MY DH (and it ain't Dear) is driving me nuts.

[Wasabell]

I’m feeling pretty stressed right now.

I’m trying to lose some weight, and I love Atkins. I’ve been eating on plan, for the most part, and have lost about 5 lbs.

I would lose faster, but I tend to have a few drinks in the evening.

My husband is an alcoholic (I probably am too).We have been married for 24 years. It is like living with a powder keg. I’m always walking on eggshells, for fear of “setting him off”. I didn’t used to drink except for weekends, but I have a few drinks just so I am calmer when I am around him. Now it’s a bad habit.
Well, I guess I “set him off” Saturday night. One of the things that was screamed at me was an accusation of “sneaking food”. My jaw is still on the floor over that. I cannot imagine where that is coming from. He gave me a sheet of paper last night stating “I hate my wife” (signed). He is saying that I am insane, and have been an embarrassment to him for over 20 years. This has been going on for about 5 years, and steadily getting worse.

Folks, I am 48 yo, 5’4”, 145 lbs, size 8. Whats up with that?

I just feel like I am being pressured to lose weight (how much?) and look like I’m 20 years old. Well, the latter isn’t going to happen. I’m perimenopausal, starting to go grey, and have no patience for his “cr**”.

I just needed to vent. I’m going to try not to drink during the week. And wonder what will next “set him off”. Of course, it’s all my fault (not).

Thanks for “listening”.

[Cindy P]

[Okira]

Why do you stay with him? Isn't 24 years enough abuse? I'm so sorry you're going through this. Nobody deserves to be treated this way.
Peace,
Okira

[Pam in TX]

Agree with Okira.... No one deserves to be treated that way.... Do you have someone you can go stay with fora few days?

[aim in Fla*working]

as a child of an alchoholic father and the ex wife of a recovering dry drunk and addict...I understand what you are going through on a level. I used to watch my father and my ex husband come home and "analyze" how they walked throught the door to "prepare" myself for the evening .....growing up, my father was the best man anone could ever ask for...we grew up with a lot of money.(my father never missed a day of work) and we would take my friends to Disney world for weekends and my dad was always in the middle of me and my friends throwing us in the pool and playing LIFE and Monopoly and being just an amazing father! HE was hoever, not a loyal husband and my mother threw him out. I can remeber periods when my parents would have parties...big ones...with big boats pulling up at out dock and my father would argue with other men about things and i would hear him...I always thought it was becuase other men were stupid and he knew everything....I remeber waking up on Sat. and my dad would be passed out on the floor in the living room(not often but once every couple of months)and he would sit up and eat cereal with me and watch Sat. cartoons...I honestly do not think he EVER had a hangover...he never seemed to...and to this day even i do not think he has had one! Anyway, my father started cheating on mom and my mom threw him out...HE moved in to the house 1 block away. years passed and my parents got back together....BOT wa i in for a shock..Daddy was a total stumbling alcholic! he was verbally abusive and one night he put a gun up to my head and said, "HE hated stupidity"....I do not think ANYTHING...has ever hurt me so much. As time went by, my mother threw him out he lost his job would come back and beg...my mom took him becuase she wanted me "to have a father" unfortunately i have since learned that people involved with alcholics have issues and usually addictions of their own....Things got worse...I met a man who was a recovering addict alcoholic...
When i got married to my husband I was relieved he was recovering...there was no way he was going to be like my dad...he was dry drunk the whole 10 years we were together...he was only 17 when he went in to treatment.
Let me tell you..When he did not go to meetings he demonstrated ALL of the behaviors my dad had but on a much lower scale....I would leave him and go to my parents (frying pan into the fire) and eventually he went to meetings weekely...then he would lie and say he did but didn't and i could SEE him trying to pretend to be living A.A. but although he did not drink...his behavior was closed off and i began to get lonely. I told him to leave and began reading EVERYTHING i could on alchol ism and codependency..IT was so "GROSS" and WEAK to me to consider my self sick for choosing to be with these men(my dad and my ex) but i loved them so much ....I had to learn to love myself more.
MY POINT...i am sure that you want to know what that is...my point is...We will constantly look for these people to change. We will put our lives on hold...we will say we have to stay with him/her becuase of the kids when in actuality it is the WORST think you could do. (IT teaches them to accept the unacceptable) My mom said when my dad held a gun to my head the next day, "he did not mean it" and we arent a group of uneducated people...despite my spelling errors. we are all upper SES and highly educated..which shows this disease knows NO boundaries.... Somehow, get somewhere ..therapy al-anon....somewhere where you can LEARN why and how you choose to be with him....get support. I remeber i was in an al-anon meeting and these women were talking about getting beaten and sometimes RAPED.... i was like OMG!! I am in the wrong room!!!! My problems are NOT like this...well who knows...maybe over time and a few more martinis they would have been.
By the grace of God and my own learning to love myself, was i able to walk away and now am with a man who does not drink...not because he cant or shouldn't...he just could care less and his body is more important(health freak)....I had to get healthy in my mind to attract healthy people....I hope you seek out support ...drive into the next city if you have to ...I did...and learn about this and yourself. And start a life for YOU. You are a beautiful person....and you CANNOT allow a DRUNK to tell YOU how you should feel about yourself. Consider the source baby...it is in the bottom of an empty bottle.
wishing you love and strength to pursue your search in yourself.
I apologize for the lenght....I HAD to talk to you.
Amy

[Wasabell]

Thank you. I have read your responses, and I will re-read them today.

