I'm an emotional wreck.

[Purrgirl]

I've recently called off my engagement and am in the process of moving out. It will probably be another 10 days till I move out of his home. I'm so sad. I have fears that I will never find someone else. That fear almost stops me from leaving. I can't even think straight. I'm beyond devastated.

How will I find someone else? Here I thought in a few months I'd be getting married, then start a family shortly after and now I'm going to be single. I've been with my EX on and off for almost 9 years. I don't even know how to not have him in my life. I'm just crushed. He's pleading with me to stay, but I know I can't.

[Orphalie]

Why cant you? if I may ask.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time but everyone can recover from such things if they try. Its much better to know before the marriage than after.

[XxSpacegirlxX]

things seem to work their way out ..

[cnj628]

although it doesn't seem so now, you did the right thing. i admire your strength in doing the right thing even though it hurts.

i sent you a pm

[CARLINI]

I've had that fear and so have my girlfriends. I think it's pretty common...you never think you'll find someone as wonderful as him...but then something happens. You get stronger. You get past it and you do find someone even more wonderful.

Don't let fear keep you in a bad relationship. You will find someone else. I did and he was better then the last one! My gosh you're beautiful; you'll have no problems.

[buffedstuff]

sorry for you pain, I wish you well

[Maureen in Italy]

((((Laura))))

I thought that I was going to get married to the guy that I had been dating for 4 years, but when it came down to it, I broke it off. (He moved out) It was scary and depressing but I knew in my heart that if the ex-bf and I had gotten married that we also eventually would have been divorced. Sure it would have been safe to stay together in the short term but for the long term I knew I was doing the right thing.

So there I was, 36 and yet another 4-year relantionship behind me and feeling like I would never find my Mr. Right. I struggled at first and eventually I met my now dh. It will happen to you too and in the meantime you need to be strong and confident. (Easier said than done, I know)

[Purrgirl]

Thank you all so much. It really is reassuring to know that I'm not the only one that's been in this situation before. It's just so hard right now. I've been with him so long, it's hard to imagine not being with him...

[Purrgirl]

Originally Posted by Orphalie

Why cant you? if I may ask.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time but everyone can recover from such things if they try. Its much better to know before the marriage than after.

I know that it's much better to know before, then after. Believe me, I am grateful for that.

We are having some trust issues. Not an affair or cheating but a co-worker of his has been calling and texting him. I saw the text and discussed things with her. She said their just friends but I'm not certain and CAN'T be with someone if I don't trust/believe them. Of course that's the very condensed version of everything.

[lee]

i am sorry that you are in such pain. i know how that feels. i guess you have to trust that your head knows what is best for you although your heart aches. whatever the issue, if you feel there is anything that can possibly be worked on perhaps a few counseling sessions might help the situation, the realtionship. if you feel no, this is it, i need out, then i wish you to find the strength and wisdon to get thru the days and weeks ahead. allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you do, work thru the pain and believe that somewhere down the road when you least expect it something wonderful will happen for you.

take care of you. that is one thing that i am learning in therapy...to take care of myself.

hugs....be strong.
as i said i have been there so if you want, feel free to PM me.

[Purrgirl]

Thank you very much Lee.

[Pamalee63]

I'm assuming you've talked to him about the situation, not just her...because when it boils down to it, other women are sometimes going to do things and it's how HE handles it that matters the most.

But I firmly believe in trusting our gut instincts, and it sounds like yours is telling you something that you need to listen to.

[Purrgirl]

I have talked to him. He's said that they did nothing just talked on the phone and sent text messages. I don't think anything happened (not that it wouldn't have) but still I don't agree with making "new" friends when in committed relationships. Honestly he says that I haven't been paying much attention to hiom and she was and thats all he said it was...

[djalomo]

Originally Posted by Pamalee63

But I firmly believe in trusting our gut instincts, and it sounds like yours is telling you something that you need to listen to.

Me too

Purrgirl how are you doing?

I'm not married and have been in plenty of failed relationships, so do take my perspective with a grain of salt :

I dated my HS sweetheart for 6 years. We were together from the time I was about 15 until I was 21. 6 years -- and 9 years -- is a long time. And it was a large chunk of my psuedo-adulthood, which, up until the breakup, I had never spent alone.

When I finally broke up with him it was terrifying. He was a GREAT boyfriend, but I felt like I had grown some in those years and was ready to continue to grow and I don't think we wanted to the same experiences out of life. I REALLY, genuinely thought for a long time he was the person I wanted to grow with, but in retrospect, he really was just the person who had *always* been there, and it was just difficult for me to imagine life going on without him because I just couldn't visualize it. He was such a huge part of my early adulthood and so engrained in my life already it would be like picturing my mom out of my life forever.

But life did go on. And it became wonderful without him.

I don't know how old you are but you and he look fairly young in your avi, and to me, it sounds like maybe he hasn't quite matured into the adult that you have. Really, text messaging and talking to mysterious "friend girls" is something I would not have the patience for either at this point in my life

Don't get me wrong -- my SO has female friends, BUT, if it were something that my gut were telling me is suspicious then that, for me, would not be worth continuing. And I'm somebody who is inasanely open-minded about that type of stuff -- I don't care if my SO enjoys porn or strip clubs or says celebrities are hot around me. I don't care is my SO has a close platonic female friend, etc.

