Some scary thoughts...

daisyHair · 07-29-2008, 10:55 AM

From my Journal this morning:

Today A guy in a jeep driving in our neighboorhood I have never seen before waved at me coming back from my walk early this am, a very cute and very young guy. and it made me feel almost elated and then that very instant I had a very sad thought. Why was I so suprised he waved at me? Why am so much like a puppy now so excited after any show of attention, so hungry for any sign of acceptance. I sure have changed over the years, this fat has changed my personality so much! This fat has left me battered and emotionally beaten and I didn't even freaking realize it!

Now I am so supprised and even excited when I get ANY kind of attention? Good Lord I am going to have work on my self esteem.

And then another thought.. a flood of thoughts. I know now that I am just beginning to learn the damage that has been done (to me emotionally) by my obesity.

I know that as I reclaim my healthy self, the person I feel is the old me and start to live my life again, as a increasingly slim person, and watch the changes come slowly, I will realize things that I didn't' allow myself to do,
experiences I didn't allow myself to have, thoughts I didn't allow myself
to think. Risks I didn't allow myself to take or things I was afraid to
try to accomplish, or to even feel.

This is very frightening to me... and very sad. How much have I NOT lived my life?

luckylychee · 07-29-2008, 11:22 AM

I feel the same way sometimes.

sweet&sugarfree · 07-29-2008, 11:27 AM

Daisy, You are so pretty I bet lots of people check you out and you dont realize it!!

daisyHair · 07-29-2008, 11:30 AM

Thank you so much and I know what you are saying.. but I don't see myself that way AT ALL! I have horrid self esteem.. and I just realized it's worse than I thought.

I am still VERY overweight.. and I am short (only a bit over 5' 3") so I look like a short little blob.

It was a very strange feeling and opened a floodgate of thoughts and feelings..
I am not sure I really described it well... but I realized I have been pretending that I am fine or at least not letting myself feel.

KINDERHORE · 07-29-2008, 09:29 PM

I've been overweight ALL of my life and was so ashamed of my body I didn't wear shorts, SHOW MY FEET in sandals/flip flops, etc. I wouldn't even see a gyno because I didn't want her to be burdened by the terribleness that is my body. Bad emotional scars, dude.

Guys would approach me and I immediately thought they had something tricky and terrible up their sleeve.

Then I went to therapy, OA, lost some weight, worked out (Really helped me start to be in tune with my body and not hate it so much) Then a boy got to me. Not my boyfriend! But a guy. Then another one, and another and another. I'm not going to say I got around town...but I did. In an empowered way. They actually DID like me, and the ones I was with (some just really good make out sesh's) I was really lucky about. They were perfectly comfortable with my body. I was the one who had to get over it.

By the time I met my boyfriend I was ready for some real acceptance and understanding. I've never been better.

TMI, I'm sure. It's good to feel your feelings, but you are very beautiful and trust me...my skinniest, model looking girlfriends STILL get butterflies and excited when anyone notices them. Boys do too. It just feels good.

You know...also...A lot of what I worked on in therapy was getting over the idea that my life can't start until I'm thin. I'll get a better job, have better clothes, get a boyfriend, etc.

It's okay to still be working on yourself AND feel good about yourself.

KINDERHORE · 07-29-2008, 09:30 PM

And by the way, after looking at your myspace page, you're hot. Don't worry so much!

Fitz_Gone_Fat · 07-30-2008, 06:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KINDERHORE

I've been overweight ALL of my life and was so ashamed of my body I didn't wear shorts, SHOW MY FEET in sandals/flip flops, etc. I wouldn't even see a gyno because I didn't want her to be burdened by the terribleness that is my body. Bad emotional scars, dude.

Guys would approach me and I immediately thought they had something tricky and terrible up their sleeve.

Then I went to therapy, OA, lost some weight, worked out (Really helped me start to be in tune with my body and not hate it so much) Then a boy got to me. Not my boyfriend! But a guy. Then another one, and another and another. I'm not going to say I got around town...but I did. In an empowered way. They actually DID like me, and the ones I was with (some just really good make out sesh's) I was really lucky about. They were perfectly comfortable with my body. I was the one who had to get over it.

By the time I met my boyfriend I was ready for some real acceptance and understanding. I've never been better.

TMI, I'm sure. It's good to feel your feelings, but you are very beautiful and trust me...my skinniest, model looking girlfriends STILL get butterflies and excited when anyone notices them. Boys do too. It just feels good.

