On this Journey alone, married, but a-l-o-n-e (MENS' OPINIONS TOO PLEASE!)

2big4britjez · 01-26-2007, 06:50 AM

With the new year I put my foot down and decided to make some major changes in my life. I went LC and also admitted to myself I could not quit drinking by myself and needed help. I'm going for counseling and have become a new member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

This past Monday evening, an hour before I was to go to that first AA meeting, my family and I were eating dinner. I talked about how excited I was to go because it meant I was going to get support, and how support right now is CRUCIAL! As I spoke, I hit a nerve and began to cry. The crying got more intense so I left the dinner table and sat in the next room...alone.

As I sat there bawling my eyes out, it really hit me how alone I was on this new path. Did my husband come over and comfort me? No. Did he let me cry on his shoulder? No. I can understand my kids not reacting, being 13 and 10. They've never seen Mom so upset before and were probably scared.

When I regained my composure, I went back to the table and apologized if I ruined anyone's dinner. My DH, chomping away, uttered "Not at all..." My kids eventually got done eating and went into another room out of earshot.

As I poked at my broccoli and chicken, I let him have it! After 16 years of marriage, whatever happened to the man who would come and hug me when I cried (PMSing or NOT!)? Does he still LOVE me? (yes) But did he explain why he didn't come to me? No. He simply didn't know what to say, or why. He admitted he screwed up...big time...but didn't say much else. I blasted him with, "I'm about to go get hugs from COMPLETE STRANGERS, but I can't even get one from my own husband!!!"

He did eventually come around the table when I began to cry again, and then I really bawled, but what is it with men (hopefully there are some of you men reading this...) when they need to be T-O-L-D how to comfort their wife?

Val

Edin · 01-27-2007, 09:10 AM

hi val, could he be afraid also? he knows that this will massively change the dynamics and patterns in the home, and perhaps could he be afraid of the outcome, and maybe he is worried that you will decide that he is part of why you drink?? (not that he is, etc.) there is a group called, alanon. i have known people that go to support the person in their life who is attending aa. perhaps they have some literature on-line??

i admire your courage to make big changes. great things are ahead!! i'll pray for you and your family. God bless

Okira · 01-27-2007, 09:23 AM

Well, I've been married for 25 years and sometimes we just need to tell our hubbies what we need. I'm sure if you had walked up to him and told him you needed a hug, he would've given you one. Like Edin said, he's probably nervous about the changes that are about to take place within you and within your family.
Peace,
Okira

metqa · 01-31-2007, 04:54 PM

I'm sorry to say this, but if he was not disturbed enough, by your obvious upset, to at least stop eating for a moment, then he deserved to get chewed out. Even a cat will rub your leg, if you are upset. Even going to stand next to you without touching. The proximity conveys love and empathy. Sometimes the hugs from strangers are the most comforting

Now I'm crying cause I wish I could just reach out and give you a big hug right now! You're doing the most important thing, and that is loving yourself.

2big4britjez · 01-31-2007, 06:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by metqa

Now I'm crying cause I wish I could just reach out and give you a big hug right now! You're doing the most important thing, and that is loving yourself.

Awww...that is so sweet, thanks! I am feeling much better since I wrote this thread; although there's been no change on the marital front. It's ok. I agree with the posts that this is uncharted territory for us, so the nerves may be a little riled.

Thanks for everybody's concern!

Edin · 01-31-2007, 09:49 PM

glad you checked in, val. pls take care, ok. sending prayers, and hugs. God bless

Bluebell · 01-31-2007, 10:11 PM

I can kind of understand where he's coming from.

I *HATE*, absolutely loathe, to cry in front of other people. If I have to do it, I don't want hugs and I don't want to be comforted. I want to deal with whatever's bugging me and then stop crying and stop the mucusfest.

Because of this -- even though I'm really friendly otherwise -- I give people their space when they're freaking out. (We give what we would want most of the time until we know what we should give, right?)

It's not that he doesn't love you. He just doesn't need that himself, so it doesn't occur to him that anyone else would need it. So yeah, sometimes we gotta tell people (not just husbands) what we need.

