Broken relationship due to size?

[Just4Me]

Has anyone else experienced this?

My DF and I are having a "serious talk" tomorrow---about us. I think I know what's coming...

[kellysue24]

I hope it's not what you may think....think positive and if it's because you're size, that is crap anyway!

But, I hope everything works out

[Smythe]

Is this a love relationship gone bad becuse you are losing wt or becuase your DF thinks you're too big? Or is this a personal friend who can't stand to see you have some success at wt loss?
I think there may be quite a few of us who have had similar experiences It's awful either way...and very shallow. Use that hurt to fuel future success. You're the better person regardless of your size!

[jskn]

If you love somebody it shouldn't matter what size they are. Find someone who loves YOU not just your body.

[CarolinaRocker]

I hope its not what you think And if it is....then its not worth crying over, anyone who loves you for looks alone doesnt love you all the way...we all know that looks change. Real love grows stronger with time, it doesnt fade with appearances.

On that note I have to say that attitude plays a part in this too...is your self confidence and self esteem low? If it happens to be, work on that...not for any man....but for yourself

[Edwards20]

Yep, been there and done that with my ex hubby. After 10 years in the relationship he told me he wanted a "skinny woman" .... Guess what .... he got one .... I left and he picked up some skinny woman at a club or somewhere ... I think he might have got more than he bargained for with the chick. I said Godspeed to him .... Yeah, it hurt ... but overtime you realize, there are other fish in the sea. And I would rather have remained alone than be with a shallow man. There are genuine men who love YOU -- regardless of your baggage. I thank God everyday for blessing me with one.

[Purple Sage]

The best relationships can happen if you truly love yourself first. If you are taking care of yourself and totally content with your size but he is not let him go and get someone who is okay with the size you are.

However, when we are big, many of us have so much emotional baggage that goes with that and we don't even realize it. It makes it difficult for people to have love relationships with us. If it is that then work on yourself until you are where YOU really want to be, not for someone else but for you and then you can build healthy relationships.

I wish you the best.

[madamebijoux]

I hope it's not what you think!

[tyler43836]

I really hope it's not what you think! It's a hard thing to go through this and realize that you could've put your love and hope into someone that ican be so shallow.

[CarolinaRocker]

and if it turns out that it IS what you think....keep in mind that maybe his reasons are not because of your weight at all...but that might be what HE will say to get his own sorry self off the hook....sorta bait and switch kinda thing.

Im just saying....I know nothing about your relationship...but I have experience in bad relationships unfortunately

[charmedpea]

I hope its not what you think.. And if it is.. you dont need them in your life.. you deserve better..

charmed

[Tylar_Connar]

His loss if this is so!

[Weedydidi]

I dumped my fiance because he said, "Fine! Stay fat the rest of your life" because I had gained about 15 pounds after recovering from bulimia. I was devastated and heartbroken.

I'm SOOOO glad I didn't marry him! My DH is wonderful, smart, funny and frankly, is a lot more successful than my ex will ever be. We're much better suited for each other. (And I lost that weight)

I just couldn't be around someone who would encourage me to cling to an eating disorder.

[angela233]

well i am currently divorcing my husband - one of our main problems (in his mind) was my weight. I wish i had ended the realtionship much earlier - if you are not married and think he has a problem with your weight - RUN AWAY as fast as you can!!! he is not worth it

good luck

angela

[Just4Me]

No talk yet... I think it's the "elephant in the room" though. Right now we're long distance (due to some job constraints) so to top it off, all of this is over the telephone.

We're not married--usually I write "yet" but now...

Angela, sorry to hear of your experience, that's just amazing. I simply don't get it.

Thanks for all your inputs---I just don't get how love can be dependent on body size. I understand if someone's got such low self-worth they don't take care of themselves, it can be hard over a long period of time to stay with a person like that. But if they're working on whatever (self-esteem, weight, whatever "issue" --- we all have them!), I just don't get it...

