Defiant Teenager

[Slim34]

I am not sure how I should handle this situation. I have a 14 year old step daughter that doesnt listen to a word I say. I asked her to go to her room after she made a smart remark towards me. She then says No i dont have to.. I pushed her she pushed me. She ended on top of me (she is 5'9" and I am only 5'2") I had to pull her hair to get her off me. well the pulling hair pushing began. All this was going on, while my husband was outside grilling steaks. Now she cried to him, how I treat her so bad.. and so now its all my fault. I cant controll her and want her out of my house. My husband works second shift, so it makes it more difficult. I dont know what to do. i am at my wits end. she wants to go liive with her bad news mom, i say let her go.. My husband says if she goes he goes. So now, I know where he stands.. Need help.

[jem51]

sounds like he needs a reality check. have some secret video cameras installed. or at least something audio. if he's that willing to go, maybe your relationship is not so strong. he needs proof though.

[lisamoran]

I think all fo you should sit down together and talk about this. Your step daughter's behavior is unacceptable and violent and something needs to be done.

Also, I would be so hurt if my husband did not step in and do if I was attacked by his daughter. I am so sorry you are going through this.

[Cindy P]

Slim 14 is a hard age.... I know it is not right, ever, her putting her hands on you ever, that should be addressed with her. My mother gave me great advice on raising my 2 daughters. who are 12 and 10........ she said take a deep breath before thinking..........AND CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTS CAREFULLY....... I also picked up on words that you wrote,"I cant controll her and want her out of my house". It is obvious she is using this to make controversy in your marriage, you really need to let your husband handle her, step back and take a look at the triggers of her anger... she could be very jealous of you and her dad together. Words of wisdom from my mom that raised 6 of her own children and 15 foster kids........... Choose your fights carefully. Good luck I have a mouthy 12 year old, I feel for you slim.

[PoisonIvy]

Just wanted to hug you. After years on the internet, I find its best for me to stay out of children posts, and hubby posts like this.
BIG HUGS 4 U

[momacat]

Slim 14 - I recall that in the past you posted about a situation where you and your husband became violent with each other....its not surprising that this teenager would respond the way that she did... it sounds like she is merely mimicing you and your husband's behavior. Maybe the best thing would be for the all of you to go into family counseling.

[CurveControl]

Best thing is a united front, and you can't give her that alone. I also vote for a Nanny cam to show him how she acts, and very much reccomens couples counseling. I know from experience that if a teen dosn't want counseling you cant force them, but you and DH can learn to deal with this together through counseling. Best of luck! M

[srm]

Originally Posted by Slim34

I am not sure how I should handle this situation. I have a 14 year old step daughter that doesnt listen to a word I say. I asked her to go to her room after she made a smart remark towards me. She then says No i dont have to.. I pushed her she pushed me. She ended on top of me (she is 5'9" and I am only 5'2") I had to pull her hair to get her off me. well the pulling hair pushing began. All this was going on, while my husband was outside grilling steaks. Now she cried to him, how I treat her so bad.. and so now its all my fault. I cant controll her and want her out of my house. My husband works second shift, so it makes it more difficult. I dont know what to do. i am at my wits end. she wants to go liive with her bad news mom, i say let her go.. My husband says if she goes he goes. So now, I know where he stands.. Need help.

I would not have:

1. sent her to her room for the snide remark. I would'a called husband in and and the three of you discussed the remark...in the conversation you could'a put forth a united front re: appropriate conversation.

2. I wouldn't have pushed her. She does not seem to have any respect for you so a pushing match (with you being smaller) isn't gonna turn out well.

3. "No, I don't have to" isn't acceptable. Since you can't physically force her I'd have got dad in there to enforce your demand...with the clear understanding that regardless of where he is, if you tell her to do something...she will do it.

[Bubbles]

I have read your posts about the family getting physical as well. Why are you allowing this in your home? First you and DH and now the teenager? don't you have a baby in the house?
You need family counciling NOW. No adult should ever lay hands on a child whether they hit first of not. As far as the teenager you are in a war of wills let DH handle her and ignore her BS.
You could get arrested.

[srm]

Originally Posted by Bubbles

I have read your posts about the family getting physical as well. Why are you allowing this in your home? First you and DH and now the teenager? don't you have a baby in the house?
You need family counciling NOW. No adult should ever lay hands on a child whether they hit first of not. As far as the teenager you are in a war of wills let DH handle her and ignore her BS.
You could get arrested.

Counseling now...absolutely.

I do disagree with, "No adult should ever lay hands on a child whether they hit first of not."

I think there are times when it is necessary.

