I feel terrible for him, BUT...

[CurveControl]

DD has a boyfriend. She is 15, and a sophmore. They met last year when he was a senior. started "going out" over the summer. he is 2 1/2 years older than her so he just turned 18 last month.

He is a nice guy,very respectful and is always offering to help out around the house and stuff. He had a horrendous childhood from what I can gather as he was in foster care since he was about 6. They always have at least 7 foster kids, and drop them cold on thier 18th bday to get a new kid. They live in a kind of rough area. So, when "BF" was in HS some rough boys picked on him a lot. when he was 17 he got fed up and finally fought back. He was arrested for assault. (Remember, I am getting all this from DD and BF so I can't say for sure what is true) So he was on probation. His Foster home was apparently a hellhole and he ran away- Parole Violation, He got picked up and spent 2 weeks in Juvvie earlier in the summer. He was back at Foster home less than 24 hours when he ran again. Another parole violation. He stayed with friends, and worked for "under the table" pay until he turned 18, then got a Job at a local resteraunt. His Foster Family knew where he was the whole time, but didn't turn him in. I told him he should just turn himself in before he turned 18 and deal with the punishment, but he wouldn't. He was too scared.
Well, Guess what. He was out with a friend last night, and the friend got pulled over for speeding and BF was arrested on a warrent for parole violation. (DD was not with them-it was a school night)
Of course his Foster family are done with him cause he is 18 and not a cash cow anymore.
So now DD wants ME to pay $250 for bail. Um NO! I feel for him, but If he had turned himself in at 17 he wouldn't be in as much trouble.
Anyway, I feel like I am doing the right thing, but DD hates me, and I know BF is suffering, so I feel like *****.
So- Am I horrible, or doing the right thing? I have no experience with court, jail, or juvvie or parole or any of this. I am pretty sheltered and I have been told I am naive.
What would you do?

[momacat]

This poor kid needs a break...he's had a horrible, horrible time. He doen't have any family to turn to...I'd give him (or lend him if you'd rather) the money without thinking about it.

[valg]

Honestly, I would too.

My son's girlfriend at 16 was thrown out of her home, awful situation, no place to go, (long story) etc. and we totally supported her financially and let her live with us about 6 months, while helping her get into job corp to finish her education. I know that 1 thing will make a huge difference to her future and I'm glad to do it.

[Bubbles]

Well I am not sure what the consequences would be if you did pay the bail and he didn't go to court. The $250 is only 10% of his actual bail I believe. If something happens you may be out $2500.
I can certainly understand someone having a bad life but you cannot save the whole world and I am sure you only know half the story and history of this kid. The odds of DD being with this kid a year from now is unlikely. DH and I tried to help a foster kid from our neighborhood once and heard his tales of woe and how hard the foster parents were on him. It ended up this kid brought on more of his own problems then the system ever did.

[momacat]

This kid has been in foster care since he was 6 years old...that's no kind of a life for a kid. While you can't help everyone you can once in a while reach out and try and help someone. I would give this kid the money and I would go to court with him...he needs an advocate. I would also see if I could help this kid establish himself in a more stable environment...is he in school...did he graduate high school?

[Terilynn]

Just curious - how do you know the $250 is not the bail. It is only a parole violation. I seriously doubt is it is $2500 bail. If you are paying the bond and not using a bail bondsman - if he skips you are only out the $250. I would trust him if everything you say is on the up and up.....I have had my sons girlfriend living with us for 2 years because of similar problems -- drives me crazy at times, but I believe in family first

[CurveControl]

DD said he needed $250, I just assumed it was bail, but as I said he has a history of running away. Why would I belive he wasn't going to skip on this and leave me holding the bag?
I can only go by what they tell me, and I've only known him a few months myself, but he was with the same foster family the whole time, not bumped around. They may not have been great, and they may have dumped the kids at 18, but It was stable, and DD says they were strict and lazy, but not mean, or abusive or anything.
He did graduate HS, and has worked steadily at fast food resteraunts since he was 16. I have been helping him find grants, loans etc for college. We do try to help him, paying him to cut grass, etc, and we pay for thier gas money. He knows I will help do what I can, but We strongly encouraged him to get in contact with is PO before his 18th bday last month, and he said he would, but obviously he didn't.
DH and DD just went to get him some toiletries, t shirts, undies, socks and some books, which is what he said he needs. He went before a judge today and DD is not saying a lot, but from what she has said It looks like 6 months will be the most he will do. Partly because he tried to run from the police last night, plus the multiple parole violations for running away. I hope he can plea out. That is all I know right now. I just really wish he had stepped up before the big magic 18th bday, so it would have stayed in juvenile court.

