I need support and prayer please...

Zenngrl · 02-10-2006, 05:57 AM

I have never posted over in this forum before, but I thought I might be better understood over here than the PG.

My DBF's father has lung cancer and a tumor in his brain, he is going in for surgery next week. He has been sick for a little more than a year, and just now is getting worse, hence the surgery. The reason I am posting is that his parents live in Nevada, and we are in Ohio. He is seriously considering moving out there to spend the rest of the time he has left with his dad, without me. There is a small chance he will stay, but in my heart I know he will not chose me over his father, which I somewhat understand. It wouldn't be so bad if I didnt love him so damn much!! He is a good man, sweet, funny, 99% of the time we get along great, very little fighting, yelling etc. We have been together for almost 2 years and I cannot help but feel cheated. Am I wrong???

I don't mean this to be a Poor Me thread, I do hope his father comes out of surgery healthy and strong, i just wish that I could be in his life too.

tyler43836 · 02-10-2006, 07:07 AM

Have you approached DBF about going with him? or is that not an option for you?

Zenngrl · 02-10-2006, 07:12 AM

It is an option, I have a job, but nothing i cannot find again. and no children or anything tying me down, he just hasnt asked me to. that is what hurts

RobinB · 02-10-2006, 07:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zenngrl

It is an option, I have a job, but nothing i cannot find again. and no children or anything tying me down, he just hasnt asked me to. that is what hurts

Tough situation! You want to encourage him to be with his father at the end or db will resent you forever.

I would ask him to take you along--tell him you will give him space and alone time with his dad once you are there--but then he can still come home to you at night.

Zenngrl · 02-10-2006, 08:02 AM

I would love to go with him! And he isn't independently wealthy, so he and I would both have to work to sustain a home down there, esp. with costs of housing, they live in the Henderson area. He loves me and doens't want to leave, but i think his guilt and conscious has the best of him right now. ANd yes, I know he would resent me if i asked him to stay. this is tough.

tyler43836 · 02-10-2006, 08:26 AM

Definately a tough situation and I guess the fact is you aren't his priority at the moment. His fear of losing his Dad and his desire to be with him in his last days are what is consuming him. He's more than likely not thinking about the reality of actually making the move and what it will require. Be there for him and make the offer to go with him. Forcing the issue probably wouldn't be a good idea. He may not even realize that he needs you there until he's moved and gotten his Dad comfortable.

Zenngrl · 02-10-2006, 10:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tyler43836

Definately a tough situation and I guess the fact is you aren't his priority at the moment. His fear of losing his Dad and his desire to be with him in his last days are what is consuming him. He's more than likely not thinking about the reality of actually making the move and what it will require. Be there for him and make the offer to go with him. Forcing the issue probably wouldn't be a good idea. He may not even realize that he needs you there until he's moved and gotten his Dad comfortable.

his brother and sister both live within driving distance of his parents, and his father will not require constant care for some time, the median survivial for this surgery surgery is 40 weeks and his father has fought it so far , so I think you and I are both thinking the right thing, he is overwhelmed with guilt and thoughts he cant sort out right now. And there are alot of hurdles and alot of money that will need to be spent to get him out there and settled. I know he loves me so I will just support him the best I can without breaking down...

The hard part is having to live with each other knowing there is a possibility that he will not be in my life very soon.

RoxanneRoxanne · 02-10-2006, 10:43 AM

This is a very tough situation. I agree with others who have stated that you should offer to go with him. Let him know that you will support any decision that he makes and that you will be there for him regardless. I pray that everything works out well.

tyler43836 · 02-10-2006, 11:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zenngrl

The hard part is having to live with each other knowing there is a possibility that he will not be in my life very soon.

Are you saying that he will end your relationship when he leaves??
Because he's in a different state for awhile doesn't mean the relationship is over. Long distance relationships are difficult, but certainly not impossible.