You know...also...A lot of what I worked on in therapy was getting over the idea that my life can't start until I'm thin. I'll get a better job, have better clothes, get a boyfriend, etc.

It's okay to still be working on yourself AND feel good about yourself.

Wow... you sound just like me! We even weigh the same! I just started Atkins again after 8 years of not doing it. I finally said to myself "I have to do something. And if someone comes along (a boy), I'm not going to even deal with him until I get this weight off." And I totally agree with the thinking that every boy has some tricks or something terrible up his sleeve if he talks to me... or that something is wrong with him. I'm so glad that I'm not the only one that has ever felt this way. Maybe I should get some counseling?

Carol21950 · 07-30-2008, 07:47 AM

Many guys like a girl to have some meat on her bones. Some guy once said that he didn't want to worry he was going to bruise the girl when they had sex! I hadn't thought about it that way.

But yeah, it takes a while to stop thinking, "I am this fat blob; who's going to look at me?" "Why should I buy that pretty top? I'm too fat!" "I don't deserve this (manicure, pedicure, new hairstyle, stunning pair of shoes, etc.) because I am overweight."

The magic is that once you get some self-confidence, you just glow with it, and a lot of people will never really see your weight.

And think of all the plus-sized actresses and singers out there. Most people just notice the performance, not the pounds.

So as you're working your way down, don't think that you're not appealing to anyone.

KINDERHORE · 07-30-2008, 09:01 AM

All of that is SO true. When I started dating my BF for the first time, mostly because of my confidence and also because of how he made me feel, I felt like a REAL person.

I know that sounds terrible, but I felt like a regular person walking the earth. Not because I finally had a BF but because I felt like a normal, attractive woman. Not a fat girl that some guy took pity on. Of COURSE he would be attracted to me. My BF thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.

A funny thing happened, too. I started looking around and noticing other plus sized woman with BF/husbands, too And OF COURSE their husbands were attracted to them.

Then I realized that I wasn't really shy about my body at all. I just never wanted to subject anyone else to it's "terribleness."

Now I'm naked all the time.

At home, that is.

07-29-2008, 10:55 AM	#1
daisyHair MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: May 2007 Location: Orlando Posts: 1,832 Gallery: daisyHair Stats: 257/209/207/135 WOE: Atkins OWL	Some scary thoughts... From my Journal this morning: Today A guy in a jeep driving in our neighboorhood I have never seen before waved at me coming back from my walk early this am, a very cute and very young guy. and it made me feel almost elated and then that very instant I had a very sad thought. Why was I so suprised he waved at me? Why am so much like a puppy now so excited after any show of attention, so hungry for any sign of acceptance. I sure have changed over the years, this fat has changed my personality so much! This fat has left me battered and emotionally beaten and I didn't even freaking realize it! Now I am so supprised and even excited when I get ANY kind of attention? Good Lord I am going to have work on my self esteem. And then another thought.. a flood of thoughts. I know now that I am just beginning to learn the damage that has been done (to me emotionally) by my obesity. I know that as I reclaim my healthy self, the person I feel is the old me and start to live my life again, as a increasingly slim person, and watch the changes come slowly, I will realize things that I didn't' allow myself to do, experiences I didn't allow myself to have, thoughts I didn't allow myself to think. Risks I didn't allow myself to take or things I was afraid to try to accomplish, or to even feel. This is very frightening to me... and very sad. How much have I NOT lived my life? __________________ 44 years old.................Walking around 17 miles a week right now (average 3 miles a day). "I've Never Had a Humble Opinion. If You Have an Opinion, Why be Humble About it?" Joan Baez Progress pix:http://www.lowcarbfriends.com/bbs/ma...s-pix-too.html Http://www.myspace.com/runundefined Last edited by daisyHair : 07-29-2008 at 10:58 AM.

