Mother is the Daughter

Slim34 · 01-04-2006, 01:30 PM

I am 36yrs old and for the past 20 years my mother has relied on me to take care of her emotionally, financially, and I feel she wants me to solve all her problems. Now that I have a family, its been difficult to deal with.. for so much i have to worry about when it comes to my own family. Bad thing is I am renting my old place to her.. now she says she cant pay rent. I have heard her cry before, and go out and blow $200 on whatever. She has a bad spending habit. I love her, and plus I am in a bind, since my place is in the ghetto and no one will buy it. Now I have to hear, her cry to my stepdaughter and my husband that she has no money.. I have given her every break I could, and she never asks me how is your day? how is your life? just I'm not perfect, but by god, do you have $20 dollars i can borrow? Sorry for the downer, I need to vent somewhat, this leaves so much stress on me..
Thanks for listening...

Cindy P · 01-04-2006, 01:38 PM

I would print this out and show her it. Reality is a real waker upper. It sucks that you feel this way. Sorry.

SoHappy · 01-04-2006, 06:32 PM

I'm sorry this is happening to you. And it's not FAIR that this is happening to you! A PARENT should NEVER suck the strength and spirit out of their child!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If this is ever going to stop, however, YOU are the one who is going to have to put an end to it. It is more than obvious that your Mother will not. Maybe some evening after the kids are in bed and you have a few moments to think quietly, you could list out what you are willing to help your Mother with, and in what financial amounts, etc. ..... and what you WILL NO LONGER put up with from her! And then present the list to her and tell her that you mean it! You love her, but you cannot be her Mommy.

Good Luck.

doodles · 01-05-2006, 05:33 AM

I'm so sorry. SoHappy is right. It would be different if she was incapacitated, but it doesn't sound like that is the case. Sit her down and have a come to Jesus talk. Good luck.

Slim34 · 01-05-2006, 07:19 AM

thanks for your replys. I have talked to her and have told her I have my own bills and own problems to deal with. She gets so emotional and usually ends with I am going to kill myself. You would be happy if i was dead. I love her and do just about anything for her, but it has come to such a burden on me. She told me last night she wont have the rent till 3 weeks from now.. Now I have to rearrange my finances. I dont know what to do..

gettingstrength · 01-05-2006, 10:44 AM

I feel this way with my mom .

zay · 01-20-2006, 04:26 PM

I'm so sorry your mother is doing this. It seems really immature. I wish I had advice.

Jennyl · 01-22-2006, 10:55 PM

I'm sorry you have had to go through this. I have a similar problem with my dad. He is 65 years old and until a few months ago I was paying his electricity and phone bills every month, I also helped him with his rent for almost a year. I have bailed him out financially several times, even loaned him money for a car he needed to buy because of a job he had lined up...once he got the car I never heard another word about the job. He is incapable of getting or holding onto a job, but it's never his fault. He is very immature and does not deal well with people. He got mad at me about something in the summertime and didn't come over for a while or call me. I didn't call him either and we've hardly spoken since then. Part of me is sad that our relationship is not better but I sure am glad that I don't have to pay his bills or deal with his ridiculously immature dramas anymore. I was kind of hurt that he didn't even come over at christmas time, but I called him on christmas and on his birthday. I am not saying that you should remove your mother from you life, but if there is any way at all that you can try to create some emotional and eventually physical distance, it might just be best for both of you. You are not responsible for her happiness, she is an adult and she needs to be responsible for herself. Toxic people suck!!!

RoxanneRoxanne · 01-23-2006, 02:54 PM

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I can only imagine how stressful it must be for you.

01-04-2006, 01:30 PM	#1
Slim34 Junior LCF Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Illinois Posts: 57 Gallery: Slim34	Mother is the Daughter I am 36yrs old and for the past 20 years my mother has relied on me to take care of her emotionally, financially, and I feel she wants me to solve all her problems. Now that I have a family, its been difficult to deal with.. for so much i have to worry about when it comes to my own family. Bad thing is I am renting my old place to her.. now she says she cant pay rent. I have heard her cry before, and go out and blow $200 on whatever. She has a bad spending habit. I love her, and plus I am in a bind, since my place is in the ghetto and no one will buy it. Now I have to hear, her cry to my stepdaughter and my husband that she has no money.. I have given her every break I could, and she never asks me how is your day? how is your life? just I'm not perfect, but by god, do you have $20 dollars i can borrow? Sorry for the downer, I need to vent somewhat, this leaves so much stress on me.. Thanks for listening...

