Marriage advice, confused

nickey · 07-03-2006, 01:31 PM

Hi,

I am so confused, I can say now this may be a long post. I have been married for 6 years will be 7 in March. I have two girls 5 and 3. This is what happened recently. I feel like the ultimatum given to me is he wants me to lose weight,dress nice, make money and contribute. This is what he wants to add to the things I do. Currently I have been laid off from a part time job for a month, but now I go to school, earn money (with photography still slow)and am trying to develop my photography, take care of the house and kids, plus whatever he may ask me to do. Where do I even begin, my marriage has been verbally abusive since we have been married. He would say all kind of mean things, especially about me being a ho because of the number of men I had been with before him. I was and am not ashamed of my sex life, or any choices that I have made. In anycase I learned that it's not me it's his problem. I have learned that all the stupid stuff he says is his problem not mine. He says he wants an indepenent wife, and to look good and be classy. First of all, I do look good (not to be conceited(sp?)), and I am classy. This is a long story, so I will just say, he says if I dress nice all the time, all the time, get fit, and contribute more, then he will not want a seperation. I asked him if he is willing to pay for me to look like he wants, he said no he wants an indpendent woman. He expects me to do everything and be this superwoman. I am trying to do the right thing as far as the Bible and divorce go, so if you give me advice, please keep that in mind. I know I can seperate, and am getting to the point where I am so tempted, I think if I do , I won't want him anymore.

I am so sad, upset, confused, angry. It's not that I don't want to look good or make more money, I feel as far as the money goes, it's coming and the weight I am working on it. Any thoughts, are greatly appreciates

passionfairy · 07-03-2006, 01:50 PM

AFwife · 07-03-2006, 01:55 PM

Just IMO.... I'd walk!

Sorry this is happening to you. I personally wouldn't take his shi# and pack the kids and leave.

Jesi · 07-03-2006, 01:56 PM

First off let me say that I admire the fact that you are trying to respect your marriage and the vows you took. I personally feel that marriage is a big commitment and requires PLENTY of forgiveness and perseverance. That being said, you need to look at this situation from all angles. Biblically there is grounds for divorce where there is abuse. It is up to you to determine what is tolerable behavior...keep in mind you have children that are watching this behavior as well and forming their opinions of what life and marriage are. I can't tell you what to do, you have to decide that. Just know that there are people here that can support and encourage you in whatever you decide.

chakwaina37 · 07-03-2006, 02:00 PM

That is awful, so sorry you are going thru this. Love is unconditional, and you dont have unconditinal love from him. So really you need to make a choice that makes you happy. No matter what you do you do not deserve to be verbally abused at all. You deserve better.

tfaith7 · 07-03-2006, 02:31 PM

I'm going to do a 180 from everyone else's responses since you really seem to want to follow the Biblical mandate regarding marriage.

First, I am DEFINITELY no marriage counselor but I do know what the Bible says about divorce, and it is really not an option unless infidelity has taken place and the other (non-adulterous) spouse wants out. (See Mal 2:16, Matt 19:3-9, 1 Cor 7:10-11)

So understanding that truth, I must say that you both need counseling to be able to survive in this marriage. I would try to find a great, Christian counselor, and make sure you find someone really grounded in God's Word to counsel you because some (even Christian) counselors are not. If you've tried counseling and it has not worked, find another counselor and go, even if he won't go with you.

It sounds like boundaries are definitely an issue here, his and yours. Wives should certainly try to please their husbands, but if a husband sets unrealistic (and especially unobtainable) standards for his wife, he may either want her to fail so he has an excuse to leave or be abusive, or he may be using her to cover his own insecurities and lack of success.

You need serious support. Find a strong counselor and an even stronger church, and seek God constantly in His Word.

