What do y'all think?

[ColoradoSweethart64]

Well I'll run this by y'all.
Last fall we were robbed of 2,000 in cash and jewelry by my StepDaughters "Boyfriend" that was visiting from Nebraska.
So to try and get her trust back when we went to Missouri for my daughter's graduation in May, we allowed her to stay home and from the moment we knew we were leaving we had her promise NO ONE would be at the house.
Well I found out last week ... 2 months after the fact ... as we were going to the movies because she told me she had a secret she had been DYING to tell me because everytime she thinks about it she laughs because she got away with it and we have no clue. Well I promised not to say anything thinking well if she's laughing it can't be THAT bad could it?
She tells me that since the MOMENT she knew we were leaving (nearly 2 months prior) that she planned this ... she had a keg party in our garage with 19 underage kids and 1 adult (her former boss) ... and that 4-6 of the kids spent the night. She thinks it's hilarious. If any of those kids had gotten into an accident or killed DRUNK while at our house we are liable, if any of those kids had stolen any of my DH's guns, and hurt someone, we were liable. We could've lost EVERYTHING because of her bad judgement.
So she was scheduled to go to California last Sunday, so I decided NOT to tell her Dad (14 months sober) just YET because A: he works nights and I didn't want to deal with her wrath and B: I knew he would NOT send her to Cali nor would her Mom let her come and I NEED A BREAK!!!!
So yesterday I told him and he went off ON ME telling me I was just as bad as she was and if I ever kept something like that from him again I could leave. And he also told me that if I can't handle it as I so put it I could leave. He had tears in his eyes. I think he was so mad at her and was taking it out on me.
I KNOW I should've told him sooner, but I didn't.
Then I also had to tell him that she (she's 17) was emailing bikini clad pics of some blonde to a bunch of guys using her middle name and having phone sex and sending pics of the same girl (nude) to one guy. He had me delete all of her accounts.
I understand he's angry and I understand I made a bad judgement call, but he's been cold and silent.
Today though he's talking to me and we're going out to dinner Thursday.
But I don't think I deserve his treatment. I think his anger is misplaced. After all how does he know what he would've done in that situation?

[Saracat]

I think you Stepdaughter is a peice of work. And 14 months sober or not, your hubby has to do something about his daughter. You should have told him but better late then never. Her mother needs to be informed and the kid needs counseling. Your DH is NOT right to take it out on you. He has a right to be irrittated thast you did not tell him immediately but telling you to leave is out of the question. The one who can't handle her is him! And why are you the one having to delete the accounts and such? This is HIS daughter! That being said, you do have some obligations as Step Mom .but you ought not to have to shoulder them alone. Your step daughter is obviously manipulating both you and her Dad. She is heading for trouble if someone doesn't intervene!

[Luvmykidz]

Wow. I hurt for you. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom or advice, but nothing really helpful comes to mind at the moment.

If you have acknowleged your mistake to your husband then it will probably just take time to heal the hurt between the two of you.

Your stepdaughter really sounds like she needs some help. Kids often act that way when they are angry and trying to get attention. Not that I think it is okay what she did. There is no excuse for it. But it sounds like someone needs to take her in hand, lay out some rules and enforce them. Trust is certainly earned. She does not seem to realize this and has apparently repeatedly abused yours. I would think you and her dad should make her work to get your trust back. If she insists on acting irrisponsibly, treat her accordingly.

Perhaps you may be right about the misplaced anger. But maybe he is as angry at himself as anyone. He may be beating himself up over having his daughter turn out the way she has. Sometimes I lash out at people when I am really mad at myself. Then I brood for a while, as I sort things out. I usually end up apologizing later when I realize what I did.

I don't know. Hopefully, someone else has some insight that you will find helpful.

[ColoradoSweethart64]

Originally Posted by Saracat

I think you Stepdaughter is a peice of work. And 14 months sober or not, your hubby has to do something about his daughter. You should have told him but better late then never. Her mother needs to be informed and the kid needs counseling. Your DH is NOT right to take it out on you. He has a right to be irrittated thast you did not tell him immediately but telling you to leave is out of the question. The one who can't handle her is him! And why are you the one having to delete the accounts and such? This is HIS daughter! That being said, you do have some obligations as Step Mom .but you ought not to have to shoulder them alone. Your step daughter is obviously manipulating both you and her Dad. She is heading for trouble if someone doesn't intervene!

THANK YOU and I totally agree. His problem is he works nights, sleeps days and she just runs all over him ... spends the nights with her girlfriends DRINKING ... tells me she doesn't have to do anything around the house and I am not her Mom and she doesn't have to listen to me.

