I'm a nervous wreak, need advise

[Criosa]

I don't even really know how to say this, and not leave something important out. The problem is that I really don't know what the problem is! My 19 year old daughter moved out, over 1200 miles away to Texas in January. She was not angry at us, and seemed happy here. She told us 10 days before she left. She had been planning it for months, saving money, buying an airline ticket, buying a car through a friend down there... This came right out of the blue. She was talking about going to nursing school, then this! There is a young man concerned, but he was supposed to have another girl friend. It is all so confusing. She doesn't call, write, email me or anyone else that knows her. Her only friends now are these two people she's known for under a year. We just found out she got a new phone number - with an Alabama area code, which is where her two friends are from originally.

This is messing me up. My blood pressure is up, I can't drink coffee or eat chocolate -because I get an irregular heart beat now. I don't even really care about losing weight anymore. I cry easy, which is weird for me. I'm going through some kind of depression I guess - which is not good, as I have 3 daughters - 6, 9 and 15 still at home. PLUS, I'm starting to go through perimenopause, with strange cycles (I'm 51). I'm a nervous wreak.

My friends say she will come around and that I should be patient. Of course, what else can I do? Does anyone have a similar experience? I ran away from home to marry my husband (it's been 32 years) when I was 18, but I stayed in contact with my parents! It's not that I'm not tolerant. Her older brother is living with his girlfriend, and I haven't disowned him, even though he knows I'm not happy about it! I love all seven of my children very much, and this is so hurtful.

[SweetSilverBird]

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad and , perhaps, helpless about this move. I sure feel for you.

It's really hard to let the kids go, just so they can 'skin their knees' and get up again on their own. But you know it is a very important part of their growing up.

When my daughter married, I missed her so much! She moved away for a year, and then came back with her family for the last 5 years. Now I have 3 grandchildren that I adore, and can't imagine living without... but guess what? They are moving again, to a pretty far away place. They are so busy planning for the move, that I haven't seen my little grandchildren for 3 months!

It's hard to let go. I really love them. I know you are feeling the same way too.

[CarolynF]

Hi..

Well, she is an adult, but it is dissappointing that she doesn't call or email you to let you know how she is doing..She is testing her wings and becoming an adult..Too bad you don't know her address to write her a note...Can you call her??

You need to focus on your younger kiddos and not let your older dd interfere with their childhoods and your life..

Hugs to you..and think how your Mom felt when you ran away..

[CRosie]

Criosa,

It's hard to feel estranged from your kids....we need to give them roots and wings...but it's hard after you spend years raising them and tending to them..you never stop worrying about them and it has to be hard when they don't stay in touch.

I am sorry for what you are going through.

I am recently separated from my husband and I have been forced into a situation where I now spend half the time with my daughter that I did before - of course, which was full time...this has made me so sad. She is now soon to be 17, but it helps me prepare for her leaving home next year for college.

The sad part is that even though your daughter is an adult, she could stay in touch..maybe she is testing her new found adulthood. I remember doing that.

Hugs to you, take care, Ro

[Criosa]

Originally Posted by SweetSilverBird

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad and , perhaps, helpless about this move. I sure feel for you.

It's really hard to let the kids go, just so they can 'skin their knees' and get up again on their own. But you know it is a very important part of their growing up.

When my daughter married, I missed her so much! She moved away for a year, and then came back with her family for the last 5 years. Now I have 3 grandchildren that I adore, and can't imagine living without... but guess what? They are moving again, to a pretty far away place. They are so busy planning for the move, that I haven't seen my little grandchildren for 3 months!

It's hard to let go. I really love them. I know you are feeling the same way too.

Thanks to all for your responses. It really helps when you think someone cares. The past few days have been bad. Her cell phone company keeps leaving an automative message that she needs to call about her bill. I called them telling them not to call me anymore because I can't help them. The man said he had to keep calling me until she contacted them. I don't feel like dealing with them. I actually thought about just paying the bill for her, but I don't think that would be good for her in the long run. My husband said he would talk to them. I hate how people listen to him better than they do me. I guess I just don't have the touch. I had to close our joint bank account, explaining to the bank person that she has left, and doesn't keep in touch. The list of problems goes on.

My oldest daughter left for Calif. in March, taking my adorable 18 month grandson with her. She said he kept asking about me, and going in their back yard calling for our dog. I talk to her quite a bit, but I miss them so much.
We're going out there in August.

[Criosa]

Originally Posted by CarolynF

Hi..

