Help me pls!!! divorce after 22 years and 4 kids

[mmaria]

Hi dear reader,

Divorcing after 22 years daughter 21, 3 sons 14,11,8.

we always had problem. arranged mariage. cultural problems. everything was problem but I was very naive to accept everything.

I was seperated 5 years ago for one year then again my stupidity because of my children I got back together with him.

then I had a lot of problem and he was not intrested for the kids. then after we got togther he prepared my kids against me and I was promising that no mather what I'll never ask for divorce or separation till death. he took advantage and totally brain washed my kids. anyways I'm full of pain.
My daughter is 21 and she didn't talk to me for the paste 4 months. we never had any problem I always thaught she was my best friend I had her when I was 17. I cannot say anthing more Just pray for me please so I will not loose my health and my mind. God help me.
I was the main care giver, provider hard worker and I was taking care of him like a king. Now everything is against me.
I want to see a professional to help me but I'm scared to start talking and crying...if any one passed this kind of situation please help me. I know it isn't like a death but I feel a lot of pain.
thank you for reading this ugly story of my life. I'm keep on gaining weight too.I'm in bad shape now. everyday I start my day ok then I loose it at night.

[CarolynF]

Maria: Sending you a big hug..So sorry this happened. PLEASE see a professional..They are so used to seeing people cry and let it all out. Will pray for you and your family..

[Kissmygrits]

Originally Posted by CarolynF

PLEASE see a professional..They are so used to seeing people cry and let it all out.

This is absolutely true, and they will help you sort this all out. Sometimes what we have to bear is too much; you might be surprised at the relief you feel to just unload on someone. I will pray for you.

[Grandma of Nine]

I'm sorry you are going thru such a trying time - my prayers are with you.

As the other posters have indicated, a professional will be very valuable to you as you begin to sort of your feelings, options, fears and desires.

Please seek professional guidance and support --- and remember to take care of yourself first...

Good Luck.....

[mmaria]

Hi everyone,

thank you for your words. it is 5 months that my daughter 21 didn't talk to me and my son had his birthday last Sunday I had a nice surprise party for him. the next day he was going to his father after school and he didn't come back Wed and also Friday he was suppose to come back to me for the weekend. I try to talk to him and he told me that ``Shut up stupid you destroyed my life and I want you to be out of my life``
I hunged up the phone. this is very very unacceptable to me. I'm 38 now and I never talked this way to any family member.

All this is the result of me being too nice to my control freak husband. he is destroying my kids. I'm worried for their future, what is going to happend????
someone who is totally brain washed at 14.
What should I do I have no clue. no body knows what to suggest me. since it is very delicate situation. I'm totally disturbed by my kids behaviour.
the only good thing about these behaviour is that I was suspecting that my husband was always talking very bad about me to anyone behind my back even my children and that was one of the most important reason that I want to divorce him. I was suspecting that everyone in my household are disrespecting me, while I'm the main provider the main care giver for everyone and I have no control over anything. just control over cleaning up and cooking to please everyone. I didn't have any control over my money or anything in my house or my kids. everything was suppose to be approved by him I mean everything.
I'm posting this which might be very boaring but mybe someone have an Idea of how I should come out of this stage of my life faster. I need to get back to my weight controling program and exercice. I need to take care of myself but it is very hard at this time. no energy at all.

[ixtapacheryl]

My brother just went through something similar to your situation. She is divorcing him.

You have to "rise above" all the crap your husband is dolling out to your children. They are not stupid and eventually will see what he is doing. You have to give them time! Be a "hero" in this saga. Provide a "safe haven" when and if they start coming back. They will eventually get tired of all this craziness being around him and listening to him.

No amount of overeating is going to change this. Also no amount of crying or feeling desperate will turn this around. The only thing you can do at the moment is take care of yourself. If the children see that you are not acting desperate and are taking control of what you "can change" - I guarantee they will look at you in a different light.

My father did the same thing with my mother. He even told her that he would spend his lifetime getting the kids to "hate her". Guess what - it didn't work.

Have trust in your children and in God. Evil will not prevail. Sit down and come up with a plan - what can you change - what do you want to change - and get busy.