Take care, and hang in there!

p.s. I did want to edit to say that though divorce is not an option, separation can be a very healing thing if done with a pure heart, especially if there is abuse. Please talk to your pastor or couselor about this, for separation must be handled in the right way or it just fuels anger. (In other words, not the "leave me alone or I'll walk" kind of way but in the "we need break so we don't hurt one another" kind of way). Does that make sense???

nickey · 07-03-2006, 03:09 PM

I do appreciate the advice, a lot. He is a minister, his dad has a church that we attend, and we have through the years had some counseling sessions with him, for about the same things. He is willing to go to one more couseling session with the pastor. We had 2 appointments, both were cancelled by the pastor, and we were suppose to go again today, but my husband has school. His dad is fair and gives us scriptures. After this counseling session, I was going to make my decision. I asked my husband if he would wait for me to get fit, and contribute more money, he said he would because then it shows I was working towards the marriage. I think that it is total crap from him. My point is that we do have a church, my husband is not agreeing to long term counseling. Basically right now I feel like I am walking on eggshell, I am also worried that it could elevate to something terrible. I am keeping my kids in mind. When we got into it a couple of weeks ago it turned physical. He was mad because I let both of our sisters in the house and it was messy. I was working on a paper,daughter had her B-day toys all over the floor and I was in the middle of washing. He said crap, left the room, came back said more crap,I sat in front of my computer didn't say a word, except they use to live with us the have seen our house dirty. When he left the room talking crap I threw a garbage bag tie at him, he came in the room and pushed me and I fell on our daughter, I got a knife and we wrestled. There is so much that has happened. At this point, I can feel that he doesn'w want to be with me and wants me to leave. I feel, he should leave, why should the kids and I have to go because he has issues. He lived in this house, which belongs to his parents before we got married. I am so freakin hurt, I don't want to do what I believe I should do and leave. I really feel he is going to PmeO and I am going to snap.But I am not in a situation to leave.

Saracat · 07-03-2006, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nickey

I do appreciate the advice, a lot. He is a minister, his dad has a church that we attend, and we have through the years had some counseling sessions with him, for about the same things. He is willing to go to one more couseling session with the pastor. We had 2 appointments, both were cancelled by the pastor, and we were suppose to go again today, but my husband has school. His dad is fair and gives us scriptures. After this counseling session, I was going to make my decision. I asked my husband if he would wait for me to get fit, and contribute more money, he said he would because then it shows I was working towards the marriage. I think that it is total crap from him. My point is that we do have a church, my husband is not agreeing to long term counseling. Basically right now I feel like I am walking on eggshell, I am also worried that it could elevate to something terrible. I am keeping my kids in mind. When we got into it a couple of weeks ago it turned physical. He was mad because I let both of our sisters in the house and it was messy. I was working on a paper,daughter had her B-day toys all over the floor and I was in the middle of washing. He said crap, left the room, came back said more crap,I sat in front of my computer didn't say a word, except they use to live with us the have seen our house dirty. When he left the room talking crap I threw a garbage bag tie at him, he came in the room and pushed me and I fell on our daughter, I got a knife and we wrestled. There is so much that has happened. At this point, I can feel that he doesn'w want to be with me and wants me to leave. I feel, he should leave, why should the kids and I have to go because he has issues. He lived in this house, which belongs to his parents before we got married. I am so freakin hurt, I don't want to do what I believe I should do and leave. I really feel he is going to PmeO and I am going to snap.But I am not in a situation to leave.

Women were not made to be the servants of men. God wants us to live up to our potential and this dumdum is stifiling yours. You deserve way better and a marriage of equals. Do not take this abuse!

Bubbles · 07-03-2006, 03:36 PM

Physical violence says to me it is time to leave.

MistyLoo · 07-03-2006, 03:44 PM

The verbal abuse has turned into physical abuse. This will not get better, it is only going to esculate. Trust me, I know.

When he pushed you, he caused you to fall over your daughter. What if she had been seriously injured? Can you put your kids in danger? It is also your Christian duty to protect your kids.

It sounds like he has pushed you to your breaking point. You need to get away from him before you snap. Do you remember that pastor's wife who has been in the news for shooting her husband? She snapped.

God loves you and wants you to be happy. Take care of those kiddos.