07-30-2008, 07:47 AM	#8
Carol21950 MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Northern VA Posts: 1,271 Gallery: Carol21950 WOE: Atkins Start Date: August 2002	Many guys like a girl to have some meat on her bones. Some guy once said that he didn't want to worry he was going to bruise the girl when they had sex! I hadn't thought about it that way. But yeah, it takes a while to stop thinking, "I am this fat blob; who's going to look at me?" "Why should I buy that pretty top? I'm too fat!" "I don't deserve this (manicure, pedicure, new hairstyle, stunning pair of shoes, etc.) because I am overweight." The magic is that once you get some self-confidence, you just glow with it, and a lot of people will never really see your weight. And think of all the plus-sized actresses and singers out there. Most people just notice the performance, not the pounds. So as you're working your way down, don't think that you're not appealing to anyone. __________________ 5'7.5" 58 yo Starting weight: 175 Weight on 8/27: 168.5 Goal: 150 Doin' it for the grandbabies (Caitlin - 1, Abigail - 3, Monty - 1)

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07-29-2008, 11:22 AM	#2
luckylychee Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Luxembourg! Posts: 4,807 Gallery: luckylychee Stats: 89 kilos/76.2 kilos/61.2 kilos WOE: Low carb, BRING ON THE FAT Start Date: March 10, 2007	I feel the same way sometimes.

07-29-2008, 11:27 AM	#3
sweet&sugarfree MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,837 Gallery: sweet&sugarfree Stats: 196.6/170.4/156 Start Date: January 1, 2005	Daisy, You are so pretty I bet lots of people check you out and you dont realize it!!

07-29-2008, 11:30 AM	#4
daisyHair MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: May 2007 Location: Orlando Posts: 1,832 Gallery: daisyHair Stats: 257/209/207/135 WOE: Atkins OWL	Thank you so much and I know what you are saying.. but I don't see myself that way AT ALL! I have horrid self esteem.. and I just realized it's worse than I thought. I am still VERY overweight.. and I am short (only a bit over 5' 3") so I look like a short little blob. It was a very strange feeling and opened a floodgate of thoughts and feelings.. I am not sure I really described it well... but I realized I have been pretending that I am fine or at least not letting myself feel.

07-29-2008, 09:29 PM	#5
KINDERHORE Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: SAN FRANCISCO Posts: 413 Gallery: KINDERHORE Stats: Was 317! 273/265/162 WOE: Whole foods/Low Carb Start Date: 08/05	I've been overweight ALL of my life and was so ashamed of my body I didn't wear shorts, SHOW MY FEET in sandals/flip flops, etc. I wouldn't even see a gyno because I didn't want her to be burdened by the terribleness that is my body. Bad emotional scars, dude. Guys would approach me and I immediately thought they had something tricky and terrible up their sleeve. Then I went to therapy, OA, lost some weight, worked out (Really helped me start to be in tune with my body and not hate it so much) Then a boy got to me. Not my boyfriend! But a guy. Then another one, and another and another. I'm not going to say I got around town...but I did. In an empowered way. They actually DID like me, and the ones I was with (some just really good make out sesh's) I was really lucky about. They were perfectly comfortable with my body. I was the one who had to get over it. By the time I met my boyfriend I was ready for some real acceptance and understanding. I've never been better. TMI, I'm sure. It's good to feel your feelings, but you are very beautiful and trust me...my skinniest, model looking girlfriends STILL get butterflies and excited when anyone notices them. Boys do too. It just feels good. You know...also...A lot of what I worked on in therapy was getting over the idea that my life can't start until I'm thin. I'll get a better job, have better clothes, get a boyfriend, etc. It's okay to still be working on yourself AND feel good about yourself.

07-29-2008, 09:30 PM	#6
KINDERHORE Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: SAN FRANCISCO Posts: 413 Gallery: KINDERHORE Stats: Was 317! 273/265/162 WOE: Whole foods/Low Carb Start Date: 08/05	And by the way, after looking at your myspace page, you're hot. Don't worry so much!

07-30-2008, 09:01 AM	#9
KINDERHORE Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: SAN FRANCISCO Posts: 413 Gallery: KINDERHORE Stats: Was 317! 273/265/162 WOE: Whole foods/Low Carb Start Date: 08/05	All of that is SO true. When I started dating my BF for the first time, mostly because of my confidence and also because of how he made me feel, I felt like a REAL person. I know that sounds terrible, but I felt like a regular person walking the earth. Not because I finally had a BF but because I felt like a normal, attractive woman. Not a fat girl that some guy took pity on. Of COURSE he would be attracted to me. My BF thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. A funny thing happened, too. I started looking around and noticing other plus sized woman with BF/husbands, too And OF COURSE their husbands were attracted to them. Then I realized that I wasn't really shy about my body at all. I just never wanted to subject anyone else to it's "terribleness." Now I'm naked all the time. At home, that is.