I just remembered what Dr. Phil said "how's it working for you?" If what you are doing is not working ..... change your direction.

[Determinedtolose]

Originally Posted by ixtapacheryl

My brother just went through something similar to your situation. She is divorcing him.

You have to "rise above" all the crap your husband is dolling out to your children. They are not stupid and eventually will see what he is doing. You have to give them time! Be a "hero" in this saga. Provide a "safe haven" when and if they start coming back. They will eventually get tired of all this craziness being around him and listening to him.

No amount of overeating is going to change this. Also no amount of crying or feeling desperate will turn this around. The only thing you can do at the moment is take care of yourself. If the children see that you are not acting desperate and are taking control of what you "can change" - I guarantee they will look at you in a different light.

My father did the same thing with my mother. He even told her that he would spend his lifetime getting the kids to "hate her". Guess what - it didn't work.

Have trust in your children and in God. Evil will not prevail. Sit down and come up with a plan - what can you change - what do you want to change - and get busy.

I just remembered what Dr. Phil said "how's it working for you?" If what you are doing is not working ..... change your direction.

Well said Cheryl!!!

MMaria, I'll be praying for you too! And like Cheryl said, you have to take care of yourself as hard as it will be. Just look at it long term, you will be healthy in mind and spirit and your ex will be full of all the garbage he is dishing out to your kids. One day, this will soon backfire on him and like Cheryl said, your kids will come back to you!

But definately if you need too, see some one who can help you.

May Gods peace fill your heart!!!

[JanMarie3]

Oh Maria, you will be on my heart and in my prayers.

You have gotten some terrific advise above....................your kids will come around trust me. They will see through all their dad's bs soon enough.

In the meantime take good care of youself and seeking professional counseling is a great idea.

[mmaria]

If you knew how much these words mean to me it is more than any kind of medication. I hope you guys check on me once in a while I'm feeling that I should post my progress here so maybe with all your help and strategies I'll get out of this situation faster.

I read a few books in these past week but unfortunatly If I knew these approches before about parenting and relationship I wouldn't be allowing anyone to hurt me this much. anyways I feel like a baby trying to crowl to get somewhere safe from danger and lonlyness.

in one of the books it was talking about the different stages of divorce and it scared me so much when I read that it might take anywhere from 1-3 years to really come back to normal thinking and forgiving phase.
It is being 5 months and I think I need to prove this wrong.
I think with your help and few touching words I can succeed faster.
So let's change the path I will start taking care of myself. I will enroll in gym and I start a proper eating plan.

let's do it honestly now I'm eating granola bar with nuts and it is sweet. I had 2 now I'm starting my 3rd. I should stop it. How??? I have to figure out. I'm eating at night last night 1`:30 AM I had 2 meat ball sandwiches...

I'll start from not eating after 7pm. one thing at a time.

then maybe the second step would be restart induction!!!

[Determinedtolose]

Hi MMaria!

Yes please post and let us know how you're doing! You can PM or if you want or just post here to voice your words.

I know that those books will say things and maybe it's true some, but what is impossible with man, is possible with God! Keep your eyes on Him and He will get out you through this!

As far as eating goes, if you're doing a particular way of eating, just start from the beginning. If you are going to do induction, do it correctly, so that way it will give you some kind of organization and discipline. That will be a good start. If you decide to join a gym, that would be really great. Exercise is good for clearing the mind and releasing stress and tension.

But most of all, remember to take care of yourself. Have some kind of schedule or something that you can keep doing all the time. Maybe that will also help keep your mind off your situation, at least for awhile. Just think, "Rocky"!!!

You can do it and you will succeed because you are a loving person who loves her children and you are loved too!!!!

Please keep in touch!!!!

[ixtapacheryl]

Originally Posted by mmaria

If you knew how much these words mean to me it is more than any kind of medication. I hope you guys check on me once in a while I'm feeling that I should post my progress here so maybe with all your help and strategies I'll get out of this situation faster.