KarbieGrl · 07-03-2006, 04:33 PM

Sounds to me like he wants to have his cake and eat it to. Wants a woman to wait on him, AND work outside the home AND look like supermodel all the while making sure the little ones are walking around clean and shiney too. Uhhh...he needs to wake up and smell the reality coffee.
YOU need counseling...without him...so that you won't be so hard on yourself. Not from his family, an independant person who doesn't know you and isn't related. And, IMO as soon as this thing became physical, that was when it became time to leave. Take those kids, and get to a safe place.
Keep us posted please!

mzmawissa · 07-03-2006, 04:59 PM

whew...well my dear...needless to say..God is not pleased...and the rules have changed once he began to treat you the way he does.Do not hesitate to seek safety to save face because he is a minister.Unacceptable...period.I am not one for divorce...but this is not good in no way.He is trying to make his issues yours..period.Usually when abusers do theat...they are the one's doing wrong.Get to safety...the rest will fall in place.
(((((((hugs))))))))
from one minister's wife to another.....it takes alot more to be a minister than thant piece of paper.He is accountable to God for how he reats his family as well

nickey · 07-03-2006, 04:59 PM

I have looked into counseling from a therapist, I am going to make an appointment on Wednesday to help me sort things out, or do what I need to do. In the meantime,I have a lot of thoughts scambled in my head.

mzmawissa · 07-03-2006, 05:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nickey

I have looked into counseling from a therapist, I am going to make an appointment on Wednesday to help me sort things out, or do what I need to do. In the meantime,I have a lot of thoughts scambled in my head.

I think that is best...

wishing you well..

aussiesarah · 07-03-2006, 07:13 PM

I'm so sorry that you are going through such a tough time

I'm just putting my two cents in here. If the relationship wasn't really one that was sanctified and pure when it started, then I think basing the principles of doctrine meant for such a relationsihp is invalid. I.e. If there was abuse to begin with, if it wasn't a marriage worthy of being honored by God, then following the laws of God to make your decision probably isn't the answer.

Yes the bible is pretty clear about what you should and shouldn't do. But we all know we shouldn't marry abusive people. We as humans make mistakes. I've been there myself. I've gotten divorced as well. It took me a long time to sort out my religious obligations vs. what I felt God wanted me to do.

Just because the church said no, God said yes. He never wanted that path for me (getting married to my ex). I took it because I was being insecure and naive. When there is abuse, there are extenuating circumstances. It is ok to leave such a toxic environment and not feel guilty. I don't feel one ounce of remorse or regret for leaving. Having said that, I didn't have children with him either. So he will always play some sort of role in their life.

It's a tough call. But your children deserve to be raised in a home where men respect women.

Hope I didn't offend in anyway. I'm just trying to be objective and share my own experience.

beckyb17 · 07-03-2006, 07:32 PM

(((Nickey)))

Mushmush · 07-03-2006, 08:27 PM

Quite frankly, it sounds like this marriage brings out the worst in both of you (unless you pulled the knife on hime in self-defense). I don't know what the Bible says, but I do feel that continuing like this is unfair to your children and you both.

Sasha

nickey · 07-03-2006, 09:18 PM

It was self defense, I wouldn't pull out a knife on someone for no reason.I appreciate all of your comments and advice. I have a meeting with the Pastor on Friday. There is no telling what is going to happen tomorrow. I am going swimming with my family and my husband is going to bar-b-q, watch movie and fireworks with the girls. He asked if I wanted to join in I told him after I go swimming and he gets upset, so who knows what will happen tomorrow.I know I will feel much better after I talk to a counselor and the pastor.
Thanks again.

CarolynF · 07-05-2006, 10:25 AM

Yes, you definitely need to go to a that counselor and get your thinking straight.

I'm a Christian and don't believe in divorce (on a whim)..However, your children are in danger as well as yourself..Your husband is definitely not "loving you as Christ loved the church"..at all..

I think the first step is counseling..and maybe you could find a safe place to go with your kids OR he could move out during this cooling off time..

Are there any safe houses in your town? The counselor might know about this..I think your husband needs to see the results of his sin..that you move out until
he gets right with God and you again..He is so not right with God right now or maybe never has been if he was verbally abusive from the start..Unfortunately, you married him in that state..God can change his heart, but he needs to be humbled..and broken.

Jennyl · 07-05-2006, 01:01 PM

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. The emotional abuse sounds like it could turn more physical...how scary. I am definitely no relationship expert but I would have a very difficult time putting up with ANY kind of abuse...especially with small children in the home. I think it's great for you to get some counselling on your own. There is no trust in your relationship right now. Even if you did get thin and fit and independent...what is going to happen when you get old and wrinkly? Didn't he marry you for better or for worse? Looking at your picture, you are a very beautiful woman. I'm sorry but your husband doesn't sound like a man...he sounds childish and selfish and insecure. Whatever changes you make in yourself won't change him. I don't have any great advice for you but do see the counsellor...for your own sake and for the children.

twyx · 07-11-2006, 02:53 PM

to you.

