Feeling uncomfortable with compliments

[ixtapacheryl]

Do any of you feel VERY uncomfortable when the focus is directed toward your weight loss? I experienced this feeling today when I saw a gal that I hadn't seen since last Spring. Bless her heart - she was raving and going on like there was no tomorrow. Then more people got involved and I just wanted to hide or walk away. Why is this? I should feel like staying forever and basking in the limelight - but the feeling was just the opposite.

How do you feel when people go overboard?

[BrookJay]

Very much the same way!! It can be very uncomfortable!

For the most part I'll say, "thank you", and try to change the subject.

[ixtapacheryl]

Why do you think we feel that way? Gosh I was embarrassed when I was overweight - and now that I am thinner - I'm embarrassed when people compliment me.....

[BrookJay]

I dunno! I think it's just such a different kind of attention. I know how to handle negative attention, Lord knows I've had practice. But positive attention centered on not just something I've accomplished but my physical appearance too sends me scrambling for an appropriate reaction!

[ixtapacheryl]

Maybe that's a clue - the attention is centered on our looks - not our accomplishments (even though the weight loss is an accomplishment).... you know what I mean.

I sure would like to ask Dr. Phil. I know he would have the answer. Too bad they don't have a question/answer section on his website.

[BuckeyeLori]

I'd like to know the answer, too. I've had a pattern of behavior in the past where once my weight loss becomes noticable, and people are giving me compliments, I fall off the wagon. That's just silly, but it's been a pattern. No more, though. Today, I just smiled, and said thank you. I've decided it's my time, I guess. But as more compliments roll in, I will be having to keep pushing through.

A Q & A on Dr. Phil WOULD be good!

[ixtapacheryl]

Originally Posted by BuckeyeLori

I'd like to know the answer, too. I've had a pattern of behavior in the past where once my weight loss becomes noticable, and people are giving me compliments, I fall off the wagon. That's just silly, but it's been a pattern. No more, though. Today, I just smiled, and said thank you. I've decided it's my time, I guess. But as more compliments roll in, I will be having to keep pushing through.

A Q & A on Dr. Phil WOULD be good!

I know what you are talking about. In the past when I lost the weight - I would start feeling real uncomfortable with my body - get anxious and just not "feel right". Then I would start eating again and gain the weight back. Then I felt comfortable again, even though I hated the way I looked.

Does anyone out there have a degree in psychology? We need your help!!!

[AllieCat0817]

I wouldn't say 'uncomfortable'. But annoying. Especially when it first happened for me. It was like certain people, no matter if I saw them 50 times in one day, everytime they saw me they had to discuss the weight loss. As if that was all there was to me. I used to get so mad I'd avoid certain people on purpose.. like take a different building entrance at work etc. I had to tell certain people that 'skinny minny' fifty leven times a day was workin my nerve and not fun.

Sigh... yeah I"d rather that than the opposite, but still, it gets old, FAST.

[Sadler_Girl]

Dr Phil has the ask Robin ( and DrPhil) day
ask robin
You could ask there.

[itsmeshelly1]

you know i feel this same way sometimes...i like it but then again i dont like it...if its just 1 person then im usually ok with it...i still try to change the subject though or just say thanks and hurry away but when its a bunch of people and they just go on and on it does get very uncomfortable...now i love it when i havent seen someone in a while and they say something and they really and truly are interrested in how i did it and not just focusing on ME so much you know...i dont mind telling all about how i have done it but when the focus is on me in particular it feels weird...we are a strange bunch...lol

help dr phil!!!!

[ydahecnot]

As a guy, I don't think I get as many ooohs and aaahs as a woman would, but some people have noticed, and I don't mind. Just have to stay focused.

[PrettyInTink]

Coming from a VERY overweight person, I get very insecure around people I haven't seen in a while when i see that they have lost a lot of weight. I just babble on like an idiot with compliments I guess out of my own insecurity. I guess I never thought that I was making someone uncomfortable. I bet your friend meant well. But I will definitely think twice before going on and on about a friends weightloss. I guess a simple "Wow you look great" would be more comfortable for both of us!

