Depressed & Questioning God

[ChristiansMom]

Before I start, I just wanted to say that I'm not looking for attention (I always feel guilty for sharing my problems on LCF) - I often have feelings that I struggle with on my own and I need a place to release them and this seems to be the best venue for me at the moment. If all it does is help me to cope, then that's all that matters - if others have advice or suggestions, those are always welcomed as well.

I've been having a really hard time lately with a few different situations. The situations themselves don't matter it's just that they are bringing up bad feelings in my heart that I am fighting against. It's seems like things are happening that are causing me to reflect back on my life and all of the hard times I've had to struggle through.. this in turn causes me to become depressed and feel like life is so unfair and how come it's always me or us.. "when are we ever going to get a break?" type of questions and then I find myself questioning God and wondering why all the mean, bad people in this world seem to have all of the good things happening to them while we try to live our lives as good people and it's nothing but one struggle after another for us.

I had a pretty big one-sided cryfest aimed towards God the other day and I said some things that I felt bad about afterwards. Just things I know I shouldn't have felt inside but I couldn't help it. I was feeling sorry for myself and needed to release it towards someone so I choose God since I put so much of my faith in him and I was feeling like what I was going through was a slap in the face (on that day).

I felt a lot better after I got it out and I started to think of how I could improve the situation. Still not fully feeling like myself, (I often bounce back quickly) but lately all of the things that are happening really hit me harder than normal and it seems to be chipping away at the nice person I've tried to be and it's making me bitter and angry. I do not want to be that person but it feels like the only way I can lick my wounds is by saying "screw you all, I'll show you.. I'll become this mean person and it will all be your fault" .. which I know is completely wrong but it just happens that way.

Anyhow, today was a real doozy.. another situation that has left me feeling pretty down and blue once again.

Maybe they aren't as big of an issue as I think they are but whatever the size, they are shaking my faith and causing me to feel really alone even when I turn to him and pray and read my bible, I still feel so alone at the end of the day. It didn't use to be like this and I do not like it. I hate having moments when I wonder why I was even born if all I'm going to deal with are struggles all the time. Not to worry, I would never do anything stupid just sharing a thought that has crossed my mind many times.

I know there are people in this world who have it worse off or have bigger issues, I'm in no way discounting that but it doesn't help me right now to get over these feelings by telling me about other people's bigger problems.

I'm probably dealing with some sort of depression issues and there may be people who will want to tell me to go see someone, I won't. I'm just trying to deal with it on my own and hopefully things will get better soon.

Thanks for listening.

[luckiangel]

Hi Diana! I have studied metaphysics and i'm an ordained minister as well. I too have felt very much the same as you recently. I believe that it is the time we live in that forces us to face certain things in our lives that perhaps we are either not ready to deal with or we were unaware that we needed to deal with. I believe that everything happens for a reason and sometimes that reason isn't very obvious. It causes us to doubt ourselves and to doubt that power within us. I am not sure that we were or are meant to know everything. Trust and faith are two things i have struggled with my entire life. Knowingness has not been experienced very much on my part but I do know that when things get tight or tough that I usually am either going through a transition or i'm learning a life lesson.
Spiritually speaking I think our existance now is very trying. There is alot going on in our world and in our realities and most of the people I know are going through similar things. We are being forced to look within and to find our true selves.
Coming here to share your feelings is a wonderful thing. It not only allows others to feel validated with their feelings but it also gives you the opportunity to learn and grow. Sometimes we all need a little help along this path that we are walking. It in no way reflects against you to show a little vulnerability and allow someone else to lead the way even if only for a few steps!!
God and I have had many of those types of conversations but i have always let him know what I have learned from the experience. I know and I trust that he hears what we say and for what we ask and that no prayer goes unanswered. He does move in very mysterious ways but i have learned that no matter we are always cared for and provided for.
I have learned that these types of situations bring us strength when we really feel our weakest. Trust in your own being and your own abilities.
You don't speak too much of what you are going through but if you need someone to talk to I'd be very honored to listen.