[Edin]

sarah, i hope it is ok to add to this thread. you could be anorexic, over-weight, whatever. he is just wanting to hang it on "you", rather than the truth that HE is a "dog", and bailing out of the relationship. "saying" what he did makes you question yourself, blame yourself. so now "he" can then present himself that he looks like such a "good guy", and it is all "your" fault. WRONG!!!!!!! things can end for many reasons, and one is that he is not ready to settle down, or wants to play the field, etc. to say that, though it is sad, would be honest. but to say it is "your" weight.........??????? come on!!!!! he is making "it" all your fault!!!!!! WRONG!!!!!

you deserve soooooooo much more. so sorry you are hurting, but this guy is not one that is worth your love. you would love him if he was burned in a fire, lost a limb, lost a job, had cancer, went bald, etc. you would love him when he is old, and fragile.
this guy would find anything to blame you........cuz he is not honest, and he loves to "blame" his lack of love, decency, caring, integrity, etc., on you and in other areas of his life on others. he is a narcissist, and has no sense of honor and truth about him.

as you heal, hold your head high. some guy who has integrity and a brain will find you, and will know that he has a "treasure" in you!! God bless

[Peskie]

If it's because of size, then you're better off without him anyway!

[Edin]

Originally Posted by Peskie

If it's because of size, then you're better off without him anyway!

so true!! he knew your size when he met you!! it was not a problem then, so to say it is now is bogus. this guy isnt worth your time. so sorry you are hurting, but a better guy is out there, who will love you and cherish you as you are. take care.

[peanutte]

A LOT of men care a lot less about our size than we do, ladies.

We look in the mirror and think "Oh my God, look at my chin, my upper arms, my spare tire..."

Men look at us and think "Boobs! Boobs boobs boobs! Wheeee!"


angela, how are proceedings coming along?

Sarah, seriously, I feel so badly that this is happening to you--but HE is the one with the problem, not you. You know what's funny? As we get older, say, past 35, the number of skinny little women goes way down and the number of paunchy balding men goes way up. Yet they still think they should be with a thin, shapely 25 year old and WE accept THEM for being ADULT MEN. It's completely a double standard and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

However--not all men are like that. Thank God!

[Edwards20]

Sarah, any "talk" yet ?? Just checking in on you.

Originally Posted by SarahB150

I just don't get how love can be dependent on body size.

"THAT" is NOT Love. It's called "SHALLOW".

Originally Posted by peanutte

However--not all men are like that. Thank God!

And Sarah, don't "SETTLE" for one that is shallow!!

[Just4Me]

I had a carb "bender".

We had part of the talk, basically that for him, there is no longer a romantic element to our relationship. I asked "Is it because of me?" "Yes," he answered, "but it's not why you think," he said. I said "I think it's because of my weight." He answered, "That's what I thought you'd think." And that's where we left it.

Mind you, this was over the phone, as he's 2000 miles away right now.

I've had a HUGE emotional-eating carb bender: one meal of hashbrowns with cheese, otherwise more croissants and pieces of baklava than I can count.

Today was my first day of detox. After we talked on the phone (chit-chat, nothing substantive), I wanted to immediately run up to the store for another pack of croissants and baklava. The only thing that stopped me is the ice storm outside (and an e-mailed video of footage shot yesterday in the ice, all these cars sliding around bumping into each other, lamp-posts, etc.).

Ice storm...

Croissants! Baklava!

Ice storm...

Carbs!!

I finally managed to figure out that I was stuffing my face to stuff my feelings. I don't know what to think. He's not shallow. He's not callous. He isn't here and can't see my face, and since I haven't told him how hurt I am, he has no way of knowing it. I just don't get it.

In stuffing my feelings, I was really punishing myself: for being so fat, for being weak, ugly, insecure, pathetic, fill-in-the-blank. I called myself all those and more.

BUT---that's not me. I don't do that to myself anymore. That's, I think, what has helped the ice-storm halt my carb bender.

Anyway, long story short, I don't know if we're done as in over as in history, or breathing room, or what. And I don't know why, although he did say it isn't because of my weight. Of course I want to know, though.