[MOMofMICKEY]

I read this online yesterday.


weighty
I'm sure it was in a doctor's office. That had to be the first time I got on a scale. I'm not talking about birth weight. I mean the first time I got on a scale and realized that balance beam held more in its balance than just my weight. I remember feeling embarrassed. I was probably in second grade. I was in Manhasset, at Dr. Lasala's office, my pediatrician, and I remember him pointing to a chart and speaking of percentiles. He pointed toward the top right of a graph on a wall. I was taller than most my age. I was also heavier. I remember my mother trying to explain it to me in the car ride home. Actually, come to think of it, she didn't explain it. She said it matter-of-factly. I was in the top percentile for weight at my age. This was a bad thing. I could tell by the way she pointed it out, the way the doctor took the time to point it out to her. "Something to watch," he might have said. At dinner, I remember being told not to eat the potatoes. I was being punished by being denied food, and now, as an adult, we go around denying ourselves food for our own happiness. We abide diets where we eat nothing but cabbage soup or hot dogs or no refined sugar or bleached flour. Now we say it's for our health, but I don't buy it. The chemicals in frozen dietetic foods aren't for our health; they're for our thin. Because when our clothes are looser, we smile more readily and laugh more freely. We're happier thin, in part, because we remember, and are bombarded, by messages from those we love or covet that we're better for it. "You look wonderful. You really lost a lot of weight." And we know they're saying it with love and good intent, but really what we hear is, "thank God you lost weight." You're "healthier" now, but it doesn't feel happy. It does when things zip, but mostly, it's "was I that bad before?" And when you go shopping, you still finger the rack of oversized clothes because your mind hasn't caught up to your body. You're still fat, passing for thin.

[ahamiam1]

The reason we feel uncomfortable when people gush or go overboard is because it makes us feel that before, when we were fat, we were worthless and now we are worth something ONLY because we are thin. It sucks that this is how Western Society is, but it is that way and overweight people are looked at and treated as lower class citizens. Every time we are complimented on our weightloss, we hear (just as the above post says) it's about time that you lost weight, now you are worth something...AND...if you ever gain weight again, you will go right back to being worthless and a second class citizen. Now most of us know that once seen as lower class, always lower class in the minds of most...same goes for fat, although people are gushing over our weight loss, they are remembering the fat person we used to be therefore we can never forget that fat person, therefore we are uncomfortable when people gush over us. I honestly don't know how to get past it

all in my opinion of course, I am not a psychologist, just an overweight (losing) person who does not like to be gushed over...unless it is by my LC friends on this site, then I brag and love the gushing

[aussiesarah]

I love it lol I own it and say thank you, I've worked really hard at it. Maybe that's just me though. Always a sucker for a compliment hehe

[Jennyl]

I was always flattered when I lost weight before and people commented. I just said thank you. Once in a while someone seemed to go on and on ....I just tried to change the subject then because it seemed like too much...but it never bothered me.

[aruba2]

I am very uncomfortable about compliments. mainly its usually after you get dressed up for a special occasion...... I am like ok, you think I look wonderful,, well cripe I guess I looked like $#i!! before????

[sexyfatchick]

I'm a former fatty who is now just chubby and I happen to be a licensed clinical psychologist.

It's kind of late so if my writing seems fragmented, please forgive me....

There's not a general answer for everyone but for the most part it, when there is difficulty accepting a compliment, it comes down to self esteem I believe.

Think about it, isn't the way we take care of ourselves a reflection on how we feel about ourselves?

I think part of the reason a high percentage of people gain back the weight they lost is because they never dealt with the underlying issue of low self esteem or, in some cases, issues with control. As I mentioned above, those that have problems with self esteem are, in my opinion, the ones that are uncomfortable with compliments. Those that have issues with control, again in my opinion, are the ones who have hyper-structured their lives around their chosen way of eating.

