I can't believe what happened....

[CartBabe]

over the Thanksgiving weekend.
We went to visit my parents on Saturday. I have been putting up with "you don't need to lose any more weight, etc..." for awhile. However, these are the same people who have been telling me for over thirty years that I was too "fat", not good enough, etc. For over thirty years they criticized me and put me down for my weight.
This weekend, my mother, literally tried to shove chocolate fudge into my mouth! She was poking it at my mouth and saying "c'mon, one bite won't hurt you"! I was so shocked and quite literally angered. THEN she did it AGAIN! My dear husband said the worst thing about it is that she was "cackling" about it!
Over the last couple of years, I have done a lot of research into the psychology of my weight problems. I had found that I was pretty convinced that my mother had purposely pushed me to overeat as a child. This really confirmed my suspicions. It really is a sick mind that WANTS their child to be overweight and then ridicules and picks on them for it.
Fortunately for me, I had faced this situation and dealt with it over a year ago. It freed me from the pain of this abuse. However, I was TOTALLY in shock when she did this, this weekend. Just blew my mind! I got REALLY REALLY angry...but she didn't know it! We left shortly after the incident.
How can people do this to each other????!!!!

[My_Sharona]

Sorry to hear this, I’m so dumbfounded how some people; especially family or close friends can be so cruel. I would of done the same thing as you did, got up and left.

Keep to your guns girl!

[everythingstaken]

It's just like the old "clean your plate" thing. Mom's are naturally inclined to make their children eat... "You're not eatting enough, you're too skinny."

I can understand your frustration, but I don't think that it's something you should really take offense to. I doubt that her intention is to make you fat, just happy and well fed which is a natural motherly instinct.

My problem was always the opposite. Nobody ever bothered providing food/cooking so when I got it I overate. Of course after we both grew up a little bit my mom actually encouraged me to leave something on my plate and always told me to slow down so that I could feel when I was satisfied instead of full.

[Saracat]

Cartbabe,
I , too, have an abusive relationship and it always blows my mind when what I have suspected to be true about tha abuser is proven true. The kind of people who do this are people with such self hatred and lack of self esteem, that they must always destroy someone else in order to feel good about themselves. Your success diminishes them . I am so sorry to hear about your experience ,but eventually you need to set some sort of distance between yourself and your mother. She is a "toxic" person. I have had to do that with an aunt , who had been a sort of "mother substitute'. She is toxic to my life and emotional health. Everytime I am successful at anything, she tries to diminish it, and reinforce my weaknesses. My husband has been wonderful in helping me deal with her.She is my only immediate family left. I remain civil, but with a distance. Keep standing your ground! You are the strong one, and you look gorgeous!

[rubidoux]

wow! that's messed up! i'm sorry you had to deal with that. it sounds like your mother is in pretty deep denial about her role in all of it if she's *still* doing it. yikes! i bet it was kind of nice to have your hubby there, though, someone on your side, a witness...

and, btw, your pics are sooo inspiring. your mom was right about one thing -- you really do look awsome at your current weight!

[Butternut]

I know what you mean Cartbabe. My uncle told me that when I was a baby my mother would force me to eat more than I wanted when she was feeding me. Back in the fifties I understand that fat babies were desired. Big mistake! These days she is always belittling someone and it is so depressing. I know she is doing it to the next person she calls too. I try to nip it in the bud and when she is bad, I distant myself as much as possible. Then she can't stand not knowing what I am doing or where I am all the time. When I am with her I am so tensed up and nervous. She is so overbearing. We never had a good mother/daughter relationship. Everything from her was negative. I never received any encouragement to do good in school or go to college. I had to do it on my own as an adult. She really does not like herself but takes it out on everyone else. My poor father. He does everything for her and is treated like a dog. BUT he never did anything to fix the problem either....
I don't know how to make it better or even tolerate it comfortably now.

[Jennyl]

how awful. Some people just don't feel good unless they are making other people feel bad.

[flowerdale]

wow! I got goosebumps reading that! How sick! Good for you for dealing with these issues. And just because we are related to some people it doesn't mean that they mean well. And I don't think your "mother" meant to "mean well". She's obviously jealous of your successful weight loss and the beautiful person you have turned into. I wouldn't be going to see her for some time.

[Tyrone Bill]

Actions like this are beyond understanding. I can't figure this behavior out at all. I haven't seen it myself but have seen similar things happen to others. You did the best thing by just ignoring and making a graceful exit.

[TheBluegrassBabe]

Sorry your Mother was so thoughtless and hurtful. I really am.

[JONAH'S GRANNY]

Originally Posted by Jennyl

how awful. Some people just don't feel good unless they are making other people feel bad.

Yes, and it is such a shame that it had to be your Mother. I had a similar situation recently only it was with my Niece. I remember walking away from my situation feeling humiliated and depressed. Almost had me convinced I was "sick in the head" for wanting to be so thin at my age. She truly tried to sabotage my whole weekend and just threw one insult after another in addition to one high carb food after another. Some people just don't get it. I knew though she was struggling with her own weight issues and was just jealous of my ability to lose my weight and keep it off. I truly have forgiven her. I hope it didn't ruin your Thanksgiving weekend. You are such an inspiration and a real trooper. Love you, girl! Granny Ann

[jme98105]

I just don't understand why people do what they do sometimes! I too would chalk it up to jealousy and a bit of mean spiritedness. I truly am sorry that you have to deal with that. I agree that you did the right thing by walking away. she probably isn't going to change her ways anytime soon. btw, this is the first time i have ever seen you. WOW! WOW! WOW! you lost a whole person! You look absolutly incredible! Good job on all of your hard work. It is obvious that you are a fighter if you made it this far. We sometimes don't realize the battles that wait for us after we've conquered the weight. Keep it up and don't let her get you down!!!!!

