My sister just called and yelled at me

[SkeeterN]

After an arguement with my Mother who told my sister she needed to lose weight. My mother was wrong because my sister knows she needs to lose weight but I didn't say it. She doesn't yell at my Mom but me. My sister called and yelled at me for being thin. Yes she did!

For Christmas my DH gave me $100 to go shopping for myself. She said that when we went shopping after Christmas and I was picking out the small sizes (I was not saying one word to anyone) I made her feel bad. She said that she could never be as good as little miss perfect. Cause I do not cheat ever and this drives her batty. Said that she could never do low carb. I told her then don't do low carb. She said she hates it when people say anything about her weight. I told her I never say one word to her about her weight. She said I don't have too. One look at me says it all. I am thin she is fat. (Her words never mine)

What am I suppose to do about that? Gain all my weight back to make her feel better about herself. I worked very hard to lose my weight. I maintain by not going off plan.

[daisymaiz]

Your sister was most likely upset with your mom and with herself and took it out on you.....try not to feel bad about it, it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong.

[Cathie in UT]

Skeeter
Nope don't gain weight back LOL
She is projecting as the shrinks say...and venting all that she feels but really knows isn't true. She must really trust you to hear all that is in her brain and know that you won't hate her in the end.
I would just put my arms around her...if you can ( meaning that she will allow it) and tell her that you love her and are there to help if she wants it!
Hard to do but right now I am guessing she is really very unhappy with herself!

[TexasKitKat]

I'm sorry your sister yelled at you! This reminds me about people who are getting under religious conviction. They can turn mean before they finally give in. Your sister is obviously fighting her inner desire to do what you've done by lambasting you. It's not really you she's mad at...it's herself!

Just keep doing what you are doing....your actions are already screaming at her and when she finally "gets it" she will greatly admire your consistency and discipline. It can be darkest just before dawn but daylight's coming!

[SkeeterN]

Originally Posted by Cathie in UT

Skeeter
Nope don't gain weight back LOL
She is projecting as the shrinks say...and venting all that she feels but really knows isn't true. She must really trust you to hear all that is in her brain and know that you won't hate her in the end.
I would just put my arms around her...if you can ( meaning that she will allow it) and tell her that you love her and are there to help if she wants it!
Hard to do but right now I am guessing she is really very unhappy with herself!

She is very unhappy with her life period. She cannot walk without great pain as her ankles barely support her. She has no cartlidge in one and recently had surgery on the other and it keeps swelling up. She is my height which is 4'11 and almost reaching 190 lbs. She has a terrible marriage and can't manage to clean her house cause she can't get around. She says she is allergic to all artificial sweetners but I can eat them, and she is livid that I still can eat them. Swears I can't be healthy but I am. I can't fix her life. I live 100 miles away from her so I can't really help her much but be here to be yelled at.

[teri f]

Good grief NO! Sounds like your sister needs to grow up. She has some definite control issues.

The best thing to do is keep doing what you've been doing. Don't react to her tantrums and be supportive and loving when she decides to do something about her weight. Trying to kiss her butt when she's behaving badly will only enable her bad behavior.

You are doing a wonderful job. Keep up the good work!

[sugarless4life]

My family all hate the fact that I am the "thin" one. And the fact that I run and keep myself physically fit drives them nuts too.

THEIR PROBLEM.

Betty

[Caty]

Send your sister this website via E-Mail - nothing needs to be said

[CarolinaRocker]

Let her have her hissy fit and tell her that you wont listen to that nonsense Skeeter....she knows what she has to do and is in denial and shifting the blame on you.

But I gotta tell ya...you ARE sweeter than most people I know

[SkeeterN]

Originally Posted by CarolinaRocker

Let her have her hissy fit and tell her that you wont listen to that nonsense Skeeter....she knows what she has to do and is in denial and shifting the blame on you.

But I gotta tell ya...you ARE sweeter than most people I know

Thank you.

[joy2c]

On the practical side, you can introduce her to stevia--a completely natural alternative to sugar. When she's ready that is.

Does she share your faith? When she's ready, may be you two could be "accountability partners" with regard to your respective eating plans, when she does choose one? Sounds to me like she's about to hit bottom with her weight. Just be there for her when she does.

joy

[fawn]

Skeeter I'm sorry you're feeling so bad while being so good!