Zenngrl · 02-10-2006, 12:20 PM

No, he has decided he is leaving, I asked if I could go with him, he said No, that he wouldn't want me to resent him later for taking me away from all my friends and family (literally all my family is in a 3 hour drive) and that he couldn't live with himself. We hugged and cried, he told me he still loves me very much and I told him. When he leaves, it will be for good, unless he wants to start the relationship up again after his dad passes and he is settled. He has already looked at apts and has a possible job. And I am not included. It will be hard, but I love him so much I can't bring myself to hate him lke I want.

I told him that I will always be here for him. He apologized for hurting me over and over again. We had a long distance relationship for about a year, only seeing each other every other week on the weekends. He was an OTR truck driver, but four months ago he found a local job and moved in full time. Now we have the struggle of waiting until he has the money to move, he needs to sell the semi before he can afford to move, we have talked about hotels, but we haven't decided what to do yet. I am not sure I can emotionally handle him being in the house til god knows when the truck sells.

Thank you all for your advice and prayers, they are much needed!

tyler43836 · 02-10-2006, 01:41 PM

Hang in there and be strong. We're here for you!

eggonmyface · 02-10-2006, 05:02 PM

Please don't feel bad about this thing. My spouse and I were apart for similiar reasons. One night I had a knock at the door---it was him. He had driven 3000 miles to join me again. That was 25 years ago.

Over40 · 02-10-2006, 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by su wren

Please don't feel bad about this thing. My spouse and I were apart for similiar reasons. One night I had a knock at the door---it was him. He had driven 3000 miles to join me again. That was 25 years ago.

That is love...

I am impressed.

Jon

sexyfatchick · 02-11-2006, 09:56 AM

I'm a big believer in letting others have the opportunity to miss you.

Yes, it's hard, but he's faced with a huge stressor right now and probably isn't thinking quite clearly. Many people make huge decisions during times of stress that they really shouldn't be making but as you know, many times all you can do is watch.

I'm afraid this is one of those situations.

Let him go, don't ask to go along anymore.

When his head clears, if it's meant to be, he'll be back.

astrl · 02-12-2006, 08:16 AM

Why couldn't he bring the father to stay with him instead of moving there?

Euphrates · 02-13-2006, 03:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zenngrl

Thank you all for your advice and prayers, they are much needed!

Hang in there, hon. Feel free to PM me any time, and if you need a hug (as I recall you're local), just say the word.

Eu

Zenngrl · 02-13-2006, 08:42 AM

UPDATE~

As of last evening, he is gone. I went to my mom's over the weekend so he could pack alone. We hugged and kissed goodbye, he doesn't want to leave, but he has to. He reiterated that he HAS to do this and that he wishes there were another way, which there isn't. I agree that this is a very spur of moment decision and I don't think the full effects of the situation have hit him yet. He asked if he could keep in touch via phone and email and I said yes, he also said something to the effect that if things "cool down" soon there may be a chance, I stopped him and asked him not to give me false hope. This is horrible for both of us, especially since he was a really great BF, if he was an ass it would be alot easier to be mad at him.

Edited to add, his mom and dad and sister and brother and their families all live close to the father, he was the odd one out. So there was no chance of him coming to Ohio.

gettingstrength · 03-12-2006, 12:16 AM

LeanLioness · 03-13-2006, 08:11 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. You all will make it through this.

to you!

Tylar_Connar · 03-21-2006, 01:56 PM

Zenngrl · 03-21-2006, 02:26 PM

I'm doing pretty damn well!! It's been over a month now and I feel almost back to me again!! I am really re-discovering who I am!! And I like it!!

CarolynF · 03-21-2006, 05:50 PM

Zenn: Good for you, girl..You need to treat yourself very special and gently during this time..and look to the future..your future with or without your dbf..

Keep us posted..

Zenngrl · 03-22-2006, 08:01 PM

I have realized that it was for the best in the long run, we wouldn't have worked out anyway, it just wasn't meant to be but the time we had was great and I will always cherish it. I think in time we will be able to be great friends. It still is sad sometimes, in certain situations, you think of the good times, etc, but then I MAKE myself remember the not so good times, and oddly it helps ALOT!!

Thanks to everyone for their support!!