[charmedpea]

I'm sorry you had to deal with this on thanksgiving no less.. I have never had to deal with people doing this to me.. You look awsome.. Walking away I think was the best thing you could of done.. Glad hubby was with you..


charmed

[blnb10]

Hugs to you, CartBabe!

You made the best of a difficult and hurtful situation by just making a graceful exit, I'm proud of you for leaving. I'm sorry that you had to deal with such mean-spirited behavior by your mom.

Be proud of all that you've accomplished and don't let ANYONE make you feel otherwise!!


Bettye

[idioglossic]

Mary

Wow, I remember when you figured this out... and facing the truth is so liberating.. you faced it and freed yourself.. and while it may have made you angry... it was no suprise... and confirmed your deepest feelings.

Fantastic on not letting her know how it made you feel..

[Smythe]

Mary-
Somebody else said it perfectly....some people just can't be happy unless they are making others miserable. The pseudo competition your mom has set up with you from early on is her sickness . You are a strong beautiful woman....

[CartBabe]

Thank you everyone for your support. This just helps to strengthen my resolve. It really helps to know that you were "set up" from an early age. Helps you to let go of the pain of thinking that it is all your own fault!

[CarolynF]

Hi,

What a terrible way for your Mom to act, but it's probably no big surprise to you, is it?

I would ask her if she would shove alcohol down an alcoholic's throat? Same thing in my opinion..

From what you have said, she is more comfortable with you fat..because then she has the upper hand..Now she can't pick on you for your weight..so you are spoiling her fun..It's all about HER..not about you at all..

So..I would make my visits short and sweet.. Bless you..You look terrific, my friend.

[SugarBabi]

I'm sorry you had to experience this and that your mom is the way she is.

[walkthebeach]

Well, that must have been a weird scene. Aren't the holidays with family wonderful? (sarcasm off...) I can't be around my parents on Thanksgiving; we usually go to my brother's or sister's and manage to have fun and there is no pressure to overeat. My father is a great one for telling female family members how fat they are and they'd better get busy and lose weight. Yeah. He told my 10 yr. old niece that, made her cry. She's a little hefty but nothing to warrant a remark like that. My brother did not call him on his rudeness/cruelty either. May I ask why you didn't express your anger to your mother?

[Pamalee63]

I'm sorry she keeps on doing this.

[CartBabe]

Originally Posted by walkthebeach

Well, that must have been a weird scene. Aren't the holidays with family wonderful? (sarcasm off...) I can't be around my parents on Thanksgiving; we usually go to my brother's or sister's and manage to have fun and there is no pressure to overeat. My father is a great one for telling female family members how fat they are and they'd better get busy and lose weight. Yeah. He told my 10 yr. old niece that, made her cry. She's a little hefty but nothing to warrant a remark like that. My brother did not call him on his rudeness/cruelty either. May I ask why you didn't express your anger to your mother?

Well, to be honest this is a VERY good question I addressed the severe forms of abuse with my mother when I was young, and she said to never bring it up again. Because I am almost forty, I belong to the era that NEVER argues with their parents or stands up for their rights. It has caused me a lot of pain in my relationships and life. Thank GOD for a wonderful husband who has taught me how to live life! However, I still can not be in any way disrespectful to my parents. It just isn't in me. I realize that she has a problem, but to be honest with you, I don't think SHE realizes it! She is in her eighties....I accepted a long time ago, she isn't going to change. I don't know how to put this, but, they are the type of people who come off as absolutely perfect to EVERYONE......but there are a few secrets that EVERYONE doesn't know!

[Doug1960]

I just want to say how awesome I think you are for figuring out what was going on and then having the courage to take care of it. You look great, you sound great and your head and your heart seem to in the right place. What a blessing that you and your husband are such a wonderful team together.

I was taught bad eating habits when I grew up. I don't think that was part of our familial dysfunction, although there were plenty of other things. My mother had a problem with overeating and what I feel was an addiction to sugar and junk carbs that was fueled by emotional problems and insecurities. It eventually lead to her death at the relatively young age of 53.

I had to learn to break all of those bad eating habits and I know that some of my relatives and even a few friends don't like it. But most of them are supportive and my siblings and I even talk about it now and some of them are on Atkins and have lost or are losing weight. But it's a continual struggle to beat it and stay in control of it. Ever vigilant... that sort of thing.

All the best!

[zay]

Mary This is tough to go through with your own Mother. I admire you for your calmness, compassion and respect towards her. Maybe one day you will be able to talk to her about it all and let her know how hurt you are. I'm also so happy for you to have such a wonderful husband.

[SoHappy]

Strangely, about the only thing I have ever found that's helpful in these situations, is finally to say to them, "What is the MATTER with you?" They seem to pause and kind of realize that what they are doing/saying is really over the top. (Sorry this happened to you.)