My husband is leaving me again

BABSY · 07-21-2008, 05:59 PM

For all that remember my thread last year around sept., he is leaving me again. He left me and moved into the apts across the st. and signed a contract for 6 months and wanted to come back in 4. I allowed him back. Now he is doing it again. He just showed me the reciept for the same apts today. It isnt ready till next month on the 18th. I did the same thing last time with him staying here till it was ready for a month. That is not fair. What do I do.

waddleon · 07-21-2008, 06:06 PM

Can u have locks chg while he is at work??? And have all his stuff bagged up outside??? My bf hubbie did the same thing, wanted to b roomates until he moved WTH. So inconsiderate. I am sorry.

BABSY · 07-21-2008, 06:07 PM

I took his key already but what else can I do

Violet Skye · 07-21-2008, 06:10 PM

Babsy,

I think you should make sure that he doesn't get to set all the rules in this relationship. Even if it means he sleeps in his car for a month. Sorry to sound so harsh, but he can't have you as a roomie when it's convenient. You deserve better.

waddleon · 07-21-2008, 06:12 PM

Is all his stuff out?? I know its really hard, but you have to look out for YOU and your best interests. Even if you still love him dont make it easier for him to treat u like that

momacat · 07-21-2008, 06:16 PM

So why do you let him back? Where is he staying now? Have you folks tried to resolve the problems that you're having? Its weird that if he wanted to get away from you that he'd move across the street.

BABSY · 07-21-2008, 06:19 PM

I know, so what do I tell him. I told him if he puts that deposit down like last time, its over forever. He didnt care. SO what do I do know. He even said he would sleep in his car. He could leave me with all the utilities.

BABSY · 07-21-2008, 06:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Violet Skye

Babsy,

I think you should make sure that he doesn't get to set all the rules in this relationship. Even if it means he sleeps in his car for a month. Sorry to sound so harsh, but he can't have you as a roomie when it's convenient. You deserve better.

I have deserved better for many years

momacat · 07-21-2008, 06:24 PM

So why do you want him to come back? Maybe you should think about filing for a divorce.

Zer · 07-21-2008, 06:36 PM

Not to trivialize your situation, but lately I'm finding and offering remedies through consciousness-raising movies. Do take a look at "The Holiday" for a great example of how a really nice woman gets her GUMPTION in gear and starts acting like a leading lady in her own life. I think you will relate to that actor's shift from being a doormat to being a glorious leading lady in her own life!

Quote:

Originally Posted by BABSY

...he is leaving me again. He left me and moved into the apts across the st. and signed a contract for 6 months and wanted to come back in 4. I allowed him back. Now he is doing it again. He just showed me the reciept for the same apts today. It isnt ready till next month on the 18th. I did the same thing last time with him staying here till it was ready for a month. That is not fair. What do I do.

Definitely not fair. Check out the movie. Then get your own GUMPTION in gear and do what you must do to restore balance in your life. You can DO THIS! Me too!

momacat · 07-21-2008, 06:39 PM

Babsy- it sounds like you need to seek some counseling.

Zer · 07-21-2008, 06:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BABSY

I took his key already but what else can I do?

Need help with rent/utilities? Find a roommate. Can you move to a smaller place or do you want to keep this place and just find someone to share?

Counseling and support is SO IMPORTANT. Do indulge in this if you are not already involved with a support system that is professional and reliable. Friends cannot always BE THERE the way a professional social worker will be there for you. Do not try to do this without LOTS of support for yourself.

Violet Skye · 07-21-2008, 06:43 PM

Quote:

I have deserved better for many years

I most definitely believe that you have. And now you get to re-invent yourself as a strong single woman, get a career in nursing, and any other goals you wish to achieve in life.

Zer · 07-21-2008, 06:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by momacat

So why do you want him to come back? Maybe you should think about filing for a divorce.

Start off by filing for separate maintenance, since he's backing out on support or sharing costs. You may need to do first what can be done fastest. Consult a lawyer, of course, on the fair course of action for a partner who shifts gears as yours has done, is doing AGAIN. You have a contract, a marriage contract, as well as whatever contract your housing is based on. Contracts are enforceable under law. Go for it!

BABSY · 07-21-2008, 06:48 PM

I was considering the nursing thing but now how do I do that without his income

BABSY · 07-21-2008, 06:48 PM

I called the college about a pell grant, but they didnt call me back

waddleon · 07-21-2008, 07:18 PM

Is he calling you?? or just coming back to let u know what his plans r???

Mary_M · 07-21-2008, 07:19 PM

When my sister's fiance walked out on her, my sister immediately called a locksmith to change all the locks. She put all of his belongs outside. He came back with the police who informed her that even though she is the sole owner of the house, because the address appears on his drivers license that he has a right to be in the house. The police said he can come at any time and she has to let him in. It's not right. But it's the law at least in my city in PA. Just a "heads up" in case it's the law in your area also.

