Living in the shadow of Pastor's kids

Criosa · 03-13-2006, 05:19 AM

I need some encouragement. Our church is our second home (sometimes seems more like our first home.) We go Sun. morning, evening, Wed. night, and every other activity that comes up. I teach Sun School Junior girls, my husband is a deacon. We have 4 girls still at home, ages 5-18 who are very active in church, but are constantly pushed into the shadows of the Pastor's children. I try not to be offended, but when they cry because once again they lost a part in a play or skit to one of them, I get upset. I realize the hardships of pastor's kids, because my best friend was a pastor's kid, and is a pastors wife in another state - my oldest daughter married her son.

I'm probaby rambling on here, not making much sense. This is because of last night, my 5 year old was crying, because her friend Narrisa (Pastor's daughter), got to be the little lamb in the teen skit. At first I think, well, she'll get over it. Then I remember she was left out of the Christmas skit too (of course Narrisa was in it.) I hate these feelings, and I know they hurt me more than help me. I've tried to pray, but the only answer I get is that my daughter will come out stronger because of the hardship.

I left church in a bit of a huff last night, and I'm sure someone saw me. I'm embarrassed now, but still upset. Any advice would be appreciated.

srm · 03-13-2006, 03:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Criosa

I need some encouragement. Our church is our second home (sometimes seems more like our first home.) We go Sun. morning, evening, Wed. night, and every other activity that comes up. I teach Sun School Junior girls, my husband is a deacon. We have 4 girls still at home, ages 5-18 who are very active in church, but are constantly pushed into the shadows of the Pastor's children. I try not to be offended, but when they cry because once again they lost a part in a play or skit to one of them, I get upset. I realize the hardships of pastor's kids, because my best friend was a pastor's kid, and is a pastors wife in another state - my oldest daughter married her son.

I'm probaby rambling on here, not making much sense. This is because of last night, my 5 year old was crying, because her friend Narrisa (Pastor's daughter), got to be the little lamb in the teen skit. At first I think, well, she'll get over it. Then I remember she was left out of the Christmas skit too (of course Narrisa was in it.) I hate these feelings, and I know they hurt me more than help me. I've tried to pray, but the only answer I get is that my daughter will come out stronger because of the hardship.

I left church in a bit of a huff last night, and I'm sure someone saw me. I'm embarrassed now, but still upset. Any advice would be appreciated.

I'm a cards on the table kind of guy. I'd go talk to the pastor about it. Just tell him what you're feeling. perhaps he isn't aware...that people albeit inadverantly 'favor' his children. See what happens.

Bubbles · 03-15-2006, 12:01 PM

If you cannot talk openly with your Pastor about something so simple then HE is not doing his job very well.

Criosa · 03-15-2006, 12:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bubbles

If you cannot talk openly with your Pastor about something so simple then HE is not doing his job very well.

That could be partly or wholly my fault, as I tend to be shy in nature, and don't like to cause problems. It's just that I'm such a mother bear, and hate to see my kids hurt. Perhaps I am making too much out of it. My daughter got over fast, and is her normal happy and cheerful self. Thanks for caring enough to reply.

walkthebeach · 03-15-2006, 04:23 PM

Part of my family belongs to a really big family-run church. The pastor's kids and grandkids get all the perks. What they don't get, their best friends get. It's kind of a racket.... I'd speak up about it if I were you. In a nice way, of course. Just say something like, "you know, my daughter would really like to participate; is there some way she could? She'd really like to be a lamb, too" Or something like that.

LCinHouston · 03-16-2006, 08:12 AM

what you are describing was my entire childhood. small, "fiefdoom" churches and church-schools.

my family played the game, and I played the part - and like your daughter would recover as quickly as I could from these things. but when my "sentence" was over, there were dust tracks from that place and from my family for a long time. I felt that my family had a small part in letting it happen.

the upside? you learn at a VERY young age that life is not fair, that the good guys usually don't win, and that it's mostly about who you know and what you've done for them lately.

good luck!!