But the messaging, talking on the phone, etc. because I'm not "paying enough attention" to him?? Do you REALLY want to married to that? Do you want to be in a relationship for life in which one partner resorts to 9th grade tactics?

You don't have to believe anything I say but really, I KNOW you'll be better off and happier eventually. You'll meet somebody who meets all of your expectations and then some effortlessly.

[Orphalie]

Wow, I cant tell you how many times I've heard women say that exact thing only to find out later on down the line is was far less innocent. 9 times out of 10 men dont want to be taking to or hanging out with girls from the office after office hours. I would definately trust your gut here. Get out and move on. There are plenty of men who wouldn't start seeking attention from other women just because you're busy for a short time. Being married to a man like that would be a nightmare to me.

You're young and beautiful, and I'm sure meet someone more devoted to you.

[djalomo]

I know holidays can be hard. Hope yours are going well

[Purrgirl]

Originally Posted by djalomo

Me too
I dated my HS sweetheart for 6 years. We were together from the time I was about 15 until I was 21. 6 years -- and 9 years -- is a long time. And it was a large chunk of my psuedo-adulthood, which, up until the breakup, I had never spent alone.

When I finally broke up with him it was terrifying. He was a GREAT boyfriend, but I felt like I had grown some in those years and was ready to continue to grow and I don't think we wanted to the same experiences out of life. I REALLY, genuinely thought for a long time he was the person I wanted to grow with, but in retrospect, he really was just the person who had *always* been there, and it was just difficult for me to imagine life going on without him because I just couldn't visualize it. He was such a huge part of my early adulthood and so engrained in my life already it would be like picturing my mom out of my life forever.

But life did go on. And it became wonderful without him.

I don't know how old you are but you and he look fairly young in your avi, and to me, it sounds like maybe he hasn't quite matured into the adult that you have. Really, text messaging and talking to mysterious "friend girls" is something I would not have the patience for either at this point in my life

Don't get me wrong -- my SO has female friends, BUT, if it were something that my gut were telling me is suspicious then that, for me, would not be worth continuing. And I'm somebody who is inasanely open-minded about that type of stuff -- I don't care if my SO enjoys porn or strip clubs or says celebrities are hot around me. I don't care is my SO has a close platonic female friend, etc.

But the messaging, talking on the phone, etc. because I'm not "paying enough attention" to him?? Do you REALLY want to married to that? Do you want to be in a relationship for life in which one partner resorts to 9th grade tactics?

You don't have to believe anything I say but really, I KNOW you'll be better off and happier eventually. You'll meet somebody who meets all of your expectations and then some effortlessly.

I needed to read this. The way you put it about your EX being so ingrained inot your life is really where I'm at. I'm 29 and the 9 years with Al have been much of my life. I CAN't imagine it without him. Another difficult part is that I don't want to NOT be with him.

I'm still leaving though. I don't want to be married to someone who makes excuses for their juvenile behavior.

I guess another difficult part is mostly all of my GF's are either married or engaged. I fear that I will have a tough time finding someone new.

Thank you for your reassurance. Deep down I know you are right.

[Purrgirl]

Originally Posted by Orphalie

Wow, I cant tell you how many times I've heard women say that exact thing only to find out later on down the line is was far less innocent. 9 times out of 10 men dont want to be taking to or hanging out with girls from the office after office hours. I would definately trust your gut here. Get out and move on. There are plenty of men who wouldn't start seeking attention from other women just because you're busy for a short time. Being married to a man like that would be a nightmare to me.

You're young and beautiful, and I'm sure meet someone more devoted to you.

Thanks. I know in my heart that this wasn't innocent or going at least it was heading in the wrong direction. They had just exchanged numbers a few days prior to me finding out and I saw that she text him while she was on vacation. We fought that weekend (Friday night) so he went out for happyhour with co-workers and stayed out till bar closing. I ended up going out with my friends and I left for the whole weekend which is when they became "new found friends." During that weekend they talked and she left on Monday for a vacation, then on Tues. she sent him a text saying she was in the mountains and going to get dinner and enjoy some wine. I would never text a co-worker while on vacation and keep them updated of my whereabouts. My bestfriend called her and she said that I'm over reacting and their only friends. He's stressing that it was nothing and no big deal but I'm staying tough and telling him not to insult my intelligence. I just don't believe them.

Edit to add: Also, she was fired the day she returned from her vacation. The bosses wife was doing her job while she was gone and realized that she wasn't that valuable. I karma!

Yes, being married to someone that you can't trust would be a nightmare to me too.

[Purrgirl]

Originally Posted by djalomo

I know holidays can be hard. Hope yours are going well

You are so kind. Thank you.

I still haven't left and I'm considering waiting till after the holidays are over. I've been looking at apartments and it is just depressing. I hate leaving his beautiful home to go to apartment living. Also, I don't want to be alone during the holidays. Maybe that is pathetic, but I'm just being truthful.