I am wishing the best for you.

waddleon · 07-21-2008, 07:30 PM

I'm in mo, complete opposite.

luckiangel · 07-21-2008, 07:49 PM

Babsy.....lot of good advice here but before you can go any further you need to speak to someone who knows the marriage/divorce laws in your city, county, state. If you have his key then he knows he can't get in without you letting him in. I say let him sleep in his car. The only things for you to do is to consult a lawyer and find out what your rights are. DOn't let him get away without knowing what is yours. In alot of states now divorce laws are no fault and community property. What's his is yours and vice versa. Find out what your state says. That also includes liabilities as well as assets. Don't let him stomp you down. Let him know what he's missin.

Zer · 07-22-2008, 10:07 AM

Definitely connect with legal counsel, perhaps free from a woman's support group, as you define your boundaries and limits in respect to a man who has dropped out or abandoned his relationship before and is repeating behavior that has worked (for him) before, letting him play house or come home at will.

Might be you can find some useful info at LegalZoom-dot-com, a site I heard about on some radio call-in show. Use code "money101" to credit show host and maybe get a discount on services. Good luck on collecting the info that you need to make your position secure in your own state's legal environment.

I'm not a lawyer - just fascinated by the craft of laws and customs - but it seems that ABANDONING one's partner (not just once but repeatedly) puts a person in a weak position for demanding access at will. What say? I hope you can get support established legally while you get on your feet. Go for it!

Bluegenes · 07-22-2008, 01:46 PM

I find myself asking the same question "nice guys" have been puzzled by for millenia...... "Why do women put up with men who act like jerks?!!" Although maybe women have been asking the same question in reverse....I don't know?

If you need some help with college financial questions there are answers. I decided to go back to school late in life, with few resources, but was able to do it. You won't live well, but it is certainly doable. If you need some advice let me know....I have been through it (and am currently doing it). Good luck.

LoraJR72 · 07-22-2008, 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BABSY

I was considering the nursing thing but now how do I do that without his income

I'm sorry about your situation

but have you considered the Private Industry Council? They helped me when I lived in El Paso, TX, and in Phoenix, AZ, several years ago. I don't know if you have a car but there is one in Grand Prarie, TX.

Private Industry Council‎ - more info »
132 E Main St, Grand Prairie, TX - (972) 642-9982‎

I'd also start calling the Dept of Human Services to get more information about legal and housing help, too.

Zer · 07-22-2008, 02:20 PM

Some marriage settlements include a support agreement that pays for training or that provides for a spouse who was totally dependent on the earning partner. Guess you need info on your rights as an abandoned spouse, if you have no income of your own or are caught in a bind without an agreed share being paid.

Have you contacted any legal aid service or women's support groups for advice? Are you finding info that will help you feel all right on your own?

Financing an education is probably not a primary concern now. Housing and basic needs - as well as basic rights - is probably a more urgent concern.

Start writing lists of what you need to know, who you talk to, who you need to call back for more info. Having stuff written down helps me when I'm feeling overwhelmed, as you may well feel. He's moving right across the way? Weird.

BABSY · 07-23-2008, 04:23 PM

well, here is the deal. He left me in Sept of last year, a week after his birthday where he had put a deposit down a month prior just like he is doing now. Before he left I separated all the credit cards and gave him half of the balances. I work and have been with the same company since 95. I managed to make it with him giving me child support in an amount that I came up with and he agreed. He came back in 4 months. He says this time I wont get that much. Now he is doing it all over again. This time I bought a car not long after he came back thinking he wouldnt be stupid enough to do it again. We do have 2 homes together. One that we shared and a rental property that is rented and I take care paying the mortgage on that. Actually I did everything. He didnt even know how to pay his own bills. He asked my 19 yr old who is living in the same apts to help.

Before when he left, he had a truck payment and now its paid so he even made the comment that he can move out now since he will have more money.

BABSY · 07-23-2008, 04:28 PM

I have 2 car payments. I am worried I wont be able to make it. I will be left with the mortgage payment and after school care for my son.

luckiangel · 07-23-2008, 06:06 PM

find a good lawyer, document everything he has said to you and done. If you seek counsel you won't have to worry since the courts will make sure that he gets his fair share also.

waddleon · 07-23-2008, 08:00 PM

Babsy dont let him tell u what is going to happen to u, what a scumbag. Take anything he has to say w a grain of salt. Heck why even give him the time of day. Nice of him to get get his act together a month ago and then drop the ball on you

07-21-2008, 05:59 PM	#1
BABSY Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: MCKINNEY,TX Posts: 3,534 Gallery: BABSY	My husband is leaving me again For all that remember my thread last year around sept., he is leaving me again. He left me and moved into the apts across the st. and signed a contract for 6 months and wanted to come back in 4. I allowed him back. Now he is doing it again. He just showed me the reciept for the same apts today. It isnt ready till next month on the 18th. I did the same thing last time with him staying here till it was ready for a month. That is not fair. What do I do.