Just IMHO--I was married, when very young (18) to a man (boy) who constantly ridiculed me, told me I was fat, stupid, etc., etc. He then had an affair after our daughter was born 2 years later. I went to the priest who married us (I am Catholic), and his advice was divorce and annulment, since as one of the other posters said, "The rules have changed." I did that, and later married a man who tells me every chance he gets how beautiful I am.

And guess what? Because of the verbal abuse I endured daily those many years ago, I have a lot of trouble believing him. I have definite self-confidence issues, issues with what I see in the mirror, etc.

Again, IMO, you need to leave, for the sake of you and your children. And your sanity!

teachlady · 07-18-2006, 11:31 PM

You're husband is projecting his insecurities on to you. He's insecure with himself so he's under the misguided notion that if you're what he thinks is 'perfect' somehow that will elevate his status as well and boost how he feels about himself.
Sad.
Sounds like he is the one in dire need of counseling.
He is a man of God and he talks to you and treats you that way in front of your daughters??? Doesn't he realize that his behavior toward you is the model to which they will compare all possible future men? They will think this is the norm and this is acceptable to be treated this way by their own husbands.

Would he accept his daughters being treated the way he treats you?
Would he treat you this way in front of his congregation?
Would he treat you this way if Jesus were standing in your living room?
I would guess not. So why does he think it's okay behind closed doors?

Remind him that Jesus may as well be standing in your living room......because He is watching.....all the time......

As his wife and the mother of his children your husband should cherish and adore you.

These should be familiar verses to him...maybe remind him of them the next time he lashes out to you:

"And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church" Eph 5:25
"In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for His body, which is the church. And we are His body." Eph 5: 28-30

Hearing how your husband treats you, and in front of your daughters, I have a hard time believing he's truly a man of God.

Peace be with you Nickey. Keep praying. God hears you.....always.

Shantony · 07-21-2006, 06:46 PM

The wheel of violence only goes forward. It progresses. Your children are absorbing this. God will tell you what to do. Seek His counsel.

Greek Godess · 07-21-2006, 10:00 PM

Oh mY God!!!
I cant belive that you are still there,
What if God Forbid he pushed you and you fell with that Knife over your daugther and something happened.. Is that what it takes...
Get out, before it gets worse, and your children,, Oh my GOD,, They have to see that, and learn Violence against woman.. THen they will learn to accept to be hit, slapped, kicked and treated like a piece of dirt.
You are not is toy to be dressed up to his liking,
I am praying for you...

On another note,, I have seen your picutre and have always found you gorgeous, I love your look, you are very pretty,

Bubbles · 07-22-2006, 05:38 PM

A biblical marraige only works if both partners are on the same page. The bible says nothing about degrading your wife with swear words or treating her as a servant.

Recluse · 07-22-2006, 07:24 PM

Wish I knew how to make "hug"...but I don't! I understand that you are thinking about your kids - so - I'm getting up on my Dr Phil soapbox here - as he always says "It's better to be from a broken home than living in one". I left when my daughter was 4 - figured I would either have to make the break when she was young or wait till she was grown. Knew when he starting talking to her as he did to me that it was time to go. Best decision I ever made. She is now 20 and will graduate from college in December with ALL of her self esteem intact! Have always spoken with her about how people need to treat each other. Wishing you luck...

