Option to hold my kid back a year in school: opinions needed, esp. from educators!!!

[Bluebell]

So here's the story:

My daughter is 6 and in the 1st grade. She's our only child for now (we'll eventually have another one if we can). She has a summer birthday and so is the very youngest in her class and always will be. If I had known this when she was ready to start kindergarten, and known it was an option to wait a year, I might have considered it.

Academically she's GREAT. They don't really give out A's, B's and such in the 1st grade but she is the equivalent of a nearly straight A student. There's not one subject in school she's even remotely having trouble with. She's very, very bright.

Socially -- we're not doing so good. She is more interested in playing than learning (this was also a problem when she was in kindergarten). She's a tattletale, always worrying about what everyone else is doing. She has to be told several times to do something before she does it. She's occasionally bossy. She lashed out this week, verbally, at a kid who was trying to do something very sweet for her -- and she also got physical with a couple of kids. (We had one incident of physical aggression last year, and this is the first one this year.) Both of the teachers she's had have told me she's a good kid, but they can tell she is the youngest just by the way she acts. (I asked and neither of them think she is ADD or has any other problems like that -- she's just young.)

Now some of this is my and DH's fault. She is a very sweet kid, but extremely stubborn and strong-willed, and we see now that ANY deviation from the rules gives her permission to ignore all the other rules, in her eyes. We don't have cable, but my mom does and she lives nearby, and she will be a couch potato if we let her. We got rid of cable when she was about 2 because we noticed that even after watching "good" shows, she wouldn't mind us the rest of the day. A movie every now and then is fine, but there's something about TV that turns her into a little smart***.

Thursday night we laid down the law -- no TV, no movies, no nothing for two weeks, and if we don't hear a glowing report from school, it will continue. We are eating dinner together every night at the table, after which she is to go to bed and when she gets up there is no arguing with me about what she's going to wear. She was also to apologize to both her teacher and the classmates she kicked -- which she did. Her teacher told me yesterday that when she walked into the classroom she could tell that something had happened at home, and she was good all day long. (She was also a perfect little angel with me Friday morning getting ready for school.)

We are taking a wait-and-see approach for the next month or so, and it could be that maybe she just needs more discipline and structure from us. We've also been talking to her a lot about how it's never okay to hurt someone else unless you are either defending yourself or protecting someone else, and asking her how she would like it if someone yelled at her when she was being nice to them. Lots of empathy lessons. We don't have to make a decision right away and it's not like her teacher is even suggesting that we do it -- it's just an option, is all.

However -- none of this is going to change that she is always going to be the "baby" of the classroom, in a room full of kids a good 6 months to a year (sometimes over a year) older than her. A few months' (and definitely a whole year) age difference can show major differences between kids.

Looking ahead to middle and high school -- she's going to be faced with a lot of choices and will need the maturity to make good decisions. I'm an only and DH is the older of 2 boys, and we were both among the oldest in our classes. We both were very level-headed teenagers and stayed out of trouble when all of the other kids were out getting drunk and pregnant. If having her repeat 1st grade to develop social skills can do that for her, I'm for it. I would rather send a 19 year old to college than a barely-18 year old.

But she's academically advanced NOW for her age! Unless the school can challenge her next year and basically teach her 2nd grade stuff in a 1st grade classroom, she's going to be bored to tears -- which is a recipe for trouble.

So we've got two options: hold her back and find a way to challenge her academically, or find a way to mature her quickly.

Has anyone out there ever held back their child for purely social reasons? Know someone who did? How do you teach social skills to a child when there aren't a lot of kids around except for school and church and you work or are in school full time?

What do I have the right to expect from my daughter's school in the way of accommodating her next year academically, if we decide to hold her back?

Any input is welcome

[LovesDivine]

You have until the end of this school year to make your decision. And actually, you can still ask to have her moved back to 1st even after she starts 2nd if there are problems. That is what dh and his ex did - ss has had issues in school all along, his birthday is in July. They finally had him moved back to 2nd grade about a month after he started 3rd.

Alot can change in a childs maturity level in 6 months. I'd wait. Especially since she is so bright. And keep up the expectations at home and backing up the teachers when she has a difficult day.

I started college at the age of 17. I was just fine.

[buffedstuff]

Your daughter might be a beautiful little...sanguine holding her back will not change her personality....a good teacher will work with her personality
for more information checkout this website....http://oneishy.com/personality/sanguine_strengths.php

I hope this helps

[wen774]

My daughter is also in first grade and the youngest in the class with an august birthday. We arent seeing any of the problems you are talking about. I think you need to decide if the issues are a matter of maturity, or a matter of personality. If that is just her personality, then holding her back wont change anything, and could in fact make it worse if she is bored.

