~*~BiPolar Folks~*~

[Houston Heather]

I figured out I'm allergic to lysol... so I got some hydrocortisone cream at the dollar store. I had another accident today in the garden, couldn't have avoided it considering, a little blood offering to the soil fertility gods.

For a Christian, I can be a bit pagan with regards to my garden!

Got my ass kicked with a nasty depression (kind of the irritated/hopeless version) so I ate something and took an extra lithium. I got my compost, but I can't spread it 'till my finger's better.

Oh, it'll teach me patience, I guess.

I'm with you DJ - hell is being off my pills and I have the occasional nightmare along those lines "I can't find my pills, I'm going to go nuts!" Horrible.

[djalomo]

Seriously, I know I keep saying "OMG I feel soooo normal today!" But I woke up Saturday feeling a way I haven't felt in maybe 7 years or so. I thought the last couple of weeks had some good moments, but Saturday and yesterday I was like WOW. THIS is what it felt like before when I stable.

Tuesday morning I went for a jog and I haven't done this in years. I've been jogging in the afternoon because I was loathing waking up in the morning to just get going. Yesterday I woke up optimistic and was like 'hey! why don't i go ahead and get out of bed and do something?" It's amazing.

[Houston Heather]

Awesome, that's how it SHOULD be.

I can't sleep in anymore. I have to get up, it's funny.

[faithgirl]

I am so freaking mad at my RX insurance program. Actually at my insurance program in general. Last year when we had to choose what to do, they made the program I have been in seem the same, except, out of the goodness of their hearts, I suppose, they made generics free. Yippee! I thought. And I have had several generics free this year. So when I went to pdoc today, he adds Topomax for my migraines so I can quit using the ibuprofen and also to help with mood stabilization, so like a good girl, I ask for generic. I get to the pharmacy and it gets rejected becuase the RX program wants the doctor to call them and approve it. HUH? You got the freaking RX in front of you!! And it can take up to a week to get this through! I had researched this drug before and for 50 mg, 60 tablets, on drugstore.com, it was only $39.99. So i ask how much it is so I can just cash pay. She says $120! I call around and sure enough, this runs from the 120, to $357!! for generic! Screw it! I am pushing them to get this through so I can get it, but the kicker is, even if they talk to the doctor and he says oh, yes, she needs it, they can still say too bad, so sad, we aren't gonna let her have it. How screwed up is that?? So now I have to wait becuase apparently they don't give out samples of the name brand topomax either. If they refuse to give it to me, I will get it from drugstore.com, but that is an addiditonal week to wait. None of my medical coverage is as good as it was before. I had a heart scan thingy 1 1/2 yearsd ago-it cost me $25.00. Had one in June-It costs nearly $200.

Also, since the uh, problem, has cleared up, and I went back on Abilify myself, it has not reappeared, so we are going to continue with it. I was feeling pretty good before I had to stop it, so I am praying it will really get going here quickly.

My stupid car cost me another $150. I know it could be worse...and we are going on the 3rd night with no air conditioner. It is 101 outside today. i do not want to know how hot it is inside. We have fans going and windows open and it helps some, but very little. I am one cranky woman tonight! Oh, and those home warranties they push on you when you buy a house? USELESS!!! I have yet to get them to pay for anything. The stupid woman is telling me it may be next week before they can get someone out here. I said, 3 times, it is over 100 degrees! Well, it will still be next week. I wanted to yank her through the phone so she could see what if feels like to be in a mobile home when the temp is over 100! I had to call out my own person to do it and pray it isn't too expensive.

I am so stressed right now! i need to go take a cold shower. Maybe I will sleep in the tub in and inch or two of cold water...

[faithgirl]

Originally Posted by djalomo

Ahh. See I'm cool with being on meds forever. It took a few months but Lamictal has given me my life back. I don't ever want to feel that horrendous soul-crushing depression again. Ever. It was hands-down the worst feeling I've ever felt and I've witnessed some tragedies in my lifetime, and those weren't even close. Bipo out of control was ruining my life.

I was so depressed I thought about taking a 2nd and 3rd job to make life pass faster till I die.

I know exactly what you are saying and I never thought that *I* would say that. This past week has been sheer hell and I don;t ever want to go off meds, ever again.

Oh, I am going to start seeing a therapist. I asked my pdoc, how do I know if something is going to pass, or if I should head to the hospital? I have had so much anguish, and being the drama queen that I am when it comes to my mental stuff, I just cannot figure it out. So he wants me to see a therapist so we can come up with strategies to deal with this and know when it's time to head to the hospital.

[CurveControl]

Faith~ I have had 2 meds 'permanently' approved because they are not on the formulary and I had to jump through hoops (as did my doctors) Levaquin (antibiotic for my chronic sinus infections) and taking 20 mg of Ambien at bedtime (max dose is 10 mg)
It was a pain but beats the heck out of having to have it 'approved' every month.