07-03-2006, 01:31 PM	#1
nickey Senior LCF Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 244 Gallery: nickey Stats: 5'3" 184/177/130 Start Date: 3.12.08	Marriage advice, confused Hi, I am so confused, I can say now this may be a long post. I have been married for 6 years will be 7 in March. I have two girls 5 and 3. This is what happened recently. I feel like the ultimatum given to me is he wants me to lose weight,dress nice, make money and contribute. This is what he wants to add to the things I do. Currently I have been laid off from a part time job for a month, but now I go to school, earn money (with photography still slow)and am trying to develop my photography, take care of the house and kids, plus whatever he may ask me to do. Where do I even begin, my marriage has been verbally abusive since we have been married. He would say all kind of mean things, especially about me being a ho because of the number of men I had been with before him. I was and am not ashamed of my sex life, or any choices that I have made. In anycase I learned that it's not me it's his problem. I have learned that all the stupid stuff he says is his problem not mine. He says he wants an indepenent wife, and to look good and be classy. First of all, I do look good (not to be conceited(sp?)), and I am classy. This is a long story, so I will just say, he says if I dress nice all the time, all the time, get fit, and contribute more, then he will not want a seperation. I asked him if he is willing to pay for me to look like he wants, he said no he wants an indpendent woman. He expects me to do everything and be this superwoman. I am trying to do the right thing as far as the Bible and divorce go, so if you give me advice, please keep that in mind. I know I can seperate, and am getting to the point where I am so tempted, I think if I do , I won't want him anymore. I am so sad, upset, confused, angry. It's not that I don't want to look good or make more money, I feel as far as the money goes, it's coming and the weight I am working on it. Any thoughts, are greatly appreciates __________________ www.keyntat.com www.myspace.com/uneeknickey

07-03-2006, 02:31 PM	#6
tfaith7 Senior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Alabama girl Posts: 93 Gallery: tfaith7 WOE: no grain, pure foods -- healthy!	I'm going to do a 180 from everyone else's responses since you really seem to want to follow the Biblical mandate regarding marriage. First, I am DEFINITELY no marriage counselor but I do know what the Bible says about divorce, and it is really not an option unless infidelity has taken place and the other (non-adulterous) spouse wants out. (See Mal 2:16, Matt 19:3-9, 1 Cor 7:10-11) So understanding that truth, I must say that you both need counseling to be able to survive in this marriage. I would try to find a great, Christian counselor, and make sure you find someone really grounded in God's Word to counsel you because some (even Christian) counselors are not. If you've tried counseling and it has not worked, find another counselor and go, even if he won't go with you. It sounds like boundaries are definitely an issue here, his and yours. Wives should certainly try to please their husbands, but if a husband sets unrealistic (and especially unobtainable) standards for his wife, he may either want her to fail so he has an excuse to leave or be abusive, or he may be using her to cover his own insecurities and lack of success. You need serious support. Find a strong counselor and an even stronger church, and seek God constantly in His Word. Take care, and hang in there! p.s. I did want to edit to say that though divorce is not an option, separation can be a very healing thing if done with a pure heart, especially if there is abuse. Please talk to your pastor or couselor about this, for separation must be handled in the right way or it just fuels anger. (In other words, not the "leave me alone or I'll walk" kind of way but in the "we need break so we don't hurt one another" kind of way). Does that make sense??? Last edited by tfaith7 : 07-03-2006 at 02:40 PM.

07-03-2006, 07:13 PM	#15
aussiesarah MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: May 2006 Location: Melbourne, Australia Posts: 1,624 Gallery: aussiesarah Stats: Back from my pregnancy! 107/101/75kg WOE: Healthy Start Date: May 11, 2006	I'm so sorry that you are going through such a tough time I'm just putting my two cents in here. If the relationship wasn't really one that was sanctified and pure when it started, then I think basing the principles of doctrine meant for such a relationsihp is invalid. I.e. If there was abuse to begin with, if it wasn't a marriage worthy of being honored by God, then following the laws of God to make your decision probably isn't the answer. Yes the bible is pretty clear about what you should and shouldn't do. But we all know we shouldn't marry abusive people. We as humans make mistakes. I've been there myself. I've gotten divorced as well. It took me a long time to sort out my religious obligations vs. what I felt God wanted me to do. Just because the church said no, God said yes. He never wanted that path for me (getting married to my ex). I took it because I was being insecure and naive. When there is abuse, there are extenuating circumstances. It is ok to leave such a toxic environment and not feel guilty. I don't feel one ounce of remorse or regret for leaving. Having said that, I didn't have children with him either. So he will always play some sort of role in their life. It's a tough call. But your children deserve to be raised in a home where men respect women. Hope I didn't offend in anyway. I'm just trying to be objective and share my own experience. __________________ AussieSarah Mommy to Seth, born 8/2/07