[momacat]

I wonder if her behavior really has anything to do with her age. I suspect that it doesn't. I wonder if part of the reason that she's acting out in school is because she's bored. I think that keeping her back in school next year when she's progressing so well academically would be very harmful to her. You know if she was in kindergarden rather than first grade her behavior would not be acceptable.

[maggieb43]

I think you might consider having her professionally evaluated.

I was 10 when placed in a class for the "gifted." The expectations were great and I feared living up to them--I did not thrive in that environment. While I was "bright" (IQ 145) and an excellent student, I was emotionally immature and had a difficult time, which unfortunately followed me into high school and beyond. I seemed to have suffered a crisis of confidence which took me years to overcome.

This was my my experience, (and I was a bit older than your child), but the point is that intellect and maturity are not the same thing. A difference of six months in the younger grades can certainly make a difference, depending on the child. I know friends and family who are very glad of the decision to hold their child back as well as parents who wish they had. I'm not necessarily advocating this in the case of your child, merely stating that it can sometimes be the best thing for a particular child, it should not be viewed negatively.

It sounds as though your instincts are telling you something about your daughter--listen to them. Your goal should be that your child's education promotes both her intellect and her personality/emotional health. I would urge you to have her professionally evaluated in order to help you make the best decision for her. (Hey, she may merely be "spirited" and creative and simply needs a little "re-direction," lol.)

I wish you and your family the best.

ETA: With all due respect--teachers can sometimes "miss the boat" when it comes to a particular child. Case in point: Dh was considered "remedial" despite excelling in art and math. He was dyslexic. I believe our 13 yro niece is also and she continues to go undiagnosed and unassisted. (Hey, I'm not her mother and dh--his sister's child--is loathe to "butt in.") The point being, educators sometimes can't or don't notice what is really going on with a child. You know her best.

[LoveMyGSDs]

Honestly I think this may be a personality/discipline issue and not a maturity issue. The problems you described sound more like a child who doesn't think they need to always listen to authority. A child who will constantly test boundaries and needs to be called out on it EVERY time. I think you can see this from the teacher's most recent comments that she could tell something happened at home because your daughter was good in school that day.

You may want to set up a system with the teacher so that you hear of all incidents of bad behavior, not just the really bad ones like hitting. That was you can express your disappointment, reinforce that you expect her to listen to her teacher and behave appropriately in school, and enforce discipline at home.

I have a late July birthday and started kindergarten less then 2 months after turning 5. I didn't have any of these issues. However, it sounds like your daughter is very smart. I have (and had at that time) a genius IQ. I can certainly tell you that school wasn't challenging enough for me, even at that young age. To be held back a year would have been intolerable. If you hold her back a year then there might just be more or different behavioral issues in school because she will now be bored with the material being taught.

[maggieb43]

While everyone here makes valid points, none of us knows your particular child or her true intellectual capacity. (Would she truly be "bored and unchallenged" in the first grade?) Six months, to a year, sometimes over a year, as you said, can certainly make a difference socially.

Have her professionally evaluated, if for no other reason than to have additional information to help you decide the best course of action for your child.

And try not to stress too much over it.

[karenb]

when the kikds will wall remember and make fun of her.

[HAB]

Boy, alot of your post could have been said about me when I was your daughters age. Very bright, fidgety and restless in class leading to behavior/discipline problems. I also have a July birthday although I am not sure that matters.

While you could hold her back I don't think that would solve the problem and may make it worse. Just because she is "bossy, stubborn, strong-willed" doesn't mean she is socially immature, I know a lot of adults like that, lol.

What finally worked for me was being put into a split class. Basically, I was bored to tears and was finding other ways to "amuse" myself. I also had some issues at home that were affecting my behavior, but things did get a lot better when I was challenged at school.

I don't know anything about your school district but are there programs for gifted children or split classes available? Maybe she could be in a class with kids who are still close to her in age but a little more advanced than her current class.

Regardless of what I said above, you are the only one who really knows your child and knows what is best for her.

[terri73]

My DD was 4years old for the first five days of Kindergarten so I understand the 'baby of the class" thing. I didn't want her to go to Kindergarten that year but was told to take her to screening and have them label her too young so that she could still attend preschool. Well, needless to say after testing she came flying out toward me and said"I can go to school' She aced everything. So I sent her. She was in the top 5 % of her class until a couple of years ago.

When she switched to intermediate school she had a lousy teacher and she had a bad year. When she started fith grade the teachers told me that they thought that the reason she didn't want to do her work and didn't care about school was that she was bored. That she was extremely gifted. But inthere opinion TAG would do her no good because she was so much more mature than the other children that she didn't want to deal with them.

They told me that her talkativeness(if thats a word) her inability to want to set still, etc in her earlier grades were all caused by this. She was just father along than the other kids and would get bored and it caused her to wonder.