I have no one here. My nearest family is 1000 miles away. Even though I work full-time, right now I don't make enough to support myself. I am trapped for the time being.

I am getting my ducks in a row. In about 7 weeks, I will have full benefits, and I will be going to marriage (or whatever) counseling, on my own if I have to. Im not even sure I want him to go to counseling.

I'm packing an emergency bag when he's not around. Just in case I have to grab and go. I'm getting the number to a shelter if it gets that bad.

Jan

[aim in Fla*working]

[Barbara690]

Amy,your story of your mom and dad could have been my sisters and her husbands story.He was such a smart,intelligent man and would become a totally different person with a few drinks,always putting my sister down about her weight and looks(just like your husband,Jan) and had her nervous about what kind of mood he would come home in.He also took a gun to my sister and 19 yr old neice and threatened to blow them away because they were "no good ".Instead he put the gun to his head while they looked on in horror and pulled the trigger.
This is an extreme example of where the abuse can lead and I only wish my sister had left years before.Jan,you deserve so much better

[aim in Fla*working]

it is sad...so many people are afraid to leave because that is eexcatly what the abuser has done...made you think you cannot make it...you ARE worthless.....so you don't leave and feel worthless about it....
IT is MUCH scarier to think of the possiblities of STAYING....

[Barbara690]

What was really sad was that my sister was so afraid to leave and as devestated as she was about him dying she was also relieved that the decision had been taken out of her hands.But she did have to go through a lot of therapy to get over the guilt for feeling that way.She sees now that by staying she wasn't helping him or herself or the kids and that she needed to put them first.Now she deals with the guilt of what she put her kids through.
Jan,he is the only one that can make himself better....you need to think of yourself(and any kids you may have) and a happy secure future.

[megjb]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. AL-ANON can help you learn to deal with the situation. No pressure to stay or go, but how to deal with an alcoholic in your life, and stop enabling the behavior.

[black57]

Originally Posted by Wasabell

I’m feeling pretty stressed right now.

I’m trying to lose some weight, and I love Atkins. I’ve been eating on plan, for the most part, and have lost about 5 lbs.

I would lose faster, but I tend to have a few drinks in the evening.

My husband is an alcoholic (I probably am too).We have been married for 24 years. It is like living with a powder keg. I’m always walking on eggshells, for fear of “setting him off”. I didn’t used to drink except for weekends, but I have a few drinks just so I am calmer when I am around him. Now it’s a bad habit.
Well, I guess I “set him off” Saturday night. One of the things that was screamed at me was an accusation of “sneaking food”. My jaw is still on the floor over that. I cannot imagine where that is coming from. He gave me a sheet of paper last night stating “I hate my wife” (signed). He is saying that I am insane, and have been an embarrassment to him for over 20 years. This has been going on for about 5 years, and steadily getting worse.

Folks, I am 48 yo, 5’4”, 145 lbs, size 8. Whats up with that?

I just feel like I am being pressured to lose weight (how much?) and look like I’m 20 years old. Well, the latter isn’t going to happen. I’m perimenopausal, starting to go grey, and have no patience for his “cr**”.

I just needed to vent. I’m going to try not to drink during the week. And wonder what will next “set him off”. Of course, it’s all my fault (not).

Thanks for “listening”.

You and I are the same age and pretty much the same size I so feel your pain. My first husband was an @#$hole. I walked on eggshells...I slept on eggshells. I remember going to bed and just as I dosed off to sleep, he began yelling at me. If, I had it to live again, I would wake him up with a baseball bat to the skull. If your husband raises a hand to you get away from him gurl!!!