JanMarie3 · 03-23-2006, 02:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by su wren

Please don't feel bad about this thing. My spouse and I were apart for similiar reasons. One night I had a knock at the door---it was him. He had driven 3000 miles to join me again. That was 25 years ago.

omg, this is the sweetest thing ever

Try to be positive.....long distance worked once, why not again

JanMarie3 · 03-23-2006, 02:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zenngrl

I'm doing pretty damn well!! It's been over a month now and I feel almost back to me again!! I am really re-discovering who I am!! And I like it!!

Thanks for the update

skinyguy · 04-01-2006, 10:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tyler43836

Definately a tough situation and I guess the fact is you aren't his priority at the moment.

i agree completly here... u are not a priority in his life... i dont want to come off as a minister or counselor... but these things result oftentimes when there has not been a serious commitment... he lives with you... loves you... and yet has never married you... along comes a crisis.. and he is ready to leave you... and as you say... he might not return... it appears that there is no commitment in your relationship. if thats the case.. let him go..

i would sit down with him immed... and have a heart to heart... yes its understandable that at this time he wants to be with his dad... but i cant but feel its an awful way of seperating from you... if he loved you completly... there would never be a thought of going along... he would not have offered u the opportunity to come along... but would rather have insisted on it... this is the thinking of a man in love and in a committed relationship... married or not. the fact that this was not forthcoming is evidence he has no meat on his bones... u have been convenient.. lovable... but dischargable...

of course it hurts... perhaps im wrong... perhaps not... have the sit down w/ him and find out... sometimes the truth hurts... but if thats the case... at least u know... and wont be left hanging on a thread.

lots of luck... i will keep u in my prayers...

Zenngrl · 04-01-2006, 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skinyguy

i agree completly here... u are not a priority in his life... i dont want to come off as a minister or counselor... but these things result oftentimes when there has not been a serious commitment... he lives with you... loves you... and yet has never married you... along comes a crisis.. and he is ready to leave you... and as you say... he might not return... it appears that there is no commitment in your relationship. if thats the case.. let him go..

i would sit down with him immed... and have a heart to heart... yes its understandable that at this time he wants to be with his dad... but i cant but feel its an awful way of seperating from you... if he loved you completly... there would never be a thought of going along... he would not have offered u the opportunity to come along... but would rather have insisted on it... this is the thinking of a man in love and in a committed relationship... married or not. the fact that this was not forthcoming is evidence he has no meat on his bones... u have been convenient.. lovable... but dischargable...

of course it hurts... perhaps im wrong... perhaps not... have the sit down w/ him and find out... sometimes the truth hurts... but if thats the case... at least u know... and wont be left hanging on a thread.

lots of luck... i will keep u in my prayers...

dude, no need to pray for me, his loss. read the entire thread before commenting...... i am not hanging onto a thread, contrary to popular belief, not all women have to have a man in their world to be whole. good luck.

02-10-2006, 05:57 AM	#1
Zenngrl Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ohio Posts: 4,125 Gallery: Zenngrl Stats: Nunya :O) WOE: Low Carb, my way!	I need support and prayer please... I have never posted over in this forum before, but I thought I might be better understood over here than the PG. My DBF's father has lung cancer and a tumor in his brain, he is going in for surgery next week. He has been sick for a little more than a year, and just now is getting worse, hence the surgery. The reason I am posting is that his parents live in Nevada, and we are in Ohio. He is seriously considering moving out there to spend the rest of the time he has left with his dad, without me. There is a small chance he will stay, but in my heart I know he will not chose me over his father, which I somewhat understand. It wouldn't be so bad if I didnt love him so damn much!! He is a good man, sweet, funny, 99% of the time we get along great, very little fighting, yelling etc. We have been together for almost 2 years and I cannot help but feel cheated. Am I wrong??? I don't mean this to be a Poor Me thread, I do hope his father comes out of surgery healthy and strong, i just wish that I could be in his life too. __________________ Do or do not; there is no try.Yoda (!) Allow me to explain the contamination process. Pine cones go in here, party liquors comes out here and proceed to here...[points to mouth]...Fights begin, finger prints are took, days is lost, bail is made, court dates are ignored, cycle is repeated www.taoteching.org Last edited by Zenngrl : 02-10-2006 at 06:21 AM.