[sancie]

I feel the same way. I've thought about getting on meds, but too afraid, embarrassed. I just can't understand what is going on with people, it's so frustrating and makes me really sad. And I always seem to have this black cloud follow me around. I have the worst luck ALL THE TIME!!! I told my husband I think I could be a cooler when it comes to my bad luck. Why does my life have to be such a huge struggle about everything!!!!!!! I cry alot too. I watched the movie, God grew tired of us, and I bawled. I don't have any wise answers. All I can offer is a and I'm here if you need to talk. Talking always seems to help.

[SkeeterN]

First off Diana

Who else do you have to turn to but God? He is full of grace enough to still love us when we don't though. Blame the one who causes this and it's not God.

The only one we can turn to is the Lord Jesus. When Jesus asked Peter if he was going to leave like many of the others in Jesus' time Peter said a wise thing "who else could we turn to". Jesus tells us to give Him our burdens as his shoulders are strong to carry them. Remember the word of God is full of scriptures that we are to give our burdens to Him. Why are they there? Because God knew we would all face trials.

Now, Diana, if you do not want to go on Depression medication then you must get hold of your thoughts. It's the Devil who is shooting those thoughts into your head. You feel bad because of the thoughts you are having and you must take charge in this area and refuse to allow thoughts that are contrary to the word of God. Here are the facts according to the word of God and He cannot lie: He loves you, He is no respector of persons and does not have any favorites and you are as important to Him as anybody on this earth, we serve a faith God who is a God of love and all doubt comes from the devil and resist that doubt as hard as any sin because faith is our connection to God whom Jesus tells us is a Father God. When you lose that faith connection you will feel alone and isolated you must believe that God is your help in time of need and like the three Hebrew children thrown in the fire they had the mindset they would trust God no matter what. Blessings always follow with that kind of faith and they were delivered from that fiery furnace. Always feel free to reach out to me and you are in my prayers. If you wish you can contact me through my myspace account or here.

[Determinedtolose]

Hi Diana,
My name is Diana too!

I agree with SkeeterN.
We have to realize that there is good and there is evil in this world. Obviously God wants to do good for us and bless us, and Satan wants to do evil and kill us.
God wants nothing but to bless us and if we are experiencing things like that in our lives it could be one of several things.
Usually God is trying to get our attention to turn to Him, He will allow situations to happen to us in order for that to happen. If we don't have a relationship with Him.
Satan wants to destroy us, so he does things to do just that. We are fair game to him and if we don't realize what he is doing.
We do things on our own, such as making our own decisions and living our the life the way we want to. When we are out of Gods' will or don't know Him and choose to live for ourselves.

Those things I listed happen even when we have a relationship with Christ. Sometimes satan will attack us to see if we are going to fall apart (1Peter 5:8) he wants to rob, kill and destroy us (John 10:10), he wants to rob our joy and everything that God has given us.
God at times allow things to happen to us, not that He is the one who does this to us, but allows it to happen to see how we are going to react and where are heart is.
Then when we do things by our own will, alot of times we have to deal with the consequences of the choices we make. But God can take that all away!!

But never make the mistake of thinking that God does not love you or cares for you, because He does! So much that He gave His Son to die on the cross for you.

He tells us to cast our cares on Him, because He cares for us! And if we do it in faith, then we can see His working power in our life.

He wants to do so much for us, it's just that we need to trust in Him for it. Without trust and faith, He can't move in our lives.

We all go through these things that your feeling. We just have to realize whether or not we are going to give in to the enemy or God.

I would truly reccomend reading Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the mind, because that's what our problem is. The enemy can use past experiences and bring them up so we can feel bad, guilty and sad, which eventually causes depression. If we give our mind over to the enemy's plan then he will succeed, but if we give our heart, mind and soul to God we can overcome this thing we are going through and crush the enemy!
Jesus say's that we will experience trials and tribulations but to "be of good cheer, I have overcome the world, John 16:33.

Please go to Him and know that He loves you so much, that we can't even contain or fathom His love for us, and knows what is best for us.
I know He is listening to you and wants you to trust in Him. God is more loving than we realize!

I'll be praying for you!1
God Bless you!
Diana

[40winks]

This is a wonderful thread. Thank you, Diana, for sharing with us and giving us the opportunity to come together to discuss things. I've had personal struggles too, so I can relate to your emotions and thoughts. I grew up feeling life was very unfair -- enduring years and years of felony child abuse on top of being the chubby kid on top of being the girl and therefore the maid while my brothers played. Also, I was raised agnostic, so I thought, either there's no god to turn to or there is one but he doesn't care about me.