[buffedstuff]

I'm a tough love type person. I believe we reap what we sow so we better be careful. You have to decide for yourself what to do but you can ask yourself some
questions. Is this the type man you would want as the father of your grandchildren.
granted he has had a rough life that is how and why we learn. Compassion is not the same as being able to save someone from themselves. Most criminals have bad backgrounds that is why they are criminals. If reform was easy you would not have repeat offenders. Forgive me for being so bold I mean it in the best way. Your daughter is young and there are plenty of young men from hardworking, honest families out there. she could always become a social worker and try to help the down and out. She might have a heck of a ride if she decides to marry one. its your call the best to all of you

[BigRed]

who was it that said: "do unto others as you would have others do unto you?"
and isn't it a wonderful gift to be given a real opportunity to make a big difference in someone's life!!! I am so excited for you.... I wonder now what you will do??? If you were in that kid's shoes... what would you want???

[allynnegirl]

Originally Posted by CurveControl

DD said he needed $250, I just assumed it was bail, but as I said he has a history of running away. Why would I belive he wasn't going to skip on this and leave me holding the bag?

I agree.

He graduate HS, and has worked steadily at fast food resteraunts since he was 16.

Sounds like he is trying to be responsible.

I have been helping him find grants, loans etc for college. We do try to help him, paying him to cut grass, etc, and we pay for thier gas money. He knows I will help do what I can, but We strongly encouraged him to get in contact with is PO before his 18th bday last month, and he said he would, but obviously he didn't.

Here I would say you have done plenty to help this boy. He needs to learn that there are consequences to his actions and lack of action.

It looks like 6 months will be the most he will do. Partly because he tried to run from the police last night, plus the multiple parole violations for running away. I hope he can plea out. That is all I know right now. I just really wish he had stepped up before the big magic 18th bday, so it would have stayed in juvenile court.

Let him know that you will help as you can, but he must pay the consequences for his lack of action. You also need to speak with your daughter. Life is not easy and Mom is not a bank and cannot solve all the world's problems. They are still very, very young and there is still a lot of learning to do about life.

I will keep you all in my prayers.

[momacat]

Boy some of you guys are harsh. (I'm not referring to you CurveControl.) Can you imagine being an 18 year old boy (yes a boy not a man) who has never really known a loving family. This kid didn't kill anyone or comit armed robbery he ran away like the scared kid he is. One of my uncles grew up in a similar situation...It was during the Depression -his father deserted his mother (and 3 kids) and his mother who couldn't support her children had to put 2 of them in foster care. The foster family my uncle lived with appeared to be ok people but my uncle never felt like he was part of their family...when speaking of them he always refers to the fact that they would never even give him a key to the house. Now my uncle was never in any kind of trouble whatsoever - he left his foster family as soon as he was legally able to-(located his mother and went to work help support her) but all of this left him very scarred.

In my opinion the best thing for this young man would be for him to continue his education right now...CurveControl its sounds like you've done a good job counseling him in this direction...I've sent you a PM.

[AFwife]

If you pay the bail why not have him pay you back since he works?

Poor kid, life is rough, but he has it rough two times over. He not only has this on his plate but what lies ahead in his future. I say cut him a break and have him pay you back. IMO!

[CurveControl]

Originally Posted by BigRed

who was it that said: "do unto others as you would have others do unto you?"
and isn't it a wonderful gift to be given a real opportunity to make a big difference in someone's life!!! I am so excited for you.... I wonder now what you will do??? If you were in that kid's shoes... what would you want???

Red- it seems my cup runneth over with children to help- DS has become friends with a little guy who just moved in w/ his Grandparents whose house is directly behind us. Poor kid's Mom was killed 6 mo ago in a car accident and his Dad is apparently "not all there" and on drugs in California or something. NOT a fit parent. So The boy and his brother moved from KC MO. to live with thier paternal Grandparents. The boys have been moving from friends house to friends house for years, so I guess Mom wasn't real stable herself.

I wonder what I am supposed to learn from these two boys(DD's BF, and DS's Friend) coming into my life so close together? Maybe just an opportunity to help.

My children truly do seem to collect people in need.

[CurveControl]

One of his friends that he was staying with who have known him a lot longer than I have is bailing him out on Wed. They are using a bondsman and it will cost them $500.00, which seems steep for what I have been told he has done. Originaly DD told me 250.00, I think now, for part of the bail bc she didn't want me to know how high it really was. He and DD have only been dating since summer, and while I like him, I am just not trusting him yet. DD has been known to tell me what she thinks I want to hear instead of the whole truth at times, and I am afraid this might be one of those times. He sees a Judge again Monday, so I hope it will work to his benefit, and he can plea out. DH and DD went and bought him the things he said he needs and taking it to the jail today. I will go to court w/ him if he wants me to, but If I am only getting part of the story they might want me to stay away to not learn the whole truth.

