Untreated Depression

[Toridoll2004]

So, I just registered on another board relating directly to depression. and I made a post there... but thought I would post it here too since I come here everyday too. I'm just so tired
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First, I want to say that its hard for me to even be here. No offense to anyone, of course, here. But I feel like I have some sort of mental issue. I've been researching depression at length today and it sounds like me.

I weigh 275 pounds...and I disgust myself. Sometimes I wonder why my parents bothered having me. My mother should have aborted me. or why my boyfriend even loves me. He tries to give me compliments and tell me he loves me. But all I ever do half the time is throw his compliments away. If he says I'm beautiful, I think of someone more beautiful. I make him sound like a bad person for even thinking that. I start on a rant about myself....and its usually one I feel like I can't control. I tell him I he settled for less when he got with me. that if he had the chance he'd be with someone much better looking than me. I tell him how disgusted with myself I am all the time. and I feel like if I can not express these thoughts verbally, it will just taunt me in my head until I can't hold it in anymore. In fact, I know it does because its happened. I try to think of something happy or redirect my thoughts, but my mind always brings it back up. I feel as if I cannot control my own thoughts. I really do. I try to shake them off and I can't I drive him nuts. and I don't want to be this way. I drive everyone nuts around me with my attitude. and whats sad is. I dont think I'm ugly in the face, but I think since my body is ugly it is all anyone sees.

I dont like to meet new people. I am always afraid of what they might think. Especially people that used to know me as thin. I hate it when my mother introduces me as her daughter cause she is much smaller than me and I'm afraid people will wonder what the hell is wrong with me that i am so much bigger. I don't have any friends. I do have one...but I ignore her most of the time. I am a bad friend. I don't know why I do it. I get aggitated easily. I'm very defensive. I think everyone is out to get me most of the time. Most days I isolate myself in my bedroom. I don't know why. I guess I figure its easier not to deal with the world if they don't see me. I complain I'm bored, but yet could be doing plenty of things. but yet I dont do them. I have crying episodes. I sleep too much. I'm unemployed....get laid off last July...and haven't had a job since. I need to make more of an effort into looking but yet I don't. I don't do anything. I really have no life. All I do is torture myself. I don't want to be like this but yet at the same time do not know how to change it. I feel like I have no control. I know I need to lose weight. I did at one time manage to lose 50 pounds but since have gained some of it back. Once I get so angry and upset with myself, that I cut myself.

I do not know what caused me to be this way. I used to be so happy and outgoing....even when heavy. Lots of things have happened....I'm not sure if its a combination of it all. I have gained significant amount of weight, people taunt me (I've been mooed at like a cow in the grocery store for example) I lost my best friend in 12 grade in a car accident. and its been 6 years but sometimes still have trouble sleeping because I think of her at night. I don't have a close relationship with my mom. i try. but its just not possible I guess. she told me once that I should have been someone else's daughter. I lived with my ex for three years, he abused me verbally and emotionally. made me lose a baby by his violence. I got the strength to leave him and thought I found someone great...only to find out he was older than he said he was, married, with three kids. and cheated on me with other women, besides his wife that i didn't know about.

The guy I'm with now is great. He probably doesn't even deserve half the crap I give him about myself. but yet, I cant find it in me to love me. no matter how hard I try. It depresses him to hear me depressed. I'm afraid I'm going to ruin my relationship.

I've never wanted help. my depression 'episodes' used to be monthly or every few months...but its gotten so much worse that i dont know how to control it. now its everday day to every few days. But I've gotten to a point that I feel like its ruining my life...and i don't know what to do. i hate even admitting I need help.

Does this sound like depression to you? or some other disorder?
Can anyone give me any suggestion on how to go about getting help with no insurance. I don't want to feel like this anymore Just writing this I have tears streaming down my face.

I'm tired of this controlling my mind, my body, who I am inside, and what I will become.

I want to love me again.
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[LeanLioness]

Originally Posted by Toridoll2004

So, I just registered on another board relating directly to depression. and I made a post there... but thought I would post it here too since I come here everyday too. I'm just so tired
-------------

First, I want to say that its hard for me to even be here. No offense to anyone, of course, here. But I feel like I have some sort of mental issue. I've been researching depression at length today and it sounds like me.