I have not had great success with therapy. Probably because I do not have a 'goal for therapy' They are big on goals.
My goals are to get through each day w/o a melt down. They do not help with that! I get SO tired of being told that I 'take on too much' and that I need to 'delegate' some of the more stressful things in my world.
Um, I am my parent's guardian. (along w/ my brother who isn't all that helpful) To WHOM do I delegate that? My Kids? My hubbies stress at work that has him torn up? Where do you put that? Who is volunteering to accept some of the weight I feel about those things? Ugh.
Plus On top of all of that adding in a therapy appt that I have to remember (I have a hard time with memory, especially appointments and dates) and drive 20 minutes, sit for an hour and drive 20 min home at $20 (I know it isn't as much as many pay, But I resent it) It ADDS to my stress. How can that be good?

I was snowbound one time last year and missed a therapy appt, Then one day I took DH to ER (we thought he was having a stroke) I called and let them know I would not make it both times, but I was charged $60 for not giving 48 hours notice, No Thanks. I was pissed.

[Houston Heather]

Kathleen, it could be worse. I have no insurance at all!

Molly, I know all about caregiver burnout. So many fantasies of just running away. If I could take my garden with me I'd do it in a second.

[faithgirl]

We did get the Topomax approved and I took it about 1 1/2 hours ago. I feel a little sleepy is all so far. I will be so thrilled if it really does cut down on the migraines, and losing weight would be a huge bonus.

I think therapy might be good at this point, providing I can hit it off with the therapist. There are so many thing I need to work on, the top one would be finding a new job. Which reminds me, I need to make that call.

It probably sounds dumb, but I don't know when to go to the hospital, if at all. My paranoia tells me I am making all this up to begin with. I tell myself I would never hurt myself, but I've been known to lie to myself before. And what would they do for me anyway? No way am I getting locked up somehwere! We have this weird hospital that has a mental ward-it was built in the '20's I think and has not been updated one bit. All the staff even wear white still! There are also other rooms for regular patients and an OR. But taking that long walk down that long coridor and seeing that locked door that says mental ward is not the least bit comforting. My imagination runs wild when I think of what the mentally ill have suffered there, and probably still are suffering there. (I've been there to visit people in the regular side of the hospital).

[CurveControl]

FG, It takes a LOT and then some for 'them' to lock you up. Even if you go to the hospital ER, You will not be put in without power to leave unless you are very very uncontrollable/psychotic/catatonic.

[djalomo]

I am running so so so so soooo hypo today.

[CurveControl]

getting a lot done?

some days when I get really busy I start to feel a bit hypo. I don't mind hypo, I don't like hypomixed.

[djalomo]

Originally Posted by CurveControl

getting a lot done?

some days when I get really busy I start to feel a bit hypo. I don't mind hypo, I don't like hypomixed.

LOL yes!! I'm a little mixed, I think. I keep having these positive and then quickly negative thoughts. Like I'll have a good idea and immediately shut it down in my brain. This used to happen when I was on Adderal. Hopefully it goes away soon.

But I'll take this over really, really bad mixed any day of the week!

[Houston Heather]

I cut out the Lexapro because of my rash. Mood's good, a little hyper if anything.

Kath, for me, it's when I know I will hurt myself. I am obsessed with it. There's a suicide overpass not far from my home, a few miles. There's a good 60 foot drop, and then when you hit, it's a freeway. It does the job.

I asked for help when it was taking everything I had to KEEP from walking to the overpass and jumping, and I knew I was getting more and more desperate to end the pain. The Bipolar Survival Guide goes into this, though.

In my experience, I knew, without help, I would end my life the two times I asked for help.

I have to ride a shared ride public transit service due to both of us being disabled.

I rode with a horrible, manic woman today. So incredibly offensive! Rather than kill her or curse her out (both of which I'm sure she wanted), I turned up my music very very loud. I could hear her even with the volume at "Max". Shouting at the driver, at my husband, at me, at the other client. Making up lies about us and asking incredibly intrusive questions. I asked her to please stay out of our business and she refused, and got very angry at me for "disrespecting" her. That's when I turned on my music!

Oh. My. God. When she got off, Ron said "She's manic" I was so afraid that ANYONE would see me like that! I took another lithium.

After we got off the driver "called in" on her. Ron called in a compliment on the driver when we got home. Enjoying the newfound peace and camradierie that comes from surviving a horrible experience, the driver, client, and I all had a nice chat on the way home.

[faithgirl]

Hey.

Just stopped into say hey.

So, um, hey.

[djalomo]

Me stopping in too!

Y'all - I'm so intrigued by how crazy people like each other. LOL. I went on an absolutely AMAZING first date last night and yep...at the end of the night we're sharing secrets and we're both BiPo II. He takes Abilify and I'm on Lamictal. LOL. How bizarre - seriously, I feel drawn to other people who are mentally interesting without even knowing it.

Abilify must seriously be metabolized in a way that produces pheremones, that's really the only logical explanation here.

[faithgirl]

How do you know it's not the lamictal?

[djalomo]

Originally Posted by faithgirl

How do you know it's not the lamictal?

GOOD POINT.

[Houston Heather]

I had some Lexapro (anti-d) excitement. I am violently allergic now. Hideous, horrible, ITCHY hives.

I stopped it a couple days ago, I was on a minimal dose anyway. I feel clearer, but still itchy. I did call my doc and tell him.

