you should have dumped that coffee over his head! Woken him up a bit!
Sounds like he is trying to go a bit unconscious about it all.

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by SueQ

Mini, interesting stuff. I went to an angels workshop a few weeks ago and the spiritual medium gave me an angel message "It is ok to be seen". Similar to your hiding. At the time I didn't completely relate to it, but I'm starting to see how I hide. I don't like to be the center of attention, and when I am I feel like I have to "perform" and be witty, impressive and profound. I don't want to stand out - either from being unattractive or attractive. It is like I want to be secretly beautiful and thin. I stopped wearing makeup when I lost weight, partly because of the HCG but partly I think because people were starting to notice me too much.

Nola, I really relate to the sense that body wants to work against me. The word sabotage keeps coming up. I don't rationally believe my body is working against me, more likely that I am subconsciously sending it mixed messages or opposite messages of what I really want it to do. I'm hoping these affirmations will start to change that on the level in which that stuff operates, because it is really difficult for to me to figure out the place to change that. I am pretty sure it is in my brain somewhere That triune brain.

Hi Sue

From what I have seen , I have a massive bunch of mixed internal messages within myself,
and my poor body has been unable to to translate them into one coherent pattern or understanding.
It doesnt know if it is coming or going (literally, as in the sense of gaining or
losing weight...lol).

I am wondering if the affirmations will straighten it out for you. Maybe if the load of affirmations is strong enough to overpower and dislodge the other messages?
Otherwise I guess you would have to root out and clear the underlying sabotages.

My sabotages seem to have come from my less-than-positive experiences,
and take the form of negative thoughts and feelings about myself that are contrary to what I want to manifest!
These underlying feelings and thoughts are usually deep, not conscious!
But then I am sure you know all this stuff..

"Its okay to be seen"
and its okay for your body to be seen? (not hidden under a layer of fat)

[nola baxter]

Originally Posted by SueQ

P.S. I love you guys