The worst person in the World.........

[LeanLioness]

I am feeling that way still.

Everything in my life is in shambles. I have a job (make good money, but I hate the hours I work and what I do)

My marriage is in pieces - DH and I separated in 2006 and we reconciled in May of 2007. We both slept with other people and DH is having a hard time dealing with it, he can't seem to move past it.)

The stress of everything is making my bipolar disorder worse and worse. I feel like I am slipping away and there is nothing I can do about it.

I am bipolar, border-line personality disorder and a cutter.......I am at a vulnerable point where I am self-medicating with drugs and alcohol and eating myself to death. I have no control over anything and I just want it all to end. I don't even care if I see another day alive on this earth..............


I feel that everything I encounter and everything I touch just turns to sh*t and I am the one to blame for everything.............

The physical and emotional abuse I suffered in my child hood, the lies I have told my DH, can't seem to talk to anyone that is close to me, but I always feel comfortable talking to complete strangers.............

I just want to go to the house when I get off work this morning, pack my clothes and leave.

DH will be better off without me in his life anyway. He even stated himself, I am good for nothing more than paying bills and going to work.

I am a fat, ugly, worthless piece of crap that needs to be wiped from the face of the earth.........I have no purpose or meaning in my life what so ever.

I am at the point I don't know what to do. I have cut my arm to the point, I think that I should have went and got stitches in it. It looks nasty and awful, looking at it makes me feel worse and I start to drink and take drugs. Then I am feeling even worse and I eat and eat (practically binge) until I throw up.........

I am at my wits end and don't know what to do.

[LeanLioness]

To add to this..............

I can never seem to start anything I finish any more..........

I started school years and years ago, never graduated ( I need 3 classes to graduate with my bachelors degree)

My marriage is falling apart - failure once again...............

My family has nothing much to do with me - failure and my fault once again.........

I have got to have one of the lonliest lives in the world.

[LiveNLaugh]

Oh, honey...

You are not worthless. You are put on this earth for a purpose. I can't imagine the pain you are going through right now. Is there someone at your church you can talk to? Do you have access to a counselor or psychologist? Medicine can help you, but it can't do it alone. Please reach out to someone who can help you.

I'm so glad you posted here so we can tell you that you ARE special and have an important part in this life.

Maybe it's as simple as adjusting your medications, honey. Or maybe it's a hard road ahead of getting this all on the table with someone who can help you sort things out. It could be a combination of both. But please, please, PLEASE take the steps to find out and get started on this road to healing. I have been in that place of despair, and it isn't easy to rise above, but it is so worth it.

Many, many hugs and prayers for you.

[momof5]

Hello

You have so many things that you are fighting right now. Is there any way that you can step out of it for a few days? I mean like, take a few days off and leave. Just go and find a motel so you can find a quiet place to seek the lord in the middle of this storm. I know it is next to impossible to see a way out when your in the middle of it. The next thing I would have to say is that you have got to STOP calling yourself theese things. You are made by a wonderful God. He dosent make mistakes. He loves YOU so much that he sent His son for you. Now think, how could you be any thing else but what God says that you are? Dont let anyone else try and tell you otherwise. If they try they are working from a place that is not of the Lord. And if its not the Lord.....its that other guy. It took me a long time to know that simple truth. Please, Please, Please, Pray. God has sent a comforter to dwell in you. When you speak thoose things that are so hurtful to you, it grieves the spirit. I know you dont want someone preaching to you, I just dont know what else to tell you and your words are scaring me. I feel an urgent pull at your words. I will pray for you. And with you if you want. Remember this.. God is a loving Forgiving Father. A very wonderful man once said there is one thing that GOD CANT DO that man can...God cant remember sin once it is forgiven. The enemy will keep bringing it up and trying to make you relive it. That is not Gods plan for us. You are loved by God. You are a child of God. Say it till you believe it.
God bless

[dooy]

Just saw this...Leanlioness, do you remember me? I was in that July challenge? My heart just breaks for you sweetie ...I agree with Livvy and Momof5...

You are a precious child of God and He loves YOU...no matter what.

You sound like you are in the depths of depression from the Bipo which is clouding and making worse every situation and circumstance...you need to get help right away. I mean right away. As you shared, you're self-medicating which is totally corrupting your bipo meds...you're at risk here...This is going to sound rough but have you considered going inpatient for a while to stabilize on your meds, detox and get some intensive intervention? Please, please, I don't mean to offend but I'm also a clincial social worker and you sound like you are really close to the edge. We care about you...