I read a few books in these past week but unfortunatly If I knew these approches before about parenting and relationship I wouldn't be allowing anyone to hurt me this much. anyways I feel like a baby trying to crowl to get somewhere safe from danger and lonlyness.

in one of the books it was talking about the different stages of divorce and it scared me so much when I read that it might take anywhere from 1-3 years to really come back to normal thinking and forgiving phase.
It is being 5 months and I think I need to prove this wrong.
I think with your help and few touching words I can succeed faster.
So let's change the path I will start taking care of myself. I will enroll in gym and I start a proper eating plan.

let's do it honestly now I'm eating granola bar with nuts and it is sweet. I had 2 now I'm starting my 3rd. I should stop it. How??? I have to figure out. I'm eating at night last night 1`:30 AM I had 2 meat ball sandwiches...

I'll start from not eating after 7pm. one thing at a time.

then maybe the second step would be restart induction!!!

I've been thinking about you ..... remember eating all that junk is not going to solve anything. It will just make you feel worse about yourself. Maybe you feel you don't deserve better ... I remember when a counselor asked me that. I was dating a fellow and it was not successful. The counselor asked me if I thought I didn't deserve better. I was not worthy of a better relationship, etc. That sure hit home.

Don't kid yourself .... when you start making positive changes - not only physically but mentally people around you will begin to notice. You won't have to say a word that you are dieting, joining a gym, etc. In fact it's better to keep these changes to yourself. Let them discover the "new you" all by themselves.

Remember one thing my friend ... your "worth" does not depend on others - it depends on YOU.

Now if you don't want me to come over and kick your butt ... you will start thinking about YOU!

Hey when you join that gym you will meet a whole new bunch of people and some of them could end up being new friends. Now that's a positive thought. Not only are you exercising but making new friends. Good for you!

[ixtapacheryl]

I've been thinking about you the last few days and was concerned because you haven't been on for a few days. How are you doing? I'm just checking in with you!!!

I hope your absence means you are hanging out at the gym making a ton of new friends.

[mmaria]

thank you for your time to check on me. you are a great person God bless you.

I was very bussy these 2 days just trying to de renovation to sell our house asap he is driving me crazy, I want to have nothing with him. but for our kids we must have contact which he dosn't understand at all.

I still didn't start eating plan or exercice, I do control good all day then at night I blew it up all.

I stoped smoking and I'm very happy that for now I don't even think about it.

NOW is the real step I should lose weight. I've gained so much weight that nothing fits me anymore. my closet is like if it dosn't belong to me anymore since nothing fits. 2 weeks ago I went shopping just to buy couple of pants and tops but I didn't buy since I had to buy size 16 plus or real 18.
I'll try to start a new day tomorrow. I'll keep you posted.

[ixtapacheryl]

I've also had trouble eating at night while watching tv. What I found that helped me was getting on the computer and coming to the LCF - reading and posting. If my hands are busy I can't be putting stuff in my mouth. Also for the first few days - try going to bed earlier.

[Boushela]

Mmaria,

My heart really goes out to you and your situation. It's so easy to get caught up in the pain and emotion, but remember that even though you may feel alone you are not! Your children are confused and looking for someone to blame for their lives being upset, try not to take their lashing out to heart. You've had years with them, and whether they are showing it or not they love you, and know what kind of a mom you've been.

Just keep being available for them if they need you, not to abuse but just be available for them to vent their frustrations. Right now they are attacking because it's the easiest thing to do. No one likes dealing with the true emotional issues inside. But until you deal with the issues there can be no true resolution.

Be strong and take care of yourself! Pamper yourself, and remember who you are and what makes you alive and valid in this world. Unfortunately, you've got a long road ahead and it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better. So try to just take it one day at a time. Things won't be like this forever. Find something that makes you happy and fully give yourself to it! (NOT FOOD)

Take care of you!

[Determinedtolose]

Originally Posted by Boushela

Mmaria,

My heart really goes out to you and your situation. It's so easy to get caught up in the pain and emotion, but remember that even though you may feel alone you are not! Your children are confused and looking for someone to blame for their lives being upset, try not to take their lashing out to heart. You've had years with them, and whether they are showing it or not they love you, and know what kind of a mom you've been.