*hug* One day at a time, hon.

karrier · 02-01-2007, 05:03 AM

As someone who started this WOE many times by myself I know it is hard. Just try and come to the boards for support. I always found the people here so suppotive and knowledgable.
Let DH and the kids off the hook for now and realize it is your responsibility to watch what goes into your mouth.
I for many years said I couldn't do this because all the kids "had to" have junk food in the house for them. How could I deny them. Well they now have carrot sticks and LC ice blocks and they are still happy. DH will eat anything I put in front of him so I cook LC for us all.
Just make it easier for you. Don't try to live in 'two worlds'.

peanutte · 02-01-2007, 08:10 AM

Not to mention, Val, you're making some huge changes, and it's likely that your husband simply can't understand all the emotions being churned up right now. There is nothing wrong with leaning on your new sober friends; they've been through it and they can empathize more easily, I'd suspect.

harleymoma · 02-01-2007, 09:55 AM

hi sweetie
i am so glad you are getting help for you
in time he will see the changes in you
i too have a man in my life that the world revolves around him
and his friends and than i get the left overs
sometimes i sit and wonder why do i put myself thru this
but i have decided 2007 is for me
i am not going to sit and wait for him to show me attention
i am going to be happy for me
where in michigan do you live
i am from warren
sending you a big hug
you can make it

2big4britjez · 02-01-2007, 11:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by harleymoma

hi sweetie
i am so glad you are getting help for you
in time he will see the changes in you
i too have a man in my life that the world revolves around him
and his friends and than i get the left overs
sometimes i sit and wonder why do i put myself thru this
but i have decided 2007 is for me
i am not going to sit and wait for him to show me attention
i am going to be happy for me
where in michigan do you live
i am from warren
sending you a big hug
you can make it

Wow! I see by our stats we're practically identical! I'm up on 34 Mile just east of Romeo (Armada address). Whereabouts are you in Warren? That's a big city! LOL

Yep, 2007 is for me too. I'm usually catering to our daughters (13 & 10) or anybody else in need. This is the year *I* need.

Thanks for the hug!

Tracey40 · 02-01-2007, 11:56 AM

Val - I wish you success on this journey!!!

You are important and you can do this!!!

harleymoma · 02-01-2007, 02:27 PM

i am here at 10 mile and hoover
your out by all the cider mills
keep in touch
if i can help please let me know

2big4britjez · 02-01-2007, 08:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by harleymoma

i am here at 10 mile and hoover
your out by all the cider mills
keep in touch
if i can help please let me know

I've been to Renaissance Unity a few times...
Yes, Blake's is just down the road. I raise chickens and I used to get tons of buyers for eggs with all that traffic going by. (I sell to my neighbor's work now, so don't deal with people directly anymore.)
One of these days we'll both have PMing available......

2big4britjez · 02-02-2007, 05:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by harleymoma

where in michigan do you live

Harley, have you seen this thread?

The M&M's (Melting Michiganers)

harleymoma · 02-02-2007, 06:27 AM

i have been to that church when marianne williamson preached there
the choir was so beautiful
its not the same since she quit

2big4britjez · 02-02-2007, 06:47 AM

I liked going when that guy was preaching (when it was Church of Today)...can't recall his name, but wanna say "Guy" actually. He was married but his wife divorced him I think for cheating on her??? Then she took over after he was fired, and that's when I quit going. I loved the man who started "Church of Today"...

I guess I just hijacked my own thread!!

harleymoma · 02-02-2007, 09:45 AM

yes thats what it was the church of today
me and my mom went every sunday
they had a lot of classes to attend for pretty much every problem you had

2big4britjez · 02-02-2007, 09:50 AM

Uh huh...there's a class right now (Adult Children of Alcoholics) that my counselor would like me to attend, but it's soooo far. At least I go to AA meetings nearby.

Do you mind me asking how old you are?

harleymoma · 02-02-2007, 11:04 AM

i am 46 divorced
children are 27 and 29
i am a young old person

2big4britjez · 02-02-2007, 11:10 AM

I'm gonna start a thread in the Lounge to YOU, so subscribers don't have to be bothered with this.........

