~*~BiPolar Folks~*~

[faithgirl]

New drugs can be a worry-I think I forgot to mention that on crazymeds, they mentioned that Abilify was too new of a drug to have much input, but that there were a couple of complaints about perforated bowels or intestines or something like that. I'm glad they are creating these new drugs and hopefully they will the answers to a lot of peoples prayers, but you always have to wonder about what hasn't been discovered about them yet.

[Houston Heather]

Yesss, my children, lithium IS GOOD! (Imagine me with a Gollum voice) It is the precious!

My doc called and said my blood test results (regular blood panel, triglycerides, lithium level) were all great!

One nice thing about the lithium, they have regular (fast release) capsules full of powder, and they have slow release, coated tablets if you need something more gradual.

I have, in my arsenal, 150 mg quick release (for mood swings), and the 300 mg extended release (for AM and PM dosing). I can get away with smaller doses due to the Fetal Alcohol, I think.

[faithgirl]

Originally Posted by Houston Heather

Yesss, my children, lithium IS GOOD! (Imagine me with a Gollum voice) It is the precious!

My doc called and said my blood test results (regular blood panel, triglycerides, lithium level) were all great!

One nice thing about the lithium, they have regular (fast release) capsules full of powder, and they have slow release, coated tablets if you need something more gradual.

I have, in my arsenal, 150 mg quick release (for mood swings), and the 300 mg extended release (for AM and PM dosing). I can get away with smaller doses due to the Fetal Alcohol, I think.

preeeeecious!!!!

In all seriousness, is it used for someone who is only occasionally manic? My pdoc is kind of focused on my paranoia. I don't think it's that serious, but that's why he wanted my on the Abilify aka Astupify.

[faithgirl]

Here's something I am curious about: Who knows you are bipolar? How many have you told?

I want you all to know you are my heros for being so open about bipolar. I doubt I would have gone to a pdoc if I hadn't been reading about your personal experiences and the articles you all have posted. There is so much stigma associated with this condition that there's no way I can tell just anyone about it. Someday I would love to be as open as you all are. Right now I cannot. I hear people at work refer to someone that acts abnormal as bipolar, or things that are bipolar or whatever and there's no way I would tell them I am really bipolar, and not their stupid ideas of bipolar. They would talk crap about me if they really knew. You know?

So, who have you told, and when did you tell them?

I have a friend at work that I have shared a lot with. He was the pastor of my sister's church and he did my mom's funeral service and since then we have delved into spiritual things. I feel like I want to tell him. I think my reasons are, I work closely with him and if I am having an off day, he will understand why, and also becuase since we are discussing spiritual things, I wonder if he has any insight about these things. But also, I could use prayer sometimes, especially now while I am struggling so.

I don't think he will have a negative reaction, but if he did, it would devastate me. But i really don't think he would be negative about it. I hope not anyway.

[djalomo]

I tell everyone. I don't really go into detail unless somebody asks but I'm pretty open about it. I've had a few negative reactions but I just deal with it as it comes. The last one was that guy I posted about before. But occasionally I'll get well-inentioned friends/family tell me medication is not the answer. That's the point where I trail off because there's no use arguing.

Actually, my family has been the LEAST supportive in this whole ordeal. I don't tell them much anymore, they think I'm making it up or that it happened becaue I moved away and work too hard and live on my own (I'm the only one who left home at 18.) They don't get that living with them is WORSE than living hours away by myself. So I just don't talk about it.

[faithgirl]

Even at work? I could never be that free at work becuase of the hateful people there, but I don't care that much becuase they aren't important to me.

I think my friend will be fine with it. He was a pastor after all, and I'm sure he has heard much worse by people that do crazy things. I am crazy by no fault of my own. And I would not go into details unless it concerned something we were discussing anyway. I doubt I would do that with anyone unless, they showed a genuine interest.

I'm worried about next week-it is going to be stressful and my attitude yesterday was CRAP. But two of the big bosses will be at our other facility and they love me, so if anyone gives me trouble, I can call them. I just hope I don't freak out and walk out. I get to that level of frustration pretty easily with no meds.

Anyway, I brought all this up, becuase I really have admired you all for some time now. Being so open about it and all.

[djalomo]

My boss knows - I try and keep her in the know in case I need a day off here and there from having a med reaction. She was a therapist before she did what I do. She didn't work with meds but she knows bipo isn't something that can really be managed without medication.

A few of my coworkers know. One of them has a history of being a backstabber to me but she has epilepsy and depression and takes Lamictal for it too and it helped her depression, kind of a kill-two-birds-with-one-stone thing. I can't stand her but her making fun of me about it would be a low-blow even for her, and if she does I'm going to start keeping a strobe light at my desk.