07-11-2006, 02:53 PM	#21
twyx Senior LCF Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: In the rain forest Posts: 720 Gallery: twyx WOE: LC	to you. Just IMHO--I was married, when very young (18) to a man (boy) who constantly ridiculed me, told me I was fat, stupid, etc., etc. He then had an affair after our daughter was born 2 years later. I went to the priest who married us (I am Catholic), and his advice was divorce and annulment, since as one of the other posters said, "The rules have changed." I did that, and later married a man who tells me every chance he gets how beautiful I am. And guess what? Because of the verbal abuse I endured daily those many years ago, I have a lot of trouble believing him. I have definite self-confidence issues, issues with what I see in the mirror, etc. Again, IMO, you need to leave, for the sake of you and your children. And your sanity! __________________ Rose The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

07-18-2006, 11:31 PM	#22
teachlady Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Central Cali. Posts: 92 Gallery: teachlady Stats: Happily declining WOE: Low carb (melting pot of all) Start Date: April 2006	You're husband is projecting his insecurities on to you. He's insecure with himself so he's under the misguided notion that if you're what he thinks is 'perfect' somehow that will elevate his status as well and boost how he feels about himself. Sad. Sounds like he is the one in dire need of counseling. He is a man of God and he talks to you and treats you that way in front of your daughters??? Doesn't he realize that his behavior toward you is the model to which they will compare all possible future men? They will think this is the norm and this is acceptable to be treated this way by their own husbands. Would he accept his daughters being treated the way he treats you? Would he treat you this way in front of his congregation? Would he treat you this way if Jesus were standing in your living room? I would guess not. So why does he think it's okay behind closed doors? Remind him that Jesus may as well be standing in your living room......because He is watching.....all the time...... As his wife and the mother of his children your husband should cherish and adore you. These should be familiar verses to him...maybe remind him of them the next time he lashes out to you: "And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church" Eph 5:25 "In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for His body, which is the church. And we are His body." Eph 5: 28-30 Hearing how your husband treats you, and in front of your daughters, I have a hard time believing he's truly a man of God. Peace be with you Nickey. Keep praying. God hears you.....always. __________________ Shelli "I have a vision and the rest of the world wears bifocals."~ Butch Cassidy "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it." ~ Atticus Finch Last edited by teachlady : 07-18-2006 at 11:39 PM.

07-03-2006, 01:50 PM	#2
passionfairy Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: N.E. Ohio Posts: 342 Gallery: passionfairy WOE: Living life to the fullest

07-03-2006, 01:55 PM	#3
AFwife Blabbermouth!!! Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: South Carolina Posts: 6,806 Gallery: AFwife Stats: Yeah/About/That WOE: Atkins Start Date: November 5, 2003	Just IMO.... I'd walk! Sorry this is happening to you. I personally wouldn't take his shi# and pack the kids and leave.

07-03-2006, 01:56 PM	#4
Jesi MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Somewhere between here and there Posts: 2,370 Gallery: Jesi Stats: ugghh/sigh/oh yeah! WOE: better than I have been	First off let me say that I admire the fact that you are trying to respect your marriage and the vows you took. I personally feel that marriage is a big commitment and requires PLENTY of forgiveness and perseverance. That being said, you need to look at this situation from all angles. Biblically there is grounds for divorce where there is abuse. It is up to you to determine what is tolerable behavior...keep in mind you have children that are watching this behavior as well and forming their opinions of what life and marriage are. I can't tell you what to do, you have to decide that. Just know that there are people here that can support and encourage you in whatever you decide.

07-03-2006, 02:00 PM	#5
chakwaina37 Senior LCF Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Nv Posts: 490 Gallery: chakwaina37 Stats: One day at a time WOE: Low carb, suger free Start Date: On and off since 2000	That is awful, so sorry you are going thru this. Love is unconditional, and you dont have unconditinal love from him. So really you need to make a choice that makes you happy. No matter what you do you do not deserve to be verbally abused at all. You deserve better.