If I tell him that I'm certain that I'm leaving he won't leave me alone. That is why I had to tell him I'm just 'thinking' about things now. I'm still not wearing my ring though, so I'm not pretending like we're still engaged. This is allowing me to get through the holidays without being completely alone, and allowing me to save money too. I'm planning on being gone the first week of January, but I'm not sure if I can wait that long.

[miestake]

So very sorry to hear that you are hurting. I honestly believe that one should go with instinct. SOMETHING is telling you it isn't right. Maybe you'll stay with him, maybe you won't. I believe that if there IS ANY DOUBT, do not get married. Doubt just doesn't go away.

Married 14 years and divorced. Been with my SO now almost 10 years. NO ONE GETS MARRIED TO GET DIVORCED. So why start a marriage with doubt and mistrust? You may always wonder...what happened...what could have happened? Did he? If you have to wonder every time they walk out the door, then something isn't right. Hoping you haven't gotten to that stage yet. Prayers for you and hugs too.

P.S. It is very painful initially after a breakup. But, time really does heal wounds. I know. Been there. My husband was my best friend, we still are great friends, he just couldn't keep his dick in his own pants. I couldn't live with that.

[gettingstrength]

I'm sorry

[Purrgirl]

Originally Posted by miestake

So why start a marriage with doubt and mistrust? You may always wonder...what happened...what could have happened? Did he? If you have to wonder every time they walk out the door, then something isn't right. Hoping you haven't gotten to that stage yet. Prayers for you and hugs too.

Yes. Even the little bit thats happened has caused me to lose all trust. I can't be with someone like that. I NEED to trust people. I don't like having an urge to check their cell phone or things like that. Thanks.

[LadyBeloved]

Originally Posted by Purrgirl

... Honestly he says that I haven't been paying much attention to hiom and she was and thats all he said it was...

Sometimes men are very good at distorting the facts. Now it's your fault that he's responding to this gal's text messages? Because you haven't been paying attention to him but, conveniently, she WAS there.

If he was feeling neglected, he should have turned to YOU and talked to you about it, not Miss I'mHereForYouTextMe.

I commend you on being proactive, being strong and looking after YOU. When you really listen to your gut and follow your instincts, very rarely do you go wrong.

[MagnetsMom]

and LEAP

There will be someone to love you.

I've now known my ex for most of my life, we met when I was 17, got married when I was 23, divorced at 28 and have had an oddly entertwined life for the past 7 years or so. His recent re-marriage is so painful for me it surpasses the pain of divorce.

GO. Don't live your life with regrets or you'll be living someone else's life.

I wish someone had said the same to me. Trust your gut, you deserve a wealth of honesty, love and friendship. And it doesn't appear that you feel it where you are right now.

Yep, it's gonna hurt like hell, but crunches hurt too right? And why do we do it? To improve ourselves, cuz we know at the end it will be for the best.

There's this concept of naseeb (aka destiny)...there is nothing on this earth or in heavan that will keep you two apart if you are meant for one another, if you are good for each other in this life or the next. Should it be some years later and you can regain trust and he reenters your life, so be it. If not, it could be that you are well on your way to the relationship you have always hoped for.

Take care..

[Purrgirl]

Originally Posted by LadyBeloved

Sometimes men are very good at distorting the facts. Now it's your fault that he's responding to this gal's text messages? Because you haven't been paying attention to him but, conveniently, she WAS there.

If he was feeling neglected, he should have turned to YOU and talked to you about it, not Miss I'mHereForYouTextMe.

I commend you on being proactive, being strong and looking after YOU. When you really listen to your gut and follow your instincts, very rarely do you go wrong.

I agree that it is BS that he was trying to put the blame on me. No way will I accept that. In fact him saying that only makes me stronger because I see his lack of responsibility to our relationship.

Thank you.

[Purrgirl]

Originally Posted by MagnetsMom

and LEAP

There will be someone to love you.

I've now known my ex for most of my life, we met when I was 17, got married when I was 23, divorced at 28 and have had an oddly entertwined life for the past 7 years or so. His recent re-marriage is so painful for me it surpasses the pain of divorce.

GO. Don't live your life with regrets or you'll be living someone else's life.

I wish someone had said the same to me. Trust your gut, you deserve a wealth of honesty, love and friendship. And it doesn't appear that you feel it where you are right now.

Yep, it's gonna hurt like hell, but crunches hurt too right? And why do we do it? To improve ourselves, cuz we know at the end it will be for the best.

There's this concept of naseeb (aka destiny)...there is nothing on this earth or in heavan that will keep you two apart if you are meant for one another, if you are good for each other in this life or the next. Should it be some years later and you can regain trust and he reenters your life, so be it. If not, it could be that you are well on your way to the relationship you have always hoped for.

Take care..

I'm sorry for your pain too and thank you for your post.

[Pamalee63]

Originally Posted by Purrgirl

...he says that I haven't been paying much attention to him and she was...

This is exactly what my ex husband used as his excuse for a one-night stand four months after we got marri