Just keep being available for them if they need you, not to abuse but just be available for them to vent their frustrations. Right now they are attacking because it's the easiest thing to do. No one likes dealing with the true emotional issues inside. But until you deal with the issues there can be no true resolution.

Be strong and take care of yourself! Pamper yourself, and remember who you are and what makes you alive and valid in this world. Unfortunately, you've got a long road ahead and it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better. So try to just take it one day at a time. Things won't be like this forever. Find something that makes you happy and fully give yourself to it! (NOT FOOD)

Take care of you!

I agree!

[mmaria]

This is getting scarier everyday, now you are telling me that it will get even worst before it would get any better.

I need to be stronger. I watched the Jennifer Lopez's movie (Enough) and I've seen it before it was just a movie before but now it did effect me a lot.

I need to train myself to be ready for worst. thank you guys for your help.

I cannot afford a lot of things now like proffessional help and money to fight harder in court for my kids.
I need people with heart and experiance to help me with their advise so I would do the right things to help the situation not to make it harder even for my nonsense husband. I don't want him to suffer really I hope he will have some faith in God and respect for himself and our kids.

I don't love him or miss him at all but I would never forget that he is the father of my children and my children are God's gift to me.

I love my children no matter what happend. my worris are just that if something bad happend to them or they get sick because of too much stress.

God help me! I'm seeking help from God. I feel that God is helping me now. I write in this site and I have very nice peoples like angels trying to help me and thy feel my pain. I love you guys. I look farward to write about happiness not pain so we could laugh together.

[Determinedtolose]

Yes, if you call out to God and believe, He will help you!
He will be with you throughout all of this, if you want Him too. Just knowing that He comforts us and gives us His peace, to help us get through things.

Just continue to trust in Him, and He will be with you!

[Boushela]

Mmaria,

Please don't be discouraged about me saying "it will probably get worse before it gets better." I was only trying to help you be aware of the journey that's ahead of you. I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt you've got the strength to keep moving forward. It's funny because sometimes we don't feel strong enough to make it, but it's amazing what we do when we have to! I find my strength in God too, and this could be an opportunity for you to strengthen that relationship!

Just know that this won't last forever! Maybe try some physical activities like exercising, kickboxing or something like that to help you blow off some steam.

Mmaria not only can you make it, but you ARE making it right now! So just keep it up! You're in my heart & prayers.

[kristinaInWa2003]

Originally Posted by mmaria

I cannot afford a lot of things now like proffessional help and money to fight harder in court for my kids.

I am so sorry about what you're dealing with Please research on the internet in your area, there are "sliding fee scale" counseling people. Also, legal advice (called Legal Aid I believe?) Call your local county offices and start asking questions about legal help. I've never used this type of thing, but have heard of people who have.
I will pray for you

[mmaria]

thank you guys,

today I feel good since after long time for the first time I didn't eat in the midle of the night couple of times. wow I'm proud.
to reward myself I will join gym today after 5 years.
I'm strictly doing Atkins and for a week I'll do induction.
I'll keep posting. it helps.

[Kissmygrits]

Maria!! Going to the gym and getting exercise will help you so much, not to mention help you think more clearly to get through the times ahead. You are still in my prayers; BE STRONG~~~

[Boushela]

Joining a gym sounds awesome! Just take it slow and remember that you don't have to rush to get immediate results. It's great that you are finally getting the chance to do something for "YOU!"

[mmaria]

I didn't start the gym yesterday, I'll do it today however I did good in my eating plan. I'm starting the ketosis I think now. such a good feeling. I did it finally after long this it my 3rd day CARB FREE. wow amazing. God is there to help me. I ask him every day to help.
he is listening!

[hippiegirl]

Sounds like you're really going in the right direction!

Call around to women's shelters, too, to ask for referrals for attorneys. That's how I found mine. I still had to pay, but because I was referred by a women's shelter, she worked with me on payments instead of having to come up with a lump sum for a retainer.

I'm really proud of you. I had the same kind of situation, but not for as long. It's hard to explain to other people (or yourself, for that matter) why it's so hard to leave.

Keep trucking along - you're doing the right thing by looking out for yourself. You've been taking care of everyone but yourself for way too long!

I admire your tenacity. And again, I'm very proud of you!