[tattoonike]

Hello, I'm new to this site. I read your posting and I'm sorry for what you're going through. My wife of 7 years left me 2 months ago. She said I was some what abusive (I NEVER touched her!) among many other things. The point is, I never would have realized what I was doing to the both of us if she hadn't left. I lost God's greatest gift to me and now I live only to change myself back into the man she fell in love with. Maybe you should take a break from him, just don't tell him it's a break. Make him think he is losing you forever, only then will you see how he really feels about you. As a guy I can say many of us are idiots when it comes to our women. I never meant to hurt my wife EVER! All I wanted to do is protect her and make her happy. What did I accomplish? I became the main source of her pain. If he really loves you, your size won't matter, I would love my wife if she was 400lbs with no arms or legs! I'm 25 and for someone my age to say something like that and mean it must sound crazy, I know. She is the only one in this world for me, she is my soul mate and I die a little each day she isn't here. Find out if he really loves you, leave for awhile. No woman deserves to go through that crap! Diet for you and for your health not him, and drinking doesn't make anything better either. Keep your head up and pray, God never gives us anything we can't handle. I will keep you in my prayers. Ryan

[gettingstrength]

[skinyguy]

i just dont get it...!!! why do women stay with men that treat them like garbage... why live in a situation which is in the sewer??? its obvious that he does not love you...!!! so why do you stay...??? life is to short to spend it with a partner that disrespects you, degrades you and will not accept you as you are..

where is your backbone..?? seek counseling and find a place to stay... there are many agencies which can help you... seek them out... get ur life back... dont put up with him another day... and when u leave... dont look back... he will promise u the world... apologize... swear that he will change... its all a farce... a lie... just leave him and get over it.

Get into a good church...

i will pray that the pain ceases..

[JanMarie3]

It does take a lot of courage to leave an alcoholic spouse.

I married at 18, but thank God, found the strength to leave him at 25, in the middle of the night, with my 6 year old dd in tow.

Over 7 years, he had beat me down so low, I harldy had any self esteem left. I felt I could not let my family know what a horrible life I was living...........he would verbally and physically abuse me constantly. Our house was not a home because it was party city for him and his friends, that is "if" he decided to come home that night. Instead of paying the utilities he would buy pot. I was working full time and trying to make this farce of a marriage work.

Months after I did leave him, I agreed to meet him in the park. He swore he loved me and would change. I said.....you have a funny way of showing it, and walked away from him for the last time.

Please save yourself...........if you go to counseling, go for you and worry about him later.

[Barbara Ray]

Originally Posted by Wasabell

I’m feeling pretty stressed right now.

I’m trying to lose some weight, and I love Atkins. I’ve been eating on plan, for the most part, and have lost about 5 lbs.

I would lose faster, but I tend to have a few drinks in the evening.

My husband is an alcoholic (I probably am too).We have been married for 24 years. It is like living with a powder keg. I’m always walking on eggshells, for fear of “setting him off”. I didn’t used to drink except for weekends, but I have a few drinks just so I am calmer when I am around him. Now it’s a bad habit.
Well, I guess I “set him off” Saturday night. One of the things that was screamed at me was an accusation of “sneaking food”. My jaw is still on the floor over that. I cannot imagine where that is coming from. He gave me a sheet of paper last night stating “I hate my wife” (signed). He is saying that I am insane, and have been an embarrassment to him for over 20 years. This has been going on for about 5 years, and steadily getting worse.

Folks, I am 48 yo, 5’4”, 145 lbs, size 8. Whats up with that?

I just feel like I am being pressured to lose weight (how much?) and look like I’m 20 years old. Well, the latter isn’t going to happen. I’m perimenopausal, starting to go grey, and have no patience for his “cr**”.

I just needed to vent. I’m going to try not to drink during the week. And wonder what will next “set him off”. Of course, it’s all my fault (not).

Thanks for “listening”.

Several years ago I mentioned to someone that I "thought" I might be an alcoholic - and that person said "If you think you are - most likely you ARE".
You indicated in your message that you probably are one too. Well - I
AM an alcoholic - I've been sober for a number of years - and BELIEVE me life IS a whole lot better than it was. I too had an alcoholic husband - fortunately for me we split up BEFORE I got sober. If we hadn't I don't believe I ever could have done it. YOU need to get out of that situation - to SAVE your life. This is much more than losing weight - you need to change your life. Being around an alcoholic is NOT a good thing for anyone - let alone someone who themself thinks they may be one. I'd get my butt to an AA meeting and talk to some people there. You can find the number for AA in your phone book and they'll direct you to a meeting convenient to you. This is "tough love" in reverse - you're being tough on yourself - BECAUSE you need to love yourself to WANT to survive. IF by doing something for yourself your husband gets "inspired" to get some help on his own - all the better. But NO ONE ever gets sober - and STAYS sober for someone else. It has to be BECAUSE he wants it. In the meantime - you need to take care of you.

The fact that you're in the early stages of menopause makes your getting help for yourself that much MORE important. Menopause is HELL on the alcoholic - I have the experience to PROVE that. I'd been sober for about 10 years when I reached meopause - I began drinking again - I was hospitalized TWICE - the ENTIRE ordeal lasted about 10 years - minus one year of sobriety - then a "relapse" - after only about 2-3 months - then downhill again. It was ONLY after I FINALLY got through it that I was able to get sober again - and that's been three years now.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't put off getting help! If nothing else at least talk to someone at AA or contact a rehab hospital in your area.

I wish you God's blessings - I don't wish anyone luck - luck doesn't exist!