Well, she is an adult, but it is dissappointing that she doesn't call or email you to let you know how she is doing..She is testing her wings and becoming an adult..Too bad you don't know her address to write her a note...Can you call her??

You need to focus on your younger kiddos and not let your older dd interfere with their childhoods and your life..

Hugs to you..and think how your Mom felt when you ran away..

Carolyn, I do know her address. I've sent several cards and letters, but never get a response. I know her new phone number too, but she doesn't call. Well, I shouldn't say that. She did call Wednesday night, and left a message. But she knows our schedule, and knows that we would be in church. I should at least be grateful she is letting us know that she is alive.

Yes, I need to focus on my daughters at home. One just walked in right now, put her head on my shoulder. The sad thing is that I remember my 19 year old doing that at one time.

My mom was upset when I ran off. But I really didn't expect her to be. She told me just a few days before I left that she didn't know why I didn't just run off and get married. So I thought she'd be OK with it. I was wrong. But now she loves my husband.

[Lulu Belle]

Inform the phone company she is a 19 yo adult and give them her number. I'm sorry she's making it so hard for all of you. It's really hard to understand where their head is at sometimes isn't it?

[Criosa]

Originally Posted by Lulu Belle

Inform the phone company she is a 19 yo adult and give them her number. I'm sorry she's making it so hard for all of you. It's really hard to understand where their head is at sometimes isn't it?

It's funny how much better you can feel one day from another. I just got another call from the phone company right before I read this post. I just sighed. Other times I feel overwhelmed.

It's hard to get a real person there. My husband said he was going to call, but maybe he didn't get around to it, or it didn't work. I'll ask when he gets home. He's off picking up a rummage sale item too big for our car. - Maybe that's why I'm handling things better today - we had a nice morning.

[KristenT]

It honestly sounds like she's just testing her wings. I did the same thing to my parents at that age. It wasn't that I didn't love them or because I was angry at them, I wanted to experience life on my own. I knew it hurt them and I felt that I had let them down,and it was almost easier to avoid them than to hear them say they were worried and they missed me. Maybe your DD is just trying out the world on her own, and is a little worried that she hurt and/or dissapointed you leaving the way she did. Just try to be patient, she'll come around.

[Criosa]

Originally Posted by KristenT

It honestly sounds like she's just testing her wings. I did the same thing to my parents at that age. It wasn't that I didn't love them or because I was angry at them, I wanted to experience life on my own. I knew it hurt them and I felt that I had let them down,and it was almost easier to avoid them than to hear them say they were worried and they missed me. Maybe your DD is just trying out the world on her own, and is a little worried that she hurt and/or dissapointed you leaving the way she did. Just try to be patient, she'll come around.

Yes, this is exactly what I was hoping. My husband did finally get her on the phone (she usually doesn't answer). I talked to her for awhile, and she acted like everything was fine. She was cheerful, and happy, like everything was fine. Her sisters talked briefly with her also, and I was amazed at how forgiving and sweet they are with her, when I know she has hurt them too. On her MySpace site, she said she moved just because she wanted to. (Which by the way, she hasn't written on for over a month.) I know she wasn't angry with us, although she did feel stifled with my standards. It just really bothered me that she doesn't communicate with her family or friends. People often ask about her, and I can't tell them how she is. I often don't even know if she is still alive. I love her so much, and miss her tremendously, and wonder why she doesn't feel the same way. I write this with tears in my eyes. I'm so thankful for those of you who have taken the time to answer my post.

[CarolynF]

Criosa: Hugs to you.. Give her space to grow..and love her long distance..
We raise our kids to be independent of us and she is trying that out.

I have a 25 dd, too..They grow up and move on with their lives. You have to respect that and not cling to your expectations of communication. The more
you "respect" her space and not make her feel guilty because she didn't communicate with you, the better your relationship will be.

When people ask how she is doing, just say "fine"..don't go into not hearing from her, etc..or with your kids either.

She is untying the apron strings..this is normal and natural..I have a friend whose dd WON'T leave the house. Is 26 years old still living with her parents..This is NOT a good thing because when others are getting on with their lives, she is still a child in her parents home..

I would be glad that she is happy and enjoying life..It's what every parent wants for their child..to be a functioning adult in the world..on their own.

[sallyT]

I moved out at 19 also, in the middle of the night without even a warning to anyone I just wanted to experiance life, it had nothing to do with my family. At that age we just want to experiance life on our own, my mom was so hurt, it took her a year to recover. I feel so bad about it now and wonder why in the world did I do that I should of atleast let her know I was moving.