01-26-2007, 06:50 AM	#1
2big4britjez MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Michigan Posts: 1,094 Gallery: 2big4britjez Stats: 230/219/160 WOE: Atkins Start Date: June 23, 2008 & Jan 1, 2009	On this Journey alone, married, but a-l-o-n-e (MENS' OPINIONS TOO PLEASE!) With the new year I put my foot down and decided to make some major changes in my life. I went LC and also admitted to myself I could not quit drinking by myself and needed help. I'm going for counseling and have become a new member of Alcoholics Anonymous. This past Monday evening, an hour before I was to go to that first AA meeting, my family and I were eating dinner. I talked about how excited I was to go because it meant I was going to get support, and how support right now is CRUCIAL! As I spoke, I hit a nerve and began to cry. The crying got more intense so I left the dinner table and sat in the next room...alone. As I sat there bawling my eyes out, it really hit me how alone I was on this new path. Did my husband come over and comfort me? No. Did he let me cry on his shoulder? No. I can understand my kids not reacting, being 13 and 10. They've never seen Mom so upset before and were probably scared. When I regained my composure, I went back to the table and apologized if I ruined anyone's dinner. My DH, chomping away, uttered "Not at all..." My kids eventually got done eating and went into another room out of earshot. As I poked at my broccoli and chicken, I let him have it! After 16 years of marriage, whatever happened to the man who would come and hug me when I cried (PMSing or NOT!)? Does he still LOVE me? (yes) But did he explain why he didn't come to me? No. He simply didn't know what to say, or why. He admitted he screwed up...big time...but didn't say much else. I blasted him with, "I'm about to go get hugs from COMPLETE STRANGERS, but I can't even get one from my own husband!!!" He did eventually come around the table when I began to cry again, and then I really bawled, but what is it with men (hopefully there are some of you men reading this...) when they need to be T-O-L-D how to comfort their wife? Val __________________ Val

01-27-2007, 09:10 AM	#2
Edin Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: So. Calif Posts: 7,667 Gallery: Edin WOE: South Beach Start Date: November 2006	hi val, could he be afraid also? he knows that this will massively change the dynamics and patterns in the home, and perhaps could he be afraid of the outcome, and maybe he is worried that you will decide that he is part of why you drink?? (not that he is, etc.) there is a group called, alanon. i have known people that go to support the person in their life who is attending aa. perhaps they have some literature on-line?? i admire your courage to make big changes. great things are ahead!! i'll pray for you and your family. God bless __________________ - Stephanie "A Man Is Only As Tall As The Sum Of His Deeds" "Be careful the environment you choose for it will shape you; be careful the friends you choose for you will become like them." - W. Clement Stone

01-31-2007, 04:54 PM	#4
metqa Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Athens, GA Posts: 3,052 Gallery: metqa WOE: Moderate Carbs/Atkins Start Date: November 2003	I'm sorry to say this, but if he was not disturbed enough, by your obvious upset, to at least stop eating for a moment, then he deserved to get chewed out. Even a cat will rub your leg, if you are upset. Even going to stand next to you without touching. The proximity conveys love and empathy. Sometimes the hugs from strangers are the most comforting Now I'm crying cause I wish I could just reach out and give you a big hug right now! You're doing the most important thing, and that is loving yourself. __________________ "You have to understand zat ven a vampire forgoes . . .the b-vord, zere is a process zat ve call transference? Zey force Zemselves to desire somesing else? . . .But your friend chose . . . coffee. And now he has none." "You can find him some coffee, or . . .you can keep a vooden stake and a big knife ready. You vould be doink him a favor, believe me." １０年より若い１０時間で　私は8時間　を終わったことがあります。

01-31-2007, 10:11 PM	#7
Bluebell Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: WV Posts: 181 Gallery: Bluebell Stats: about 344/308.8/299 short-term WOE: Atkins with tweaks Start Date: Induction 01/26/07	I can kind of understand where he's coming from. I HATE, absolutely loathe, to cry in front of other people. If I have to do it, I don't want hugs and I don't want to be comforted. I want to deal with whatever's bugging me and then stop crying and stop the mucusfest. Because of this -- even though I'm really friendly otherwise -- I give people their space when they're freaking out. (We give what we would want most of the time until we know what we should give, right?) It's not that he doesn't love you. He just doesn't need that himself, so it doesn't occur to him that anyone else would need it. So yeah, sometimes we gotta tell people (not just husbands) what we need. hug One day at a time, hon. __________________ If God wanted you to deal with the next 12 months today, He would have created a day to be 12 months long! Don't worry about anything but TODAY! "...if you can't rally around your own internal support structure there will be a day when one bite turns into 40 pounds." --nero36 (emphasis mine) I'm losing 100 pounds in 2007! 35.2 down, 64.8 to go!