Worldchanger · 03-16-2006, 02:24 PM

I know how you feel my church is my second home and I just like you have just let things go that have bothered me. But what happens when you do that is you let things build up and you start to resent people and hold hard feelings against them and that is not fair to them or you. And then something small will happen and I have lost control and said things I regret later. So I have learn through counseling with my Pastor that confronting thing face to face with the person no matter who they are (even my pastor) is better than pushing my feeling down. To speak very calm and christian like. And talk things out. Most of the time I have realize that the person I was upset with did not know what was happening. Things always are better after talking.

skinyguy · 03-31-2006, 11:08 AM

im just an outsider looking in... but it appears that ur church is a social club... and the congregation likes to perhaps not knowing ... shows favortism to the pastors kids... this is sad but normal behavior... but in reality is this what a church should be... church activities... fun and games..?? where is the evangelistic push of the church...?? let everyone play in the skits... pull the pastor aside and tell him u would like to form a disciples club with an emphasis on community outreach...

attending church every sunday, wednesday etc... is not what saves anyone.... what are you doing in Church... is it not to be part of the Kingdom and do the kingdom work here... spreading the gospel of Christ to the world... is this not our commission?? read the end of Matthew ... thats where we should be focused... not on plays and who gets the best part... we should be elevating the name of Christ. This is the lesson ur kids should learn...

sounds like ur Church lacks purpose... break the mold... get on fire to spread the word... but be careful... its contagious... walls will shake... and lives could be saved...

God Bless..

tm2chng · 03-31-2006, 11:49 AM

My 3 kids go to the private school where we also attend church.
This is my oldest's 3rd and last year there.All of their last year in fact.
They will go to public school next year.
What you describe has been the scenerio at their school inspite of me talking to the staff on different occasions.
The kids that win the awards and are treated as if they are special are the staff kids.Way too much favoritism, politics and phoneyness for me.
I know life isnt fair nomatter where you go, but I did expect more from a "Christian" school.
We will be looking for a different church in the summer as well.
I would definatley speak up or find another church.
IMO, it isnt good to allow your kids to be always excluded.

~Lisa~

Criosa · 03-31-2006, 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skinyguy

im just an outsider looking in... but it appears that ur church is a social club...
God Bless..

That's so funny, our pastor is always saying that about other churches. But you know, you're right - church needs to be spiritual food and an outreach to the lost. Thanks for the reminder.

Sue421 · 03-31-2006, 10:30 PM

Well said, Skinny Guy!!

NCBeachboy · 04-27-2006, 12:32 PM

This is late, but may I add one thing. We raised our kids in the church, just as you describe. And guess what, the negative feelings built up so that my two sons don't go to church at all now and my daughter just started to go back.
If church is not a positive experience, what makes you think it will be something they will want to do when they have the choice. I know when you discuss this with your husband, "the deacon" in him may take the church's side, but he better take a look at the future of his investment into those kids.
Just my opinion.

03-13-2006, 05:19 AM	#1
Criosa Senior LCF Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Wisconsin Posts: 552 Gallery: Criosa Stats: 240/192/150 - 5'10" WOE: Lower Carb/Organic when possilbe Start Date: original: 2/03 - restart: 3/07	Living in the shadow of Pastor's kids I need some encouragement. Our church is our second home (sometimes seems more like our first home.) We go Sun. morning, evening, Wed. night, and every other activity that comes up. I teach Sun School Junior girls, my husband is a deacon. We have 4 girls still at home, ages 5-18 who are very active in church, but are constantly pushed into the shadows of the Pastor's children. I try not to be offended, but when they cry because once again they lost a part in a play or skit to one of them, I get upset. I realize the hardships of pastor's kids, because my best friend was a pastor's kid, and is a pastors wife in another state - my oldest daughter married her son. I'm probaby rambling on here, not making much sense. This is because of last night, my 5 year old was crying, because her friend Narrisa (Pastor's daughter), got to be the little lamb in the teen skit. At first I think, well, she'll get over it. Then I remember she was left out of the Christmas skit too (of course Narrisa was in it.) I hate these feelings, and I know they hurt me more than help me. I've tried to pray, but the only answer I get is that my daughter will come out stronger because of the hardship. I left church in a bit of a huff last night, and I'm sure someone saw me. I'm embarrassed now, but still upset. Any advice would be appreciated.

03-16-2006, 08:12 AM	#6
LCinHouston MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: The Edge of Insanity Posts: 2,436 Gallery: LCinHouston Start Date: 12/12/07	what you are describing was my entire childhood. small, "fiefdoom" churches and church-schools. my family played the game, and I played the part - and like your daughter would recover as quickly as I could from these things. but when my "sentence" was over, there were dust tracks from that place and from my family for a long time. I felt that my family had a small part in letting it happen. the upside? you learn at a VERY young age that life is not fair, that the good guys usually don't win, and that it's mostly about who you know and what you've done for them lately. good luck!! __________________ ~elizabeth~ 100 to lose / 37.4 lost / 62.6 to go Dec -11.4 Jan -10.8 Feb -6.2 I'm walking!! 4.71 miles Support the March for Babies!