I have started to begin to rethink the whole start them at a young 5 thing. She is struggling now in math, and really hates school. I send her to an afterschool program to insure that she gets help with her math. The teacher there even agrees that she is lazy and that is why she dragging behind in math, not because of her age.

I am hoping that I don't regret in in high school.

[HSAP_Mama]

Homeschool

[Bubear50]

As an educator by degree and parent of 6 children, I would STRONGLY suggest (because she is an only child) to consider maybe sending your child to a Private School / Christian Academy setting.

The government based schools are for the most part ill equipt to deal with the large class size and the teachers are overworked and basically don't give a crap. And Im not even going to dwell on the fact that thay can't even sneeze without the fear of offending someone and possibly losing thier job.

Also because in PS/CA's the classes are smaller she will receive the attention she needs and learn christian based social skills. All my children attended either a PS or CA during the times we moved around and all are very successful adults with college educations.

Raising a child is a tough job and getting all the wholesome help we can get can only make this tough thankless job a little easier.

I hope you will consider my advice. She sounds like a wonderful child.

Tony

[jedswife]

if her grades are good i would never hold her back in the public school system ever.....its best to get her in and out as quickly as possible....i would never recommend anything that would keep a child in the school system for any time longer than necessary.

[Tennis4.0]

What are the class sizes of your public school? We have no more than 17, and neither did our last public school. Most importantly, I think you are getting some great advice from all over the board here. I was a young student and started K when I was 4. Almost always the youngest. I personally was an excellent student academically. I was off the chart on tests, got my masters in a year and made all A's. In undergrad I was pretty much the same. But I was stunted emotionally. I wasn't mature enough to make friends in kindergarten and it stayed with me until college. My DS is in 2nd grade and he is a September birthday and age 8. He is not the oldest in his class by far. We live in a university town with mostly university professor's kids in his class. And I can say that there is not one student who is bored. Again, the classroom size is small so that is important to look at. It can make a huge difference. I wish you the best of luck in this decision making. Keep us posted.

[Jake]

I wouldn't do it, unless grades were an issue. If grades were an issue, I'd do it sooner than later.

Your child is very strong willed, according to your post. The attributes that drive you nuts today may make her CEO of a succesful company when she is an adult. Don't squash that. Teach her to channel it instead.

[CarolynF]

I wouldn't hold her back. She is a bright little girl who is strong-willed. There are some good parenting books out there..The Strong-Willed Child by James Dobson is a good one to read. I think the fact that you are getting a grip on
her negative behavior is good.

Well, you probably should have held her back in kindergarten or not started her. I think being held back can be a bit traumatic for some kids and may cause more behavior problems.

I might meet with the guidance counselor IN THE SCHOOL first. Maybe a few
sessions with her with your child will help continue her good behavior. And,
if she feels you need more counseling, she can send you on (at your own expense..probably).

Do you ever watch Super Nanny? Monday nights..It is a great show to watch..and get parenting tips.. Good luck.

[jenna...]

Originally Posted by HAB

Boy, a lot of your post could have been said about me when I was your daughters age. Very bright, fidgety and restless in class leading to behavior/discipline problems. I also have a July birthday although I am not sure that matters.

While you could hold her back I don't think that would solve the problem and may make it worse. Just because she is "bossy, stubborn, strong-willed" doesn't mean she is socially immature, I know a lot of adults like that, lol.

What finally worked for me was being put into a split class. Basically, I was bored to tears and was finding other ways to "amuse" myself. I also had some issues at home that were affecting my behavior, but things did get a lot better when I was challenged at school.

I don't know anything about your school district but are there programs for gifted children or split classes available? Maybe she could be in a class with kids who are still close to her in age but a little more advanced than her current class.

Regardless of what I said above, you are the only one who really knows your child and knows what is best for her.

I was the youngest in my class all the way through school and had an October date. I know I wasn't the maturest kid around and actually enjoyed being youngest . But seriously she needs to be challenged. Whether it's school, after school activities or beginning sports she needs to have discipline. My nephew did it by putting his kids in a Ti Kwon Do class. The kids learn respect, discipline and patience and get rewarded for their work.

[MICHIE5]

I agree with several issues:
1.) Do not hold her back if she is doing well academically.
2.) She sounds board socially or maybe she is frustrated-I would start dropping by the school during the day unexpectedly just to get a "vibe" on the overall socialization of the class and the teacher-something maybe wrong with the teacher and the way she facilitating socilization-maybe favorites or not helping children get along well in "threatening" situations?
3.) I definately would not worry about the ADD issues-I have mixed thoughts on medicating children for behaviour issues-it is just not right!
4.) Listen to your gut instinct-take a couple of long walks & then listen to what your soul is telling you about all of this.... women's intution is incredible!!!!
5.) And most of all be her biggest fan-if you start treating her like she has problems at this young of an age then she will....
6.) She sounds perfectly normal to me..

Hugs!!!
Good Luck!