[angela233]

Sarah,

i know it is hard not to obsess but he did say it is not about your weight - talk to him about it and then make a decision.

angela

[Edwards20]

Sarah .... Girl, I can so relate to you. I have gone through this. WATCH WHAT YOU EAT, trust me. And, if you feel it's your weight, and he is a good guy -- then it might be just that. My ex didn't want to hurt my feelings, so he patronized me for a while. When all was said and done he wanted the skinny woman. I think he regrets it all now. If the relationship is unhealthy, consider your options. I am here to listen and do what I can for you. I know your pain .... but talk, talk, talk ... don't eat away the pain, stress.

[Just4Me]

Thank you guys so much for your caring and support! We talked, finally (still over the phone, but that's better than this "elephant"). I had assumed many things that were incorrect:

Because of my faith, I'm one of those that will wait for marriage. However, "wait on what"? -- where that line exactly is, is the question, and that's what he said was not going to happen any more. I had assumed (though I didn't realize it at the time) that the "what" was much more important to our relationship. So when he said it wasn't going to happen, I assumed the whole thing was over. He said he didn't want me to feel pressured to do anything that I didn't want to do, so he was going to draw that line for us.

When he affirmatively answered my question "is it because of me", I first assumed it was my weight. Then after he said no, I've been assuming that he doesn't love me anymore, for some personality reason or reasons, or whatever.

That, too, was incorrect. We haven't finished talking about it, but he wants to deepen our friendship and continue to deepen our romantic relationship without the sexual stuff. I had assumed this was a permanent change. That was also incorrect---it is for the purpose of deepening those other sides of our relationship. This was all last night on the phone.

I had a major insight after we hung up last night: I realized that my drive to lose weight has largely been fueled by "doing it for him." For example, there's a yellow sundress at Talbots that I've been dreaming about for 2 years, and rhapsodizing about to him for 2 years. Over the course of these 2 years, that yellow sundress has changed from symbolizing my new life without my weight, to symbolizing wearing it for him and being a sexual being for him. I know part of my desire is to lose weight for him, and I think that's alright so long as that is only part of my desire to lose weight. But last night I realized that losing the weight for him (never has he commented on it, other than either to cheerlead or to kick my a** on request) had become the ONLY reason I was losing it. And that's NOT okay with me. So I'm working on that.

And last I need to work on my self-esteem---it was way to easy for me to assume the worst, and then to PUNISH myself for it, blaming my body. I want that to change. That's not the true me, I want him to know Me, not just my insecurities.

This has really been an eye-opening experience. I thank God that I was wrong, but I also need help understanding in my heart that losing weight is the best and most necessary gift I should give myself.

[angela233]

Sarah,

I am so glad you two talked - it's so much better to know what is going on. You've learned a lot about yourself - it's so easy to blame everything on our weight.

good luck and let us know how it goes

angela

[Edin]

hi sarah, i am so glad that you have some clarity. this guy sounds like he has a good heart, and understands that lasting relationships are built on sincere caring and friendship. i am so happy that you have someone of that caliber.

let us know how you are doing, and so glad you are back on track. so often it is hardest to love onself. i definitely struggle with that one right now. here's to wearing that gorgeous yellow sundress this summer!!

[2big4britjez]

My first DH preached at me for 10 years to lose weight (40 lbs). "Do you really need that?" as I took seconds of spaghetti... "You don't need that..." as I filled my bowl of chocolate chip ice cream.

Then one day I decided I'd had enough of MY weight and went to WW. Pound by pound it came off...all 40 lbs!! Did DH say anything then? Nope. I got more attention at the office than from my DH. And you know what? I divorced him!

Enter DH #2

Still down at my goal weight of 149 (size 8), I met a man who just adored(s) me. Sixteen years later, at 230 lbs (size 22/24), I told him I was very insecure about myself and worried it would end up in another divorce because of my weight. He said, "I like large women! I don't like skinny women! Even my buddy agrees...he likes big women too, so just get it out of your head!"

That was about a month ago......

Today I'm down 10.5 lbs and my goal is for 60 more. Wonder what's going thru hubby's head NOW?! In another post, I just wrote how he's not really showing me emotional support for my issues, so we're working on it. I think the poor guy must be totally confused! LOL

Sarah, I'm glad you're back on track and it sounds like you found yourself a keeper!

Val