Today, I came out of Walmart to find that someone had stollen a tire and rim off my car. I had 2 hours standing in the Arizona heat and burning sun waiting, then dealing with a cop and a tow-truck guy (both very nice). Tomorrow, I get to go buy a replacement wheel. So wondering why there's all this garbage going on in the world and in my life (and the lives of so many other good folk) has certainly crossed my mind from time to time, including today.

So I came to the playground wondering if I should vent, and I opened your thread instead. I can relate. I appreciate that you vented in such a polite and dignified way. It shows your wonderful underlyng character. I like what others have said too.

Good people, of course, are easier targets than someone evil. Natrually, the evil ones would prefer to prey on us. Still, I'd rather be one of the good people. My integrity gives me inner peace and joy.

I choose to look for the silver lining. I believe there always is one. A silver lining for me today is that it was just my car, not my body that was violated. Another is finding this thread. I may find more silver too.

I do believe in the law of attraction (which in my opinion is another way of describing prayer). I've seen it work more than once. Those of us not consciously using the law of attraction aren't attracting safety and fairness and riches. It makes sense that we're sort of open to what others are up to.

I do believe in angels. A Catholic told me that she believes: just as Satan took 1/3 of the angels with him, 1/3 of the people are under the influence of Satan and his minions. I don't know, that sort of makes sense.

I'm no Bible scholar or anything, but I do think Christianity talk about demons and casting out demons, and that only the one possessed can cast out a demon. I suppose this may sound nutty, but whenever I struggle with anger, depression, or any inner turmoil -- what people call "inner demons" -- when I realize I've got inner turmoil, I say, "Out, demon! Out!" and I think about angels and God and Christ and I invite them in. It does lift my spirits. You might try it and see if it gives any relief.

I hope my scattered thoughts and notions are helpful, even if it's just your opportunity to say, "sheesh, at least I aint that nutty."

Wishing you every blessing!

[luckiangel]

40Winks - I also believe in the law of attraction. I suppose that you have seen The Secret? I was very impressed with that movie. I also believe that the Law of Attraction is primarily a more aware form of prayer. In my opinion they work on the same principle. Belief is a big part of that. Of course if one believes it won't work it won't! ANgels are also a big part of my belief system as well...hence the name LuckiANGEL!! I do believe firmly in GOd's presence in our lives and if he feels that we are walking the wrong path i do believe he will let us know. But we need to be willing to listen and to know that sometimes that what we want or need may not be presented in the way that we expect.
I have had my share of turmoil these days even with all of this knowledge!! What I need to learn is to get out of my own way and realize that things will work out as they are meant to. I believe that there is a reason for everything. In my experience turmoil comes from either forcing issues or not paying attention to them. For me these days the turmoil is from not paying full enough attention and ignoring my own needs.
Sorry to hear about your tire and rim being stolen. I hope insurance will help you out with that one. You said you got stuck out in the Arizona heat....what part of Arizona are you from? I am from Douglas. Hope to hear from you again!!!

[Determinedtolose]

Hold on to your faith in God through Jesus Christ Diana, that is the only way to get through these situations. There is no other way than that!
God Bless you!
Diana

P.S. 40winks, I'm sorry to say that the bible does not say that a possesed person can cast out demons. That's what the Pharisee's (Mat 12:22-30) when accusing Jesus of casting out a demon from a blind man.

Matthew Chapter 12
22Then a blind and dumb man under the power of a demon was brought to Jesus, and He cured him, so that the blind and dumb man both spoke and saw.

23And all the [crowds of] people were stunned with bewildered wonder and said, This cannot be the Son of David, can it?

24But the Pharisees, hearing it, said, This [i]Man drives out demons only by and with the help of Beelzebub, the prince of demons.

25And knowing their thoughts, He said to them, Any kingdom that is divided against itself is being brought to desolation and laid waste, and no city or house divided against itself will last or continue to stand.

26And if Satan drives out Satan, he has become divided against himself and disunified; how then will his kingdom last or continue to stand?

27And if I drive out the demons by [help of] Beelzebub, by whose [help] do your sons drive them out? [j]For this reason they shall be your judges.