Not to sound corny, but those of you that feel uncomfortable with compliments, I wonder what is your dialogue with yourself. Do you often look at yourself or the things you do and find fault? Or, do you look at yourself and the things you do and think positive things?

Certainly, if you're always finding fault with yourself, it would be difficult to understand why someone else wouldn't. Hence, the discomfort when a compliment is received.

As for those with the control issues, often I see posts made by people who've reached their goal weight and every single calorie and every single minute of exercised is measured, tracked and reported on--to me, this shows the underlying issue of control was never addressed. When people like this fall (i.e., binge), they typically fall HARD.

So that's it in a very small nutshell.


SFC

[xfatchik]

I don't mind the compliments and feel flattered that it was noticed. However, I did have one instance that stands out in my mind to this day. I own a small business and our yellow page salesman would come around every 6-9 mos to update our ad, chat, etc. Well he came in after not seeing me for some time and did a double take. He went on for what seemed like forever about how good I looked and my weight... It went from flattery to embarrassment because he wouldn't stop!!! I am sure he meant no harm but it was a bit over-board.

[Itspoohla]

The thing that gets me is when someone is gushing over the weight loss and how good you look then they say "you really look good NOW" Like aruba2 said I must have really looked like a pile of refried dog doo before. I have had this said to me and then the person stood there looking at me waiting for a thank you. I know it was meant as a compliment but you get this feeling that maybe they (I know the one person was saying it meanly) are trying to hurt you out of jealousy. In fact the one person that is always saying "you really look good now" said it to me and I responded with "gee thanks because the whole world knows I looked like %@i* before" and walked off. Since I said that I haven't heard the comment from them again. LOL

[robinkay]

I've had those feelings. I'm so used to looking at myself with negative thoughts, positive compliments are very new to me.

[Bluqq]

The best line ever

"WOW How much weight have you lost?"
" I dunno (sucha liar,,,I know to the ounce)...over 20 pounds"
"WOW I never realized how fat you were"



I want to crawl away.........

[YoYoGirl]

Yes, I have had those people before who have noticed my weight loss and have made compliments, but usuallly I gush with pride. What bugs me is in the past when I've lost a bunch of weight and someone who has not seen me in a while (I'm thinking of certain relatives here...) say nothing or act like nothing is different---That bugs me!

[sexyfatchick]

Originally Posted by YoYoGirl

Yes, I have had those people before who have noticed my weight loss and have made compliments, but usuallly I gush with pride. What bugs me is in the past when I've lost a bunch of weight and someone who has not seen me in a while (I'm thinking of certain relatives here...) say nothing or act like nothing is different---That bugs me!

In my experience, people who do this usually have nothing nice to say about anyone anyway...

[Chelle70]

I have to agree with everyone. I love the compliments at first, but if someone just keeps on and on, I get really uncomfortable.

I have a little different problem. I would love for my dh to make compliments and so far, not a word! He will be standing next to me when someone is oohing and aahing and he remains silent (whether in public or in private). It is driving me crazy! He is the one person that I want to hear compliments from! I have told him how I feel, but no changes!

For example, the one compliment that I have received from him since I started losing was like this: We had "date night"- the first one since our daughter was born 8 months ago. I dressed up to the nines- low cut blouse, wonderbra, new smaller pants and I thought I looked really good. His response was, "You look nice" That's the best he could do. I was crushed.... When we were dating, he was always very complimentary, now, NADA!

Anybody have a clue how to make him understand how important it is to my self-esteem to hear it from HIM?

[Sadler_Girl]

Originally Posted by aussiesarah

I love it lol I own it and say thank you, I've worked really hard at it. Maybe that's just me though. Always a sucker for a compliment hehe

I agree I love it when people notice, I know how how big I was when I startted so it feels great that people notice.

[artartdeb]

Chelle70 --- You must remember that men are often clueless (no offense to the men here but most are a little slow). However, I have had conversations about this with my BF also. Unlike your husband he is very complimentary but always comments that now I'm going to go find someone better. I think it comes from their insecurity as we become "hotties".

Deb