03-16-2006, 02:24 PM	#7
Worldchanger MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: CA. Posts: 1,757 Gallery: Worldchanger Stats: 262/219.4/168 WOE: Atkins Start Date: 1/2006	I know how you feel my church is my second home and I just like you have just let things go that have bothered me. But what happens when you do that is you let things build up and you start to resent people and hold hard feelings against them and that is not fair to them or you. And then something small will happen and I have lost control and said things I regret later. So I have learn through counseling with my Pastor that confronting thing face to face with the person no matter who they are (even my pastor) is better than pushing my feeling down. To speak very calm and christian like. And talk things out. Most of the time I have realize that the person I was upset with did not know what was happening. Things always are better after talking. __________________ Worldchanger 10-05-06 250.5 06-04-07 219.4 11-03-08 240 The big thing isn't whether we have problems...the big thing is your attitude toward problems. Sure you can't ignore facts; but the atittude with which you approach the facts is all-important

03-31-2006, 11:08 AM	#8
skinyguy Junior LCF Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 9 Gallery: skinyguy	im just an outsider looking in... but it appears that ur church is a social club... and the congregation likes to perhaps not knowing ... shows favortism to the pastors kids... this is sad but normal behavior... but in reality is this what a church should be... church activities... fun and games..?? where is the evangelistic push of the church...?? let everyone play in the skits... pull the pastor aside and tell him u would like to form a disciples club with an emphasis on community outreach... attending church every sunday, wednesday etc... is not what saves anyone.... what are you doing in Church... is it not to be part of the Kingdom and do the kingdom work here... spreading the gospel of Christ to the world... is this not our commission?? read the end of Matthew ... thats where we should be focused... not on plays and who gets the best part... we should be elevating the name of Christ. This is the lesson ur kids should learn... sounds like ur Church lacks purpose... break the mold... get on fire to spread the word... but be careful... its contagious... walls will shake... and lives could be saved... God Bless.. __________________ Willie - A.K.A. The Skiny Guy My Homepage Life is always a Choice... Chose to be THIN.. Choose Lo-Carb

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03-15-2006, 12:01 PM	#3
Bubbles Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Live Free or Die Baby!!!!! Posts: 10,100 Gallery: Bubbles Stats: 140 lbs of flabby fun WOE: All the time Start Date: Feb 2003	If you cannot talk openly with your Pastor about something so simple then HE is not doing his job very well.

03-15-2006, 04:23 PM	#5
walkthebeach MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: May 2005 Location: St. Louis, MO Posts: 2,032 Gallery: walkthebeach Stats: 155/145.5/135 WOE: Low-carb, lower fat Start Date: Oct. 2002	Part of my family belongs to a really big family-run church. The pastor's kids and grandkids get all the perks. What they don't get, their best friends get. It's kind of a racket.... I'd speak up about it if I were you. In a nice way, of course. Just say something like, "you know, my daughter would really like to participate; is there some way she could? She'd really like to be a lamb, too" Or something like that.

03-31-2006, 11:49 AM	#9
tm2chng Senior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 621 Gallery: tm2chng Stats: 177/151/130 WOE: Atkins OWL	My 3 kids go to the private school where we also attend church. This is my oldest's 3rd and last year there.All of their last year in fact. They will go to public school next year. What you describe has been the scenerio at their school inspite of me talking to the staff on different occasions. The kids that win the awards and are treated as if they are special are the staff kids.Way too much favoritism, politics and phoneyness for me. I know life isnt fair nomatter where you go, but I did expect more from a "Christian" school. We will be looking for a different church in the summer as well. I would definatley speak up or find another church. IMO, it isnt good to allow your kids to be always excluded. ~Lisa~

03-31-2006, 10:30 PM	#11
Sue421 Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Calgary, Alberta Posts: 544 Gallery: Sue421 Stats: 150/125/125 WOE: Atkins Start Date: Dec. 2003	Well said, Skinny Guy!!

04-27-2006, 12:32 PM	#12
NCBeachboy Senior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Nags Head, NC USA Posts: 631 Gallery: NCBeachboy Stats: 236/189/160 WOE: No processed foods Start Date: 2002	This is late, but may I add one thing. We raised our kids in the church, just as you describe. And guess what, the negative feelings built up so that my two sons don't go to church at all now and my daughter just started to go back. If church is not a positive experience, what makes you think it will be something they will want to do when they have the choice. I know when you discuss this with your husband, "the deacon" in him may take the church's side, but he better take a look at the future of his investment into those kids. Just my opinion.