My own Worse Enemy

[somethingblue2u]

I just have to get this out. I was in a physically abusive relationship for almost three years. I was punched, slapped, drug across the floor by my hair, and so much more that isn't fit to be written on paper. I let this man do this to me because I thought I deserved it. If I was prettier or skinny I would have value and I wouldn't be treated that way. He was my means of physically punishing myself the way I mentally punished myself. I had self destructive thoughts. I don't know why I hated myself so much. I never thought I was nice enough, smart enough. If anything happened bad it was my fault, even if there was no possible I had any involvement I worked it in my head that I caused it. It is mentally draining to always think like that. And its very hard to correct.
I finally realize that there is no way I could stay with my abuser anymore. I finally go to the point that I was numb, he didn't make me cry anymore, he didn't raise any emotion, I was apathetic. I moved to another city and started out on my own. So here I am 9 months later, 27 years old with 2 cats living alone, without any friends here. And darn it, I'm feeling sorry for myself. I can't shake the feeling that nobody will love me unless I'm size 2. I tell me myself of course you are alone now you are a fat cow, who wants that! I am my own worse enemy. I wasn't teased in school or my my siblings, nobody mentioned my size, they didn't have to, I did it to myself.
Lately I've punished myself for being in my relationship. I've told myself many times that this solitude I am experiencing is punishment for staying with that man. Not having any friends here is punishment for being in that relationship. I felt like I deserved retribution for that. I just have this weird desire to have somebody tell me that what I did was wrong and I have to pay for it. But its hard to be your own punisher. And its hard to deal with all this stuff on my own. I will never tell my parents I used to get beat down, never. And I don't want to tell my friends what he did, there is a lot of shame in it. And then it brings back memories, and then I have to stuff them back down because I don't want them to see what it really did to me, physically and emotionally.
So I don't know if i'm fixable, if I'm damaged goods. I want to be happy and I want to have friends, and of course a relationship with a good man. But I have to like myself first. And that is something I struggle with everyday. And deep down I know that its not really my weight. Its deeper than that. I could lose 50lbs and still feel the same way about myself. I am in a trap set by my own mind and I don't know how to get out.

[Bhambabe]

The fern and the bamboo..

One day I decided to quit.... I quit my job, my
relationship, my spirituality... I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
"God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to
quit?" His answer surprised me... "Look around", He said.
"Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
"Yes", I replied.
"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very
good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water.
The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green
covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed.
But I did not quit on the bamboo.
In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and
plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed.
But I did not quit on the bamboo".
He said. "In the third year, there was still nothing from
the bamboo seed. But I would no t quit.
In the fourth year, again, there was nothing from the
bamboo seed. But I would not quit.
He said. "Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from
the earth.
Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and
insignificant. But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to
over 100 feet tall. It had spent the five years growing
roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it
needed to survive.
I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could
not handle."
He said to me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time
you have been struggling, you have actually been growing
roots. I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on
you. Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The
bamboo had a different purpose than the fern, yet, they
both make the forest beautiful."
"Your time will come," God said to me. " You will rise
high!" "How high should I rise?" I asked. "How high will
the bamboo rise?" He aske d in return. "As high as it can?"
I questioned. "Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as
high as you can."
I left the forest and brought back this story. I hope these
words can help you see that God will never give up on
you........
Never regret a day in your life. Good days give you
Happiness. Bad days give you Experiences. Both are
essential to life. Keep going...
Happiness keeps you Sweet, Trials keep you Strong, Sorrows
keep you Human, Failures keep you Humble, Success keeps You
Glowing,
But Only God keeps You Going! Have a great day! The Son is
shining!!
God is so big He can cover the whole world with his Love
and so small he can curl up inside your heart.

When death comes, let it find you LIVING!

Be kind to yourself
Janeann

[Meekness29]

Your story really touched me, emotionally. Thanks for sharing. I've been where you are before. You are not alone.

Jesus loves you just as you are, sweetie He died on the cross just for you! Reach out to Him and receive TRUE LOVE LIKE NEVER BEFORE

I intercede in prayer on your behalf for salvation, deliverance, healing, and PEACE mind.

Be encouraged

Meekness

[mmaria]

This is my life situation, I felt the same way

I recently seperate from my husband 22 years of marriage and 4 kids.