If he wants me to have an antidepressant, I am willing to fill a prescription for a generic one without the hives, and take it if I need it.

However, the Lithium's always done the heavy lifting on my depressions.

SO ITCHY! It could take a couple weeks to resolve.

[CurveControl]

Originally Posted by Houston Heather

I had some Lexapro (anti-d) excitement. I am violently allergic now. Hideous, horrible, ITCHY hives.

I stopped it a couple days ago, I was on a minimal dose anyway. I feel clearer, but still itchy. I did call my doc and tell him.

If he wants me to have an antidepressant, I am willing to fill a prescription for a generic one without the hives, and take it if I need it.

However, the Lithium's always done the heavy lifting on my depressions.

SO ITCHY! It could take a couple weeks to resolve.

[Houston Heather]

ITCHY!!!!

[faithgirl]

Originally Posted by Houston Heather

ITCHY!!!!

Awww!

[Houston Heather]

[whimper]

Ron is good at telling me a poor baby. I make it easy.

"[love name], tell me I'm a poor baby!"

"Awww, poor Heather, let me give you a hug. You're a poor baby!"

Communication is ALL.

[CurveControl]

are you taking benadry or using calamine? I itch w/o hive from opiates so calamine isn't helpful, but beadryl is.

[Houston Heather]

Benadryl.

Benadryl cream, too.

Very groggy and pretty miserable. Really bad on my legs, some on my arms, a few hives on my torso, too.

AGH.

[CurveControl]

You should not do both. Either oral OR cream. If you do oral use calamine.

Benadryl is most effective at 25-50 mg every 4-6 hours. More is wasted drug.
No more than 300 mg a day, including what you take and what is absorbed through the skin.

[Houston Heather]

Oh, if I took too much I'd get a nasty mania.

Spraying 70% rubbing alcohol on my skin - probably a bad idea but it helps. I console myself with the thought that soon this will all be a horrible memory.

I'm getting a lexapro withdrawal headache so I'm happy about that - my system is clearing out. Mood is awesome considering.

[faithgirl]

Wow Heather it sounds like you've got it bad! No advice, I haven't had any allergies like that since I was a kid and back then my mom put calamine lotion on it. I did get an RX for something but don't know what. Hope you geel better soon.

[Houston Heather]

Thank you!

It reminds me of chickenpox. Except it's only arms and legs.

But, like the label says, I stopped it and called my doc. I will never take healthy skin for granted again!

A pretty nasty headache, too. I am drinking some herbal detox tea (not the laxative stuff), and that should help my liver bounce all the Lexapro out of my system.

[faithgirl]

I'm having my own drug woe's. I got the Topomax and the next morning I woke up crying. I don't mean I woke up and started crying, but that I woke up crying. Have been very weepy every since. I have tried to stick it out, but I am done. The unknown fear is back and Klonopin is doing nothing to help. I took a Benadryl and sure enough it took all the misery away. Interestingly enough, I did not get the stupids from the Topomax-I already got that from the Abilify. It almost seemed to help that part of it. Not enough to get me to stick with it though. I think I really like Abilify though.


I have something even more important-the cutie in my avi is my 8 year old nephew who is speech delayed, and can't seem to express himself correctly and has been in special ed since he was 3. He's way behind in reading and writing and his social skills are not that good. At 4 he was evaluated by the school system pshychologist and he was found to be above average intelligence. The pictures he drew showed details that other kids his age would not have thought to put in them. He has always been extremely sensitive and intuitive and also comes up with thoughts that you think a kid his age and with his problems wouldn't think of.

Anyway, at the end of last school year they evaluated him like they do all California school kids and we just got the results and it just brought me to tears. They practically have him at the lowest level possible! This is a bright kid! I am so angry!

The reason I am really bringing this up is that he reminds me so much of myself at that age. I mean, I was never in special ed and my speech was fine, but I had this constant imagination as a child. This kid talks to himself constantly, making up stories about himself and his toys and I did the very same thing, except in my family, I was never alluwed to do it out loud or I would have been ridiculed. He is hypersensitive, and has outbursts of anger and rage. I just see me in him and I wonder about the bipolar. I am not in a rush to have him diagnosed bipolar, because it would be a terrible thing to have him diagnosed incorrectly. Or what I mean to say is, I would hate to go in somewhere with this in mind and be pushing for it, you know? I have NOT said a word to my sister. I do not want to freak her out.

Where I live, I doubt there is even a child psychiatrist at all. I don't know. I don't want him marked for the rest of his life as someone with no potential when he has so much going for him. It just hurts so much and I can't believe he scored so low. Any advice? When do you all think you were REALLY bipolar? I think at the very least I was 16, but it's possible I was 7-8.

[faithgirl]

Originally Posted by Houston Heather

Thank you!

It reminds me of chickenpox. Except it's only arms and legs.

But, like the label says, I stopped it and called my doc. I will never take healthy skin for granted again!

A pretty nasty headache, too. I am drinking some herbal detox tea (not the laxative stuff), and that should help my liver bounce all the Lexapro out of my system.

What is the herbal detox tea? Does it really get meds out of your system quicker?