28But if it is by the Spirit of God that I drive out the demons, then the kingdom of God has come upon you [[k]before you expected it].

29Or how can a person go into a strong man's house and carry off his goods (the entire equipment of his house) without first binding the strong man? Then indeed he may plunder his house.

30He who is not with Me [definitely [l]on My side] is against Me, and he who does not [definitely] gather with Me and for [m]My side scatters.

I hope that clarifies that, we should all know the truth because it sets us free.
God Bless you,
Diana

[CurveControl]

and comming at you.
Yall KNOW what my life is like right now so I can offer empathy!

I hope things start to look up, Diana. God is on my list right now too, But He is still my God.

[Tazcat]

Diana I couldn't send you a PM so I sent you an email.

[fourbeaglesmom]

Hi Diana, I'm new here but I'd still like to tell you a couple of things that have helped me over the years with the innumerable struggles I seem to have had.

First off, if you're anything like me, you get entrenched in the "catastrophic thinking" as I call it. One thing goes wrong, maybe two, but ninety-eight things go right, but you still concentrate on the two things that went wrong, and it clouds your mind and spirit to the good things. I find journalling helpful. Every day, I write down all of the things that went right, starting with that I had life and breath first thing in the morning, and that my beagles are alive to enjoy the day along with me. The list will likely be longer than you might initially think.

As well, I have a ton, and I mean heaps and heaps and heaps, of anger towards the people that have wronged me in my life, starting with my family, then with my former husband, the list is seemingly endless. The best I can do about that is speak the words in prayer, that God will bless them all. I have zero good feelings about these people but over time, as I pray, I find some compassion and care in my heart towards these people. Prayer changes things, that's the honest truth. God seems to drop this little seed of compassion and care in my heart, when I am obedient to His Word. It doesn't happen overnight, but it happens.

I struggle with major depressive disorder, and anxiety too. I have so many phobias I couldn't even begin to list them here, for fear that people would be bored. May I recommend that you get a hold of and read "The Life God Blesses" by Jim Cymbala, pastor of the Brooklyn Tabernacle in NYC. He also has some other books on prayer that I can't recall the titles of, but they are amazing as well.

Start small, one battle at a time. God understands. After all, His Son experienced all the frailties and limitations of us humans. He is your Protector, your Rock, your Go-to Man, in all situations. May your faith be built more and more and may you see yourself as God sees you, a precious child of His that He created to bless Him and others around you.

Hope some of this helps, it even helped me as I wrote. See how the blessings of Christ follow us? Wonderful.

[NutinHonie]

Diana, your words could have been written by myself. Last night, I think I hit bottom and my prayers went from specific, to crying out, "Lord God, help me". I didn't know what to ask for anymore. I don't know what I need. I do feel much better today, but still have a ways to climb back up.

I pray that you can find some peace in your heart and please don't EVER lose your faith. It's the only thing that keeps me going (and my sons, of course, like you).

There is some great wisdom in this thread. Keep your chin up, lady!

[LaRae]

so much that he sent his Son, Jesus Christ, to die for each and every person, past, present and future. He would have died for only you.
Have you ever studied Job? Despite everything, Job remained faithful to God.
We are in the world and will suffer through this life, but we must not take our eyes off of God. He only wants the best for us, but he also tells us that we will have trouble in this world.
When I feel "put down", "scoffed at", or persecuted because of my Christian beliefs, I have to feel joy because the Bible tells us that the world hated Christ first.
II Corinthians 1:5 "For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."
Romans 5:3-5 "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perserverance; perserverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."
I do understand that you are hurting and angry, and I am not trying to minimize that, just trying to help you get through it, or live with it in such a way that you have peace and comfort through God.
Please do not worship angels. They are one of God's created beings, but they were created for His purpose, not to be worshipped. Anything that takes our eyes off of God is wrong, an idol, both of Satan.
"Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength
and whose heart turns away from the Lord." ---Jeremiah 17:5 NIV

I pray that you will find peace; anger can affect your health and well-being. None of us know what problems that you are dealing with, but pray, and we will all pray with you and for you.