My junior designer knows too, but she's actually really really cool and it's so common for designers to have psych issues so she's really seen worse. If I ever go on a date with antoher person in the creative industry it actually ususally becomes a topic of conversation LOL. I went out with an awesome guy recently but he has borderline personality disorder and has been diagnosed but does nothing about it. He's crazy successful but I dunno...he was great but I think I only saw him in his 'up' phases. A lot of creatives don't do anything for their issues because they're afraid their creativity will be affected.

Honestly, at first mine felt like it was slipping, but it's back. I WILL say that I don't have the constant urge to create like I did before, but I honestly didn't like the way I felt at those moments anyway. When I was most creative I felt this constant urge to cut paper (it was weird) so I started collaging a lot. But I felt driven to just cut paper for hours. It felt good. If I stopped I started pacing in circles and felt tormented in some way. I spent hours slicing cardboard with a knife then cutting paper. I felt the urge to do something repetative constantly. I don't care how great my work was...it's just soo worth the trade-off for me.

[Houston Heather]

I was a real mess by the time I was diagnosed, Kath. I went from occasional mild manias in my teens, to horrible mixed episodes and rapid cycling.
So for me, the precious helps with:
Mixed episodes
Rapid cycling (at least monthly)
Suicidal depressions
Extreme manias

I tell everyone about my illness. Some people get wierd. I'd rather they get wierd up front and get the hell out of my life. Someone on facebook chided me for talking about side effects, and I told him "I am making huge sacrifices to be a good freind/wife/citizen, so I'm going to whine when I feel like it". If he keeps acting like a butt, I will "unfreind" him. I have BIPOLAR right up there on my blogs, facebook, etc. If I had an interview, I would mention it, along with the story of how my sister didn't believe me until I showed her my medication, emphasis on my diligence in taking my pills.

I'm glad I do tell everyone, I can do a lot of education. I was able to refer a driver to my doc, for her daughter. She continues to thank me everytime we meet. Other people, I just explain how important it is to find a good med, and stay on it. Someone at work came to me and said "So and so just found out she is bipolar. She is acting like everyone is out to get her - is that normal?" I told a few stories about what I'd dealt with and said "She'll be fine, if she lets her doctor know. They have medication to help with that and I take it myself."

It was obvious I was VERY F-ed up before my diagnosis, I really felt at first everyone deserved an explanation, apology, and the reassurance that I would NEVER get that way again. Now, I can occasionally act stoned or hyper, so I would rather explain before it becomes an issue.

Most telling, my family take my calls instead of letting them go to voicemail!

DJ, I almost peed myself over the strobe light!

[faithgirl]

I was cracking up over the strobe light thing too! You go girl!



If you two and Molly had not been so open, I would never have gone to the psychiatrist. And I would never have gone to the second one either, if you all hadn't been describing some of your own problems with docs. I would have freaked and never gone back. Even after my short time on abilify, I could see a huge difference and I want back on something asap. It may just be withdrawals, but I hate the way I am feeling.

Heather, do you get the paranoids? My doctor has brought it up both visits, and it kind of irked me becuase I don't think it's that bad. Well, you know what? Now that I am off meds, It IS that bad! I get it from my dad. He is extrememly paranoid and fearful of what might happen in any given situation. Along with my paranoia, comes a boat load of fear. On meds, I noticed I just didn't have the random fears all that much. The paranoia had dropped off, too, but it was still there somewhat.

I have been doing some reading and seeing in myself, things I had taken for granted were normal. It's not and it's weird finally seeing things for what they are.

DJ-I am a writer, or at least I am supposed to be one. Honestly, the horrid, constant depression stopped me from writing. Guess what? I am writing again. Even while on the antidepressants that weren't working for me and were making me feel worse, I was writing. I am thinking that being medicated is going to do what I thought was impossible-get me writing again.

[faithgirl]

Can someone describe rapid cycling? What it really feels like? Heather, are you the only one that experiences them? I am kind of wondering about them...

[Houston Heather]

OK, big time paranoia, odd thoughts - I was once convinced I was the "real mother" of someone even though I've never had children... it was completely illogical and scared the crap out of me. That's a classic delusion. I was also convinced I was the most entertaining and interesting person around - grandiosity. I was also convinced disaster was imminent - I wanted to build a radiation fallout shelter in the hall in the center of our house. It would have walls of bottled food and water. Another delusion, but the worst and most persistent ones. Sometimes I would wake up and think "I'm going to die today". Nothing could convince me otherwise.

