Insecure/jealous spouse

Itspoohla · 07-31-2006, 04:13 PM

OK My hubby and I both started LC in May 2005. He stuck with it for 3 months lost 70lbs and has maintained but does not LC anymore. I have continued to lose and still LC. I have been getting comments from women and men about how good I look, also the occasional man hitting on me. I always tell them I am flattered but happily married. My hubby gets distant and moody when this happens be a comment or a come on. I have told him I am not interested and he has heard me say I am happily married, but he still gets in a crappy mood. While I do enjoy the comments that's all they are to me, comments/reinforcement I am doing a great job.
He isn't as supportive as he once was about my weight loss (I have to fish for comments from him) and I think it is because of the comments I get from others and the fact he hasn't continued to LC. I try to make LC meals for the whole family but he add extra things in (nuts, ice cream, etc.)

I am continuing to my next goal with or without his support. I just hope he can see the light before he alienates me.

Anyone have any advice? TIA!

Jennyl · 07-31-2006, 04:18 PM

Have a talk with him. Reassure him that you love him and are not interested in anyone else. If he has concerns then he should voice them rather than sulk like a child. There must be some reason that he behaves this way, it would be good to get to the root of it and deal with it rather than have things fester.

Itspoohla · 07-31-2006, 04:29 PM

I have reassured him that I love him, (we have been together over 17 yrs) and I still sign "always and forever" on every card I get him. I tell him I love him every day.

I have asked him whats bothering him. He always says nothing is bothering him. Asked him what he would like for me to do differently, to deter comments. He doesn't have any comment on what I should change.

While I am losing weight and becoming healthy is for myself it is also benefiting him (wink wink) which he enjoys.

It is getting depressing.

IDT · 07-31-2006, 04:34 PM

in one word: COUNSELING

you can't fix his self image - he can!

Itspoohla · 07-31-2006, 04:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IDT

in one word: COUNSELING

you can't fix his self image - he can!

Then I better learn to live with it. It would be easier to get the Pope to cuss then to get my hubby to counseling.

pooticus · 07-31-2006, 04:57 PM

denny just started laughing when i read this title to him...and he said...i don't know, r u? rofl. then he said, i know u r but what am i??

safe to say, clearly he isn't...

maypo · 07-31-2006, 05:07 PM

Your DH may be concerned that now that you have changed so much on the outside that you'll also change on the inside, thereby causing your relationship to change too. Most adults don't like change so he is not unique in that. He can be feeling a bit insecure right now and we all know men don't handle that emotion very well ( hince the sluking childlike behavior ) I agree with Jenny, open and honest communication is the better way to go.

I hope this works out for you and your DH.

KUTGW with your wt loss.

ixtapacheryl · 07-31-2006, 05:11 PM

You have done so well and I am glad to hear you are not giving up just because of his insecurities. He will come around when he feels comfortable with the way you are looking. He might also be upset with himself that he stopped LCing. Men are funny that way .... now he regrets not continuing. Just keep reassuring him - but I wouldn't go overboard. He has to deal with his feelings. You are NOT responsible for them. Got that?

Keep up the great work. We are all here to compliment and I wouldn't fish for any from him. He'll wonder why you aren't...... Good luck and keep us posted.

gotogirl · 07-31-2006, 06:15 PM

As much as possible, ignore his behavior. It sounds like he's getting a reaction from you. And above all, don't let this stop you! It won't make matters better. That was good advice to try not to mention it around him. (I know how hard that is).
Best of luck!

IDT · 07-31-2006, 08:27 PM

No counseling? OK, then you'll need this book. It is one of my favorites:

Title: How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together
Author: Susan Page
From the back of the book: This breakthrough book suggests a completely different approach for improving a marriage and dispels the myth that repairing a relationship is necessarily a 2-person task. She shows that making changes in your marriage by yourself is an effective and a low-stress strategy. Based on the premise that what you do in a relationship changes how you feel about it, Page shows you how you can take individual action that will result in mutual strength and happiness.
Step by step, Page demonstrates that the secret to a thriving marriage is finding the balance between taking care of yourself and extending good will to your partner. Through a series of experiments, she introduces the concept of Loving Leadership and presents a range of solo strategies for creating harmony in a marriage, including how to: develop fresh perspectives about your relationship; Overcome resentment and moving beyond blame; and how to recapture lost intimacy.
With tangible goals, you can work through your own frustrations to arrive at new thinking and new actions to solve major problems - one at a time. For anyone in a relationship that needs major repairs - or just a little TLC - here is the ultimate do-it-yourself guide.