Give your daughter time, she will come around

[Criosa]

Originally Posted by sallyT

I moved out at 19 also, in the middle of the night without even a warning to anyone I just wanted to experiance life, it had nothing to do with my family. At that age we just want to experiance life on our own, my mom was so hurt, it took her a year to recover. I feel so bad about it now and wonder why in the world did I do that I should of atleast let her know I was moving.

Give your daughter time, she will come around

Yes, this sounds like my daughter. On the rare occasion I talk to her, she sounds puzzled that I would be upset. I think the biggest eye opener for young people is when they have children. At least that's how it was for me. Now I have to learn to let them go after all those years of protecting them and giving them the best I could. It's a real blessing though when you have a son or daughter that doesn't push you away when they want to make a go of it on their own. My 25 year old son is like that. He just left a few minutes ago after spending the evening fixing my computer. I do my part helping him out too. I baby sit my two darling grand babies for free. That's what I always figured family was for, loving and supporting each other. Thanks for you're response. It's comforting for some reason.

[sallyT]

Originally Posted by Criosa

Yes, this sounds like my daughter. On the rare occasion I talk to her, she sounds puzzled that I would be upset. I think the biggest eye opener for young people is when they have children. At least that's how it was for me. Now I have to learn to let them go after all those years of protecting them and giving them the best I could. It's a real blessing though when you have a son or daughter that doesn't push you away when they want to make a go of it on their own. My 25 year old son is like that. He just left a few minutes ago after spending the evening fixing my computer. I do my part helping him out too. I baby sit my two darling grand babies for free. That's what I always figured family was for, loving and supporting each other. Thanks for you're response. It's comforting for some reason.

Your very welcomed

I'm sure your daughter loves you as I did my mom. Don't take her move personal. I know when I moved I also kept in touch very little, I didn't want to rock the boat. I also pretended that all was honky dory when I spoke to my mom on the phone. When she finally forgive me, I did start to come around more, because in reality I did miss them, I just wanted to be independent, and for what is worth I actually became a more responable adult. My mom thought I left because I wanted to party and not have to answer to nobody, but in reality once I moved out I actually went out less, it really helped me to mature.

Seeing your post yesterday really reminded me of myself, I just had to post because I know how hurt my mom was when I moved, in the end I became a responsible adult married and had children, my mom and my children had a wonderful and close relationship, she has passed since but till this day they always bring up there grandma.

Just be patient with your daughter she will come around

[Criosa]

Originally Posted by sallyT

Your very welcomed

I'm sure your daughter loves you as I did my mom. Don't take her move personal. I know when I moved I also kept in touch very little, I didn't want to rock the boat. I also pretended that all was honky dory when I spoke to my mom on the phone. When she finally forgive me, I did start to come around more, because in reality I did miss them, I just wanted to be independent, and for what is worth I actually became a more responable adult. My mom thought I left because I wanted to party and not have to answer to nobody, but in reality once I moved out I actually went out less, it really helped me to mature.

Seeing your post yesterday really reminded me of myself, I just had to post because I know how hurt my mom was when I moved, in the end I became a responsible adult married and had children, my mom and my children had a wonderful and close relationship, she has passed since but till this day they always bring up there grandma.

Just be patient with your daughter she will come around

You sound sweet like my daughter. Yes, she is sweet, at least when she lived here. I'm just having a hard time understanding her right now. I could always depend on her to help me out at home. She would run to the store for me, watch kids, and clean up the house nicely, all with her beautiful smile. You sound right on about what is going on. I needed to hear it from someone with experience. My husband winces when I talk to her on the phone and give her a hard time for leaving. It's hard to be all smiley nice, when you're hurting on the inside, but I'll try. I keep kicking myself for all the things I must have done to make her want to leave though. I even remember little things, like brushing her hair in such a hurry, that it made her cry, or not getting her contacts when she wanted them - stuff like that. Now I'm spoiling my 15 year old - which is not so good either. She hardly does dishes anymore, or any chores around the house. Speaking of whom I need to go and pick up now. Thanks for the help.

[CarolynF]

I have a friend whose dd was the "perfect child"..she cleaned the house, watched her brother and sister, etc..and even cooked. Her mom expected her to do this..Well, she went to college, left home and never looked back. In fact, even though she was a straight A student, she dropped out of college her senior year. She is living the organic lifestyle, picking peaches, making jewelry, etc. in Oregon..(thousands of miles away). Needless to say, that was a heartbreaker for her parents, but she had to get away and be herself. Now, they have a good relationship, but she still lives in Oregon and they see her once a year.

