stressed about how DH treats me

that1redhead · 01-19-2006, 09:53 AM

I am looking for advice everyone. I don't know how to handle things in my relationship with my DH of 12 years. When we were first married he helped around the house and he treated me with respect and love. Now he has almost completely quit helping with any housework. He flys off the handle at the kids all the time. He yells at them over everything (which I hate). We fight about him yelling at the kids, we fight about money problems, and we fight about the dog. THe worst thing is that he has started treating me like a child. If I don't do something "right" in his opinion he will yell at me about it. He is constantly saying he is not going to put up with _____ fill in the blank. Last night put me over the top. He actually pointed his finger at me and yelled at me for leaving the dog out of her kennel when I left for the store (she peed on the carpet). Now he won't even let the dog out in the morning so I say that is fine just add it to my list of things to do in the morning. He gets mad and starts telling me he can't help it but he is not letting her out because she pees on the floor so she doesn't deserve to be treated well. Anyways I tell him not to talk to me that way, he says I need to start listening to him about this and how is he supposed to treat me when I continue to leave her out, etc. I tell him I don't want to talk to him at the moment and we hang up. Now I was going to call him and say, I am sorry for leaving her out of her kennel, please try not to talk to me like a child. But he won't even take my call.

What can I do to make him understand it is not ok to treat me like this? Am I in the wrong?

zoes_mama · 01-19-2006, 12:44 PM

No, honey... you're not wrong. The man has issues. Actually sounds like my DH... he totally had anger management issues and would blow things out of proportion. The final straw came when he got in my 4yo's face about something........ I told him to get out.

Fortunately, that turned out to be a good thing... in our situation, he actually realized he had a problem. And (while we know he probably shouldn't be self-medicating, he doesn't have health insurance, so he had to make a choice)........ realizing he was about to lose his family, he got into his car, drove down to Algodones Mexico and purchased Zoloft, an anti-depressant that another friend of his (with anger management issues) is on.

DH has been on Zoloft for almost a year now and it's made a tremendous difference in our family. There are still the occassional day when he starts to get a little elevated in his intensity... but he recognizes what's happening most of the time, he's able to reel it back in. On those days when he feels unable to get a grip, he'll take an extra Zoloft and it totally helps.

It took a while for me to get used to him not talking to me badly... and he even commented on several occassions that he felt like I was distrusting of his kind words (I was) because of the years of bad words (so true)... but we are both working on it.

Since then something that I've done for myself (that has also benefitted my family) was to sign up for Fly Lady. She's helping me take care of domestic issues without being overwhelmed. So now we have a clean AND peaceful home.

Truly... it's a miracle!

But back to your situation... honey, you need to draw the line. You children don't need to be verbal punching bags and they don't need to see mom being treated as one (or their dog being mistreated for that matter). For your well being and the well being of your children, you are probably going to have to summon up your strength and give the man an ultimatum (as terrifying as that may be).

I had told DH on several occassions that I wasn't going to take his verbal abuse for ever....... but it wasn't until I made him leave that he took me seriously.

Also, just a piece of advice... try to find a "safe place" that perhaps you and the kids might go if things should get heated and you need to take a stand. When I made DH get out, I took DD and went to a friend's home that he did not know about. This allowed us to feel safe and he was able to go home and get what he needed without any confrontation.

Good luck with your situation... you deserve to be treated better than you are.

that1redhead · 01-19-2006, 01:06 PM

Thank you for your response. I will have to come up with a plan to discuss things with him. Zoloft is for depression but it must help with mood issues apparently? I think this would be the best thing to do but don't think he is open to the idea - I have suggested it before. I don't want to have to give him an ultimatum as I suspect he wouldn't bend but I will have to if I can not tolerate it any more.

Thanks again.

SoHappy · 01-19-2006, 03:55 PM

I think the term "depression" is a little misleading to some people. It is so easy to construe this as meaning only sad and unhappy.....in a blue mood. But anger is also a very prevalent symptom of many who suffer from clinical depression. Your husband may well suffer from depression.

But certainly he has issues with anger, and his responses to situations seem to be totally out of proportion to the mis-deed he is reacting to. I do advise you to think very hard about protecting yourself and your children. For some reason people don't seem to recognize emotional abuse, and they often don't seem to understand the TREMENDOUS damage it can do to the esteem and self perception of all of the victims. The little minds of your precious children must not be damaged by their own father, and it is entirely possible for this to be happening.