02-01-2007, 05:03 AM	#8
karrier Senior LCF Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Havelock North New Zealand Posts: 106 Gallery: karrier Stats: 275/225/130 WOE: atkins Start Date: January 2007	As someone who started this WOE many times by myself I know it is hard. Just try and come to the boards for support. I always found the people here so suppotive and knowledgable. Let DH and the kids off the hook for now and realize it is your responsibility to watch what goes into your mouth. I for many years said I couldn't do this because all the kids "had to" have junk food in the house for them. How could I deny them. Well they now have carrot sticks and LC ice blocks and they are still happy. DH will eat anything I put in front of him so I cook LC for us all. Just make it easier for you. Don't try to live in 'two worlds'. __________________ weekly goals Water 100 oz./day Exercise 4X/week 275/225/130

01-27-2007, 09:23 AM	#3
Okira MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Southeast Posts: 1,229 Gallery: Okira Stats: 223/181/150 WOE: Atkins Start Date: August, 2005	Well, I've been married for 25 years and sometimes we just need to tell our hubbies what we need. I'm sure if you had walked up to him and told him you needed a hug, he would've given you one. Like Edin said, he's probably nervous about the changes that are about to take place within you and within your family. Peace, Okira

01-31-2007, 09:49 PM	#6
Edin Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: So. Calif Posts: 7,667 Gallery: Edin WOE: South Beach Start Date: November 2006	glad you checked in, val. pls take care, ok. sending prayers, and hugs. God bless

02-01-2007, 08:10 AM	#9
peanutte MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Sep 2003 Posts: 1,814 Gallery: peanutte	Not to mention, Val, you're making some huge changes, and it's likely that your husband simply can't understand all the emotions being churned up right now. There is nothing wrong with leaning on your new sober friends; they've been through it and they can empathize more easily, I'd suspect.

02-01-2007, 09:55 AM	#10
harleymoma Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: warren, mi Posts: 213 Gallery: harleymoma Stats: 224/197.5/150 WOE: atkins Start Date: 01/01/07	hi sweetie i am so glad you are getting help for you in time he will see the changes in you i too have a man in my life that the world revolves around him and his friends and than i get the left overs sometimes i sit and wonder why do i put myself thru this but i have decided 2007 is for me i am not going to sit and wait for him to show me attention i am going to be happy for me where in michigan do you live i am from warren sending you a big hug you can make it

02-01-2007, 11:56 AM	#12
Tracey40 Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Wisconsin Posts: 3,779 Gallery: Tracey40 Stats: 161 / 143 /130 5'6 45 yrs old Start Date: Every day is a new day!	Val - I wish you success on this journey!!! You are important and you can do this!!!

02-01-2007, 02:27 PM	#13
harleymoma Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: warren, mi Posts: 213 Gallery: harleymoma Stats: 224/197.5/150 WOE: atkins Start Date: 01/01/07	i am here at 10 mile and hoover your out by all the cider mills keep in touch if i can help please let me know

02-02-2007, 06:27 AM	#16
harleymoma Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: warren, mi Posts: 213 Gallery: harleymoma Stats: 224/197.5/150 WOE: atkins Start Date: 01/01/07	i have been to that church when marianne williamson preached there the choir was so beautiful its not the same since she quit

02-02-2007, 06:47 AM	#17
2big4britjez MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Michigan Posts: 1,094 Gallery: 2big4britjez Stats: 230/219/160 WOE: Atkins Start Date: June 23, 2008 & Jan 1, 2009	I liked going when that guy was preaching (when it was Church of Today)...can't recall his name, but wanna say "Guy" actually. He was married but his wife divorced him I think for cheating on her??? Then she took over after he was fired, and that's when I quit going. I loved the man who started "Church of Today"... I guess I just hijacked my own thread!!

02-02-2007, 09:45 AM	#18
harleymoma Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: warren, mi Posts: 213 Gallery: harleymoma Stats: 224/197.5/150 WOE: atkins Start Date: 01/01/07	yes thats what it was the church of today me and my mom went every sunday they had a lot of classes to attend for pretty much every problem you had

02-02-2007, 09:50 AM	#19
2big4britjez MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Michigan Posts: 1,094 Gallery: 2big4britjez Stats: 230/219/160 WOE: Atkins Start Date: June 23, 2008 & Jan 1, 2009	Uh huh...there's a class right now (Adult Children of Alcoholics) that my counselor would like me to attend, but it's soooo far. At least I go to AA meetings nearby. Do you mind me asking how old you are?

02-02-2007, 11:04 AM	#20
harleymoma Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: warren, mi Posts: 213 Gallery: harleymoma Stats: 224/197.5/150 WOE: atkins Start Date: 01/01/07	i am 46 divorced children are 27 and 29 i am a young old person

02-02-2007, 11:10 AM	#21
2big4britjez MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Michigan Posts: 1,094 Gallery: 2big4britjez Stats: 230/219/160 WOE: Atkins Start Date: June 23, 2008 & Jan 1, 2009	I'm gonna start a thread in the Lounge to YOU, so subscribers don't have to be bothered with this.........

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