"Never put a question mark where God has put a period." ---John R. Rice

"Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal." ---Thomas Moore

[ChristiansMom]

Thanks everyone. I do not have anything to say right now, I'm still having a hard time coming to grips with the anger and sadness and hurt I'm feeling right now but coming here and reading your words, over and over, is helping .. so thank you. I feel a little better today but only because I'm trying not to think about what is upsetting me - at other times it just comes into my head and I can't shake it and I get upset all over again and it's times like those that I feel like I'm going crazy.

All I can do now is to keep praying - hopefully whatever lesson I'm suppose to be getting from this will become clear soon so I can get on with my life.

I felt like I must be a really bad person if God is allowing all of this to happen to me - things I had no control over but they still happened - and I sat in front of the bathroom mirror on Saturday night telling myself how worthless I am and what a waste of life and breath I was.. I couldn't figure out why I was born except to endure sadness and struggles all the time. It was a hard weekend and I didn't think I was going to make it to Monday because of all the anger inside of me.. but here I am. Slowly standing back up even though I know I'll be knocked back on my butt again any day now. I'm just tired. Seriously tired.

I do appreciate the words of support and all of the wonderful things you've all written. It is helping.

[Determinedtolose]

Hi Diana,
Thank you for letting us know how you're doing. I'm posting this so you'll know how God feels about you, please read this. God Bless You!

The cry of a Father's Heart from Genesis to Revelation. Father's Love Letter.

You may not know me, but I know everything about you... psalm 139:2.
I know when you sit down and when you rise up... psalm 139:2.
I am familiar with all your ways... psalm 139:3.
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered... matthew 10:29-31.
For you were made in my image... genesis 1:27.
In me you live and move and have your being... acts 17:28.
For you are my offspring... acts 17:26.
I knew you even before you were conceived... jeremiah 1:1-5.
I chose you when I planned creation... ephesians 1:11-12.
You were not a mistake... psalm 139: 139:15-16.
For all your days are written in my book... psalm 139: 15-16.
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live... acts 17:26.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made... psalm 139:14.
I knit you together in your mother's womb... psalm 139:13.
And brought you forth on the day you were born... psalm 71:6.
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me... john 8:41-44.
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love... 1 john:4:16.
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you... 1 john 3:1.
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father... 1 john 3:1.
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could... matthew 7:1.
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs... matthew 6:31-33.
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope... jeremiah 29:11. Because I love you with an everlasting love... jeremiah 31:3.
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore... psalm 139:17-18.
And I rejoice over you with singing... zephaniah 3:17.
I will never stop doing good to you... jeremiah 32:40.
For you are my treasured possession... exodus 19:5.
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul... jeremiah 32:41. And I want to show you great and marvelous things... jeremiah 33:3.
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me... deuteronomy 4:29. Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart... psalm.37:4.
For it is I who gave you those desires... philippians 2:13.
I am able to do more for you than you could possibley imagine... ephesians 3:20. For I am your greatest encourager... 2 thessalonians 2:16-17.
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles... 2 corinthians 1:3-4.
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you... psalm 34:18.
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart... isaiah 40:11.
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes... revelation 21:3-4.
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth... revelation 21:4.
I am your Father and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus... john 17:23. For in Jesus my love for you is revealed... john 17:26.
He is the exact representation of my being... hebrews 1:13.
And He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you... romans 8:31.
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins... 2 corinthians 5:18-19. Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled... 2 corinthians 5:18-19.
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you... 1 john 4:10.
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love... romans 8:32.
If you receive the gift of my son, Jesus, you recieve from me... 1 john 2:23. And nothing will ever separate you form my love again... romans 8:38-39. Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has even seen... luke 15:7.
I have always been Father and will always be Father... ephesians 3:14-15. My question is... Will you be my child?... john 1:12-13.
I am waiting for you... luke 15:11-32.

... Love, Your Dad, Almighty God.
(Complied by Barry Adams Copyright 1999
Visit the interactive website at Father's Love Letter Main Page)

If you want to hear it, here is the website. You will be moved when you actually here it!
Father's Love Letter (English)

[yoshi]

Dear Diana: You've come to the right place to talk about your feelings. We all know how you feel. Many of us have our dark days. Sometimes those days go on and on and seem to last forever.