This is something that you are going to have to give some VERY serious thought! What actions can you take to actually help the situation, hopefully for your husband as well as your children and yourself. It actually sounded from reading your post that this is escalating in both how often these incidents occur and in how severe his rage becomes when he erupts. These are scary warning signs. Good luck.

Bubbles · 01-19-2006, 06:00 PM

My DH was a bear too until he found Paxil!!!! Now he is only a bear when he forgets to take it!

Is your DH pissed about the dog because he never wanted one? Whose dog is it? Was it wanted by him or just you and the kids? As far as the dog 'abuse' goes keeping her in her crate is not punishing her and if no one is training/disciplining her she will continue to be a huge problem in the house. She needs some serious training if she can't hold it in for a short period of time. My DH was ready to get rid of my cat when he stopped using the litter box. I started to clean the box daily instead of every other day and the problem stopped. It was not the cat it was the box.
Most problems can be fixed by first figuring out how to avoid having a problem to begin with, if no one wants to care for the dog then maybe your family should not have one.
You seem overwhelmed by household chores and are not getting help. Take charge!!!!

zoes_mama · 01-19-2006, 10:08 PM

Yes, Zoloft is for depression and he is not someone who displays classic symptoms of depression.

I had actually been encouraging him for years to see professional help and get a prescription for SOMETHING to help him with his anger management (mis-management!) issues.

One thing that totally did the trick for him was talking to another man... we met an online friend of his for dinner one night when the guy was in town working... he was talking about how going on Zoloft saved his marriage and his family... he went on to describe his anger management issues and how it affected his wife and children.... I sat there across the table from him with my jaw on the table... it was as if he'd been a fly on the wall of my own home!

I kept telling DH to talk to him, listen to him!!

He was very forthcoming about what he took, how much and why (and how he acts when he goes off it!!!)

So, two weeks later when I made DH leave........... he already had the information he needed, so off he went to pick up a prescription.

He had been SOOOOOo against it for so long, worried it would change his personality, or have bad effects (weight gain, sleeplessness, lack of sex drive, etc.), but he had already had those questions answered by his friend.

Also, he started talking to his other online men friends and was amazed at how many of them were on anti-depressants! It was a real eye opener for him. Also, after he started it, he consulted with some medical friends (two nurses and a psychologist) and they all agreed that Zoloft was the best thing for him, what they would've recommended (though most of them agree they'd like to see him on a higher dose!)

But it's working for now, and I am grateful to God for it!!

As the other ladies said...... please, please for the sake of yourself and your children, please take some sort of affirmative action.

I couldn't bear the thought of my DD growing up believing it was okay for a man to be verbally abusive to her -- because that's how she saw daddy treating her mom.

That's the kind of kick in the pants I needed to ask him to leave.... and fortunately, leaving made him "wake up" and seek help.

May the same thing happen for you.

((((( hugs )))) and hang in there!!!!

Pam

P.S. - My DH is actually pretty forth-coming about talking to men about this if you ever want to put the guys in touch, I'd be happy to facilitate that!!!

zay · 01-20-2006, 06:46 AM

I'm sorry your life is so difficult. I hope you have a serious talk with your husband about his reaction to normal, stressful, daily occurances. You need to let him see how he is acting. It may take someone outside to show him how unrealistic he is. Is there anyone you can talk to outside the family that he trusts and feels comfortable with?
I don't know if he needs meds or counseling or even to learn to become closer to God (if he is religious). I know for me God is the answer and helps me with many similar life problems. Best wishes to you and your family

Your husband needs some help and love.

that1redhead · 01-20-2006, 10:22 AM

Thank you for all your help on this matter. Things are patched up for now. I apologized for leaving the dog out of her kennel and asked him not to treat me in that way anymore. He apologized and said he would try not to talk to me that way. I am going to have a good talk with him regarding this and really push medication. There could be another problem too because I think he has sleep apnea but will not do anything about it. I am sure that is a contributing factor. I agree I do not want my children to model this behavior. I have to do something. Thanks again everyone for your advice and kind words.

Pamalee63 · 01-20-2006, 01:31 PM

Your DH sounds almost exactly like how mine was acting. I finally told him if he didn't go see our dr for help, we were getting a divorce. I wanted him to get counseling but he is not that type so I didn't push it.

He was put on Prozac and it changed our lives.

Anger and mood swings can be symptoms of depression, especially considering men are conditioned to think they aren't supposed to cry or "act like sissies" etc. Also, fear can be a big underlying factor in anger. Is he having problems at work that he is trying to shoulder by himself so he won't burden you?