As parents, we aren't perfect and we have all made mistakes. However, you have another chance every time she calls to rebuild your relationship. Those
phone calls are precious. Fill them with loving words so she will want to call
more often.

hugs to you..

[sallyT]

Criosa just wanted to pop in and say I'm hoping things with your daughter are better

[Criosa]

Originally Posted by sallyT

Criosa just wanted to pop in and say I'm hoping things with your daughter are better

It's weird, because she called today. She did want something, but she was friendly. She said she wants to meet us when we vacation in Calif. next month. I'm not holding my breath, but she seemed serious. I kept my mouth in check, and was friendly. The only thing I said that maybe I shouldn't is that I hope she's looking for a school, as I hope she won't be working at a Subway all her life. Her two youngest sisters were clamoring to talk with her, so I bravely let them. They are so sweet and forgiving, it makes my heart swell. I could learn something from them. She was on a break. I kept it short but sweet, which is not so easy for me. Her 15 year old sister didn't want to talk with her, which breaks my heart, as she is just as upset as I am, maybe more if possible, about her leaving. Actually, it bothers me more when my 15 year old is sad, than myself.

My blood pressure is back down to normal, and my heart beat (I was having a lot of irregular heartbeats) is much better. I think I had adrenal fatigue. I cut out coffee, cut way down on chocolate, take naps whenever possible, and am taking some adrenal supplements. I feel much better now.

Life goes on. Right now I'm getting ready for a 5 day camping trip with four other families. The kids are excited.

Thanks for asking. I really appreciate it.

Criosa

[sallyT]

Originally Posted by Criosa

It's weird, because she called today. She did want something, but she was friendly. She said she wants to meet us when we vacation in Calif. next month. I'm not holding my breath, but she seemed serious. I kept my mouth in check, and was friendly. The only thing I said that maybe I shouldn't is that I hope she's looking for a school, as I hope she won't be working at a Subway all her life. Her two youngest sisters were clamoring to talk with her, so I bravely let them. They are so sweet and forgiving, it makes my heart swell. I could learn something from them. She was on a break. I kept it short but sweet, which is not so easy for me. Her 15 year old sister didn't want to talk with her, which breaks my heart, as she is just as upset as I am, maybe more if possible, about her leaving. Actually, it bothers me more when my 15 year old is sad, than myself.

My blood pressure is back down to normal, and my heart beat (I was having a lot of irregular heartbeats) is much better. I think I had adrenal fatigue. I cut out coffee, cut way down on chocolate, take naps whenever possible, and am taking some adrenal supplements. I feel much better now.

Life goes on. Right now I'm getting ready for a 5 day camping trip with four other families. The kids are excited.

Thanks for asking. I really appreciate it.

Criosa

yvw I'm glad your feeling better.

Hopefully you two do get to see each other in Ca., it would be nice for both of you.

As to your 15 year old, I'd say just give her time . I'm sure she misses her sister and just needs more time to forgive her.

The camping trip sounds fun

Take care


Take care

[CarolynF]

That is great news that SHE called...I'm sure she misses your family..

As for the "school issue", she will go when she is ready, I'm sure. I have heard of kids wasting money in college because they don't know what they want to do. She will figure it out..when she is ready. The good news is that she HAS a job and isn't asking for money from you..That's a real plus in the real world..

[mis-informed]

I am just reading this today. It's been a long while since you have posted. I am hoping things are well for you and your family. You seem like such a lovely, caring person. I pray that your relationship with your daughter is better.

[Criosa]

Originally Posted by mis-informed

I am just reading this today. It's been a long while since you have posted. I am hoping things are well for you and your family. You seem like such a lovely, caring person. I pray that your relationship with your daughter is better.

Thanks for checking in. It's nice to know that people care. Not much has changed, except that I'm accepting whatever happens better. She's still gone, and rarely calls. On the outside, I'm sure I look fine. Actually, most of my friends don't even know that I'm really bothered. It's seems safer, I guess, to expose my feelings on this forum, where I don't have to put up pretenses that everything is fine. I have another friend who went through a similar problem at the same time, and she is always commenting on well I handle it!

What is really hard for me right now, is that I'm worried about losing my other daughters. I know children grow up and make their own lives, but I also know several families that stay close, even when the children move out of the home. That's all I want really. I don't have to have them clustered around me all the time, I just want them to be sharing their lives with me, keeping in touch. It's not to be with this daughter right now, and it's hard.

Thank you very much for the prayers. That's what is really important - trusting in a higher authority.