I hate my marriage

macongagal · 06-01-2008, 10:07 AM

I hate it , I hate it. Im just here to be here. I constantly being told what to do and that the house is a mess. I clean it up and then he makes a big fuss about not being able to find things and that I moved this or that. Im just sick of it. I know we need help but Im not even sure if Im up for help at this point. Well, My vent is over now.. Im going to go get out of the house and leave it here for him and the teenager....lol

pegbord · 06-01-2008, 01:53 PM

i hear your frustration!! what kind of things do you do for yourself that you enjoy - and how often do you do them? i am not trying to distract you from feeling what you are feeling, rather just wondering if you take much or any time for yourself. i think time for yourself is critical to a marriage and if you're spending all your time trying to please or satisfy requests or expectations of others, then where do your needs fit into the picture?? you deserve the kind of marriage and life that you want.

Jean@125 · 06-01-2008, 02:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by macongagal

I hate it , I hate it. Im just here to be here. I constantly being told what to do and that the house is a mess. I clean it up and then he makes a big fuss about not being able to find things and that I moved this or that. Im just sick of it. I know we need help but Im not even sure if Im up for help at this point. Well, My vent is over now.. Im going to go get out of the house and leave it here for him and the teenager....lol

Could it be hormonal? I know I can get really down on dh and my reponsibilities about a week or so before my cycle. I hope getting out helps you I know that usually helps me a lot. Jeanie

macongagal · 06-01-2008, 07:06 PM

I do get out quiet often.. My hubby is one that loves to collect THINGS. He has a problem with hoarding things. He doesnt seem to think he has a problem with this. I have to get out of the house just to be able to have a little bit of sanity. I encourage him to go somewhere and take out teenager with him to spend some time with him.. Im usually both Mom and Dad it seems to the two of them.. He is nothing but a big kid himself.

CarolynF · 06-01-2008, 08:25 PM

I think you should get some counseling for you first. Then you can encourage him to go.
Don't give up the ship without going through counseling.

What was dh's childhood like? Sounds like he might have had some problems there..

macongagal · 06-02-2008, 07:22 PM

Years ago. I was seeing someone for threapy when i got time to bring him into the sessions. He told me he wouldnt go. He didnt have any problems. I havent asked him about going again, but then again I havent went either. As far as his childhood goes his mother was a real B. She still can be.. She used to have to have a clean house no matter what. Kids could not EVER play in their rooms on the bed or decorate their own rooms.. She had to have it all so so. She is the type that vacuums sometimes twice daily still to this day.

Califrog · 06-03-2008, 08:54 AM

Talk to your pastor (minister, priest, rabbi) or your pastor's wife. Talk to an elder in your church and ask for help. That's what they're there for.

With most things in most marriages (and this is a hard pill for me to swallow sometimes!

), it's not one person's fault, it's both people firmly cemented that they are "right".

Jesus taught us the power in meekness, in turning the other cheek, in being the one to bend first.

Try to remember why you fell in love with your husband to begin with - chances are, it was for some of the character traits that are now driving you crazy. Treat him lovingly and you will start to FEEL more loving. Emotions can and do follow actions.

MistyLoo · 06-03-2008, 09:05 AM

Life is too short to be miserable. I'm just saying.

shoo · 06-03-2008, 09:15 AM

Please remember that your teens are still children,and are truly the powerless ones stuck in this situation. You and hubby can do whatever you want,but please,continue to love and support the kids. THey didn't ask for this. good luck.

shoo

macongagal · 06-03-2008, 02:31 PM

Well thanks all for the great information that you have given me.. I have pondered this situation for about 2 to 3 yrs now. Im not sure what I will do now. I wont do anything drastic thats for sure..