Lisa Rae · 07-31-2006, 09:35 PM

It sounds your doing everything you can to reassure him. I hate to say it, but it sounds like it's HIS problem and there is probably nothing you can do to change him. If he is unwilling to go to counciling..then I agree..ingnore the behavior. If everytime he does it..you reassure him..then he is getting a payoff for misbehaving. I'd continue to tell him how much you love and appareaiate him..and work on letting it go.

You can't change his actions..only your reactions

lisayak · 08-01-2006, 02:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Itspoohla

I have asked him whats bothering him. He always says nothing is bothering him. Asked him what he would like for me to do differently, to deter comments. He doesn't have any comment on what I should change.

While I am losing weight and becoming healthy is for myself it is also benefiting him (wink wink) which he enjoys.

It is getting depressing.

Personally, I wouldn't pander to his childish behaviour. Ignore him when he sulks.

You mentioned "fishing for compliments"...are you trying to incite his jealousy to get a reaction, then being disappointed when it's not the one you wanted?

Overall, this is his problem, not yours. Don't let it affect you!

Itspoohla · 08-01-2006, 07:01 AM

IDT - I will take a look at the book and see what happens. But at the same time I am feeling resentful about having to deal with "his" problem on my own. The best way to describe this is I am married with children ages 8, 10, and 34. LOL

lisayak - I am not trying to incite his insecurities or jealousy, I just want to here from him what I am hearing from others. Maybe he feels he doesn't need to comment because others are commenting. I would gladly give up comments from others to hear them only from him.

brilliant100 · 08-01-2006, 08:15 AM

Maybe stop sharing the feedback others are giving to you with him. Perhaps share them with a trusted friend or on this website. Its hard for those around us to adjust to major weight loss. I know my attitude changed and I became more outgoing and started standing up for myself. Friends and family said I changed and I did a bit which is ok. Give him time to adj to the newer you.

lisayak · 08-01-2006, 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Itspoohla

IDT - I will take a look at the book and see what happens. But at the same time I am feeling resentful about having to deal with "his" problem on my own. The best way to describe this is I am married with children ages 8, 10, and 34. LOL

lisayak - I am not trying to incite his insecurities or jealousy, I just want to here from him what I am hearing from others. Maybe he feels he doesn't need to comment because others are commenting. I would gladly give up comments from others to hear them only from him.

It's very hard when our own husbands withold from us the praise and admiration total strangers sometimes give us. Mine does the same. Lately I told him that his inattention makes me feel lonely...a dangerous condition for any married person to be in.

Who knows whether or not this will work? All I can do is tell him how I feel, any action he takes about that is up to him. I really feel for you and hope he wises up & appreciates a very caring wife before it's too late!

Itspoohla · 08-01-2006, 04:10 PM

I don't tell him when others make comments but we have been together when others including men have made comments to me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by brilliant100

Maybe stop sharing the feedback others are giving to you with him. Perhaps share them with a trusted friend or on this website. Its hard for those around us to adjust to major weight loss. I know my attitude changed and I became more outgoing and started standing up for myself. Friends and family said I changed and I did a bit which is ok. Give him time to adj to the newer you.