Today is my 3-month anniversary of having major surgery. When I got sick, I prayed for healing, but it didn't happen the way I wanted it to. God had other plans. I spent 8 days in the hospital (no medical insurance). I had to be off work a little over 6 weeks (no paid leave time). While in the hospital, they discovered my blood glucose was too high and no longer being controlled by oral medication, so I left the hospital having to take insulin (I'm terrified of needles -- or at least I used to be). I was relieved to have survived the surgery and excited about finally getting to go home. Then, the reality of my situation began to rear its ugly head. The family members who came to help out me and my disabled son, left to go to their homes. My son was not able to emotionally deal with the fear of almost losing me and began having stress-induced anxiety attacks. The medical bills from my hospitalization and surgery began pouring in, along with other bills I didn't have the income to pay.

I realize God needed to get my attention, but I still don't understand fully why He had to do it in such a drastic way. For the longest time, I felt like a black curtain surrounded me, totally shutting out the light. I prayed a lot and cried a lot and tried to be patient. I was reading a book by Max Lucado about going through tough times. He said God is listening to our prayers, even when we think He isn't. God is feeling our sorrow and despair, even when we think we've been abandoned. God is answering our prayers, even when we can't see the evidence of Him at work. It wasn't easy to do, but I thanked God for each situation and problem I was facing. I thanked Him for answering my prayers and working in our lives, even without being able to see the evidence of it. I didn't receive any immediate hit-me-over-the-head insight from God. It was more subtle than that. It started out as one little pinprick in the dark curtain. My son and I were watching a funny video and started laughing together. It was a moment of joy that brought that tiniest bit of light into our lives. Instead of hiding our worries and feelings and fears, we started talking to each other about them -- more pinpricks of light. We started looking for the little things in life that give us joy, like playing with the dog in the wading pool on a hot day. Before long, the dark curtain wasn't so dark or smothering.

In this life, we're always going to have problems -- some of them little and some of them big and nasty. I still have my dark and despairing days, when I don't feel good physically or I'm having to decide which bill not to pay in order to refill a prescription or I get into an argument with my doctor because he's a jerk but I can't afford to go anywhere else but the low-cost clinic. The thing is, Jesus wants to take our burdens and worries and problems, but we have to be willing to let them go and give them to Him. That's the hard part -- letting them go.

God bless, Diana. My prayers are with you.

[40winks]

Several things have helped me deal with my situation and might help you too:

Realizations that made a world of difference for me: Realizing my feelings were only hurting me (and not the ones who wronged me); realizing I had the right to be happy; and realizing that it was OK for me to be happy.

Lawful revenge helped me too: First, reporting the child abuse (even though it was years after the statue of limitations had run out);and also, sending postcards addressed to "The Child Abuser, (his name)". The postcards described the abuse, how it had damaged me and my life, and told him what I thought of him. Sometimes I "accidentally" got the address wrong so his neighbors would get the postcards. I sent them at irregular intervals so he never knew when one might come, so he might dread getting the mail every single day just I had dreaded daily that I might be abused again that day. Perhaps that was unkind of me, but it felt like justice. It felt fair. And I felt better every time I mailed one.

A book that really transformed me was a book called Radical Forgiveness by Colin C. Tipping.

And lastly, finally finding God helped.

Best wishes.

[Stormyskies]

(((Diana))) I just now saw this. God is a big enough God that you can be angry at Him. I know that I have been in the past and probably will be again some day. We all struggle at times. I have often wondered the same thing...why do cheaters thrive while good people have such hard times. You know, I don't know the answer to this, but I have enough faith to know that good things await me in heaven if only I can persevere. They will get theirs someday. I don't know if God is just trying to build character or to see how we act when going through these things, but I know that I've failed plenty of times...but He still loves me. Sometimes just knowing that is what gets me through. Regardless of how things look, He is always in control.

[Jormy]

Believe it or not, I actually have the Footprints saying that I did in cross stitch hanging on the wall. I think it is very much true in your case *I just like doing x-stitch* that those times you thought you were alone, God was holding you in his arms and carrying you.

Just like when kids say to their parents "I hate you" *which you know I don't have kids either* the parent knows it is just frustration and now how the kid really feels. God knows how you really feel and that you can be angry at Him, but that you do because you feel comfortable enough in His love to be angry..

I hope that made sense, it did in my head but I don't know if I was able to articulate it

[Ntombi]

I hope you find peace soon, Diana.