02-10-2006, 08:26 AM	#6
tyler43836 Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: New York, NY Posts: 11,484 Blog Entries: 1 Gallery: tyler43836 Stats: ugh WOE: Atkins Start Date: Restart 3/31/08	Definately a tough situation and I guess the fact is you aren't his priority at the moment. His fear of losing his Dad and his desire to be with him in his last days are what is consuming him. He's more than likely not thinking about the reality of actually making the move and what it will require. Be there for him and make the offer to go with him. Forcing the issue probably wouldn't be a good idea. He may not even realize that he needs you there until he's moved and gotten his Dad comfortable. __________________ Tyler's myspace Excellence is achieved by the mastery of fundamentals. Vince Lombardi It isn't the great big pleasures that count the most; it's making a great deal out of the little ones. Jean Webster

02-10-2006, 12:20 PM	#10
Zenngrl Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ohio Posts: 4,125 Gallery: Zenngrl Stats: Nunya :O) WOE: Low Carb, my way!	No, he has decided he is leaving, I asked if I could go with him, he said No, that he wouldn't want me to resent him later for taking me away from all my friends and family (literally all my family is in a 3 hour drive) and that he couldn't live with himself. We hugged and cried, he told me he still loves me very much and I told him. When he leaves, it will be for good, unless he wants to start the relationship up again after his dad passes and he is settled. He has already looked at apts and has a possible job. And I am not included. It will be hard, but I love him so much I can't bring myself to hate him lke I want. I told him that I will always be here for him. He apologized for hurting me over and over again. We had a long distance relationship for about a year, only seeing each other every other week on the weekends. He was an OTR truck driver, but four months ago he found a local job and moved in full time. Now we have the struggle of waiting until he has the money to move, he needs to sell the semi before he can afford to move, we have talked about hotels, but we haven't decided what to do yet. I am not sure I can emotionally handle him being in the house til god knows when the truck sells. Thank you all for your advice and prayers, they are much needed! Last edited by Zenngrl : 02-10-2006 at 12:23 PM.

02-13-2006, 08:42 AM	#17
Zenngrl Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ohio Posts: 4,125 Gallery: Zenngrl Stats: Nunya :O) WOE: Low Carb, my way!	UPDATE~ As of last evening, he is gone. I went to my mom's over the weekend so he could pack alone. We hugged and kissed goodbye, he doesn't want to leave, but he has to. He reiterated that he HAS to do this and that he wishes there were another way, which there isn't. I agree that this is a very spur of moment decision and I don't think the full effects of the situation have hit him yet. He asked if he could keep in touch via phone and email and I said yes, he also said something to the effect that if things "cool down" soon there may be a chance, I stopped him and asked him not to give me false hope. This is horrible for both of us, especially since he was a really great BF, if he was an ass it would be alot easier to be mad at him. Edited to add, his mom and dad and sister and brother and their families all live close to the father, he was the odd one out. So there was no chance of him coming to Ohio. Last edited by Zenngrl : 02-13-2006 at 08:49 AM.

02-10-2006, 07:07 AM	#2
tyler43836 Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: New York, NY Posts: 11,484 Blog Entries: 1 Gallery: tyler43836 Stats: ugh WOE: Atkins Start Date: Restart 3/31/08	Have you approached DBF about going with him? or is that not an option for you?

02-10-2006, 07:12 AM	#3
Zenngrl Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ohio Posts: 4,125 Gallery: Zenngrl Stats: Nunya :O) WOE: Low Carb, my way!	It is an option, I have a job, but nothing i cannot find again. and no children or anything tying me down, he just hasnt asked me to. that is what hurts

02-10-2006, 08:02 AM	#5
Zenngrl Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ohio Posts: 4,125 Gallery: Zenngrl Stats: Nunya :O) WOE: Low Carb, my way!	I would love to go with him! And he isn't independently wealthy, so he and I would both have to work to sustain a home down there, esp. with costs of housing, they live in the Henderson area. He loves me and doens't want to leave, but i think his guilt and conscious has the best of him right now. ANd yes, I know he would resent me if i asked him to stay. this is tough.