07-03-2006, 03:09 PM	#7
nickey Senior LCF Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 244 Gallery: nickey Stats: 5'3" 184/177/130 Start Date: 3.12.08	I do appreciate the advice, a lot. He is a minister, his dad has a church that we attend, and we have through the years had some counseling sessions with him, for about the same things. He is willing to go to one more couseling session with the pastor. We had 2 appointments, both were cancelled by the pastor, and we were suppose to go again today, but my husband has school. His dad is fair and gives us scriptures. After this counseling session, I was going to make my decision. I asked my husband if he would wait for me to get fit, and contribute more money, he said he would because then it shows I was working towards the marriage. I think that it is total crap from him. My point is that we do have a church, my husband is not agreeing to long term counseling. Basically right now I feel like I am walking on eggshell, I am also worried that it could elevate to something terrible. I am keeping my kids in mind. When we got into it a couple of weeks ago it turned physical. He was mad because I let both of our sisters in the house and it was messy. I was working on a paper,daughter had her B-day toys all over the floor and I was in the middle of washing. He said crap, left the room, came back said more crap,I sat in front of my computer didn't say a word, except they use to live with us the have seen our house dirty. When he left the room talking crap I threw a garbage bag tie at him, he came in the room and pushed me and I fell on our daughter, I got a knife and we wrestled. There is so much that has happened. At this point, I can feel that he doesn'w want to be with me and wants me to leave. I feel, he should leave, why should the kids and I have to go because he has issues. He lived in this house, which belongs to his parents before we got married. I am so freakin hurt, I don't want to do what I believe I should do and leave. I really feel he is going to PmeO and I am going to snap.But I am not in a situation to leave.

07-03-2006, 03:36 PM	#9
Bubbles Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Live Free or Die Baby!!!!! Posts: 10,100 Gallery: Bubbles Stats: 140 lbs of flabby fun WOE: All the time Start Date: Feb 2003	Physical violence says to me it is time to leave.

07-03-2006, 03:44 PM	#10
MistyLoo Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: South Central Texas Posts: 3,103 Gallery: MistyLoo Stats: 149.5/113/120 WOE: Atkins Start Date: Aug. 2002	The verbal abuse has turned into physical abuse. This will not get better, it is only going to esculate. Trust me, I know. When he pushed you, he caused you to fall over your daughter. What if she had been seriously injured? Can you put your kids in danger? It is also your Christian duty to protect your kids. It sounds like he has pushed you to your breaking point. You need to get away from him before you snap. Do you remember that pastor's wife who has been in the news for shooting her husband? She snapped. God loves you and wants you to be happy. Take care of those kiddos.

07-03-2006, 04:33 PM	#11
KarbieGrl Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 7,670 Gallery: KarbieGrl	Sounds to me like he wants to have his cake and eat it to. Wants a woman to wait on him, AND work outside the home AND look like supermodel all the while making sure the little ones are walking around clean and shiney too. Uhhh...he needs to wake up and smell the reality coffee. YOU need counseling...without him...so that you won't be so hard on yourself. Not from his family, an independant person who doesn't know you and isn't related. And, IMO as soon as this thing became physical, that was when it became time to leave. Take those kids, and get to a safe place. Keep us posted please!

07-03-2006, 04:59 PM	#12
mzmawissa Blabbermouth!!! Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: My heart is in Afghanistan Posts: 7,159 Gallery: mzmawissa Stats: 190/185/150 WOE: low carb my way for sure Start Date: ohh brother	whew...well my dear...needless to say..God is not pleased...and the rules have changed once he began to treat you the way he does.Do not hesitate to seek safety to save face because he is a minister.Unacceptable...period.I am not one for divorce...but this is not good in no way.He is trying to make his issues yours..period.Usually when abusers do theat...they are the one's doing wrong.Get to safety...the rest will fall in place. (((((((hugs)))))))) from one minister's wife to another.....it takes alot more to be a minister than thant piece of paper.He is accountable to God for how he reats his family as well

07-03-2006, 07:32 PM	#16
beckyb17 Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Boilermaker Country Posts: 12,858 Gallery: beckyb17 Stats: 60 pounds ago WOE: Yo~Yo diet	(((Nickey)))

07-22-2006, 07:43 PM	#27
KITTYM Senior LCF Member

07-03-2006, 08:27 PM	#17
Mushmush MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: NJ Posts: 1,272 Gallery: Mushmush Stats: 172/135/132 WOE: WW Start Date: 1/7/2007 (Start WW)	Quite frankly, it sounds like this marriage brings out the worst in both of you (unless you pulled the knife on hime in self-defense). I don't know what the Bible says, but I do feel that continuing like this is unfair to your children and you both. Sasha

07-03-2006, 09:18 PM	#18
nickey Senior LCF Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 244 Gallery: nickey Stats: 5'3" 184/177/130 Start Date: 3.12.08	It was self defense, I wouldn't pull out a knife on someone for no reason.I appreciate all of your comments and advice. I have a meeting with the Pastor on Friday. There is no telling what is going to happen tomorrow. I am going swimming with my family and my husband is going to bar-b-q, watch movie and fireworks with the girls. He asked if I wanted to join in I told him after I go swimming and he gets upset, so who knows what will happen tomorrow.I know I will feel much better after I talk to a counselor and the pastor. Thanks again.