[ColoradoSweethart64]

Originally Posted by Luvmykidz

Wow. I hurt for you. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom or advice, but nothing really helpful comes to mind at the moment.

If you have acknowleged your mistake to your husband then it will probably just take time to heal the hurt between the two of you.

Your stepdaughter really sounds like she needs some help. Kids often act that way when they are angry and trying to get attention. Not that I think it is okay what she did. There is no excuse for it. But it sounds like someone needs to take her in hand, lay out some rules and enforce them. Trust is certainly earned. She does not seem to realize this and has apparently repeatedly abused yours. I would think you and her dad should make her work to get your trust back. If she insists on acting irrisponsibly, treat her accordingly.

Perhaps you may be right about the misplaced anger. But maybe he is as angry at himself as anyone. He may be beating himself up over having his daughter turn out the way she has. Sometimes I lash out at people when I am really mad at myself. Then I brood for a while, as I sort things out. I usually end up apologizing later when I realize what I did.

I don't know. Hopefully, someone else has some insight that you will find helpful.

Any insight would be helpful.
I just feel so upset over all of this and I'm sure her Mom, when she finds out will find some way to blame me. Then again she doesn't want her daughter living with her,that's why she kicked her to us, because of the child's LYING ... and her Mom already told me she can see her daughter messing up this month visit and end up early back to us (PLEASE GOD NO!!!!)

[Luvmykidz]

Maybe before the girl arrives, you and your DH should come to an agreement as to what are the ground rules and that he will back you as you enforce them. When she gets there, lay it out--What you expect of her, AND what will happen if she bucks your authority.

I really feel she is angry, and possibly lonely. I am not trying to judge the situation, because I haven't got a clue what all went on, but divorce is ALWAYS hard on kids. Bad marriages ALWAYS affect the kids. Many people will argue this, but disbelieving it does not change the fact.

I don't know if you or your husband ever spend much time with her when she is in your home (and I don't blame you at all if you have not- she sounds like a terror). But, a child (yes she is a child, even at 17) needs stable loving relationship in addition to discipline. My observation is that often, children of divorced parents have neither.

I pray you find your answer, and that God will give your DH the insight to properly deal with this girl.

[GypsyVisions]

I don't know if this will help but I raised the step daughter from hell. Many times I wondered if my marriage would survive. It seemed I was always in the middle trying to enforce rules and not always getting backed up by my hubby. She ran all over him and it seemed he had on rose colored glasses and just couldn't see it. Fortunatly it did and she is now 24 yrs old. At 21 she got pregnant. We had an argument early in her pregnancy and didn't talk at all until after the baby was born. Anyway, having a baby changed her whole attitude about life and now she is a happy, responsible adult and a very good mother. Our relationship is great and we talk often. Seems I prayed for years that things would turn around for us and they finally did. Try and remember she won't be a kid forever and sooner or later she'll move out and then it will be just you and DH. I know its hard but hopefully as she gets older she'll mature and change.

[robin martinez]

Al-Anon may be helpful for you. Bottom line--you don't have to accept unacceptable behavior. too bad that the person you married is not backing you up. take care of you.

[ColoradoSweethart64]

Originally Posted by robin martinez

Al-Anon may be helpful for you. Bottom line--you don't have to accept unacceptable behavior. too bad that the person you married is not backing you up. take care of you.

He's calmed down now and understands what position I was put in. DH is a good man, and he agrees that neither he nor I have to take the crud from his daughter

[Luvmykidz]

Maybe it would be a good idea to not promise to keep secrets from your DH again. In my opinion, a husband and wife should not keep damaging secrets from each other. And no one (especially not a bratty kid) should be allowed to step between the open communication of a husband and wife.

[ColoradoSweethart64]

Originally Posted by Luvmykidz

Maybe it would be a good idea to not promise to keep secrets from your DH again. In my opinion, a husband and wife should not keep damaging secrets from each other. And no one (especially not a bratty kid) should be allowed to step between the open communication of a husband and wife.

I never had any intention of keeping it from him, I just should have told him the moment I found out. Once she told me what it was I knew I was telling him ... I agree, keeping things from one another is not a good idea. Lesson BIG ONE learned here. Thank you.

[Luvmykidz]

I hope you don't feel I was coming down on you. We all have lessons to learn, and God has each one of us working in different areas.

I, too have made the mistake of choosing to wait rather than own up to certain things, and it always is a bad idea. My DH is pretty gracious about it, but keeping the information to myself really eats me up. I stress about things so much and then either become permanently PMS, or just plain depressed, and he has no idea what is going on.
It really hurts our relationship, and then requires patch up time.

Sounds like you are doing better now. I hope you all can work out something satisfactory.