Have you ever read the book "how to win friends and influence people"? Great read.
On that note, here is my advice.......
send sis a note
Maybe you could include a couple of things such as:
I'm sorry you are so upset.
I'm sorry that somehow my happiness is a reflection of your un-happiness
I love you no matter what
This is not a competition....this is my life and I have made some powerful decisions that are affecting my health in a positive way.
I am here for you always when you need me
The power of your life is in your hands.
Just my .02

All you can do is be a consistant role model and that you are doing.

One more opinion
If she cannot use artificial sweeteners, that's a good thing and it shows how sensitive her body really is which proves the girl needs to be on a whole foods chemical free diet......diet meaning daily eating habits for life.

[Nicashel]

I feel really bad for your sister. There should be pity for her, not anger. It would be ridiculous for you to take on any of her emotional baggage, because it is her own to bear & she is displacing her distress on you. Your Mom should MHOB. Your sister knows what she needs, she just isn't ready.

I cannot imagine the additional pressure that having a Mother adding to the chorus I had in my head of what a failure I was. Until Atkins clicked for me, I thought that my being over-weight was my destiny. All I had to do was look at my Aunts, sisters, Grandmother to see where I would end up. I figured I maybe my saving grace would be weightloss surgery. I thank God that my best friend gave me the DANDR & wrote this website down in the back of the book. It has added healthy years to my life, both physically & emotionally.

Skeeter, muster up all the compassion you have for sis, I lovingly refuse to be sucked into the arguement. If possible, nudge your Mother away from discussing weight with your sister. It is fruitless & cruel to use you as a weapon against her. You have accomplished so much & should truly have pride in that. You are not responsible for your sister's feelings. Just keep taking care of yourself & maybe she will follow your example someday.

Sorry this is long-winded.

[youglogirl]

What's that saying?

Misery loves company.

It is unfortunate that you sister has a problem with her weight and she's venting on you but like Betty said, it's HER problem. Be strong, don't let it make you feel bad, forgive her and be there for her when she needs you. For me, nothing is stronger than family ties. You can show her the LC ropes when she's ready.

Glo

[SkeeterN]

I know that she is miserable. She has always felt a competition with me. I am the oldest of 5 years and she is the middle child of 5 years. Yes that's right my parents had us each 5 years apart. I am 10 years older than our youngest sister. Both my sister's have a weight problem. My youngest sister is doing well with South Beach. I never tell anyone what plan to follow. My youngest sister however couldn't wait for me to come down as she says I inspire her to eat on plan and not cheat quite the difference from my other sister.

I made Spongebob's banana muffins for breakfast one morning everyone loved them even those not on low carb. My middle sister (the one who yelled at me) told me today that she doesn't have time to make foods for herself. Soooo I said well don't. Choose what works for you.

She says she doesn't over eat but when I was there she ate almost constantly of sugary items. I see this but worry about mentioning this so again I stay silent.

She does share my faith but she is full of depression that is over shadowing her walk with the Lord. I do not fuss at her but listen to her.

She says I am obsessed with my weight therefore I am causing Mother to fuss at her??? Because I eat on plan I am obsessed?

[fawn]

She's definitely in huge denial having a martyr fest.

[peanutte]

It sounds to me like she takes your thinness as a judgement upon her own weight. I can sympathize with her feelings becuase if she does have a painful leg condition, she must feel like it's hopeless. But there is an element of pettiness there too. She needs to know whe is a good person and she needs to be likeable and learn to be happy even if she's fat. Weight is not an excuse for being a crabby martyr. Fat is just an adjective. The rest of it is her personality and the result of her choices and attitudes.

[julieboolie]

I'm sorry this is how she's reacting. You do know that you are not to blame, right? You are loving her, not judging her. She's feeling guilt and envy and is miserable. Your mom isn't helping. Is your mother thin? Pray for your sister. You're wise to hold your tongue around her.

My mother is very heavy and very jealous of my success. She's always telling people when we dine out together that I've lost a lot of weight doing LC, "don't you just hate her?" and how she's lost a lot in the past but gained it all back. Implying that I will too in time. It used to irritate me, but I realize she's just jealous and must, at 69, have nothing better to do than try to drag me down to make herself feel better. She too is a Christian, and my own mother . Anyway, I'm trying to make peace with it and not allow it into my way of life. It's hard though.

[kidsdogsbirds]

Can (would) you offer to be her diet coach? Be her support, but offer total secrecy...so your mom doesn't get involved or pressure her?