Susie Q · 06-04-2008, 08:42 AM

Gagal, Listen, I don't know what you're belief system is...but many marriages have challenges that are daily. The way I deal with it is knowing that God has an opinion of the way i handle things, and trying to follow his guidelines for marriage. I know this sounds impossible at times, all of us get frustrated that's for sure. Counseling sounds like a good idea, I would suggest a good christian counselor if you can.

atcgirl42 · 06-07-2008, 10:04 AM

He sounds like he has control issues. He complains about you and what you do to keep you down and under his control. You can never be good enough. I lived with a guy like that for 5 years. He'd make a mess and then complain about the house being messy. I was constantly put down and told I was the one with the problem. Does that sound like your DH?

macongagal · 06-07-2008, 12:45 PM

Atc,
Yes , he sounds lots like my hubby. I swear I think sometimes he hides thinks to have me up looking for them.. It almost always is him that finds the object that is lost. I just want to be able to get through our vacation in two weeks. I will have to spend every waking hour with him. Thank goodness he is now gone to his Dads for a while for me to have some relief.

CarolynF · 06-07-2008, 12:50 PM

There is an excellent book called "Control Freak" by a Christian author. Tells you how to deal with controlling people/family members, etc.

Why do you look for things for him? Next time, tell him that he is much better finding things that you are, so let him look..and you go do "something else"..

Zer · 06-07-2008, 12:55 PM

Not being AWARE of problems is not the same as not having problems.

Quote:

Originally Posted by macongagal

Years ago. I was seeing someone for threapy when i got time to bring him into the sessions. He told me he wouldnt go. He didnt have any problems. I havent asked him about going again, but then again I havent went either....

Next time you want him to go to a counselor and he says he doesn't have any problems, you might enlighten him. Can you imagine facing him squarely and saying I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU as you tell him you are considering asking him to move out? Wake up call!!! Separate maintenance by court decree would cover living expenses for you and your kids while he managed however he can, on his own. Ever think of this? Why not?

Moving a partner out so you can bring up your children in a better environment maybe something you want to consider. Separate maintenance might resolve the problems. Might help him to appreciate you. What say?

Stackeyha · 06-07-2008, 01:22 PM

Not to buck the trend but...hmmm...my dh gets really bossy when I'm not taking care of him.

When I am NOT respecting common agreements (things like we (either one of us) don't leave our shoes in the middle of the floor...we don't watch TV until all the things get done...we don't make plans without talking to each other first)...not doing my share around the house...not watching the kids as closely as I should and letting them get out of hand. He gets this way when I PUSH him away and say things like "I need my SPACE"...when I don't even TRY to pay attention to his interests.

In my hubby it is totally his defensive response to me NOT being the wife he deserves (my words, not his). I homeschool, so there are definately days when I lose my ability to be it all for everyone...but when I remember how much he loves me and say sincerely, "Honey, I had a hard day...sorry about the house..." instead of "I had a crappy day! Get it yourself! Why are you always griping at me?!"...it goes a million times farther...it goes even farther when I recognize that ONE crappy day can be completely resolved the next day by just doing the stuff I already KNOW that I should be doing...and he comes home to a happy wife the next day. He gets to trust that it really was just ONE crappy day.

All I'm saying is that, at least in my relationship, I really CAN drive the bossiness. Loving him FIRST before he loves me is SO much MORE important than always getting my own way. And, generally, when he feels my love, it's easier for him to trust me with his heart.

(By the way, I'm telling YOU this, not because there aren't things that he could be doing to...but because YOU asked...YOU can not change HIM...but you can change YOU and sometimes, that small change is all it takes to make it great all the way around again.)

Califrog · 06-09-2008, 11:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stackeyha

Not to buck the trend but...hmmm...my dh gets really bossy when I'm not taking care of him.

When I am NOT respecting common agreements (things like we (either one of us) don't leave our shoes in the middle of the floor...we don't watch TV until all the things get done...we don't make plans without talking to each other first)...not doing my share around the house...not watching the kids as closely as I should and letting them get out of hand. He gets this way when I PUSH him away and say things like "I need my SPACE"...when I don't even TRY to pay attention to his interests.