[ColoradoSweethart64]

Originally Posted by Luvmykidz

I hope you don't feel I was coming down on you. We all have lessons to learn, and God has each one of us working in different areas.

I, too have made the mistake of choosing to wait rather than own up to certain things, and it always is a bad idea. My DH is pretty gracious about it, but keeping the information to myself really eats me up. I stress about things so much and then either become permanently PMS, or just plain depressed, and he has no idea what is going on.
It really hurts our relationship, and then requires patch up time.

Sounds like you are doing better now. I hope you all can work out something satisfactory.

Oh heavens now I never thought that. I appreciate all input or I wouldn't post it.

Exactly ... I was so on edge that whole 5 days waiting to tell him, that I snapped all the time at little things, couldn't sleep. And it did take a couple of days before he calmed down.

But no, I did not take it that way ...

[CarolynF]

Your stepdd needs some serious counseling, doesn't she? She is really pushing the limits and beyond and thinks it's funny...

It seems as though she is really out of control....Do you think she's an Alcoholic?
Can you put her in rehab? She is young enough now that it might help her alot..

Your poor dh is probably overwhelmed with his dd (as most dh's are)..you need to advise him, and maybe help suggest certain things..BUT let HIM do the disciplining..

Another idea: Have you tried TOUGH LOVE? Sometimes it works wonders on kids spinning out of control..It's a style of parenting..if you haven't heard of it..Goggle Tough Love..there is lots of information to look at..

Good luck..

[aussiesarah]

Geez!! That's another very tricky and terrible situation

I had step-parents growing up. I think the one thing I learned is that it's really important for you to stay focused and committed to your partner. Being as honest with him as you can be. You guys are a team and managing the kids is really a fulltime job (especially in blended families).

What she did was unacceptabe. I'm not clear why she was going to California, but if it was for visitation, he really had no right to cancel the trip. She has a right to see her mother. That being said, you shouldn't (no matter how much you need the break (and I know that you probably could use a month long spa in Tahiti)) have kept the information from him. He reacted in anger, most of which is misplaced. He's disappointed in her. He wants her to make wiser choices. And he counts on you to be open and honest and feel like he can trust you.

I'm sure you've sincerely apologized to him about it. Maybe it's a good time to talk about your needs too. Maybe you need away time every now and then. Clearly she can't be trusted to be home alone. I'd make arrangements for her to stay with a relative or a close friend (your adult friends) instead of being able to throw crazy parties and put your future at risk.

Some kids are just down right untrustworthy.

I'm sorry either way

I hope you guys can resolve it and pull through all of this. And I hope she grows up and moves out ASAP lol

[teachlady]

Men are 'fixers' and when they can't immediately fix a situation, they get upset and mad because they feel helpless. Good for you for being patient with your hub. Talk, talk, talk, support, support support. Stand by your man (which is exactly what it sounds like you're doing! He's in a very difficult situation and your support means everything to him right now.

Your stepdaughter is screaming, and I mean screaming, for boundaries to be drawn. Kids (especially teenagers) see boundaries and rules as caring and love. Especially since she's been through the upheaval of divorce and may be unsure of where she stands with both her mother and father. Yes, they'll scream and stomp and yell and pout when the rules are set, but inside they're thinking,"Yes, they care enough to make some rules...they care enough to want to keep me safe...they care enough to care about what I'm doing and who I'm doing it with." It's natural for teenagers to want to exert their independence, stretch their wings and find themselves and discover who they are - thank goodness or they'd live with us forever! - but they also want to know and be sure that the safety net that you've set for them is always there to catch them when they stretch too far. Your strict rules and boundaries will be your stepdaughter's safety net.

Obviously her mother is not helping you and your hub in this arena, so it will be up to you to set the rules and hold strong to those rules and the discipline if those rules are broken. Trust me, as she grows and matures, the respect and love she'll have for you two because you cared enough to guide and nurture her will last a lifetime.

I can't tell you how many times I've seen kids like this go through my classroom (yes, they were younger 13, 14 yrs. old, but the same behavior nonetheless). Often times they are from divorced families, often times they exhibit this behavior because they want to make sure that even though their parents' marriage didn't work, they still care about them. They 'act out' to get their parents' attention, because negative attention is better than no attention at all. Ironically, parents of divorce often become very permissive to their children because of the guilt they feel over the divorce. This can be confusing to the children because there used to be rules, suddenlythere isn't and in their brains they think,"Mmm, they must not care what I do anymore. So I wonder, do they even still care about me?" Scary, especially for kids.

Hold tight Colorado. Be strong, for your hub and your stepdaughter. It's not easy, and you won't always be the most popular in the house, but it will be well worth it in the long run, for all your sakes. I can say with certainty, they will come back and thank you someday!