[momacat]

CurveControl- any chance you can go to court with this young man...maybe that way you can determine exactly what you're dealing with. It does seem a bit strange to me that when the when friend got pulled over for speeding the police officer even evaluated the BF to determine that he had a warrent out for him for parole violation.

[CurveControl]

They lied. What a shock.

He was caught with 2 friends Breaking into the flea market buildings. No, Not breaking in , they were already in when the K9 and police cars caught them. A class 5 feloney, whatever that means. How many classes are there?
His friend claims to have the $500 needed to bail him out, but no one who is old eneough, or wahtever, to do the actual bailing out crap. So They want me to sign for him? What excactly am I signing? That I will keep track of him? Be responsible for him? NOT!!

[ToothPick]

I simply had to put in my 2c. I was a foster parent for over 15 years and am an adoptive parent. I've had some of the hardest kids in our county in my home. DO NOT BAIL HIM OUT. Your daughter needs to respect the fact that you are not his parent. We feel sorry for kids who wind up in foster care the system is very broken but as soon as you start dishing out the dough you will be expected to do it everytime this young man gets into trouble, not only by him but by your daughter...unless you are making money in the basement you really need to think about the financial commitment you will be making.

Just because he ran from his foster home does not mean he will run from the law...the fact he was not willing to turn himself in at 17 should tell you he will run from this obligation...my experience with over 70 children is when they are in this type of trouble they will do everything in their power to run...foster care does not prepare kids for the real world.

I want to take exception with the comment about kids being 'cash cows' I heard that so many times when I was a foster parent. Do you realize how much work it is to take these kids into our homes? They come from broken homes and do everything in their power to disrupt yours...if this child was in one home from 6-17 then I say the foster parents did a wonderful job...that is rare. As far as 18 is concerned...the state does not allow foster parents to keep children in their homes past maturity rather we want to or not. If this young man got into trouble before he left the home the state would consider him unfit to be around the younger children...stop being so judgemental...foster parents take in children who would otherwise be on the streets or doing other damaging things to your kids/community.

gail

[djalomo]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

I found this online:

http://www.abc.state.va.us/facts/punish.html

Punishment for Criminal Offenses
Criminal offenses are considered either felonies or misdemeanors. Offenses are classified in the following manner:

Class 1 felony Class 1 misdemeanor
Class 2 felony Class 2 misdemeanor
Class 3 felony Class 3 misdemeanor
Class 4 felony Class 4 misdemeanor
Class 5 felony
Class 6 felony
COV 18.2-10. Felonies

The authorized punishments for conviction of a felony are:

a. For Class 1 felonies, death, or imprisonment for life and a fine of up to $100,000.
b. For Class 2 felonies, imprisonment for life or a minimum of 20 years and a fine of up to $100,000.
c. For Class 3 felonies, imprisonment for five to 20 years and a fine of up to $100,000.
d. For Class 4 felonies, imprisonment for two to 10 years and a fine of up to $100,000.
e. For Class 5 felonies, the jury or court may choose imprisonment for one to 10 years or jail for up to 12 months and a fine of up to $2,500, either or both.
f. For Class 6 felonies, the jury or court may choose imprisonment for one to five years or jail for up to 12 months and a fine of up to $2,500, either or both.
COV 18.2-11. Misdemeanors

The authorized punishments for conviction of a misdemeanor are:

a. For Class 1 misdemeanors, confinement in jail for up to twelve months and a fine of up to $2,500, either or both.
b. For Class 2 misdemeanors, confinement in jail for up to six months and a fine of up to $1,000, either or both.
c. For Class 3 misdemeanors, maximum fine of $500.
d. For Class 4 misdemeanors, maximum fine of $250.

[ToothPick]

I would love to see one court in the land that actually abides by those rules...you have some people out there with more than 3 felonies and are still walking the street

[Bubbles]

Originally Posted by CurveControl

They lied. What a shock.

He was caught with 2 friends Breaking into the flea market buildings. No, Not breaking in , they were already in when the K9 and police cars caught them. A class 5 feloney, whatever that means. How many classes are there?
His friend claims to have the $500 needed to bail him out, but no one who is old eneough, or wahtever, to do the actual bailing out crap. So They want me to sign for him? What excactly am I signing? That I will keep track of him? Be responsible for him? NOT!!

I would go to the court and find out EXACTLY what is going on. DD and BF cannot be trusted to tell you the truth and god only knows whatelse their have lied about.
I hope you and DH are going to sit DD down and break this relationship off. To be arrested is one thing, to lie about WHY is completely different. Breaking and Entering? Not a little mistake or momentary lapse of judgement.
This kid could get DD in a lot of trouble.