I will literally flip from mania to depression within a day or two, and I flip pretty often. General rule 1-2 weeks of mania, a couple of normal days, generally 2 weeks depression. When disaster strikes I tend to immediately go manic. When Frosty (my baby-cat) died, I was depressed for over a month - remarkable, really.

I have been told by a mental health professional, when I was mixed, that he could literally see me go from manic to depressed within a minute's time frame. At the time, I was too out of it to notice.

[faithgirl]

See, i don't have paranoia like that. I get angry and I think someone has said something about me at work. Or that their plotting something. Or something bad is going to happen to a family member. I'm pretty sure these things are true at the time, but I also, a lot of times realize I may be blowing things out of proportion. Most stuff happens when I am angry, but not always. And I am always trying to second guess what someone is thinking. They MUST be thinking something bad about me and talking about me so I will not be nice to them because of that.

I just got notification that they are not going to pay me for the 3 weeks my doctor insisted I take off in June. My doctor's notes said I was alert and in no distress. Serisouly? When he asked me what was happening at work, all I could do was open my mouth-I couldn't even get any words out to describe how horrible it was. He asked me how the meds were and I said that occasionally it seemed like they were trying to work, like when I was at work and not being tormented. His exact words to me were, well then I have no choice, I have to take you off work. I reluctantly agreed. I was terrified of the retribution that was going to occur when I got back to work. I refused 2 times before this to allow him to take me off of work. The week before this I was ready to ask him to hospitalize me. (He didn't know that part, I never brought it up).

This is my primary, not pdoc. I know him and he most likely got confused when he did his patient notes-I know he does them at the end of the day becuase I have been his last paitent and seen him in his office doing that. I also know he would not hand out drugs like Klonopin to just anyone-he was very concerned that I not take it too frequently. So if I was in no distress, why would he have prescribed it? Sometimes I feel like I need to hurt myself before they take me seriously. And it's not the money, so much as dammit, I want someone to believe me! (more paranoia here as no one has NOT believed me).

[Houston Heather]

Sadly, you won't get much luck. We're ONLY crazy.

I have been told I do not have a legitimate disability, because I am good at hiding my bipolar symptoms, and I'm too verbal to have "real" brain damage. If I drooled and acted like a zombie, they'd believe me I guess. People can be real *****s.

I haven't encountered really anyone, non family, who took my illness/disability seriously and believed I was that deeply damaged. They're willing to believe I am "off" but I hear all the time that I could drive, why don't I?

Because I like breathing on my own! They refuse to believe I am simply incapable of processing the information needed in order to drive safely.

My sister in law, in particular, was very cruel to me. They were willing to call me crazy and gossip hatefully, but when it came to giving me a small amount of compassion and understanding because of it? And the brain damage, which is documented? Forget it. I was just "faking" in their words.

Very, very, hurtful. I am so glad my husband broke off contact with them, they were toxic.

Sorry to vent all over you, but yes, I can relate, it sucks, but society refuses to give mental illness the credit it deserves. We don't get credit for working our asses off and making sacrifices to manage our illness. We often don't get compassion, empathy, or understanding when we have breakthrough symptoms and need a little TLC.

But if you'd gone to work sick and shot the place up, mental illness would be the first thing they'd bring up.

[faithgirl]

Thanks Heather. It's just so frustrating! If I'd have contintued at work I would ahve had a seriosuos breakdown. I am sure I would have walked off the job. This sucks. i have no desire to share this with family, other than my sister and aunt. They don't need to know. They would do like yours did-talk crap about me and make fun of me. The irony is that they are all crazier than I am. They would totally say I was faking it. in fact, i still feel like I AM faking it, becuase I know what they and others would say. I hope to be open about this someday, but for now I know I won't be.

[Houston Heather]

The only "faking" I do helps me "pass" for "normal"!

My family already knew I was ill, in fact when I told my aunt "They say I'm bipolar" she was quiet for a second. Then she goes:

"I THOUGHT SO!"

AWWWWWWWW.

[djalomo]

Heather - thank you so much for the tip about the Mucinex I picked some up today for the next time I'm feeling bad. I started my z-pac yesterday and I woke up feeling soooo much better today.

I had such an awesome, relaxing day today doing things I USED to enjoy. I treated myself to a few sales and bought a couple of "date dresses" hahaha. I probably won't be using them on actual dates soon but I have 2 parties coming up in September and I'm determined to ROCK them.

I hadn't had a day like this in YEARS. OMG so relaxed and happy. I went to the Bare Escentuals store and actually interacted with the girls there. We were all laughing and telling jokes while they put eyeshadow on me. The past few years I woulda walked in, not made eye contact, been borderline rude/all business and left. I can't believe how I've gotten my life back. On the way home I put on my fave relaxing tunes and I'm relaxing watching The Sopranos and loving life again.