07-31-2006, 04:13 PM	#1
Itspoohla Senior LCF Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Springfield Ohio Posts: 310 Gallery: Itspoohla Stats: 6/6/08 165/143.8/141 by 10/31/08 WOE: Eating healthy Start Date: May 22 2005 LC/ June 5 2008 Eating healthy	Insecure/jealous spouse OK My hubby and I both started LC in May 2005. He stuck with it for 3 months lost 70lbs and has maintained but does not LC anymore. I have continued to lose and still LC. I have been getting comments from women and men about how good I look, also the occasional man hitting on me. I always tell them I am flattered but happily married. My hubby gets distant and moody when this happens be a comment or a come on. I have told him I am not interested and he has heard me say I am happily married, but he still gets in a crappy mood. While I do enjoy the comments that's all they are to me, comments/reinforcement I am doing a great job. He isn't as supportive as he once was about my weight loss (I have to fish for comments from him) and I think it is because of the comments I get from others and the fact he hasn't continued to LC. I try to make LC meals for the whole family but he add extra things in (nuts, ice cream, etc.) I am continuing to my next goal with or without his support. I just hope he can see the light before he alienates me. Anyone have any advice? TIA! __________________ Paula I'm not overweight! I'm undertall! 5'3" 35 yrs old (ideal weight 131-147) 220+ start weight 5/22/05 163.8 current weight 6/7/08 goal of 155 by 6/30/08 goal of 145 by 7/31/08 goal of 135 by 8/20/08 (First day back to shool, want to shock the teachers I work with)

07-31-2006, 05:07 PM	#7
maypo Junior LCF Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Michigan Posts: 1,136 Gallery: maypo WOE: Atkins Start Date: May 29, 2006	Your DH may be concerned that now that you have changed so much on the outside that you'll also change on the inside, thereby causing your relationship to change too. Most adults don't like change so he is not unique in that. He can be feeling a bit insecure right now and we all know men don't handle that emotion very well ( hince the sluking childlike behavior ) I agree with Jenny, open and honest communication is the better way to go. I hope this works out for you and your DH. KUTGW with your wt loss. __________________ Maypo Start=304 /Gain=307.6 /Present=284 /Goal=150 6 Week BootCamp July 2006 ONE SQUADRON ShapeShifting Cuties! BootCamp wt Stats: 1st week:7/24/06: start=298.6 lbs 2nd week:7/31/06: start=292.8 lbs 3rd week:7/06/06: start=290.4 lbs 4th week:8/13/06: start=287.9 lbs 5th week:8/20/06: start=284.6 lbs 6th week:8/27/06: start=284.0 lbs "A wish changes nothing. A decision changes everything." ~unknown

07-31-2006, 05:11 PM	#8
ixtapacheryl Blabbermouth!!! Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Florida Posts: 5,932 Gallery: ixtapacheryl Stats: 183/147/130-135 - 5'7.5" WOE: '72 Atkins	You have done so well and I am glad to hear you are not giving up just because of his insecurities. He will come around when he feels comfortable with the way you are looking. He might also be upset with himself that he stopped LCing. Men are funny that way .... now he regrets not continuing. Just keep reassuring him - but I wouldn't go overboard. He has to deal with his feelings. You are NOT responsible for them. Got that? Keep up the great work. We are all here to compliment and I wouldn't fish for any from him. He'll wonder why you aren't...... Good luck and keep us posted. __________________ "You will never find out what you can do until you do all you can to find out!" - John Maxwell

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07-31-2006, 04:18 PM	#2
Jennyl Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: calgary Posts: 24,141 Gallery: Jennyl Start Date: manana	Have a talk with him. Reassure him that you love him and are not interested in anyone else. If he has concerns then he should voice them rather than sulk like a child. There must be some reason that he behaves this way, it would be good to get to the root of it and deal with it rather than have things fester.

07-31-2006, 04:29 PM	#3
Itspoohla Senior LCF Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Springfield Ohio Posts: 310 Gallery: Itspoohla Stats: 6/6/08 165/143.8/141 by 10/31/08 WOE: Eating healthy Start Date: May 22 2005 LC/ June 5 2008 Eating healthy	I have reassured him that I love him, (we have been together over 17 yrs) and I still sign "always and forever" on every card I get him. I tell him I love him every day. I have asked him whats bothering him. He always says nothing is bothering him. Asked him what he would like for me to do differently, to deter comments. He doesn't have any comment on what I should change. While I am losing weight and becoming healthy is for myself it is also benefiting him (wink wink) which he enjoys. It is getting depressing.

07-31-2006, 04:34 PM	#4
IDT Senior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Seattle WA Posts: 570 Gallery: IDT Stats: 152/131/125 5'6" WOE: Atkins from 152 to 142, BFL for remainder Start Date: start Jan 2004/start BFL 3/13/07	in one word: COUNSELING you can't fix his self image - he can!