07-21-2008, 07:19 PM	#18
Mary_M Senior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 232 Blog Entries: 2 Gallery: Mary_M Stats: size 14-16/size 10/size 6 WOE: Dr Berg based diet plan Start Date: 1997; restarted 1/1/08	When my sister's fiance walked out on her, my sister immediately called a locksmith to change all the locks. She put all of his belongs outside. He came back with the police who informed her that even though she is the sole owner of the house, because the address appears on his drivers license that he has a right to be in the house. The police said he can come at any time and she has to let him in. It's not right. But it's the law at least in my city in PA. Just a "heads up" in case it's the law in your area also. I am wishing the best for you. __________________ Mary "Today is a gift from God, that's why it's called the present."

07-21-2008, 07:49 PM	#20
luckiangel Blabbermouth!!! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Douglas, Arizona Posts: 5,048 Blog Entries: 8 Gallery: luckiangel Stats: 305/284/150 WOE: Ultrametabolism/Wii Fit Start Date: 10/2003-start over 1/1/09	Babsy.....lot of good advice here but before you can go any further you need to speak to someone who knows the marriage/divorce laws in your city, county, state. If you have his key then he knows he can't get in without you letting him in. I say let him sleep in his car. The only things for you to do is to consult a lawyer and find out what your rights are. DOn't let him get away without knowing what is yours. In alot of states now divorce laws are no fault and community property. What's his is yours and vice versa. Find out what your state says. That also includes liabilities as well as assets. Don't let him stomp you down. Let him know what he's missin. __________________ The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it ~ Chinese Proverb You are who you think you are Wii Fit Challenge - 20 hours in Jan!! - 5 hours 35 mins completed

07-21-2008, 06:06 PM	#2
waddleon Senior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Missouri Posts: 579 Gallery: waddleon Stats: 172/168/130 WOE: Atkins Start Date: 03/01/2006	Can u have locks chg while he is at work??? And have all his stuff bagged up outside??? My bf hubbie did the same thing, wanted to b roomates until he moved WTH. So inconsiderate. I am sorry.

07-21-2008, 06:07 PM	#3
BABSY Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: MCKINNEY,TX Posts: 3,534 Gallery: BABSY	I took his key already but what else can I do

07-21-2008, 06:10 PM	#4
Violet Skye MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: May 2007 Location: Montreal Posts: 2,478 Gallery: Violet Skye Stats: 219.4/217.4/133 WOE: Weight Watchers Momentum Start Date: December 23, 2008	Babsy, I think you should make sure that he doesn't get to set all the rules in this relationship. Even if it means he sleeps in his car for a month. Sorry to sound so harsh, but he can't have you as a roomie when it's convenient. You deserve better.

07-21-2008, 06:12 PM	#5
waddleon Senior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Missouri Posts: 579 Gallery: waddleon Stats: 172/168/130 WOE: Atkins Start Date: 03/01/2006	Is all his stuff out?? I know its really hard, but you have to look out for YOU and your best interests. Even if you still love him dont make it easier for him to treat u like that

07-21-2008, 06:16 PM	#6
momacat Blabbermouth!!! Join Date: Mar 2003 Posts: 7,074 Gallery: momacat	So why do you let him back? Where is he staying now? Have you folks tried to resolve the problems that you're having? Its weird that if he wanted to get away from you that he'd move across the street.

07-21-2008, 06:19 PM	#7
BABSY Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: MCKINNEY,TX Posts: 3,534 Gallery: BABSY	I know, so what do I tell him. I told him if he puts that deposit down like last time, its over forever. He didnt care. SO what do I do know. He even said he would sleep in his car. He could leave me with all the utilities.

07-21-2008, 06:24 PM	#9
momacat Blabbermouth!!! Join Date: Mar 2003 Posts: 7,074 Gallery: momacat	So why do you want him to come back? Maybe you should think about filing for a divorce.

07-21-2008, 06:39 PM	#11
momacat Blabbermouth!!! Join Date: Mar 2003 Posts: 7,074 Gallery: momacat	Babsy- it sounds like you need to seek some counseling.

07-21-2008, 06:48 PM	#15
BABSY Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: MCKINNEY,TX Posts: 3,534 Gallery: BABSY	I was considering the nursing thing but now how do I do that without his income

07-21-2008, 07:18 PM	#17
waddleon Senior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Missouri Posts: 579 Gallery: waddleon Stats: 172/168/130 WOE: Atkins Start Date: 03/01/2006	Is he calling you?? or just coming back to let u know what his plans r???