No weird racing thoughts, no grandiose/supreme feelings where I hate everyone around me LOL, no OMG-I-must-buy-everything-at-the-mall. Haha. Greatness.

[faithgirl]

Heather, I've been faking it for close to 30 years. i highly suspect I was bipolar at 16. Could even have been earlier. I knew something was wrong with me, but I just thought I was some kind of freak, so I did all I could to hide it. Of course, most in my family have some kind of mood disturbance, at the very least we have anger issues, so I didn;t think a lot of it. I don't want to have to fake it anymore.

DJ-I know what you are saying. When on Abilify, I could just carry on a normal conversation, I am happy and I can joke with people without being mean or being paranoid that they mean something else. I went to look at cars a week and ahlaf ago and eveytime the salesman gave me a line of crap, I just gave it back to him, but in a nice, funny, joking way. I believe that is called banter, eh? Not something I would normally be able to handle. Normally I avoid people at all costs and hide myself away. I do not initiate conversations. Going through withdrawals, yesterday I was hateful to someone in management-I didn't care. He will tell on me mostl likely and I could care less. I hate being this way.

[faithgirl]

Uhg. 3:30 and awake again. I thought since I was off the other meds I would sleep well. NO chance of thet is seems.

[Houston Heather]

Today I noticed I was very gregarious, and I'm annoyed because my bank account problem isn't resolved. I will be starting a little business (already started) selling veggie transplants at the organic farmer's market. I am very annoyed because I want to BUY supplies... and DO things.

All I wanted to do this morning was TALK AND TALK. Now I will be going outside to clean up my part of the yard because I'm feeling ANTSY and need to do something ACTIVE.

I think it's time for a lithium 150 for lunch, as I'm obviously running a tad MANIC.

Ron hasn't yelled SHUT UP HEATHER yet but I can tell he's thinking it.

[CurveControl]

I was off line yesterday and most of the day before. Wow you guys were chatty.

I don't get the paranoids.

I love mucinex and take it (12 hour extended release) every day because my sinus issues are severe.
A zpac will sometimes work, more often I end up on levaqin because ony one course of Z only manages to half clear my infection.


I generally tell people about my BiPo if it comes up in conversation. My boss knows because I was a little out of it one day when I'd had a really bead week and increased my Lamictal too wuickly. She looked odd, But I don't care.

The shower was nice, But I am still a mess. I do NOT think DD staying here is going to work very well at all.

[faithgirl]

It's hard having an adult child come home. I only now that becuase I have been that adult child in the past. The child wants their own seperate life, but the parent expects them to be a part of the household with responsibilities, and rightlyfully so. KWIM?

Are you still not feeling well becuase of the meds? When is that beautiful baby going to be born? I should know that but the memory is kinda crappy these days...

[djalomo]

OMG when I even go home for a weekend my mom will see me leave for a party and say, "Do you really have to go out? It's almost 11. Can't you do it tomorrow?" Oh dear. If she knew half my life 5 hours away...

[CurveControl]

Originally Posted by faithgirl

It's hard having an adult child come home. I only now that becuase I have been that adult child in the past. The child wants their own seperate life, but the parent expects them to be a part of the household with responsibilities, and rightlyfully so. KWIM?

Are you still not feeling well becuase of the meds? When is that beautiful baby going to be born? I should know that but the memory is kinda crappy these days...

I don't know. I have had a LOT of stress, emotional and physical in the last month, but I am feeling really low. Lower than I probably should be with meds. PMS is also a possible part of it, But if it is I have not had such awful PMS in 2 years!
It is probably not a good time to change meds, but then I don't see a better time looming on the horizon,yanno? Baby is due Sep 24 so I guess I should try while things are as 'normal' as they are gunna get in the next 6 months!

Originally Posted by djalomo

OMG when I even go home for a weekend my mom will see me leave for a party and say, "Do you really have to go out? It's almost 11. Can't you do it tomorrow?" Oh dear. If she knew half my life 5 hours away...

I don't even ask DD1 what all she is up to 5-6 hours away! I figure I will hear about it when she is 30 or so, long past the time I can be irritated or upset by it!

Though at nearly 25 I don't think she has BiPo. Drama queen, yes, But I have not seen any BiPo in her. I do with DS so I worry about him. DD2 is just a PITA right now.

[Houston Heather]

Ack. And I thought Bubba-cat was bad. He likes to bring home live gifts when I'm sleeping.