02-10-2006, 10:43 AM	#8
RoxanneRoxanne MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 1,492 Blog Entries: 30 Gallery: RoxanneRoxanne Stats: 285/236/185 Start Date: Re re re re restart: 3/17/2008	This is a very tough situation. I agree with others who have stated that you should offer to go with him. Let him know that you will support any decision that he makes and that you will be there for him regardless. I pray that everything works out well.

02-10-2006, 01:41 PM	#11
tyler43836 Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: New York, NY Posts: 11,484 Blog Entries: 1 Gallery: tyler43836 Stats: ugh WOE: Atkins Start Date: Restart 3/31/08	Hang in there and be strong. We're here for you!

02-10-2006, 05:02 PM	#12
eggonmyface Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 133 Gallery: eggonmyface Stats: 270/127 WOE: Dr. A Start Date: JUNE 2004	Please don't feel bad about this thing. My spouse and I were apart for similiar reasons. One night I had a knock at the door---it was him. He had driven 3000 miles to join me again. That was 25 years ago.

02-11-2006, 09:56 AM	#14
sexyfatchick Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: On the coast in California Posts: 262 Gallery: sexyfatchick Stats: 235/163.5/130; 5'8"; WOE: Lean for Life Start Date: January 16, 2006	I'm a big believer in letting others have the opportunity to miss you. Yes, it's hard, but he's faced with a huge stressor right now and probably isn't thinking quite clearly. Many people make huge decisions during times of stress that they really shouldn't be making but as you know, many times all you can do is watch. I'm afraid this is one of those situations. Let him go, don't ask to go along anymore. When his head clears, if it's meant to be, he'll be back.

02-12-2006, 08:16 AM	#15
astrl Blabbermouth!!! Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: The Space Coast Posts: 6,554 Gallery: astrl Stats: 205/205/140 WOE: Atkins Start Date: October 2008	Why couldn't he bring the father to stay with him instead of moving there?

03-12-2006, 12:16 AM	#18
gettingstrength Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Tennessee Posts: 9,523 Gallery: gettingstrength Stats: 184 / 170 / ? WOE: atkins Start Date: 6 / 1 / 2002

03-13-2006, 08:11 PM	#19
LeanLioness Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Du Quoin, IL Posts: 4,307 Gallery: LeanLioness Stats: 230/224/120 WOE: Starting over, Atkins Phase 1 Start Date: Started Induction Again, Oct. 5 2008	I am so sorry for your loss. You all will make it through this. to you!

03-21-2006, 01:56 PM	#20
Tylar_Connar Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 12,439 Gallery: Tylar_Connar Stats: 198177150 WOE: 27 lbs to go for now Start Date: 10/14/06-165, 11/23/07 180

03-21-2006, 02:26 PM	#21
Zenngrl Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ohio Posts: 4,125 Gallery: Zenngrl Stats: Nunya :O) WOE: Low Carb, my way!	I'm doing pretty damn well!! It's been over a month now and I feel almost back to me again!! I am really re-discovering who I am!! And I like it!!

03-21-2006, 05:50 PM	#22
CarolynF Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Kansas Posts: 20,522 Gallery: CarolynF Stats: 195/150/139 WOE: Eat Fat, Get Thin/I Can Make You Thin Start Date: January 2001	Zenn: Good for you, girl..You need to treat yourself very special and gently during this time..and look to the future..your future with or without your dbf.. Keep us posted..

03-22-2006, 08:01 PM	#23
Zenngrl Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ohio Posts: 4,125 Gallery: Zenngrl Stats: Nunya :O) WOE: Low Carb, my way!	I have realized that it was for the best in the long run, we wouldn't have worked out anyway, it just wasn't meant to be but the time we had was great and I will always cherish it. I think in time we will be able to be great friends. It still is sad sometimes, in certain situations, you think of the good times, etc, but then I MAKE myself remember the not so good times, and oddly it helps ALOT!! Thanks to everyone for their support!!