07-31-2006, 04:57 PM	#6
pooticus Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: May 2004 Location: somewhere over the rainbow Posts: 15,930 Gallery: pooticus Stats: 314/284.2/150 WOE: PersonalPlan Start Date: Nov.20, 2007	denny just started laughing when i read this title to him...and he said...i don't know, r u? rofl. then he said, i know u r but what am i?? safe to say, clearly he isn't...

07-31-2006, 06:15 PM	#9
gotogirl MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Texas Posts: 2,142 Gallery: gotogirl Stats: 148/116/120 5'3" WOE: Atkins for Life Maintenance Start Date: August, 2005	As much as possible, ignore his behavior. It sounds like he's getting a reaction from you. And above all, don't let this stop you! It won't make matters better. That was good advice to try not to mention it around him. (I know how hard that is). Best of luck!

07-31-2006, 08:27 PM	#10
IDT Senior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Seattle WA Posts: 570 Gallery: IDT Stats: 152/131/125 5'6" WOE: Atkins from 152 to 142, BFL for remainder Start Date: start Jan 2004/start BFL 3/13/07	No counseling? OK, then you'll need this book. It is one of my favorites: Title: How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together Author: Susan Page From the back of the book: This breakthrough book suggests a completely different approach for improving a marriage and dispels the myth that repairing a relationship is necessarily a 2-person task. She shows that making changes in your marriage by yourself is an effective and a low-stress strategy. Based on the premise that what you do in a relationship changes how you feel about it, Page shows you how you can take individual action that will result in mutual strength and happiness. Step by step, Page demonstrates that the secret to a thriving marriage is finding the balance between taking care of yourself and extending good will to your partner. Through a series of experiments, she introduces the concept of Loving Leadership and presents a range of solo strategies for creating harmony in a marriage, including how to: develop fresh perspectives about your relationship; Overcome resentment and moving beyond blame; and how to recapture lost intimacy. With tangible goals, you can work through your own frustrations to arrive at new thinking and new actions to solve major problems - one at a time. For anyone in a relationship that needs major repairs - or just a little TLC - here is the ultimate do-it-yourself guide.

07-31-2006, 09:35 PM	#11
Lisa Rae Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Venice, Ca Posts: 10,271 Gallery: Lisa Rae Stats: 250+/???/150 WOE: Atkins or Bust! Also Smoke Free! Start Date: September 15th, 2000	It sounds your doing everything you can to reassure him. I hate to say it, but it sounds like it's HIS problem and there is probably nothing you can do to change him. If he is unwilling to go to counciling..then I agree..ingnore the behavior. If everytime he does it..you reassure him..then he is getting a payoff for misbehaving. I'd continue to tell him how much you love and appareaiate him..and work on letting it go. You can't change his actions..only your reactions

08-01-2006, 07:01 AM	#13
Itspoohla Senior LCF Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Springfield Ohio Posts: 310 Gallery: Itspoohla Stats: 6/6/08 165/143.8/141 by 10/31/08 WOE: Eating healthy Start Date: May 22 2005 LC/ June 5 2008 Eating healthy	IDT - I will take a look at the book and see what happens. But at the same time I am feeling resentful about having to deal with "his" problem on my own. The best way to describe this is I am married with children ages 8, 10, and 34. LOL lisayak - I am not trying to incite his insecurities or jealousy, I just want to here from him what I am hearing from others. Maybe he feels he doesn't need to comment because others are commenting. I would gladly give up comments from others to hear them only from him.

08-01-2006, 08:15 AM	#14
brilliant100 MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Western, USA Posts: 2,444 Gallery: brilliant100 Stats: 266/194/169 WOE: Atkins/M&E Feast, Lower fat & Lower calorie Start Date: restarted 6/1/05 M/E, back on the wagon 8-21-07	Maybe stop sharing the feedback others are giving to you with him. Perhaps share them with a trusted friend or on this website. Its hard for those around us to adjust to major weight loss. I know my attitude changed and I became more outgoing and started standing up for myself. Friends and family said I changed and I did a bit which is ok. Give him time to adj to the newer you.