In my hubby it is totally his defensive response to me NOT being the wife he deserves (my words, not his). I homeschool, so there are definately days when I lose my ability to be it all for everyone...but when I remember how much he loves me and say sincerely, "Honey, I had a hard day...sorry about the house..." instead of "I had a crappy day! Get it yourself! Why are you always griping at me?!"...it goes a million times farther...it goes even farther when I recognize that ONE crappy day can be completely resolved the next day by just doing the stuff I already KNOW that I should be doing...and he comes home to a happy wife the next day. He gets to trust that it really was just ONE crappy day.

All I'm saying is that, at least in my relationship, I really CAN drive the bossiness. Loving him FIRST before he loves me is SO much MORE important than always getting my own way. And, generally, when he feels my love, it's easier for him to trust me with his heart.

(By the way, I'm telling YOU this, not because there aren't things that he could be doing to...but because YOU asked...YOU can not change HIM...but you can change YOU and sometimes, that small change is all it takes to make it great all the way around again.)

Such a great post, thank you for saying so gently what I would have liked to!

Zer · 06-09-2008, 11:12 AM

As I recall from the days when I listened to Dr.Laura (radio talk host/advisor), her advice to women with difficult spouses was to jump their bones - no bones about it - often enough that the guy is assured he's All That and More - which keeps him from being fractious about housework and money and piddly stuff.

Apparently, a man who is confident that he's studly is inclined to overlook other things, while a man who is not sure of his studliness will nitpick like a nutter.

CarbyCurse · 06-09-2008, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zer

As I recall from the days when I listened to Dr.Laura (radio talk host/advisor), her advice to women with difficult spouses was to jump their bones - no bones about it - often enough that the guy is assured he's All That and More - which keeps him from being fractious about housework and money and piddly stuff.

Apparently, a man who is confident that he's studly is inclined to overlook other things, while a man who is not sure of his studliness will nitpick like a nutter.

You're joking, right??

Stackeyha · 06-09-2008, 11:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zer

As I recall from the days when I listened to Dr.Laura (radio talk host/advisor), her advice to women with difficult spouses was to jump their bones - no bones about it - often enough that the guy is assured he's All That and More - which keeps him from being fractious about housework and money and piddly stuff.

Apparently, a man who is confident that he's studly is inclined to overlook other things, while a man who is not sure of his studliness will nitpick like a nutter.

Well there is THAT too...leave 'im to bleary eyed to notice the mess

CarbyCurse · 06-09-2008, 11:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by macongagal

I hate it , I hate it. Im just here to be here. I constantly being told what to do and that the house is a mess. I clean it up and then he makes a big fuss about not being able to find things and that I moved this or that. Im just sick of it. I know we need help but Im not even sure if Im up for help at this point. Well, My vent is over now.. Im going to go get out of the house and leave it here for him and the teenager....lol

Men seem to think the uterus is some sort of thing-finding sonar or something.

macongagal · 06-09-2008, 11:26 AM

I would say my hubby is not in any way studly.. I guess some women would think so cause he has a male part. He makes himself very unattractive acting like he does most of the time.

Melle · 06-09-2008, 11:50 AM

I do not believe in everything Dr. Phil says, but one of the most powerful statements he has ever made is this:

"People treat you the way you allow them to treat you.".

That is one of the most true statements, I've ever heard.

Mule_Freak · 06-09-2008, 12:36 PM

Melle, You said a mouth full. My spouse sounds just like yours, I so can't stomach to see him come home some days. He drives me insane w/his nasty remarks about: your to skinny, nit-picing me to death, etc... he is a major control freak, but I let him be. I finally (for me) got a "clue" and decided enough was enough, he treats me the way I let him treat me, like dirt, NO MORE!!! I finally stood up to him and its better, but there are still days I would like to see the back end of him going down the highway w/out ME

I sincerely hope you find the answer for your situtation, I know how control freaks can make our lives a living nitemare

Moretta · 06-09-2008, 12:50 PM

Hoping you get your situation worked out with your hubby.