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01-04-2006, 01:38 PM	#2
Cindy P MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: South Georgia Posts: 1,247 Gallery: Cindy P Stats: 347/278/150 WOE: atkins/again after slacking off :( Start Date: june 18, 2003	I would print this out and show her it. Reality is a real waker upper. It sucks that you feel this way. Sorry.

01-04-2006, 06:32 PM	#3
SoHappy MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 2,816 Gallery: SoHappy	I'm sorry this is happening to you. And it's not FAIR that this is happening to you! A PARENT should NEVER suck the strength and spirit out of their child!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If this is ever going to stop, however, YOU are the one who is going to have to put an end to it. It is more than obvious that your Mother will not. Maybe some evening after the kids are in bed and you have a few moments to think quietly, you could list out what you are willing to help your Mother with, and in what financial amounts, etc. ..... and what you WILL NO LONGER put up with from her! And then present the list to her and tell her that you mean it! You love her, but you cannot be her Mommy. Good Luck.

01-05-2006, 05:33 AM	#4
doodles Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Colts Country! Posts: 14,045 Gallery: doodles WOE: I don't even know at this point. Start Date: hmmm, what time is it now?	I'm so sorry. SoHappy is right. It would be different if she was incapacitated, but it doesn't sound like that is the case. Sit her down and have a come to Jesus talk. Good luck.

01-05-2006, 07:19 AM	#5
Slim34 Junior LCF Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Illinois Posts: 57 Gallery: Slim34	thanks for your replys. I have talked to her and have told her I have my own bills and own problems to deal with. She gets so emotional and usually ends with I am going to kill myself. You would be happy if i was dead. I love her and do just about anything for her, but it has come to such a burden on me. She told me last night she wont have the rent till 3 weeks from now.. Now I have to rearrange my finances. I dont know what to do..

01-05-2006, 10:44 AM	#6
gettingstrength Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Tennessee Posts: 9,523 Gallery: gettingstrength Stats: 184 / 170 / ? WOE: atkins Start Date: 6 / 1 / 2002	I feel this way with my mom .

01-20-2006, 04:26 PM	#7
zay Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,243 Gallery: zay	I'm so sorry your mother is doing this. It seems really immature. I wish I had advice.

01-22-2006, 10:55 PM	#8
Jennyl Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: calgary Posts: 24,145 Gallery: Jennyl Start Date: manana	I'm sorry you have had to go through this. I have a similar problem with my dad. He is 65 years old and until a few months ago I was paying his electricity and phone bills every month, I also helped him with his rent for almost a year. I have bailed him out financially several times, even loaned him money for a car he needed to buy because of a job he had lined up...once he got the car I never heard another word about the job. He is incapable of getting or holding onto a job, but it's never his fault. He is very immature and does not deal well with people. He got mad at me about something in the summertime and didn't come over for a while or call me. I didn't call him either and we've hardly spoken since then. Part of me is sad that our relationship is not better but I sure am glad that I don't have to pay his bills or deal with his ridiculously immature dramas anymore. I was kind of hurt that he didn't even come over at christmas time, but I called him on christmas and on his birthday. I am not saying that you should remove your mother from you life, but if there is any way at all that you can try to create some emotional and eventually physical distance, it might just be best for both of you. You are not responsible for her happiness, she is an adult and she needs to be responsible for herself. Toxic people suck!!!

01-23-2006, 02:54 PM	#9
RoxanneRoxanne MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 1,492 Blog Entries: 30 Gallery: RoxanneRoxanne Stats: 285/236/185 Start Date: Re re re re restart: 3/17/2008	I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I can only imagine how stressful it must be for you.