I hope for the best for you. It sucks having to walk on eggshells.

zoes_mama · 01-20-2006, 04:16 PM

RED... if your hubby has sleep apnea, that could definitely be contributing to his bad behaviour... lack of sleep eventually makes the best tempered of us psychotic! Please lovingly encourage him to seek treatment... if he won't do it for himself or your, tell him to do it for his children.

maskd · 01-20-2006, 04:30 PM

I can relate to that story, it sounds just like my dad... He's got serious anger issues, even when he's trying to saying something normally he says it and normally gets angry mid way through the sentence and starts yelling. Since we've all had enough of it, all 3 of us just ignore it when he's ranting and raving which makes him even more angrier seeing as he has nothing to vent his anger at. I'm pretty concered about his health, considering he's very obese and drinks too much; His blood pressure must be through the roof... Of course we'd never know because he never goes to the Doctor.

Problem is no matter how many times we tell him to try and help himself control his anger, he won't... It's like he's just given up on life, which sucks considering I'd like my children to have a grand father one day on their father's side, because I didn't.

I got a punching bag for christmas and I love it, I'm going to suggest he go out and hit it next time he's feeling a bit angry.

01-19-2006, 09:53 AM	#1
that1redhead Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: North Dakota Posts: 3,543 Gallery: that1redhead Stats: 235/145 restart 225/209/145 WOE: Atkins Start Date: 1/8/04	stressed about how DH treats me I am looking for advice everyone. I don't know how to handle things in my relationship with my DH of 12 years. When we were first married he helped around the house and he treated me with respect and love. Now he has almost completely quit helping with any housework. He flys off the handle at the kids all the time. He yells at them over everything (which I hate). We fight about him yelling at the kids, we fight about money problems, and we fight about the dog. THe worst thing is that he has started treating me like a child. If I don't do something "right" in his opinion he will yell at me about it. He is constantly saying he is not going to put up with _____ fill in the blank. Last night put me over the top. He actually pointed his finger at me and yelled at me for leaving the dog out of her kennel when I left for the store (she peed on the carpet). Now he won't even let the dog out in the morning so I say that is fine just add it to my list of things to do in the morning. He gets mad and starts telling me he can't help it but he is not letting her out because she pees on the floor so she doesn't deserve to be treated well. Anyways I tell him not to talk to me that way, he says I need to start listening to him about this and how is he supposed to treat me when I continue to leave her out, etc. I tell him I don't want to talk to him at the moment and we hang up. Now I was going to call him and say, I am sorry for leaving her out of her kennel, please try not to talk to me like a child. But he won't even take my call. What can I do to make him understand it is not ok to treat me like this? Am I in the wrong?

01-19-2006, 12:44 PM	#2
zoes_mama MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Central Phoenix, AZ (USA) Posts: 1,829 Gallery: zoes_mama Stats: 226+/188/165 WOE: Atkins Start Date: Maintaining since 2005	No, honey... you're not wrong. The man has issues. Actually sounds like my DH... he totally had anger management issues and would blow things out of proportion. The final straw came when he got in my 4yo's face about something........ I told him to get out. Fortunately, that turned out to be a good thing... in our situation, he actually realized he had a problem. And (while we know he probably shouldn't be self-medicating, he doesn't have health insurance, so he had to make a choice)........ realizing he was about to lose his family, he got into his car, drove down to Algodones Mexico and purchased Zoloft, an anti-depressant that another friend of his (with anger management issues) is on. DH has been on Zoloft for almost a year now and it's made a tremendous difference in our family. There are still the occassional day when he starts to get a little elevated in his intensity... but he recognizes what's happening most of the time, he's able to reel it back in. On those days when he feels unable to get a grip, he'll take an extra Zoloft and it totally helps. It took a while for me to get used to him not talking to me badly... and he even commented on several occassions that he felt like I was distrusting of his kind words (I was) because of the years of bad words (so true)... but we are both working on it. Since then something that I've done for myself (that has also benefitted my family) was to sign up for Fly Lady. She's helping me take care of domestic issues without being overwhelmed. So now we have a clean AND peaceful home. Truly... it's a miracle! But back to your situation... honey, you need to draw the line. You children don't need to be verbal punching bags and they don't need to see mom being treated as one (or their dog being mistreated for that matter). For your well being and the well being of your children, you are probably going to have to summon up your strength and give the man an ultimatum (as terrifying as that may be). I had told DH on several occassions that I wasn't going to take his verbal abuse for ever....... but it wasn't until I made him leave that he took me seriously. Also, just a piece of advice... try to find a "safe place" that perhaps you and the kids might go if things should get heated and you need to take a stand. When I made DH get out, I took DD and went to a friend's home that he did not know about. This allowed us to feel safe and he was able to go home and get what he needed without any confrontation. Good luck with your situation... you deserve to be treated better than you are. __________________ PAMMY V. * CHALLENGES * 1.) LCF SUPPORT SISTERS 2.) I Power 90!