I'm praying for you...remember you are loved and I agree with Momof5...talk to God, ask Him to help you and He will...He will...things will change...have faith and believe that they will...just please get help and don't try to do this on your own.

[atcgirl42]

I just want to go to the house when I get off work this morning, pack my clothes and leave.

And what will you do when you leave to make yourself happy? You are the source of your own happiness. You are the navigator of your life. Life isn't what happens to you, it's what you make it.

What would you be like if your life was the way you wanted it to be? What would you be doing? How would you talk to and treat other people? How would you treat yourself? How would you spend your free time? If your life was perfect, how would you treat your husband? Would you still be with your husband?

Can you answer these questions? If you can then start pretending that your life is perfect today. Start acting like the person in your fantasy life. Yes, it's pretending but much of how we live our lives is based on habit. Act the way you want to be and it can become a new habit. It can become your new life.

You said you are a fat, ugly, worthless piece of crap. Only if you believe you are. Only if you act like you are and treat yourself like one. You don't have to be. My thoughts are with you.

[CarolynF]

Originally Posted by dooy

Just saw this...Leanlioness, do you remember me? I was in that July challenge? My heart just breaks for you sweetie ...I agree with Livvy and Momof5...

You are a precious child of God and He loves YOU...no matter what.

You sound like you are in the depths of depression from the Bipo which is clouding and making worse every situation and circumstance...you need to get help right away. I mean right away. As you shared, you're self-medicating which is totally corrupting your bipo meds...you're at risk here...This is going to sound rough but have you considered going inpatient for a while to stabilize on your meds, detox and get some intensive intervention? Please, please, I don't mean to offend but I'm also a clincial social worker and you sound like you are really close to the edge. We care about you...

I'm praying for you...remember you are loved and I agree with Momof5...talk to God, ask Him to help you and He will...He will...things will change...have faith and believe that they will...just please get help and don't try to do this on your own.

Me, too..I totally agree with this..Sweetie...you need professional help RIGHT NOW! The BIPO needs to get under control, so you can start to manage your life one step at a time.

I'm also praying for you..right now..that God will send you some help and you will be receptive to that..Keep us posted.

[marybeth67]

Please please, get some help, my brother is bi-polar and I know the pain it causes! I'll be praying for you, please don't hesitate to ask for help!!!

[Tea Cozy]

I have no advice to offer. Please know, though, that YOU MATTER!!!!!

You are a wonderful person. Beautiful, all the way through.

I believe in you, and I know you can get through this.

We're all here for you.

[dooy]

Leanlioness...just wanted to check in with you...would you please let us know you're ok?

[Violet Skye]

LeanLioness, if you're still feeling this way, please go to the ER. You may not need admission, but from a strategic POV, this is the best way to be hooked up to crisis centres and other similar resources, especially during the holiday season when a lot of offices are closed. (I work in psych admin, and I'm good at helping people "work the system".)

BTW, if you want to know what your purpose in life is, I think at this minute it was to make me feel less alone - last night, my cousin and I spent many futile hours trying to help my brother, who is sabotaging every area in his life (marriage, parenting, career, finances, etc.) and simply doesn't give a cr@p who he's hurting as long as he's happy. To read your post and the way all the LCFers are rallying around you makes me feel that there's hope out there, and makes me feel less helpless about the implosion that's happening in my own family. Thanks for your honesty in posting what you did, and for making me feel that by reaching out to you, I am doing something constructive. (((((Group Hug)))))

[Jake]

I hope you are feeling better today. I wish I had good advice, but I don't. God bless you.

[renaegonz]

LeanLioness, how are you doing today? I just ran across this thread. Do you feel better? Ya know, those things that you said about yourself are not true. Pure and simple. It takes two people to maintain a marriage. I would have a hard time with that if the person that is suppose to love me more than anyone else is telling me all I'm good for is a job. That statement was meant to be hurtful. Which makes it hurt even more. As for the family thing, again there are two sides to holding and maintaining a friendship, be it family or otherwise. The two hardest words in the language of mankind- "I'm sorry"-the three hardest words "I forgive you" . Either one of these two sentences can change what might otherwise be a lifetime of hurt. Let people in. Get the help you so need. I know firsthand what you're going through. My husband was bi-polar. He didn't want to address his. I was in 2 domestic violence shelters within the last year. ( I have two girls 10&7) The last time I was in he committed suicide. I am still in shock. Its not the answer. I have been left in the after wake. Please, please, please, I beg of you, and I mean this sincerely- ask for help. Be it a hospital, a doctor, a counselor.
I choose to get up everyday and make a conscious decision to be content. God will get me through this day. I will not worry about it. Worry doesn't change things-prayer does. Ask the Lord to heal you. I pray you find the peace today that you so much deserve. God be with you.