I feel pretty irritable, definitely time for more big L. But I'm not hungry and I don't know what I want to eat. I don't want to eat, but I have to eat.... agh.

Off I go to do some organizing. I gotta milk the mania while it lasts! I am very messy.

[faithgirl]

I cannot take this any longer. I am so freaked out over going to work tomorrow. i know it is mostly withdrawals and this damn migraine. Last week I was feelling almost like a normal person, or what I think must be normal to now just wanting to be dead. I am scared, angry, paranoid, you name it. I cannot do this anymore, I just can't. I can't tell anyone else because they will freak. I won't tell my sister becuase it is her job I am covering for tomorrow and she never gets to take a vacation and do something fun and now she is. If she knew how freaked out I am, she would come home. I can't let her do that.

I am not going to hurt myself, but I cannot deal wit it anymore. Klonopin is not strong enough. And when I up my dose it still isn't strong enough and I looked at myself in the mirror and I looked like I hadn't slept in weeks. My eyes felt like they were open, but they were just slits. Everyone will think I am doing drugs tomorrow, never mind all the other crap.

I will call the pdoc tomorrow, but I think it is going to be really hard to get in to see him and I do not want to go to the mental hospital because the crazy pdoc I saw last month owns it. I would rather be dead than have him taking care of me. Would a regular hospital take care of me if it came to that, or would they just ship me off to the crazy hospital?

[faithgirl]

Originally Posted by CurveControl

I don't know. I have had a LOT of stress, emotional and physical in the last month, but I am feeling really low. Lower than I probably should be with meds. PMS is also a possible part of it, But if it is I have not had such awful PMS in 2 years!
It is probably not a good time to change meds, but then I don't see a better time looming on the horizon,yanno? Baby is due Sep 24 so I guess I should try while things are as 'normal' as they are gunna get in the next 6 months!

I hope you can get over this without the med change. I now Lamictal has been good for you.

[Houston Heather]

Um, when I went to my local ER, Kath, they got a mental health technician from the local psych hospital (a very good one, according to my doc), part of a county-wide evaluation team, to come by and check me out.

He was the one who diagnosed me. He talked to my husband, and then sent me home.

[faithgirl]

Then they will still send me back to work and it is too stressful. I only have 3 days left that I can take off this year and I will need them for doctor's appointments so I cannot take off at all.

I never want to be someone that has to go on disability. I want to take care of this. But damn it I cannot even handle a simple job right now.

I guess I can try a regular hospital if I need to. I don't know what to do.

[faithgirl]

I'm a little better this morning I'll have to see how things go. I just want to crawl in bed and sleep for a week. It wouldn't do any good, of course, I'd just toss and turn and fine someone/something to hate.

[CurveControl]

Originally Posted by faithgirl

I cannot take this any longer. I am so freaked out over going to work tomorrow. i know it is mostly withdrawals and this damn migraine. Last week I was feelling almost like a normal person, or what I think must be normal to now just wanting to be dead. I am scared, angry, paranoid, you name it. I cannot do this anymore, I just can't. I can't tell anyone else because they will freak. I won't tell my sister becuase it is her job I am covering for tomorrow and she never gets to take a vacation and do something fun and now she is. If she knew how freaked out I am, she would come home. I can't let her do that.

I am not going to hurt myself, but I cannot deal wit it anymore. Klonopin is not strong enough. And when I up my dose it still isn't strong enough and I looked at myself in the mirror and I looked like I hadn't slept in weeks. My eyes felt like they were open, but they were just slits. Everyone will think I am doing drugs tomorrow, never mind all the other crap.

I will call the pdoc tomorrow, but I think it is going to be really hard to get in to see him and I do not want to go to the mental hospital because the crazy pdoc I saw last month owns it. I would rather be dead than have him taking care of me. Would a regular hospital take care of me if it came to that, or would they just ship me off to the crazy hospital?

Originally Posted by faithgirl

I'm a little better this morning I'll have to see how things go. I just want to crawl in bed and sleep for a week. It wouldn't do any good, of course, I'd just toss and turn and fine someone/something to hate.

I am on day 2 of a pretty deep depression and crying again/still.
One glaring symptom? I was awake by 8. I do not do mornings. I took the same amount of sleeping meds as usual as well as a small dose of seroquel. I should be out cold. That is one of the worst things about depression. I can sleep with my eds, but only for a few hours and then all I want to do is lay around, no interest in anything to fill a lot of hours till it is time to take my sleeping meds again and can escape a few hours.

My husband sighed and roled over when I was on a crying jag in bed last night. Nice.
Thanks for the hug hunny.