[peanutte]

I think it's important to let her know that if she wants to try to lose weight, you will do whatever you can to help her--but that she really needs to work on some self-love and positive thinking too. Not to be crude, but a miserable martyr who loses weight is still a miserable martyr.

[maggieb43]

I like the idea of writing a letter, somehow the written word seems to have more effect than things you say in the midst of a "discussion/arguement." Yes, she is your sister and you love her and will support her, but at the same time I would make it clear you are not her whipping post. It's true a person has to come to the decision on their own to take control of their life. But in the meantime they don't have the right to make you feel lousy. Write to her that you're sorry for her troubles and are willing to help but that her yelling at you hurts you--does she really mean to hurt you? I have a brother who was always saying thoughtless, hurtful things under the guise of "just kidding." I finally said, "That hurts my feelings. Is that really what you mean to do?" Made him think, because he doesn't do it anymore.

Next time she calls you and starts to yell, say "I understand your pain, and want to help if you want it, but I'm not going to be abused." (Boy, good thing she doesn't live next door.)

[peanutte]

I have a brother who was always saying thoughtless, hurtful things under the guise of "just kidding." I finally said, "That hurts my feelings. Is that really what you mean to do?" Made him think, because he doesn't do it anymore.

Brilliant!

[maggieb43]

After re-reading these posts...y'know sometimes people really need a "Dr. Phil-tell-it-like-it-is." It's unfortunate your sister is so unhappy, but dang it, it's her life, her problems, she needs to OWN it, she's the only one who can change it. Her problems are no excuse for treating you like crap, especially when you have gone out of your way to be understanding and kind. It just really frys me when people get away with treating those they love like that...that said, I stand by my earlier post about writing a letter. It has worked for me in the past. Keep the faith, lol. (Y'know, even Jesus got angry every once in a while...)

[SkeeterN]

Originally Posted by maggieb43

After re-reading these posts...y'know sometimes people really need a "Dr. Phil-tell-it-like-it-is." It's unfortunate your sister is so unhappy, but dang it, it's her life, her problems, she needs to OWN it, she's the only one who can change it. Her problems are no excuse for treating you like crap, especially when you have gone out of your way to be understanding and kind. It just really frys me when people get away with treating those they love like that...that said, I stand by my earlier post about writing a letter. It has worked for me in the past. Keep the faith, lol. (Y'know, even Jesus got angry every once in a while...)

She has been like this to me my whole life. I am very passive and she knows it. The one that hurt me the most was when she found out I was going to have a medical dental makeover. (for those who don't know it was kinda like that show supreme makeover's) She said and I quote, "Oh gosh now I will be the ugly sister" Now that one really hurt me.

www.freewebs.com/anitak1982/

[maggieb43]

Just know, you are not the cause of her problems. As I said, offer support but don't allow her to abuse you, either. You have accomplished a great deal, she should be happy for you. (As a matter of fact, my younger sister has lost 50 lbs on Weight Watchers. While dieting, she would call and give me updates (she's in New England, I'm in FL) and I was so proud and happy for her self-esteem and her health improvements and I told her she motivated me too, and I have since lost over 30 myself low-carbing, it's the only thing that works for me. We saw each other over Christmas and were both so happy for each other!) Anyway, it isn't really you, you haven't done anything wrong, she'll just have to figure this one out. In the meantime, don't let it get you down.

[maggieb43]

"I'm passive and she knows it....." NOW I got the picture. Now a little tough love for you, Skeeter, lol. Ok, so she's a bully. She abuses you because YOU ALLOW IT. The other thing about bullys is they're usually cowards and will back down when you tell them to KNOCK IT OFF. Break the cycle. She starts in, just don't allow it--and you can be nice about it. (And does she really think you lost all that weight and got healthy JUST TO MAKE HER LOOK BAD, lol? Jeez. How small-minded self-centered.) Look, I know she's your sister, but I re-iterate, she doesn't have the right to treat you this way. Maybe she needs a wake-up call from her "formerly passive sister," lol. Life's too short for these angry, negative people to suck us dry. Tell her to call ME, I'll set her straight, lol.

I know there'll be people who will say "But she's her sister." Well, what kind of a relationship do you really have? Full of resentment on both sides. If you were able to let her negativity roll off your back, fine, but it bothers you enough to write about it on this website...try the letter. If that doesn't work, get caller id, and DON'T PICK UP THE PHONE, lol.

[peanutte]

Calmly saying "I will not allow you to speak to me that way" is a good start.