I finally became strong to leave him. but by accepting all abuse and being just the one to accept everything so things will get calm around and kids will enjoy life I didn't gain much.

emtionally disturb, overweight, my kids are being brainwashed by him, so he is the same person and strong atitude.I'm positive my kids will grow this stage too one day and I'm positive it would be sooner than the time it took me.

my kids know that they will never loose me whenever they turn to me I'll be there and they are scared to say one word against him since they are scard that they will loose him.

I'm in the battle, I know I will win since I have God and honesty with me.

I stoped to blame myself (its not easy every day and every second I fight with this)

but as the Bamboo stick growing the root, I beleive that it took me this long to grow myself. I feel ashamed of myself by taking so much time and I don't feel like talking about it neither but Now I don't care.

Say what you want to say and do what you have to do those ones who matters don't mind and those who mind they don't matter. I got this from a book I read If I'm not mistaking it was THE SECRET.

talk to your family, friends and who you want to talk.

Take the frostration out, tell yourself that you had such an inocent heart that you were totally taking all the blame on yourself.

It was not the right thing now you need to change it and think positive.

it will bring positive.

YOU are so strong that you only left him after 2 years. it took me 22 years and I know peoples who are living in this situation for life just to look good in the family picture.

make fun of yourself and laugh.

27 years old your too young.

The time will passe so fast you cannot afford to waist these lovely years of your life thinking negative.

beleive me I'm 38 going to 39 next month and when I think back such a waist of my life or I shoud correct myself I grew the root very slowly.

Dear, you are not the only one in this situation you are just tooooo nice to everyone and just to post this it means you want to get out of it.


Take care of yourself and I will do that too.
God bless you and all of us. God loves you and everyone loves you. change yourself and be proud.

I will check on you and I'll let you know how I'm doing.
I'm just new in the world of myself too, where I'm important I need support too bring positive energy to everything buddy!

lets laugh and be proud that we got out of a bad relationship because we know we deserve the best.

Seeker is finder.

Let's find what was being taking away from us by some stupid person and forgive him so God will bless our Ex I cannot imagine how disturb they are and such a bad spirit is living inside them.

We are much better than them, we know we didn't abused them so no guilt there.

I want to regain (Happiness, self steam, health, beauty, our soft side to love and beleiving everyone.) God bless us all.

[Kissmygrits]

somethingblue (and ALL of you who have left abusive relationships)--you should NOT be punishing yourself; you should be SO PROUD for having the strength and courage for LEAVING!! YOU did nothing wrong; you should be patting yourselves on the back! And sister, let me tell you something--we're ALL damaged goods in one way or another. Don't we all love the wrinkled hundred dollar bill just as much as the brand new one? And for that matter, you are NOT a fat cow; you are absolutely beautiful. Do you have a church you're going to? That would be a great place to meet people. You are too young to let this define your life--don't let that jerk take any more from you than he already has. I'm going to pray big for you...

[kougra1984]

somethingblue2u-
I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I have never been in a physically abusive relationship before but a mentally and emotionally abusive one for 3 years. I blamed myself for the way he treated me. I thought it was all my fault and that if I was skinny/prettier/smarter/funnier things would have been better. Looking back now I realize I was so wrong for so long. I wasted 3 years on someone who didn't give a damn about me and only used me. It is NOT your fault. You are NOT a fat cow. You are an absolutely gorgeous young woman who was smart enough to get out of a bad relationship, no matter if it took you 2 years or 42 years. As far as I am concerned that makes you STRONG. What you wrote really touched something in me. My bestfriend has gone through things similar to you, and also has been molested by different men at different times in her life. Like you she thinks that she is damaged goods. Everytime I hear someone say that I cringe and I cry inside. You are NOT damaged goods. Speak to God and let Him help you unload this burden off of your mind and heart. He loves you and He will be there for you. I said a prayer for you just now and I will continue to pray for you. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to e-amil me at sweetsassythang17@yahoo.com or if you messenger my handle is the same. Take care and God bless.

[JanMarie3]

blue

I was young, pretty and thin when I found myself in an abusive realtionship with my husband. It was VERY hard, but I finally found the courage to leave him although I had to do it in the middle of the night while he was sleeping.

I would suggest you get yourself some gf's! I had no gf's for most of my life until I joined a church. I now have so many friends, it's hard for me to give them all equal time.

Gf's are also a great sounding board.

Good luck

[thomasina24]

It is better to be alone than to wish you were alone.