Zer · 06-09-2008, 12:51 PM

Eleanor had a difficult row to hoe, as a homely woman with a difficult spouse and a MIL who rode herd on a son she was proud of. When I googled to get the wording, there was a site that offers a t-shirt with Eleanor's slogan on it. Do you think you might like to have a full drawer of shirts, to wear one each day?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Melle

I do not believe in everything Dr. Phil says, but one of the most powerful statements he has ever made is this:
"People treat you the way you allow them to treat you." .
That is one of the most true statements, I've ever heard.

Eleanor said it better. She was a classy lady.

06-01-2008, 10:07 AM	#1
macongagal Senior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Southern USA Posts: 443 Gallery: macongagal WOE: Somersizing Start Date: Im down 25 pounds now from 7-27	I hate my marriage I hate it , I hate it. Im just here to be here. I constantly being told what to do and that the house is a mess. I clean it up and then he makes a big fuss about not being able to find things and that I moved this or that. Im just sick of it. I know we need help but Im not even sure if Im up for help at this point. Well, My vent is over now.. Im going to go get out of the house and leave it here for him and the teenager....lol

06-03-2008, 08:54 AM	#7
Califrog Senior LCF Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: California Posts: 540 Gallery: Califrog Stats: 209/187/148 5'9" Age: 41 WOE: Vintage Atkins Minus Gluten Start Date: May 5, 2008	Talk to your pastor (minister, priest, rabbi) or your pastor's wife. Talk to an elder in your church and ask for help. That's what they're there for. With most things in most marriages (and this is a hard pill for me to swallow sometimes! ), it's not one person's fault, it's both people firmly cemented that they are "right". Jesus taught us the power in meekness, in turning the other cheek, in being the one to bend first. Try to remember why you fell in love with your husband to begin with - chances are, it was for some of the character traits that are now driving you crazy. Treat him lovingly and you will start to FEEL more loving. Emotions can and do follow actions. __________________ "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: "Love your neighbor as yourself." All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments. - Matthew 22:37-40

06-07-2008, 01:22 PM	#16
Stackeyha Senior LCF Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: TEXAS Posts: 649 Gallery: Stackeyha WOE: Low Carb/Whole Foods Only	Not to buck the trend but...hmmm...my dh gets really bossy when I'm not taking care of him. When I am NOT respecting common agreements (things like we (either one of us) don't leave our shoes in the middle of the floor...we don't watch TV until all the things get done...we don't make plans without talking to each other first)...not doing my share around the house...not watching the kids as closely as I should and letting them get out of hand. He gets this way when I PUSH him away and say things like "I need my SPACE"...when I don't even TRY to pay attention to his interests. In my hubby it is totally his defensive response to me NOT being the wife he deserves (my words, not his). I homeschool, so there are definately days when I lose my ability to be it all for everyone...but when I remember how much he loves me and say sincerely, "Honey, I had a hard day...sorry about the house..." instead of "I had a crappy day! Get it yourself! Why are you always griping at me?!"...it goes a million times farther...it goes even farther when I recognize that ONE crappy day can be completely resolved the next day by just doing the stuff I already KNOW that I should be doing...and he comes home to a happy wife the next day. He gets to trust that it really was just ONE crappy day. All I'm saying is that, at least in my relationship, I really CAN drive the bossiness. Loving him FIRST before he loves me is SO much MORE important than always getting my own way. And, generally, when he feels my love, it's easier for him to trust me with his heart. (By the way, I'm telling YOU this, not because there aren't things that he could be doing to...but because YOU asked...YOU can not change HIM...but you can change YOU and sometimes, that small change is all it takes to make it great all the way around again.) __________________ Stack Wife to Dave, Momma to Bean, Bear, and Monkey Face, Homemaker and Homeschooler