[ToothPick]

Bubbles is right. Do you have access to the foster parents? Give them a call and get the REAL story on this kid...usually foster children run from their homes for the same reason children not in the system run...because they don't want to follow the rules. I agree with Bubbles on the 'get this kid out of your daughter's life' she deserves more. She will not see it that way (at that age we would not have either) but I can say from experience this is not going to end. Most foster children that get into this type of trouble early on remain...and pull whomever they can down with them...I'm working with a former foster child now who is 24, has done this and much worse (in the last 6 years since he left my home) has several children by different girls...and keeps coming back...how many different ways can I possible say no.

My prayers are with you. But do everything you can to get your dd out of this relationship.

Gail

[jedswife]

my advice is to avoid him at all costs and do not allow your daughter to see this boy.

this boy is trouble and he will take your daughter down with him. she is already lying for him and more than likely knew what he was up to. the next time, your daughter may not be so lucky. had your daughter been with him even sitting outside in the car - she would be sitting in jail or juvenile waiting for her court date.

i know you feel sorry for him cause he's had a hard life but you know everybody has a hard life at some point. we've all been through stuff. you need to get your dauther as far away from him as possible.

good luck!

[ToothPick]

I have never stated my child is perfect and she has and will make mistakes...breaking and entering is not a mistake...it is a felony and my daughter will not be in that situation because she has good parents...

That said, I would NEVER allow my daughter to date/hang around children that behave like this...this was the MAIN reason we stopped doing fostercare...if this the the behavior you allow for your children I can't complain, my husband's complete family (including the monies we recieve) all work for NYS Corrections...job security for them and money in our pockets...

[CurveControl]

Thanks to all of you for your replies.
Gail- I did not mean to say that all FP are looking for "cash cow" kids, but this particular family sems to be "off". I will try to reach them, though, because I really don't know what else to do.
He didn't lie to me about what happened, DD did. I am very torn right now. No one is bailing him out, and he goes to court Monday, and I will go to find out exactly what did happen.

by Jedswife-
my advice is to avoid him at all costs and do not allow your daughter to see this boy.

this boy is trouble and he will take your daughter down with him. she is already lying for him and more than likely knew what he was up to. the next time, your daughter may not be so lucky. had your daughter been with him even sitting outside in the car - she would be sitting in jail or juvenile waiting for her court date.

i know you feel sorry for him cause he's had a hard life but you know everybody has a hard life at some point. we've all been through stuff. you need to get your dauther as far away from him as possible.
good luck

Jedswife- To be honest this was/is my first thought. I just don't think I can at this point. I feel like I need to give him a chance.
The only thing I do know is that he was/is terrified. Like Toothpick said Foster care did not prepare him for the real world. He turned 18, no home, no money other than what he was making at fast food. I am sure at the time B&E seemed like a way to get some quick cash, and I am glad he was caught his first time doing it.(I hope) Because maybe now it will show him how tough the world can be.

Right now DH and I are going to wait to see what happens. If he gets sent to jail for a year I am sure that will take care of any relationship they have-No way is a 15 yo going to "wait" for that long while life outside goes on.
If he is released on probation We will make firm plans then, but as far as we have gotten is that we, along with his PO,will help him to find a place to live,(NOT with us) and work. We will not pay anything for him, but IF he wants to associate with anyone in my family he will:

1;Follow all Probation rules including employment and no assiciation w/ current Bad friends
2; no lies from either of them
3; Join church with us and go to pastoral counseling.

If any of these are broken, it will mean an Order of protection against him to keep them apart.

I don't know if any of that will happen, but it will give him a chance, Some hope, and show him that there are people who will help.
I know that at 15 and 18, even if all goes well, this relationship is not likely to last, but if DH and I make a commitment to help this kid, we will continue, as long as he stays clean and follows the Law and our rules, even if they break up.
I won't do this stuff for "My daughter's boyfriend" but I will do it for "Matt".

I might get "played" and come back on here crying about it, but I don't think I can live with just dumping this boy. That would almost assure his future will be bleak.
Like I said, It will depend on what happens at court, what I learn there and what sentence he gets.

Please pray for Matt, and for us.
I hope this is the right thing.

[CurveControl]

Originally Posted by ToothPick

I have never stated my child is perfect and she has and will make mistakes...breaking and entering is not a mistake...it is a felony and my daughter will not be in that situation because she has good parents...

That said, I would NEVER allow my daughter to date/hang around children that behave like this...this was the MAIN reason we stopped doing fostercare...if this the the behavior you allow for your children I can't complain, my husband's complete family (including the monies we recieve) all work for NYS Corrections...job security for them and money in our pockets...

DD has actually had better grades, and been more respectful since she has been with him. I think seeing what he has had and not had, has made her appreciate what she does have more. She has a curfew that is unbendable, and has a job, b/c I belive teenagers need to be busy. The 2 kids he was with are kids that they do not usually hang around with. And, Of course will not be around again ever!