I weigh 275 pounds...and I disgust myself. Sometimes I wonder why my parents bothered having me. My mother should have aborted me. or why my boyfriend even loves me. He tries to give me compliments and tell me he loves me. But all I ever do half the time is throw his compliments away. If he says I'm beautiful, I think of someone more beautiful. I make him sound like a bad person for even thinking that. I start on a rant about myself....and its usually one I feel like I can't control. I tell him I he settled for less when he got with me. that if he had the chance he'd be with someone much better looking than me. I tell him how disgusted with myself I am all the time. and I feel like if I can not express these thoughts verbally, it will just taunt me in my head until I can't hold it in anymore. In fact, I know it does because its happened. I try to think of something happy or redirect my thoughts, but my mind always brings it back up. I feel as if I cannot control my own thoughts. I really do. I try to shake them off and I can't I drive him nuts. and I don't want to be this way. I drive everyone nuts around me with my attitude. and whats sad is. I dont think I'm ugly in the face, but I think since my body is ugly it is all anyone sees.

I dont like to meet new people. I am always afraid of what they might think. Especially people that used to know me as thin. I hate it when my mother introduces me as her daughter cause she is much smaller than me and I'm afraid people will wonder what the hell is wrong with me that i am so much bigger. I don't have any friends. I do have one...but I ignore her most of the time. I am a bad friend. I don't know why I do it. I get aggitated easily. I'm very defensive. I think everyone is out to get me most of the time. Most days I isolate myself in my bedroom. I don't know why. I guess I figure its easier not to deal with the world if they don't see me. I complain I'm bored, but yet could be doing plenty of things. but yet I dont do them. I have crying episodes. I sleep too much. I'm unemployed....get laid off last July...and haven't had a job since. I need to make more of an effort into looking but yet I don't. I don't do anything. I really have no life. All I do is torture myself. I don't want to be like this but yet at the same time do not know how to change it. I feel like I have no control. I know I need to lose weight. I did at one time manage to lose 50 pounds but since have gained some of it back. Once I get so angry and upset with myself, that I cut myself.

I do not know what caused me to be this way. I used to be so happy and outgoing....even when heavy. Lots of things have happened....I'm not sure if its a combination of it all. I have gained significant amount of weight, people taunt me (I've been mooed at like a cow in the grocery store for example) I lost my best friend in 12 grade in a car accident. and its been 6 years but sometimes still have trouble sleeping because I think of her at night. I don't have a close relationship with my mom. i try. but its just not possible I guess. she told me once that I should have been someone else's daughter. I lived with my ex for three years, he abused me verbally and emotionally. made me lose a baby by his violence. I got the strength to leave him and thought I found someone great...only to find out he was older than he said he was, married, with three kids. and cheated on me with other women, besides his wife that i didn't know about.

The guy I'm with now is great. He probably doesn't even deserve half the crap I give him about myself. but yet, I cant find it in me to love me. no matter how hard I try. It depresses him to hear me depressed. I'm afraid I'm going to ruin my relationship.

I've never wanted help. my depression 'episodes' used to be monthly or every few months...but its gotten so much worse that i dont know how to control it. now its everday day to every few days. But I've gotten to a point that I feel like its ruining my life...and i don't know what to do. i hate even admitting I need help.

Does this sound like depression to you? or some other disorder?
Can anyone give me any suggestion on how to go about getting help with no insurance. I don't want to feel like this anymore Just writing this I have tears streaming down my face.

I'm tired of this controlling my mind, my body, who I am inside, and what I will become.

I want to love me again.
----------------

Honey, you are a beautiful person, inside and out!! That is why your BF loves you...........

I have been and am in your shoes.........I have a wonderful DH of almost 10 years (14 years of being together) and I don't know how he puts up with me either...........here lately it is getting worse because he is working out too and I am wondering why he even wants to be with a big, fat slob!!

I am on my way to getting treatment, I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and borderlien personality disorder..........I could not get an appointment to see a P-doc until Feb. 13 (and I called about the appointment back in december)...............

Please go see someone ASAP and begin to get treatment. Don't let it linger any longer!!!!

Please PM me if you need someone to talk to!!

[micki]

from one 'burgh girl to another. Sorry I can't be more help than that.

[DolphinsOnMyMind777]

Ditto. Please go get help. Get in to see a doc ASAP. It has changed my life immensly. One little pill and I am a completely different person. I still struggle with depression but it doesnt drag me down for months at a time anymore. I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel now. I also dropped alot of weight once i started the meds. I know eating lowcarb for me helps alot.
I am the same way with my husband. It is like I test him everyday to see how far i can push him.....yet he is still here with me. I dont think I am worthy and that is my biggest struggle is to accept me. You are not alone.

I must tell you that you have beautiful eyes.

[Ilpirata]

I'm going to ditto the above as well. Please Please Please don't let this go untreated one day longer. You deserve to be happy and there is help available for you.

You're afraid you will ruin your relationship. Well, you WILL. That I guarantee.

Worse, you're living a life of misery when you don't need to.

I lost my number one person to untreated depression... which led to suicide. I didn't know enough then to ask him to go get help... but I know now and I'm asking you to please please seek treatment.

Thoughts and prayers are with you.

It CAN get better!