06-09-2008, 12:36 PM	#24
Mule_Freak MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Ohio Posts: 2,220 Gallery: Mule_Freak Stats: 145/125-130/135 WOE: moderate carbs Start Date: Oct. 2003	Melle, You said a mouth full. My spouse sounds just like yours, I so can't stomach to see him come home some days. He drives me insane w/his nasty remarks about: your to skinny, nit-picing me to death, etc... he is a major control freak, but I let him be. I finally (for me) got a "clue" and decided enough was enough, he treats me the way I let him treat me, like dirt, NO MORE!!! I finally stood up to him and its better, but there are still days I would like to see the back end of him going down the highway w/out ME I sincerely hope you find the answer for your situtation, I know how control freaks can make our lives a living nitemare __________________ Sherrie 5' 8 Be A Voice for the Voiceless Just Say NO to Animal Abuse I my Scottish Terrier Quinn From the land of Heather Junie-B my bel rescue horse He's come a LONG way : ) PETERBILT King of the Road

06-01-2008, 01:53 PM	#2
pegbord Senior LCF Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: Washington state Posts: 489 Gallery: pegbord Stats: 174/165/110-115 WOE: atkins - induction Start Date: may 2008	i hear your frustration!! what kind of things do you do for yourself that you enjoy - and how often do you do them? i am not trying to distract you from feeling what you are feeling, rather just wondering if you take much or any time for yourself. i think time for yourself is critical to a marriage and if you're spending all your time trying to please or satisfy requests or expectations of others, then where do your needs fit into the picture?? you deserve the kind of marriage and life that you want.

06-01-2008, 07:06 PM	#4
macongagal Senior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Southern USA Posts: 443 Gallery: macongagal WOE: Somersizing Start Date: Im down 25 pounds now from 7-27	I do get out quiet often.. My hubby is one that loves to collect THINGS. He has a problem with hoarding things. He doesnt seem to think he has a problem with this. I have to get out of the house just to be able to have a little bit of sanity. I encourage him to go somewhere and take out teenager with him to spend some time with him.. Im usually both Mom and Dad it seems to the two of them.. He is nothing but a big kid himself.

06-01-2008, 08:25 PM	#5
CarolynF Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Kansas Posts: 20,522 Gallery: CarolynF Stats: 195/150/139 WOE: Eat Fat, Get Thin/I Can Make You Thin Start Date: January 2001	I think you should get some counseling for you first. Then you can encourage him to go. Don't give up the ship without going through counseling. What was dh's childhood like? Sounds like he might have had some problems there..

06-02-2008, 07:22 PM	#6
macongagal Senior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Southern USA Posts: 443 Gallery: macongagal WOE: Somersizing Start Date: Im down 25 pounds now from 7-27	Years ago. I was seeing someone for threapy when i got time to bring him into the sessions. He told me he wouldnt go. He didnt have any problems. I havent asked him about going again, but then again I havent went either. As far as his childhood goes his mother was a real B. She still can be.. She used to have to have a clean house no matter what. Kids could not EVER play in their rooms on the bed or decorate their own rooms.. She had to have it all so so. She is the type that vacuums sometimes twice daily still to this day.

06-03-2008, 09:05 AM	#8
MistyLoo Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: South Central Texas Posts: 3,103 Gallery: MistyLoo Stats: 149.5/113/120 WOE: Atkins Start Date: Aug. 2002	Life is too short to be miserable. I'm just saying.

06-03-2008, 09:15 AM	#9
shoo Senior LCF Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: BC Posts: 193 Gallery: shoo Stats: 239/203/202/170 WOE: Atkins Start Date: June 2004	Please remember that your teens are still children,and are truly the powerless ones stuck in this situation. You and hubby can do whatever you want,but please,continue to love and support the kids. THey didn't ask for this. good luck. shoo

06-03-2008, 02:31 PM	#10
macongagal Senior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Southern USA Posts: 443 Gallery: macongagal WOE: Somersizing Start Date: Im down 25 pounds now from 7-27	Well thanks all for the great information that you have given me.. I have pondered this situation for about 2 to 3 yrs now. Im not sure what I will do now. I wont do anything drastic thats for sure..