01-19-2006, 06:00 PM	#5
Bubbles Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Live Free or Die Baby!!!!! Posts: 10,100 Gallery: Bubbles Stats: 140 lbs of flabby fun WOE: All the time Start Date: Feb 2003	My DH was a bear too until he found Paxil!!!! Now he is only a bear when he forgets to take it! Is your DH pissed about the dog because he never wanted one? Whose dog is it? Was it wanted by him or just you and the kids? As far as the dog 'abuse' goes keeping her in her crate is not punishing her and if no one is training/disciplining her she will continue to be a huge problem in the house. She needs some serious training if she can't hold it in for a short period of time. My DH was ready to get rid of my cat when he stopped using the litter box. I started to clean the box daily instead of every other day and the problem stopped. It was not the cat it was the box. Most problems can be fixed by first figuring out how to avoid having a problem to begin with, if no one wants to care for the dog then maybe your family should not have one. You seem overwhelmed by household chores and are not getting help. Take charge!!!! __________________ I don't have a problem with anger, I have a problem with idiots. Just because I don't care, does not mean I don't understand.

01-20-2006, 06:46 AM	#7
zay Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,243 Gallery: zay	I'm sorry your life is so difficult. I hope you have a serious talk with your husband about his reaction to normal, stressful, daily occurances. You need to let him see how he is acting. It may take someone outside to show him how unrealistic he is. Is there anyone you can talk to outside the family that he trusts and feels comfortable with? I don't know if he needs meds or counseling or even to learn to become closer to God (if he is religious). I know for me God is the answer and helps me with many similar life problems. Best wishes to you and your family Your husband needs some help and love. Last edited by zay : 01-20-2006 at 06:47 AM.

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01-19-2006, 01:06 PM	#3
that1redhead Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: North Dakota Posts: 3,543 Gallery: that1redhead Stats: 235/145 restart 225/209/145 WOE: Atkins Start Date: 1/8/04	Thank you for your response. I will have to come up with a plan to discuss things with him. Zoloft is for depression but it must help with mood issues apparently? I think this would be the best thing to do but don't think he is open to the idea - I have suggested it before. I don't want to have to give him an ultimatum as I suspect he wouldn't bend but I will have to if I can not tolerate it any more. Thanks again.

01-19-2006, 03:55 PM	#4
SoHappy MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 2,816 Gallery: SoHappy	I think the term "depression" is a little misleading to some people. It is so easy to construe this as meaning only sad and unhappy.....in a blue mood. But anger is also a very prevalent symptom of many who suffer from clinical depression. Your husband may well suffer from depression. But certainly he has issues with anger, and his responses to situations seem to be totally out of proportion to the mis-deed he is reacting to. I do advise you to think very hard about protecting yourself and your children. For some reason people don't seem to recognize emotional abuse, and they often don't seem to understand the TREMENDOUS damage it can do to the esteem and self perception of all of the victims. The little minds of your precious children must not be damaged by their own father, and it is entirely possible for this to be happening. This is something that you are going to have to give some VERY serious thought! What actions can you take to actually help the situation, hopefully for your husband as well as your children and yourself. It actually sounded from reading your post that this is escalating in both how often these incidents occur and in how severe his rage becomes when he erupts. These are scary warning signs. Good luck.