[Jennyl]

I don't have any great advice for you. I have two teenage daughters and it can be rough sometimes. counselling can't hurt...even if you just go by yourself

[Besos]

For what its worth, I think as soon as she doesnt do as you tell her you should go get her dad involved. Dont push her, that will do no good at all. You need to pick your battles with her and let her dad take care of the rest. I am a parent of 5 kids, 3 of them are teenagers I know they can be very difficult at times but I have never laid my hands on them in anger, it just would make things worst.

I hope your family works things out, maybe counselling, forsure a family meeting is needed to lay it all out in the open.

Good luck to you

[manalu]

To me it sounds as if it is a struggle for control with all 3 of you.

Counseling sounds like a very wise thing, before things get worse.

[catr31]

The first thing that popped out at me was "I want her out of my house". This is your husbands daughter! What will you do if your own child were to start acting this way? I also am dealing with a difiant teenager, my own 15 year old son. They are just starting to figure themselves out and it's our job as the parent to help guide them. You cannot take the easy way out and just send her to her mother's. Raising kids is not an easy task, they will push you to your limit and then some. I don't know how you could ever expect your husband to just get rid of her. Very selfish if you ask me. I'm not saying that your husband shouldn't step in and try to resolve some of the issues but you need to step back and take a look at yourself. Maybe your step daughter is just feeding off the way you treat her. If she feels that she is not wanted, she is going to react to that feeling with anger and resentment. You are the adult and need to start controlling your feelings before you can expect her to do the same. Beleive me I know how hard it is and my son was always saying that he was going to go live with his Dad until I finally has his Dad call and tell him that there was no way that was going to happen. And if it ever did, to expect the same rules, maybe even stricter rules to live by. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world, and by marrying your husband, you took on that responsiblity with your step daughter. Just remember that eventually they do grow up, and hopefully you can have a loving, healthy relationship with her.

[Pamalee63]

Family counseling is definitely called for with this situation.

If the adults in the family can't handle disagreements without getting physical, it's too much to expect the teenager not to do the same thing.

A lot of the girl's behavior is pretty normal for any teenager, much less one trying to deal with all the new family dynamics at the same time.

I know it is frustrating, but maybe you should let (or make!) her dad handle her because right now, she doesn't have the history with you in order to see you as an authority figure in her life.

Dad saying, if she goes, I go...makes me think there are a lot more problems than just the daughter's behavior toward you. Please seek counseling.

[Matt]

you probably shouldnt push her... dont want to start any sort of violence.

[Jenbo]

You had no right to push her.
I am surprised that you think that you should be chosen over his daughter.

[Nicole4389]

Coming from a teenager

I remember those days..I put my mom through hell! When you are 14 years old you have a lot going on school, friends, boys, everything in your world is spinning and you have no control. Most 14 year old's develop mood swings. Try to be on a more personal level with your step child honestly that is the only way they will open up I know that you have to take the "parent roll" but sometimes those "smart comments" are just a way to take their inner anger out on you. Trust on this 1. She might be out of control and disrespectful, but once you establish a trusting relationship with her instead of her thinking your the mean step mom. Ask her if she wnats to go shopping or out to lunch. Talk to her about things! Get inside her head, and maybe you will understand what shes going through.

[JanMarie3]

My 13yo dd did not get along with my new husband and when she said she wanted to go live with her Dad, I let her, even though it broke my heart.

This was after a lot of family counseling.

It was the best thing for everyone and today...............5 years later we could not be closer.

Just my .02

Good luck to you

[zay]

You probably won't like what I have to say. I think you should peacefully separate from your husband and let him finish raising her. You could still have a relationship on the side if he still wants it. The daughter (children) come first! I think its terrible that you as an adult have pushed her and were involved in this violent behavior. She is a child and she is not your daughter and you have been a horrible example to her.

[walkingwoman]

Originally Posted by srm

I would not have:

1. sent her to her room for the snide remark. I would'a called husband in and and the three of you discussed the remark...in the conversation you could'a put forth a united front re: appropriate conversation.

2. I wouldn't have pushed her. She does not seem to have any respect for you so a pushing match (with you being smaller) isn't gonna turn out well.

3. "No, I don't have to" isn't acceptable. Since you can't physically force her I'd have got dad in there to enforce your demand...with the clear understanding that regardless of where he is, if you tell her to do something...she will do it.

As for the bad news Mom you think she should go live with, I bet she has a few bad feelings towards you for pushing her daughter

[Euphrates]

Originally Posted by walkingwoman

As for the bad news Mom you think she should go live with, I bet she has a few bad feelings towards you for pushing her daughter

I agree - I know *I* certainly would. You're the grown up - you need to act like one. Getting into a battle of wills with a child, teenager or not, is pointless.