07-21-2008, 07:30 PM	#19
waddleon Senior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Missouri Posts: 579 Gallery: waddleon Stats: 172/168/130 WOE: Atkins Start Date: 03/01/2006	I'm in mo, complete opposite.

07-22-2008, 10:07 AM	#21
Zer Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: SoCal (Orange County) Posts: 8,058 Blog Entries: 42 Gallery: Zer Stats: 5'10"; 64; 508.7/380/199 WOE: Atkins: <5%Carb; BMR:2423cals; 182gProt; 128ozH2O Start Date: 432.4(2/8) 413.2(4/8) 402.2(6/8) 387.8(10/12)	Definitely connect with legal counsel, perhaps free from a woman's support group, as you define your boundaries and limits in respect to a man who has dropped out or abandoned his relationship before and is repeating behavior that has worked (for him) before, letting him play house or come home at will. Might be you can find some useful info at LegalZoom-dot-com, a site I heard about on some radio call-in show. Use code "money101" to credit show host and maybe get a discount on services. Good luck on collecting the info that you need to make your position secure in your own state's legal environment. I'm not a lawyer - just fascinated by the craft of laws and customs - but it seems that ABANDONING one's partner (not just once but repeatedly) puts a person in a weak position for demanding access at will. What say? I hope you can get support established legally while you get on your feet. Go for it!

07-22-2008, 01:46 PM	#22
Bluegenes Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Oregon Posts: 65 Gallery: Bluegenes Stats: 205/202/175 5'10" WOE: Barry Groves Start Date: June 2008	I find myself asking the same question "nice guys" have been puzzled by for millenia...... "Why do women put up with men who act like jerks?!!" Although maybe women have been asking the same question in reverse....I don't know? If you need some help with college financial questions there are answers. I decided to go back to school late in life, with few resources, but was able to do it. You won't live well, but it is certainly doable. If you need some advice let me know....I have been through it (and am currently doing it). Good luck.

07-22-2008, 02:20 PM	#24
Zer Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: SoCal (Orange County) Posts: 8,058 Blog Entries: 42 Gallery: Zer Stats: 5'10"; 64; 508.7/380/199 WOE: Atkins: <5%Carb; BMR:2423cals; 182gProt; 128ozH2O Start Date: 432.4(2/8) 413.2(4/8) 402.2(6/8) 387.8(10/12)	Some marriage settlements include a support agreement that pays for training or that provides for a spouse who was totally dependent on the earning partner. Guess you need info on your rights as an abandoned spouse, if you have no income of your own or are caught in a bind without an agreed share being paid. Have you contacted any legal aid service or women's support groups for advice? Are you finding info that will help you feel all right on your own? Financing an education is probably not a primary concern now. Housing and basic needs - as well as basic rights - is probably a more urgent concern. Start writing lists of what you need to know, who you talk to, who you need to call back for more info. Having stuff written down helps me when I'm feeling overwhelmed, as you may well feel. He's moving right across the way? Weird.

07-23-2008, 04:23 PM	#25
BABSY Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: MCKINNEY,TX Posts: 3,534 Gallery: BABSY	well, here is the deal. He left me in Sept of last year, a week after his birthday where he had put a deposit down a month prior just like he is doing now. Before he left I separated all the credit cards and gave him half of the balances. I work and have been with the same company since 95. I managed to make it with him giving me child support in an amount that I came up with and he agreed. He came back in 4 months. He says this time I wont get that much. Now he is doing it all over again. This time I bought a car not long after he came back thinking he wouldnt be stupid enough to do it again. We do have 2 homes together. One that we shared and a rental property that is rented and I take care paying the mortgage on that. Actually I did everything. He didnt even know how to pay his own bills. He asked my 19 yr old who is living in the same apts to help. Before when he left, he had a truck payment and now its paid so he even made the comment that he can move out now since he will have more money.

07-23-2008, 04:28 PM	#26
BABSY Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: MCKINNEY,TX Posts: 3,534 Gallery: BABSY	I have 2 car payments. I am worried I wont be able to make it. I will be left with the mortgage payment and after school care for my son.

07-23-2008, 06:06 PM	#27
luckiangel Blabbermouth!!! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Douglas, Arizona Posts: 5,048 Blog Entries: 8 Gallery: luckiangel Stats: 305/284/150 WOE: Ultrametabolism/Wii Fit Start Date: 10/2003-start over 1/1/09	find a good lawyer, document everything he has said to you and done. If you seek counsel you won't have to worry since the courts will make sure that he gets his fair share also.

07-23-2008, 08:00 PM	#28
waddleon Senior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Missouri Posts: 579 Gallery: waddleon Stats: 172/168/130 WOE: Atkins Start Date: 03/01/2006	Babsy dont let him tell u what is going to happen to u, what a scumbag. Take anything he has to say w a grain of salt. Heck why even give him the time of day. Nice of him to get get his act together a month ago and then drop the ball on you