01-19-2006, 10:08 PM	#6
zoes_mama MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Central Phoenix, AZ (USA) Posts: 1,829 Gallery: zoes_mama Stats: 226+/188/165 WOE: Atkins Start Date: Maintaining since 2005	Yes, Zoloft is for depression and he is not someone who displays classic symptoms of depression. I had actually been encouraging him for years to see professional help and get a prescription for SOMETHING to help him with his anger management (mis-management!) issues. One thing that totally did the trick for him was talking to another man... we met an online friend of his for dinner one night when the guy was in town working... he was talking about how going on Zoloft saved his marriage and his family... he went on to describe his anger management issues and how it affected his wife and children.... I sat there across the table from him with my jaw on the table... it was as if he'd been a fly on the wall of my own home! I kept telling DH to talk to him, listen to him!! He was very forthcoming about what he took, how much and why (and how he acts when he goes off it!!!) So, two weeks later when I made DH leave........... he already had the information he needed, so off he went to pick up a prescription. He had been SOOOOOo against it for so long, worried it would change his personality, or have bad effects (weight gain, sleeplessness, lack of sex drive, etc.), but he had already had those questions answered by his friend. Also, he started talking to his other online men friends and was amazed at how many of them were on anti-depressants! It was a real eye opener for him. Also, after he started it, he consulted with some medical friends (two nurses and a psychologist) and they all agreed that Zoloft was the best thing for him, what they would've recommended (though most of them agree they'd like to see him on a higher dose!) But it's working for now, and I am grateful to God for it!! As the other ladies said...... please, please for the sake of yourself and your children, please take some sort of affirmative action. I couldn't bear the thought of my DD growing up believing it was okay for a man to be verbally abusive to her -- because that's how she saw daddy treating her mom. That's the kind of kick in the pants I needed to ask him to leave.... and fortunately, leaving made him "wake up" and seek help. May the same thing happen for you. ((((( hugs )))) and hang in there!!!! Pam P.S. - My DH is actually pretty forth-coming about talking to men about this if you ever want to put the guys in touch, I'd be happy to facilitate that!!!

01-20-2006, 10:22 AM	#8
that1redhead Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: North Dakota Posts: 3,543 Gallery: that1redhead Stats: 235/145 restart 225/209/145 WOE: Atkins Start Date: 1/8/04	Thank you for all your help on this matter. Things are patched up for now. I apologized for leaving the dog out of her kennel and asked him not to treat me in that way anymore. He apologized and said he would try not to talk to me that way. I am going to have a good talk with him regarding this and really push medication. There could be another problem too because I think he has sleep apnea but will not do anything about it. I am sure that is a contributing factor. I agree I do not want my children to model this behavior. I have to do something. Thanks again everyone for your advice and kind words.

01-20-2006, 01:31 PM	#9
Pamalee63 Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Lubbock, TX Posts: 4,735 Gallery: Pamalee63 Stats: 246.5/240.8/175 (highest 260 in 1999) WOE: Atkins Start Date: 11/15/2008	Your DH sounds almost exactly like how mine was acting. I finally told him if he didn't go see our dr for help, we were getting a divorce. I wanted him to get counseling but he is not that type so I didn't push it. He was put on Prozac and it changed our lives. Anger and mood swings can be symptoms of depression, especially considering men are conditioned to think they aren't supposed to cry or "act like sissies" etc. Also, fear can be a big underlying factor in anger. Is he having problems at work that he is trying to shoulder by himself so he won't burden you? I hope for the best for you. It sucks having to walk on eggshells.

01-20-2006, 04:16 PM	#10
zoes_mama MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Central Phoenix, AZ (USA) Posts: 1,829 Gallery: zoes_mama Stats: 226+/188/165 WOE: Atkins Start Date: Maintaining since 2005	RED... if your hubby has sleep apnea, that could definitely be contributing to his bad behaviour... lack of sleep eventually makes the best tempered of us psychotic! Please lovingly encourage him to seek treatment... if he won't do it for himself or your, tell him to do it for his children.

01-20-2006, 04:30 PM	#11
maskd Senior LCF Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Wollongong, Australia Posts: 641 Gallery: maskd Stats: 210/208/175 WOE: My Own Thing Start Date: Oct 05, Restart July 07	I can relate to that story, it sounds just like my dad... He's got serious anger issues, even when he's trying to saying something normally he says it and normally gets angry mid way through the sentence and starts yelling. Since we've all had enough of it, all 3 of us just ignore it when he's ranting and raving which makes him even more angrier seeing as he has nothing to vent his anger at. I'm pretty concered about his health, considering he's very obese and drinks too much; His blood pressure must be through the roof... Of course we'd never know because he never goes to the Doctor. Problem is no matter how many times we tell him to try and help himself control his anger, he won't... It's like he's just given up on life, which sucks considering I'd like my children to have a grand father one day on their father's side, because I didn't. I got a punching bag for christmas and I love it, I'm going to suggest he go out and hit it next time he's feeling a bit angry.