Here's the thing - her FATHER is responsible for discipline, not you. You should sit down with DH and decide what the rules are, and what the consequences are, then sit down with your step-daughter TOGETHER and let her know that you will be a united front, here are the rules and here is how we will deal with breaking them. Then you both need to be consistent and back each other up. Remember - in most cases step-parents don't really have any "rights" - it's DH's responsibility to discipline, not yours. No, you don't want to be run over in your own house, but it's the nature of the beast, unfortunately.

There are a lot of good books about step-parenting out there - you might want to pick up a few. And go to counseling - if you got physical first (by pushing her), you have bigger issues going on. Family counseling would be good, but definitely go yourself, too.

Eu

[cheryllynn]

I agree with most of the previous posts. Sounds like there could be probs between u and your husband.
Well first of all you need to have a to with your husband and discuss discipline, secondly a to with the daughter.
If it were me, I would apologize to her and tell her that your want a good relationship with her, that you care about her and are sorry about what happened. YOU have to set the example. Tell her that she isn't going to talk in that way to you if she wants to continue having all the privileges she has now. And if she wants to be treated adult like and with respect, she must treat you in that way also.
Counseling is an excellent next step, in addition to prayer!!

[maybell]

Originally Posted by jem51

sounds like he needs a reality check. have some secret video cameras installed. or at least something audio. if he's that willing to go, maybe your relationship is not so strong. he needs proof though.

I disagree that if he's willing to go that means the relationship isn't stong.

What it means to me is that his daughter is his first priority and that is how it should be. She did not ask for this situation and for him to abandon her would be a bad move IMO.
It doesn't make her behavior okay but I would never respect a father who chose his new wife over his daughter.

[LoriWants2Lose]

Slim34, let me say first that everything I am about to say is said out of love and that I am concerned for you and your family or I wouldn't waste my time posting.

I have two daughters as well (12 and 9). They can get very mouthy at times. I understand stress. I even homeschool them, so I'm with them 24/7! Imagine your 14-year-old being there 24/7 LOL But, I would never, ever push one of them and they are my biological children. As adults, we must have control of our temper not allow our tempers to control us. If you are not able to do so, then you need to get some counseling. Quite frankly, at 5'2", if you don't learn how to control this, you could get hurt starting fights not to mention the psychological damage you are doing to this child, your marriage and yourself. And if you have a baby, they take it all in.

Here is another perspective on the situation, which I'm sure to you seems unbearable. Sometimes it helps me to look ahead at things. When I'm 80, will this even matter? In 10 years, where is this going to be on the scale of my life? The girl is 14 (I'm sure you'll remember what a tough age that is to be). In 4 short years, which is nothing, she is off to college, trade school, military, whatever. But in 10 years, when she is getting ready to walk down the aisle do you want to be a welcomed guest at her wedding? Do you want to have a seat on the front row next to your husband as she exchanges her vows? Or do you want to be the step-mother she loathes with everything in her? Maybe she didn't even invite you to the wedding. Perhaps she just glares at you as she walks down the aisle. This little girl who has become a beautiful young woman can either love you or despise you. If you show her love, even in spite of her surliness, then she will be more likely to love you. or at least tolerate you. You have to look at it as a long-term commitment. I'm assuming your husband didn't hide her from you when you were dating, so you took her on as well as him. If you love your husband, you have to love his child too.

As for your husband, he needs to discipline his own daughter that shouldn't really be your job--that's just going to create more resentment. If he's not supporting you, that's an entirely separate issue. I also believe that the children come first until they are grown. She wasn't born in a vacuum. Would you respect him if he wasn't committed to the child you had together? Why should this daughter be any different? What if your child pushes you one day? Should he ship the child off to another relative?

I urge you as others have done to get some type of family counseling. If you are on a budget, go to your local church and seek out some pastoral counseling. Many of the bigger churches now have trained psychologists on staff (they are usually trained at seminary). It shouldn't cost you anything. If the daughter and your husband won't go, go by yourself.

I had to go to counseling by myself for a while (my two daughters did go with me) until my husband would join me. There was no physical violence in our home, but he was raised in a very abusive atmosphere and there was constant turmoil in our own household as a result of his childhood, which was affecting him years later as the memories resurfaced. He was constantly yelling about something. Life didn't start that way. This developed over a period of several very stressful years until I just couldn't bear the emotional abuse any more. It wasn't healthy and I worried about what I was teaching my daughters a marriage should be. After a couple of months he agreed to join us for a session, and then another. It truly has made the world of difference in our family. Are we perfect? Of course not. We're human. But we're communicating better. I understand him better. He understands me better and our daughters are happy.

I hope my words have helped you and not hurt you. Please know that my intention is for you to keep your family intact and to find love in your heart for this difficult child.

If you want to talk or need prayer or anything, please feel free to PM me at any time. I'll be happy to give you my email.

Lori