06-04-2008, 08:42 AM	#11
Susie Q Senior LCF Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 789 Gallery: Susie Q Stats: 165/140/135 WOE: Atkins by the Book	Gagal, Listen, I don't know what you're belief system is...but many marriages have challenges that are daily. The way I deal with it is knowing that God has an opinion of the way i handle things, and trying to follow his guidelines for marriage. I know this sounds impossible at times, all of us get frustrated that's for sure. Counseling sounds like a good idea, I would suggest a good christian counselor if you can.

06-07-2008, 10:04 AM	#12
atcgirl42 MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Philly area Posts: 1,341 Gallery: atcgirl42 Stats: 168.4/146/145	He sounds like he has control issues. He complains about you and what you do to keep you down and under his control. You can never be good enough. I lived with a guy like that for 5 years. He'd make a mess and then complain about the house being messy. I was constantly put down and told I was the one with the problem. Does that sound like your DH?

06-07-2008, 12:45 PM	#13
macongagal Senior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Southern USA Posts: 443 Gallery: macongagal WOE: Somersizing Start Date: Im down 25 pounds now from 7-27	Atc, Yes , he sounds lots like my hubby. I swear I think sometimes he hides thinks to have me up looking for them.. It almost always is him that finds the object that is lost. I just want to be able to get through our vacation in two weeks. I will have to spend every waking hour with him. Thank goodness he is now gone to his Dads for a while for me to have some relief.

06-07-2008, 12:50 PM	#14
CarolynF Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Kansas Posts: 20,522 Gallery: CarolynF Stats: 195/150/139 WOE: Eat Fat, Get Thin/I Can Make You Thin Start Date: January 2001	There is an excellent book called "Control Freak" by a Christian author. Tells you how to deal with controlling people/family members, etc. Why do you look for things for him? Next time, tell him that he is much better finding things that you are, so let him look..and you go do "something else"..

06-09-2008, 11:12 AM	#18
Zer Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: SoCal (Orange County) Posts: 8,058 Blog Entries: 42 Gallery: Zer Stats: 5'10"; 64; 508.7/380/199 WOE: Atkins: <5%Carb; BMR:2423cals; 182gProt; 128ozH2O Start Date: 432.4(2/8) 413.2(4/8) 402.2(6/8) 387.8(10/12)	As I recall from the days when I listened to Dr.Laura (radio talk host/advisor), her advice to women with difficult spouses was to jump their bones - no bones about it - often enough that the guy is assured he's All That and More - which keeps him from being fractious about housework and money and piddly stuff. Apparently, a man who is confident that he's studly is inclined to overlook other things, while a man who is not sure of his studliness will nitpick like a nutter.

06-09-2008, 11:26 AM	#22
macongagal Senior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Southern USA Posts: 443 Gallery: macongagal WOE: Somersizing Start Date: Im down 25 pounds now from 7-27	I would say my hubby is not in any way studly.. I guess some women would think so cause he has a male part. He makes himself very unattractive acting like he does most of the time.

06-09-2008, 11:50 AM	#23
Melle Senior LCF Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Branson, Missouri Posts: 758 Gallery: Melle WOE: Low Carb/Somorsize Start Date: September 4, 2008	I do not believe in everything Dr. Phil says, but one of the most powerful statements he has ever made is this: "People treat you the way you allow them to treat you.". That is one of the most true statements, I've ever heard.

06-09-2008, 12:50 PM	#25
Moretta Senior LCF Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Canada Posts: 648 Gallery: Moretta Stats: 158.6/129/125 WOE: LC of some sort undecided which one Start Date: March 28, 2008	Hoping you get your situation worked out with your hubby.

06-09-2008, 01:31 PM	#27
shoo Senior LCF Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: BC Posts: 193 Gallery: shoo Stats: 239/203/202/170 WOE: Atkins Start Date: June 2004