[CourtneyC]

LeanLioness. Your name says it all. Lions are fighters; they don't just lie down, they get up and fight fight fight!

You are God's precious, precious child and he loves you. Your entire world may be crumbling but with God's presence in your life you are fine. He is holding you up right now. I have been in battles before and when I look back I realize that God wants you to keep fighting and seek Him FIRST!!! The devil wants to put every single obstacle in your way so that you lose your focus. Don't let him win. Think of the devil like a tiny little bug that you can just step on with your foot and flick away. He is trying to sabotage you. FIGHT GIRL! You have too!!

Psalm 18:32 (NIV) "It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect."

Phil 4:13 (NIV) "I can do all things through God who strengthens me".

Don't give up! Keep fighting. Make index cards of these scriptures and say them over and over and over again! Speak positivity; even if everything around you is negative. God is with you; dont' give up!!!!

[kuukuu]

Please don't believe the lies the enemy tells you! Go here! This is who you truly are--this is the truth!!!

Joyce Meyer Ministries — Who I Am In Christ

Print these off and put them where you can get to them readily. I'm living proof that they work. Had I not had God on my side, I would not be sitting here now. Praying for you!

[LeanLioness]

Thank You everyone for your continued love and support.

DH went with me to the psychologist, which was going to refer me to the P-Doc for meds, but there was a 4 month waiting list. So, she has sent me to my family doctor for help with meds.

I have to go back on friday after he consulted with my therapist to find out which meds would probably work for me...............

DH heard from the therapist what I am going through and has since apologized and has been very, very supportive and understanding of me. He will be now helping me to regulate my meds and keep myself from the anxiety and stress................

[dooy]

[Jake]

Originally Posted by LeanLioness

Thank You everyone for your continued love and support.

DH went with me to the psychologist, which was going to refer me to the P-Doc for meds, but there was a 4 month waiting list. So, she has sent me to my family doctor for help with meds.

I have to go back on friday after he consulted with my therapist to find out which meds would probably work for me...............

DH heard from the therapist what I am going through and has since apologized and has been very, very supportive and understanding of me. He will be now helping me to regulate my meds and keep myself from the anxiety and stress................

That's really encouraging news!

[JanMarie3]

I pray the doctors find the medication that works for you and you have a long, healthy wonderful life.

[walkthebeach]

Hope you are continuing to do well, LL. Don't let the evil one drag you down! Have a good heart to heart with our Savior. I have had to in the past when all seemed hopeless. Ask for His support and guidance. Believe me, it will be forthcoming!

[CarolynF]

Lean: That is so wonderful.. Keep us posted..Meds will do wonders for you, my dear..and an understanding husband is a gift.

[LeanLioness]

Thanks again everyone for their words of encouragement.............

Unfortunately, I am not able to get in to see the psychiatrist until Feb 13. My family Dr was uncomfortable with prescribing me meds for bipolar disorder.

[NewYorkGiants32]

Wow.....pretty intense. I can relate to some of what you are going through. how are you feeling now...hows your husband???

[CarolynF]

Originally Posted by LeanLioness

Thanks again everyone for their words of encouragement.............

Unfortunately, I am not able to get in to see the psychiatrist until Feb 13. My family Dr was uncomfortable with prescribing me meds for bipolar disorder.

Too bad, but hang in there, girl..You can make it to the 13th.

[LeanLioness]

Originally Posted by NewYorkGiants32

Wow.....pretty intense. I can relate to some of what you are going through. how are you feeling now...hows your husband???

I am feeling ok, DH is taking measures to keep the stress at bay for me for the time being.

DH is doing ok. We have actually started going to the fertility clinic to start treatments for my infertility and DH brought up us doing IVF and the Dr was estatic about that.....................