07-05-2006, 10:25 AM	#19
CarolynF Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Kansas Posts: 20,522 Gallery: CarolynF Stats: 195/150/139 WOE: Eat Fat, Get Thin/I Can Make You Thin Start Date: January 2001	Yes, you definitely need to go to a that counselor and get your thinking straight. I'm a Christian and don't believe in divorce (on a whim)..However, your children are in danger as well as yourself..Your husband is definitely not "loving you as Christ loved the church"..at all.. I think the first step is counseling..and maybe you could find a safe place to go with your kids OR he could move out during this cooling off time.. Are there any safe houses in your town? The counselor might know about this..I think your husband needs to see the results of his sin..that you move out until he gets right with God and you again..He is so not right with God right now or maybe never has been if he was verbally abusive from the start..Unfortunately, you married him in that state..God can change his heart, but he needs to be humbled..and broken.

07-05-2006, 01:01 PM	#20
Jennyl Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: calgary Posts: 24,145 Gallery: Jennyl Start Date: manana	I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. The emotional abuse sounds like it could turn more physical...how scary. I am definitely no relationship expert but I would have a very difficult time putting up with ANY kind of abuse...especially with small children in the home. I think it's great for you to get some counselling on your own. There is no trust in your relationship right now. Even if you did get thin and fit and independent...what is going to happen when you get old and wrinkly? Didn't he marry you for better or for worse? Looking at your picture, you are a very beautiful woman. I'm sorry but your husband doesn't sound like a man...he sounds childish and selfish and insecure. Whatever changes you make in yourself won't change him. I don't have any great advice for you but do see the counsellor...for your own sake and for the children.

07-21-2006, 06:46 PM	#23
Shantony Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Somewhere between USA & CA Posts: 796 Gallery: Shantony Stats: 5' 2" -230/188/150 WOE: Low Carb Start Date: June 3, 2006	The wheel of violence only goes forward. It progresses. Your children are absorbing this. God will tell you what to do. Seek His counsel.

07-21-2006, 10:00 PM	#24
Greek Godess Senior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Quebec, Canada Posts: 599 Gallery: Greek Godess WOE: Low Carbs Healthy Foods Atkins Start Date: Feb 13, 2006	Oh mY God!!! I cant belive that you are still there, What if God Forbid he pushed you and you fell with that Knife over your daugther and something happened.. Is that what it takes... Get out, before it gets worse, and your children,, Oh my GOD,, They have to see that, and learn Violence against woman.. THen they will learn to accept to be hit, slapped, kicked and treated like a piece of dirt. You are not is toy to be dressed up to his liking, I am praying for you... On another note,, I have seen your picutre and have always found you gorgeous, I love your look, you are very pretty, __________________ Debbie Last edited by Greek Godess : 07-21-2006 at 10:06 PM.

07-22-2006, 05:38 PM	#25
Bubbles Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Live Free or Die Baby!!!!! Posts: 10,100 Gallery: Bubbles Stats: 140 lbs of flabby fun WOE: All the time Start Date: Feb 2003	A biblical marraige only works if both partners are on the same page. The bible says nothing about degrading your wife with swear words or treating her as a servant.

07-22-2006, 07:24 PM	#26
Recluse Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Austin Texas Posts: 375 Gallery: Recluse Stats: 158/120/112 WOE: Atkins Start Date: May 2004	Wish I knew how to make "hug"...but I don't! I understand that you are thinking about your kids - so - I'm getting up on my Dr Phil soapbox here - as he always says "It's better to be from a broken home than living in one". I left when my daughter was 4 - figured I would either have to make the break when she was young or wait till she was grown. Knew when he starting talking to her as he did to me that it was time to go. Best decision I ever made. She is now 20 and will graduate from college in December with ALL of her self esteem intact! Have always spoken with her about how people need to treat each other. Wishing you luck...